Miscellaneous Science Jokes

Miscellaneous Science Jokes



  Top scientists were invited to a party, and they
all replied stating whether or not they could attend...

Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

Audobon said he'd have to wing it.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin waited to see what evolved.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Dr Jekyll declined-he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

Hawking tried to string enough time together to make 
space in his schedule.

Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

Newton planned to drop in.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.




You Might Be A Science Major If...
     
1)  If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
     
2)  If you enjoy pain.
     
3)  If you know vector calculus, but you can't remember how to do
    long division.
     
4)  If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
     
5)  If you've actually used every single function on your graphing 
    calculator.
     
6)  If when you look in a mirror, you see an engineering major.
     
7)  If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working 
    on a computer.
     
8)  If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
     
9)  If you always do homework on Friday nights.
     
10) If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative 
    of water.
     
11) If you think in "math."
     
12) If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
     
13) If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to 
    break down its wave function.
     
14) If you have a pet named after a scientist.
     
15) If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
     
16) If the Humane Society has you arrested because you actually 
    performed the Schroedinger's Cat experiment.
     
17) If you can translate English into Binary.
     
18) If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science 
    building which says "Exit."
     
19) If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, 
    because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
     
20) If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
     
21) If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute
    to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
     
22) If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
     
23) If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim 
    to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that 
    according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
     
24) If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
     
25) If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the 
    math easier.
     
26) If you understood more than five of these indicators.
     
27) If you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your door.
     
28) If you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of 
    your friends in the form of e-mail.




  A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest.
  In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to
the Garden of Eden, where upon the doctor said, "The medical 
profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical 
feat."
  The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out
of that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have
been an architect."
  The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"



  A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all umpiring 
a softball game. The batter hit a fly ball to the outfield that was 
not caught. All the runners who were on base scored easily and the 
batter tried to turn it into an inside the park home run. It became
clear that there would be a close play at the plate and all three 
umpires rushed into position to make the call. 
  They all called the batter out.
  The captain of the batting team went out to argue and demanded,
"Why is he out?"
  The engineer said "He looked out to me, so he's out."
  The physicist said "I watched very carefully, and I saw that, at 
the moment that the batter was tagged, he had not touched home plate;
so he's out."
  The mathematician said, "He's out because I called him out."



  Ask a surveyor, a statistician, and an engineer to measure a 4 cm 
piece of string.
  The surveyor gets out his tripod, gets an assistant to hold the 
rod, then compensates for temperature and declares that the string 
is 4.000 cm long.
  The statistician takes a ruler marked in metres and makes 
(n^-1)/(1-1/n)! measurements before declaring that the string is 
between 1 cm and 10 cm 90 percent of the time.
  The engineer takes out a pair of scissors and asks, "How long do 
you want it to be?"



  A mathematician and a physicist are trying to measure the height 
of a flag pole using a long tape measure.  The mathematician takes 
the tape measure, walks up to the flag pole, and begins to shinny 
up the pole.  A short way up, he slips and falls down.
  The physicist notices a ladder lying nearby in the bushes.  He 
leans the ladder against the pole, but it reaches only half way up.
He climbs the ladder and tries to shinny up from there, but he also
slips and falls.
  While they sit near the pole scratching their heads, an engineer
walks by, so the mathematician and the physicist tell him their 
problem. The engineer notices a crank at the base of the flag pole.
He turns the crank, and the flag pole tilts over until it lies on 
the ground.  The engineer stretches out the tape measure, cranks 
the pole back up, and tells the mathematician and the physicist,
'It is 15 meters.'
  As the engineer walks off into the distance, the mathematician 
looks at the physicist and says, "Isn't that just like an engineer?
 You ask him for the height, and he gives you the length."



There is a glass half full of water:
Mathmetician:  the glass is half full
Physist:  the glass is half empty
Engineer:  the glass is too big



There is a half glass of scotch on a table,
Art student: symbolises unfulfilled enmotions
Science student: calculates exact percentage full,
Engineering student: drinks scotch and say's, "what's the question?"



Investigator Laura Fuller writes:
I am a high school senior. Here are the results of a three year 
mathematics experiment. Once each year I take my math homework, 
wrap it plastic, and scrunch the whole thing up and put it in into 
a cup of chocolate pudding. I take the cup of pudding to math 
class, and when the teacher asks for our homework I hand her the 
cup and say, "The proof is in the pudding." Three different 
teachers in three years. It gets 'em every time.

 


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