Alternate Lifestyle Jokes

Alternate Lifestyle Jokes



What do you call a Male to Female sex change
A Lopitoffame



What's the reverse process?
An Addadictome.



How did the guy feel after the sex change operation?
Disjointed.



What's the worst part of getting a sex change from female to male?
When they remove half the brain.



What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
When they cut your pay in half.
         


What lubricant do they use at orgies?
3-in-1 oil.



Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.



I took my wife to a wife swapping party,
and I had to throw in cash!



What would you call a motorcyclist that swings both ways?
A bicyclist. 



What's the theme song of bisexuals?
"Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't."



What did the bisexual German woman do?
She went down on her Hans and niece.



  An especially naive girl turned to her husband on their 
wedding night and said, "Honey, I'm really scared, I've 
never done this with a man before."
  He replied, "It's all right, Dear, I have."



Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!



How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."



You know you're having a bad day when the town nymphomaniac 
tells you she likes you, but just as a friend.



Hear about the nymphomaniac that owns a deli?
She's full of bologna.



What are the 7 best things you can give to a man on his 30th birthday?
A 6-pack and a nymphomaniac.



Why didn't the nympho visit Mt. Rushmore?
She couldn't decide which face she wanted to sit on.



How did the necrophiliac win women?
He'd just show up and knock 'em dead.



How can you spot a respectful necrophiliac?
He's the one with the black condoms. 



How do you beat the summer heat if you're a necrophiliac?
Pop down to the morgue and have a cold one.



How is a taxidermist like a necrophiliac?
They both mount dead things.



What did the necrophiliac do after he broke up with his girlfriend?
He buried her.



What four words should a necrophiliac's wife never say?
"Over my dead body."



Did you hear about the guy who was into Sadism, Bestiality
and Necrophilia?  He gave it up.  He was beating a dead horse.



What's the definition of safe sex in Arkansas?
Branding the sheep that kick.



  Two lesbians were having a drink at the bar when a good looking 
woman waved at them from across the room.
  "I'd like to get between her legs," said lesbo #1.
  "Oh, no you wouldn't," responded her friend. "She's hung like
a donut."



What is the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottish farmer?
The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!"
A Scottish farmer says, "Hey, McLeod! Get off of my ewe!"
 


What do you call a truck driver with a load of sheep in New Zealand?
A pimp. 



 Why do New Zealand race horses run so fast?
Because they saw what happened to the sheep.



He majored in animal husbandry...well, until they caught him at it.

 

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken?



What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, 
during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.



How does a white trash woman know her dog is in heat?
Her son's penis tastes funny.

 

What did the Arkansas girl say when she lost her virginity?
"Get off me Daddy, you're crushin' my cigarettes!"



What do girls from Arkansas and bears have in common?
They both suck their paws.



When a girl in memphis divorces her husband...
will he still be her brother??



What do inbreds do for Halloween?
"Pumpkin"



How can you tell if a West Virginian girl is a virgin?
She can outrun her brothers!



What does an Okie family tree look like?
A wreath



There's nothing wrong with incest
('long as you keep it in the family).



  A boy was screwing his sister.
  "Boy," he wheezed, "you're almost as good as Mom!"
  "I know" she replied, "that's what Dad says."



Definition of INCEST:
  Theory of Relative-ity

 

Foreplay in Arkansas:
Sis, are you awake?



Mommy, Mommy!  What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!



How can you find a golden shower enthusiast?
Just follow the yellow brick road.



Whats the difference between a paedophile and pimples?
Pimples dont come on your face until youre 14.



How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!



What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.



Why did the S&M enthusiasts quit parking?
The cigarette lighter was broken



What did the masochistic girl say to her date???
"Slap...or I'll stop you!"



What did the sadist answer when the masochist asked, 
 "Will you tie me up, gag me, beat me and whip me?"
"No"



Hear about the masochist that suffered from allergies?
He kept a cat in his desk drawer.



Where do S & M freaks keep their phone numbers?
In little black & blue books.



What did the masochistic exhibitionist say to the taxi driver?
"Step on it!"



  For an eighteenth birthday gift, my kid wanted a black evening 
gown, fish net stockings, and diamond earrings.  
I had planned on buying him a football.



Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

 

What do gay people take for chapped lips?
Pal o' mine lotion. 



What song do homosexuals sing at gay birthday parties?
'For He Gives Jolly Good Fellatio...'



What do you call a really smart gay person?
Homogeneous.



What's the definition of a queer Frenchman?
Gaelic.



What did the gay man use for his password?
 :  # # # # # # # (pound, pound...)



Why did the homosexual man give up playing chess?
He found out that occasionally queens were sacrificed.



Did you hear about the agoraphobic homosexual?
He's got severe problems with coming out of the closet.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, 
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.



What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
Speed bumps.



Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.


 
What do you call a sleeping bag in San Francisco?
A fruit roll up.


Two gay guys get in a fight in a bar.  
They go outside to exchange blows.

 

What do you call a gay fruit?
A figgit.



What do you call a gay monkey?
A chimp-pansy.



What do you call a gay wino?
A grape fruit.



What do you call a gay with diarrhea?
A juicyfruit.



Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population?
None of them have closets to come out of.



Did you hear about the gay man that put a nicotine patch on his dick?
He's down to two butts a day.



What's the most entertaining part about gay bars?
The cockfighting in the back room.



There was evidence of rampant homosexuality during the Revolutionary War.
For example, Benny dicked Arnold.



Most people aren't against the gay movement, they just 
don't want it shoved down their throats.



Hear about the gay FBI agent wow was fired, because 
he blew his cover.



How do we know that sardines are gay?
they come in a can, don't they?



What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.



What do you feed to a gay baby?
Spermilac.



What's the best thing about being a gay waiter?
The tips.



What is a gay astronaut's biggest ambition?
To land on Uranus.



How can you tell you're in San Francisco?
The mounted police ride sidesaddle.



How are homosexuals like killer bees?
Their pricks are fatal and their leaders are queens.



Why did the gay reporter do so well?
He liked to dig around for the inside poop.



What's the difference between a Baptist and a homosexual?
The way they pronounce "A-MEN."



What does a gay man have after getting gang banged?
A full moon.



How can you tell gay burglars have hit your apartment?
You come home to find all your furniture has been tastefully rearranged.



What's the most popular booth in San Francisco's yearly fair?
"Guess your sex $1."



Define:  "Tender Love"
Homosexuals with hemorrhoids.



What would God have done if he intended men to be fist fucked?
He's have put balls on elbows.



How do you make a fruit cordial?
Pat him on the ass and tell him you love his new outfit.



What do most gays get for Christmas these days?
Buried.



How can you tell if your child is going to be gay?
You catch him giving the mall Santa a blow job.



Hear about the gay Marine Platoon leader?
He was always drilling his privates.



What did one gay sperm say to the other?
I can't find an egg in all this shit!



The was a big fight at the drag races. 
Two gays showed up in the same dress.



Did you hear about the two irish homosexuals? 
Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.



What so you call a homosexual in a wheelchair?
Roll-aids!


The ultimate gesture to a guest in one San Franciso hotel is said 
to be sending a complimentary fruit to the individual's room.


How do gays in the military march?
By filing into the rear.



Where will all the military gays stay?
They will cram into assholes instead of foxholes.



Why won't there ever be a Gay Rights postage stamp?
Most folks would be afraid to lick it.



Why do gays like Thanksgiving?
They can go out and look for a gobbler.



Why was the gay sergeant court-martialed?
They caught him playing with his privates.



What do gay men and straight men have in common?
Both hate women.



What do you call two gays named Bob????
Oral Roberts



What would you call a gay sheriff?
Fastest gums in the west. 



Hear about the gay thief? He couldn't blow the safe, 
So he escaped by going down on the elevator.



We all know about electrons, neutrons, protrons, et altrons, 
 but have you ever heard of the homotron?  
It simply goes around blowing all the fuses.



What do you get when you cross a fag with a patriot?
A man with one hand on his heart and another up his butt.



Did you hear about the gay who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job



How can you tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit. 



Why do gays wear mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks. 



Did you hear the one about the gay guy?
He said he wasn't born that way, he got sucked into it.


  
  Two gay guys are on an elevator, and a third gets on asking, 
"Going down?"  
  "Nope, we're just talking."



Hear about the new gay sitcom?
"Leave it, it's Beaver."



When you say "Homosexual oral-genital copulation",
 you've really said a mouthful.



What rank does the gay sailor hope to attain?
Rear Admiral.



Why did he want to join the Navy?
He loves being surrounded by seamen.



What's his favorite job?
Swabbing the poop deck.



What happened after the gay used a vibrator on himself?
He felt like a real dick.



What's different about a gay Western?
The good guys are hung.



Why are they freezing sperm in San Francisco?
It tastes better than fresh squeezed.



How do you tell a straight person from a gay person?
A straight person likes to eat out.  A gay likes to brown bag it.



What do you call a Jewish gay person?
A Heblew!



Hear about the Gay guy in Australia who left his wife and 
went back to Sydney?



Good idea: When in Rome, do what the Romans do.
Bad idea: When in San Francisco, do what the Romans do.



What do homosexuals call the feces that get on a condom?
Gay Poopon, butt of course.



How do you know you're in a gay church?
Only half the congregation is on thier knees.



The grand old duke of York, he had ten thousand men.
His case comes up next week.



How do you get four gays on a barstool?
Turn it upside down



If 2 homosexual males and 2 lebians are caught in a burning 
 building which 2 will get out first??
The 2 homosexual males; they already have their shit packed!



If 2 homosexual males and 2 lesbians race to Florida, who would
 get there first?
The 2 lesbians because the homosexual males would still be packing 
their shit in the parking lot. 



What is the most used gay pickup line?
Can I push your stool in?



What is the most used Lesbian pickup line?
Your face or mine?



What's the difference between a lesbian and a wheat thin?
Wheat thins are snack crackers and lesbians are crack snackers.



Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.



What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-hung



What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
Hair balls.



What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't cook...they eat out. 



When a lesbian sticks her tongue out at you, what is she doing?
Showing you her hard-on



What's another term for lesbian?
"Vagitarian."



What do you call a Canadian lesbian?
Fur Traders



What do you call a lesbian from Alaska?
Klondike.



What do you call to lesbians in a closet?
Licker cabinet.



Hear about the lesbian ice cream parlor?
The flavor of the month is anchovy and the cones have hair on them.



Why are there so many ugly lesbians?
Because it's a dog eat dog world.



What snack do lesbians like to eat right out of the box?
Tuna Helper.



What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbian's apartment?
Potpourri.



What is Billy Jean King's latest advertising sponsor?
Snap On Tools of America. 



What do lesbians like more than calvin klein jeans? 
Billy Jeans



How can you tell if two lesbians are twins?
They lick alike. 



The lukiest golfers are lesbians  
They get to eat pussy AND hit from the red tees 



How can you spot a really tough dyke?
She's the one using a brick for a sanitary napkin.



What's the difference between an Hawiian Luau and a Lesbian Luau?
At a Lesbian luau they fuck the pig and eat the women.



What is the difference between a lesbian and a cat fish?
One has a mustache and smells like a fish - the other lives in the water!



What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
"Say, we do taste like chicken, don't we?"



Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was thrown out of the Olympics?
She kept lapping the other swimmers.



Why can't a lesbian wear makup while she is on a diet?
because she can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.



Didja hear about the two Lesbians who built their own house?
There's not a stud in the place. It's all tongue-in-groove.



Did you hear that KD Lang is dead?
They found her face-down in Rikki Lake.



What do you get when you have 50 civil servants and 50 lesbians
 in one room?
100 people who don't do dick.



  Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a 
bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?"
  Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"
  First man, "Want to come camping?"



What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"



If God had not meant man to have sex with a goat, why put the horns 
in such a handy position?



Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.



I don't like necrophilia it's dead boring.
unlike incest which is only relatively boring



"The worst thing about dating a bisexual is that there are twice as 
many people that they can cheat on you with!"



  "Labels can be so misleading:"
 I saw a news report about a lesbian protest march, and the reporter
said,  "Coming up next, a lesbian demonstration."
 My first thought was:
 "Cool! I always wondered how those things work."



  Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game.  
And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.
Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
Bob: Darts?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Shoot some pool?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Cards?
Bill: Nah.  Hey, I've got an idea.  We can go over to my house and fool
      around with my wife.
Bob: Whadaya mean?
Bill: Just what I said.  We'll go to my house and we can fool around
      with my wife.
Bob: What about me?
Bill: She's a sport.  She won't mind at all.
Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...
Bill: Sure.  C'mon, let's go!
      at Bill's house
Bill: Honey, I'm home.  Honey.  SWEETHEART!  Damn!  She musta gone
      shopping. Tell ya what, Bob.  Let's go to YOUR house!




  Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a 
surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they 
rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are 
crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
  A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy 
child as theirs.
  "Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, 
and ours is so happy."
  The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the
pacifier out of his ass.



  Two executives working in the garment centre are having lunch 
together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the 
worst weeks of my entire life."
  "What happened?" asks Birnbaum.
  Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. 
It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out 
and  spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back
to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has 
been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when 
I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex 
with the garment model on my desk!"
  "You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week 
was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and 
it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out 
and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back 
to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has 
been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when 
I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex 
with the garment model on my desk!"
  "How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks 
Goldstein. "It was identical!"
  "You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture men's garments."



  Kathy went to Nancy's place to tell her about a horrible experience 
she had the previous night with this guy she took home.
  "Well, what happened when you got there?" asked Nancy.
  "After we had sex, the son of a bitch called me a slut!"
  Somewhat shocked, Nancy asked, "What did you do then?"
  "I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his eight 
friends with him!"



  Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay guy goes to his doctor. 
The physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use 
them the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the 
bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to 
line up the target. 
  All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.
  "Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "It's only me."



  A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, 
he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from 
the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species 
in which the female achieves orgasm?"
  She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
  He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks 
out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. 
  About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says,
"Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed,
it's hard to tell."


 
  There were two gay guys living together. One was more feminine and 
the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it 
seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to 
visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was 
something he could do about it.
  Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and 
really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to 
smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would 
become stimulated enough to produce hair.
  The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and
smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped 
into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell 
are you doing?"
  The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for 
comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said, "Don't you 
think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out 
of your ass by now?"



  A man is shopping in Bloomingdale's, and the store's full-time 
security guard notices the man surreptitiously sliding an expensive 
silk tie into the sleeve of his jacket.
  The guard approaches and politely asks the man to accompany him 
into the store's main office.
  The man walks along with the guard at first, but as they pass by 
a side door, the man makes a break for it. He flings open the door, 
rushes out, and hightails it down the street.
  The guard runs after the man, catches up to him, and grabs him by 
the nape of his neck.
  "Give me that tie, you thief!" shouts the guard, and begins 
shaking the man. The suspect twists around and puts up a fight. He 
pummels and kicks the guard, and the only course of action available 
to the guard is to grasp the man around the throat with both hands 
and shake him harder. The thief soon drops to the sidewalk, gasping 
and barely conscious. By this time, a crowd has gathered in front 
of the store.
  "Let's have that tie!" yells the guard, and pulls the pilfered 
merchandise from the man's jacket sleeve. He waves it in front of 
the gasping man and asks, "What have you got to say for yourself, 
you common thief?"
  The man says, "Gack... glmm..." and begins to turn purple.
  "He's choking to death!" calls out someone in the crowd.
  "He deserves it," mutters the guard, and walks back to the store 
with the tie.
  The suspect groans a final "Gluuhh," and dies from a crushed 
windpipe.
  "He's killed him!" comes the loud murmur from the crowd.
  A sweet young gay man pushes his way to the front of the throng.
"This man's been killed on a public street?" he asks increduously.
"By whom? And how did he die?"
  A nearby woman says, "He was choked to death by the store dick."
  The young queer nearly swoons.  He clasps his hands to his cheek 
and gushes, "Oh, what a way to go!"



  A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in
journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was
to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back 
to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house 
way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded 
to explain to him why he was there.
  The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that 
made you happy?"
  The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my 
neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all 
screwed it and took it back home."
  "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of 
anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people 
happy?" 
  After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my 
neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a
big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we 
took her back home."
  Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything 
ever happened around here that made you sad?" 
  The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after 
a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got 
lost once."



  One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found
a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid 
the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
  He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
  She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
  Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should 
spank him."



  'My husband and I, although devout Christians, enjoy a varied and
experimental sex life. I don't think there's anything wrong with a
little role-playing in the privacy of your marriage bed. We have  
quite a well-stocked cupboard of fantasy outfits: a little black 
and white frilly maid's outfit, an old-fashioned princess gown, 
a highwayman's outfit and some rather racy costumes - a bit of 
vinyl and leather too. 
  A few months ago my mother-in-law came over one evening to 
baby-sit our one-year old and my sister's two daughters.  While she 
was watching television, the girls - one eight and the other ten - 
decided to play "dress up" with the contents of Auntie Trina's 
cupboard.  Imagine my horror when my husband, my sister, my 
brother-in-law and I arrived home to find the 10-year-old attired 
in a black corset with red lacy underwear and the  eight-year-old 
dressed as an Egyptian slave-girl. My mother-in-law was even more 
horrified.  She'd had no idea what was going on because the girls 
had been hiding in our bedroom waiting to 'surprise' us - and they 
weren't disappointed!  They had five open-mouthed adults staring 
at them in utter amazement. My sister was furious - and still is,
I'm afraid.



  Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they 
each would like for their 10th birthday.
  "I'd like a new bike" says Donny. "Then I could ride around and 
see everything that happens in the neighborhood".
  "And I'd like a radio for my room" says Johnny. "Then I would hear 
all the news that goes on in town".
  So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is 
out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are 
bodies and emergency vehicles all over.
  "I gotta go tell Mom," says Donny, so he races back to the house 
and shouts, "Mom! There's been a terrible accident!"
  "Yeah, yeah" says his brother, "We heard all about it on my new 
radio."
  Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he 
leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning 
orphanage.
  "Wow! I gotta go tell Mom."
  So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny 
interupts and says "We heard it all on my new radio."
  Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he 
is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, 
and decides since he appears to be alone, to fuck the pig.  He has 
his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks, "I gotta go tell Mom!"
  He races home and yells, "Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!"
  His brother says with a sneer, "In a pig's ass you did!"
  And Donny says, "That FUCKIN' radio!!!"



  This bloke comes home to his wife and says, "You'll never believe 
this, but I've discovered an entirely new position to have sex in."
  "Really," she replies, instantly interested. "What is it?"
  "Back to back," says the bloke.
  "But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
  "Yes we can," he replies. "I've persuaded another couple to 
help out."



   Frank and Ronald - a married without benefit of clergy homosexual
couple - had been spending a quiet evening at home.
  "Hey, Ronald," Frank called out, "has the paper boy come yet?"
  "Not yet, but he's getting a glassy look in his eyes."



  Two coeds agreed to room together, neither knowing that the other 
was a lesbian. Unfortunately, due to a mixup, there was only one bed 
in the room, and they were forced to share it. Lying there, her heart 
thumping in her chest, one of the girls snuggled close to the other 
and said, "Listen, I'll be frank"
  "No," whispered the other girl, "let me be Frank. You can be 
yourself."



  A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town 
during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he 
noticed that the town was populated solely by men. 
  He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get 
the urge for a woman?" 
  The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. 
We just go git us one." 
  "That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer. 
  After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer.
He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show 
these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest 
sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served 
her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then 
took the sheep to bed.  After he finished he decided to take his 
new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local 
saloon with the sheep under his arm.
  The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the 
cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. 
  The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as
if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all
along. I'm just doing it with more class." 
  "That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the
sheriff's gal you're with." 

 

  A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years.  
Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on 
the horizon.  He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down
shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water
from the ship.  About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the
shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.
  "Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought 
I was never going to be rescued."
  "How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.
  "Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.
  "Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that 
time on your own?"
  "Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house;
there it is, over there, Number 1!"
  "But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!".
  "Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly.
  "What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.
  "Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing 
my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head 
buried in the sand and it's arse facing me.  Well, I thought it's 
been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"
  "Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely
shocked Captain.
  "Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got 
out of step."



  The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
  "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
  "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a
nymphomaniac."
  "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you
that my fee is $80 an hour."
  "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"



  Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the  end of the bar
counter with a great big smile on his face Dave says "John what are
you so happy for?"
  "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just  waxin'  my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to
here, Dave, tits out  to  here! She says, Can I have a ride in your
boat? I said 'Sure you can  have  a ride in my boat.' So I took
her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either
screw or swim!'  She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."
  The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the
end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.  Dave says
"What are you so happy about today John?"
  "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just  waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out
to here, Dave, tits out to here!  She said 'Can I have a ride in your
boat?' Sure you can have a ride in my boat.  So I took her way out, 
Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key 
and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'  She couldn't swim!!, Dave, 
she couldn't swim!!!!."
  A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down 
there cryin over a beer.  Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"
  "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...
tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here.  I had more wood
than my boat does.
  She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?  Sure you can have a ride
in my boat.  So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further
than the last two.  I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and
said 'Its either screw or swim!!'.
  She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dav !!!
She had a great BIG dick!!! And Dave, I CAN'T SWIM, I CAN'T SWIM!!!"



  One day while at his best mate, Jims house, Norris decides that he
desperately needed a shag. 'Jim, I know I can ask you this because 
we are such good mates and all.  I need a shag, can I shag your wife
please?', said Norris. 
  Jim thinks about it for a while and finally says, 'Because we are 
such good friends, Norris, yes you can.  But be warned, do NOT go 
down on  her.  Understand?'.
  Norris nods and heads upstairs to where Jims wife is tucked up in 
bed. He quickly went to work, but he was over come with an incredible
sudden urge to go down on her. But he remembered what Jim had said and
restrained himself. After finishing he went downstairs and watched a
little more TV.
  An hour or so later, Norris said. 'Jim? Can I shag her again please?'
  To which Jim replied, 'OK, but remember, dont go down on her!!!'.
  Norris happily bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom pounced on
Jims wife and was about to start shagging her when he decided he HAD
to go down on her, he couldnt help himself. Meanwhile, Jim sat happily
watching the TV heard Norris being sick  upstairs followed by him
running down the stairs looking decidedly ill.
  'Whats wrong Norris?'.
  'I'm sorry Jim, I know you told me not to, but I couldnt help myself...'
  'You went down on her didnt you Norris!!!!' said Jim looking horrified.
  'I got a mouth full of rice!!!' said Norris disgusted!
  'That wasn't rice Norris, she's been dead three weeks!!'



  "Why do you want to divorce your wife?"
  "We went to a wife swapping party this weekend."
  Oh? And she behaved worse than you imagined she would?"
  "No. It's just to get any action, I had to throw in our maid!"

 

  The recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert. 
He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation.
  The corporal smiled wisely and said, "You'll see." 
  The young man was puzzled. "Well, you've got more than a hundred men
on this base and I don't see a single woman."
  "You'll see," the corporal repeated.
  That afternoon, three hundred camels were herded in the corral. At 
a signal, the men seemed to go wild. They leaped into the corral and 
began to screw the camels. The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past 
him and grabbed his arm.
  I see what you mean, but I don't understand," he said. "There must 
be three hundred of those camels and only about a hundred of us. Why 
is everybody rushing? Can't a man take his time?"
  "What? exclaimed the corporal, startled. "And get stuck with an 
ugly one?"

 

  A policeman is walking down the street and notices another man
following him. He disappears round a corner and ambushes the guy 
on his tail. When the guy comes around the corner our hero grabs 
him by the throat and starts interrogating him.
  "What are you?" he demands, "K.G.B.?"
  The guy shakes his head.
  "F.B.I.?" Again the guy shakes his head 
  After a few more futile attempts he gives up and screams at his
pursuer "WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?!!?"
  To which the guy replied, "I'm G.A.Y."



  Three gays were discussing what they thought their favourite
sport would be.
  The first guy sighs, "American Football, because of all those 
gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants."
  The second guy sighs, "Wrestling, because of those skimpy
little costumes."
  The third guy sighs, "Baseball, because I'd be pitching
with the bases loaded."
  "And..." asked the other two.
  The third guy continues, "The batter would hit a ground ball 
right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the 
other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be 
going crazy, and screaming, 'Throw the ball, you cocksucker!'
And, that's what I like -- the recognition."



   A very attractive young woman goes to the doctor for an examination.
After thoroughly examining her, the Dr. says "You are in excellent
health except for those bruises on your knees. They seem to be
developing into callouses. Can you tell me where they're coming from?"
  The young woman starts to blush and says "I guess they have to do with
my sexual activity. Whenever we make love we do it doggie style."
  "Well, that should be easy to take care of" the Dr. says, "Surely you
must know other ways to have sexual intercourse!"
  "Oh! Yes, I do," says the woman, "but the dog doesn't!"



  Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one-day to discuss 
their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one 
was a homosexual.
  The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge
in your vices one more time, you will surely die." 
  The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never 
again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for 
their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, 
hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. 
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his 
stool, stone cold dead.
  His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously
they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon 
a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual 
looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, 
we're both dead."


 
  A lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes 
the physical s/he says, "You can get dressed now-- your test results 
will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the
exam I just gave you." 
  When the patient gets to the office, the MD says, "Well, you seem 
to be in perfect health--I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. 
Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal 
hygiene.  I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of 
them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh." 
  The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that-
-you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week." 



  A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was 
completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer
sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due 
out in a month.
  A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With 
his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next 
to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
  The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex,
S/M and even a dog.
  After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said,
"I'm only here to listen to the music."
  "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."



  A gay man goes into the doctor's for an exam. The doctor does some 
tests and asks his patient to remove his jeans & underwear.
  Doc then grabs the right testicle of his patient and asks him to 
say, "77."
  The gay man happily says, "77".
  Doc then repeats this procedure with the left testicle.
  The gay man again says, "77".
  For the final part of the exam, the doctor asks for the patient to 
bend over the table as he is putting on his rubber glove. As soon as 
the doc gets a couple of fingers into the guy's ass, he asks him to 
say,"77".
  The gay man slowly starts, "1, 2, 3, 4..."



  The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight 
attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
  He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and woman 
seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that 
he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so 
if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
  On his trip back up the asile, he noticed that the women hadn't 
moved a muscle.
  "Perhaps you didn't hear me over the big brute engines. I asked 
you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on 
the ground."
  She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called 
a Princess. I take orders from no one!"
  "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I 
outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"



  A group of men and one woman are at a ball game.  During the 
game the men notice the woman knew just as much about the game 
as themselves, and are really impressed.
  After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much 
about baseball?"
  She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
  The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. 
  "What was the most painful part of the operation? Was it when 
they cut IT off?"
  "Well that was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
  "Was it when they cut off your balls?"
  "That was very painful too, but it was not the most painful part."
  "What was the most painful part?"
  "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"



  A man walked into a bar down in Alabama and ordered a beer.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and asked "You ain't from 
around here...where ya' from, boy?".
  The man said, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
  The bartender asked, "What do you do up thar in Pennsylvania?"
  The man answered , "Why, I'm a taxidermist."
  The bartender queried further, "A taxidermist...what the hell 
is a taxidermist?"
  The guy replied "I mount dead animals."
  The bartender smiled and shouted to the whole bar, "It's okay 
boys, he's one of us!" 
 


Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive 
reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example.  I see you have a dog house 
out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog,  Leads me to deduce that you
have a family.
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are 
heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
  Later that same day
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Fag!"



  A man starts a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in
and says, 'I can't come in today. I'm sick.' 
  He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in 
and says, 'I can't come in today. I'm sick.'
  The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, 'He's great.
He does the work of two men. We need him.' 
  So the boss calls the man into his office, and says, 'You seem to have 
a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate 
to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? 
Alcohol?'
  The man says, 'No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law 
drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday
morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on 
my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing 
you know, I'm having sex with her.'
  The boss asks, 'You have sex with your sister?'
  The worker replies, 'Hey, I told you I was sick.'



  While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to
try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.
To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually
asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
  The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat
they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the
spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and
searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she
has one at hand.
  "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
  Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally,
the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
  "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?"
  "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
  "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered guy.
  Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her
face and replies,..."That's me before the operation."



  A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How'd 
you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?"
  "Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?"
  "I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
  "Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will
screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..."
  He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!"

           

  There was a seminar on "Psychic Phenomena" going on, when the speaker
decided to involve the audience. He first asked "Everyone who has ever
seen a ghost, please stand up."
  Well, nearly the entire audience stood up.
  He then asked "Everyone who has ever had a close encounter with a ghost,
please remain standing."
  About 2 dozen people were still standing. He then asked how many people
had been in the same room as a ghost and 6 people stood up.
  Finally, he asked "Anyone who has ever had SEX with a ghost, please 
remain standing.
  Everyone sat down except this one man.
  When the speaker demanded if he REALLY had sex with a ghost, the guy
replied, "Oh, I am very sorry, I thought you said GOAT."



  Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating.
  "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
  "They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
  "What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's
a Daddy Longlegs."
  Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a 
Mommy Longlegs?"
  Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
  Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
  "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

 

  This guys comes home to find his girlfriend standing in the doorway
mad as hell.
  "I'm leaving you, I heard you are a pedofile." she screams.
  He says, "oooooo, big word for a 12 year old."



  A really large macho guy is just about dying of thirst. The only bar
around is a gay leather bar.
  "Hell with it," he thinks. "I ain't afraid of no fairies."
  He goes in, sits down, and thunders in his best gay-bashing voice, 
"I need somethin' to drink! I'm so damn thirsty I'd lick the sweat off 
a bull's balls to wet my whistle!"
  A huge leather-clad guy, twice his size, grabs him by the back of the
neck and says, "Moo moo, big boy...I say, moo moo!"

 

  Two paedophiles are sitting on a wall, watching an eight year old 
kid skip along the road with his hands full of candy.
  One paedophile turns to the other and says, "Betcha he was a looker
in his time..."



  Two women were walking down the street when two gay men passed by, 
arm in arm.
  "Humph !" she said.
  "They really ought to shoot men like that."
  "Bite your tongue Sarah." rebuked her companion. "If they did, 
just where would you find a hairdresser ?"



  A long time resident of San Francisco is packing all his stuff 
into boxes. His roommate comes in and asks what he's doing.
  "I'm leaving!" he replies. "They just made homosexuality legal."
  "So why leave now ?" queries his roommate. "Gays have been part 
of the scene here for years and years."
  "Yeah, I know." he replied. "I'm getting the hell out of here 
before the damn fools make it compulsory."



  A young couple is in bed on their wedding night preparing to 
comsummate their marriage.  The new husband seems very nervous 
and finally, his wife asks him what's the matter.
  He hems and haws and then says, "There's something about me
that I haven't told you."
  "Well, what is it?" she asks.
  "I'm bisexual!" he blurts out.
  The wife was so upset she didn't know which way to turn.



  There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation.  It was getting near prom
night and neither of them had a date for it.  So one day, the girl
approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"
  He says "No, why?  You got someone lined up for me?"
  "You might say that.  Why don't you take me to the prom?"
  "Take you?  You kidding?  You're my sister!"
  "Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
  "You know I don't have a date, Sis."
  "And neither do I.  But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"
  Her brother nods.  She continues, "So we should go with each other."
  The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his
sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will
take her to the prom.
  Wednesday evening rolls around.  Neither of the siblings has a date,
so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom
on Friday.
  At the prom, both of them have a good time.  The brother is glad
that his sister talked him into taking her.  Then, while he's
standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
  "Hey, brother, let's dance."
  He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her.  "Look, Sis,
this is the Senior Prom, okay?  I'm not going to dance with my own
sister at the prom, okay?"
  "Don't be so shy.  Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. 
So why can't you dance with your sister?"
  "Oh . . . all right."
  So they dance, a slow number.  The rest of the prom passes by and after
a while it's over and time to go.  Both of them have had a good time.
  In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at
him and says, "Let's not go straight home."
  He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
  "Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
  He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country,
she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?"
  "Hell," he says, "are you crazy?  You're my sister, I'm not going
parking with you!"
  "Who said anything about 'going parking'?  Let's just pull over somewhere
and talk for a while, okay?  It's been a busy year for both of us-- how
long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"
  So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks
over at him again.
  "Hey . . . " she says.
  "What?"
  "Why don't you kiss me?"
  "You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? 
I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!"  And he reached for the
ignition switch to start the car.
  She reached out and took his hand.  "I know I'm your sister.  You've
mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother.  And don't we love
each other?  Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?"  She kissed
him on the  cheek and he kissed her back.  After a few minutes of
kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on.  Let's do it."
  "Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his
sister had in mind.
  "You know what," his sister replied.
  "I can't do that with you, you're my..."His voice trailed off.
  While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a
lot lighter than Dad."
  "I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."



  Two men who prefer to live an alternative lifestyle are going at it 
on the couch.  They're nearing climax when the phone rings.
  "Oh no," says the first guy, "I'm expecting an incredibly important 
phone call.  I have to go get it.  Promise you won't ejaculate."
  The second guy says "OK, I won't."
  The first guy is gone a few minutes, taking the vital call.  
When he returns, there is semen all over the couch.
  "You promised you wouldn't ejaculate!" says the first man.
  "I didn't," says the second man. "I puked!"



  Two gay guys are going at it on the couch. One of them says, 
"I gotta take a shit."
  The other says, "Don't whack off. Save it for me, okay?"
  "Okay."
  After a while, the second guy gets concerned when the other 
doesn't return. He flings open the door to the bathroom and finds
the other whacking off into a condom.
  The second one yelled, "What are you doing?! I told you to save 
it for me!"
  "I'm packing your lunch."



  After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of
spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry.  She had been
with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a
change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. 
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin
who was 55 years old.  She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian
computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was
satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were
married.   
  On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her
nightie.  When she came back out, she found that her new husband had
taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of
the room.
  Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought
you had never been with a woman. "
  He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a
kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!



  A busload of camera-toting Japanese tourists come across an 
Australian in the Outbackshagging a sheep.
  One timidly approaches and asks, "Are you shearing?"
  The Aussie replies, "Nah, piss off and get your own."

 

101 GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A GAY MAN

1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.

2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.

3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.

4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with
   Richard Gere and the gerbil.

5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.

6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields
   and still spot a toupee.

7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit,
   and mean her bathing suit.

8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.

9. You really have "been there, done that".

10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about
    their boyfriends. And that means everything.

11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous".

12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.

13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.

14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.

15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.

16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.

17. You know how to get back at just about everyone.

19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.

21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.

22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.

23. You've always got an opinion.

24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

25. You know how to dress strategically.

26. Your car has an amusing female name.

27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot
    better than you did in high school.

28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.

29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.

30. You know that sex complicates things. So?

31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.

32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.

33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what 
    to tell you.

34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

35. You have at least one movie musical on video.

36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.

37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.

38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.

39. You know how to make an entrance.

40. You know when to make an exit.

41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.

42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

43. You know how to program your VCR.

44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomindales.

46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.

47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.

48. You know when to play dumb.

49. You know what to do for a hangover.

50. Yes, you do have a condom.

51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.

52. One or more of the following apply to you:
    a) You adore Judy Garland
    b) You hate Judy Garland
    c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
    d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
    e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
    f) Who is Judy Garland?

53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
    a) Bernadette
    b) Chita
    c) Barbra

54. You made Donna Summer a star.

55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.

56. Tanning salons were invented for you.

57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.

58. You know when the party's over.

59. You know where to go after the party's over.

60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.

61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
    a) Your grandma
    b) Your face lift
    c) John Wayne Bobbit

62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.

63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate".

64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't
    necessarily a compliment.

65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.

66. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the
    catering staff.

67. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
    If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.

68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe,
    like "Stand by your man".

69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first
    communion and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered
    evaluation of the food after each.

70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.

71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.

72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.

73. You've left someone totally speechless.

74. You've shaved something other than your face.

75. All your friends do not have to "get along".

76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with
    different guys, however.

77. Your love handles are actually used as such.

78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an
    opportunity.

79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.

80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.

81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.

82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.

83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.

84. You know your enemies.

85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's
    right there in the shower.

86. You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.

87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.

88. Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added
    side dishes.

89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics,
    and 'important issues" can be about hair.

90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.

91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely
    as a sex object.

92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.

93. You know, by heart, every line in:
    a) All about Eve
    b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
    c) Your face

94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.

95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.

96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.

97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.

98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.

99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.

100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread.
     Sometimes after the party too.

101.  You know that if you have to say, "I'm hip".  You're not.



Teletubbie Personality Test
This test is so realistic it is scary!  It amazes me how these things
really work!  How do they do it??  The following test was developed by 
a combination of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are 
extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple 
question.

Which is your favorite Teletubbie:
 A. Yellow
 B. Purple
 C. Green
 D. Red

Your psychological profile:
 A. You chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
 B. You chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.
 C. You chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
 D. You chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.


 
  A guy goes into a drug store and tells the pharmacist, "I need some
birth control pills for my 11 year old daughter".
  The pharmacist says to the guy, "your daughter is sexually active 
at 11".
  The guy responds, "No she just lies there like her mother".



  We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those 
fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet 
whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final 
touch to the most romantic scene. 
  We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. 
Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position 
of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been 
waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.
  I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. 
Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. 
  Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with 
enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself 
from ending it all too soon.  As sexual tension heightened towards the 
inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until
the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled
together in the now damp grass.
  As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the 
darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an 
amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good
she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and 
whispered, "BAAAAA," then left to rejoin the flock.......



  A homosexual went into a bar and met a big, burly man and they 
soon left together. The next day the homosexual came back in the 
bar, sitting in a wheelchair, and looked all battered and bruised, 
with two broken legs and his head bandaged.
  The bartender asked, "What the hell happened to you?" 
  "Well," the homosexual replied, "that man I left with yesterday
wined me and dined me, then took me up to his apartment and gave 
me a bath, powdered me down and put me in a beautiful negligee.
Then he picked me up in his arms, carried me over to the window
by the moonlight and asked me, 'Are you my little nightingale?'
  "I said yes, and he replied, 'Well, fly, you little fucker, fly!'
and threw me out the window!"



  A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink.  There is 
a good looking girl sitting a couple of stool over, she looks at him 
a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she 
gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, 
the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
  "You too huh?" says the man.  Why are you getting a divorce?"
  "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
  "What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says 
to her."She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..."
  "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our
perversions together?"
  He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing
neither can go to one anothers' house because of their estranged
spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.
  The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps
into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of
what is to come...
  "Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from
the back seat.  She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his
zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down.
  Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears 
him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting
fastened.
  "Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" 
she complained.
  "We did!  he says, "I just shit in your purse!"



  In a small Midwestern town, two gays died of AIDS.  The mortician was
afraid of catching the disease from the corpse, so he refused to prepare
the bodies for burial.  So, finally, in desperation, the hospital called
on the local taxidermist.
  He said, "Sure, bring 'em on over, I'll take care of 'em."
  So an ambulance driver carts the bodies off to the taxidermists shop.
When he arrives, the taxidermist asks the ambulance driver "Do you want
them mounted?"
  The driver replies, "Nah, just holding hands..."

 

  Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and
they were getting a little testy.
  One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get
on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.  I'll hike north 
and spend the day looking around, you hike  south and spend the day.  
Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the 
campfire."
  The second friend agrees and hikes south.  The first man hikes north.
  That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked
into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate
lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and 
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers
were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. 
How was your day?"
  The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied
to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable 
way all afternoon.  Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, 
I came back to camp."
  "Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a blow job?"
  "No," says the second friend. "I couldn't find her head."



  A man walked into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly
out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. and
his hands were shaking. He approached another man and asked, "Excuse
me, but could you please unzip my fly?"
  The second fellow was embarrassed, but felt sorry for the stranger,
who appeared to be crippled. He thought how humiliating it must be to
have to ask for help for something like this, so he complied, unzipping
the first man's pants. 
  Next, the man asked him to hold his penis while he peed. The second
guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he was asked. Finally, the 
first guy finished, and the second man started to put his penis back 
in his pants.
  "Oh, I can take care of that," the first man said, blowing on his
fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."


  
  Little Johnny is staying at his grans, and one afternoon, sees two
dogs out in the street shagging. Not knowing what they were doing he
asks his Gran what it is they are up to.
  "They're having sex" says his Gran
  "What's sex??" Asks Johnny
  "Well, er, um, it's a little hard to explain," she says trying to
think of a simple way of telling him. "I tell you what...i'll show you."
So she takes him upstairs to the bedroom, and shows him what sex is.
   When he gets back home later, he runs into where his dad is, shouting
"Dad, Dad!!, You'll never guess what I did!!"
  "What did you do little Johnny?" his dad asks.
  "I had sex with grandma," he tells him.
  "WHAT!!?? - You had sex with my mum?" rages his father
  "Well, you had sex with mine!!" he replies


 
  The hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.
The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself
ready.
  The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and
says, "Honey,I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin"
  The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling
at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.
  When he gets there his father says, "Son, what are you doing 
here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
  The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. 
She's a virgin."
  "Damn son.You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't 
good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough 
for ours."

 
 
  Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia 
courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep. The key 
witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm
where the sheep was raised. 
  The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw.
  "Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. 
And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like." 
  "And then what?" asked the prosecutor. 
  "Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close." 
  "And what happened after that?" 
  "Well," said the witness, "They sorta shook for a couple of minutes. 
THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around...an' licked him!" 
  Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury
member next to him and said, "You know...a good sheep'll do that."



  Father Murphy is a newly ordained priest, assigned to Saint Margaret
Mary Parish in County Claire, Ireland.  He really wants to make a good
impression on his congregation with his first sermon so he takes a walk
out in the country for some inspiration.
  Passing a small patch of shrubbery he hears some rustling in the 
bushes.  Peering over the stone fence he sees a farmer screwing a sheep.
Well, this gets his attention rather quickly and he begins to put 
together his sermon based upon sex.
  A little father along the country lane, he sees the same thing going 
on across the other side of the road.  Now he really has some material 
to go on. 
  As he comes back into town, he crosses over the stone bridge and 
hears something splashing in the waters below.  There he sees another 
man furiously masturbating away.
  So comes Sunday and he starts to let go with thunder and lightning 
in his sermon.  "Faith," he says.  "There I was a walking out in the 
country and I saw a man having relations with a sheep. Not a mile later
I saw another man having relations with another sheep.  And I thought 
to myself, the morals of this town are terrible, but I was even further
surprised when as I came back into town I saw another man under the 
bridge having relations with himself."
  Before he can say anything more, a voice comes out of the back of 
the church, "Ah, that's McSorley, Father. He never could catch a sheep."



  A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, 
the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle.
  Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem. She was 
in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. 
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed. 
Burt, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
  Now Burt was rumoured to possess ample ability to satisfy any
female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators
thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla.
  They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to
screw the gorilla for $500?
  Burt: I might be interested. Let me think it over.
  He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day.
  Burt: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions: 1st, I don't
want to have to kiss her. 2nd, I want nothing to do with any
offspring that may result.
  The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but
inquired about the 3rd condition?
  Burt: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with
the $500.



  Depressed guys flops down on a stool and starts muttering to the 
bartender. "I just found out that my older brother is gay!"
  Bartender replies, "Gee that's terrible. I'll give you a drink on
the house. Make you feel better."
  The next day the same guy shuffles into the bar, looking even more
depressed. Bartender says, "What's up now?"
  Guy says, "I just found out that my younger brother is gay, too."
  Bartender says, "Gee that must be awful for you. I'll give you 
another drink on the house. Make you feel better."
  Guy downs the drink and leaves.
  The following day, same guy meanders into the bar in really bad 
shape, looking like he'd chewed up by a coyote and shit off a cliff.
  Bartender asks, "My God man, what happened to you?"
  Guy replies, "I just found out that my dad is gay. Had a big fight."
  Bartender asks, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
  Guy thinks about it for a minute, then mumbles, "Yeah. My sister!"



Signs Your Husband is a Woman

His name is Janet.

Just wants to be held.

Believes it's okay for Miss Universe to gain weight because, 
"Beauty is only skin deep."

Will hold your purse in public for hours.

Whenever he comes home from work, all he wants to do is talk, talk, talk.

The cute little way he sits down to pee.

He bore you a son.

Pecs like Arnold; arms like Twiggy.

Gives you the remote control.

Lack of unit.


 
  Two couples went on a vacation together.  One of the men stated, 
"Our sex life has become routine and fairly predictable, don't you 
ever get tired of your wife?"
  "I know exactly what you mean, I wonder if our wives will consent
to swapping."
  Much to their amazement the women consented to the arrangement. 
Early the next morning the husbands compared notes.
  "How was it?"
  "Wonderful, I haven't had this much fun in ages!"
  "Me, too.  Now let's go see how the ladies made out."



  Gay guy walks into a gay bar, sees a fellow he likes, so he says,
"Say, you don't have AIDS, do you?"
  The fellow says, "No, I've never had any venereal diseases at all."
  The other guy says, "Great, you're just the asshole I'm looking for!"



  Two gay men are walking along, and are checking out this guy across 
the street.
   "Hey, I know that guy!  He's HOT!"
   "No shit..."
   "Well, hardly any."



  New theory on why dinosaurs became extinct:  Scientists have 
discovered new evidence that dinosaurs became homosexual right 
before they died out.  They've identified the remains of gay 
dinosaurs - the Megasoreass, as well as lesbian dinosaurs - 
the Lickalotapuss.



  These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is 
detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their 
children while walking to the first tee.
  "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the 
homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own 
design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last
year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
  The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his 
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. 
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend
two brand new cars as a gift." 
  The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage
and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock 
portfolio as a gift. 
  As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that 
they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son 
is in.
  "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned 
out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've
just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the 
bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three 
boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile 
of stock certificates."



  Two bums decided to go bar hopping.  To their embarassment, they 
only have 10 dollars between the two of them.
  "Hey I got this idea," said the first bum.  "Let's go buy a dildo, 
and once we've drank a few beers, you place the dildo between your 
legs and I'll pretend I'm giving you head.  For sure they'll throw 
us out, then we don't have to pay anything."
  "Great idea," said the 2nd bum.
  So after a few rounds of beer in the 1st bar, they proceeded with 
their plan.  Indeed they were thrown out and did not have to pay for
the tab.
  After being thrown out of 5 bars, the first bum said "Hic, Lets's
call it a night. I'm dead drunk. Give me the dildo and we'll do it 
again tomorrow."
  The 2nd drunk answered, "Hic, sorry, I lost the dildo...hic...when
they threw us out of the 1st bar."



  Two gay guys are making love on the couch.  The guy on top, Bob, 
tells the guy on bottom not to cum on the couch.  Bob tells his 
boyfriend if he cums on the couch the relationship is over.  Bob 
explains that the couch is brand new, and he loves it.  Bob left 
the room, and went to wash up.
  When he came back, he found a wet spot on the couch.  Bob was 
terribly irate with his boyfriend.  He told his boyfriend that the 
relationship was over.  Bob asked why the boyfriend did it after 
he had asked him not too.
  The boyfriend answered, "I didn't cum, I farted".



  Two guys were talking and one said "Hey, Chad, how's pilot 
school coming?"
Chad: "Terrible...I had to quit when I found out the 
instructor was gay"
Joe: "What difference does that make?  Live and let live, I 
always say"
Chad: "You don't understand...he took me up to 5000 feet and 
said "It's your buns or jump"
Joe: "Holy Cow!  Did you jump?"
Chad: "A little...  at first"



The lesbian version of the Nike runners:
 they're called Dyke
 they're a sensible shoe with an extra-long tongue
 they're usually found in pairs
 they're only available in womyn's sizes
 they're available in a rainbow of colours
 they come off with one finger.
...and they hug your feet snugly (if you're a very 
  special girl)
Only one pair in ten matches this description but, if 
the shoe fits, wear it 
...Just do it...



  A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. 
After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if 
he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.
  "Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think 
you could kill a man?"
 "My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days." 



  A Cowboy walks into a bar in Los Angeles and sits down by a good 
looking drop dead woman. The Cowboy ask her if he could buy her a 
drink.
 She replys, "I am a Lesbian."
  The Cowboy says, "What is a lesbian"?
  She says, "you see that good looking blond at the end of the bar? 
I would just love to lick her pussy all night!
  The Cowboy says, "Oh my god I must be a lesbian too!"



  Forced to close because of public disgust, poor takings and the 
owners being made a huge offer by a national car parking giant for
the site, the owners of a Circus decided to put on one last breath
taking performance to an invited adult audience.
  The usual acts met with muted applause. Finally a large steel 
cage was placed in the centre of the ring, inside it was a huge 
lion. The ring-master walked into the cage and took control, with 
the lion obeying every command.
  After the ring-master took his final bow he asked for silence 
and proceeded to undress. After a few moments the well endowed 
ring master was standing there with a huge erection. To a very 
surprised audience he grasped the lions jaws, opened its mouth 
and placed his cock inside the lions mouth. After a good 5 minutes
of oral sex and a large sigh of relief he removed his cock and 
walked from the cage to a standing ovation.
  "Any volunteers" asked the ringmaster, to which one man was 
heard shouting "YES ME".
  The spotlight turned to reveal a man in a bright pink chiffon 
blouse and yellow cravat. He minced his way to the ring and 
introduced himself to the ring master and audience in a loud but
rather effeminate voice. The ring master told him he could still
back down and return to his seat, but the man insisted in going 
ahead with it. The ring master asked if he had any questions or 
concerns regarding the procedure.
  He replied, "The only thing that worries me is I'm not sure 
if I can open mine as wide as the lions"



Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
  Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so of
almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing
there.
  "Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...
Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
  "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
  As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinkin."
  "Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can do
that with the best of them."
  Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin, too."
  Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there.  Thanks again."
  Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at
these parties, too."
  "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I
wear to the party?"
  Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just
gonna be the two of us."




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