Adult Humour

Adult Humour

Know how you can tell a happy sperm?
It's the one with egg on its face!

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps 
with everybody at the party except you.

What can 4 women do better than 3 women?

Why do sexy hunks have bad memories?
Umm...  err...  I forgot.

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens 
and women are crockpots.

When you're feeling so low that you have to reach up to touch 
bottom, whose bottom you touch can make a big difference.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup; the best 
part is remembering the name of the person sleeping next to you.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; 
if you are not home by then, you are in deep trouble.

I was snatched in the prime of youth by someone who was primed in 
the snatch of youth!

You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite 
body temperature.

There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse 
than sex.  But there is nothing exactly like it.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to
get or how long it is going to last.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; 
the other eight are unimportant.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.

Why do men suffer from premature ejaculation?
Cos they can't wait to get to the pub and tell their mates about it.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, it's all over until next time.

My husband said he wanted some good old fashioned loving, 
so I introduced him to my grandmother. 

What are the three greatest lies?
a) the cheque is in the post
b) small is beautiful
c) I won't come in your mouth

How do you make paper dolls? 
Screw an old bag. 

What's the definition of a cinderella 10? 
A girl that fucks and sucks all night and turns into a pizza 
 and a six pack at midnight

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
The pick pocket snatches watches.

Suzie: "Can you beat my total of 71 men?"
Jane: "If you supply the whips."

  A fellow we know has a broken arm he received in fighting for a
woman's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it.

What's the difference between a 35 year old woman and a 35 year old man?
The woman is obsessed with having kids; the man, with fucking kids.

I am not hungry,
I am not homeless,
But - Will Work For Sex

Overheard at a large party:
Young woman: "I was just geesed!"
Man: "You mean goosed?"
Woman: "No. I know the difference between one finger and three."

what is the difference between a women's track team and a midget spy team? 
one is a team of cunning runts. 

How can you tell if your date is an intellectual?
She enjoys doing the Rorschact test with the wet spot.

What's the difference between a long distance runner and a female cook?
One is a pant in the country.

How is a slut like a bowling ball?
You pick them up, put three fingers in them, then throw them in the gutter.

Have you heard about the new pill which causes orgasms in women as 
 a side effect?
It's called "Nomanatol"!

What's the major difference between wives and husbands who
 are trying to have children.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child. 
Husbands want to videotape the the conception.

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the shit out of him.

What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over 
them for life.

Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.

What does a near-sighted gynocologist and a dog have in common?
Wet noses.

What's a wife ?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.

What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A piece of ass that makes your eyes water.


Did you the one about the little guy who went to Alaska and came
back a husky fucker. 

What is the difference between a "wet dream" and a "western dream"?
With a "western dream", when you wake up, you're still shooting!


Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.

I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...
she owes most of her jewelry to "The Power of Positive Winking"

I'm not saying she's fast and loose but...
she's kissed so many sailors, her lips move with the tide

How can you tell a women is butch?
She rolls her own tampons.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken?

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A tea bag.

If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you
 wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!

What is Rodeo Sex?
  Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly
ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to
her, "This is the way your sister likes it too." then you see if you
can stay on for 8 seconds!


What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey


What's the definition of a cad? 
A man who doesn't tell his wife he's sterile until she's pregnant. 

  I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another...
  I said, "Let's go back to my place."
  She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"  
  I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

What's the difference between Mata Hari and your ex-girlfriend?
One is a cunning fuck, the other is a fucking cunt.

Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas 
 station attendant?
Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle 
 and spray gas all over the car.

Did you hear about the orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
It comes with a 16 inch applicator.

  This woman runs into a police station screaming, "I've been graped!
I've been graped!"
  The policeman on duty stares at her and says, "Madam, do you mean
you've been raped?"
  "No," she says. "There was a bunch of them."

  A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 
wedding anniversary. The husband had given his wife a gift -- 
a tombstone, with the inscription: Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever.
  Later, the furious wife bought a return present -- also a tombstone 
-- on which the inscription read: Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last.

  A man comes home after a heavy night's drinking. His wife won't open
the door for him, so he starts hammering on it.
  She still won't let him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbors are
starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing
at the top of his voice, "I had her before she was married, I had her
before she was married!"
  The top window immediately flies open and his wife responds, "And so
did half the damn football team!"

  This bloke spots a nice looking girl in a bar so he goes up and 
starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asks her name.
  "Carmen," she replies.  
  That's a nice name," he says warming up the conversation, "Who 
named you, your mother?"
  "No, I named myself," she answers.
  "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
  "Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly 
into his eyes. "What's your name?"
  "Scotchpussy." he replies.

  Two blonde girls walk into a department store.  They walk up to the 
perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.  Sharon sprays it on her 
wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy"
  "Yeah.  What's it called Sharon?"
  "Viens a moi."
  "Viens a moi?  What the hell does that mean?"
  At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, 
is French for 'come to me.'"
  Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, 
"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

Sex For Dummies Exam:


Directions: Please complete the following problems. You may use a 
scratch piece of paper for your calculations which must be turned 
in with your exam. 
SHOW ALL WORK! Use only a #2 pencil. 
You have 20 minutes to complete the exam. 

1.) A menstrual cycle has three wheels. [True] or [False] 

2.) Asphalt describes rectal problems. [True] or [False] 

3.) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. [True] or [False] 

4.) Vagina is a medical term used to describe 
    a Heart Attack. [True] or [False] 

5.) The clitoris is a type of flower.  [True] or [False] 

6.) A G-string is part of a fiddle.  [True] or [False] 

7.) Semen is a term for sailors.  [True] or [False] 

8.) Anus is a Latin term for yearly. [True] or [False] 

9.) Testicles are found on an Octopus. [True] or [False] 

10.) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.  [True] or [False] 

11.) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. [True] or [False] 

12.) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.  [True] or [False] 

13.) Coitus is a musical instrument. [True] or [False] 

14.) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. [True] or [False] 

15.) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.  [True] or [False] 

16.) A condom is a large apartment complex.  [True] or [False] 

17.) An orgasm is a person who accompanies
      a church choir. [True] or [False] 

18.) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.  [True] or [False] 

19.) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. [True] or [False] 

20.) An erection is when Japanese people vote.  [True] or [False] 

21.) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.  [True] or [False] 

22.) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
                     [True] or [False] 

23.) Pornography is the business of making records. 
[True] or [False] 

24.) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. [True] or [False] 

25.) Douche is the French word for "twelve."  [True] or [False] 

  Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. 
"That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night.
Should I go?"
  "Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, 
and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip 
off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"
  "What should I do?"
  "Wear an old dress."

  A very conservative doctor was consulted by an older man who wasn't
feeling very well.
  After a thorough medical checkup, the doctor said, "Mr. Kramer, 
I can't find anything specifically wrong with you.  I have only one 
suggestion...that, eh...give up some of your love life."
  There was a long pause, and then Mr. Kramer said, "O.K., Doc. But 
which half should I give up:  thinking about it or talking about it?"

  Paddy visited his parents the day after his wedding. His father
took him aside and asked, "How did it go last night, son?"
  Paddy winked and elbowed his dad. "Gee, great. You know, the way
she was acting, I think I could have screwed her."

  Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow 
worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three 
girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps.
  After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the 
first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might 
be an electrical engineer.
  Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am!  How did you know?"
  "Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron."
  Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you 
a mechanical engineer?"
  He said, "Why, yes, ma'am.  How did you know that?"
  "Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder."
  Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, 
"Are you a civil engineer?"
  "I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?"
  "Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and 
flooded my village."

  A guy walks a woman to the door after there first date. He asks 
her if she has had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get 
her really horny she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.
  The next week the guy picks her up for there evening out dressed 
in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her throws her on the back of 
his newly rented Harley and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.
  The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.
When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
  He asks her "Well, was I Rough?"
  "Yes," she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
  "And was I Tough?" he asks.
  "Oh yes," she moans.
  "Well them its time to be selfish". So he whipped out his penis 
and gave himself a handjob.

  These two Welsh blokes meet each other in the street. One says 
to the other, "Nice bike. Where did you get it?"
  "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to work the other day 
when this pretty young girl rode up to me on this bike. She jumped 
off, took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have ANYTHING you 
  "Good choice," says the first Welsh bloke, "Her clothes wouldn't 
have fitted you."

  The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in 
France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck 
up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only 
spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand 
a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and 
drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went 
for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a 
restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to 
dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.
They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a
glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for 
the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
  He was dumbfounded, and has never be able to understand how she 
knew he was in the furniture business!!

  At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of
July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known
generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations
with you?"
  "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
  "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your
knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
  "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real 
fancy Mazda's."

  A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a
beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does 
have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so 
she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words
"Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.
  She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she 
has a beautiful butt.
  He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt".
  She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her 
ass. The man tells her he can't fit that on her ass, as it takes 
up too much space but he can tattoo the letters BB on each cheek 
and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.
  On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing
a robe.  She Then stands at the top of the stairs.
  He opens the door and she says, "Look honey."
  She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the 
man yells, "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"!

  When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the 
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the 
papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and 
complained bitterly,
  "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."
  Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I 
knew he died of diarrhoea. But I thought it would be better for 
posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big 
shit he always was."

  One fine summer morning in Dodge City, Chester the deputy woke 
up with a huge erection. Not knowing what to do, he consulted
Marshall Dillion.
  "Marshall, Marshall...", said Chester, "I woke up with a hard-on
and don't know whut ta do!!". 
  Marshall Dillon tells Chester, "Well, go out to the stables and 
shovel manure for a while and that should take care of it".
  So Chester begins shoveling.
  After a while, Miss Kitty comes walking by and asks "Chester,
what are you doing?".
  "Well, Miss Kitty, I woke up with a hard-on and I didn't know
whut ta do wid it. Marshall Dillon told me to come out chere and 
shovel manure for a while."
  Raising her dress enough to expose herself Miss Kitty exclaims,
"Why don't you just stick it in here, Chester?"
  Chester says, "The whole shovel full, Miss Kitty??"

  A man repeatedly asks out a beautiful young woman he works with. 
She says no at first, but finally agrees.
  "You can pick me up at eight on Friday," she says, "but you have 
to bring me a pocketknife."
  "Well, okay," he says, puzzled.
  Friday night comes, and he arrives at her house with a pocketknife. 
She thanks him, opens a drawer in a desk which is already full of
pocketknives, and drops the new one in.
  At the restaurant, the man's curiosity finally gets the better of 
  "I'm sorry, but I have to know. What's the story on these 
  She smiles at him and answers, "I know that you men ask me out
just because I'm pretty. I know that in twenty years my looks will 
be gone and men won't be interested in me anymore. But I also know 
that there's nothing a fifteen year old boy won't do for a pocketknife."


  An old man and a young woman. Stuck in an elevator. 
The building is on fire. 
  The young woman asks, "Sir I am interested what would 
you do if you thought you only had twenty minutes to live?"
  "Well I think I would make love, to anything that moved.
Why what would you do?"
  "Well, under the circumstances, I think I would keep
perfectly still."

  One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down 
to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what 
he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and 
then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance 
by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying
to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but
before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
head with the blanket.
  "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you 
about this."
  "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac 
with you!"

  After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a 
pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to 
the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?"
  The woman blushed and replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, 
I'll have a large stiff one, please."
  The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into 
the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"

  One day a mailman drove up to a women's door to pick up a huge 
parcel. The women asked the man to come in and help her with the 
parcel, since it is a HUGE one. She kept it in the backyard so it 
likely wouldn't be stolen. As they entered the backyard, the mailman 
had a In-Your-Face encounter with some pants on a clothsline that 
was hanging out to dry. He pulls the pant out of the way with some 
  The women exclaims, 'Good lord! You just dirtied a perfectly clean 
pant! I don't think you should be helping me with this. It's fragile
and I don't want you to do the same thing. You should stay in the 
garage with my dog Ass while I haul this out to your delivery Van!'
  And so, the mailman goes into the house to the garage to stay 
with Ass.
  In the Garage, the dog grew scared of the stranger, and bit him. 
The mailman winds up and smacks the dog violently. The women see 
this and tells him to stay in the living room if he can't behave 
himself there.
  The living room had a cat named pussy. The cat was pushed off 
the chair by the mailman, and the cat scratched and scratched the 
mailman's uniform like it was furniture. In a fury of anger, he 
grabs the cat throat-first and pulls all the hair off it. When the 
women went to the living room to ask how much was the delivery, 
she saw her cat completly skin and bone.
  'Aaaaarrrrgggh! How dare you! I'm calling 911 to sue your %*$(*&%
  Here's what it sounded like: 
  A man pulled my pants, slapped my ass and pulled all the hairs
off my pussy!!!


Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.  
Worse: For another woman.
Ugly: To enter a convent.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.  
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.  
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.  
Bad: You're arrested.  
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The teacher likes your son.  
Bad: Sexually.

Good: You came home for a quickie.  
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Ugly: So did the postman.

Good: You go to see a strip show. 
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.  
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.  
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.  
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.  
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Bad: Your children are sexually active. 
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. 
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Good: You get a three-day weekend. 
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theater. 
Bad: It's performance art.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." 
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". 
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. 
Bad: Making a sex-ed video.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video. 
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife's kinky. 
Bad: With the neighbors. 
Worse: All of them

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

  There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife 
says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with 
their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.
  So the father goes to his son's room and says, "Son, do you 
remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?"
  "Oh yes papa, I remember very well," says the son.
  "Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do 
the same thing."

  This old couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary 
at a dinner sponsored by their family and friends. Just before they 
were to walk up and take their seats at the head table, the husband 
pulls his wife aside and tells her, "Its been a wonderful 50 years,
you have been a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother to our 
children. No regrets".
  Then she says, "Yes, it has been a wonderful 50 years, you have 
been a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father to our children, 
and I only have two regrets".
  Whereupon the husband throws up his hands and asks, "What, what?"
  She replies that, "for 50 years, when ever we have had sex, you 
have always been on top; and the second is that for 50 years you 
have picked your nose".
  The husband says, "I can explain, I can explain. When I left
the old country, my father took me aside and told me... 'Son,
whatever you do, keep your nose clean, and don't fuck up'".

  A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced 
enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you 
gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you 
think it means?"
  With certainty in his voice, the man said "You'll know tonight."
  That evening the man came home with a small package and handed 
it to his wife.
  With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package 
to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of Dreams".

  This bloke pulls a girl and persuades her to go to a hotel room 
with him. They're just about to have sex when it occurs to him that
she looks rather young.
  "How old are you?" he asks.
  "Thirteen," she replies.
  "Oh, my God," he exclaims and grabs his trousers, gets dressed 
and runs out of the room.
  Shaking her head sadly the girl curses, "Men are so superstitious."

  Your honor, I am 86 years old. So here I am, sitting there on 
the porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping 
up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and 
it feels good, Your Honor.
  So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor. 
Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread 
my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
  That's when he yelled, "April Fool"
and that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch!!

Ten signs He only Wants to Get Laid

1. Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps
winking and doing the eyebrow thing.

2. When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he
solemley replies, "the skin bus to tuna town," and then laughs
until he cries.

3. You note that integrity is so important in a man, he notes
that what he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."

4. He whispers, "you're beautiful," to your thighs, then glances
up at your face and says, "oh you, too."

5. When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek 
mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit.

6. In conversation with others, he refers to you as his 
"quality tail."

7. Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time, 
you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel 
rod and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.

8. When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of 
your first date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."

9. When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory
speech to him, he praises "your multitalented mouth."

10. When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at
your breasts and loudly asks, "what do they do?"

  At the Digital Arts Festival in Lenz, Austria, one of the contests 
is sperm racing.
  Using a ''Computer Assisted Sperm Analyzer,'' normally used in the
medical profession to measure the quality of a man's sperm with regard
to it's density, speed and pH value, the promoters are using it to 
allow men to race their sperm against other men. Men bring a sample 
and women are encouraged to bet on the ultimate winner.  Men must be 
happy to find one sexually related activity where faster IS better.
  Winners can choose anonymity or can reveal themselves in the hope 
of becoming popular to women who might find this an attractive male
quality. Photos showing a man's sperm, blown up a thousand times, 
are also available to the participant.
  Next year maybe they can have a contest finding out whose sperm is

Does This Sex Count?

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. 
This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you 
have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, 
doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, 
doesn't count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "Did I shave my legs for 
this", doesn't count.

7. An old flame, doesn't count.

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count ,refer to this as a "pity fuck".

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation.

11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex.

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, 
not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other.

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, 
doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the 
family closet".

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it,
it was public right?).

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation".

18. In car, doesn't count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion and 
has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not 
to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule 1.

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not 
achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count.

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been 
exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count.

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count 
(not considered to be intimate).

22. An act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count.

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, 
this should be referred to as "being neighborly".

24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with 
your significant other doesn't count.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, 
this should be considered "getting aquainted".

26. An act with a US President, doen't count, unless the Senate 
votes impeachment.

27. An act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career 
enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!


  Over their fifth drink the young man asked the girl to come 
to his apartment to see his etchings.
  She thought the excuse was so corny and so sweet she agreed.
  When she got there and he opened the door and snapped on the 
light she was surprised to see thousands of etchings covering 
the walls. Not a stick of furniture, not a lounge nor a bed.
  Boy was she floored.

  There were 3 hikers looking for a place to sleep. The first 
hiker finds a castle, and asks the king if he could stay there.
  The king replies, "Yes, you can sleep in the barn with all the 
  The second hiker finds the castle and asks the same thing and 
the king replies, "Yes, you can sleep in the barn with the animals 
and the other hiker."
  The third hiker comes along and asks the king if he could stay
there, and the king replies, "Yes, you can sleep with all 18 of 
my beautiful daughters since the barn is full."
  The next morning the three hikers met and they asked each other 
how they felt. The two that had slept in the barn said they felt 
like "SHIT" from all the animals. The one that slept with the 
daughters said he felt like a golf ball.
  When asked why he replied, "You would too if you went through 
18 holes in one night!"

  A young couple gets married.  Right after the wedding reception 
they go to the airport and fly down to the sunny Caribbean and 
check into the resort hotel.  The man tips the bellhop and sends 
him on his way. 
  Standing there together, expecting a wonderful honeymoon kiss, 
the young women is very surprized when her man quickly pulls off 
his pants and throws them in her face.
  "Here you go, put these on." he demanded.
  She is, of course, taken aback, but not wanting to start the 
honeymoon off with a tiff, she complies.  Maybe it's a little love 
game she thinks. Each time she pulls them up, they slide back down, 
being several sizes too big.
  "I can't wear your pants," she exclaims.
  "Exactly right," he says. "I wear the pants in this family.
That's how it's gonna stay. Just you remember that."
  She stands there with her arms crossed, tapping her foot lightly, 
and gives him one of "those" looks. Then she reaches down and pulls 
off her panties. She throws them in his face.
  "Put those on, your Highness." she demanded.
  He thinks it's kind of "cute", obviously, now that he's established
his superiority, she wants to play a sexy little game, so he goes
along with the joke.  The tiny white bikini underpants are far too
tight to even get over his upper thighs, naturally, so he says...  
  "I can't get into your pants!"
  She replied, "Exactly right, Mr. King Shit, and until you fix 
your damned attitude, that's how it's gonna stay."

  A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with 
her girlfriends when an exceptionally handsome, tall, extremely sexy 
young man entered.  He was so striking that the woman could not take 
her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive 
stare and walked directly toward them.
  Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring,
young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that 
you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
  Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition  was.
  The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do 
in just three words."
  The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew her 
wallet from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills which 
she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply 
into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said, "Clean my house."

  The romance was off to a shaky start from the beginning because 
she was conservative while he was traditional labour but they 
decided to live together on the basis of agreeing to disagree.
  It went well for a short time until a television programme set 
off the inevitable political argument. When they retired to bed he 
remained on the left and she on the extreme right.
  Eventually she made an overture: "There is a split in the Tory
movement and it is quite likely that if a Labour member stood he 
could slip in unopposed."
  "Too late," he said. "There's been too much stimulation in the
private sector and he has blown his deposit."

  Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to 
a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement
in the 'Lonely Hearts' column.
  "Well, madam," the assistant said, "We charge a minimum of $1 per 
  "You don't say," said the spinster "Well then, here's $20 and to 
hell with the advertisement!"

   An 8-year-old boy came in late for school one day and his teacher 
asked him where he had been.
  He said, "On top of Cherry Hill."
  His teacher told him to make sure this wouldn't happen again. But 
the next day, the boy came in late again, this time with his hair 
messed up and his shirt ripped. His teacher asked again where he 
had been.
  He replied, "On top of Cherry Hill."
  His teacher told him to sit down, and to get to school on time
from then on.
  This repeated for about 2 days until one day the little boy came 
to school with a girl friend. When his teacher asked who his friend 
was he replied with a smile on his face, "Cherry Hill"

  A 75-year-old tycoon and his 22-year-old bride were on their way
from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. 
Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack.
  Paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance 
rushed across town.
  The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, however, one of 
the medics turned to the young bride. "How about giving your husband 
a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them," he suggested.
  "Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the stretcher. 
"Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I want to have sex so bad I'm 
ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising,
lose weight.

Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole
grains, wheat germ, chicken fingers from Erie dining hall

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9

Distance sperm travels to fertilise an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)

Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Shelf life of a hostess twinkie: 7 years

Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm

# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6

  In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some 
say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a 
buttery or fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste; the 
taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. 
Examples: oranges, mangoes, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt 
Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drink a Corona with lime to double the fun)
  Odours that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, liquorice,
chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie (happy thanksgiving!)
  Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower
  It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood', a name for
an a.m. erection
  Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will
explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false
  Guys, it's not you, a female is wet all of the time.

  A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them
begin swearing.
  When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and 
you say 'ass'."
  The 4-year-old happily agrees.
  As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their 
mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for 
  The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
  WHACK!  The surprised mother reacts quickly.  The boy runs upstairs,
bawling and rubbing his behind.
  With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, 
"And what would YOU like for breakfast?" 
  "I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's
not gonna be Cheerios!"

  Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas.  
At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking 
them to their separate rooms.  The first dwarf is disappointed, 
however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that 
would enable him to join with  his date.  His depression is 
enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, 
"ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.
  In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" 
  The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't
get an erection."
  The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" 
he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

  I couldn't help but overhear our neighbor bragging to a friend 
about her husband.  She said he's such a dedicated salesman, he 
even subscribes to a magazine just to learn how to be more dynamic,
more aggressive, and more of a go-getter.  She's never looked at 
the magazine but she can tell by the title.
  Her friend said, "What's the title?"
  She said, "Hustler!"

  A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses 
the button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning
woman he has ever seen gets into the elevator and leans seductively
against the wall.
  The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. 
The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor.
She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage
the guy is getting very nervous.
  She takes off her skirt, drops her panties, poses seductively and
says, "Make a woman out of me".
  He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here, 
iron that."

  Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, 
his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the 
gates and got into the car.
  The only thing he said was, "F.F."
  His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
  Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
  She responded simply, "E.F."
  He repeated, "F.F."
  She again replied, "E.F."
  "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
  Bad Bernie answered, "your mother wants to eat first!"

  Little Johnny was playing in the front yard with his dog.
Mrs. Smith, a very religious lady, was walking down the 
sidewalk toward Johnny.
  Johnny looked up and said, " Good morning Mrs. Smith.  
It is such a beautiful day that God has given us.  Might 
I also add that you are looking your finest on this great
day that God has blessed us with!"
  Mrs. Smith replied, "Why thank you Johnny!"
  Being surprised at how polite the young boy was, she
continued to make conversation.  "And what is the name
of your dog?"
  Johnny looked up and replied "His name is Porky ma'am."
  "Oh, I see.  that's such a cute name. tell me why do you
call him Porky?" inquired Mrs. Smith.
  Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Because he fucks pigs!!!"

  A dissolute farmer's son, Johnny was called in one day for the final 
ultimatum from Farmer Buck.
  "Now, me son - we've had our differences, and we've argued.  You know 
I think you're not much good, and you know your brothers think worse. 
Now I'm willing to let all this be forgotten if you simply do one thing
right.  I'm giving these two fine, fat ducks, see, and you're going to 
take 'em to market tomorrow.  You're going to sell 'em, five dollars 
the pair, and bring all of it home to me.  See how simple it is?  Two 
ducks, five bucks.  OK?"
  Johnny agrees, and the new day dawns.  About 11am, Farmer Jim throws 
Johnny out into the road with two ducks in a sack, and our hero slouches
off.  It's a beautiful day, birds are singing, the sky is blue - and 
Naughty Jen the milkmaid from next door is sitting in the barn with her
dress up above her knees, and suddenly the market doesn't look so 
attractive any more....  But Jen's a mercenary sort, and when it gets 
down to the bodice and knickers, she say, "Stop right there, young Jack,
unless you got a present for me!"
  Johhny's straining at the fly about now, so all his owner can do is 
grunt, "got two ducks in me bag, OK?"
  She considers. "Oh, alright!" and they set to.
  After a most pleasant little interlude, and a quiet time in the hay, 
Jen stirs Johnny from his rest.
  "Come now, little man, let's see if you're up to it then". Johnny stirs. 
"Shall we say the ducks come back, then, Jen?"
  Mesmerised by the sight of Johnny rising, she eagerly agrees. Much 
later, Johnny jolts awake as the setting sun shines into his eyes.
  "Christ, I forgot the market!" he says, and sprints off down the road, 
duck bag banging his leg, belt al undone.
  Of course, he was too late for market, and his brothers pass him coming 
back in their cart, smirking as they riffle their wads of bills. Drearily
he turns about, and shuffles home. He's moping along,swinging his bag of 
ducks fore emphasis as he practices what he is going to say to his father,
when a carriage thunders around the bend behind him.  He gets such a 
fright he drops the ducks, and dives into the ditch.  As he surfaces, 
spitting weed, he sees an elderly woman, all distraught, berating her 
  "Are you alright, my good man? My idiot of a driver goes much too fast 
for these lanes. Is this your sack?"
  Johnny scenses a good thing. "Why, yes, ma'am, and I hope me ducks is
  Of course the ducks are squashed beyond repair, and Johnny has an 
enjoyable few minutes shedding a tear over his prides-and-joys, until 
the old woman eventually gives him fifty dollars, and drives off, 
leaving Johnny with the two squashed ducks.
  Johnny's welcome was as he thought it would be: his father raves as 
his brothers smirk, at the two indubitably unsold dead ducks.
  "You useless litle bastard, see how I can't even trust you to do the 
simplest thing? Five bucks for two ducks, that's all I asked, and what 
have you got? 
  Still two ducks, I see, and that means no money! I ought to...."
His father tails off as he says Johnny's quiet smile, and his upraised 
  "Five bucks you wanted father, for the ducks?  Here, here's five 
- and forty-five for meself, and the ducks back! And you want to know 
how it was done?  Simple.
  Two ducks for a fuck, a fuck for two ducks, fifty bucks for two 
fucked ducks, now fuck you, Buck!"
  And he walked off with the ducks to see if Jen couldn't be persuaded 
into an encore...

  Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective 
dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance 
and conversation.
  The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, 
"Lie back and relax.  This won't hurt a bit."
  The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because 
she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."
  The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess, because 
all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue 
to breathe normally."

  So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling
them that the word of the day is 'contagious.'  She asks if anyone 
can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their 
  "Johnny," she says. 
  Johnny says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 
'cause they're contagious."
  "Very good," says the teacher.  Then she picks Suzie, who says, 
"The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, 
  Then she notices that Carl has his hand up, at the back of the class.  
  "Yes, Carl?" she says.
  Carl says, "Th'other day, me and my dad's sittin around, and we saw
our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model
car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down
the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt 
ages to finish that fence.""

  A woman was wearing a very tight skirt.  When she tried to board the 
Fifth Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.  She reached back 
and unzipped her zipper.  It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached 
back and unzipped it again.  Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up 
and put her on the top step of the bus.
  "How dare you?" she demanded.
  "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the second
time I thought we were good friends."

  A couple were spending their first night together as a married couple 
in the honeymoon suite of a posh hotel.  The guy was in the bathroom 
having a wash when his wife called to him "Do you know what I want?".
  He popped his head round the door only to see his wife lying stark 
naked on the bed.
  "No", he said.
  So she opened her legs and called out again "Do you know what I want?".
  "No", he said again.
  So she opened her legs a little further and called "Now do you know 
what I want ?".
  Once again, he replied "No".
  Finally, she opened her legs as wide as she possibly could and shouted
  And the guy said "All the damn bed by the looks of things!!!".

  A little boy goes up to his father and asks, "Dad, what's the 
difference between hypothetical and reality?"
  The father replies, "Well son, I could give you the book definitions,
but I feel it would be best to show  you by example. Go upstairs and 
ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
  The boy goes and asks his mother, "Mom, would  you have sex with the
mailman for $500,000?"
  The mother replies, "Hell  yes I would!"
  The little boy returns to his father, "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I 
  The father then says, "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if 
she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." 
  The boy asks his sister, "Would you have sex with your principal 
for $500,000?"
  The sister replies, "Hell yes I would!" 
  He returns to his father, "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
  The father answers, "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, 
we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple
of whores."

  This guy walks into a bar and sees another haggy looking girl across 
the bar.
  He shouts, "Bartender! Give that douche bag a drink!"
  The bartender says, "Hey, you shouldn't be calling my patrons that." 
  "Just do what I tell you," the man replies.
  So the bartender goes to the woman accross the bar and says, "that 
guy over there wants to buy you a drink." What would you like"? 
  "Vinegar and water, please," she replies. 

  The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to 
a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have
the time?"
  In a strident voice she responded, "How dare you make such a
proposition to me?"
  The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware 
that every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. 
He mumbled, "I just asked the time, miss."
  In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police 
if you say another word!"
  Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man
hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding 
his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
  Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. 
In a quiet voice, she said, "I am terribly sorry, sir, to have 
embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university 
and I am writing a thesis on the reaction of human beings to sudden 
shocking statements."
  The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and
bellowed, "You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?"


Signs Your Grandparents are still Sexually Active!

Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

Granny found cuffed to her walker.

Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

You've just seen the photos in the May issue of Hustler.

Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle."

  A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
  "Well," says the doctor,  "I can do the facelift, and then 
you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
  "Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot, 
I don't want to have to come back."
  The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new 
procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then 
anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little 
turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
  "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." 
  Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
  "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. 
  "Terrible!" the lady bellows. " It's the worst mistake I've 
ever made."
  "What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
  "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. 
  "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are 
your breasts and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're 
going to have a beard!"

  There was a fly hovering above a pond.  Well, the fly doesn't know 
it but there is a fish swimming underneath the water thinking 'Now if 
that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna eat that fly'.
  Well, the fish doesn't know it but there is a bear sitting next to 
the water thinking 'Now if that fly drops six inches that fish is going
to get that fly, and I'm gonna get that fish'.
  Well, the bear doesn't know it but there is a hunter kneeling in the 
woods thinking 'Now if that fly drops six inches, that fish is going to
get that fly, that bear is going to get that fish, and I am going to 
shoot that bear'.
  Well, the hunter doesn't know it but there is a mouse hiding near the 
hunter thinking 'Now if that fly drops six inches, that fish is going 
to get that fly, that bear is going to get that fish, that hunter is 
going to shoot that bear, and I am going to get that hunter's cheese'.
  Well, the mouse doesn't know it but there is a cat crouched near the 
mouse thinking ''Now if that fly drops six inches, that fish is going 
to get that fly, that bear is going to get that fish, that hunter is 
going to shoot that bear, that mouse is going to get that hunter's 
cheese, and I am going to eat that mouse'.
The fly drops six inches
The fish gets the fly
The bear gets the fish
The hunter kills the bear
The mouse gets the hunter's cheese
And, as the cat jumps at the mouse, it trips and falls into the pond.
The moral of the story? If the fly drops six inches, the pussy gets wet!

  A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he 
glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He 
soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of 
nervous anticipation washes over him. 
  Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to 
strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to 
  She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac 
Convention in Chicago." 
  Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. 
Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to 
him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! 
  Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's
your role at this convention?"
  She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and 
says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." 
  "Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" 
  She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is 
most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen
are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who 
romance women best, on average." 
  "Very interesting" the man responds.
  Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry,"
she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even 
know your name."
  The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto...Tonto Goldstein." 

  It was another Payday, and I was tired of being Mr. Goodbar. I saw 
Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and 
Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart,
how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
  Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was
like pure Almond Joy.  I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 
because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.  
It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my 
Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat as she started to scream,
"Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
  Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't
be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of
the old Milky Way.
  She asked if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff."
I said, "Look you little Reese Piece, don't be a Zero be a Lifesaver. 
Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your 
Bit O'Honey?" (And what a piece of JuicyFruit she was, too).
 She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!"
as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter 
Cup.  Well, I was givin' it to her Good'n'Plenty, when all of the sudden,
my Starburst! 
  Well, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and
omplained of a Wrigley in her stomach.  Sure enough, nine months later, 
out popped a Baby Ruth!

  This guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford.  
He was cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several
  Finally one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical
relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.  Cindy said she
was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.
  Everything was great for about 4 months.
  One day the guy goes to Cindy and says, "I'm having this problem... 
It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor."
  Cindy replied "Okay," and he says, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?"
  Cindy looks at him a little funny, but answers, "Sure, you can borrow 
my eyebrow pencil."
  The guy then says, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw 
a mustache on you?"
  Cindy is getting a little worried, but says "Okay."  And so the guy
draws a moustache on her.
  Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for
you to look more like a man?"  Cindy is getting a little disappointed
at this point, but says "I guess so," and puts on some of his clothes.
  Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"
  Cindy is now getting very dejected, and says "No, I guess not, you 
can call me Fred."
  So then the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and shouts
"Fred You won't believe who I have been sleeping with these past four

  A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's 
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right 
note: romantic, but not too personal.
  Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to 
Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister Purchased 
a pair of panties for herself.
  During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking
the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his 
sweetheart with the following note:
   "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for 
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but 
she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
  "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the  pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they
were hardly soiled.  I had her try yours on for me and she looked 
really smart.
  "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no
doubt other  hands will come in contact with them before I have a 
chance to see you again.
  "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting 
them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
  "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope  you will wear them for me on Friday night.  All my love.
  "P.S.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing."

  "How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as 
he set the man's broken leg.
  "Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
  "Never mind the past.  Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
  "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on
the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's
beautiful daughter came into my room.  She asked me if there was
anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. 
  "Are you sure?", she asked. 
  "I'm sure", I said.
  "Isn't there *anything* I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
  "I reckon not", I replied...
  "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do
with your leg?"
  "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on 
me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"


  A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.  
The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.  
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is 
hallucinating. A few minutes pass. 
  The man sneezes again.  He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip 
off.  The woman is about to go nuts.  She can't believe that such 
a rude person exists.  
  A few minutes pass.  The man sneezes yet again.  He takes his 
wang out and wipes the tip off.
  The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, 
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your 
penis from your pants to wipe it off!  What the hell kind of 
degenerate are you?" 
  The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have
a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." 
  The woman then says, "Oh, how strange.  What are you taking for it?"
  The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

  A first-grader comes home and announces that he and a girl from his 
class want to get married. His bemused parents decide to string him 
  "Where will you live after you get married?"
  "Well, we thought we would stay one week here, and one week with her
parents, then back here."
  "And what will you do for money?"
  "I get three dollars a week, and she gets two-fifty, that ought to 
be enough for us."
  Well, well, they've thought this out, the parents think to themselves.
"But when you get married, you usually have a baby.  What will you do 
if you have a baby?"
  "Well," says the boy, "So far we've been lucky."

  Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put 
his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady 
comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
  Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with
him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she 
has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying
to maintain eye contact. 
  After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's
go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
  He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, 
she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She 
purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
  The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several 
times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
  She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, 
don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and 
has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in 
heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
  Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you 
said you heard someone coming??  Well, that was me!!!"

  The Seven Dwarfs were discussing Snow White living with them. 
She now had her own little cottage next to theirs. One of the dwarves 
said that none of them had ever seen Snow White in the nude, so they 
planned to spy on her that evening. Since they were such short fellows
they stood on each others shoulders so that the top dwarf could see in 
her bedroom window.  
  When Snow White came home and entered her bedroom the top dwarf 
whispered, "She's here!"
  Each dwarf passed the message down to the one below him. 
"She's here.", "She's here." and so on down the line. 
  Then "She's taking off her blouse", "She's taking off her blouse,"
"She's taking off her blouse"
  Then "She's taking off her dress" and so on. 
  Then "She's taking off her bra" and that message got passed along.
  "She's taking off her panties", "She's taking off her panties."
  Then the top dwarf noticed the doorknob turning.  "Someone's coming," 
  "Me, too", "Me, too", "Me, too"...

  I think I'm going to dump my girlfriend.  Sex is becoming too
predictable.  Every time we make love she insists on doing it
doggie style.  I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

The Differences Between Good Girls and Bad Girls. 

*Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
*Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

*Good girls wax their floors.
*Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

*Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
*Bad girls know they could do it better.

*Good girls wear white cotton panties.
*Bad girls don't wear any.

*Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of
*Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of

*Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
*Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. 

*Good girls pack their toothbrush.
*Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

*Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
*Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

*Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
*Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

*Good girls prefer the missionary postition.
*Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

*Good girls say 'no'.
*Bad girls say 'when?'

  A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man 
comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.
Man:  So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer:  Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I 
got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the
Man:  Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.
Man:  So what happened then?
Farmer:  I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man:  and then?
Farmer:  Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as 
I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked 
over the bucket.
Man:  Again?
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.
Man:  So, what did you do then?
Farmer:  I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on
the right.
Man:  and then?
Farmer:  Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just 
as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the 
bucket with her tail.
Man:  Hmmm...
Farmer:  Some things you just can't explain.
Man:  So, what did you do?
Farmer:  Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt 
and tied her tail to the rafter.  In that moment, my pants fell 
down and my wife walked in.....

  One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with
cocktails, they are interrupted by an out of breath Freddie who shouts
out, "Uncle John!  Come quick!  The bull is humping the cow!"
  Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains
that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is 
surprising the cow', not some filth you picked up in the City."
  A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are 
  "Uncle John!  The bull is surprising the cows!"
  The adults share a knowing grin.  Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie,
but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A bull cannot 'surprise'
more than one cow at a time you know..."
  "Yes he can!" replied his obstinate nephew, "He's humping the horse!"

  3 men were all to give speeches to the Deaf Society.  All were keen 
to make an good impression on their audience. 
  The first man got up and to the surprise of his colleagues started 
by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finished the 
other two asked him what he was doing. 
  "Well", he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and 
thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen.
So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen". 
  On his way up to the podium the second man thought to himself I'll go 
one better and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his 
fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. 
  When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. 
  "Well", he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest 
and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen". 
  On his way up to the podium the third man thought to himself I'll go 
one further than those bastards and started his speech by making an 
antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, 
and then masturbating furiously. 
  When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
  "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then 
my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer 
Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."   


  Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. 
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for 
fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab 
the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." 
  And with that he slams another shot.
  The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing.  I take 
those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of 
  And with that he slams another shot.
  The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away.
  The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third 
mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
  The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

  The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding the trail all day. When 
they stop for a rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.
  "Buffalo come" remarks Tonto.
  "How can you tell?" asks the Lone Ranger.
  "Face Sticky!" Tonto replies

  A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up 
a stunning, blonde hitchhiker.
  A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so 
needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted 
road so she could give him some oral pleasure. 
  Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him
with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him 
of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car.
  Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began 
hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get something's 
help. A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled 
  "What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin.
  The man explained his plight...
  The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants
he remarked, "This just ain't been your day, has it boy!"

  It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. 
She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless 
with straps.
  As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very 
large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding 
on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with 
his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady 
in the wavy dress.
  The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease 
the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more 
excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
  Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She 
does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try 
lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely
  Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage 
door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the poor shut.
  "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"

  The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that 
they have such different views of sex and relationships.
  Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex;
Men want sex without the complication of an unnecessary relationship.

  The old farmer was having a pretty bad year.  All of his crops had
been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The 
only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the
middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded 
his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
  Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house.  So he took a 
basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
  A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door.  In a sexy voice 
she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
  Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really 
nice peaches for sale".
  The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit.
So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts.
  She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
  Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good 
  So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. 
She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
  The old farmer mumbled and then broke down crying and said, "Oh yes, 
they're wonderful peaches."
  She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
  The old farmer whimpered, "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato 
crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna
screw me out of my peaches."



  Before you read this, decide what your favorite color is.
No looking ahead or changing your mind, either. Got it?
Ok, read on...Your Favorite color is the "Key to Your Sexual Life"
  The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive
all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors 
you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a 
favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, 
especially in your clothing and home decor.
  The predominant color for you is the one that appears most 
frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you.
  A panel of psychologists, explained the association between
color and sexual patterns.

People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack.
They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable.
Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish.
When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady 
Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker 
colors should be aware.

If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn 
toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. 
But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is gay. In most cases
the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive
manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never 
turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: 
women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In 
some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly 
hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes 
in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are 
the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep
one, preferring to pick up someone in some bar instead. Women whose 
husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated
for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to 
mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. 
In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment 
than anyone else's gratification.

Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning 
black partners).  These people are the misfits of the sex world and 
seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and 
are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people 
and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy 
times.  Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the 
color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters 
and teenage gangs is black attire.

Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex.
Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life.
And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming 
and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate.
If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is
regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay
is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, 
meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image.  Orange people often 
do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to
pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's

If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown 
lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires 
of their partners. Love is a 24 hour a day thing, where you can't say,
"I love you," often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain 
or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown.
They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are 
such that one harsh word could end the affair.

The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get
excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal
shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -
- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am.  
Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons:
to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks 
in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when
teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's 
infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is
made in heaven.

Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate
and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider lovemaking a fine 
art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert 
pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby
grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are 
exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave 
rather than firery aggression.  Both women and men enjoy foreplay and 
the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself.  In marriage 
a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.

If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These 
people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make 
love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress 
beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These 
people still use pet names for their genitals.

  A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs
back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bars are cock
suckers. Anyone got a problem with that?"
  Everyone is understandably silent.
  He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other
side of the bar are mother fuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
  Everyone is silent, again.
  Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.
  "You got a problem, buddy?"
  "No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

  There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in 
a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him
several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to
death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.
  A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place
to spend the night.
  "Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk," said the
hospitable old man. "But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with,
like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."
  "Oh!" said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, "Just 
how far is it to the next house?"

  Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his 
wife was becoming routine and boring.
  "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 
'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
  "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for 
an hour?"
  "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

  A little girl ran out to the backyard where her father was working, 
and asked him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
  Like a good father, he sat her down, and told her all about the birds
and the bees. He told her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms
and eggs etc... He also told her about puberty, menstruation, erections, 
  His daughter was somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of 
bizarre new knowledge. Noticing her puzzled look, he asked, "So what 
did you want to know about sex for?"
  His little girl replied, "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a
couple of secs..."


  A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. 
The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could
get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only
1000 rubles.  So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
  It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of 
milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided
they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would
never have to worry about their milk supply again.
  So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. 
When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved 
to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, 
the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
  Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what
to do. After all he was very wise.
  They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow.
When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the
bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
  The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from
  "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we 
bought the cow from Minsk.
  How did you know that?"
  The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

  A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the 
teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to 
take her to the bull".
  "How disgusting," said the teacher. "I'm sure your father could 
have done that."
  "No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull"


  One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding
parents left us alone in the living room.
  Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, 
I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the
  "If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a
quarter," I said to her.
  Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon
was back again.
  "Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."

  This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to 
say she is asking for it, so when they get into bed on the wedding
night she asks him, "So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?"
  The man responds by raising his hand and outstretching his fingers.
  "What? Five times?" asks the eager girl.
  "No", he replied. "Pick a finger".


  Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
  "Does your wife ever. well, you know. does she. well, let you do 
it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
  "Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick
dog aspect of it."
  "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"
  "Well... not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to
roll over and play dead."


  A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the 
  "Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at 
the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then 
the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
  The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine 
down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and 
deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on 
and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was 
printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day.
Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
  That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical 
science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his 
wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the 
jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the 
machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing 
and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
 Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
 Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
 Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
 Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer
 If you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

  A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a
secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say
no to everything."
  "Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
  "No," the girl replied.
  "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
  "N-n-no," the girl stammered.
  "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're 
on the level about this."

  The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally
named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
  "That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big
bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
  "I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped 
up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was 
after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd 
let me know."

  A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere. Finally he spots 
2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the doorway.
He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
  He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says,
"What's up with your neighbors?"
  The owner of the house says, "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're 
both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling
her to go fuck herself!"

  A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him,
but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
  He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need",
then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
  The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips 
out his dick and starts masturbating.
  The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground
floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a 
hand saw!".
  The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - 
I'm coming!"

  A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. 
The coach said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a 
petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand."
  "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"

  The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, 
an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the
couple on their wedding night.  The carpenter figured sawing the slats
of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
  The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, 
of course.  The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin
and promised it would be memorable.
  The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms
buddies received the following note:



  Two travelling salesmen were sitting in a bar discussing their wives 
and their married lives. Naturally, after a while, the conversation 
turned to sex.
  "You know," said one, "I never had any sexual relations with my wife 
at all before we were married. Did you?"
  "I don't know." replied the older, more travelled man, "What was her 
maiden name?"


  It was reported today from Los Angeles that in the first known birth 
of its kind in the United States, Gaby Vernoff, has had a baby using 
sperm that was extracted from her dead husband as he lay in the morgue.
  A statement released by the happy mother said, "It was the best sex 
I ever had."

  There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and
take a shower.
  The guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out
of the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"
  She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [ I ], points to his knee
[ need ] and then makes raking motions.
  "What?" she yells.
  So he goes through the whole routine again.  She nods like she gets 
it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass,
and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, though
totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and
into the bathroom.
  "What did you say?"
  She says, "I said, eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

  A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island. His only companions in 
the boat are a pig and a bulldog. 
  After a few weeks, he's been pretty successful - built himself a 
shack and doing OK for food. The only problem, is that he's really 
starting to miss sex. 
  He looks at the options open to him and looks at the bulldog and 
the pig. "Got to be the pig", he thinks. 
  So, he starts screwing this pig and all of a sudden, the bulldog 
bites him on the arse. Bloody hell, he thinks - this isn't on. The 
next day, he tries again - bulldog sinks his fangs into his arse 
  Man goes for walk on seashore, trying to think what he's going to 
do about this. He comes across a young woman, looking in a bad way,
lying on the beach. He carries her back to his shack and spends the
next week or so looking after her and getting her back to health. 
  After a week, she finally comes around and says to him "I am just
so grateful for what you've done - anything I can do for you, just 
name it". 
  "Hmmm, he thinks", looking at this beautiful, young thing lying 
two feet from him. 
  "Well, there is something", he says somewhat nervously. 
  "Yes, name it - anything at all - I'm yours" 
  "OK, can you take this fucking dog for a walk?"

  I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled
straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased
myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up
and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it. Now I ride on
escalators all the time.

  I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure
and white. I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked
it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done. I threw away
the outsides of my Oreo cookie.

  I squeezed it gently at first, then a little bit harder. There seemed 
to be more and more of it. I moved it towards my lips. It was a strange 
and new sensation for me. I put it in my mouth and moved it around and 
around with my tongue. The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it 
out. It was quite an experience the first time I tasted toothpaste.

 They were both round and firm. There was only the slightest difference
 between the two. I took one in my hand and twisted it hard. I used my
 other hand to grab the other one and twist it hard the other way. Now
 there's a brighter light bulb in the livingroom.

  It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid 
it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. 
It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard 
and began gushing out of the tip. Then I took the garden hose and watered
the bushes.

  I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could
do it. I called my friend. He said he knew how to do it and would teach
me. He put his arms around me and started. I watched nervously in the 
mirror. He finally finished and pulled back slowly. I felt relieved that
it was over. I hate neckties.

  It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just 
what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers
to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started
eating it. But I decided on catsup for my burger.

  They were two of the biggest balls I had ever seen! They hung so heavy
and low. I tried lifting them gently, but that wasn't enough. They had 
to be pulled, and I pulled on them very very hard. They finally came. 
I moved them to a higher spot on the Christmas tree.

Sleep vs sex

Reasons Why Sleep Is Better Than Sex !!!!!!!

You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.

No one will start rumors about how much you sleep.

You wont complain in the morning about not getting any.

You dont have to pay for sleep.

You don't need to sleep after sleeping.

Sleep can last a good 10  hours.

You can sleep in church.

While sleeping you can have sex with anyone you want.

Your teddy bear never complains.

It's legal to sleep in any position in all 50 states.


Male Sex Survey:  Are you sensitive or selfish?

1. A woman whispers "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. 
She is obviously:
a) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless
   sexual gratification.
b) Short sighted.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.

2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Enclosure.
b) Sex.
c) The "F" word.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
   you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) Five tequila slammers.
d) A cab.

4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss SportsCenter.

5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.

7. Your girlfriend says she's gained 25 pounds in the last 2 months.
   You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No problem - she can join your gym.
c) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
d) A conservative estimate.

8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.

9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant.
   Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the 
   happiest day of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for 
   a sheep as for a lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.

10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male-dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

12. Masturbation is:
a) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
b) Sex with someone you love.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.

13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When the Earth moves.
b) When she turns the color of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When she drops her nail file.
d) Who cares?

14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.

15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal
    role-playing sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Carol...."

16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300.
    Do you expect:
a) A thank-you letter.
b) Intercourse
c) A blow job.
d) All of the above.

17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) Terrible Thomas.
c) Massive.
d) On Father's Day.

18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetizer is to entree.
c) Commercial is to program.
d) A line is at an amusement park ride.

19. The slogan that sums up your sexual slogan is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.

20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk of love.
c) Talk dirty.
d) Talk on the phone.

21. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Jealous.
c) Implicated.
d) Indicted.

22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
b) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Asking for it.
d) A tricky defense in court.

23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
    saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: You."
c) "I'm not in right now.  Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."

24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.

25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand
    and a carving knife in the other.
    Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.

26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
b) Is uptight.
c) Was likely scared by a large hairy animal as a child.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

We're working on that smell thing, too.

Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

As seen on "COPS".

If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets.

Not just for nooners anymore.

We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

You rented the room, now buy the video.

Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money
left over for a hooker.

We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on
*your* salary, pal!

We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*.

It's Hookerriffic!

Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother

We put the "Ho" in "Motel"

Summer Camps you should not send your kids to: 

Tommy Lee's----Camp Kickachickee 

Lorena Bobbit's---Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's---Camp Whackaneenee

Kenneth Starr's----Camp Catchacrookee 

Louis Farakahn's---Camp Killawhitey

O.J. Simpson's ----Camp Killachickee 

Michael Jackson's-Camp Grabbakiddie 

President Clinton's-Camp Getahoochie

Ellen Degeneras's--- Camp Lickacoochie 

Monica Lewinsky's ---- Camp Suckaweewee 
Pamela Lee's ----- Camp Lottatatas

  A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to 
a very attractive woman.  He gives her a quick glance, then casually 
looks at his watch for a moment.
  The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
  "No", he replies, "I recently bought this state-of-the-art watch
and I was just testing it."
  The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?  What's so
special about it?"
  "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
  "What's it telling you now?"
  "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
  The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because 
I AM wearing panties!"
  The man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Hmmmmm, damn 
thing must be an hour fast!"

  One sunny afternoon, a fox hunter came upon a nude girl tied to a
tree. He asked her what happened, and she explained how a couple of
men had tied her up and enjoyed her services without paying a ground
  He asked "Why didn't you scream for help?"
  "I did," she replied, "but there's no-one within a six mile radius 
to hear me"
  "Six miles??" the hunter asked, "You sure of that?"
  "Yes, VERY sure" she replied.
  The fox-hunter said calmly, "Well, Here we go again!"

  Dean walked in the door after work, and announced his arrival.
  "I'm upstairs taking a douche!" his wife called out.
  "Damnit, I told you never to talk like that" Dean yelled back.
  "What do you want," his wife replied, "good grammar or good taste?"


  A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother 
wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her 
daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting 
 intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and 
 never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for 
 mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what 
 dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?

  The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little
negligee she wore on their wedding night.
  She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
  He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do,  you wore that 
same negligee the night we were married."
  "That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to 
me that night?"
  He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
  "Well, what was it?"
  He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, 
I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your 
brains out!"
  She giggles and says, "Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you 
said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore 
that night.  What do you have to say tonight?"
  Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says,
"Mission Accomplished."

Sex is like math
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs, 
and Multiply !!!!


  The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated 
for her class:

  Mary had a little lamb,
  whose fleece was white as snow
  And everywhere that Mary went,
  the lamb was sure to go.

  She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be 
changed to prose by changing the last line from 'the lamb was 
sure to go' to 'the lamb went with her.'
  A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose.   
Johnny raised his hand and recited,

  Mary had a little pig,
  an ornery little runt
  He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes,
  and smelled her little--'

  He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
'Prose!' the teacher said weakly.
  So Johnny said, 'Asshole.'

  My husband got together with a friend of his last night, and when 
he got home, reported that John had told him he'd gotten a sweater 
for Christmas. John said it was all right, but what he'd really hoped 
for was a moaner or a screamer.

  "Doc, you've gotta help me!  My wife just isn't interested in sex
anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
  "Look, I can't prescribe..."
  "Doc, we've been friends for years.  Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate!  I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going 
utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
  The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this.  These are experimental; the tests
so far indicate that they're VERY powerful.  Don't give her more than
ONE, understand? Just ONE."
  "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."
  "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
  The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has
dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and
drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates,
then drops in a second pill.
  And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
  Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee.
  His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and
coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders
a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. 
In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before,
she says, "I...need... a man..."
  His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

  There are nine beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere 
where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman

  One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred.

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a menage a trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to properly introduce them
to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another look at
the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo on their wristband "Faxi-Mon"
and are still waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by
setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex with the ravishing
tempremental redhed is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after
the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that
at least the English are not getting any.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide as they 
listen to the American woman bitching about how sex is always 
unsatisfying, on the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything
that they can do only better, about the necessity of fulfillment, the
equal division of household chores, how all men except her father are
pigs, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how her
last boyfriend, even though he was a pig, respected her opinion and
treated her much nicer, at least before he committed suicide.
  But, on the American island, at least the taxes are low and it is
not raining.

  A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. 
The salesman asked if his father was at home. 
  Johnny said "yes". 
  The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" 
  Johnny snickered, and said, "No, he is in the shower."
  Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
  Johnny said, "yes." 
  The salesman said, "Well can I see her?" 
  Johnny  snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too." 
  The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" 
  Johnny laughed this time and said "No." 
  The salesman asked why.
  "Well", Johnny said, "When my dad asked me for the vaseline 
I gave him some super glue."

  A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her
husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and
asks what to do about it. 
  The therapist tells her that she has anexperimental drug that might 
do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that 
night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. 
  The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that 
the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks
her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and 
the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. 
  The next day, the same thing happens: the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what
would happen if she gave him five pills. 
  The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. 
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist
that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave
him the rest of the bottle.
  The therapist says shedoesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she
doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman
leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills 
in the husband's morning coffee. 
  A week later, a young boy walks into the therapist's office and says,
"Are you the dumb shit who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
  "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" 
  "Well, mom's dead, our neighbor's wife is pregnant, the dog has run
away, and dad's sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...

  The pretty secretary wasn't saying much on the phone, just sitting 
there listening and smiling sweetly.  Finally, she hung up the phone 
and said to the girl at the next desk, "That was my boyfriend.  
His boss must have walked in.  He said he wanted to thank me for 
giving his firm a shot at my prime location."

  The Office of Permits in the Maryland State Highway Administration 
got their first woman boss.  An after hours party was held in her 
honor and everyone had had quite a bit to drink.
  "Barbara," said one of her employees, "boss or no boss, I don't care. 
I still wantta get into your pants."
  "Lennie," she slurred back, "if you do, and I ever hear about it,  
you're fired!"

  The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went 
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather 
  "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
  "I wanna get weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to 
the weight guesser.
  "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. 
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some 
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
  "I wanna get weighed," she said.
  "I really latched onto a square one tonight", thought the young man, 
and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
  The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, 
"What's wrong,dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
  "It was Wousy," said the girl.


The Sex Life of an Electron
  One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to 
get a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp
and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the
Wheatstone Bridge, around the sine wave, and into a magnetic field 
next to a flowing current.
  Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curve, soon
had her field fully excited and he couldn't resistor. He laid her on 
the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, 
and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and
began to short circuit her shunt.
  Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, "Mho, Mho. Give me Mho!"
  "Ohmigod, this is good," shouted Micro. With his tube at maximum
 output and her coil vibrating from current flow, her shunt soon 
reached maximum heat.
  The excess heat had gotten her shunt pretty hot and Micro's 
capacitance was rapidly discharging, ... draining off every electron. 
They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until 
Micro's bar magnet had lost all of it's field strength.
  Afterward, Millie tried self-inductance and damaged her solenoid. 
But it didn't phasor. With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad 
was unable to excite his transformer. So they ended up by reversing 
polarity, and blowing each other's fuses.

  "You might show me a little more respect." complained the coed 
as they were driving back from 'Lover's Lookout'.
  "Yeah?" said the smirking boy, "Like by doing what?"
  "Well, for starters clown, not flying my panty hose from your 
radio aerial."

  After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, 
a Young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage 
was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some
time and felt that this was their last straw.
  When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped
right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the
  Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything 
to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, 
describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
  After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over
to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and 
sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
  The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who seemed 
careless. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that 
at least twice a week!"
  The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here 
on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

  Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display
an ugly side.  An unescorted female sat down beside him, and he 
whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
  As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like
you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
  She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think 
I charge by the inch?"

  The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents 
did for a living.  One little girl said her father was a doctor, 
another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's 
turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
  Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's 
office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
  So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said 
in class?"
  Johnny said, "Yes"
  "Well, what did the principal say?"
  "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an 
apple and asked for my phone number."

  A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still 
determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their 
presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to
point to the presents on display, which included a coffee perculator
  "And finally" she said "I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving 
us such a beautiful perky copulator"

  One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up
a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one
raises their hand.
  The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
  Sally holds up her hand and asks, "is it a giraffe?"
  "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next, she holds up a picture
of a zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands.
  "See the stripes on this animal?  What animal has stripes?"  
  Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."
  "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture
of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
  "See the big antlers on this animal.  What animal has horns like 
  Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's Something
your mother calls your father."
  Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"

  A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they
advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off 
to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. 
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, 
the Wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that 
she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
  The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours
to meet some very important people.
  So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on 
the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down 
very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even 
  She moved forward and whispered in his ear, "Take off my dress. 
Now take off my bra. Next remove my shoes and stockings. Now 
remove my garter belt and panties.
  She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted,
"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".

  Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is 
reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday today. At lunch, 
Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.
  Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has 
everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes 
that he has never bought his wife any lingerie in her life.
  He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel 
good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap
up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift 
and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen 
he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in 
the kitchen.
  His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is 
opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She 
also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She
thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin
and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the 
negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.
  She calls out, "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."
  Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 
"Darn it, all that money and they didn't even iron it!"

  A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam,
I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your
  "Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
  "Do you use it for anything else?"
  "Like what?"
  "Ahem.. err...well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
  "Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the 
kids out."

  Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous
woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys
her a drink and then another and then another.
  After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to 
his place for a "good time."
  "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn
into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
  "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

  An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard
sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.  As the bartender set it down,
 he asked, "Going to a party ?"
  "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my 
love life." 
  "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.
  "That's right.  My last four scores were seven years ago."

  A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called
as a witness.
  The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or 
other drugs from the defendant?"
  "No sir." answered the man.
  "Did you ever get any from his wife?"
  "No sir."
  "Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
  "Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking 
about drugs here, right?"

  A woman goes to a club in LA and meets a man.  They hit it off and 
dance, drink, and pretty soon they are amicably back in his hotel room.
  The next morning he says, "Next time you're in Chicago, look me up, 
my name's Mike Charles and I run the largest poultry packing house in 
the country".
  A few months later, the woman is in Chicago and calls the poultry 
company.  She asks for the boss, Mr. Charles, but the receptionist 
says that the boss isn't Mr. Charles.
  Then she says, "But we do have a Mike Charles, he's a pheasant plucker."
  The woman replies "That's the one!  He was a pleasant fucker and quite 
a good dancer as well!"

  The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent
businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office. His
voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action
but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she
started working for him, a month ago.
  "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a 
$20 raise.  At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private   
office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary.'
  "At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. 
Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again,  
presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I
could consider making love to him and what it would cost."
  "I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, 
he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other boys
in the office ten.  That's when he jumped out the window."

  One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could 
buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
  Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house,
and you want me to buy you a bicycle? No way, wait until Christmas."
  Finally, Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.
  The father said, "Look, the mortgage is still  extremely high. Sorry
kiddo, but we just can't afford it.  Ask me again next year."
  So, 2 days later, the father saw the boy walking out of the house 
with all his belongings  in a suitcase. The father asked him why he 
was leaving.
  The boy replied, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard
you say that you were pulling out, and Mommy screamed that you should
wait because she was coming too!  I'll be damned if I'M gettin' stuck
with an $80,000 mortgage!"

  A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend," his buddy said.
  "Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
  "I asked her if she could learn to love me," he replied, "and she
asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

  A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick.
So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning
to screw him to death on their wedding night.
  The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference.  On the first night of her 
honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of 
the bathroom to come to bed.
  When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to 
cover a 12 inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and
  Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
  The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't
stand, the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

  A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. 
She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband 
died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, 
she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed
to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled 
his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
  In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally
  Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked..."Do you think
he means her first, second or third husband?"
  The other mourner then replied..."I think he means her legs."

  A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a 
  He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."
  Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.
  The guy says, "How old are you?"
  Johnny says, "Six." 
  The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
  Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
  The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
  Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

You can GET chocolate.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind

Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without 
being called nasty names.

The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk 
during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your 
face slapped.

You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

You can have chocolate at anytime of the month.

Good chocolate is easy to find.

You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

With chocolate size doesn't matter.

  Jack and Terry were talking one day in the company lunch room. 
Jack confessed that he had recently been having trouble with women. 
  He asked Terry, who always seemed to have a date, what was his 
secret to finding women willing to go to bed.  Terry said the secret 
was poetry. Jack said that poetry was for homosexuals. 
  Terry disagreed and stressed how poetry had made him very successful
with women. 
  Jack: "OK, I'll give it try.  What should I say?" 
  Terry: "You need to say something about their hair, then compare their
eyes to some animal, then explain to them the way you want to make love 
to them."
  Jack: "Give me an example." 
  Terry: "Curly blond hair and eyes like a dove, I want to take you 
home and make sweet love" 
  Jack: "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try." 
  The next day, as Terry walks into the company lunch room, he sees 
Jack.  Jack's head is swollen and covered with bruises. 
  Terry: "What happened to you?" 
  Jack: "I tried your stupid poetry, that's what happened!" 
  Terry: "What did you say?" 
  Jack:  "Took your advice, I said something about her hair, then 
compared her eyes to an animal, then explained to her the way I 
wanted to make love to her."
  Terry: "And it didn't work?" 
  Jack: "Hell, no it didn't work...look at me. She beat the shit 
outta me." 
  Terry: "Let's hear your poem." 
  Jack: "Frizzy haired bitch with eyes like a frog, I wanna bend you 
over and take you like a dog. 

  A farmer was sitting on the bottom step of his porch eating a sandwich
when a hen zoomed by with a rooster in hot pursuit. Suddenly, the rooster
slammed on the brakes, slid to a halt and began pecking at the crumbs 
from the sandwich.
  "Darn," muttered the farmer, "hope I never get that hungry!"


  In light of the recent presidential scandal, I've come up with an
idea for a new brand of cigar featuring an irregularly shaped end: 
 The "El Presidente" - Ribbed for her pleasure.  

  A ninety-year old man says to his doctor, "I just can't seem to get 
anywhere with my teenage wife."
  The doctor gives him some pills and says, "Here, take a few of these.
You'll be like a kid again..."
  On the way home, the old man swallows down the whole bottle full. 
He gets home and fucks the hell out of his wife.
  The next morning at ten-thirty, he's still asleep, so she shakes
him and yells, "Come on, get up, get up..."
  The old man says, "All right, all right, I'll get up. But I ain't
going to school." 

  Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
  One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her,
"The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. 
You show him where it is."
  The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man
arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
  She says, "This is the one, right here."
  The man says, "How do you know?"
  Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
  The man says, "What's the nail for?"
  Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on." 

  Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country 
road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going 
to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
  "No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
  "The 'here after' routine-----what's that?", she wanted to know.
  "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after
I'm gone."

  On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, "Since we're 
married now, we can arrange our sex life like this:  In the evening if 
my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all.  If my hair is 
somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex.  Last...if my 
hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."  
  The groom replied, "OK, honeycup.  Just make sure that when I come 
home, I usually have a drink...If I have only one drink, that means I 
don't want sex. 
   If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex.  But if 
I drink more than two...your hair won't matter!"

  A guy walks into a bar and immediately spots an irresistibly beautiful
woman. After belting down several courage boosters, he approaches her.
After 45 mins. of conversation, he fires the inevitable question, "Your
place or mine?"
  She answers, "Mine would be more convenient but, I must warn you, 
I'm on my menstrual cycle."
  Ushering her out the door he replies, "That's OK, I'll follow you 
on my moped!

  A little boy was sitting in bed when he heard his mom say, 
"You bastard!"
  So the little boy goes in and asks his mom what's a bastard.
  The mom says that it means a nice man.
  So he goes back to bed and here's his dad yelling, "You bitch!"
  So the boy being curious on what his dad is saying goes and asks 
what's a bitch. He tells the boy that it means a neat lady. 
  The next mourning he woke up to his parents fighting. He heard his
dad yell at his mom calling her a "Fat ass." Wanting to know what ass 
means he goes and asks. The parents not knowing what to say see a coat
draped on a chair and tell the boy that it means a coat.
  The boy then goes to see his dad shaving. He cuts himself and yells,
"Shit!" And the little boy wanted to know what it meant and his dad
said it meant shaving cream. 
  The kid goes downstairs and sees his mom stuffing the turkey. 
It slipped and fell on the floor and the mom got mad and mumbled,
  The boy wanted to know and see said it was stuffing. Then the door 
rings and the boy goes and answers the door saying, "Hello bitches and 
bastards, may I grab your asses." 
  Of course the people say no and ask where his parents are.
  He answers saying, "My dads upstairs with shit on his face and my
moms fucking the turkey!"


  A young boy walks into a drugstore, approaches the counter, and asks
the cashier, "Mister, can I have a nickel for this dime for my game?"
  The cashier says, "Son, that's not a fair game.  You'll get the short
end of that stick."
  The boy says, "That's OK, mister, it's part of the game."
  He grabs the nickel and runs out the door.  He returns half an 
hour later.
  "Mister, can I have a nickel for this dime for my game?" he again asks.
  "Sure, son," the cashier says. They again swap coins, and the youngster
again runs out the door.
  This routine continues for the better part of an afternoon.  Finally, 
the cashier can stand it no longer, and decides to follow the boy next 
time to see what he's up to.
  Sure enough, the boy comes in again with his usual request. The cashier
sneaks out the door and watches the boy run behind the building.  He 
follows the kid around back, where he sees a goat tied to the fence. 
The boy approches the goat, and the cashier's jaw drops as he witnesses
the following sequence of events:
1) The boy punches the goat in the nose with all his might.
2) While the goat is braying, the boy runs around behind it, stands on an
 old milk crate, drops his trousers, and proceeds to screw the hell out of
 the goat.
3) After he finishes, the boy throws the nickel over the fence and screams,
  The cashier yells, "Boy, what the hell do you think you're doing?!?"
  The kid says, "I'm playing cowboy, like my mom says my dad does!"
  The cashier asks, "'Playing cowboy?'  How can what you're doing possibly
be considered 'playing cowboy?!'"
  The kid says, "Easy, mister.  I just got paid from my paper route, 
so I'm wastin half my money on nothin, I'm fightin, I'm fuckin, 
and I'm throwin the rest away!"

  The Dublin Mother was discussing her daughter's beau with her,
"I really don't understand what you see in him, my dear.  
  As far as I can fathom, he's just an everyday sort of a man."
  "Aye.  And I ask ya this..." responded the lass, "What more could 
a girl wish for?"

  Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled
him out.
  "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, 
$50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
  "An orgy," Johnny answered.

  Having traveled south of the border for shopping, I have seen many
people return to the United States with us.  I've seen a few strange 
sights but one is rather remarkable.  It happened a few months ago
on our last shopping trip.  As we stood in line we saw the Taco Bell
Chihuahua.  Here's what happened:
  "The attractive man I have been seeing for the past month insists 
he just wants to be friends." the girl told her coworker.
  "Now I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do 
with a 'friend'?"
  The wise lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, 
dear, only not quite so often."

  Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked 
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
  "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house 
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
  "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, 
and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
  The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled
in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on 
their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
  About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski
  He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."
  "Yes, I do."
  "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and have sex with her?"
  "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to
admit that I did."
  "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
  Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
  "No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!

  One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an 
ugly woman?"
  The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."

  There was a cat and a rooster walking along the road.  The rooster was 
very upset and nothing his friend could say would cheer him up.
  "I know," said the cat, "if you jump over that wall, I promise there 
will be a mountain of grain that you can eat until your heart's content!"
  The rooster was a little dubious, but thought 'what the hell, it's 
worth a try!'
  And so he jumped over the wall and to his delight the cat was right,
and he ate all the corn that he could.  He was now very happy, as he 
walked along the road with his friend.
  He wanted to thank her and so said, "I know, if you jump over the 
wall, there will be hundreds of mice running around for you to catch!"
  Again the cat wasn't sure, but thought it was worth a try and so 
jumped over the wall, only to land in a puddle of water.
  The moral of the story:  Wherever there is a satisfied cock, there 
will be a wet pussy!

  (most effective if the characters speak with an Irish accent)
  The winner of Ireland's dirty limerick contest five years running,
Phillip McKrevice, was upset because he didn't win this year.  Phil 
went before the panel of judges and said,
  "I'll be havin' the name of the winner this year, judges."
  The judges complied.  Then McKrevice said, "I'll be havin the 
address of the winner now, judges"
  The judges complied and Phillip McKrevice left in search of this 
year's winner.
  The address brought him to the door of a convent, upon which he
knocked loudly.  The door was answered by Mother Superior.
  "May I help you, sir?" inquired Mother Superior.
  "Have you a Rosy O'Grady here?" asked Phil.
  "Yes we do.  She's one of our new novices." said Mother Superior.
  "I'd like to speak with her concerning a personal matter, if you
don't mind, sister." Phil said.
  "Very well," said Mother Superior, "I'll fetch her."
  Mother Superior left and in a few moments a wee lass of perhaps
16 comes to the door and says,
  "May I help you sir?"
  "Are you Rosy O'Grady, winner of this year's dirty limerick contest?"
asked Phillip McKrevice.
  "Why, yes I am!" answered Rosy in a surprised tone.
  "I'll be hearin' that winnin' limerick now, if you please." said Phil.
  "Sir, I couldn't possibly recite that limerick, not here." explained
Rosy O'Grady.
  "I'll be hearin' that limerick now, miss." demanded Phillip.
  "Sir, I'm sorry but I can't be sayin' such things on the steps of 
the convent." pleaded Rosy.
  "Very well," said Phillip McKrevice, "you can substitute the word
'ta' for all the dirty words in your limerick and recite it for me."
  "All right, sir," said Rosy, "I can do that.  Here's my limerick."
   "Ta ta ta ta...ta ta ta ta
    ta ta..ta ta...ta ta
    Ta ta ta ta...ta ta ta ta
    And they fucked in a river of shit"


Did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?"

He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
Two calves that will never become cows...
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
A chest that won't hold linen...
Two tits that won't give milk...
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
A belly button that won't button...
Two balls that won't roll...
An ass that won't pull a plow...
An organ that won't play music...
A cock that won't crow...

.....And what are YOU laughing about?
You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!

  A New Yorker decides to have a party and invites lots of people, 
telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts,
"themed party, come as a human emotion."
   On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens 
the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N 
and V painted on his chest. 
  He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you 
come as?"
  The guy says, "I'm green with envy." The host replies, "Brilliant,
come on in and have a drink."
  A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather 
boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.
  He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you 
come as?"
  And she replies, "I'm tickled pink."
  The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
   A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time 
and the host opens the door to see two Pakistani guys, stark naked,
one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with 
his penis stuck in a pear. 
  The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys, what the hell 
do you think you look like? You could get arrested for standing like 
that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
  The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend 
has come in despair."

Why sex is like a roller coaster

  It goes like this - You get on with your partner. There is anxious 
anticipation as you start.
  You start slowly, climbing your way to the top. There are smiles 
exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding... 
The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions 
on faces become wondrous and excited. Then as it hits the pinnacle, 
things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with 
complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are 
flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming 
going on.
  The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots 
of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark, sometimes 
there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but 
always... always... at the end, there's a big smile on the face, 
hair is all messed up.... and everyone is talking about how great 
it is while some of them say... "I wanna go again"...

  Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is 
heating up. But then all of a sudden the wife stops and says, 
"I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
  The husband says, "WHAT??"
  The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional 
needs as a Woman.
  The husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight, 
and he might as well deal with it.
  So the next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big 
department store. He walks around and has her try on three very 
expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, "We'll take all three 
of them."
  Then he goes over to the Shoes Dept and gets matching shoes worth
$200 each. And then goes to the Jewellery Dept. and gets a set of 
diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband 
has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis 
bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but 
OK if you like it then lets get it."
  The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe 
what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash 
  The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to BUY all 
this stuff."
  The wife's face goes blank.
  "No honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
  Wife's face gets really red, and she is about to explode.
  Just then the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial
needs as a Man!"

  Johnny went on a field trip but the weather was bad so the class 
stayed in the hotel. he was in the same room as the teacher. In the 
middle of the night the teacher felt something. she found out it was
  Johnny said, "Can I sleep with you"
  The teacher said, "No"
  But Johnny said, "My mommy let's me sleep with her"
  So the teacher said, "Ok"
  Johnny asked, "Can I touch your bellybutton?"
  The teacher said, "No."
  Johnny said, "My mommy let me touch hers."
  So the teacher said, "Ok, you can do whatever your mom let's you do"
  After a while the teacher said, "That's not my bellybutton"
  And little Johnny said, "Thats not my finger."

  I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout 
line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed 
her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or 
  "It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm bisacksual."

  This guy is walking along the street, and he sees something falling 
from the sky.  He catches it, and sees it's a glass eye.  Looking up, 
he sees a beautiful woman leaning over the balcony.
  "Is this yours?" he asks, and the lady says it is.
  "I'll just throw it back up then," he says.
  "No," she replies, "It's glass. Why don't you bring it up."
  She tells him her room number, buzzes him in, and up he goes.
When he gets there, she offers him a drink.  One thing leads to 
another and when the deed is done, the man asks - "So, do you do 
this with every guy?"
  "No," she replies. "Only the ones that catch my eye."

  Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank.  After several
days of planning they agree on the best plan.  The next day they get
to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to
their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is
full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately.
They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container
of vanilla pudding inside.
  The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it."
So they eat the pudding.  They drill and pry open up the second
Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding.
They decide to devour it too.
  Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest 
of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened.
  They didn't find any money or jewellery in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they left 
something for us to eat"
  The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an 
unknown group of people."


  A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to 
have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual 
activity on the days that started with "T."

  Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father, Dirty
Ernie senior, met for lunch.
  "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"
  "Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun."
  "A nun?" his father questioned.
  "That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at
night, and none at all unless I beg!"
  Dirty Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back
a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight
and have a nice talk?"
  Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
  "Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother
Superior to set two extra plates."

  A gigolo married an ugly, not too bright woman who happened to have 
loads of money. One day the man went out to repair a hole in the roof 
of the stable.
  "I need a ladder," he said to his wife.
  "Get the ladder, get the ladder," she repeated dutifully as she 
trotted off.
  "I need a hammer and nails," he told her a bit later.
  "Get the hammer, get the nails, get the hammer ..." she repeated 
as she ran back to the toolshed.
  The guy soon got down to work and was hammering away when he hit 
himself squarely on the thumb. "Fuck!" he screamed.
  His wife bobbed away saying, "Get the bag, get the bag...."

  There was a dog called Titzwiggle and he was a cute little dog.  
His owner, a tall statuesque blond, would never allow Titzwiggle 
out of her sight, in fact, she panicked whenever he wasn't in her
immediate presence. She slept with the dog, ate with the dog, and
when she showered, Titzwiggle would wait on the bathroom rug.
  One day, while in the shower, she happened to glance outside the 
curtain and she noticed that her dog wasn't there. Of course, she 
panicked: she immediately jumped out of the shower and went to look
for him. He wasn't in the kitchen, not in the bedroom or living room.
She was now naked, soaking wet, and hysterical.
  Finally, she thought, "maybe he went outside for some reason".
But then she began to think of all the things that could happen to
her poor dog outside, like getting hit by a car, and this made her
even more hysterical.  Opening her front door, she saw a policeman
passing by, and thought that perhaps he could help.
  Running up to him, she said, "Officer, Officer!  Did you see my
  He said, winking, "You better believe it, baby."

The All New Karma Sutra-For the incredibly pissed

Position 1...The Public convenience in A Public House
Persuade partner that no-one will disturb.
Drink an extra 3 pints for that extra performance.
Spend 15 minutes figuring out the condom machine.
Order the novelty rabbit shaped one, then laugh for 25 minutes.
Find an old(but preferably unused) contraceptive in pocket, along with
contents of ash tray
Try to find genital region.
Try to find partner who pissed off to the bar.

Position 2...The Phone Box
Feel brave, stupid and incredibly horny on the way back from the pub.
Chat up a Toothless old bugger with very embarrassing and revealing
clothes, whom, in your intoxicated state, mistook for the person you
fancy most in the world.
Allow them to go near the phone, whilst you get the wind whistling up
your buttocks.
Realize you are sobering up after the half-way stage(5-10 seconds)
Pretend you are Siamese twins to the laughing officer.
Spend the night in jail, and,if male,get a good seeing to from the 
18 stone bald bloke with 'prick magnet' tattooed on both buttocks.

Position 3...A bed (anyones)
Find a bed. Get there first, to try to avoid the showing of embarrassing
body moles/birth marks/bite marks
If it's your bed, remove farmyard animal.
Perform copulation act, without removing the majority of garments.
Realize you were on your own.
Wait for partner, covering up the damp patch
Partner arrives, you are asleep

Position 4...The Back alley.
Find somewhere dark and already smelling of Grimsby
Try to use a distant street light to open protection
Try to use flashlight to find penis.
Request the Wheelbarrow,but have to imitate the dogs next to you.
Get distracted when one dog starts licking buttocks---yours
Elope with the dog.

  Three guys, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.
They all suffer from a severe stutter.
  "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
  "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the
  Up steps the Irishman.
  "Threeee p pints of of of of gui guigui   gui................."
  Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th thth  th   th th th th th...
  "Oh bugger this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve 
someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready 
to order yet.
  "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
  "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
  And then Scotty starts, "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th.......".
  "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of 
you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
  Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
  "Where do you live?"
  "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
  "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, 
she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.
  "E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
  "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.
  "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
  "London" blurts out the Irishman.
  "Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and 
the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her
bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then
climbs into bed.
  Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for 
glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams 
out "...............- D D D D D Derry!!"

  "I know a Girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear,
goes to bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time."
  "Hey, that's great."
  "Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old."

  While traveling at night through a wooded area,Craig's car died and 
after several hours of walking he happened upon a farm. He asked the 
farm's owner if he could spend the night and find a tow truck in the 
morning. The farmer agrees and tells him that the only bedroom available
is his daughter's and he could stay there if he promised not to touch 
her. Craig agrees and the farmer leads him to the bedroom. While in the
bedroom, Craig finds the farmer's daughter already asleep and thinks 
she's incredibly beautiful but remembers his promise to the farmer.
  Later, he decides that one kiss couldn't hurt, so he leans over, 
kisses her, and gets a mouth full of white rice. "Yuck,"he thinks to 
himself, "I hate white rice."
  The next morning, Craig tries to get a tow truck, but because of the
location, no one wants to assist him so he has to stay at the farmer's 
house a few more days. That night,Craig sees the farmer's daughter 
leans over kisses her and gets a mouth full white rice.
  "Yuck," he thinks to himself, "I hate white rice!"
  This continues for two more days. On the fifth day, Craig finally 
finds a tow truck company to haul his car and as he's leaving he turns 
to the farmer and says, "I know I promised not to touch your daughter, 
but I found her so incredibly beautiful I had to kiss her. Could you 
please tell me why it is that everytime I kiss your daughter I get a 
mouth full of white rice?"
  The farmer says, "That's easy. My daughter's been dead for six days."

  This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night 
the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says, 
"Hi, I'm Freddy.  I'm here to pick up Betty.  We're gonna go eat 
spaghetti.  Is she ready?"
  The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
  A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers.  A kid
standing there says "Hi, I'm Jim.  I'm here to see Kim.  We're gonna 
go for a swim. Can I come in?"
  The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off.
  Few minutes later the doorbell rings and agian the father answers.
  A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe.  I'm here to pick up Flo. 
We're gonna go to the show.  Can she go?"
  The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart.
  Sure enough, af few minutes later the door rings and the father
  A kid standing there says, "Hi, I'm Chuck.." and the father just
slams the door on him.

  A ten year old kid walks into a bar and requests a Vodka martini 
from the waitress.
  "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?"
  "Maybe later, but right now I'd really like that drink."

  A woman got a job in a hardware store. During her first morning, 
a rough looking man entered and asked for a file.
  "What sort?" she asked.
  "I'd like a bastard file" he replied.
  The woman was outraged. "How dare you swear at me!" The manager was
summoned, listened to them both and then took the woman aside.
  "Its a particular type of file, a bastard file. So called because 
it is half round on one side and flat on the other. It is a graded 
file and can be used for many purposes."
  The woman, though extremely embarassed, apologised and sold the file.
  In the afteroon another man came into the store and asked for a file. 
Eager to show off her knowledge the woman responded "One of these 
  "No - one of those fuckers over there."

  There were two brothers, who were identical twins. Danny was 
married but Roy was single and owned a small dilapidated boat. 
It just so happen that on the same day that Danny's wife died, 
Roy's boat sank.  
  A kind old lady met Roy on the street and mistaking him for 
his brother Danny said; "Oh Mr.. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of 
your great loss.  You must feel terrible."  
  Roy said, "Well I'm not a bit sorry, she was rotten from the 
start.  Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish the 
first time I got her, she made water faster than anything I 
ever saw. She had a big hole in the front and a big crack in 
the back.  The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her, 
and one leaked all over the place.  What finished her off 
though was four guys from the other side of town that came 
looking for a good time.  They asked if they could use her and
I rented her to them, but warned them she wasn't too hot.  But
they insisted they wanted to give her a try. The result was the
crazy fools all tried to get into her at once.  The strain was
too much for her and she cracked right down the middle."

  After the handsome tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail
lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said in a very soft voice,
"Miss, would you give me a piece of ass?"
  "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the
girl. But she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here
right now, so let's go!"
  When the pair returned an hour later, the man returned to the table
where his drink was still waiting.  The waitress gave him a wink and
asked, "And will there be anything else? "
  "Yes, ma'am" replied the tourist.  "In Virginia we take our bourbon
and water cold... Now I'll really need a piece of ass for my drink..."

  A man checks into a hotel with a young lady of questionable maturity, 
and they go up to a room.  A few minutes later, concerned about the 
reputation of the hotel, the house detective rushes up to the room and 
breaks in.  He finds the young lady in a sheer negligee.  She lies 
seductively on the bed, looking as tempting as Eve in Eden.  The man, 
however, sits fully clothed on the couch and reads a magazine.
  The house detective says, "Is she eighteen?"
  Licking his chops, the man looks at his watch and slowly says, 
"In seven and a half minutes!"

  Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to 
tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
  "But Dad, I wasn't fighting with the other boys, and besides, 
it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We 
all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the 
crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats when 
she hit me!" said Johnny.
  "Johnny", his father said, "You don't do those kind of things 
to women!"
  Johnny said "Sorry, Dad," and that was the end of the talk. 
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other
eye black and blue.
  Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
  "But Dad" Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in 
church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in
front of us had her dress again in the crack of her butt. Then 
Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and 
pulled it out. Now I knew she wouldn't like that, so I pushed 
it back in, and that's when she hit me!"

  A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
  "Show the lady your finest mink!"  the fellow exclaims.
  So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an 
absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
  As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and 
discreetly whispers, "Sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
  "No problem!  I'll write you a check!"
  "Very good, sir."  says the shop owner.  "Today is Saturday.  
You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has 
  So the man and the woman leave.  On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged.
  "How dare you show your face in here?!  There wasn't a plugged
nickel in your checking account!!"
  "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for
the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

  Three good ol' boys Ned, Zed, and Jed are driving in their '74 chevy
pickup truck through Nebraska one night, when for some reason, the truck
breaks down. Ned takes a look under the hood and says to Zed and Jed, 
"I don't reckon we kin fix this on our own. It looks like we has to take
it to  a garage."
  Zed then makes the observation that about a mile down the road, there 
is a farmhouse, and the lights are still on. "Mebbe we kin ask da farmer
that lives there for help," says Zed.
  So all three walk up to the farmhouse, and knock on the door. A farmer
answers, and says after hearing about the three boys' predicament, "I'd
like to help you boys, but I'm about ready for bed, and I won't be able
to take a look at it 'till morning. If you boys would like, I'd be more
than happy to put you up for the night.  I only have one other bedroom,
and it is my teenage daughter's. Be warned though, if any of you boys 
go near her, you will suffer dire consequences."
  To these terms, the boys agree on, and soon all three are lying on the
spare bed in the teenage daughter's bedroom, with the voluptuous daughter
over on the other side of the room.  As though trying to sleep with sexy
thoughts about the daughter running through their minds was hard enough,
the daughter, being awfully lonely and horny herself, begins to squirm 
and moan, thinking that this might entice the three boys into coming over
to her side of the room, to make mad passionate love.
  After a few minutes of this, the boys couldn't stand it any longer,
and then Jed says to other two, "I bet if we go over there and give it 
to her real quiet-like, the farmer won't know a damn thing."
  So they go over to the girl, and for most of the night, all three are 
taking turns riding her.  Not only that, but they were really quiet 
about it, so that the farmer wouldn't wake up.  Unfortunately, they 
forget how early in the morning farmers rise, and lo and behold the 
farmer wakes up at the crack of dawn, only to open up his daughter's 
bedroom and see the crack of Ned's ass, as Ned is busily mounting his
daughter.  The boys' faces soon turn white as the farmer reaches for 
his shotgun.
  "I warned you boys, and now you're gonna get it," says the furious
  The farmer herds the boys outside, shotgun in hand, and instructs 
them each to pick up a basket.
  "Now," says the farmer in a semi-sarcastic tone, "I've reconsidered
about what I was planning on doing to you earlier.  I'm therefore, not
gonna hurt you boys.  In fact, from the smile on my daughter's face, I
can tell you boys gave her quite an enjoyable night.  Tell ya what I'm
gonna do. I'm gonna let you boys go out back, and fill those baskets
with the best fruit I've got growing in my garden, for you boys to take
home with you.  As for your truck, I reckon it should be fixed when you
boys get back."
  Ned, Zed and Jed think this is really strange of the farmer to act 
this way, but then they don't think much more about it, and happily go 
out to pick the fruit of their choice.  An hour passes, and Ned returns
from out back with a basket of ripe blueberries, the finest he's seen 
in a long while.  The farmer is there waiting for him, shotgun in hand.
  "These berries look absolutely delicious.  By da way, did ya fix da 
truck?" says Ned, walking into the farmer's garage.
  "Yep. Now, drop your drawers, and start shoving them berries up your
asshole!" says the farmer.
  "What?" says Ned.  "You heard me, com'on, do it now!" was the 
immediate reply from the farmer, poking the shotgun at Ned.
  So there is Ned, in the garage, picking up blueberries one by one 
from his basket, shoving them up past his sphincter. About ten
minutes go by, and Zed returns.  Zed goes into the garage, looks at 
the farmer and then at Ned and says, "Ned, what the hell are you doing?"
  "He's doing the same think that you're about to do with them apples 
boy, so drop them pants and start packing them in!"  the farmer says, 
as he's pointing the gun at Zed.
  Zed, fearing for his life, obliges. Then about ten minutes later, 
after both boys almost have their "fill" of the fruit,  Zed gets this 
surprised look on his face, like he's just thought of something
outrageous, and looks over at Ned, who then realizes what Zed is
thinking.  The two boys are soon rolling around on the ground laughing
hysterically, much to the surprise of the farmer, who then says, "What
on earth you boys think is so funny?"
  After controlling his laughter, Ned says, "I'ts, it's Jed, sir. 
He's out there picking watermelons!"    


  Some time ago the British magazine `New Statesman' had a humour 
competition in which readers were asked to come up with a letter 
complaining to the publisher of a sex manual, "relating to serious 
injury sustained, damage inflicted, or frustration experienced, 
after following the instructions contained therein."

Peter Norman won 15 pounds for this:

Dear Sir,
One knows that publishing standards are declining, but I have never been 
so shocked and appalled by the number of misprints in a single publication.
I refer, of course, to your "100 Easy Steps to Martial (sic) Satisfaction".
Some of the advice therein is rendered misleading, dangerous or even 
illegal by such errors.
For instance, on page 212, one is enjoined to `carefully place a condor 
on your penis...' Later, on the same page, we are told to `stroke the 
beast, stimulating the erectile tissue at its tip', a course of action 
that I fancy even trained falconers would eschew. Elsewhere, my partner
actually followed to the letter (pardon my little joke) the instructions
to `fondle your mans bills' (p39) and `give him a long, slow message' 
(p128), both of which proved positively anaphrodisiac. And no one, surely,
outside ancient Carthage has `punic hair' (p56) or uses a `dido' (p337). 
In chapter 1, the recommended `fissionary position' (p6) sounds a little
explosive for beginners...

  Three youths were seated in a restaurant near an elderly lady, whom 
they conspired to shock.
  Said the first in a load voice, "I was born three months before my 
parents were married."
  "My father was always too drunk to get married at all," said the second.
  "I never knew who my father was," said the third.
  The old dear, upon hearing this conversation, turned and said, "Would 
one of you three bastards mind passing me the salt?"

  Stefan and his grandfather are fishing.  Grandpa pulls out a 
beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"  
  Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
  To which the  little boy responds "No."
  "Then you can't have one."
  A while later, the grandpa pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, 
"Can I have one those?"
  Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" 
  To which the little boy responds "No."
  "Then you can't have one."
  Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food 
and each buy a lottery ticket.  Grandpa is unlucky, but the little 
boy says, "I just won $50,000"
  Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
  The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch 
your asshole?"
  "Yes," Says Grandpa."
  "Then go fuck yourself." 

  A man had been jogging down a stretch of  beach for years when one
day he noticed a woman with no arms or legs sunning herself on a beach 
towel in the morning air.  He stopped and talked to her for a few 
minutes and then began to go on his way.
   For many months this man continues to jog down the same route and 
every morning he saw the same woman with no arms or legs, so her 
appearance on the beach was not abnormal to him.
   One day he was jogging down the beach and he saw the same woman
crying. Since he had seen her so many times before, he decided to 
see what was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'What's the matter? 
Why are you crying?'
  The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've never 
been hugged before.' The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, 
gave her a BIIIG hug, and then went on his way down the beach.
   The next morning he jogged by and noticed the same woman crying 
even harder this time.  Since he had seen her so many times before, 
he decided to see what was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'What's 
the matter? What are you crying about this time?'
  The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've never 
been kissed before.' The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, 
gave her a BIG kiss, and then went on his way down the beach. 
  The next morning he jogged by and noticed the same woman just 
bawling hewre eyes out!.  Since he had seen her so many times before,
he decided to see what was wrong. He stooped over and asked 'Geez 
lady, what's the matter this time? Why are you bawling?!?!'
  The woman replied, 'Well, I have no arms, no legs, and I've never
been fucked before.'
  The man looked into her eyes, picked her up, looked into here eyes, 
and then tossed her into the surf!
  He looked out at the ocean and screamed, 'Well you're fucked NOW!!!'

  Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
  First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
  Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" 
  Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can
remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with 
my mother."

  One day little Johnnie came up to his father and asked, "Dad, where 
did I come from?"
  Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts 
of life.  So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in 
the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how 
a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and 
  When Dad was finished, his son said, "Wow, that's really neat. That
sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia."

  One afternoon, little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?" 
  "No," said his mom, "of course not. Only grown women can be mommies."
  Little Johnny thought for a moment, said "Okay, thanks mom", then ran
back outside. His mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can
play that game again!"

  A small girl returning from kindergarten...

Small Girl: "Mother I need to know what is sex?" 

Her mother was taken aback by the question but she does not want to
dissappoint the child. So she explains to the girl about sex for about 
an hour - marriage, making love and how baby is created... After hearing
her mother talk, she starts to cry. 
Mother: "Why are you crying?" 

Small Girl: "Mum I don't know how to summarise all that you have said in
this application which only has two answers for SEX : MALE / FEMALE". 

  "I think we'll have to find another baby sitter," announced the man.
"That Sharon is just too worldly-wise for a teenager."
  "But Timmy said she told him some sort of interesting story about
animals last night," countered his wife.
  "Yes -- and when I pressed Timmy for details, he said it was about
a wolf who was trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a beaver!"

  There's this sailor who is stranded on a deserted island... 
Anyway he thought it was deserted, when he gets captured by a tribe 
of canibals. The canibals are about to kill the sailor but the sailor
protests claiming he is a "great warrior".
  The Chief of the tribe steps in and says..."If you can prove that you
are a great warrior we will not kill you!" 
  The Chief thinks to himself and then says "To prove you are a great 
warrior you must pass 3 tests. If you pass these tests, we will let you 
  The sailor says "Alright, alright I accept the challenge... wha..wha..
what are the 3 tests?"
  The Chief explains, "There are 3 tents, the first tent is a jug of
wine. You must drink this jug of wine in 10 minutes and not get sick".
  "In the second tent.. is a tiger ..with an impacted wisdom tooth. You 
must extract the tooth from the tiger".
  "And in the third tent is my DAUGHTER!!. ..She has already killed 
2 of her husbands that could not satisfy her. ..You must enter her 
tent and satisfy her!"
  The sailor begins the tests and enters the first tent. About 9 minutes 
later he walks out staggering.and swinging the empty jug of wine... but
he doesn't get sick, so he passes the first test. He then enters the 
second tent and there are horrible sounds from the tiger who is 
screaching, screaming, and growling... After about 20 minutes the sailor
comes out of the tent,.. with scratches, cuts, with torn clothes and 
says.... "O.K., now where's that lady with the toothache!"

  A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing 
for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet 
shop. She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she
figured she'd just walk around until she found just the "right one".
She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens,
past the preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling
gerbils, and past the colorful fish. Nothing really appealed to her 
and seemed to be just what she was looking for. She decided to go 
around the store again.  On the way over to the puppies, she walked 
by a barrel. At the bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking 
toad. When she looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just 
shook herself! She couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back 
to the other pets on display. Once again, she checked out those sweet
little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy 
hamsters, the sleek gerbils, and the darting fish. Nothing really, 
really did it for her, you know?
  She was starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time
around, just in case she missed something. Going by the barrel again,
she took another peek. There was that nasty toad, and this time, he 
puckered up & threw her a kiss!! This was almost too much for the poor
widow and she just about ran over to the other pets.
  She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but
not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or
golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.
Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.
  On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. 
As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching
look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even
sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading
for the exit in a hurry.
  All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just 
as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one 
would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets
  So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take 
the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got
to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded
to drive home.
  As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the
box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad
might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it hurt?)
  She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept
winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought, "oh heck,
what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!  Ands POOF!
He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!
  And do you know what our poor widow turned into? 
  The first motel she came to!!

  A guy is sat in a bar minding his own business.  In walks another 
man with a cat and an ostrich, and they approach the bar. The man 
orders three drinks which they proceed to consume. Then the ostrich 
buys a round, they all drink. Then the man buys another round, then 
the ostrich and so on - the cat *never* buys!
  The first guy sees this and decides to find out what's going on.
  He approaches the man at the bar and says, "How come you're with a 
cat and an ostrich, and you and the ostrich buy rounds and the cat 
  The man answers, "Well, I found a lamp, and rubbed it with my sleeve.
A genie appeared and told me he'd grant any wish!"
  "So what did you ask for?"
  "I said I wanted a bird with long legs and a tight pussy..."

  One night a guy got REALLY polluted!  In the morning, he rolled over 
when he awoke, and sleeping peacefully beside him was the UGLIEST girl 
he'd ever seen.  Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, 
got up, and dressed as fast as he could.  He put a twenty-dollar bill 
on the bureau and started to tip-toe out.
  Just then he felt a tug on his pants leg.  Looking down, he saw a 
girl even UGLIER than the one in the bed.  She looked up at him, smiled
a toothless smile, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"

  Well, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the 
time had come.  So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began 
to deliver the baby.  She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over 
at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba!  You just had you a son!"
  Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and 
said, "Hold on, son!  We ain't finished yet!"
  The doctor then delivered a little girl. 
  He said, "Hey, Bubba!  Hey, you got you a daughter!"
  Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says,"Hold on, 
we still ain't finished!"
  The doctor then delivered another boy.
  He said, "Bubba, you just had another boy! But don' worry, 'cause 
tha's it!"
  So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children. When they 
got home, they sat down and began talking.
  Bubba said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline
and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?"
  She said, "Yeah, I do."
  Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good thing we didn't use no WD-40!"

  An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are 
having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
  Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come
from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.  At MacDougal's, you buy
a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your 
third drink!"
  The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
  Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come 
from, there's a better one.  Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, 
Vinny's.  At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.  You 
buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
  Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
  Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great?  Where I come 
from, there's this place called Warshowski's.  At Warshowski's, they 
buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy 
you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get 
you laid!"
  "Wow!" say the other two.  "That's fantastic!  Did that actually 
happen to you?"
  "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

  Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in
high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to 
each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go 
to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East 
Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to 
be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
  As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be
home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. 
Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
  Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He
didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with
his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him
off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of 
her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old
boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
  Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he
was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of 
the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at 
college, please send more money!  I'm getting pretty desperate!" and 
mailed the picture to her parents.


A tall women with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who can stand a little fu-
ture fun at parties and froli-
cking without getting serious.

 OK, now go back up and read line one, three and five only.
Interested parties, please respond to:

  An old man in his eighties got up and put on his coat.
  His wife asked him, "Where are you going?"
  He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
  She asked, "Why, are you sick?"
  "No" he replied, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
  His wife then got up out of her rocker and put on her sweater and he 
asked, "Where are you going?"
  She said, "I'm going to the doctor too".
  He queried, "Why?"
  She answered, "If you"re going to start using that rusty old thing 
again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"

  After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of 
Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night 
Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit 
in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied
with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
  "He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.
  "Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.
  The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown 
on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.
  "This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more 
seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."
  But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day 
complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood.
  As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to
recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."
  The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. 
"Thank you so much," she said to the therapist.
 "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of 
the lightening storm.  And right there, in our backyard, he made love 
to me like it was our very first time."
  "Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the 
  "Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

  Once there was this city boy who wanted to go country, so he headed 
out to a farm to buy some animals.
  "I'll take one of these," he said to the farmer. "What is it?" 
  "Well, to me it's a cock, but to you it's a rooster," said the farmer.
  "I'll take one of these, too," said the city boy. "What is it?" 
  "Well, to me it's a pullet, but to you it's a chicken," replied 
the farmer.
  "Okay," said the city boy. "And I'll take one of those, too, if you'll 
tell me what it is." 
  "To me it's an ass, but to you it's a mule," explained the farmer, 
"and when that ass gets stubborn, it sits down and you have to scratch 
it's belly to get it moving again."
  So the city boy set off down the road with all his new purchases. 
He was doing fine till a pretty girl drove by, at which point the ass 
sat down and refused to budge. Seeing he as having some trouble, the 
girl backed up and asked if there was anything she could do to help.
  "Actually, yes," said the city boy. "Will you hold my cock and pullet 
while I scratch my ass?" 

  A lady wanted to have bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to 
get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said that he would like 
her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs and see how that works 
first.  He stands up to demonstrate, holding his arms straight out to 
the sides, rotates them counterclockwise, and says, 'Ashes to ashes, 
dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust.'
  The doctor has her try it, telling her to do it as often as she can 
and to come back in another week.
  One week later, she went back to the doctor's office. She told him 
that it didn't work. The doctor asked her how often she did the 
exercise. She said that she did it four to five times a day.
  The doctor told her to do it more, 30 times a day at least. He told 
her to come back again in one more week.
  She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.
  One day, as she waited to check out at the Supermarket, she started 
her exercise. 'Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll 
have a big bust.' 
  The man in front of her turns around and asks her if she sees 
Dr. Johnson?
  'Yes, how did you know?' she queries.
  The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in 
a circular motion and says, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

  Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in 
Las Vegas.  The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they
returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break 
and discussed their vacation.
  The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever 
since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers '7 come 11' 
all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
  The second guy says, "I know what you old lady played 
blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night 
and hollers hit me light or hit me hard and I haven't had a wink of 
sleep either!"
  The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad?  My old lady 
played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each 
morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

  The old men in the nursing home were talking about the exciting times
they had been through. One said his most memorable experience was when 
he was a fireman and the women's college dormitory had caught on fire 
and he had to catch scantily-clad co-eds jumping from windows.
  The second man said he most exciting time was when he was a deputy 
sheriff and had a shoot-out with some of the John Dillinger gang.
  The third man said his most exciting time was when he was an 
undertaker and was called to a hotel to pick up a deceased man. He 
said when he went into the room, he noticed the man on his back with 
a big erection and since he didn't want to take the man through the 
hotel lobby in that condition, he hit him hard on the erection with 
the base of a lamp. 
  Then he paused in his story.
  The first man asked, "What was so exciting about that?" 
  The third man replied, "I was in the wrong room."

   A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of
somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex.
  To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof 
of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any 
tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
  Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and 
managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young 
man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on 
his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
  The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young 
man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into 
the living room to watch a movie.
  During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting 
up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured 
a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in 
the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
  The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into 
the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
  Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys 
load those things!"


She was only the...

...admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.
...astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off.
...athlete's daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.
...barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them.
...blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.
...bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.
...bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked.
...butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin.
...cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together.
...cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.
...chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash.
...clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.
...cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last.
...communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share.'s daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
...draughtsman's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.
...electrician's daughter, but she lit up half the town.
...electrician's daughter, but she had good connections.
...farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilise. censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out.
...fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines.
...fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.
...flag-wavers daughter, But she'd let her standards down for anyone.'s daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.
...fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail.
...gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod. broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.
...jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure.
...lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night.
...milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop.
...moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
...musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.
...optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle
   of herself.
...parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all
...philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away.
...photographer's daughter, but she was really developed.
...pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves.
...plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.
...professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.
...real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away.
...road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.
...statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
...steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron.
...telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit....
...tree feller's daughter, but t'ree fellas were never enough for her.
...undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bu...stiff.
...vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck!
...violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the
   boys fiddled.
...weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front.
...woodcutter's daughter, but you could hear her ringbark for miles.

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