Oral Sex Jokes
Oral Sex Jokes

   I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than 
anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.  
- Frank Zappa

  I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to 
act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in 
some way obstructed interstate commerce.
- J. Edgar Hoover

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Ok, so everyone knows what the 69 position is 
all about, but do you know what a 6.9 is?
Its a 69 interrupted by a period!  

What's the square root of 69?
eight something.

What's a 68?
You do me, and I'll owe you one!

67...You do me while I smoke a cigarette.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because every time she gets to 69, she has a frog in her throat.

What's a 71?
A 69 with two fingers up your ass.

What so you call oral sex between yuppies?
Sixty something.

What is 74??
69 with sales tax.

Why is 77 better than 69?
'Cause you get eight more. (ate more)

If Oral Sex is represented as a sexual position by a '69', 
Then what position is '96'?
Not speaking to one another!

Whats 69 and 69?
Dinner for four.

How fast can a woman go during sex?
68, if she were going any faster she'd blow a rod!


What is the difference between hangliding and oral sex?
You get a far better view when you are hangliding!

Hear about the guy that won the Annual Pussy Eating contest?
He won by several laps.

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax.  We just passed the tonsils."

How do we know God is a man?  Because if God were a woman, 
sperm would taste like chocolate.

What's the difference between, a penis and a Bonus?
You're girlfriend will always blow you bonus.

Define: fellatio.
A taste of things to come.

What do they call pussy eaters in London?
English muffins.

How can you tell if your date went really well?
You have stretch marks on your tongue.

What's worse than fellatio with buck teeth?
Cunnilingus with five o'clock shadow.

 What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
 A chin rest.

What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
Short, sweet, and to the point!
How do you eat a frog?
One leg over each ear.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

"Saying that she is promiscuous is an understatement. She'll go zero to
sixty-nine in under fifteen seconds."

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Define "Egghead"
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

How do you know who gives good blow jobs? 
Word of mouth.

How is a blowjob like a lobster? 
They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home.

Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

What question, if always answered in the affirmative, 
would eliminate the need for RU 486?
Are you for 69?

If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it 
look like a taco.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Why do men like blowjobs?
Its the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes peace and quiet.

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What is another name for cunnilingus?
Genital Slurpees.

What did one skeleton say before he recieved oral sex?
Bone Appetite

What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty
year-old and walking the tightrope?
In both cases you really don't want to look down.

What's the first thing you should do after a fantastic date?
Brush your teeth...with a comb!

Hear about the French guy that had several chances to get 
 his wife pregnant?
He muffed it every time.

What's worse than a wife finding lipstick on her husbands collar?
Smelling FDS on his breath. 

Why don't Puerto Ricans like blow jobs?
They're afraid it'll interfere with their unemployment benefits.

How does eating pussy differ from driving in the fog?
Eating pussy, you can see the asshole in front of you.

If you crossed my wife with a PC you would have a computer 
that would never go down.

What tastes good on pie, but bad on your mate?

Why do so many Catholic teen's wind up pregnant?
Their mothers never taught them how to give a decent blow job.

What do you call oral sex at a national park???
Old Facefull!

Why don't black men eat pussy?
They don't have to.  They don't have little dicks...... 

The quality of a blow-job is determined by the 
length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

What's Mrs. Fudd's favorite snack?
Elmer's glue.

A kid comes in and asks his dad, "Dad, can I have $20 for a blowjob?"
His dad says, "Why, are you that good?"

what do you call two bobs having sex ?
oral roberts. 

what's the difference between parsley and pussy?
nobody eats parsley.

what is the ultimate in courage?
two cannibals having oral sex.

what kind of meat does the pope eat?
nun on friday? 

how do you tell the head nurse? 
by the dirt on her knees. 

Why did the gay man get fired from the sperm bank? 
For drinking on the job. 


why did the rooster cross the basketball court?
he heard that the ref was blowing fouls.

why do women love to play pacman?
because they get eaten three times for only a quarter

do you know what you have if you have a nut on each of two walls??
 a walnut 

do you know what you have if a girl has a nut on each breast??
 a chestnut 

do you know what you if you have a nut on each cheek??
 a dick in the mouth!!!!

what's the difference between your wife and your job? 
Your wife quit sucking after 2 years but your job didn't. 

What would you say to -well- a little oral activity?" ventured 
the horny young man in the singles bar.
  "That all depends," parried the girl. "Your face or mine?"

What is so special about the Monica Lewinsky Commemorative Postage Stamp?
This stamp licks you!

How do Pinochio and his girlfriend make love?
She sits on his face and he tells lies!

  "I'm generally considered to be the female B.M.O.C. 
at Tech," said Debby, smiling.
  "Female B.M.O.C.?"
  "Best Mouth On Campus!"

Boy: Let's do it alternative doggy style!" panted the youth.
Girl: "How's that?" murmured his date.
Boy: "With my bone in your mouth!"

When you get old in the hips,
You gotta be young in the lips.

What is a different name for the penis?
Because it is passed from mouth to mouth. 

What do you call a roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A gladiator.

"I'd walk a mile for one of your smiles-- and a lot further 
for that thing you do with your tongue!"

  When the Big Bad Wolfs says "I'm going to eat you up!"
Little Red Riding Hood says "Oh my goodness!  Are you 
going to eat me whole?!!"
  The Big Bad Wolf replied, "Nah, I'll spit that part out."

How do you know when a man's sperm count is high???
You have to chew before you swallow!!!

Why are jello and women alike?
Because they both wriggle when you eat them!!

What do you mean, my crack tastes like shit?!"
"Sorry, just a slip of the tongue."

What's the difference between "like" and "love"?
Spit and swallow.

What's the difference between the old army and the new army?
In the old army, soldiers got blown out of fox-holes.

Why are Brussel Sprouts like pubic hair?
You just push them aside and carry on eating.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a husband?
A saxophone makes sound when you blow it.

Did you know that 60% of all women are battered?
And I've been eating them plain all this time!

  Two sperms are swimming along.
  One of them says to the other, "Geeze, I'm getting tired! 
Are we almost to the uterus?"
  And the other one says, "Uterus!? Shit, man, we haven't 
even left the *esophagus* yet!"

What's the speed limit of sex?
68 because at 69 you have to turn around

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

What's the difference between eating sushi and pussy?
The rice.

  Two newlyweds go to a hotel, the clerk asks, "Do you want the bridal?"  
  "No, I'll just hold him by the ears 'till he gets the hang of it."

How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?
She hikes up he skirt every time you yawn.

Why is it difficult to pronounce "fellatio"?
It's quite a mouthful

how are the mafia and eating pussy similar?
one slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!!! 

Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.
Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, 
your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

What bird is also a form of birth control?
The Swallow

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job

What's better than a rose on your piano?
Two lips on your organ

What is organic dental floss?
Pubic hair

What do you call a man with no cock?
A sucker.

 A best friend is a guy who gets two blow jobs and gives YOU one!

Why did the girl blow her boyfriend after having sex?
She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

What do women and spaghetti have in common?
They both squirm when you eat them.

Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw
her go down for the third time.

How does a women hold her liquor?
By the ears.

Whats the difference between men and jelly beans?
Jelly beans come in difference colours.

Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
It's like a French kiss, but it's "down under". 

This guy says to his wife "Oh, baby. I can play you just like a violin."
His wife says "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

What does a clam and a vagina have in common???
You don't eat them when the red tide comes in!!!

  A man came out of the bathroom naked, and proceeded 
toward his wife, whereupon his wife complained of having 
a headache.
  "Great", says the man, "I was just in the bathroom powdering 
my dick with aspirin."

  The Big Bad Wolf says to Little Red Riding Hood,
"I'm going to fuck your brains out."
  Little Red Riding Hood responds, "Oh no you're not.  
You're going to eat me just like the book says."

What is the definition of "Wicker Box?"
What Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

What's old, wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
Fred Astair's face.

How much skin does it take to cover a pussy?
(Stick out tongue)

What's the difference between spit and swallow?
Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

On seeing a girl with a pierced tongue, he thought,
"Just like Microsoft. Can't do the job right, so
throw hardware at it."

What's the definion of a 10?
A girl about waist high with no teeth and a flat head for 
you to sit your beer on

  A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of
Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized
it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
  He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and
blow out our air hole at  the same time and it should cause the ship
to turn over and sink."
  They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly
sank.  Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming 
to the safety of the shore.
  The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and
told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before 
they reach the shore"
  At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to 
follow him.
  "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen".

  A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild 
girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.
  He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
  She says, "It's me lower mouth."
  He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
  She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...
it's got lips..."
  He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
  She says, "Not yet..."

  A group of Cubans deserted their island and are on their way to Miami.
In the middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (the oldest one)
suffers a major heart attack and as a last wish  asks for a flag to say 
goodbye to his dearest Cuba.
  Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search
desperately in their boat to find something that will resemble a flag
of their country... a T-shirt, a handkerchief, etc.  Almost ready to
abandon all hope, a 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate search 
to offer a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of 
her buttocks.
  The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear,
showing the Cuban flag in a beautifully shaped tanned buttock cheek,
she approaches the dying man and sticks her ass right on his face.
  The old man then caresses the "flag," grabs the cheek with both hands
and starts kissing the flag with great passion saying "My dear Cuba,
I say goodbye to you with great sadness...my land, my flag...Havana...
I will miss you so."
  After going on for almost 15 minutes non-stop, he says to the girl,
"Now...Chica...turn around, por favor...I want to kiss Fidel goodbye!

   A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area,
when things started to gets somewhat passionate.  So they decided to 
pull over and park and have some fun.
  Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention
to what was going on outside.  All of a sudden a policeman as tapping on
their window.
  The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not
supposed to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
  Being embarrassed by being caught, said yes and apologized.
 "Well," he said, "I will have to write you a ticket,"
  So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their
  After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the 
policeman wrote the ticket for.
  He responded..."Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

  It's a girl's first time at the gynaecologist. She's up in the 
stirrups, and she's very nervous.
  The gynaecologist says, "You're scared, aren't you?"
  She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynaecologist."
  He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"
  She says, "Please."
  He goes (sticking nose in her lap), "Num, num, num, num..."

  Jane was a contestant on a popular game show on the TV.
Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained
substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to
win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before
the show's host could ask her the final big question. 
  Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following 
day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove 
them home.
  "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the 
answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all
tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
  "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. 
"It will all be OK." 
  Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the 
car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you
going?" Jane asked.
  "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon,"
he replied. 
  Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an
agonising 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very
wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's
question and answer!"
  "What is it?" she cried excitedly. 
  "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of
the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart,
and the penis.' " 
  Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, 
now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep 
and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane
was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show
question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied
groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again
in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.
Once again, Jane replied correctly. 
  So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz 
show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could 
feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness 
running through her veins. The cameras began running and the 
host, after reminding the audience of the previous days 
events, faced Jane and asked the big question. 
  "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male 
anatomy? You have 10 seconds." 
  "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
  "Very good. Six seconds."
  "Eh, uh, the heart?"
  "Very good! Four seconds."
  "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me 
last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this 
  "That's close enough," said the game show host,

  An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says 
to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"
  Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a 
eating it."
  Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
  Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such 
a fat-a fuck?"
  Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a 
eating it, it's-a so good."
  Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."
  Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay 
so slim-a and-a trim-a."
  Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots 
of-a pussy."
  Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!"
  Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

  A man named Jed has a job which subjects him to random drug and 
alcohol checks. One day, his number is drawn, and after his test, 
the technician notifies him that he tested positive for drugs. 
Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently, so he was
sent for an interview with the company doctor.
  During his interview, the doctor asks him to account for his 
activity the previous night. Jed admitted to the doctor that he 
stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his teammates. 
He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other 
ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar. 
He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her 
and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride 
  The doctor asked, "Then what happened ?"
  Jed told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman 
became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then 
asked him to perform oral sex on her.
  "Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor.
  "Sure I did," answered Jed. "Why, what's the matter ?"
  "Well, said the doctor, "That's why you tested positive. That 
was a barbitchyouate."

  The boy takes his girlfriend back home after being out together.  
They reach the front door.  He leans with one hand on the wall and 
says, "Sweetie, how about a blowjob?"
  "What??  You're crazy!"
  "Don't worry, hon, no one'll see!"
  "Yeah they will!  We're on the front door step for crying out
loud!  Someone will see!"
  "Not at this time of night, babe, c'mon, no one'll show up!"
  "No, no, no!  I don't want someone to see!"
  "Baby, you'll love it, too, c'mon, I know you will."
  "No, no!"
  "Cmon, love, don't be like that, c'mon."
  At that moment, the door opens and the girl's younger sister
shows up at the door in her nightgown.  Her hair's totally in 
disorder.  She's rubbing her eyes.  
  She yawns and says, "Dad told me to tell you to blow him, or
I've got to blow him, or he's come down and blow him himself,
but, for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to get his hand off
of the damn intercom button!"

  A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear,
sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.
  "You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The
gynaecologist's office is one level higher."
  To that the lady replies, "No mistake...you installed my husband's
dentures last week, and now you'll be the one getting them out."


  A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she 
looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she 
comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance.
  Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
  Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
  Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you." 
  Frog: "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell." 
  Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?" 
  Frog: "I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a 
blow job."

  Three blonde sisters decided to get married on the same day to save 
their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to 
reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their 
honeymoon at home.
  Later that night their mother couldn't sleep. She went to the 
kitchen for a cup of tea and had to pass all her daughters' rooms. 
From the oldest daughter's room she could hear screaming. "That's 
normal," she thought.
  From the middle daughter's room she heard laughing.
"That's normal, too," she thought.
  Finally she passed the youngest daughter's room, and to her 
surprise, heard nothing.
  The next morning after the husbands all were gone, the mother 
asked the oldest daughter about the screaming.
  "You always said, 'if it hurt, I should scream.'"
  "You're absolutely right, sweetheart." 
  The mother turns to the second daughter and asks, "Now, why were 
you laughing?"
  "You always said, 'if it tickled, I could laugh.'"
  "True enough, honey," the mother smiling, remembering her
newlywed days. She turns to the third daughter,
"now it's your turn baby. Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my 
mouth full!"

  A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on 
her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, 
looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the
whole business.
  After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort 
of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"
  She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with
no money - just looking."

  Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from 
Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the baddest of 
the three.
  The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid "Hey, 
barmaid.  Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here."
  When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole 
pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five 
and shot off one of his fingers.  She was startled.
  The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch bring me a beer 
with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it."
  Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila 
down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and 
shot off two fingers.
  The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just 
witnessing the Texan.
  The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, 
bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry."
  Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, 
unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.
  The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"
  "Hell no, I want you to kiss it.  It will go off by itself."

  A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the
lecture topic and on to his favorite subject; the evil of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors.
  "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility,
cancer and castration!"
  "Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?!"
  "You bet son," replied the Teacher smugly.  "Just suppose your
girlfriend gets the munchies?"


  An English and French gynaecologists talking: "Ah Reechard, we 'ave 
the best job in ze world, no? All ze lovely women they come to us an
we solve their problems.  Only last week I saw a woman and relieved 
her problem - she 'ad a clitoris like a melon."
  "Pierre, don't exaggerate, no woman has a clitoris like that!"
  "Ah you English, think always of the size, never of the taste."

  A salesman is visiting Hollywood California and checks into a 
local motel. As he was checking out the next morning, the desk 
clerk noticed that he looked a bit frazzled.
  He asked "Sir was everything O.K. with your room?"
  He angrily replies "Was everything O.K.!!! l get woke up at 2:00 
in the morning with this huge cowboy sitting on my chest holding a 
pistol to my head who tells me if l don't suck his dick he's gonna 
blow my fucking head off!"
  The desk clerk is shocked and asks, "What did you do?"
  The saleman's reply, "Did you hear any shootin'?"

  There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and
spitting.  He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say,
"Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch
can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit.
  A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here?  
You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
  "Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car,
so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure,
why not?"
  He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains.  After we have lunch,
we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!!  He's pumping
the pedal, and nothing!!  So now we're picking up speed and the road is
all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster and it's hard to 
stay on the road.  I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and 
I'm pleading with him to do something!!
  We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, 
a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, 
and an overturned motorhome right in front of us.  Well, I figure 
this is it!  I just knew we were gonna die!  So I turn to him and 
said...  "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the 
best damn blow job you've ever had!"

  A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after 
a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three
possible operations.
  The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not 
pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends
the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not
as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result,
and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time
she gets the big one.
  After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital
activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
  Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular
examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're 
finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all 
about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must 
have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
  "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations
failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so 
I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

  At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides
of the earth:  one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers,
the other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman.  They are 
both thinking the exact same thing to themselves...
 What are they thinking?
 "Don't look down!"

  A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks to have a tattoo of 
a turkey put on her right inner thigh. The man thinks it's strange 
but it's her body and she paid for it so what the hell.
  A week later the same woman comes in again and this time she asks
for a tattoo of a christmas tree put on her left inner thigh. The
man again thinks it strange and can't resist asking this time.
  "Excuse me miss but I don't get it first the turkey and now the 
christmas tree. What's the meaning of having the two."
  "Well you see I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is 
never anything good to eat between Thanksgivimg and Christmas."

  A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter 
and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just 
get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the
front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and 
explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the 
driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his 
drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
  The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have 
fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
  So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and 
was barely in time to catch his flight.
  One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to 
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he
won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the 
front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well
who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, 
but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was 
down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how
he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on
a plan. 
  The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for 
a ride to the airport," he asked?
  "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
  "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?"
 "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."
  The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line 
and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got
to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
"How much for a ride to the airport?"
  The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." 
  The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they 
drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave 
a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. 

  Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his 
teacher picked him to answer a question.
  Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot
one with your gun how many would be left.  None replied Johnny, 
cause the rest would fly away. Well the answer is four said the 
teacher, but I like the way you are thinking.
  Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now.  If there were 
three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her 
cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the
cone, which one is married. 
  Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?
  No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger,
but I like the way you are thinking.

  A woman went to the doctors office and said, "Doctor, I've got a bit
of a problem but I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
  The doctor told her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She did and
the doctor went around to see her when she was ready. 
  "Well, what is it?" he asked.
  "It's a bit embarrassing," she replied, "These two green circles have
appeared on the inside of my thighs."
  The doctor examined her and finally admited he had no idea what the 
cause was.
  Then he suddenly asked, "Have you been having an affair with a 
gypsy lately?"
  The woman blushed and said, "Well, actually I have."
  "There's the problem," the doctor said, "Tell him his earrings 
aren't made of real gold."

  Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into 
a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting 
friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
  "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except
me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be 
punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
  The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
  "I'm a cop", says the first man.
  "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. 
  He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
  "I'm a firemen", said the second man.
  "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
  Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
  And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

  Preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small 
puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork 
done to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the puppy down the 
front of his pants and snuck it on the airplane. 
  A little bit into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking 
and quivering.
  "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess.
  "Yes, I'm fine," replied the man. 
  Later, the stewardess noticed the same man moaning and shaking again. 
  "Are you sure you're alright sir?" 
  "Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make.  I didn't have 
time to have get the paperwork done to bring a puppy on board, so I hid
it down the front of my pants." 
  "What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is it not housebroken?" 
  "No, that's not the problem. The problem is it's not weaned yet!"

  A Man was wandering through a mall one day when he happened upon 
a clock shop where there was a gorgeous lady working at the desk. 
He walked right up to her, whipped out his penis, and slammed it 
right down on her desk.
  The lady was alarmed and said, "Wait just a minute there! This 
is a clock shop, not a cock shop!" to which he replied, "I know,
I want you to put two hands and a face on this!"

  A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a spongebath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a 
response on the monitor when she touches her.  They go to her husband 
and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe 
a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."  
  The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close 
the curtains for privacy.  Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally
agrees and goes into his wife's room.  
  After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines... no pulse...
no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.  The husband is standing
there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."  


   Up in Alaska, there was this trapper. It was the middle of winter 
and he was out on his snowmobile one afternoon checking his traplines,
when he noticed a funny sound coming from the ski-doo.  He turned 
around and headed the twenty miles back into town, feeling lucky the
ski-doo had held up and hadn't left him stranded in the unbelievable
cold. He took it over to the local garage and had his friend Joe look
at it.
  After awhile, Joe looked at the trapper and said, "Oh yeah. 
There's your problem.  Looks like you blew a seal."
  "No, no," the trapper replied hastily, "that's just ice on my 

  Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't
let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some 
good news:  The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide 
for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions. 
  Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, 
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
  Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy!  I'm on 
the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm."
  The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes
that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to 
wear a diaphragm.
   "Well, what's the second condition?"  Cinderella asked.
  The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home at 2:00 AM.
  Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the 
princes, she wants to be out all night long.  The fairy godmother 
tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM, then her diaphragm 
will turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that at least she'll be 
with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be 
home at 2AM...
  At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...3AM, no Cinderella...4AM, 
no Cinderella...finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door 
with a huge grin on her face.
 The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, 
"Where the hell have you been?  Your diaphragm was supposed to 
turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!"
  Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and 
he took care of it for her.  The fairy godmother wonders about a 
prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to 
which she replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter 
something or other...."

  A student in medical school wants to specialize in sexual disorders
so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.  The 
chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility 
when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
  "What condition does he have?" the student asks.
  "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If 
he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass
into a coma."
  The student takes some notes on that and they continue down the hall. 
As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around 
his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. 
  "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
  "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies.  "He just has a 
better health plan."

  A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle 
laying in the street.  Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.  The 
Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you
one wish, anything you want."
  The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so 
make me piss vodka."
  The Genie grants him his wish.  When the Russian gets home he gets 
a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it.  He looks and the glass 
and it's clear.  Looks like vodka.  Then he smells the liquid.  Smells
like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever 
  The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!"
  She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass 
out of the cupboard and pisses into it.  He tells her to drink, it is 
vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.  It is the
best vodka she has ever tasted.  The two drink and party all night.
  The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife 
to get two glasses out of the cupboard.  He proceeds to piss in the 
two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the 
couple drink until the sun comes up.
  Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his
wife, "Natasha  grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The
Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks 
him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"
 Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink 
from the bottle."


  King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest.  He was worried about
leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round
Table.  So he went to Merlin for some advice.  After explaining his
predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come 
back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.
  A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the 
good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt,
except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 
  "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.
How is this supposed to protect milady, the Queen?"
  "Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin as he searched his cluttered
work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected 
his most worn out wand.  He then inserted it in the gaping aperture 
of the chastity belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down 
and cut it neatly in two.
  "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can 
leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
  After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon 
his Quest.
  Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.  Immediately he 
assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their 
trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
  Sure enough!  Each and every one of them was either amputated or 
damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. 
  "Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! 
Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.  What is it in my 
power to grant you?  Name it and it is yours!"
  "Mmmphmp," said Sir Galahad.


  The ambassador of a small African nation visited Russia and was 
entertained by the Russian ambassador.  For three days, the African
ambassador was wined, dined and generally treated to the best 
hospitality that Russia had to offer.
  On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your
stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional 
game, Russian roulette.  One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded.
You spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
  This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior 
people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.  
  Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
  Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of 
relief. The African ambassador was very impressed by the courageous 
game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian ambassador
was due to visit his country the next year.  
  When the visit came the African ambassador treated the Russian 
lavishly until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private 
room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time 
for you to sample our game, African roulette".  
  In the room were were six beautiful, naked women.  
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful women 
in our country.  Any one of them will give you a blow job - take your 
  The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't 
see the connection with Russian Roulette. 
  He asked "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's 
the danger?"
  With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered,
"One of them's a cannibal!"

  A man is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.
After trying all the usual cures, he's referred to a headache specialist
by his family doctor.
  The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these
blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..."
  He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind 
the left ear".
  "Yes!  Exactly!  How did you know?" 
  "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I 
myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years.  It's 
caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.  This is how I cured it: 
Every day I perform oral sex on my wife.  When she climaxed, she would 
squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would 
relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and 
come back and let me know how it goes."
  Two weeks go by and the man is back.  "Well, how do you feel?" the 
doctor asked.
  "Doc, I'm a new man!  I feel great!  I haven't had a headache since 
I started this treatment!  I can't thank you enough...  And, by the 
way, you have a lovely home."

  A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of
her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way 
to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as
the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the 
car a place to stay for the night. Then, as soon as the man was asleep,
he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold
a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!" Of course, usually the guy 
would pay and she'd let him go.
  Well one day a Newfoundlander broke down, and had to stay the night.
Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there 
she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign, "$50 or I'll bite."
  The Newfoundlander just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"

  Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 
4 basic food groups.  Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs 
fall into".
  His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall 
into any food group".  
  Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats 
light bulbs.  The teacher tries to get Little johnny to drop the
subject, but he just would not let it go.  He said "I know that light 
bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would 
turn off the light, he would eat it!"

  A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises 
from his parents room, so he decided to investigate. As he entered the
parents bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all
they were worth.
  "Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing?"
  "It's okay," replied his father. "You're mother want's a baby, 
that's all."
  The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was
pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
  Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom 
and was shocked to discover his mother sucking furiously on his 
fathers prick.
  "Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing now?"
  "Son, there's been a change in plans," his dad replied.
  "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

  Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come
off of me fly I canny button me pants. "
  "Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs 
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
  About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit 
of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. 
Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose 
comes Angus.  The little lady looks at him and says "My god, 
what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
  "Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she 
did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite
off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in...

  After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a
cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns
into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each
other and end up going home separately. The next day at the office, 
the three gather by the watercooler to discuss the past evenings events.
The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew
  The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got 
in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't
get hurt but now I have no car."
  The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed
my girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on
fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home
insurance won't cover the damage."
  The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, "I'm not 
sure you understand. Chunks is my dog."

  A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get
married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at
their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be 
gentle,... I am still a virgin."
  The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 
3 times before."
  The bride responds...
  "Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist 
and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
  "My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do 
was look at it."
  "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted
to do was...God I miss him!"


  A man who was an avid hunter, went every chance he got. He was always
trying to convince his wife to go hunting with him but she never wanted
to go.
  One week after a really good hunting trip he came home very excited 
and said, "please honey, next week you have to go. You'll have a great
  She said "I'll think about it during the week and if I decide not to 
go I'll either give you a blowjob or let you fuck me up the ass."
  Next week he got everything ready to go and came in to see what his 
wife had decided. She said "I don't think I want to go." 
  So he said "ok I'll take a blowjob then."
  She started to give him a blowjob but after a minute she stopped and
said, "This really tastes like shit." He said "yea one of the dogs 
didn't want to go either."

  This girl walks into a hardware store as she needs a new hinge for 
a door at home.
  As she brings it to the counter,  the clerk asks, "Wanna screw for
that hinge?"
  To which she replies, "No, but I'll suck you off for that toaster
on the top shelf."

  A man goes into the U.S. patent office for a demonstration of his
new invention.
  "What do you have to show me?" the officer asks.
  The inventor pulls a red apple from his pocket and hands it to the
patent officer. Shaking his head, the patent officer informs the man
that an apple is hardly a new invention.
  "You don't understand," the man says.  "This is a special hybrid 
that I have developed myself. Take a bite out of it and tell me what 
you think."
  The patent officer, unsure but curious, takes a bite out of the apple.
"Big deal," he says. "It tastes like an apple."
  "Turn it around and take another bite," says the inventor.
  The officer takes a bite out of other side and his expression turns 
to disbelief.
  "I don't believe it," he says. "It has the taste and texture of an
  The inventor throws the officer another apple:  "Here, try this one."
  This time the officer says that it tastes like a peach.  The inventor
eagerly asks him to turn it around and take a bite out of the other side.
The officer does so and is rewarded with the taste of banana.
  "This is a great invention.  It's too bad that you can't make one that
tastes like pussy!"
  The inventor smiles and reaches into his pocket, producing another apple.
  "Try it," he says.  The officer takes a bite and his face contorts 
horribly.  "That tastes like shit!" he yells. 
  The inventor just laughs and says, "Turn it around!"

  This nice looking young woman was standing outside a bar in an alley,
when this scruffy man approached her with a gun.
  "Take off your shirt, lady"
  "I can't.."
  "Take it off, lady!" he screams.
  Nervously, she takes her shirt off.   
  "Ok, now the bra". 
  "I don't want to...."
  "Lady, I'll shoot if you don't do it!"
  She pauses for a moment in fear, but does what he says.  
  "Now, take off your pants and hurry!", he says as he pushes the gun
closer to her. 
  "Take your panties off".
  "You don't want me to do that, " she stammers
  "Do it now!", the mugger yells.
  So she takes off her panties.  To the surprise of the gunman, not 
only is she on the rag, but she's got a huge rash, and maggots crawling
through her pubes.  He's so disgusted, he accidently drops his gun. 
  So the woman picks it up and points it at him and says, "Eat me"

  An inexperienced guy meets a very experienced girl in a bar. She asks
him to have sex, and he tells her that he's not very good, but he will
anyway. They get a motel room and start. The girl suggests a 69, so the
guy asks what it is, and she says to just put each other's heads in
between their legs. They start, and the girl suddenly lets out a
rip-roaring fart. She apologizes, and they get back at it. Once again,
she lets out a fart, and the guy starts to get dressed. 
  She asks, "Where are you going?"
  He responds, "If you think I'm going to go through 67 more of those, 
you're crazy!"

  Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, 
out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful
day, and love is in the air.
  Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me."
  Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
  What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
  "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
  She smiles and they start kissing.
  When things heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
  Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts
pouring it all over her breasts.
  "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
  "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have 
white wine!"
  They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
  Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
  Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours 
it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
  Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the 
water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, 
  Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
If I go down, I go down in flames!"

BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN  (as stated by women)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not
   standard practice to come on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. HELLOOOOOOOO!

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I
   heard deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really
   WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it
   through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I
   don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU
   can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
   girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone
   with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't
    tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,
    watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if 
    you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
    about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be
    happy that we're good at it.  See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
    the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke, drink, etc....

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow
    jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to
    either sympathise or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
    "kiss it good morning".


  The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable 
words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children
examples of words with more than one syllable.
  "Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?"
  After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday."
  "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day.  Does anyone know 
another word."
  "I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
  Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
  "Saturday." says Mike.
  "Great, that has three syllables."
  Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says "I know a four syllable
word. Pick me! Pick me!"
  Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher 
reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
  Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
  Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, 
Johnny.  Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
  "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

  A couple was about to be married. The groom was walking down the 
aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man
noticed that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
  The best man asked, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting
married, but what's up - you look so excited."
  The groom replied, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had 
in my entire life!"
  Just then the bride came walking down the aisle and she, too, had 
the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor noticed 
this and asked, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting
married, but what's up - you look so excited."
  The bride replied, "I have just given the last blow job of my 
entire life!"

  Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside 
a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push 
ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the 
other sperm just lazed around doing nothing. One day, one of the sperm 
questioned Stanley and asked why he exercised all day. 
  Stanley explained, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant,
and when the right time comes, I'm gonna be that one sperm!"
  A few days later, all the sperm could feel themselves getting hotter
and hotter. They knew the big swim was imminent. Moments later, they 
were released abruptly and, sure enough, Stanley was swimming far ahead
of all the others.
  Suddenly, Stanley stopped in his tracks, turned around, and began to
swim back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he hollered. "It's a
blow job!"

  A fraternity brother is eating out his girlfriend while she is on 
her period, when someone knocks on the door.
  He says, "I can't answer the door with all this blood on my face."
  But his girlfriend tells him, "If they ask, just tell them that you
were eating a jam sandwich."
  So he opens the door and hears, "Whoa! Dude, you have blood all over
your face!!!"
  And he mentions, "Oh,... nah, I was just eating a jam sandwich."
  And his astute visitor adds, "Hmmm, and you have a little bit of
peanut butter left on your chin too!!!"

  Jim a coworker of mine is a young wild sort of guy.  Every weekend 
he is off doing something with his friends.  Skiing in the local
mountains, taking the motorcycles to the desert, going to Laker games,
etc.  Rachel, his girlfriend of just about a year, is constantly
harping on him to do something with her on the weekends.  She is right
of course, they have only been dating for a year and he is already
acting like they have been married for two decades.
  When we have those buddy to buddy chats at work, I keep telling him 
to do something with her or at least occasionally do something special.
He listens, but as soon as a friend calls with tickets to the Dodger
game, or some other activity, off he goes.  And he wonders why his
girlfriend is always mad at him.  He is a smooth talker and tries
things like saying, "but I thought you said it was okay if I went
camping this weekend".  Of course this never works, but he tries
  Last Friday he was telling me that he was planning to do something
special.  Rachel had driven home the fact that Sunday was their one
year anniversary and he better not go out with his friends.  Of course
he was planning to go bar hoping with his friends Friday night, but he
had made big plans for Sunday.  He told me about the reservations at
Guido's, the restaurant they went to on their first date, the gift he
had bought, etc.
  I was surprised at this sudden change of character.  Then he said,
"I'm going to get a tattoo with her name on it."  I pointed out the
pitfalls of such a thing.  He thought it over and said he would come
up with something else.
  Well Monday morning came by and I asked how the weekend went. "Great,
until Sunday night" he replied.
  "What happened?" I asked.
  "Well Rachel was pretty mad about me going out Friday night.  In fact
she refused to see me Saturday.  Sunday I convinced her to let me take
her out for our anniversary."  Jim told me.
  "Friday and Saturday I spent hanging with my friends.  I got a little
drunk and decided to get that tattoo I was talking about."
  "You didn't get her named tattooed on you did you?"  I asked.
  "No.  I knew you were right, so I got the words 'I love you' tattooed
on my penis."
  "Your penis!? What ever for!?!"
  "Well I didn't want anyone to see my romantic tattoo" he sadly told
me.  "I figured only Rachel would see it there."
  I was stunned, I mean didn't that hurt?  He told me he was too drunk
to notice.  Jim went on to tell me about the romantic dinner Sunday
night, how happy Rachel was with the gift.  The lovely time they had
strolling along the beach and the romantic mood she was in when they
returned to his house.
  "Then I got undressed" he said recalling the events.  "I told her I
had one more surprise and I showed her my tattoo.  I was crushed when
she said 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'!"


  A guy goes to the tattoo parlour and offers the tattoo artist $1,000
to put a $100 bill on his penis.  The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.
  The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell
right now."
  So, the artist goes ahead and does the job.  But, all the while he is
anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill onhis penis.
  So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and
says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo
if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his penis.
  So, the man consents and offers these three reasons:
  "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my 
money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife 
wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it!


  A girl got in line to donate blood at the local blood bank. She got
to talking to the man in line in front of her and asked how often he 
donated blood.
  He corrected her, stating that he was there to donate sperm. Really,
she said, how much do they pay for sperm donations.
  $50.00 the man stated. The girl replied that she only made $10.00 
each time she donated blood.
  After the donations, each went their own way.
  The following week, the same girl and guy got in line again. The man 
turned to the girl and asked "Are you here to donate blood again?"
  Girl, with cheeks puffed out, mumbled Nooumm, Dunnnafdsf SPperkpfsdaf

  Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park.
Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum.  "Hey Johnny, wanna
play doctor?"
  Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."
  Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President." 

  Little Johnny had hurt his finger while working on his model airplane.
He ran to his mother, who kissed the wound and made it better.  On the
way to the store a little later, Johnny fell off his bike and scraped
hisknee.  He ran to his mother, who kissed it and made it better.
Returning from the store, Johnny ran into the town bully, who kicked him
in a very private part of his anatomy.  Johnny rushed home.
  His mother said, "Son, you're getting more like your father every day!"

  Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
  His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's butt and say, "How about a blow job?"...and she's always
sound asleep.

  Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was
placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: a male and
a female.
  The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would
choose the one with the best act.
  At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared,
since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a 
whip & chair.  She looked more like a model than a trainer.  The man's 
only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his 
cracked and leathery lips.
  The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies 
before Gentleman."
  So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the
music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping.
She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.
  The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside
her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the
day she was born.
  The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped
toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking.  She
threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her
thighs.  She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.
  Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...
Think you can do better than that?"
  The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, 
just get that tiger out of the cage!"

  An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key 
in his hand.  A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help 
you lad?"
  "Yes, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies.
  The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
  "It was at the end of this key."
  About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's member
is being exhibited for all to see.  He then asks, "Are you aware that 
you are exposing yourself, sir?"
  The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH G-D...they got me 
girlfriend, too!!"

  A Redneck gets married, and the blissful couple drive off to their 
honeymoon motel. The bridegroom asks for the best room in the house, 
explaining that they had just been wed.
  "Would you like the bridal, sir?" the desk clerk asks.
   No," the groom replies. "I'll just hold her by the ears until she 
gets used to it."

  "Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women
eating bananas on a park bench.
  "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
  "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the
bride we just passed."
  "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
  "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one
hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit
into small pieces."
  "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed
the whole thing into her mouth."
  "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a
  "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the

  A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking. After
some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for oral sex.
  "No," says the young woman, "you won't respect me."
  So the young man is content to wait. After they had been dating a few 
months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral sex.
  Again she replies, "No, you won't respect me."
  Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride, "Honey,
please, we're married now. You know I love you and respect you. Can we
please have oral sex?"
  "No," she says, "I just know that if I do that you won't respect me." 
So the man waits...and waits...and waits. After 20 years of marriage the
man says, "Honey, we've been together 20 wonderful years now. We've raised
three beautiful kids. You know that I love you and respect you completely.
How about oral sex, just once?? Please??" and the wife finally gives in 
to her husband's wish and performs oral sex on him.
  After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone 
rings. The husband turns to his wife and says, "Answer that you 


Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag 
And what revenge, your on the rag.

  This guy is driving around one evening hoping to get lucky, but after
his bad luck denies him the luxury of getting lucky his eyes turn to 
this young boy who is a beggar. He goes up to him in his car and tells 
the boy "hey kid come in my car, I will give you a dollar",
  The young boy in return says "hey sir, if I come in your mouth will 
you give me ten."

  A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. 
On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks,"How did you 
get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend
goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes 
off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."
  So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she 
takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest.
  The doctor asks,"How did you get that blue'Y'on your chest?" and 
the girl replies,"My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his
school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making
  The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes 
off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest.
  The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" 
and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to 
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

  Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house.
  "Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
  Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks,
"What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
  "No silly, it's salty!"


  A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
  After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, 
I wish I had a flashlight."
  The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten


  Two guys wanted to go drinking, but they only had a dollar between 
them. One of the fellows looked over at a hot dog wagon nearby, and 
had a sudden inspiration.
  He spent the dollar on a hot dog.  He threw the bun away, and stuffed
the hot dog down his underwear.
  "We're gonna walk into the bar, order beers and drink them down. When
the bartender asks for payment, I'm gonna stick this hot dog out my fly
and you're gonna drop to your knees and start sucking on it. 
The bartender will be so grossed out that he'll immediately thow us out 
of the bar," said the guy.
  They entered a bar and the gambit worked like a charm.
  After the seventh bar, they were both extremely drunk.  One of them
started complaining, "Sheesh, I'm starting to get bad bruises from 
dropping down on my knees."
  His companion slurred, "You think you got problems?  I lost the hot
dog four bars ago!"

  A young blonde comes home from school and asked her mother, "Is it 
true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place 
where boys put their thingies?"
  "Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
  The blonde then says "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my 
teeth out?"

  Little Red Riding Hood was a bout to leave for the forest when her
mother stopped her and said, "You better watch out Little Red Riding
Hood. There's a wolf in the woods, and if he catches you he'll pull 
up your little dress, pull down your little panties and fuck you
until you're blue in the face and your socks fly off your feet."
  Little Red Riding Hood said, "No he won't. I have a gun." and with 
that off she went.
  When she was in the woods the wolf came up to her and said, "Little
Red Riding Hood I'm gonna pull up your dress, pull down your little 
panties and fuck you until your blue in the face and your socks fly 
off your feet."
  She said, "Oh no your not. I have a gun. Your gonna pull up my 
dress, pull down my panties, and eat me like the story says"

  A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind
the counter and shouts, "open the safe!"
  "But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a sperm bank."
  "Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts!
  The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
  "Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says.
  "But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.
  "Just drink it or I'll shoot!"
  The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another bottle
and drink it."
  "But sir, I just drank one!"
  "Drink another one or I'll shoot you!"
  The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has
emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to
see the robber is her husband.
  "Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?"


  Pat and Mike are two crabs living on a Chicago high-rise toilet seat. 
One day Pat says to Mike, "We never go anywhere or do anything new."
  "You're right," says Mike. I've got an idea. We each take a ride on
whoever comes in to use the toilet, and we'll meet back here in a week,
and we'll have lots to talk about.
  A man came in to use the john, and Pat jumped into the bush. "See you
in a week."
  The next customer was a woman, and Mike jumped into the bush.
  A week later, Pat returned to the toilet, and walked around, looking 
for Mike, but Mike was not to be found!
  Three months later, Mike returned, and met up with Pat. "Where the 
hell have you been?" asked Pat. "We were supposed to meet back here
in a week, what gives?"
  "Well," said Mike. I jumped aboard a blond after you left, and it 
smelled so bad that I passed out!  When I woke up, I was in a bus 
driver's moustache, on my way to Oklahoma City!"

  Two men go into the doctor's office and sit beside each other...
After a while they are talking up a storm, and 1 guy says, "I'm in 
here cuz I have a red ring around my dick and I don't know what it is!"
  "Well, I'm in here because I have a green ring around my dick! What 
a coincidence" the second exclaimed. 
  So the 1st guy goes into the office, and 15 minutes later he comes 
out and says to the second man, "It's fine! Nothing to worry about!"
  Relieved, the second guy goes in, and comes back out crying.
  "What happened in there?" the first guy asks.
  "Well, there's a big difference between Lipstick and Gangrene!"

  Two elderly ladies, Sophie and Sadie were visiting each other at 
a Miami beachfront condominium.
  Sadie asks, "So, what are you doing for excitement these days?"
  Sophie replies, "Oh, I watch the soap operas and the talk shows 
on TV. There's nothing else. How about you? What do you do for 
  Sadie answers, "What can one do these days? Once in a while 
I suck on a LifeSaver."
  Sophie says, "My, my aren't you lucky you live so close to 
the beach!"

  A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective
buyer.  As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and 
  He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."
  The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never 
stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed
that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung 
once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he 
would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the
now naked man to the tree.
  The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale.
  "Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give 
him the farm!"
  As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got 
stung and if he needed a doctor.
  "No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, 
do I? I'll pay you double for the farm ... but doesn't that calf have 
a mother?"

  Little Suzy, age 9, and Little Johnny, age 10, are sitting on the 
front porch swing. Little Johnny says to Suzy..."Screw you Suzy."
  A minute goes by and Little Suzy turns to Johnny, and says...
"Screw you Johnny."
  Another minute goes by, and Johnny says to Suzy..."Screw you Suzy."
  In a minute or two Suzy says to Johnny..."Screw you Johnny."
  A few minutes pass, and Johnny says to Suzy..."Screw you Suzy."
  A minutes later Suzy says to Johnny..."Screw you Johnny."
  About that time an adult steps out on to the porch and says...
"What are you kids doing?"
  They answer in unison....."We are having oral sex!"


  The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather
about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told  
him that when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe
do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once 
a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When
you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your
  The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and 
Grandma now?" 
  His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." 
  "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. 
  Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed 
in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You

  Three Australian Cowboys were in a bar throwing back more than a 
few, while discussing the meaning of life.  The conversation grew 
deeper and deeper when one of the cowboys started talking about 
reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the 
existence of this phenomenon and - given the choice - what each would
prefer to come back as.
  The first cowboy said "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come 
back as a big Brahman bull."
  The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.
  "Well," he said "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to 
lay around eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and
my owner would be paid for my services.  That seems like a pretty good
life to me."
  His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go 
through life, but one thought he could improve on it.
  He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."
  "A range bull, why a range bull?"
  "Well," he said, "if I were a range bull it would be much the same 
as the life Steve was talkin' 'bout.  All I would have to do all day 
is lay around and eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold
me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range.  
That seems like the best life to me."
  Leroy nodded in agreement.
  Just then ol' Dean spoke up. "Naw" he said as he shook his head,
"Ya'll got it all wrong.  I'd rather come back as a whale."
  They were amazed at Dean's statement.
  "A whale? Why ON EARTH would you want to come back as a whale?"
  Dean just grinned and replied, "Can you just imagine having a seven 
foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?"

  While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release 
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
her that if she did not start behaving right now, she would be punished. 
  To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as 
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
  The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the 
tellers stopped what they were doing!  I mustered up the last of my 
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.  The last 
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. 
  A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly 
the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker 
to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.
  He held a gun to the pilot's head and  said, "Take this plane 
to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place.  The 
pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says,  "Look 
buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea 
and you'll die along with the rest of us."
  The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the 
copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm 
gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
  The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and 
said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could 
keel over at the shock of my being killed.  So if you shoot me, 
this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die 
along with the rest of us."
  The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the 
gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to 
Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
  The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and 
said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you.  Those other two 
guys have no sense of direction.  Without me they couldn't 
find their way out of a  paper bag much less get this plane 
to Iraq.  So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash 
right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
  The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held 
the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane 
to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."
  No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and 
whispered something into the hijacker's ear.  He turned beet 
red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the  cockpit in a panic.
  The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering 
behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.  The pilot 
then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the 
man so.
  "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd 
be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

  Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and 
took his wife upstairs for sex.  Just when they were really 
getting into it, their 5 year old son entered the room and 
started to cry.
  "What's wrong, son?" the father asked.  "Why are you crying?"
  "You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.
  "No, no," the father reassured.  
  "I'm not hurting her.  We are making babies."
  This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the 
couple went back to their business.
  The next day the father came home from work early and found 
his son on the steps, crying.
  "What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad.
  "It's those babies you were making with mommy yesterday," 
the boy answered.  "The mailman is upstairs eating them."

  A man walked into a bar with a croccodile under his arm and 
asked the bar man for a drink. 
  The bar man refused and said, "I cant serve you, your with 
a dangerous animal."
  The man replied, "He's not dangerous."
  The barman replied, "He's a croccodile, of course he's 
  "Look I should know", said the man in a disguntled manner.
  "Sorry sir I cant take your word for it." 
  "Watch this."
  The man started to beat the croc over the head. 
  "See" said the man, who was ferocuiosly beating the croc now. 
The stunned bar crowd and the bar man just looked on in amazement.
  "Watch this!", said the man as he unzipped his fly and put his 
dick in the crocodile's mouth.
  "See!" said the man. 
  "It's completly harmless." He stares at the on looking crowd.
  "Does any one else want a go?" He snaps at the entire bar.
A little old lady at the back raised her hand and said, "I wouldn't 
mind trying, but could you not hit me on the head so hard."

  In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high 
glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) 
raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying 
there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"
  "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to 
add statistical info.
  Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't 
it taste sweet?"
  After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, 
the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized 
exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), 
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of 
class...and never returned.
  However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's 
reply was classic...
 Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't 
taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the 
tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat." 

  Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood 
box, asks for the price.
  This frog is worth $4000, madam.
  WHAT? why is it so expensive?
  Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus.
  I see...I'll take it.
  She takes the frog home, showers, puts silk gown, perfume, 
opens box on bed. The frog doesn't perform so she calls the 
  I'll be right over, says the shopowner.
  Moments later, the shopowner sees the problem, tells the frog,
'All right now, Look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you!!"

  A Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family 
when her youngest daughter walks in.
  Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
  Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get 
married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss 
and hug and have sex.  (The daughter looks puzzled.) That 
means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's 
how you get a baby, honey.
  Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you 
and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What 
do you get when you do that?
  Jewelry dear. 

  A woman at a bar sees a guy she thinks is really good looking.
He's pretty shy, so she decides to go over to initiate a conversation
with him.
  She says to him, "Hi, what's your name?"
  "Hi, my name's Clithp." (His name is "Chris", but he's got a really
bad lithp, er, lisp).  Anyway, although his lisp was noticeably quite
bad, she decides to resume the conversation with him, because she 
really likes him and she was willing to accept his little malady. 
Pretty soon 2 o'clock rolls by, and it's last call.  She decides that 
she likes this guy so much, that she's willing to take him home and 
rock his world that same night.
  She says to him suggestively, "Sweetie, would you like to come home
with me tonight?"
  The guy, realizing what she was suggesting says, "Oh, I don't know.
You thee, I'm tho thorny, I don't think that you'll like it."
  "Really?  I'm so horny?  He's saying that like it's a bad thing," 
she thinks to herself.  
  "Comon' let's go," she then says, real horny herself, and not 
wanting to steer the conversation in the wrong direction.
  They go back to her place, and after about an hour of foreplay, she 
unbuttons his pants, pulls them down and puts his member in her mouth.
  "OUCH!!" she screams, in immense pain.
  The guy looks down and says, "Thee, I told you I was thorny!"

  Jones is walking along the Golden Gate bridge one afternoon 
and sees a man about to jump over the side.  Frantic, Jones 
runs up to the man and shouts, "Wait, don't jump!  Let's talk 
about this!  I'm sure things can't be as bad as all that!"
  The jumper turns to Jones and sobs, "What do you know about 
it?  Listen, I design buildings.  See that skyline over there?  
Three of those buildings are my design!  But when I walk down 
the street, does anyone say, 'There goes Robertson, the 
Architect'?  No, they don't! "I write books, too!  I wrote a 
mystery novel that made the New York Times best-seller list!  
But does anyone say, 'There goes Robertson, the author'?  No, 
they don't! "For ten years I've taught engineering courses at 
Berkeley, but does anyone ever say, 'There goes Robertson, 
the college professor'? No, they don't!!
  "But you suck one little cock..."

  A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his 
sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and 
found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.  He sat 
down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, 
"Mom, I have something to tell you:  I'm gay."
  His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the 
guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, 
when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and 
said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put 
other men's penises in your mouth?"
  The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."  
  His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly 
whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon 
and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

  Gramma and Grampa are sitting out on the front porch one 
day in their rockers, when Grampa says to Gramma, "Wanna 
  Well, they sit there in silence, rocking for a while, and 
then Gramma says, "Wanna fuck?"
  Again the silence and rocking continues for quite some 
time and Grampa speaks up and says, "This oral sex ain't 
all its cracked up to be...!"

  A young teenage girl announced to her mother that she was 
pregnant, and that it was her mother's fault.
  "How can you say it's my fault, I told you all about the 
birds and bees!"
  "You never told me how to give a decent blow job."

  A frustrated man hires an assassin to kill his wife and 
her lover.  "Shoot her in the head, and shoot him in the 
crotch, and I'll pay you $20,000 a shot."
  The gunman comes by the next day to collect, and insists 
on only $20,000.  
  "You mean you didn't get both of them?"
  "I got 'em both, but I only used one shot."

  The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful 
that people think you married her only for her beauty.  And 
The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that 
people think you married her only for her money. And The 
Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she 
can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

  A boy goes up to his father and says "Dad, how do you 
spell clitoris ?"
  His father answers, "Gee son, I don't know but I had 
it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago."

  On a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our 
recent hurricane "FRAN". The captain did his best to 
skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough 
ride just the same - rough enough that the flight 
attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their 
seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers 
were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat 
pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, 
the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the 
captain's voice came on over the intercom. 
  "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?'  
But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, 
and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder 
of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself 
and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much 
for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best
wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston. 
  After a short pause and several clicks...
  "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride!  Boy - I sure 
could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, 
right about now"
  As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the 
cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still 
on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget 
the coffee!"

  A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle 
of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks 
in through the keyhole.  He watches for a moment, then 
continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, 
and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb".

  a guy walks in a pet store and says< "I need a pet. What 
would you recommend?
  the store owner looks him over and says "are you you open 
minded?" the man says he is and they talk about various pets 
until the owner says, "are you sure you're open minded?" 
  The man reassures him that he is, and the pet shop owner 
starts sing the praises of this bullfrog over in the corner. 
On and on and on about what a great pet a bullfrog is. 
Finally he says "buy this bullfrog, if you don't like him 
I'll trade you even for anything in the store." 
  The guy says ok, and the deal is done. just before the 
guy with the bullfrog walks out, the owner says, "if you're
really open minded, there is one other advantyage to the 
bullfrog. That frog gives great blow jobs" the man just 
looks at him and walks out the door. A couple of days 
later the bullfrog owner's wife wakes up when she hears 
a noise in the kitchen. She gets up to see what's going 
on. There the guy is sitting at the kitchen table, with 
the frog and a cook book. 
  She says "what the hell is going on?"
  "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, you're outa here."   

  I met my friend Louie the other day and said to him, "Hi, Louie!"
  He says, "Man, don't you never call me Louie again.  
From now on you call me Lucky Louie."
  I says, "Ok, Lucky Louie it is, but why?"
  He says, "Man, I was walking down the street the other day, and 
a piano they was hoisting up to the third story window come loose 
from its rope and smashed down right behind me.  If I'd been three
feet back, I'd a been mashed to hamburger.  So you call me Lucky 
  So I met him again the other day and says to him, "Hi ya Lucky Louie!"
  He says to me, "Man, don't you never call me Lucky Louie again!  
From now on, you call me Lucky Lucky Louie."
  I says to him, "Ok, Lucky Lucky Louie it is, but why?"
  He says, "Man, I was walking across the street the other day, and 
this jerk in his car, he comes around through the red light, and he 
doesn't see me, and runs right through the street in front of me.  
If I'd a been three feet earlier, I'd a been mashed to hamburger.  
So from now on you call me Lucky Lucky Louie."
  Again I met the guy and says to him, "Hi ya, Lucky Lucky Louie!"
  And, as you can guess, he again says to me, "Man, don't you never
call me Lucky Lucky Louie again.  From now own you call me Lucky 
Lucky Lucky Louie."
  And so like an idiot, I ask him, "Ok, why should I call you now 
Lucky Lucky Lucky Louie?"
  And he says to me, "Man, the other night me and the lady, we were
getting it on there on her sofa there in the living room, and all 
of a sudden, her chandelier gets loose from the ceiling and falls 
down and hits me right in the butt!  I had to go to the hospital 
and get me three stitches!"
  "Now wait a minute, you want me to call you Lucky Lucky Lucky 
Louie because you got three stitches on your butt?"
  "Yeah, man, cause if that chandelier had fallen just five minutes
earlier, it would have busted my head!"

  When my grandparents came over from Italy the first place 
they came to was New York.  They happened to stop at a mall 
and unfortunatly my grandma and grandpa got sepparated.
  Grandma being the fisty little Italian that she is she 
went to store after store asking if anyone saw her Mario 
saying "hava youa seen my Mario, balda head, potta belly 
and de baggie pants"
  Time and time again no one saw her Mario.  Until one 
salesperson came up and said that he thinks that a man 
that matches that discription just ran out the back door 
"lickity split".
  Grandma responded that "no, no thata nota my Mario, he 
may grabba de ass, pincha de tit, but he no lickity split"

  A city slicker is driving through the countryside when
he spots a sign that says "PIGLETS FOR SALE", and decides
to stop and buy one.
  He picks one out, and asks the farmer how much it costs.
  "Well, they're 60-cents-a-pound," says the farmer, who
then bites down on the piglet's tail, letting it hang for
a moment. "The piglet's 10 pounds, so it'll be 6 dollars."
  The city fellow doesn't believe the farmer can weigh pigs
that way, so the farmer calls over his son, who also hangs
the pig by his teeth, and agrees that it's 10 pounds.
  "Ok, I'll pay," says the city slicker, taking out his 
  "Naw, just pay my wife, up at the house," says the farmer.
  "She handles the money."
  The city fellow goes up to the house, only to return a 
minute later with the cash still in hand.  "I couldn't 
pay your wife," he explains.  "She was busy weighing the 
telephone repairman!"

  When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked 
on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for 
Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it 
by several remarks - the usual com traffic between him, the 
other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered 
the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, 
Mr. Gorsky."
  Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark 
concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon 
checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor 
American space programs.
  Over the years, many people have questioned him as to 
what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On 
July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions 
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year 
old question to Armstrong.  He finally responded. It 
seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt 
he could answer the question.  When he was a kid, Neil 
was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. 
His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his 
neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and
Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he 
heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? 
Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid 
next door walks on the moon!"

  A couple of friends and I were sitting in a bar, talking 
about what guys usually talk about...women.  We were talking 
about how we rate women, and trading lies about the beautiful 
women we'd had.  After a while, we decided to compare our 
rating systems by checking out the women as they came in.  
The first woman that came in was this cute little brunette.
She was short, built well, with nice tits, and a cute little 
  "She's at least an 8," I said, "very nice."
  "Yeah, an 8 at least," said my other friend.
  "No," said the third guy. "I wouldn't give her more 
than a 1."
  "A 1?" we shrieked.  "That's pretty tough."
  In a few minutes, a tall redhead walked in and by our 
table.  She smiled as she passed. 
  "Well," I said, "I like red heads. I'd give her a 9."
  "I can agree with that," mimicked my friend.
  "Still a 1...maybe a 2," said the other guy.
  Well, we were taken aback by this flippant attitude, but 
we continued our ratings, with the third guy always rating 
very low.  A short time later, however, this foxy blonde 
walked in.  Every eye in the place watched her as she 
ambled up to the bar.  Her low cut mini-skirt revealed 
enough to show she had it all.  Her figure was something 
out of a dream.
  "I think we've seen a 10 now, or higher if possible," 
I said.
  "Yeah, she makes my tongue so hard I can hardly speak," 
said my friend.
  Still unmoved, the last guy said, "Wow, yeah she's about 
a 4."
  This was about all we could take.
  "A 4?", we echoed. "What scale are you using?"
  "Well, I use the Budweiser scale," he replied.
  "The Budweiser scale?"
  "Yeah...the Budweiser scale."
  "What the hell is the Budweiser scale?"
  "Well, I just try to estimate how many Clydesdale's it 
would take to pull her off my face", he replied.

  A man was walking along a street one foggy day when he 
saw a ladder going into the clouds.  Being an inquisitive 
type, he climbed the ladder.  He reached a cloud, upon 
which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.  "Screw me 
or climb the ladder to success" she said.
  No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder 
to the next cloud.  On this cloud was a slightly thinner 
woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.  "Screw me hard 
or climb the ladder to success" she said.
  "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
  On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, 
this time, was quite winsome.  "Screw me now or climb the 
ladder to success" she uttered.  Now recognizing the trend, 
he turned her down and went on up the ladder. 
  On the next cloud was an absolute beauty:  slim, 
attractive, the lot. 
  "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.  
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, but being a 
gambling man, he decided to climb again.
  When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound 
ugly man, covered with thick coarse hair, flies buzzing 
around his head.
  "Who are you?" the man asked. 
  "Hello," the ugly fat man leered, "my name is Cess!"

  Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a 
woman's tits best," the first guy says.
  The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass."
  He asks the third guy "what about you?".
  "Me?  I prefer to see the top of her head."


  A man refused to buy his wife the things that she 
wanted and needed most because he was too cheap. After 
a while, he died, and his wife had him cremated. She 
decided to keep her dead husband's ashes in an urn on 
the mantle of their fireplace.
  One day she decides to "talk" to her husband, so she 
takes the urn from the mantle, spreads the ashes onto 
a table, and begins to talk to them, "Remember that 
diamond ring that I wanted for my birthday, but never
got? Well I got it. And do you remember that new car 
that I wanted you to get me because mine kept on 
stalling no matter how many times we had it fixed? Well, 
I got that, too. And remember that coat that I wanted 
you to get me because moths had eaten through mine? I 
got that, as well. You were too cheap to get me those 
things -- but now, I'd like to give you something. 
Remember that blow job that you wanted me to give you 
when you were still alive? Well HERE IT IS -- "
and blows the ashes off the table

  Three girls are sitting around and totally bored so one of them 
suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and 
name them after beverages.
  The first girl's says, "I want mine to be 7-up because 7 days a 
week he's up."
  The second girl's says, "I want mine to be 'Mountain Dew' because 
when we were in the mountains, we were doing it."
  The third girl is thinking and thinking and finally she says, 
"I want mine to be Jack Daniels."
  The other two ask in unison, "Why Jack Daniels?"
  The third girl says, "Because it's a hard liquor."

  A blonde was taking golf-lesson. She was doin' utterly 
awful and kept hitting the ball into the trees, or just 
beating the grass with the club. The instructor was getting 
rather desperate at this and finally said, 'I think the 
problem is with your grip to the club. You should hold it 
more lightly and tenderly. Imagine the club is man's you
know what.'
  The blonde thought this for a while, then took the club 
and hit the golf ball. It flew all beautifully, up to the 
putting green and then rolled to the hole. The instructor 
was amazed and exclaimed: 'That was a splendid hit! Now, 
next time, hold the club by hands not by your mouth.'

  A blonde met her friend at street and after initial 
greetings they started to talk about their boyfriends. 
At this point the friend mensioned that she was just 
about to give hers some Head&Shoulders due to dandruff. 
  The blonde looks at her friend and asks gravely, 'Give 
head I know, but how do you give Shoulders?'

  Little Johnny walks into the bathroom as his mother is 
taking a bath, and he points  at his mother's bush and 
asks, "Mommy, what is that?"
  His mother answers, " That's my black sponge."
  So Johnny nods and walks back outside. 
  Later, Johnny walks into the kitchen and asks where 
her black sponge is, and his mother says, "I don't know, 
its around here somewhere."
  To which Johnny replies, "Mommy, Mommy, I know where 
it is, I saw it!"
  And his mother asks, "Is that so? Where did you see it?"
  Johnny says back, "Well, I think Daddy must have borrowed 
it, cause I saw Mrs. Evans down the street through her 
window, and she was cleaning Daddy's face with it."

  One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband 
gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing 
her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, 
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want 
to stay fresh."
  The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.  
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his 
wife again. 
  This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a 
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

  A man sits down at the bar and orders 6 shots.
  The bartender watches as the man swills them back in 
quick fashion and asks, "Are you celebrating something?"
  "Yeah, my first blowjob."
  "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." 
  "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the 
taste, nothing will."

  This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving 
along on a snowy night.  They guy gets out to change the 
tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he 
gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands 
blue from the cold.
  "Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," offers 
his gal.  So he does, then gets out to finish the job.  
It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more 
time to warm his hands, again between her legs.
  Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, 
and is about to put the key into the ignition when she 
asks, "Aren't your ears cold?"

  There's a priest in confessional, and he's doing the 
regular thing.  A girl comes in and says, "Forgive me 
father, for I have sinned."
  The priest asks her what she has done, and she says, 
"I let my boyfriend put his fingers in me."
  The priest looked down the list (you know they have 
one!) and said, "All right, that'll be two hail marys 
and an our father."
  The girl leaves, and a little while later, another
girl enters.  "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
  He asks this girl what she's done, and she says, "I 
allowed my boyfriend to perform oral sex on me."
  The priest again looks down the list, sees female
oral sex, and read it off:  "Three hail maries and 
two our fathers."
  The girl then leaves.  A little while later, the 
priest is getting restless - he had some chili for 
lunch, and it's coming back to haunt him.  Finally, 
he goes out, grabs a janitor, and says, "Al, you gotta
man the booth for me, I'm about to shit my pants!"
  The janitor looks dazes, and says, "But my name's 
Bob.  And I can't do that!"
  The priest says, "Sure you can.  Just ask 'em what 
they've done, and read the punishment off the list."
  The janitor reluctantly gets in the booth. A few 
minutes later, a girl comes into the booth and says,
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
  The janitor says, "Uh, whatcha do?"
  The girl says, "I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."
  The janitor looks down the list...Shit!  He thinks 
to himself, There's nothing here for blowjob.  He runs 
out of the booth and looks for someone who might know.  
He grabs a choirboy and asks, "Hey kid, what does the 
priest usually give for a blowjob?"
  The choirboy replied, "Usually a Snickers bar and a 
pat on the head."

  A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. 
The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I 
want to compliment you on your physique, it really is 
phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head 
so small?" 
  The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this 
question many times.
  "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost
in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally
realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to 
a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. 
Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 
wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone 
and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into 
a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. 
  She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my 
scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold
Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! 
there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and 
was standing there naked!
  She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I
looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want 
to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She 
nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love 
for hours!  Later, as we lay there next to each other, 
sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into 
my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it 
  I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?" 

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