Orgasm Jokes

Orgasm Jokes



Women might be able to fake orgasms but men can fake whole relationships.



Situations you may find yourself in and the orgasms you may encounter...

Sex in a boat -- oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd -- dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house -- door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum -- floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket -- store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute -- whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant -- bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping -- snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke -- poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion -- roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end -- sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course -- fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac -- more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine -- ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist -- pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers -- s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter -- toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword -- zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach -- shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck -- shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature -- outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can -- odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train -- 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying -- 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater -- hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention -- ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner -- score-gasms.
Sex while flying -- soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex on mushrooms - spore-gasms
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex during Jacques Cousteau documentaries - explore-gasms.
Sex during WWII war movies - Tora Tora Tora-gasms.
Sex with Hockey players - Bobby Orr-gasms
Sex for Premature Ejaculators - before-gasms
Sex with Salesmen - door-to-door-gasms
Selfish men have - I-got-mine-you-get-your-gasms"
Sex in a car - four-on-the-floor-gasms"



What do mutiny and an orgasm have in common?
A sudden surge of seamen. 



What's the definition of "premature ejaculation"?
You're squirting while she's still flirting.



Two researches at Rutgers recently announced that they may have found 
a way to produce an "orgasm pill", a drug that can actually simulate 
an orgasm. 
  Personally, I think they're faking it.



What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm!


    
  Organisers of the first "National Orgasm Week" held this year 
were very disappointed with the results obtained. It seems at least
three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it.



How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
Call her and tell her where you are.
  


Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?



Son: Mommy, Mommy, what's an orgasm?
Mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.



First Woman:  "This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, 
               I have an orgasm."
Second Woman: "You poor dear!  Are you taking anything for that?"
First Woman:  "Snuff."

 

  Wanda and Mildred, two elderly widows, were watching the
folks go by from their park bench.
  Mildred says, "You know, I've been reading this 'Sex and
Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there -- that's 
all they talk about.  Tell me, Wanda, when your Herbert was 
alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
  Wanda thought for a long while.  Finally, she shook her 
head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."



  A ninety year old man who lived in a rest home went to visit his old
stomping grounds.  He stopped in at his favorite bar and sat at the end
and ordered a drink.  He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other 
end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady 
a drink.  As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and 
they went to her apartment, where they got it on.
  Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing 
a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.  
  After careful examination the doctor asked the old man, "Have you had
sex recently?"
  The old man replied, "Sure!"
  The doctor then asked, "Do you remember who the woman was and where 
she lives?"
  The old man said, "Sure, why?"
  The doctor replied, "Well you'd better get over there, you're about 
to cum."



BENEFITS OF BEING FEMALE
Two words:  Multiple Orgasms.



The four types of female orgasm, and how to spot them:
1) The positive orgasm;  "Oh, Yes.  Oh, Yes!"
2) The negative orgasm:  "Oh, No.  Oh, No!"
3) The religious orgasm:  "Oh, God.  Oh God!"
4) The faked orgasm:  "Oh, John.  Oh, John!"



  One evening, little Johnny was with his mother in the bath. 
He pointed at his mother's breasts and asked what it was.
She told him that they were balloons, and when someone will 
try to blow them up, they'd go in the air, straight to heaven.
  About two days later, Johnny ran into the kitchen and screams, 
"Mother, mother, come and look!  Sister is dying!!!"
  Why, asked his mother."Because her boyfriend is on top of
her, blowing her balloons, and she's screaming-Oh God, I'm coming."



  A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl.  They have a few drinks
and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time.
She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was
shaking and foaming at the mouth.  Our uninformed male thought this 
was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is 
still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.  He began to get
nervous and took her to the emergency room.
  A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her
orgasm's stuck!"


  
  Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit 
to a sex shop for a remedy.
  The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard 
spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"
  Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, 
and waits eagerly for bedtime.
  Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes 
upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy 
seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.
  The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the 
can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than 
before!"
  Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid 
this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
  "Yeah, so?"
  "You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."



  Prince Charming walks into a tavern appearing downtrodden.
Immediately, the bartender turns to him and asks why he's so glum.
While traveling through the Enchanted Forest when, suddenly I 
approached Snow White fast asleep on a bed of stone.  The dwarf 
next to her tells me that she ate a poisonous apple and could
only be revived through a kiss from my very lips.  I gave her a 
peck on the cheek.  Nothing.  So I give her a real deep kiss while
massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing.  Soon enough, I'm 
making passionate love to her right there in the woods when 
suddenly, she screams out,'Ah yes!'"
  "That's great!" the bartender excitedly replies. "Then she's alive!"
  Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming says, "Nah. She faked it."

 

  Mary and her friend were discussing their sex lives.
  Says Mary, "When my boyfriend cums he lets out such a scream 
it just scares the livin shit outta me."
  Friend replies, "Mary, you musn't complain, I should think his 
reaction would be a certain source of satisfaction for you."
  "It would be", said Mary, "if it just wouldn't wake me up!"



  During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing
various items in the Kinsey report. The class members gasped audibly
when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms
in a single session.
  A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
  A female voice followed with, "The hell with that...who was *HE*?!"



  A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off 
men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," 
she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried 
and tested plastic companion," she said.
  "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
  "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as
usual!"



  The single girl told her psychiatrist: "I sometimes have 20 or 
so consecutive orgasms during my clitoris stimulation sessions."
  "That's amazing," said the normally unflappable shrink.
  "Oh, I don't know," shrugged the woman, "after 16 or so I run 
out of fantasies and from then on it's not much fun."



  The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it 
about time that she understood the facts of life.
  "Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little
chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a 
lady's tummy and..."   
  "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted 
the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an 
orgasm."



  While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, a big city man
discovered he had no writing paper for his personal correspondence.
  So, the man went into a small town nearby and found only an 
old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice 
looking, young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
  He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
  "Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I 
just go plain wild and crazy!"



   On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class Which 
part of the body went to heaven first.
  One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes 
to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe 
in God.
  The teacher praises the little girl.
 Then a little boy raises his hand and says, "I think your heart goes 
to heaven first because God is all about love.
  "Very good," said the teacher.
  The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up.
  "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, 
which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
  Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."
  The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
  He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parent's bedroom last night
and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, "Oh god, I'm coming!'




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