Masturbation Jokes

Masturbation Jokes

How can you tell if you're having a super orgasm?
Your husband wakes up.

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

  Nothing is better than Sex.  Masturbation is better than Nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.

Why is my penis bigger than yours?
Because I'm jerking off right now.

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

What's the difference between purple and pink?
The grip.


Masturbation is cheap, clean, safe and satisfying...
but it's lonely.

If you are right handed and you masturbate with your left for a change,
are you being unfaithful?

You masturbate too much if you can change hands without missing a stroke.

How did Pinnochio discover he was made of wood?
His right hand caught on fire.

What did the horney toad say to the frog.

What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince wakened Snow White 
 from her deep sleep?
Well, I guess it's back to jerking off!"

What's the difference between a penis and a magic lanern?
If you rub your dick 3 times, it's not a genie that's going to come.

Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.

If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame."

What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!


  "A man convicted of masturbating in public has recieved a helping
hand from a judge..."
  Either the judge is far too close to his work,
or the proofreader isn't.

How are masturbation and Euchre similar?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

How is life like a cock?
When it's soft you can't beat it.

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.

If a guy breaks his left hand, how's his sex life?
It's all right.

What's this? (Make a fist and kiss each knuckle.)
Foreplay before masturbation. 

What is the real definition of Miracle Whip?
Successful masturbation by a 90-year-old man.

What do you call a guy who sits in the balcony at a porno flick?
A tier jerker!

What's the difference between masturbation and Basketball?
In Basketball, you dribble before you shoot.

Jack is nimble, Jack is quick,
but Jill prefers the candlestick

What's it called when a Preppie masturbates?
Jacuzzing Off.

Did you hear about the guy that climbed to the top of 
the Empire State building to masturbate?
Police didn't know whether to arrest him for indecent 
exposure or for Hijacking.

Arnold Palmer was walking with his son.
His son asked, "Dad, How do you JACK-OFF"???
Arnold replied, "Son, It's all in the wrist."

Girl in movie theater: The man next to me is masturbating!"
girlfriend: "Ignore him."
Girl: "I can't, he's using my hand!"

What happened when the armless guy attempted masturbation?
He was stumped.

How is a medieval masturbator like an ocean wave?
They're both pounding serfs.

What is the female equivalent to "pocket pool"?
Playing the slots.

Why do preachers masturbate?
Because God helps those who help themselves.

What's another term for jerking off?
A gland slam.

What's a masturbator's favorite holiday?
Palm Sunday.

"Did ya ever get caught beating-off in the closet?"
"Pretty good hiding place, huh?"

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 
Because his wife died.

  Filling out job applications is so depressing.  I was 
filling one out the other day and I got to the part that 
says "Sex."  
  Well, I prefer to 'F,' but I'm usually alone, so I had 
to circle 'M'."

  Our protagonist goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta 
help me!"
  The doctor says, "What's your problem?" 
  The man says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole".. 
give the missus a quick one, then go to work.
  On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife 
who gives me a blow job during the ride to work..
  Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go 
into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young 
office girls...
  At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
  For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing...
  I then go home and slip the maid a few inches...
  Then at night I give the missus another screw...
  "Well," said the doctor. "What's your problem?"
  The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

  A furious pounding in the hotel room late at night awakened a 
number of guests. The hotel manager was called and he let himself 
into the offending room. Inside, he found an elderly man cursing 
and banging away on the wall with both fists.
  "Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole 
  "Damn the hotel!" the elderly man spat. "It's the first erection 
I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep!"

The Ten Commandments of Masturbating

 1. I am the LORD, thy Rod. Thou shalt have no other rods before me.

 2. Thou shalt make self-gratifying mental images.

 3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy rod in vain.

 4. Remember the seven ways to grip it wholly.

 5. Honor thy right hand. Or thy left.

 6. Thou shalt not cum prematurely.

 7. Thou shalt not use thy neighbor's fist.

 8. Thou shalt not peek at the rod of thy urinal neighbor.

 9. Thou shalt not bare false wetness.

10. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's rod nor his manservant nor
    his anus. 

  A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had 
plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except 
play with himself.
  After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't 
even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, he 
started to lose his sanity.
  One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship 
in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed 
on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to 
come his way!
  He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! 
The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're 
going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have 
a nice dinner.
  I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her 
cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to 
take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"
  At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his 
shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I lied about the ship!!


  A Shakespearean actor was being interviewed by the press.
  "Did you ever have a really embarrassing experience?"
  "Well, yes. One experience I will never forget was when my mother
caught me playing with myself."
  "Oh we all did that when we were kids."
  "Yes, but this was last night."

  He was a dysfunctional male patient and the sex therapist 
was advising him on the release that could be obtained through 
  "Oh but I do get pleasure from my organ," he replied. 
"I frequently grasp my penis and hold it tight. It's a habit 
with me."
  "Well, it's a habit you'll have to shake," said the therapist.

  A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat 
conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, 
he took the seat. 
  As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind 
him  yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!" 
  The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. 
A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off 
her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off 
again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things." 
  Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!" 
  After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched 
off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind 
our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
  Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the 
hell up, will ya!" 
  A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and 
snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club 
went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend 
turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"? 
  The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

Facts about Masturbation

  Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behaviour In The Human Male"  98% of males
 (including married men) admitted to masturbating. Average: 3 times per
 week. (and,... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery)
 (Kinsey, et al. 1948)

 Current population - 133,189,539 *MEN* in the United States 
 ( 7PM-EDT 02/04/99)

 1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.

 133,189,539 men in the United States  X  3 wack-offs/week 
            = 399,568,617 wack-offs/week

 6 ten-minute-periods/hour  X  24hours/day  X  7days/week
            = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week

 399,568,617 wack-offs/week  /  1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
            = 396,397 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

 396,397 wack-offs/ten-minute-period  X  98% (Kinsey Factor)
            = 388,469 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

 At any given moment (on average), 388,469 men in the United States are

 So,... be careful who you shake hands with!

  My next door neighbor was at a club the other night with 
her boyfriend, when the topic came around to masturbation.  
We noticed that there were all kinds of terms for men doing 
it, but there weren't any euphemistic phrases for women 
doing the same thing.  We asked my neighbor what she called it.
  Giving a scornful look at her boyfriend, she muttered, 
"Finishing The Job!"

  It was a very cold night, so the three homeless men huddled 
together to keep warm.
  The next morning, the one on the right said, "I had a dream 
that someone was pulling my dick."
  The one on the left said, "I also had a dream that someone 
was pulling my dick!"
  "You guys are weird," said the third. "In my dream, 
I was skiing."

  Ann and Sophie, both in their 50's, are having lunch when Sophie, 
looking very serious says, "Ann, it's mine and Harry's 25th wedding 
anniversary next month, and I would really like to give him something
special. I've never given him a handjob and I know how desperately he
wants one, but Ann, I don't know how to give one...what should I do? 
  Ann takes her friend aside and says, "Go and get yourself a ketchup
bottle. You have a month to practice."
  One month later, on their anniversary, while Sophie and Harry are 
in bed, Sophie tells Harry that she has a special present for him and
when he finds out its a handjob he becomes hard with anticipating.
 Sophie takes his penis and grips it with one hand and says, "Here 
goes...I hope you like it." 
  Sophie then takes her other hand and smacks the end of his penis 
with the palm of her hand three times.

  One night, Pinocchio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. 
Every time we make love I get splinters."
  So Pinocchio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice.
  Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."
  A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinocchio and says, 
"So how are you doing with the girls now?"
  Pinocchio says, "Who needs girls?"


Harold Palms                       For Immediate Release!
Council Of Masturbation Educators   January 27, 1997
PO Box 1183
Campbell, CA 95009

                             GLOBAL JERK '97
                      HAND JOBS ACROSS THE WORLD

 The Council Of Masturbation Educators (COME) proudly proclaims January
31st to be World Wanking Day. On this day, millions of people around the
world will engage in solitary or mutual masturbation, culminating at
midnight Greenwich Mean Time (7 P.M.  EST) in the biggest simultaneous
orgasm in history.

 "Global Jerk '97 -- Hand Jobs Across the World" is an international orgy,
a giant Jack&Jill-Off promoting self-love as an alternative to self-hatred
and shame. This unprecedented release of sexual energy will have profound
healing effects on the planet, possibly even flipping the Earth's magnetic
field. Scientists are preparing to study these effects, which may include
earthquakes and power outages.

 In addition to being covered by the usual news media, this event will be
widely publicized throughout the Internet. We estimate that, by actual
date, roughly half a billion people will have heard of World Wanking Day,
and between ten and twenty million will actually participate. Many
organizations are planning local celebrations and Wank-a-thons to raise
money for safe sex programs.

 We dedicate this event to Dr. Jocelyn Elders, the U.S. Surgeon General 
whose honesty, courage and outspokenness led the jerk-offs of both 
parties in Washington to call for her resignation. Many Global Jerk '97 
participants will be mailing their representatives spooge-filled condoms
imprinted with the message, "I masturbate, and I vote."

 Forget the politicians; take matters into your own hands. Have sex with
someone you love, and with millions of total strangers throughout the 
  It's a hand job, but someone's gotta do it. This is an idea whose time
has cum.

  Two newlyweds were talking on the first night of their honeymoon and 
they decided to set up signals concerning their "urges".
 The wife said "If you want it, squeeze my boob once, if you don't want
it, squeeze my boob twice."  
  The husband replied "OK, if you want it, pull my dong once, if you 
don't want it, pull my dong 100 times."

  The young novice soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent
was a problem. She confessed to mother superior that it was unhealthy
and she was restless.
  "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.
  "I've tried that," she said, "but you get tired of the same thing
wick in and wick out."

  A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed 
by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need
a man, I need a man!"
  Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked
into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into
his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
stroking himself, and moaning, 
  "Ohh, I need a bike!  I need a bike!"

  Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the 
bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When 
he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.
  He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"
  The dad answered, "Playing Cards".
  Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
  The dad answered, "Your mom".
  Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he 
noticed the covers bouncing.
  He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"
  The sister answered, "Playing Cards."
  Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
  She answered, "My boyfriend."
  A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).
As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. 
  He called to his son, "what are you doing?"
  Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."
  The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"
  Little Johnny answered,..."You don't need a partner if you have a
good hand".

  A farmer steps behind the barn one day and finds his son jerking off.
  "Son save it for marriage." he says.
  Five years later on his wedding day the son turns to his father and 
says, "Paw, I've got five gallons, now what?"


Lubes for Masturbation

Cotton or acrylic socks ------------------- GOOD
Wool socks -------------------------------- BAD

Vegetable or food grade mineral oils ------ GOOD
Petroleum distillates --------------------- BAD

His sister's silk underwear --------------- GOOD
His mom's leather push-up bra ------------- BAD

Butter ------------------------------------ GOOD
Shortening -----------(are you nuts?)------ BAD

Glycerine --------------------------------- GOOD
Nitro-Glycerine --------------------------- BAD

Baby Oil ---------------------------------- GOOD
Baby diapers ------------------------------ BAD

Peanut Oil -------------------------------- GOOD
Peanut Butter ----------------------------- BAD

Lamb's Wool ------------------------------- GOOD
Steel Wool -------------------------------- BAD

Aloe Vera --------------------------------- GOOD
Alum -------------------------------------- VERY GOOD

Castor oil -------------------------------- GOOD
Castrol GTX ------------------------------- GOOD
Castro ------------------------------------ VERY BAD

Silk -------------------------------------- GOOD
Slik 50 ----------------------------------- BAD

Hand -------------------------------------- GOOD
Sand -------------------------------------- BAD

Lubriderm --------------------------------- GOOD
Pachyderm --------------------------------- BAD

Coppertone -------------------------------- GOOD
Copper Sulfate ---------------------------- BAD

Powdered Graphite ------------------------- GOOD
Graphite Fibers --------------------------- BAD

Teflon ------------------------------------ GOOD
Epoxy ------------------------------------- BAD

Olive Oil --------------------------------- GOOD
Olive Oyl --------------------------------- VERY BAD


  Pete had passed his 29th birthday and was still not married,
so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married.
  Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating 
in the garden shed.
  "What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once 
you got married."
  "But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it.
Her little arms get tired."

  Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been 
carrying on a love affair.  They were both 96 years old and 
wheelchair bound. Every night they would meet in the TV Room. Edna 
would passively hold Bill's Penis, and they would watch TV for an 
hour or so.  It wasn't much, but it was all they had.
  One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next 
two nights either.  Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him 
happily wheeling about the grounds.
  She confronted him and said, "Where were you the past couple of 
  He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."
  "Bastard,", she cried.  "What were you doing?"
  "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered. 
  "Is she prettier or younger than I am?", she asked.
  "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
  "Well then, what does she have that I don't?", Edna asked.
  Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's disease."

  The cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a
clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
  "What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.
  The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
  "OK. If you are so good, what time is it?"
  The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and
said,"It 2 o'clock."
  The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"
  The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked
  Indian laying on a blanket. "Don't tell me...You're telling time also?"
  The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
  "Okay smartass, what time is it?"
  The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, 
"It 4 o'clock."
  The cowboy is amazed at the Indian.  He keeps walking and hours
later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.
  "Don't tell me you are telling time!!??"
  Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"

  The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems 
of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing 
and sheing to stand up!"
  Half of his congregation stood up. 
  He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and 
heing to stand up!"
  A couple of men stood up. 
  He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing 
and sheing to stand up!"
  Several women stood up. 
  The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that 
everyone was standing except Little Johnny.
  The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at 
Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?
  Little Johnny, stand up...I guess you are the only one here
who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do 
you have to say!"
  Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing 
about meing and meing!"

  Little Johnny is sleeping in bed, when his mother comes along and
says, "Rise and shine Johnny, time to wake up."
  Johnny replies, like any normal kid, "5 more minutes mum."
  Little Johnny's mother decides to give Johnny 5 more minutes, so 
she goes down the stairs and starts cooking breakfast. 
  5 minutes Johnny comes down the stairs and is crying uncontrollably. 
  "What's wrong Johnny?" asks Johnny's mother. 
  "I had a wet dream last night," Johnny replied. His mother is
surprised, but keeps her composure.
 "That's nothing to cry over, is it Johnny?" she says.
 "Of course it bloody is," says Johnny. "Now whenever anyone asks me 
what the first thing I said after my first orgasm is, I'll have to tell
them '5 more minutes mum!'"

  Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good 
and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets 
me, though, is these damn sailors!  Oh sure, they're fine for the 
first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start 
getting pretty hard up.  With all the whacking off going on, it's 
a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over
the ship.  I don't know what to do!"
  The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick
in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then 
you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship.  You tell the crew
that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
  "Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out 
a bag of gold every trip!"
  "Not so," replied the other captain.  "After you get back to port,
take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make
into candles.  You make a tidy profit every time."
  The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's
advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off 
to sea.  Before long, the crew took to the new system and began 
filling barrel after barrel.  When they finally reached port, the 
captain sold the barrels for a huge profit.
  'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able 
to buy a new boat!'
  This went on, voyage after voyage.  Then one day, the ship happened
back to that very first port.  Coming down the gangplank, the captain
was surprised to see the cops waiting for him.  As they slapped the
cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"
  "You sick bastard," replied the cop.  "Remember all those barrels 
you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
  "Sure," said the captain.  "What about 'em?!"
  "Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, 
and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

  A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and 
finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice 
restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the 
way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. 
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to 
reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and 
wants to stay that way.
  "Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
  "EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing
in my mouth!"
  He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done 
that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
  "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to
shake up a Coke bottle and spray your  brother with it?"
  She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she 
grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his 
head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run
out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
  "What's wrong?!" she cries out.

  A man is driving home late one night and is feeling quite aroused.
As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, "You know a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here
for miles."
  He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy
looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins 
to slake his erotic desires.
  Soon, he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car
pulling up.
  The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize
that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
  The man looks at the cop in complete horror and then down at the
pumpkin he is holding between his hands.
  Thinking real fast, he says to the cop, "A pumpkin? Damn! Is it
midnight already?" 

  Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried 
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends 
and relatives.
  His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy 
himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the 
youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players 
and calling out the cards they held.  The other players became so
annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home.  
  At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand,
and led him out of the room.  The uncle soon returned back to the
poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. 
  For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be 
seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. 
  After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What
in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him 
all day!"  
  "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to 

  The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much 
their hands shook.
  The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved
this morning I cut my face!"
  The second old fogey one-upped him, "My hands shake so bad that 
when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
  The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing, my hands 
shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.


   A Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant walks into a whore house and
approaches the madam and says, "Ma'am, my name is Gunnery Sergeant 
Dick and I'm here for a woman!"
  The madam immediately escorts the Sergeant upstairs and selects 
the best call girl they have for him. Gunney Dick immediately 
disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks
at the prostitute awaiting him n the bed.
  He then says, "My name is Gunnery Sergeant Dick, been in the God
lovin' Corps for thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body.
  Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.
  The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that?
  Gunney Dick replies, "Like I said, I've been in the United States 
Marine Corps thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. 
  His penis immediately becomes flaccid.
  The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks
him for another demonstration. Gunney Dick says, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!"
  He sports a raging hard-on once again and the follows this display
of prowess with the command of "DICK, AT EASE." His penis goes limp 
once more.
  The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the
demonstration yet again. Gunney Dick shouts, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!"
  His penis becomes immediately erect on command again.  And then 
gives the following standard command, "DICK, AT EASE."
  Gunney Dick looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still 
  He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me, soldier! DICK, AT EASE!"
  Still, his penis is still fully erect.
  The Gunney is now fuming and says, "I'm going to tell you one more 
time, Mister! DICK, AT EASE!" Still no joy, his penis is still rock
hard. Gunney yells "Shit" and moves to the side of the bed and starts 
to masturbate vigorously.
  The prostitute, puzzled, asks "What the hell is going on?"
  Gunney Dick replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order and 
I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

  This guy goes to Amsterdam to video a presentation. While staying 
in his hotel he finds the porno channel on the telly. After a flash 
of inspiration he sets up the camera in front of the screen and tapes
a whole hour of the hard core proceedings.
  On arriving home he tells his best friend about his trip and lends him
the video tape. The following morning his friend returns the tape and
  "Did you watch this tape?"
  "No, I saw the original"
  "I think you better watch it yourself before you lend it out again"
  The guy did as he was advised. You see he had omitted to take into
account the reflective nature of the television screen...

  A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. 
When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says 
"Try our Oriental Massage".
  So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd
like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this
Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.
  He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets 
a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees
his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says "Ahh, you
want wanky!"
  So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he
lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head
out from behind the door and says "You finished yet?

  Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let her 
11-year-old grandson in from school. "What did you learn today?"
she asked.
  "Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse 
and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly.
  The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her 
  Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is the Nineties. These days 
it's all part of the curriculum."
  A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter
announced dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her grandson's
bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating.
  "Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, 
come on downstairs to eat."

  Do you know what the origin of Yankee Doodle is?
They don't teach this in school, because it's an embarassment...
 It was a song about masturbation. No, seriously.

 Yankee Doodle "went to town"(on himself)
 Riding on a pony (this was euphamism for masturbation.   
Pretend to sit on a horse and hold the horn of the saddle, 
and bob your hand like the horse is moving...)
 Stuck a feather in his hat (sexual pride)
 And called it macaroni(back before elbow macaroni, 'Macaroni' 
was a large, rather phallic noodle like segments of hose)
 Yankee Doodle keep it up (keep it up...think about it)
 Yankee Doodle dandy (just there to rhyme with)
 Mind the music and the step (rhythmic action)
 And with the girls be HANDy.(hand...with the girls...get it?)
  This is actually the origin of the song. Ever wonder WHY it 
was supposed to be so darned insulting when the British played it?
  This is why the teacher couldn't explain it to you...

  Years ago, the medical students at Oxford were set the task 
of discovering why there was a knob on the end of Man's penis. 
They spent 2 years, oodles of money, and wrote three 'seminal' 
papers that concluded the knob was there to give the Woman 
pleasure, and an evolutionary advantage was created by virtue 
that the knob imparted more pleasure to the female partner 
during copulatory pursuits.
  Not to be outdone, the Fellows at Cambridge took three years, 
1.5 oodles of money and wrote a withering rebuttal that proved 
that the knob's primary function was to give the man pleasure. 
(yes,it's true, women do come second in many cases).
  Sadly, the fellows at London Polytechnic, hearing of the 
dispute between the Great Universities, spent 2 minutes, three 
shillings and sixpence, and found that the knob was there to 
stop the hand falling off the end.

  "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I 
make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What 
can I do?" 
  The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said 
in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation 
before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find 
that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." 
  "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help." 
  Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work 
to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front 
door when he arrived home. 
  "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she 
cooed over the phone. 
  Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. 
But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone 
walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey 
home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to 
pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be 
inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. 
  A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, 
closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, 
and began his "therapy".
  A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his 
therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. 
Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy 
he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" 
  "Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me 
what you are doing, please?" said the officer. 
  "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," 
he replied confidently. 
  "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down 
there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago." 

An old farmer goes to the Vet ...

Farmer: I've got a bull that's right off its duties.  
        It's got to service 300 cows and all it wants 
        to do is eat.
Vet: Give it one of these little pills in its feed 
     and stand back.

So 2 weeks later the farmer comes back to the vet...

Farmer: WOW, what a pill!  I gave the pill to the bull like 
        you said and POW!  It jumped the gate, ran down the 
        lane and fucked 70 cows in 30 minutes.
Vet: So, what's the problem - why have you come back?
Farmer: Well, I was wondering, I am meeting this 18 year 
        old tonight - could you give me one of those 
        tablets?  I'm not as young as I was.
Vet: Oh, no!  Sorry, it's too strong but I will give you 
     half a pill.

  So the farmer takes the pill and goes off to prepare for 
his date. Several days later, the farmer goes back to the Vet.

Farmer: Hello, Vet.  Wonderful.  40 Times.
Vet: So, why have you come back?
Farmer: Ah! I need something for my wrist, she never turned up!

  A newly married couple returned to their house after 
being on honeymoon.
  "Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked.
  "Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know 
what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin.  In 
the future, we'll have to ask each other in code.  For 
example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing 
machine door open' instead?
  So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose 
you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
  "No, I definitely shut it" replied the wife who rolled over 
and fell asleep.  
  When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous 
herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did 
leave the washing machine door open after all.  Would you 
like to do some washing?"  
  No thanks" said the husband. "It was only a small load so 
I did it by hand."


  A wino said to his buddy, "I'll never forget the first time 
I turned to drink as a subsitiute for women."
"What happened?"
"I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle."

  I don't see God that often.  I do have a friend on the other 
side of the fence, though.  And the other night I had this very 
strange dream.  I dreamed I was in the Devil's den.  And there 
on the wall were all these clocks.  I looked, and every clock 
had a name on it (names censored).
  I asked, "Hey, what's the story on all these clocks?"
  He replied, "Everytime someone on Earth masturbates, their 
clock advances a minute."
  I looked at him, and asked, "Where's my old buddy (name 
censored)'s clock?"
  "It's not out here. We keep it in the back room, and use it 
as a fan."

  A guy wakes up in the morning and notices that he has an 
orange dick. Disturbed at this, he immediately drives to 
the doctor.  The doctor takes a look at his dick and asks 
him "What were you doing last night?"
  The man replies "Well, I was up real late, eating cheese 
puffs and watching pornos"

  The teacher had given the class an assignment.  He stresses 
the importance of this particular assignment, and that no 
excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical 
certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a 
note from that member).  
  A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual 
exhaustion, sir?"
  The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the
teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to 
write with your other hand."

  The pope decides to go on tour so that he can speak to people 
all over the world.  He wakes up one morning in his hotel room 
with a huge boner.  He carefully looks around the whole room to 
make sure that nobody is there.  After making sure that the room 
is clear, he begins to jerk off, but after a while a reporter 
bursts into his room and snaps his picture.
  The pope says, "Please sir, you can't publish this picture,
I'll be ruined!  I'll tell you what, I'll give you two thousand
dollars for your camera with that film in it."
  "OK," the reporter says.
  Later that day, while touring the city and taking pictures 
with his new camera, the pope starts talking to a local priest.
The priest compliments him on his new camera and asks what he 
paid for it.
  "Two thousand dollars," the pope replies.  
"Two thousand dollars!", gasps the priest, "Man, they must have 
seen you coming!"

  A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first 
available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and 
she is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the 
hospital where she gets fixed up.
  As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.
  The doctor says "You're going to have triplets. They're fine, 
but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry 
though, the bullets will pass through their system through 
normal metabolism."
   As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and 
a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her 
mother and says, "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"
  Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replied,
"I passed a bullet into the toilet."
  The woman comforts her and explains all about the incident at 
the bank.
  A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with 
tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad 
  The mother said, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the 
toilet, right?"
  The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes. How 
did you know?"
  The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident 
at the bank.
  A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a 
very bad thing!" "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
  "No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog"

  For many people, their worst fear is being alone.  But being alone
doesn't necessarily mean being lonely. Remember, loneliness is the 
emptiness of being alone.  But solitude is the fulfillment of being 
alone.  If you want to enjoy loneliness and solitude at the same 
time, try masturbating.

  A family from New York decided to move to Australia in 
order to get their children away from all the corruption 
and indecency in the States.  On their way from the airport 
they see a man, along the side of the road, screwing a 
kangaroo.  Horrified, they cover their children's eyes.
  Further on, they come across a one-legged man, masturbating 
along the side of the road. Again, they cover their children's 
eyes.  At the hotel, the wife complains to the owner.
  "Do you know that we saw a man having sex with a kangaroo. 
Then further along a one-legged man was masturbating! What 
kind of country is this!"
  The hotel owner replied, " Well, you don't expect a one
legged man to catch a kangaroo, now, do ya."

  Mr. Smith owned a small business.  He had two employees, 
Sarah and Jack.  They were both extremely good employees,
always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
  Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided 
that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees 
and he would have to lay one off.  But both Sarah and Jack 
were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair 
way to do it.  He decided that he would watch them work and 
the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay 
  So, he sits in his office and watches them work.  
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to 
take an aspirin.  She gets the aspirin out of her purse 
and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash 
it down with. 
  Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on 
the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay 
you or Jack off."
  Sarah replied, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

  A man walks towards the bathroom and starts yelling, "Son!  
How many times have I told you not to do that?  Don't play 
with yourself anymore.  Stop it!  If you keep doing that, 
you'll go blind!"
  The son replied, "I'm over here, Dad, in the hallway."

  Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old 
Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him 
how to urinate properly. "Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz 
here's whatcha gotta do.
  One: Take out your penie-pipe.
  Two: Pull back the foreskin.
  Three:  Pee.    
  Four: Push back your foreskin.
  Five: Put your equipment back."
  The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was 
working at his still, Joe's wife came running over.
  "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick!  Dan'l went ta piss an' won't 
come out of the outhouse!"
  "Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.
  I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, 

  Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they 
haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to 
talk and bring each other up to date.  The conversation 
covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and 
finally gets around to their sex lives.
  Sue says "It's OK.  We get it on every week or so but 
it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
  Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got 
into S&M."
  Sue is aghast.  "Really Sally, I never would have 
guessed that you would go for that."
  "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

  A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at 
a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the 
waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating! 
  She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to 
which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!
  She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the 
three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!" 

  Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in
front of their 4 and 6 year old children, so they decide
to talk in code.           
  One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says 
to little Katie, "Tell your mother I would really like to 
type a letter."
  Katie runs off to find her mom. " Mommy, mommy", shouts
Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter."
  Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell 
your daddy that he can't type a letter today as there is 
a "red ribbon" in the typewriter." 
  Katie ran off to her father and says, " Daddy, daddy, 
mommy says you can't type a letter today as there is a 
red ribbon in the typewriter."           
  A few days later Sharon remembers Mark's request and 
she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can 
type that letter today."
  Katie went off to look for her father and told him, 
"Daddy, Mommy says you can type the letter today."
  "Thats OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your 
mother that I don't need the typewriter any more, 
I wrote the letter by hand."

Hate telling people you masturbate?  Try one of these 
alternate activities instead. Satisfaction guaranteed!

Accosting the Oscar Meyer.
Appropriate the means.
Arm aroebics.
Backstroke Roulette.
Battling the purple-helmeted warrior.
Bash the bishop.
Bash the Candle.
Beat off.
Beat Pete.
Beat the bologna.
Beat the bishop.
Beat the butter.
Beat the dummy.
Beat the meat.
Beat the stick.
Bequeath your genes.
Bleed the lizard.
Bleed the weed.
Bloating the vein.
Blow your load.
Bludgeon the beefsteak.
Bombing the German helmut.
Bop the baloney.
Box the Jesuit.
Boxin' the Bozak.
Boxin the Ballsack.
Buck the bone.
Buff the banana.
Buff the wood.
Burp the worm.
Bust a nut.
Butter the corn.
Charge the rod.
Charm the serpent/snake.
Check the oil.
Choke the chicken.
Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come.
Chong your schlong.
Churning butter.
Clean your rifle.
Closing the deal.
Come into your own.
Conking the Cardinal.
Converse with Harry Palm.
Crab tease.
Crack off a batch.
Cracking off.
Cracking the bat.
Crank the shank.
Cream the cheeze.
Cream your corn.
Cream your jeans.
Creamed beef.
Create an arch.
Crown the king.
Cuff the carrot.
Culture the American Blood Sausage.
Date Rosy palm and her 5 sisters.
Diddling the dinky.
Discussing Uganda.
Disobey the Pope.
Doin' the Hand Jive.
Donkey Spank.
Drain Charle's Dickens.
Drain the monster.
Empty the cannon.
Erupting Vesuvius.
Express yourself.
Feed the ducks.
Fight the Champ.
Firing the flesh musket.
Fire the hand cannon.
Fire the Surgeon General.
Fire the wobbly warhead.
Fist fuck.
Fist kebabing
Fist of fury.
Fist your mister.
Five against one.
Five knuckle shuffle.
Flick the dick.
Flog the dog.
Flog the hog.
Flog the infidel.
Flog your dong.
Floggin' the Dolphin.
Floggin' the log.
Flub the Dub.
Flute solo.
Fondle the fig.
Free Willy.
Free the slaves.
Friendly Fire.
Frothinghands' mate, Fistina.
Gallop the antelope.
Getting comfortable.
Getting in touch with your inner-self.
Give it a tug.
Givin' Yul Brenner a high-five.
Go a couple rounds with the champ.
Grab the flab.
Grab the slab.
Grease the pipe.
Grip the tip.
Gripping Flipper.
Hack the hog.
Hand job.
Hand to gland combat.
Hand work.
Have it off.
Having a whack attack.
Herkin the Gherkin.
Hit on Rosy Palm.
Hitchhike under the big top.
Hump the horn.
Hump your hose.
Hold the bold.
Hold the mayo.
Ignite the Lightsaber.
Jack off.
Jack the corn.
Jack the sack.
Jack the joystick.
Jack your Jizz.
Jack yourself.
Jam the joystick.
Jerk off.
Jerk the Gherkin.
Jerk the Turk.
Jerk your rope.
Jerkin' the noodle.
Juice your fruit.
Knock on wood.
Knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump.
Launching the Tadpoles.
Lightening the load.
Lighting the candle.
Little pinky hit the slinky.
Loading the cannon.
Lope the mule.
Make the bald man puke.
Making a six-fist.
Manipulate the mango.
Mannin' the Cannon.
Manual override.
Manually assisted wet dream.
Massage the one-eyed monk.
Maximize your potency.
Meet your right-hand man.
Messin' with Moby.
Milk the lizard.
Milk the maggot.
Mount a corporal and a four.
Murder the Bishop.
Nerk your throbber.
Oil the glove.
Onan's olympics.
One-eye target practice.
One-man show.
Oscillating the Oscar Meyer.
Pack your palm.
Paddle the pickle.
Paint the pickle.
Paint the ceiling.
Passing math.
Pat the Robertson.
Perm your poodle.
Petting the snake.
Petting the Wookie.
Phone the czar.
Play with your Willy Wanker.
Playing the fiddle.
Playing the flesh trombone.
Playing the pink oboe.
Playing a solo on your meat whistle.
Playing soapy Peter.
Playing with the pink Power Ranger.
Playing with your 6th finger.
Playing with your big Alien.
Please your pisser.
Pluckin' your chicken.
Plunk your twanger.
Pocket pinball.
Pocket pool.
Pocket the rocket.
Polish the pole.
Polish the rocket.
Polish the sword.
Polish your helmet.
Polishing Percy.
Portuguese Pump.
Pound off.
Pound the bobo.
Pound the pelican.
Pound your flounder.
Pound your pud.
Pow-wow with the one-eyed Redskin.
Practice the Heimlich Maneuver.
Prime the womb cannon.
Puff the one-eyed dragon.
Pull off.
Pull the ducks neck.
Pull the root.
Pull the pole.
Pull the pope.
Pull your pud.
Pull the pudding. 
Pull your prick.
Pulling on Peter.
Pulling the goalie.
Pummel the love truncheon.
Pump the monkey.
Pump the python.
Pumping gas at the self-service island.
Punching the clown.
Punchin' the Munchkin'
Punish the Harlequin.
Punish the penguin.
Rake your meat.
Ram the ham.
Ravage the innocent.
Ride the great white knuckler.
Rolfing the piglet.
Rob the knob.
Rope the goat.
Rope the pony.
Rough up the suspect.
Rub off.
Rub one out.
Rub the tub.
Run a batch.
Running Peter through two-a-days.
Running the whack-a-thon.
Sailors' joy.
Salute the sailor.
Sanding the banister.
Schplitzing your schmeckel.
Shake the weasel.
Shakin' hands with little Elvis.
Shakin' hands with Mr. Winkie.
Shakin' hands with the unemployed.
Shakin' your hands at the sky.
Shakin' your own maracas.
Shifting gears.
Shine the barrel.
Shine your pole.
Shoe shine.
Shoot your squirt.
Shooting putty at the moon.
Shuffle the deck.
Single dingles.
Siphoning off the tank.
Slakin' the bacon.
Slammin' the salmon.
Slam the ham.
Slam the hammer.
Slam the salomi.
Slam the spam.
Slap your head.
Slappin' Pappy.
Slappin' the Cap'n.
Slapping the clown.
Slapping the salomi.
Slaying the one-eyed monster.
Sling the jelly.
Slog the log.
Smacking the sausage.
Snap the carrot.
Snap the rubber.
Snap the whip.
Snuggle the nozzle.
Soldier's toy.
Solo spit.
Spank the carrot.
Spank the frank.
Spank the monkey.
Spank the tank.
Spank the wank.
Spank your little boy.
Spinning the record.
Spit one off.
Spit the seeds.
Spit-shining the boots.
Sprayin' the spectators.
Sprinklin' the lawn.
Squeeze the cheese.
Squeeze the lemon.
Squeezing the cream filling from the twinkie.
Squeezing the Creamy Filter.
Squeezing the squid.
Squirt one off.
Squirtin' Burton.
Stroking it.
Stroking the Scooby.
Stroking the schlong.
Stroke off.
Stroke the dog.
Stroke the goat.
Stroke your ego.
Stroke your poker.
Stroke the trumpet.
Suffocate the organ.
Surfing on the Milky Highway.
Taffy pulling contest.
Taffy tugger.
Take a beating.
Take a load off your mind.
Take matters into your own hands.
Take yourself in hand.
Teach your dog to spit.
Tease the weenie.
Tenderize the meat.
The tube of cream.
Thropping your marrow.
Throw out.
Thump the pump.
Tickle your pickle.
Trim your antlers.
Trim your horn.
Torment the Trouser Trout.
Toss off.
Tossing the ham javelin.
Train the Love Porpoise.
Tug o' war with ol' Cyclops.
Tugging the tapioca tube.
Tuning the fork.
Tweak your twiddle.
Unleash the fury.
Unloading passengers from the five-car train.
Varnish the flagpole.
Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters.
Wack the weasel.
Walk the dog.
Walking old one-eye.
Wank the crank.
Wanking one-eyed Willy.
Wanking the one-eyed wonder worm.
Wanking the scube.
Warming up the altar boys' dinner.
Wasting babies.
Wave the wand.
Wax the Buick.
Wax the candle stick.
Wax the carrot.
Wax the dolphin.
Wax the womb broom.
Wax your surfboard.
Whack off.
Whack on your back.
Whack little Mac.
Whack your Magic Johnson.
Whip off.
Whip the dummy.
Whip the wire.
Whip your dripper.
Whippin' the pony.
Wippin' the weasel.
Whipping your Skippy.
Whipping your Willy.
Whizzin' Jizzum.
Whittling Dixie.
Winding the Wurlitzer.
Wonk your conker.
Work off.
Workin' the Jerkin.
Wrestle the eel.
Wrestle the bald-headed champion.
Wring out your rope.
Wringin' the towel.
Wringin' out the tube steak.
Yang your wang.
Yank off.
Yank the crank.
Yank the plank.
Yank the yam.
Yank the Yoda (Do or do not; there is no try.)
Yank your strap.
Yank your wank.
Yankee your Wankee
Yuckin' your choad

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