Two atoms were walking down the road when one exclaims to the other
"Oh my gosh, I think I've lost an electron!!!"
"Are you sure???" replied the second...
"Yes, I'm POSITIVE!"
UNIFIED FIELD THEORY
In the beginning there was Aristotle,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
And objects in motion tended to come to rest,
And soon everything was at rest,
And God saw that it was boring.
Then God created Newton,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
But objects in motion tended to remain in motion,
And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved and
matter was conserved,
And God saw that it was conservative.
Then God created Einstein,
And everything was relative,
And fast things became short,
And straight things became curved,
And the universe was filled with inertial frames,
And God saw that it was relatively general, but some of it was
especially relative.
Then God created Bohr,
And there was the principle,
And the principle was quantum,
And all things were quantized,
But some things were still relative,
And God saw that it was confusing.
Then God was going to create Fergeson,
And Fergeson would have unified,
And he would have fielded a theory,
And all would have been one,
But it was the seventh day,
And God rested, And objects at rest tend to remain at rest.
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological
experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large
empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed
at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your
chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a
position halfway between its current location and the woman
on the bed."
The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust.
"What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll
never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out.
The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and
ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation,
and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.
The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"
The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll
get close enough for all practical purposes!"
A Physicist Considers Consumer Warning Labels
by Prof. Ravi Jain
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent
trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing
of warnings on products that present hazards to the general
public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that
such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area.
This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th
century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we
join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging of every product offered for sale in the U.S.A. Our
suggested list of warnings appears below.
Warning: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the
universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a
force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely
proportional to the distance between them.
Caution: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent
of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
Handle with extreme care! This product contains minute electrically
charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred
million miles per hour.
Consumer notice: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle", it is
impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both
precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving. (Note:
This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite
sure that his principle was correct)
Advisory: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that,
through a process known as tunnelling, this product may
spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear
at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's
domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any
damages or inconvenience that may result.
Read this before opening package: According to certain suggested
versions of the grand unified theory, the primary particles
constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the
next four hundred million years.
This is a 100% matter product: In the unlikely event that this
merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic
explosion will result.
Public notice as required by law: Any use of this product, in any
manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the
universe. Although no liability is implied herin, the consumer is
warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of
the universe.
Note: The most fundamental particles in this product are held
together with a gluing force about which little is currently
known, and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently
guaranteed.
Attention: Despite any other listing of product contents found
hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product
consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.
New grand unified theory disclaimer: The manufacturer may
technically be entitled to claim that this product is
ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this
confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to
three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are
"rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be
detected.
Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when
the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may
cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined
state.
Component equivalency notice: The subatomic particles (electrons,
protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in
every measurable respect as those used in the products of other
manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be
expressed or implied.
Health warning: Care should be taken when lifting this product,
since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity
relative to the user.
Important notice to purchasers: The entire physical universe,
including this product, may one day collapse back into an
infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently
re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot
be guaranteed.
CRAZED PHYSICS TEST ANSWER
1] A shotgun shooting 12 pellets of 00 Buckshot weighing 4g leave
the barrel at 1125 fps. Assuming the average infant will absorb
127.3 f/lbs before disintegrating, how many babies will the average
blast cut through (rounding off to the nearest whole number)?
2] A 100 kg man is being swung by his entrails in a circle 16'in
radius at the rate of 1600 radians/sec. Find the tension in the
man's entrails (ignoring the effects of gravity).
3] A pagan priest attempts to vaporize a young virgin by placing
her in a flaming pit. Assuming the woman, weighing 120 lbs, is
completely composed of water, how much energy will he have to use
to completely vaporize her?
4] An infant has a tensile strength of 400 psi and has a cross
sectional area of 23.4 sq. inches. Assuming it is 23" long and
has an elongation percentage of .0036%/120psi at room temperature,
how long will the baby be before it is dismembered?
5] A 12 year old blind orphan girl is shot from a cannon at the
speed of 1200 fps at a solid brick wall. Calculate the force of
impact given that the brick wall is 3 feet away from the barrel.
6] A large plane weighing 12.7 M tons carrying 12 tons of nuns
and orphans travelling at 724.46 kph and at an altitude of
40,000 meters suffers explosive decompression above the center
of a 30km diameter population. Assuming that one passenger is
sucked out every second, how many passengers will land within
the population center?
7] A 1000 lb car is moving at 130 mph and two poodles whose
combined weight is 82 lbs are thrown out the back at 3 mph.
Calculate the velocity of the car.
8] Farmer Brown is selling apples for 12 cents a dozen in a
room where a torch has a brightness of 120 candela is 12 ft
from a 14.36 sq meter surface. Assuming a light bulb 17.3 cubits
from the surface has a brightness of 129 candlepower and gives
off heat of 1.27 BTU and the room is 423 degrees Kelvin; assuming
the pressure in the room is 1100 millibar; assuming the lightbulb
is rotating at 4 pi radians per halfminute, with the power source
of the bulb a battery giving off energy at a rate of 12,000,000
terrajoules per exasecond; assuming the coefficient offriction
at the base of the rotating lightbulb is 1.679 E9;assuming
the room is being launched at 50 times escape velocity; assuming
it collides with the moon in a perfectly elastic collision, when
the room returns to the earth 6 days 4 hours 20 minutes 35 seconds
and 12 nanoseconds later, how much does Farmer Brown sell one
apple for?
ANSWERS:
1) eight
2) 65,024 Newtons
3) 130,000 BTU
4) about 26.45 inches
5) if she weighs 50 lbs, and all of her sticks to the wall
3.3 million Newtons
6) about 12 (give or take a torso or leg)
7) 140.91 happy mph
8) still one cent, but all thats left is well-done applesauce
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