Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings!"
Kellogg's is coming out with a new cereal for impotent men.
It's to be called "Nut'N'Raisin Honey"
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an
application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to
prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey
hair on his chest and they except that as proof.He goes home to his
wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants,
and see if you can get disability!"
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife
sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with
self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.
However, she could not help but notice that each night, early
into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom
for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night,
she followed him.
There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this
therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...
She's not my wife..."
A man is having a problem getting an erection so he goes to see
his doctor. The doctor runs all kinds of tests and finally decides
that he can cure the man.
"There is nothing wrong with you physically," explains the doctor,
"you're just suffering from 'performance anxiety.'"
"Well what can I do?" asks the man
"My advice is to wait until your wife is asleep and then reach
down between her legs and get a little of her love juice on your
finger and rub it under your nose . This will stimulate your brain
and should result in an erection. With your wife asleep there will
be no performance anxiety. Once the desired effect is achieved,
wake up your wife and make love to her"
This makes perfect sense to the man and he can't wait to get home
and try it that night.
After his wife has gone to sleep he follows the doctors advice
and reaches down between her legs, gets some of her love juice and
rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or
two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some
more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he
has a full erection. He is so happy he can't wait to show his wife
and share the good news.
He wakes her up and says excitedly, "Look honey! Look what I have!"
She rolls over, looks at him and says,
"You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a
"Doc, you gotta help me," said Mr. Smith, walking into the
physician's office. "I need a prescription for Sex-Lax."
"Don't you mean Ex-Lax?" asked the doctor.
"No, no no," answered Mr. Smith testily. "I don't have
trouble going. I have trouble coming."
He complained to the urologist that he had fathered "too many
The good Doctor asked him to return next week so he could make
The week following, he showed up in a tuxedo. The good Doctor
asked, "Why the tuxedo?"
He said, "If you're going to make me impotent, I'm going to
There was a man who had a wife and she had a problem responding
to his desires. This continued for about 6 months. As frustration
was welling up within him he decided to see a doctor about his
wife's lack of attention toward him. The doctor, being of the wise
kind, gave this man a bottle of pills and said to him, "Now, just
before your wife retires give her a cup of milk and slip a couple
of these pills in and before you know it she will be more than
So he goes home very excited and when night comes he offers his
wife a cup of milk and slips in a couple of those pills. He then
says to himself, "Now why should she have all the fun?" So he
pours himself a cup and puts the whole bottle into his cup. He
takes both cups to his wife in bed and they talk for a bit and
drink the milk.
After a half hour, both fall asleep. Then, the wife suddenly
sits up straight in bed, pounds her husband and says, "Darling,
Darling! Wake up! Wake up! I need a man now!"
The husband sits up straight and shouts, "So do I! So do I!"
What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic?"
"Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the second time.
"Panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first time.
Did you hear about the guy who scheduled an appointment with an
He had to cancel because something came up!
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about
"My husband's losing his mind," one lady said. "Last week he
went out and spent $400 for a waterbed."
"That sounds exciting," the other lady said.
"Exciting, hell," the first old lady said. "The way my husband's
thing has been working the last few years, that waterbed might as
well be the Dead Sea."
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter
astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time
in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and
showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think
we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all
the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies
that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father
is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing.
As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he
gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.
He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing
with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"
His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these
chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what
son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagon."
His son quite naturally said, "Sure, why not."
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked
in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in.
He asked his father where his Volkswagon was.
His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes
is from your mother."
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't
get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off
your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said.
"Now turn all the way around.
Lie down please.
Uh-huh, I see.
Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health,"
he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
A guy was on a business trip in Houston and bought a really cool
pair of snakeskin boots. He couldn't wait to show his new boots to
his wife. Returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife
was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly stripped naked,
except for his new snakeskin boots and stood in the bedroom to wait
As the wife emerged from the bathroom he asked, "Well honey, do
you notice anything special?"
She replied, "Yeah, it's limp."
"It's not limp!" exclaimed her husband. "It's admiring my new
"Well, next time buy a hat."
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch
watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked,
"Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off
to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she
took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of
the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of
the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up,
maybe you could just drop it in!
A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his
wife if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick," he replies.
To which the woman replied, "OK, then. Pour me some."
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can
of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as
a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather
hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs
into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the
little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangalist
comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with him and place your left hand
on the afflicted area."
The man, who has dozed off, has his left hand on his crotch
and his wife looks over at him and says, "Gee honey he said
heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he
is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his
doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind",
and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confessed,
"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and threw some
powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can
only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and
it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and
it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise
his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her
and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
The young man was distressed when for no apparent reason he
found himself impotent.
Consulting a psychiatrist, he was thrilled to learn that the
problem was physical rather than psychological, and that his
ability to raise an erection would return if he put more wheat
in his diet. Running to the bakery, he asked for ten loaves
of whole wheat bread.
"Having a party?" the baker asked.
"No," said the young man, "It's all for me."
Surprised, the baker said, "But it'll get hard in a day or
"In that case," replied the exuberant young man, "let me
have thirty loaves."
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the
country. He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar,
zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got
off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the middle
of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer
who was out in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing
was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.
"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"
"Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in
the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back
to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a
oak-wood board. Now this here's mah wife's idea."
Murphy is walking down a country lane near his home when
he spies a leprechaun sitting on a fencepost.
"Ah ha!", says he to himself, "I'll catch the little fella
and he'll have to give me his pot o' gold."
So, Murphy sneaks up on the leprechaun and grabs him by
the shoulders. The leprechaun is unhappy, but knows he can
get away if he can get Murphy to look away from him, even
for an instant.
"Where's your pot o' gold?", says Murphy.
"Isn't that a purple cow over there?", says the leprechaun.
"I'm not taking my eyes off you! Where's the gold?!", says
"Look at that peacock flying overhead!", says the leprechaun.
"I'm wise to your tricks! Where's the gold?!!", says Murphy.
Finally, the leprechaun gives up.
"All right", he says, "you've got me. But I'm not a
pot o' gold leprechaun, I'm a three-wish leprechaun."
"What's a three-wish leprechaun?", says Murphy.
"I can grant you up to three wishes", says the leprechaun,
"but there's a catch. Whatever I give to you I give double
to the person in the world you hate the most. I happen to
know that's O'Brien over in the next town."
Murphy thinks it over and finally says, "Done! For my first
wish I want a fine, ten room mansion all for myself in that
field over there."
"Done!" says the leprechaun and a beautiful mansion appears
in the field. In the field next to it is a 20 room mansion
and on the porch stands a surprised O'Brien saying "Why, thank
you, Murphy. I didn't think you liked me."
"For my next wish", says Murphy, "I want ten of the most
beautiful women in the world to wait on me hand and foot."
"Done!", says the leprechaun, and ten stunning women appear
on the front porch of Murphy's new mansion. O'Brien, now
surrounded by twenty beautiful women, is positively beaming.
"Bless you, lad! I take back all the bad thoughts I had of
you", says he.
"Finally", says Murphy, "For my last wish...I want my sexual
potency to be cut by fifty percent!"
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's
um...little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local
doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels
plain bad for her.
The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,
"listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's
on his way out...Get this prescription, and put three drops in
his milk before he goes to bed."
The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely.
Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it
The lady blushes, smiles and says, "Well I put thirty drops
in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote
now to close the coffin."
GREAT EXCUSES FOR NON-PERFORMANCE!!!
1. "I can't help it. Your like an angel, and making love to
you would be like defiling a sacred thing."
2. "I can't help it. I love you too much to give you this
3. "I don't understand it. This is the first time this has
happened to me today."
4. "Listen, are you sure we are doing the right thing?"
5. "I think I twisted my ankle."
6. Have YOU ever had this problem before?
7. I'm sorry, I just can't imagine anyone I like right now.
This little old lady goes to the doctor to tell him that she
suspected that her husband had lost his sex drive. The doc thought
that the lady was a little senile, and asked her a couple of questions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm 88" came the reply.
"And how old is your husband?"
"He's 93" she said.
Thinking that he was really on to something here, his next question was
"Tell me, when did you first notice that your husband lost his drive?"
The lady answered, "Last night, and again this morning."