A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think
she liked children.
Hear about the constipated math teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Or, he worked it out with a slide rule.
Hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She had trouble with her pupils.
A school teacher was disciplined because he denied students a moment
of silence. He obviously doesn't realize that kids today need time to
think..."Did I remember to bring ammo...to pick up my free condoms...
to drop off the baby at day care...?"
A student comes to a young professor's office after hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer
to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"
Two professors were walking through the park one day when they
spotted a man with a peculiar walk. It looked as if he had a severe
limp on his right leg. Naturally, they started to discuss what his
problem might be. One of them insisted on it being a problem with
the mans spine, but the other one said it had to be his hip. Since
they couldn't agree upon the issue they decided to walk up to the
man and ask him.
"Excuse me", one of the professors said, "but we couldn't avoid
seeing your strange walk, and we can't agree upon which one of us
has the correct diagnosis. I believe it's a problem with your spine,
and my colleague here insists upon it being your hip. Please, tell
us which of us is correct."
"Well," the man replied, "I guess all three of us were wrong...
I believed it was only trapped wind..."
A new PhD in algebra gets a temporary position at a university for a
year. He bumps into one of the faculty and, having the cockiness and
arrogance of youth, says to him, "I have heard it said that all
logicians go insane. Why then did you decide to study Model Theory?"
"My dear doctor, very few logicians go insane but the entire algebra
faculty is seeing the psychiatrist," replied the logician.
Thusly tempered, the young man replies uncertainly, "The entire
faculty?"
"Yes, they're all in group therapy."
A group of professors stand in a university corridor and discuss
something. Suddenly a rushing somewhere student runs by and pushes
slightly one of them.
The professor who was speaking at the moment says to the student,
"Young man, you are not just being rude to us, you have disrupted our
scientific discussion, your ignorant presumption might have deprived
the world civilization of the greatest scientific discovery ever and
pushed it to the Stone Age...
The fazed student expressing zellions of excuses ceases away. The
professor turns back to his colleagues and continues, "All right,
then I, like, throw her legs up my shoulders..."
One of the professors at Vassar requested medical leave. In the
space listing reason for request, she put, "Perrier on the knee".
The college President hired a new Admissions Administrator. At the
conclusion of the interview he said, "Please don't tell anyone what
we're paying you."
"Don't worry Sir." the new bureaucrat replied. "I'm as ashamed of
my salary as you are."
A young school teacher rushed into the headmasters office in a
distraught state.
"Oh, sir!" he cried, "I just caught three young boys trying to
see how high up the toilet wall they could pee."
"What did you do?" asked the headmaster?
"Well, I hit the ceiling," the teacher told him.
"Good show!" said the headmaster, "that's one up to the staff!"
TEACHERS GET PAID TOO MUCH
I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides. What we
need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay these
teachers myself...I'd pay them Babysitting wages.
That's right...instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I'd give
them $3.00 an hour out of my own pocket. And I'm only going to pay
them for five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day.
Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to babysit
their children. Even if they have more than one child, it's still
cheaper than private daycare.
Now how many children do they teach in a day, maybe twenty? That's
$15.00 x 20 =$300 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year!
I'm not going to pay them for all those vacations. $300 x 180 =$54,000.
(Just a minute, I think my calculator needs batteries.)
I know you teachers will say, "What about those who have ten years
of experience and a Master's degree?" Well, maybe (just to be fair)
they could get the minimum wage, and instead of just babysitting, they
could read the kids a story. We can round that off to about $5.00 an
hour, times five hours, times twenty children. $5.00 x 5 x 20. That's
$500 a day times 180 days. That's $90,000.
HUH? Wait a minute. Let's get a little perspective here. Babysitting
wages are too good for those teachers. Did anyone see a salary guide
around here???!
One of my students (Stacy) admitted to hitting another little girl.
I wrote a note about it on the little girl's weekly report. The next
day the grandmother came in. She demanded to know why I had accused
her granddaughter of doing this. Her granddaughter had told her that
she didn't do it and she stated that, "My granddaughter was raised
better than that and she NEVER lies!"
I looked at Stacy (who was already starting to cry) and asked her,
"What did you tell me yesterday?"
Tears welled up and she replied, "I told you I hit her!"
I looked at the grandmother and asked her, "Is she lying now, or was
she lying to you yesterday?"
The grandmother stammered for a moment, quickly apologized and left!
Peter's teacher wrote to his mother: "Peter is a bright boy,
but he seems to spend all his time thinking about girls."
Peter's mother wrote back to his teacher: "If you find a cure,
let me know. I'm having the same trouble with his father."
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his
school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled
to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying
off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students
the next day.
The school where he had been a teacher the previous year had used
a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the schools long time Custodian, "Do you think
it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take
things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely..."We trust them with the
children, don't we?" he said.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid,
stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? "No, ma'am, but I hate
to see you standing there all by yourself!"
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female
teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so
it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet,
one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys
up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well-endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."
Could you be a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out:
1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens
as they leave your home?
2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of
the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a
theater with a group of friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?
6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a
checkout line?
7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs
your car nice?
8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who
fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number
in the phone book?
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her
the money at a tollbooth?
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share
with the group?
* If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked
on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling.
* If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it's *too much* in your
soul--you should probably begin thinking about retirement.
* If you answered yes to all 12, forget it--you'll *always* be a
teacher, retired or not!
TO ALL TEACHERS
Please put this in a prominent place on your desk so that you may
refer to it throughout the year. Attach it securely, as no copies
will be made available.
So that there is no misunderstanding between thee and me, it is
expected that the following rules be obeyed:
1. Students MUST leave their homes no later that 7:30 A.M. and
return no earlier that 3:00 P.M. NO hanging around the front
yards. Parents have enough to do in the mornings without baby-
sitting your students.
2. Students may come home for lunch only if they live within
thirty feet of the school.
3. If school is to be dismissed at noon on any given day, notice
must be sent home six months in advance.
4. No student may come home claiming illness unless he a) is
bleeding from both ears, b) has a broken bone protruding from the
skin, c) is unconscious. In such cases, the student may come
home if s/he brings a note from the school nurse testifying that
the child is not faking.
5. Oil paints, India ink, and Magic Markers are strictly
prohibited and if brought into the home, will be confiscated and
destroyed. In the event that said items are smuggled into the
home, and are found by a preschool age sibling, it shall be
understood that the teacher will then be required to report to
the home that evening to wash down the walls, clean the carpet,
and explain the whole thing to Dad.
6. Requests for milk money, hot-lunch money, mission money,
field-trip money, or any other money must be made before the 21st
of the month, as no respectable mother can be expected to come up
with any petty cash after that date.
7. Students who are persuaded to go out for band will be allowed
to practice only in the home of the band instructor.
8. In the interests of peace at home, the following policy will
be strictly adhered to: NO PTA meetings, scout banquets,
Christmas programs, graduations, etc., may be scheduled on Monday
nights unless they are first cleared with Howard Cosell.
9. Students are expected to return home from school in
reasonably reputable clothes. Trousers with holes, jackets with
rips, and shoes with irremovable tar will not be tolerated. In
the case of primary students, parents of first and second-graders
will be satisfied if their children just return home in the same
clothes they wore to school.
10. We realize that personality conflicts may occur throughout
the year. However, we must insist that teachers do not request
that their students be assigned to another family. While many
parents would be happy to cooperate with such a request, surveys
have shown that one home is pretty much like another, and
students and teachers will just have to adjust.
If you have any questions concerning this letter, please feel free
to call me anytime before 3:00 P.M. yesterday afternoon.
At my job as a substitute teacher in the Chicago Public School system,
the threat of gangs taking over the school is everpresent. Subsequently,
the school has been forced to enact a series of draconian policies
concerning gang paraphenalia.
What precisely is paraphenalia? Anything from gestures, slogans,
articles of clothing, and even words written on schoolbooks. The big
gangs are easy to target, but it's the smaller ones, trying to make a
name, that create the problems. So we've been told, "when in doubt,
turn them in, and let the Discipline office sort it out." The penalty
for possession? A week's in-school suspension.
Two days ago, I was walking by a male student's desk, and noticed him
writing in the balloon-style so common to "taggers" (grafitti artists)
and gang-bangers. I hovered over him, waiting for him to notice me, and
put it away.
He contined to write, carefully spelling out "L..A..T..I..."
I figured I had seen enough. I called his attention to my presence,
and he tried to cover up the page.
"You know you're not supposed to do any gang writing on your school
books."
He glanced around, looking for a way out. "It's not gang writing.
It's more of a...gang font."
He had me there. I let him go.
I teach geography. For one of my assignments, the student must learn
to identify all fifty United States. Not hard, when given a blank map
to fill in, but that's not the real test. My students must draw and
label the map from memory, FREEHAND.
I recently had a student working on this assignment. He practiced
and practiced with great effort. The result? Everything west of the
Mississippi was just right. New England fit together perfectly, as
did the Tidewater states. The Northern Midwest lined up fine, and so
did the Southern Coastal states. He even spelled all fifty correctly.
Obviously, Merv had drawn each region in turn rather than first
outlining the country and then trying to subdivide it. It was a good
technique, but unfortunately the belly of the US was drooping a bit
lower on his paper than in reality, leaving a gap between Tennessee
and the Deep South.
It was labeled "Unclaimed Territory."
I gave him an A.
Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical island,
with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me, sitting under a
huge palm tree, With some soft gentle music be played on some traditional
wood instruments on that region, and a cool gentle breeze caressing my
tanned body.
I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom. Of course, it
would be so much easier without everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation
said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a
schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now
sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light'
five hundred times."
The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in
the morning. "Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers
don't like me, the kids don't like me, the bus drivers hate me, and the
school board wants me to leave, I don't want to go to school."
"But you have to go to school," countered his mother. "You are healthy,
you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a
leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the headmaster."
You may be a teacher if...
You believe the teacher's lounge should be equipped with a Valium
salt lick.
You want to slap the next person who says, "It must be nice to work
from 8 to 3 and have the summer off."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell it's a full moon without looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the
report card.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children
you don't know and correct their behavior.
You think people should get government permits before they can reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You can't have children because there is no name you can think of that
doesn't give you high blood pressure.
You think caffeine should be given intravenously.
What The Professor Said and
What The Professor Really Means.
You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
I used it as a grad student.
If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.
If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course.
The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
I don't understand the details either.
Various authorities agree that...
My hunch is that...
The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
I don't know.
You'll have to see me during my office hours and I'll answer the
question.
I don't know.
In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several
disparate points of view.
I really don't know.
Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.
Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.
We can continue this discussion outside of class.
1. I'm tired of this - let's quit.
2. You're winning the argument - let's quit
Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be
a good educational experience.
I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a
lecture.
Any questions?
I'm ready to let you go.
The implications of this study are clear.
I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about
it on the test.
The test will be 50-questions multiple choice.
The test will be 60-questions multiple guess, plus three short-answer
questions (1000 words or more, and no one will score above 55 percent.
The test scores were generally good.
Some of you managed a C+.
The test scores were a little below my expectations.
Where was the party last night?
Some of you could have done better.
Everyone flunked.
Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about
previous material?
Has anyone opened the book yet?
According to my sources...
According to the guy who taught this class last year...
It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.
A professor was too ill to teach his course, but didn't want his
students to go without. He audio taped his lecture, and sent it in
to be played during his class.
The experiment went so well, that the professor started taping his
lectures and sending them in even after he felt better.
After several weeks of this, he decided actually to attend the class
himself, and give his lecture live. When he arrived he found an empty
classroom, with 120 tape recorders all set to record his talk.
I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I
have prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will
don the uniform of the academic and reenter society, NOT as I once was,
a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very
people. Tomorrow, I shall become an academic!
Jan 4th, 1995
Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and
egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only
with a pipe, I stepped onto the University Campus.
Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted
on with respect and awe by my fellow academia.
Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct:
They: Do you know what you're doing?
Me: This is Belgium, right?
They: You have a masters in English?
Me: I have a Red Volvo!
They: And you're applying for a position in the department of Physics?
Me: I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!
I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student
population.
Jan 5th 1995
Today was my first as a lecturer. I prepared conscientiously by
drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very
late the preceding night.
Turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of
Yeats and the passion of his poetry.
The first year Physics students were left speechless.
Jan 6th 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.
Jan 7th 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday.
Jan 8th 1995
I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.
Jan 9th 1995
Being conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well
deserved holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible
for a six month sabbatical.
Jan 12th 1995
My lecture this morning was a landmark effort. I launched into the
explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an
academic, subverted myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of
hitchhiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in
South America, my Holiday in South America, the woman I met in South
America, the place she worked at, their physics department, then to
finish off, what their physics department said about the right-hand-
rule.
I think I was well received
Jan 13th 1995
A minor piece of confusion here in that I brought my Telephone book
instead of my lecture notes.
I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with
the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point.
I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity.
Attendance dropped by one.
Jan 14th
Being a Friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an
experiment in wave theory. I walked into the lab, waved, and left.
I'm sure my students appreciated the humourous content
Jan 17th
Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive
confirmation of my sabbatical, taking it, on full pay, immediately.
Jul 17th
Back from sabbatical I realize that I did not make arrangements for a
stand-in lecturer.
In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some
homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.
Jul 18th
Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class.
When I asked him how his homework was going as his entire course work
depended on it. He screamed and left.
I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no one was
attending my courses.
Jul 21st
My students are all back having received the letter informing them that
grants are only paid to attending students.
Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy, are openly
weeping.
Jul 24th
I am now eligible for three months extracurricular sabbatical, which I
decide to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be
held the day I return, covering all aspects of the course, including the
last minute addition of the Encyclopedia Britannia to the Book List.
I expect all students to have a copy.
Oct 24th.
Exam day. Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and
substitute different values for the equation.
I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the answers
and mark the exams.
Oct 27th
I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class
passed the exam. Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months
further paid sabbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind.
Starting the third day of term next year.
I think I'm on a winner here.
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