This a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u. Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader. Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. Liter: A nest of young puppies. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat. For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor. To prevent contraception, use a condominium. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom. It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places. Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers. When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy. One of the main causes of dust is DIRT. A monsoon is a French gentleman. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days. The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. Lime is a green-tasting rock. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. Clouds are high flying fogs. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man. A blizzard is when it snows sideways. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. Wind is like the air, only pushier. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. In some rocks, you find fossil footprints of fish. For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now. A thermometer is an instrument for raising temperance. Geometry teaches us to bisex angels. Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. The general direction of the Alps is straight up. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. One of the main causes of dust is janitors. A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. One by-product of raising cattle is calves. Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. Climate is caused by the emotion of the earth around the sun. The plains of Siberia are roamed over by the lynx and the larynx. Lindberg is the capital of Germany. The chief animals of Australia are the kangaroo, larkspur, boomerang, and peccadillo. Don Juan is a town in the West Indies. What people live in the Po Valley? Po people. In Athens there is a temple called the Pancreas. Georgia was founded by people who had been executed. The writing of ancient Egypt was called hydraulics. The Greeks wore scandals on their feet. What is the sound west of the State of Washington? The sound of the ocean. Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river. Denver is just below the 'o' in Colorado. They don't raise anything in Kansas but Alpaca grass, and they have to irritate that to make it grow. The benefit of latitude and longitude is that when a man is drowning he can call out what latitude and longitude he is and we can find him. The chief products of the Hawaiian Islands is rainfall. The original tribes of Central America were the Axtecs, the Celts, and the Morons. The state flower of Colorado is the concubine. Oceania is a continent that contains no land. The Menai Straits are crossed by a tubercular bridge. Sienna is famous for being burnt. People go to Africa to hunt rhinostriches. Nearly at the bottom of Lake Michigan is Chicago. A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes. The only signs of life in the Tundra are a few stunned corpses. Among the islands of the West Indies are the Pyjamas, noted for their toilet sponges. Lipton is the capital of Ceylon. Persian cats is the chief industry of Persia, hence the word purr. The Mediterranean and the Red Seas are connected by the Sewage Canal. When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artficial perspiration. Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest: He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Unknown) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (C. S., Woodbridge) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (J. H., Arlington) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (B. F., Alexandria) The following are actual sentences from compositions and tests. They were written by students of English as a second language (ESL students) at a large language school in Taipei, Taiwan. The teachers at this school put them up on a poster-sized piece of paper labeled "Fox Paws" (Faux pas). My major was pubic relations. My house is in hell, near the ocean. (on a hill...) When I was younger, I was an only child, so I would play with myself. During that time, many people suffered from being dead. What's your apartment like? It's like a box. My friend had a car accident, he was in the garage for a week. At midnight, I and my cousin went out to fire crackers. My classmate didn't eat at that place because he is a vegetable. (vegetarian) After that, I would travel around the world to develop my eyesight. Penalties are not strict enough; therefore, large people don't abide by traffic rules. (large people = adults) Bees buzz, birds chirp, and humankind sins. (sings...) In her spare time, she likes to look at navels. (read novels) (from a high level class) She had gone to graduate school, but she dared not to face her rival--a tall, beautiful, uneducated whore. Holding a glass of wine, I stripped and poured the wine on a gentleman. (tripped) (to a host) Thanks for your dinner. You must get in a lot of trouble. (You must have gone to a lot of trouble.) He was late because he fell into the jam. (got caught in a traffic jam) Q: When was the last time you received a present, and what was it? A1: I got to watch for my last birthday. A2: I saw the last president in 1992. He was dead. I am a housewife with two sons, aged 9 and 67. My name is Sharon. I am a house. (re: going to a restaurant) I'm going to a restaurant. Do you want to enjoy me? (join me) Neither the blind nor the dogs would like being taken apart. (separated) One night, I went to somnambulate at home... |
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