Anal Sex Jokes

Anal Sex Jokes

  Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and 
talking about their love lives. Tracy said, "I call my husband the 
dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
  Cathy giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because
of his incredible shaft."
  Dawn quietly sipped her whiskey until Tracy asked, "Say, what do 
you call your husband?"
  Dawn frowned and said, "The postman."
  "Why the postman?" asked Cathy.
  "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the 
wrong box."

  Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the
keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new
  They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has
gone before!"
  The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her
up the ass!"

  In the days of Yore, long gone by, at the time of Camelot,
there were many brave Knights, but the bravest of them all was
Sir Lancelot. Sir Lancelot was the bravest of the brave,
goodest of the good and purest of the pure.
  One day Sir Lancelot set out from Camelot on his trusty
charger, his quest as ever, to slay dragons, rescue maidens and
hopefully turn up the Holy Grail on the way. Resplendent in his
shiny armour he set forth, brave, good and pure.
  However on this day, events took a decidedly strange twist, 
as out of nowhere as strange twist of time and space appeared, 
and before Sir Lancelot good reign in his horse, they plummeted
thru the vortex and were hurled many years thru time and many
miles thru space, until finally...
  ...they landed in present day San Francisco. Slightly
disorientated and completely naked (the anomaly did not
transport non living tissue or in-organic substances), Sir
Lancelot surveyed the new world that he had been thrust upon.
His nakedness did not trouble him, for in his mind he was clad
in the raiment of Goodnest and Purity. Just then he spied what
he thought must be an Inn of some form named "The Fudge Packer".
  He entered this strange hostelry and noticed men clad in all
manner of weird apparel. He believe that he saw women also, but
on closer inspection, they turned out to be men as well,
dressed in female clothing.
  Alas, Sir Lancelot did not watch where he was treading and 
his foot slid thru a large strawberry daiquiri slick. He
somersaulted into the air before landing on his head, knocking
himself unconscious, draped face down over a chair and...
... a Good Knight was had by everyone!

  Steady Eddie had just won the club snooker competition. After 
the big game he was approached by a lady to go back to her place
for some shafting. Well being the stud that he is, he said "OK"
  Later she's lying on the bed naked and she's wondering what's
takin' him so long. She peers through to the bathroom and he's
chalking his dick up.
  The minutes went by and finally he comes out but still he 
stops at the end of the bed bending over, checking her out.
  Well, she's just itching for it and can't stand him peering 
at her any longer, so she says, "Eddie, what's keeping you?"
  He replies, "Just wondering whether to go for the pink or 
the brown."

  A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender 
where the toilet is. The bartender points to a door on the other 
side of the bar, and so the guy goes to the toilet. He's there 
pissing away when he looks to his left and sees a big guy come in.
  The guy pulls out his dick and it's huge. The guy goes over to a 
urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two.
He then goes over to the sink, swings his massive cock and smashes 
the sink in two as well. He then goes over to the toilet doors and 
smashes his cock on the door smashing it in half.
  He then turns and says to the first man, "I'm gonna stick this 
up your ass!"
  The guy goes "Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to hit 
me with it."

What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
About an half an inch

What do Rice-a-Roni and anal sex have in common?
They are both a San Francisco treat!

  Two sperms are swimming along. One of them says to the other,
"Geez, I'm getting tired! Are we almost to the uterus?"
  And the other one says, "Hell if I know, help me move this 
shit out of the way and I'll take a look."

What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
With anal sex you can brown your meat without actually cooking it.

  This man who wasn't very good at lovemaking was feeling horny one 
night, and asked his wife if she would consider them trying having 
anal sex for a change?
  "What? Again?" 

  The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the 
honeymoon suite.
  "Do you have reservations?" asked the clerk?
  "Only one, she won't take it up the ass."

   I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex.  She told me she's 
been having sex with an asshole for years.

Why do sailors have tattoos on thier backs?
So their shipmates will have something to read.


Why did the Greek boy leave home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.

Why did he return to Greece?
He couldn't bear to leave his brothers behind.


I thought sex was a pain in the arse until I discovered girls...

What's grosser than gross?
Screwing someone up the ass, and having the tapeworm give you head.

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my
 rooster's legs, what would have?
Two feet  of my cock in your ass.

Why did the husband stop having anal sex with his wife?
Every night it was the same shit.

What is the difference between Oral sex and Anal sex??
Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak!

What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in your asshole!

  Two couples had gone away for the week-end. The two guys, Jack and 
Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of 
partner swapping for the night. The guys have agreed that if they can 
pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the 
following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their 
coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's 
wives. Clever enough! After several drinks that night they succeed!
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought 
of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
  The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly 
hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 
3 times against his coffee mug.
  After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps 
it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the nutella.

  A married couple is on holiday in Pakistan. They're touring around 
the market place looking at the goods and such, when they pass this 
small sandal shop.
  From inside they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "you,
foreigners! come in, come into my humble shop. salam a leekem! (hello)
So the married couple walks in.
  The Pakistani man says to them, "I have some special sandals I think
you'd be interested in. They'll make you wild at sex like a great desert
  Well, the wife after hearing this is really interested in buying the 
sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the 
sex god he is.
  The husband asks the man, "How can sandals make you into a sex freak".
  The Pakistani man replies, "Just try them on."
  Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally concedes
to try them on. The husband slips them on and gets this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years, raw sexual power.
  In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani man, throws
him on a table and starts tearing at the guys pants.
  The whole time the Pakistani is screaming, "You've got them on the
wrong feet!"

  This story alleged to have occurred on the radio.

  One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone 
up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner,
ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the 
couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K.,  Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate.  Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian,
           now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other
           line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three 
           questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers,
           you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go
           for Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway... 
       just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh...alright...Up the arse!

  --< Radio Silence >--

  --< Advert >--

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here,
           and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and
           Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

  A man dies "in the act" and rigor mortis has set into his private 
parts.  The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and 
has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow.
  "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay 
another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."
  "Well I have no more money," states the widow, "and it is against 
my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."
  The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with 
a brain-wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the 
deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is 
unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, 
in the one piece.
  The widow reluctantly agrees.
  On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open 
casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the
coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's
face, looking for all the world like a teardrop. The next mourner to 
file by is the widow. 
  She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the "teardrop" and 
says to him quietly, "See, I told you it hurts!"

  An 80-year-old man had always wanted to visit a nudest colony, and 
finally got up the nerve. He was wandering around the place, admiring
the views, when he saw a woman ahead of him, bent over.
  The old man's equipment responded immediately, and he slipped up 
quietly behind her and gave a good screwing.
  A couple of hours later, he dropped his cane.  As he bent over to 
pick it up, another man came up behind him and gave *him* a good 
  As he was dressing to go home that evening, the manager said, 
"Well, I hope we'll be seing you often, now that you've found us!"
  "No, I don't think so," the old man replied.
  "Why not?"
  "Well, at my age, I only get an erection once every three or four 
months.  But I drop my cane five or six times a day!"

  Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge.
  The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to 
give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go 
out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use 
and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court
 Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 
first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
  "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
  "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
  "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them 
this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small 
circle) is your brain after drugs."
  "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" 
(to the 2nd boy)
  "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
  "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
  "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said 
(pointing to  small circle) this is your asshole before prison...

  A fifth grader comes home and announces to his father that he had 
sex with his teacher.
  Well, his father's chest just swells with pride and he says to his
son, "I was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. 
I'm proud of you son.  You know that bicycle that you've been wanting
for so long. I'm going to take you out and buy it for you today."
  His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go 
tomorrow. My ass is still sore."

  A man goes to prison and askes one of the inmates how they satisfy 
their sexual urges. The inmate says "we have anal sex"
  The man says ewwwww, I won't like that.
  The inmate tells him to try it and see. That he should leave his 
door open at night and someone will come in to be with him. He tells
him if he doesn't like it to make an animal noise and if he does like
it he should sing a song.
  Night comes and the inmate hears
  a little louder - MOOOOOOOOOO

  An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple 
who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, 
the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the 
bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn`t 
seen a woman in years.
  Just co-operate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex 
with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives
depend on it."
  "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I`m so relieved 
you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a 
really nice ass."

  After a hard season of planting and tending to his corn, Farmer 
Jones rakes in a bumper crop.  On his way to market, he passes the
  "You know," he says to himself, "it's been a right long time since 
I had me one of them wimmens. I'll just stop off here and have me a 
little fun."
  He pulls his wagon into the camp, tethers his mule to a tree, and 
seeks out the Madam.  Explaining that he hasn't yet been to market,
Farmer Jones offers the chief twenty bushels of corn for the short 
use of one of a young prostitute.
  The Madam agrees, and leads Farmer Jones to a room. She tells him
to stay there and disappears.
  After a few moments a prostitute enters.
  Spotting the woman, he yells, "Come on, honey, I'm ready for some 
fun!" and drops his pants.
  The woman removes her dress and gets down on all fours, sticking 
her ass high into the air.
  "Aw, no, sugar," says Farmer Jones. "Roll over on your back, so's
I kin give it to ya proper."
  "Rules say, only this way, this time," she replies. "Front hole, 
money hole.  Back hole...corn hole."

  A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The man sitting next 
to him says, "Hey, cutie, you wanna play bar football?"
  Thinking that the guy is gay and just trying to pick him up he 
respectfully declines.
  The man says, "Aw come on it's real fun. You play it like this."
He grabs his mug of beer and drinks it all down in one gulp, puts 
his hands up in the air and yells "TOUCHDOWN!!!!   6 points."
Then he stands up and lowers the back of his pants to expose his 
ass and lets out a huge fart and says "Extra point's good.  
It's 7 to nothing I'm winning"
  Well being a big football fan himself and not wanting to be beat 
by such a limp-wrister he desides to give it a try. He grabs his 
beer, downs it and yells "TOUCHDOWN!!! 6 points" He then stands up 
to try his extra point lowers his pants, and the guy jumps behind 
him drops his pants and yells "BLOCK THAT KICK!!!, BLOCK THAT KICK!!"

  A woman went to her doctor for advice.  She told him that her 
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not 
sure that it was such a good idea.
  The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
  She said that she did.
  He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
  She said that it didn't.
  The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that 
you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long 
as you take care not to get pregnant."
  The woman was mystified.
  She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
  The doctor replied, "Of course.  Where do you think attorneys 
come from?"

  Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson 
one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina,
and said, 'Johnny. This is where you come from.'
  Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his 
friends now refer to him as 'Lucky Johnny.'
  'Why?' one asked.
  Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, 'Because I came this
close to being a turd.'

  Roscoe and his friend went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally, they came up with what they hoped was a foolproof plan. They
acquired a very authentic moose costume and learned the mating call of
a cow moose.
  The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then jump out of 
the costume and shoot the bull. Setting themselves upon the edge of a
clearing in their costume, they began to give the moose "call o'love".
Before too long their call was answered by a bull moose some distance
  They called again, and the bull answered from somewhere closer.
Again they called, and again the bull answered. Soon he came crashing
out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bull's pounding 
hoofbeats got closer, the friend in the front said, "O.K.! Lets get 
out and shoot him!"
  After a moment that seemed like an eternity Roscoe who's in the rear
half of the costume shouted, "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK! WHAT ARE WE GOING 
  The friend in the front replied, "Well, I know what I'm going to do. 
I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself."

  Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer
takes off and goes wild; it runs into a fence and gets her head stuck.
  The two cowboys go over to the fence and one says to the other, "This
is too good to pass up."
  He gets off his horse, unzips his pants, and screws the hell out of 
the heifer for at least ten minutes. When he finally finishes he looks
up at his partner and asks him if he wants some of it.
  His partner replies, "Hell yes, that looks pretty good."  He climbs
down off his horse, drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

  Bruce goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.  
The doctor comes back and says "Bruce, I am not going to beat 
around the bush You have AIDS."
  Bruce is devastated.  "Doc, what can I do?"
  The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat a pound of 
spicy hot sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots 
drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 25 walnuts, 
25 peanuts, 1/2 box of grapenuts cereal, and then  drink a 
gallon of prune juice."
  Bruce asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
  The doctor says, "No, but it will teach you what your ass 
is really for."

  A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and
asks him what he can do.  The doctor replies that the illness is
quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two 
suppositories inserted deep up the back passage.  The man agrees,
and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over,
and shoves the thing way up his behind.  The doctor then hands him
the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours
time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
  So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the
second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself
properly to obtain the required depth.  Thus, he calls his wife
over and tells her what to do.  The wife nods, puts one hand on his
shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams.
  "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
  "No," replies the man, "but I just realised that when the doctor
did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

  Superman was really bored while he was on his holidays from saving
the world so he rings Spiderman and says, "Spiderman would you like 
to come out for a drink tonight"
  Spiderman says, "Nah, sorry Superman I'm saving the world tonight."
Superman gets even more pissed off and telephones Batman and asks him
if he wants for go out for a boozing session.
  Batman replies, "I'm sorry, I have to go and save Gotham City"
  Superman just says "That's all right" and decides to go for a bit 
of a fly. He is going round the world just generally surveying what 
is going on  with his super vision and he sees Wonder woman lying 
down in the middle of a field and rolling around naked and as far 
as she can see she is completely on her own, absolutely 100% on her
 own there is not another person to be seen for miles.  Superman 
decides to fly around again because he couldn't believe his eyes
and because he's been wanting to get into Wonder woman for ages.
  After flying round the world about three more times, each time she 
looks as if she is enjoying herself a LOT, he decides to give her a 
quick one.  Super man flies down and starts shafting away like there
is no tomorrow.  As we all know Superman cums faster than a speeding
bullet so after he has shot his cum inside her he is away like a shot.
  Wonderwoman did not look as if she had noticed him.
 The invisible man, though, turned round and screamed,

  Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
  The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a
plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
  The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going 
to scatter his ashes in our favourite lake."
  The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm 
going to dump his ashes in a pot of chilli, so he can tear my ass 
up just one more time."


  A Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
  Her mother says, "Oy, that's great." She says, "But, Ma, he's 
an Arab."
  Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says, "But, Ma, 
he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You 
and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of 
your lives."
  Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love 
my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass.
Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got
married, my asshole was the size of a, it's the size of 
a silver dollar."
  Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

  It's 1860. The decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a true 
story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the 
fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. 
  The place was Deadman, Kansas in the Sawdust saloon.  The young man
walked into the Sawdust saloon and to his surprise he saw Bat Masterson
sitting at a table playing poker.
  The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like
to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"
  Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, 
"Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be
detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."
  The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're 
wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns with waxed holsters, 
and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important son is, can 
you shoot?" 
  The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol
from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the
piano player's right sleeve.
  Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with
your left hand?"
  Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the 
pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano
player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew
the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun.
  "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson. 
  Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, That was 
pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than that myself, 
but I do have one good tip for you."
  "What's that?" the boy asked.
  "Well," Masterson said, "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and
ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours 
and stick them down deep in the lard."
  Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that?
  Masterson put his cards down for the second time, leaned back in his 
chair and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano 
over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and stick them 
right up your ass!"

  A swarm of sperms is swimming frantically through the murky 
passages of a human body. The main group is being led by a scout 
sperm who is running up ahead, making sure they are all going 
the right way. At some point the scout sperm goes round the 
corner and disappears for a second. When the main group reaches 
the spot, they see the scout sperm stand still, just his little 
tail whipping left and right, his little head wagging this way 
and that. He looks really perplexed. 
  The sperms in the main group start yelling, "What's the matter, 
why are we stopping? C'mon, we gotta run, we gotta job to do, an 
ovum to meet..!"
  The scout sperm shushes them impatiently, then sniffs the air 
up ahead some more and announces grimly, "Brothers, we've been 
had...We're up somebody's ass!" 

  There were these three guys who were on a safari.  When all 
three were captured by a tribe of a thousand natives.  The head 
chief went up to the first guy and says, "You have a choice 
between death or booga booga!"
  The guy says, "Well I have a wife and kids and I definately 
don't want to die, I choose Booga."
  The chief turns around, puts his hands in the air and says, 
"He chooses BOOGA BOOGA! ! ! "  And everyone in the tribe cheers.
  Then they make him pull down his pants and everyone gets him 
up the ass once.
  The chief goes then to the next person and asks him the same 
  He responded by saying, "Well I don't want booga booga, but I 
don't want to die either... I choose... booga booga."
  The chief turns and screams, "He chooses BOOGA BOOGA!"  
Then everyone in the tribe gets him up the ass twice.  Then the 
chief asks the third and final person.  This is a real macho and 
cool guy.
  His answer was, "I choose DEATH."
  The chief was amazed and confused.  He called a meeting with 
all the chief priests and eldars because nobody choose death 
before.  After heave discussion the chief made an announcement.
  "He chooses BOOGA BOOGA!"

  A man joins the navy, and sits down for his first meal aboard 
ship. Throughout the meal, the other sailors emits loud rumbling 
farts, much to the amusement of all present. Wanting to fit in, 
the new fellow squeezed out a small and barely audible fart. 
Silence fell immediately, and everyone turned to look at him.  
  Slowly, the huge First Mate stood up, glowered, and said in a 
loud voice, " Alright, men! The Virgin's Mine!!!!"

  There was a hermit who lived in the mountains and would come 
down every six months into town for supplies.  While in town he 
would stop at the local saloon, have a few drinks, and then have 
a go with the waitress, Mary.
  One time when he came to town he went to the bar and asked the
bartender where Mary was.  The bartender tells him that Mary's 
sister in California is ill and she's gone out there to take 
care of things.  So the Hermit sadly goes back to the mountain.
  Six months later he returns.  He asks the bartender if Mary's 
  Bartender -No, her sister died and she stayed out there.
Hermit -Is there anybody else here that would fancy a go with me?
Bartender -No, she's the only waitress we got.
   After a few drinks:
Hermit -You sure there's no one?
Bartender -Well, there's old Joe there in the corner.
Hermit -What?!  Joe?  No way!  I couldn't do that!  I don't go 
        for that kind of thing!!
  More drinks later the hermit is wondering out loud to the 
Hermit -Well, it has been a long time, and it will be a long 
        time 'til I come back ... and just how many people who 
        have to	know about it anyway?
Bartender -Seven.
Hermit -SEVEN!  Why seven?
Bartender -Well, there's me, you, Joe and the four guys to hold 
           Joe down.  Ya' see, he don't go for that kind of 
           thing either!

  John McCarthy gets home after being released by the kidnappers.
He gets together with the lovely Jill who has been waiting for 
him all this time, and they prepare for their first bonk for 
5 years.
  "John, I know this might be difficult for you after all this 
time, so if there's anything special you want me to do, go fast 
or slow or anything, just say and I'll do it."
  "Well there are two things..."
  "Yes, tell me what you want, it'll be OK."
  "First, I want to take you from behind... doggy style... up the 
  She pales slightly, swallows and says, "Well, OK then, we can 
do that if that's what you want.  What's the second thing?"
  "And can I call you Terry?"

  A cab driver pulls up to the curb and picks up a nun. Its a 
fairly long drive to the nun's destination, and having run out 
of small talk the cabbie is at a loss of words.
After a noticible silence, the cabbie speaks up.
  "You know sister, I've got this weird fantasy."
  "And what might that be?"
  "Well you see, I've always wanted to make it with a nun in the 
back seat of my cab"
  After this remark, there is silence in the cab again. And a 
few minutes later the nun speaks up.
  "I must also confess, that I have had fantasies about making it 
with a cab driver in a cab."
  After hearing this the cabbie decides to pull into an alley for 
some action. But before they could do anything the nun asks him 
to promise her two things. First he had to promise her that he 
wasn't married to avoid adultry.
  "I promise I'm not married."
  Next he had to promise to enter her in the rear to retain her 
virginity. And the cabbie agreed to those terms also.
  After all was said and done, they dressed and proceeded to the
destination. Just as the nun was exiting the cab, the cab driver
called out and said, "I have a confession to make... I'm married.
Will you forgive me for lying?"
  To which the nun replies "Yeah I think I can, oh, I too have a
confession to make. My name is Bob, and I'm on my way to a 
costume party!"

  A plastic surgeon grafted tits on a sailor's back.
  When asked if it was a success, he said, "Absolutely. I did 
it on a percentage basis, and if his asshole holds out, we'll 
both be millionaires shortly."

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