Chemistry Jokes
Chemistry Jokes

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.

What element do women use to get dates?

What did the chemist say to a chic babe when he passed by 
 her in his sports car? 
Radon baby!

What does the surgeon do for low cheeks?

To large gashes?

Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln.

What's IOAg.
I O Silver.

Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny.
And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall.

Where does one put the dishes? 

What does one do if one can't zwim? 

Name BaNa2. 

How do you get lean molecules?
Feed them titrations.

        / \
       |   |
        \ /
        PhD    Para - Doc's   (can draw ortho - doc's as well)

HiHoAg           hi ho silver!!!

     CH3-__   __   __   __ - CH3
        /  \ /  \ /  \ /  \
       |    |    |    |    |
        \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/
        /  \ /  \ /  \ /  \
       |    |    |    |    |
   CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3


               o  o  o
               |  |  |
              / \/ \/ \

A propyl people ether!

               Fe - Fe
              /       \
             Fe       Fe
              \       /
               Fe - Fe

Ferrous Wheel

         |   PhD
        / \ /
       | O |
        \ /

      Orthodox        (ortho - Doc's)

      / \
     | O |        Metaphysicians
      \ /\  

        / \
       | O |__4
        \ /

                Metaphor        (meta - 4)

  / \  /\
 /   \/  \
I         O     a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether
         / \

        NaCl(aq)   NaCl(aq)
        C  C  C  C  C  C  C

Answer: (In a sing-song voice) 
"Saline, saline, over the seven C's")

        / | \\
       /  |  \\
     ||   |    |
     ||   |    |
     ||  / \   |
       \/   \//
        \   //
         \ //


   ___                                 ___
 //   \\   Pyrole                    //   \\   Azole
 \  O  /                             \  N  / 

   ___                                 ___
 //   \\   Thiole                    //   \\   Arsole
 \  S  /                             \ As  / 

Hear about the biochemist, currently
working on developing a male contraceptive.    N    O
(No luck so far)                                \__/
Years ago he came up with a benzine ring      O_/  \_
with alternating Nitrogen and Oxygen atoms.     \__/ N
It is called "Nosexatol" or simply "NoNoNo"     /  \
                                               N    O

From way down in my cranium
This prediction I will make:
That if you eat uranium,
You'll get atomic ache.

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very 
white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarises all elements
that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts 
only morons.

Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes
a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. 
Often called Boron.

Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks.
Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium Nt
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge.
Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion
and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you 
do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, 
and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can
reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.

The following recipie for chocolate chip cookies recently 
appeared in Chemical & Engineering News. 
It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp.

 1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
 4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain albumen-coated protien
 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To  a  2-L jacketed  round  reactor  vessel  (reactor  #1) with an
overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one,
two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller 
operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until 
the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the 
homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten 
slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point 
in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the 
result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for
a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first
order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C 
heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

  Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other 
and says, "Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

  A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
  "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
  "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"     

The subatomic particle store had a sale last week.
   Electrons:  $0.10
   Protons  :  $0.10
   Neutrons :  free of charge

 Sex Life of an Electron
 Once upon a time there lived a young electron called Micro 
Farad. One night young Micro Farad was feeling pretty highly
charged; so he decided to find a cute coil to help him discharge 
his potential. He went round to Millie Amp's flat, put her on 
his pick-up and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode
across a wheatstone bridge and stopped at a magnetic field by a
flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's 
characteristic curves soon had her fully charged and excited,
and her resistance dropped to its minimum value. He then took 
out his tension probe and  inserted it into her socket, 
connecting them in parallel, and began short circuiting her 
shunt using maxwell's corkscrew rule. Fully excited Millie Amp 
began moaning, " Mho, mho, give me mho ". With Micro's discharge
tube operating at maximum current flow, Millie soon reached her 
peak level. The excessive current overheated her shunt and she 
lost all her electrons.  They fluxed all night, trying various 
connections until Micro's magnet had a soft iron core and lost
its field strength. At a square wave length from Micro, Millie
tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. Meanwhile with
the battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his 
field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity
and blowing each other's fuses.

Q:  What is this molecule: H3NCONH3? 
    (Numbers are meant to be subscripts)
A:  Urea.

Q:  What is this molecule: H3NCONH2-H2NCONH3?
A:  Diurea. 

The tune is that of The Major-General's Song,
 from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Pirates Of Penzance.

There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
There's strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.

[Isn't that interesting?
I knew you would.
I hope you're all taking notes, because there's going 
to be a short quiz next period...]

There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium.
And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium,
And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium,
And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.

These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,
And there may be many others but they haven't been discovered.

'Twas the night before Christmas,
The lab was quite still;
Not a Bunsen was burning
   (Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
   In their racks with great care,
In hopes Father Chemistry
   Soon would be there.

The students were sleeping
   So sound in their dorms,
All dreaming of fluids
   And Crystalline forms.
Lab-Aids in their aprons
   And I in my smock.

When outside the lab
   There arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
   And fell flat on the floor.
Out ot the fire escape
   All of us flew.
What was the commotion?
   Not one of knew.

The flood-lights shone out
   O're the campus so bright 
It looked like old Stockholm
   On Nobel Prize Night.
My fume-blinded eyes
   Then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling 
   A water-trough sleigh.

And holding the bonds
   Tied to each one of them
Was a figure I knew
   As our own Papa Chem.
With speeds in excess
   Of most X-rays they came.
As they Dopplered along
   He called each one by name.

"Now Nitrite, now Phosphate, 
 Now Borate, now Chloride
On Citrate, on Bromate,
   On Sulfite and Oxide.

Forget what you know 
   Of that randomness stuff, 
Let's go straight to that roof,
   If you've quanta enough."

As fluids Bernoullian
   Behave in a pinch,
Those ions said "Alchemist
   This is a cinch."
So up to the lab-roof
   Those "chargers" they sped
With Pop Chemistry safe
   In his water-trough sled.

Just a microsec later
   Electroscopes showed 
Charged particles coming
   To our lab abode
We raced back inside,
   And what d'ya think?
Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell, 
   Right into the sink.

He was dressed in a lab-coat,
   Quite ragged and old, 
With removable buttons
  (The style, we're told)
A tray-full of beakers 
   He clutched to his heart--
And under his arm
   Was an orbital chart.

His eyes through his goggles
   I just couldn't see
His hands were all yellow
   From H-N-O-3.
His head was quite bald 
   With a fringe all around 
Like a ring test for iron,
   That same shade of brown.

He puffed a cigar
   With a smell not at all
Unlike the organic lab
   Right down the hall.
The smoke billowed forth 
   From his angular face
And with Brownian Movement
   Enveloped the place.  

He was thin as a match 
   And not terribly tall
He wasn't the type
   I'd expected at all
But a look at his clothes,
   In the lab's harsh white light,
With their acid-burn holes--
   He's a chemist all right!

He didn't say much
   (He had no time to kill)
And filled all the test tubes
   With nary a spill.  
Then placing them bak
   On the benches with care
He dashed to the fume-hood
   And rose through the air.  

He called to his team
   And his ions took off
And kinetics took care
   Of Pop Chem and his trough,
But I heard him cry out
   As he flew down the street
  "Merry Holidays to all!
   May your stockrooms stay neat!"

Chemistry Carols (or CC's)

1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town
2. I'm Dreaming Of A White Precipitate
3. Silent Labs
4. Deck The Labs 
5. The Twelve Days Of Chemistry 
6. Test Tubes Bubbling 
7. Oh Little Melting Particle 
8. We Wish You A Happy Halogen 
9. Chemistry Wonderland 
10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine 
11. O Come All Ye Gases 
12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are 
13. Iron The Red Atom Molecule 
14. Lab Reports 
15. Silver nitrate 

1.  The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town

You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
I'm telling you now
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He's collecting data
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He sees you when you're decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.

Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

2.  I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate

I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
   just like the ones I used to make
Where the colors are vivid
   and the chemist is livid
      to see impurities in the snow.

I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
   with every chemistry test I write
May your equations be balanced and right
   and may all your reactions be bright.

3.  Silent Labs

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
   Oh, how long will chemistry last?

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorine's on his way
   Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.

4. Deck the Labs

Deck the labs with rubber tubing
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Use your funnel and your filter
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our goggles and aprons
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Before we go to our lab stations
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fill the beakers with solutions
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Mix solutions for reactions
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Watch we now for observations
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
So we can collect our data
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.

5.  The Twelve Days of Chemistry

On the first day of chemistry
   My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.

(second day)   two asbestos pads
(third day)    three little beakers
(fourth day)   four work sheets
(fifth day)    five golden moles
(sixth day)    six flaming test tubes
(seventh day)  seven unknown samples
(eighth day)   eight homework problems
(ninth day)    nine grams of salt
(tenth day)    a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day)  a twelve point quiz

6.  Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")

Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
    Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
    Will find it hard to be inert tonight.

They know that Chlorine's on its way
    He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every student's slide rule is on the sly
    To see if the teacher really can multiply.

And so I offer you this simple phrase
    To chemistry students in this room
Although it's been said many times, many ways
    Merry molecules to you.

7.  O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem")

Para Dichloro Benzene
   how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
   is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
   of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
   and what you get is ice.

8.  We Wish You a Happy Halogen

We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
To react with a metal.

Good acid we bring
   to you and your base.
We wish you a merry molecule
   and a happy halogen.

9.  Chemistry Wonderland

Gases explode, are you listenin'
   In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
   Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

Gone away, is the buoyancy
   Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
   Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
   and decide if what's left is nitrate
My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"
   and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"

Later on, as we calculate
   the amount, of our nitrate
We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
   walking in a chemistry wonderland.

10.  I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine

I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
   under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
   to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
   it was neat.

And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
   under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
   if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.

11.  O Come All Ye Gases

O Come all yea gases
   diatomic wonders
O come yea, o come yea
   calls Avogadro.

O come yea in moles
   6 x 10 to the 23rd
O molar mass and molecules
   O volume, pressure and temperature
O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.

12.  We Three Students Of Chemistry Are

We three students of chemistry are
   taking tests that we think are hard
Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
   worrying all the time.

O room of wonder
   room of fright
Room of thermites
   blinding light:
With your energies
   please don't burn us
Help us get our labs all right.

13.  Iron the Red Atom Molecule
(to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer")

There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine
   Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine
But do you recall
   the most famous element of all?

Iron the red atom molecule
   had a very shiny orbital
And if you ever saw him
   You'd enjoy his magnetic glow
All of the other molecules
   used to laugh and call him Ferrum
They never let poor Iron
   join in any reaction games.
Then one inert Chemistry eve
   Santa came to say
Iron with your orbital so bright
   won't you catalyze the reaction tonight?
Then how the atoms reacted
   and combined in twos and threes
Iron the red atom molecule
   you'll go down in Chemistry!

14. Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Dashing through the lab
   with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
   and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
   making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
   a chemistry song tonight.

Oh, lab report, lab reports,
   reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
   for a chemistry test today, Hey!

Chemistry test, chemistry test
   isn't it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
   a chemistry test and pass.

15.  Silver Nitrate
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")

Silver nitrate, silver nitrate
   it's chemistry time in the lab
Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring
   soon it will be chemistry day.

Take your nitrate, in solution
   Add your copper with style
In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions
   silver forming, blue solution
Bringing ooh's ah's and wows
   now the data procesing begins.

Get the mass, change to moles
   what is the ratio with copper?
Write an equation, balance it
   we're glad it's Chemistry Day.

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