Miscellaneous School Jokes

Miscellaneous School Jokes


  As they left the auditorium after a two-hour lecture on
nineteenth-century English poets, the wife exclaimed, "Didn't it 
make your mind soar?"
  "Yes," her husband agreed grimly, "and my backside, too!"


  
What one question will you never hear in Parochial School?
"What are you wearing tomorrow?"

 

  An Aggie was put in charge of the hiring of a new math teacher.
There were three applicants for the job, a Del Mar Graduate, a 
Texas A&M Graduate, and a Harvard graduate.  The Del Mar applicant 
had the first interview. 
  "If you want to be a math teacher," the aggie asked, "you need to 
be able to prove that you know math.  Tell me something mathematical."
  "UH..okay," replied the applicant.  "One plus one equals two."
  "Very impressive," said the aggie.  "I have to interview the other 
2 applicants, but I think you'll get the job."
  So the Del Mar applicant leaves.  The A&M graduate is interviewed 
next.  
  He is asked the same question.
  "Uh...three times three is nine," answeres the applicant.
  "Wow," says the aggie.  "That was even better than the last applicant.
I have one more person to interview, but I think you have the best 
chance of getting this job."
  So the A&M applicant leaves.  The Harvard applicant, having overheard 
the two previous interviews, knows he is smarter than both the Del Mar 
and A&M graduates.
  "I have to think of something really smart and the job is surely 
mine!", he says to himself.
  So finally it is his turn to be interviewed.  He too is asked for 
something mathematical.
  "Pi-R-Squared," he answered confidentely. 
  "Uh..I'm sorry," says the aggie. "but you are not qualified for 
this job."
  "What do you mean?!?!?," exclaimed the applicant.
  The aggie replies, "Everyone knows that pies are round."




The Best and Worst Course Comments Received

"This class was a religious experience for me...
 I had to take it all on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."

"Textbook is confusing...
 Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another?
 That's the way I felt all term."

"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."

"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless.  I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."

"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in 
his class."

"Help!  I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
 material."

"Recitation was great.  It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
 where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized,
 presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject.  I
 hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
 They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."

"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class.
Then solidarity kicked in."

"Bogus number crunching.  My HP is exhausted."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course...
I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose --
spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text.  My $60 was better spent on the Led
Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets
that I would have used the text."

"What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality
paper.'"

 


This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca and Gary 
English 44A
SMU - Creative Writing - Prof Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. 
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write 
the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the 
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The 
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and 
forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order 
to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a 
conclusion has been reached."
The story begins ...

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The 
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, 
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, 
that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, 
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if 
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. 
So camomile was out of the question. 

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
 now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about 
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with 
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to 
eostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar 
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he 
could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and 
blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct 
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. He bumped 
his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last 
pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever 
had feelings for him. 

  Soon afterward, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities toward 
the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently 
Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one 
morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She 
stared out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had 
passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no 
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at 
all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's 
innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

  Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. 
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership 
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted 
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament 
Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for 
the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the 
human race.  Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the 
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower 
to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly 
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered 
the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile 
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, 
felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie 
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on 
the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that 
treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

  This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. 
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate 
adolescent.

  Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts 
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

  You total $*&.

  Stupid %&#$!


 
  Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the 
first American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not taught 
was that she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques 
now used by Gallop and others. 
  It started when she asked a group of colonists what they thought of 
the flag she had made. This was the origin of ... the flag poll.



  The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity 
to his class at M.I.T.. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a 
wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a 
large charge from rubbing my rod..."
  That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.



  There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar 
joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class 
decided to walk out the next time he started.
  The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked 
in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the 
shortage of whores in India?"
  With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
  "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until 
tomorrow!"



  At a PTA Meeting it was explained to the parents how the sex
education classes would proceed and what the overall content
would be.  The Principal advised the parents to closely follow-up
with their children, especially to see if they had any questions.
  That night, one parent decided to put it into action.  He called 
his older son into the study and requested that he instruct his younger
brother about the "birds and the bees" talk he gave to his son two
years ago; thinking to spare himself the ordeal all over again.
  The boy agreed and rushed off to talk with his younger brother.
"Hey Herman," he said, "Want to know something ?"
  "What?" the younger lad asked.
  "You know how a man and a woman get together when they want to 
have kids?"
  "Yeah?"
  "Well... Father wants me to tell you that birds and flowers do 
the same thing."

  

  When Stan Kegel was in college, for a class project in genetics, 
he wanted to develop a turkey that had bigger drumsticks.
  Failure after failure resulted, until he finally crossed a turkey
with an ostrich. Its drumsticks were large enuff, but the bird kept 
hiding its head in the yams.



  A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day there 
was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman, "Excuse me,
can you tell me where the library is at?" The upperclassman responded, 
"At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions."
  The Georgian then replied,  "Well then, could you tell me where the 
library is at, asshole?"



  A college professor had just finished explaining an important 
research project to his class.  He emphasized that this paper 
would be an absolute requirement for passing his class, and 
that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
These were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the
student's immediate family.
  A smart ass student in the back of the classroom raised his 
hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, 
professor?"
  As expected, the class exploded in laughter. When the students
had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with 
a glaring look.
  "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to 
write with your other hand. 

 

  A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William 
Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting 
before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, 
listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details.
  To emphasize his point, Sir Osler announced: "This bottle contains a 
sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the 
disease from which the patient suffers."
  He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. 
He continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each 
of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance 
of this technique and diagnose the case."
  The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly 
poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.
  Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by 
saying: "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak 
about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put 
my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"
 
 

  A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised
tardiness.  Every student caught arriving to class late (especially 
those interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of 
the whole class. Students were quick to comment on the professor's 
genetics.  Well, one day a student entered through the front doors of 
the lecture hall, while the prof was writing notes on the chalkboard.
  The professor caught the student out of the corner of his eye (this 
acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the rumours of his 
evolution), and turned to face the student.
  He demanded, "What do you think you're doing?".
  Being a science student, one naturally thinks quickly, so the student
snapped up and replied, "I came down from the back to get a better look
at the board".
  The prof smiled.



  Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to 
receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her 
courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer.  It was, at the 
time, policy that students attend their courses.  But depending on the 
size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even 
after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics 
professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the 
course (& attend!).
  On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The 
professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've 
never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.
  Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and 
proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, 
he handed his card to the prof.
  The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You
look familiar. OK", and signed the card.



  It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the
intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive 
please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
  Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the 
twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars return to class." 



  A Pharmacy Sophomore was taking a course in dispensing. One day 
they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription 
containers, such as "Take with food" and "Take with water." At the 
end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.  Days 
later she noticed that a classmate had struck one of them onto his 
chemistry textbook.
  It read, "Caution: may cause drowsiness." 



  An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student
were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find 
out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
  All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.  The physics
student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings,
a calculator, and some friends.  He had them all time the drop of ball
bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the 
time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they 
impacted with the sidewalk.
  The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took 
out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured
the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from 
the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of the 
building.
  Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done,
they were up plenty late studing for other courses' exams.  These two
students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked 
quite refreshed.  When asked what he did to find the height of the 
building he replied:  "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 
10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for 
happy hour!"

  

  "Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the
field pointed out to me.  "One of my students has become pregnant,
and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit." 



Pavlov's Birds - A True Story
  There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer 
going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and 
white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen
minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and
then walking off the field.
  At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home
football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle,
and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds 
to get off of the field.
  The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.



  A university professor is giving a long and particularly boring
lecture, and one of the students in the front row, of course, falls
asleep. The professor says to the student next to him, "young man, 
would you be kind enough to wake up the fellow next to you?"
  The kid replies, "Why should I? You put him to sleep!"



  A student, needing some knowledge, goes to the pharmacy and asks 
what kind of learning pills are available.  The pharmacist says, 
"Here's a pill for English literature."
  The student takes the pill, swallows it, and has new knowledge 
about English literature!
  "What else do you have?" asks the student.
  "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," 
replies the pharmacist.
  The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new
knowledge about those subjects.
  Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
  The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the 
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the 
counter.
  "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
  The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little 
hard to swallow."



On abnormal psychology
  In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to
introduce the subject of manic depression. She posed this question 
to her students: "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back 
and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits 
in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
  A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, 
"A coach?"



  For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided
to conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose
to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
  The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he 
started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building 
near the university.
  He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
  "Sir, what is your name?" asked the student
  "John." 
  "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is 
your favorite pastime?"
  "Watching bubbles in bath," Came the reply.
  He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until 
he came to the next door, when he asked again.
  "Sir, what is your name?"
  "Jeff!" ,
  "Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?"
  "Watching bubbles in bath," was the answer.
  Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of
people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime
"watching bubbles in bath".
  He left the building and walked across the street where there 
were several row houses to continue the survey.
  At the first house, he knocks and an attractive colleg girl
opens the door.
  Our surveyor starts agins - "What is your name?"
  "Bubbles !"



  A professor at a local university has just received a large grant 
to study the effectiveness of kevlar army helmets against bullet 
impact. 
  I hear he's looking for more grad students...

 

  "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, 
"Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
  "Sadness," said the student.
  "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
  "Elation."
  "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
  "I believe that would be giddy up".....



Any student who ever sat or slept trough a mathematics course knows
that certain words and phrases occur very frequently. This glossary
might eliminate some confusion.

When the instructor says   He really means
------------------------   ---------------
trivial                    The student might be able to
                           do it in three hours or so.

simple                     An "A" student can do it in a week or so.

easy                       This topic would make a good master's thesis.

clear                      The instructor can do it (he thinks).

obvious                    The  instructor is sure it is
                           in his notes somewhere.

certainly                  The instructor saw one of his instructors do
                           it, but has completely forgotten how it
                           was done.

left as an exercise        The instructor lost his notes.
for the student

is well known              The instructor heard that someone once did
                           it.

can be shown               The instructor thinks it might be true,
                           but has no idea how to prove it.

the diligent student       It is an unsolved problem -
can show                   probably harder than Fermat's Last Theorem.



  Texas A & M University officials are conducting a survey to see if 
they should continue the bonfire tradition...
  So far, they've only poled 12 students.


  While we are waiting for the official word on the best selling toy
this holiday season, it seems that the worst selling licences this 
holiday season in Aggietown were the Texas A&M special edition Lincon 
Logs and Texas A&M Jenga set.



  Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson 
on science.  He had explained about magnets and showed how they would 
pick up nails and other bits of iron.  And now it was question time...
  "Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up
things.... What am I?"
  A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."



  A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles university was quizzing a 
group of students on Red Cross life saving and water safety techniques.
They answered all of her questions easily until she posed this one: 
"Which article of clothing would you remove last if you were catapulted 
from a boat or dock fully clothed?"
  Everyone mentioned something different. It was evident that no one 
knew the correct answer, so the instructor helped out.
  "The blouse," she said, "because the air gets under the blouse and 
acts like a buoy!"
  The subsequent uproar ended the class.



Dear Mr. Cameron:

As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we 
recently wrote your 15 year old daughter in response to a 
query we received from her.

Dear Ms. Cameron.

Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your father's
old high school is still standing and our library was able to find
yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a few
teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a moment.

In answer to your first question:  In every picture extant of your
father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth shoes"
back then.  Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow generally
lasting from December until March--hardly the entire school year.  Thus
his descriptions of the conditions under which he "struggled" to school
in the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit exaggerated. In fact,
our bus logs are (remarkably) still intact, revealing that not only was
your father a registered passenger, but that his parents paid the extra
ten dollars a month for door-to-door delivery.

I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed,"
as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to
uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell bottom blue jeans
with white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal
rents in the knees, and no belt buckle.  His T-shirt displays a message
easily communicated with hand gestures.  His hair hangs past his
shoulders and looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind - perhaps he
rode the school bus with the window open.

As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember the
times: the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of your
father's elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship",
"Ecology", and one which apparently was called "Relevance".  We have no
record of what, if anything, was taught in these classes.  What records
we do have show that your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he
claims. In fact, he took it his sophomore year, repeated it his junior
year and repeated the course again his senior year - Geometry was
required for graduation.

Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems
of Modern Relationships."  Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the
claim that your father always had his homework done early, he merely
wants to point out that no matter when it was done, it was always handed
in late.  In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind as
having the most outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including
having to evacuate his home because it was infected with the China
Syndrome.

Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council. 
Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called
"The Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat in
the hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive girl
strode past. Your father was assistant vice president of the club, and,
to our knowledge, is the only past member not currently serving time in
a federal penitentiary.

One thing IS completely verifiable: your father's name is, indeed,
carved above the door to the school.  Please advise that, now that we
have noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at a
cost of approximately three hundred dollars.  We would appreciate it if
your father would agree to pay for the damage without having to engage
lawyers.

The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door, it
hangs outside my office.  I will leave unanswered the question as to
whether his name is upon it.

Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing.  Be
sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.



  When the model asked the teacher to increase her grade from a D, 
what did she get? 
  The clap.



  "Eight long years of college." moaned the budding Yuppette.
"And just who has it gotten me ?"



What is the difference between school and life?
In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test...
In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson. 



How To Do Homework (The Proper Way). . . 

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place 
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you 
understand it. 
  
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to 
help you concentrate. 

4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your 
friend from class.  If your friend hasn't started the paper yet 
either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help 
you concentrate.  If your friend shows you his paper, typed, 
double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through 
plastic folders, drop him. 

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable 
chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly 
sharpened pencils. 

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain 
you understand it. 

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp 
since fourth grade. . You'd better write that letter now and 
get it out of the way so you can concentrate.  

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 

9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-- 
I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 

10. Listen to the other side. 

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 

12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started 
writing yet.   Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, 
the course, the university, and the world at large. 

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted 
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across 
your tongue; savor its special flavor. 

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't 
missing something truly worthwhile on TV.   NOTE: When you 
have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from 
Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly 
worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowler's Tour 
b) any movie starring Don Ameche.  
c) Star Trek 

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.  
Discuss the finer points of the plot. 

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 

19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.   
Ask who everyone is. 

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for 
the future. 

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, 
trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted 
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it. 

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the 
sunrise. 

25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.

26. Leap up and write the paper. 

27. Type the paper. 

28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because 
you had to write the paper. 


 
  A friend of mine studying medicine once told me this story. 
Apparently one day, there was a lab where all the students were 
learning how to identify various cells. As samples they were 
using tissue scraped from the inside of their mouth. One girl 
was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell 
she was seeing under her microscope - eventually she called over
the teaching assistant to identify it.
  He came over, smirked, and exclaimed, loud enough for everyone 
to hear, "Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!"
  She was somewhat more careful after that experience...



  One day our German class was unusually talkative despite repeated
warnings, and our teacher was becoming rather exasperated.  After 
what must have been the sixth or eighth warning, he raised his voice 
to declare, "All right! The next person who talks is going to be
severely castigated."
  The class was then very quiet for a few seconds, at least until a 
girl in the front row asked the teacher, "Mr. T--, how are you going 
to do that to a girl?"

 

  A science teacher set up a simple experiment to show her class the
danger of alcohol. She set up 2 glasses, one containing water, the 
other containing gin. Into each she dropped a worm. The worm in the 
water swam merrily around. The worm in the gin quickly died. 
  "What does this experiment prove?" she asked.
  Little Johnny from the back row piped up: "It proves that if you 
drink gin you won't have worms"



 Words of wisdom....
 Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS.
 He volunteered for high school and college graduates a list of
 eleven things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks
 about how the feel good, politically-correct teachings created
 a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up
 for failure in the real world.

  Rule 1:  Life is not fair; get used to it.

  Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The
  world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE
  you feel good about yourself.

  Rule 3:  You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right
  out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car
  phone until you earn both.

  Rule 4:  If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get
  a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

  Rule 5:  Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
  Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping;
  they called it opportunity.

  Rule 6:  If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't
  whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

  Rule 7:  Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
  as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
  cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool
  you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites
  of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your
  own room.

  Rule 8:  Your school may have done away with winners and losers
  but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades;
  they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer.
  This, of course, doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to
  ANYTHING in real life.

  Rule 9:  Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers
  off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find
  yourself. Do that on your own time.

  Rule 10:  Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually
  have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

  Rule 11:  Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.


 
   You know, my dad always wanted to be an astronaut.  
 So he went to college and took up space.
 




APPLICATION FOR ENTRY TO HILLSDALE COLLEGE, HILLSDALE, MICHIGAN


Name:_________________________________    Nickname: ___Muffy   ___Buffy
                                                    ___Biff    ___Chip

Address:_________________________________ 

Residence Type:  ___Condo  ___Wft?  __Estate  ___Compound

City of Origin:____________________________, State: _____

High School: ______________________________ or ___Home School

Mummy's Name:__________________________  Sorority:_____________________
                                         Mayflower? ___Yes  ___No
                                               DAR? ___Yes  ___No

Daddy's Name:__________________________  Fraternity:___________________

Member Organizations (check all that apply):
  ___Country Club _____________________
  ___Local Christian Church _____________________
  ___NRA
  ___Moral Majority
  ___Christian Coalition
  ___700 Club
  ___Other ______________________________________

Type of Money: ___Old ___New ___California Equity

Reason for Application: ___Money ___Power ___Social Status ___Spite
                        ___Segregationist ____Family's wishes

Planned Major: ___Finance ___Accounting ___Political Science
            ___Mergers and Acquisitions ___Insider Trading ___MRS Degree

Vehicle Information: ___Beemer ___Rolls ___Benz
                ___Don't Know - After all, "that's the chauffer's job!"

Favorite Recreation (check all that apply):
   ___Tax Dodging
   ___Gun Collecting
   ___Conspicuous Consumpution
   ___Listening to Rush
   ___Reading the "National Review"
   ___Attacking Affirmative Action Programs
   ___Watching the "700 Club" on the Family Channel
   ___Giving lip service to "family values"
   ___Fornication (and plenty of it!)
   ___Adultery
   ___Other
_________________________________________________________________

Amount on Dad's Macys Card: ___<10G ___10-30G ___30-50G ___Call his
accountant

Political Ambition: ___Republican ___Republican ___Republican

Favorite Color: ___Plain White      ___Off White
                ___Eggshell White   ___Aryan White

Familar Household Tools: ___Corkscrew ___DVD Remote ___Croissant Wrench

Preferred Beverage:
 ___Latte ___Cappucino ___Espresso ___Chateau Lafitte '69

Personal Relationships (Which of the following gets you hot?):

   ___ "Honey, your American Express Gold Card came today."
   ___ "The Dow is up another 60 points!"
   ___ "Ronnie is running for office again."
   ___ "Sleeping with my in-laws"
   ___ "Sleeping with anyone!"

Self Image/Self Esteem. Would you describe yourself as:

   ___ A Snob
   ___ Shallow and impersonal
   ___ Materialistic and uncaring
   ___ Narcissistic and callous
   ___ Family values hypocrite
   ___ All of the above, and damn proud of it!




What does your teacher call if you run your sentences together and
 never use periods or commas?
Illegal use of ands.



  As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.


 
  After registering for his high-school classes, my son burst into 
the house, filled with excitement.
  "Dad," he announced in one breath, "I got all the classes I wanted. 
But I have to have my school supplies by tomorrow. I need a protractor
and a compass for geometry, a dictionary for English, a dissecting kit
for biology -- and a car for driver's ed." --



  The elderly man went to the high school graduation of his pretty 
granddaughter.  After the ceremonies were over, he joined a group of 
parents who were chatting about the events of the evening. Someone 
asked the man what he thought of the way the teenagers dressed today.
  His reply, "Those mini-skirts are somethin' I'll tell ya. When we 
were high school kids, the only way to tell if a girl was knock-kneed 
was to listen."



  Even now, so many parents are concerned about sex education in the 
schools. What they're not considering though is that if the kids learn 
it the way they learn all the other subjects, they  still won't know 
how to "do it" anyway.



What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy?
One baits his hook, while the other hates his book.



What's black and yellow and full of little Crispy Critters?
A burnt school bus.

 

  According to the U.S. government student loan program's "Exit 
Counseling Guide for Borrowers," I am required by the Federal 
government to notify my school if I graduate.



  The School for the Deaf had just graduated it's newest class of 
21 year-olds. As a celebration, they all went out to a bar for 
drinks. They all sat down at the bar and began to sign their orders 
to the bartender, who was looking at them puzzled. He looked at the 
teacher and said, "I don't know sign language! What are they askin' 
for?"
  The teacher replied, "Just give em what you think is good. Don't 
give em too much, because this is the first time they've ever been 
drinking. Just use your judgement." The teacher got a drink and went 
downstairs to the other teachers, leaving the students at the bar.
  An hour later, the teachers come upstairs, running to the screams 
of the bartender. He was backed against the wall pointing at the 
students and screaming. The students were moaning loudly and waving 
their arms all over the place.
  "What the hell are they doing now???" the bartender asked.
  The teacher observed for a moment. "Ach! I told you not to give 
them too much!! You got them drunk, and now they're singing!"



  An old man decides to go to his highschool's 50 year reunion.
He hasn't seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very
interested to see who might show up. When he gets there he runs 
into his old highschool sweetheart. They sit down at a table and 
talk about the past 25 years.
  "How have you been?" he says.
  "just fine, just fine" She replies. "Although I do have some
good news and bad news for you."
  "Bad news first please"
  "Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back."
  "Oh, that's terrible" He says "What's the good news?"
  "She says "The doctor found your old high school ring you
thought lost."



  While I was a junior in high school, I took chemistry under our
department chairman, Peter Quackenbush McKee. Mr. McKee was sharp,
except for a tendency to do experiments that get out of hand. His most
notable exploit (?) occurred during a demonstration of the thermite
reaction.  This was done in a ceramic "cup" which sat in a sandbox on a
lab bench covered with asbestos paper. In order to give a better idea of
how hot it gets, Mr. McKee put a couple of nails and a couple of brass
screws in the bottom of the cup before filling it with thermite. Well,
actually he filled the cup about half-way with thermite, paused, then
said "Well, let's go all the way" or words to that effect, THEN filled
the cup. This immediately got our attention, since we had seen him in
action before. He then put a little starter mixture on the top, and
stuck a magnesium strip into it. In order that we might see the
proceedings more clearly, he turned out the lights. As he was lighting
the magnesium strip, he advised us, "This may spit a little, so why
don't the guys in the front row move back a little?"
  This was enough to cause the entire class to move to the back wall. 
He shrugged, then lit the strip.
  The magnesium strip burned brightly until it reached the starter
mixture, which sputtered a little, then the thermite caught. It did
indeed spit a little, but as soon as the reaction zone moved below the
surface it all became rather tame. After, say, 15 or 20 seconds, he
remarked that we had gotten excited for nothing.
  Then the reaction zone reached the bottom of the cup.
  Now, thermite is hot enough that the byproducts are molten aluminum
oxide floating in molten iron. This does nothing to iron nails, but it
is hot enough to vaporize brass.
  In the darkened classroom, it looked for all the world like a 
Bessemer converter firing off in a steel mill. Blobs of molten iron 
were scattered across the floor like incandescent blobs of mercury as
everyone tried simultaneously to levitate. Smoke rose from the benchtop,
where puddles of iron had eaten through the asbestos paper, and from the
baseboards where they had caught fire. It was all very impressive and no
one was hurt. What more can one ask from a science experiment?



  The sex ed teacher opened the class with, "I guess y'all are wondering
why we waited until you were seniors before conducting this class in sex
education."
   "Sure !" said Bryan.  "So we can find out what we've been doing wrong 
the past 4 years."

 

Why Sex Is Better Than School

Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins 
and only because they haven't had sex yet.

Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After scchool you feel
like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.

Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress.

Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still
cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

Atleast you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. 
At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!



Ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab
 
Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on
describing the sound to others.

Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does
this taste funny to you?"

Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."

Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

Deny the existence of chemicals.

Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says
exactly the way he/she says it.

Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is
about to pour the sulfuric acid

Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an
interest in federal buildings.



History of Mathematical Education
 
1940: A farmer sells 1 sack of potatoes for 2 dollars...
                     2 sacks for 4 dollars
                     3 for 6
                     4 x 2 = 8
                     5 x 2 = 10 ...
 How much would the farmer receive for 9 sacks?
   (show all arithmetic work)
 How much would the farmer receive for 3.5 sacks 
   at 2.75 dollars per sack?
 How much would the farmer receive for 4.2 sacks 
   at 3.02 dollars per sack?
 How much would the farmer receive for 7.67 sacks 
   at 5.98 dollars per sack?
 
1950: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for $2.00.  The cost
      of producing it is 4/5 of the price. What is the profit?
 
1960: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for $2.00.  The cost
      of producing it is $1.60. Please figure out the profit.

1970: A farmer sells a set of potatoes (A) for a set of
      money (B).  B is the set of all parts of B for which
      is: B is a dime.  In the dash-set, you have to for
      the set of B, do (////////////////////) twenty small
      dashes, one for each dime. The set of the cost of
      producing (C) is sixteen (////////////////) small dashes.
      Draw the set of C as a part set of the set B and give
      the resulting set (D) which gives the answer for the 
      question: What size has the profit set.
 
1980: A farmperson sells a sack of potatoes for $2.00. The cost
      of producing is 4/5 thereof, which is $1.60.  The
      profit is 1/5, equal to $0.40.
      Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss it with your
      math study group. 
 
1990: A farmer can produce a sack of potatoes at a cost of $2.00.
      These potatoes can not be exported due to foreign trade barriers
      and New World Order global policy.  But, the US Government will
      buy them for $1.60 at taxpayers expense and ship them to any
      country that is at war with itself and/or its neighbor. 
      How many potatoes will this farmer have to fry at MacDonalds in
      order to qualify this as a career move after retraining at the
      government's expense? 
      Multiple choice:
       a). is that a LARGE fries?
       b). this answer will be considered a correct answer by all who
           have been deprived of the background experiences necessary
           to know the difference between growing potatoes and frying
           potatoes.
       c). would ye lik somthin to drink with that?
       d). there are insufficient facts to derive more than a
           theoretical exegesis of the presently evolving social
           structure.
       e). is that fer here or ta go?

2000: A US farmer can produce a sack of potatoes at a cost of 2000 yen...



  A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. 
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative 
is still a negative.  However," he pointed out, "there is no 
language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
  A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."




Reasons Why Studying Is Better Than Sex

You can usually find someone to do it with. 

If you get tired, you can stop, save your place,
and pick up where you left off. 

You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. 

When you open a book, you don't have to worry about 
who else has opened it. 

A little coffee and you can do it all night. 

If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain a reputation 
as a "book teaser". 

You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time. 

You don't get embarassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle. 

You don't have to put your beer down to do it. 

If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask
your roommate for help!



FALL EDUCATION COURSES

        SELF IMPROVEMENT                      HOME ECONOMICS

SI101  Creative Suffering         HE401  How to Convert Your Kirby
                                         Vacuum to a Fully Automatic
SI102  Overcoming Peace of Mind          Rifle

SI103  You and Your Birthmark     HE402  How to Convert Your Family
                                         Room to a Garage
SI104  Guilt Without Sex
                                  HE403  Cultivation of Viruses in
SI105  The Primal Shrug                  Your Refrigerator

SI106  Ego Gratification Through  HE404  Burglar proof Your Home With
       Violence                          Concrete

SI107  Molding Your Child's       HE405  Sinus Drainage at Home
       Behavior Through Guilt
       And Fear                   HE406  Basic Kitchen Taxidermy

SI108  Dealing with Post -        HE407  1001 Uses for Your Vacuum
       Realization Depression
                                  HE408  Repair and Maintenance of
SI109  Whine Your Way to                 Your Virginity
       Alienation
                                  HE409  How to Convert a Wheelchair
SI110  How to Overcome Self -            to a Dune Buggy
       Doubt Through Pretense
       And Ostentation            HE410  Christianity and the Art of
                                         RV Maintenance

       BUSINESS AND CAREER        HE411  Cat Hair Macrame

BC201  How I Made $100 in Real    HE412  What to Do With Your
       Estate                            Conversation Pit

BC202  Money Can Make You Rich    HEALTH AND HYGIENE

BC203  Packaging and Selling      HH501  Creative Tooth Decay
       Your Child
                                  HH502  Exorcisms and Acne
BC204  Career Opportunities
       In EL Salvador             HH503  The Joys of Hypochondria

BC205  How to Profit from Your    HH504  High Fiber Sex
       Own Body
                                  HH505  Suicide and Your Health
BC206  The Underachievers'
       Guide to Very Small        HH506  Biofeedback - How to Stop It
       Business Opportunities
                                  HH507  Skate Yourself to Regularity
BC207  Looter's Guide to
       American Cities            HH508  Understanding Nudity

BC208  Mortgage Reduction         HH509  Tap Dance Your Way to
       Through Arson                     Social Ridicule

       ARTS AND CRAFTS            HH510  Optional Body Functions

AC301  Self-Actualization         HH511  Aerobics for Low Fliers
       Through Macrame
                                  HH512  Dressing Right, Dressing
AC302  Needlecraft for Junkies           Left - How to Change Your
                                         Appearance
AC303  Cuticle Crafts
                                  HH513  Braille System of the
AC304  Gifts for the Senile              Female Body

AC305  Bonsai Your Pet

AC306  How to Draw Genitalia
---------------------------------------------------------------------
NAME _________________________________________  SSN (___)_(__)_(____)

ADDRESS ___________________________________  PHONE (___)-(___)-(____)

COURSE NUMBER(S) ______  _____  ______  ______  ______




College Courses

  Home courses on Advanced Sexual Techniques 101 now available. Our
instructors even make bed er I mean house calls.  A certificate of 
fitness from your doctor is necessary before taking the course. The 
course curriculum is as follows:

 1) Eye Contact (looky that babe over there - wink wink nudge nudge)
 2) Initial Greeting (haven't I seen you somewhere before?)
 3) Conversation (your place or mine)
 4) Decision Making (your place)
 5) Warming Up (whispering sweet nothings)
 6) Decision Making Second Level (the couch or the bed)
 7) Foreplay (you rub mine and I'll rub yours)
 8) Advanced Foreplay - Oral Sex
 9) Oral Problems (Male) - what to do if you cum and how to say you 
    are sorry and actually sound like you mean it when you really don't
10) Oral Problems (Female) - (spit or swallow)
11) Initial Sexual Contact - The Entry Maneuver (this won't hurt a bit)
12) Advanced Sexual Contact - Stamina, Penetration and Motion
13) Advanced Sexual Contact - Simultaneous Orgasm
14) Problems - What to do if she cums first or last
15) Relaxation Techniques - what to do between sessions
16) The Second Round - Resuming and Maintaining Arousal
17) The Third Round - (advanced course certificate required)
18) Cuddling and Soothing (why you should not fall asleep right away)
19) The Next Morning - (restart at step 5 for advanced sexual athletes)
20) Parting is such sweet sorrow - how to say good-bye and thanks for 
    the fun

  Advanced Sexual Techniques 102 covers such subjects as the 6 basic
sexual positions, sex toys, bondage and how to enjoy mild S&M for
increased sexual enjoyment.  Advanced oral arousal is also covered in
detail.  Anatomical diagrams of male and female sex organs will be
supplied.  Anal sex will also be covered.  A side course dealing with
acceptable lubricants will be covered.

  Advanced Course for Olympic Class Sexual Athletes is being prepared
and will be posted if there are any survivors oops!!  I mean graduates 
of course level 102.  Course content is unknown at this time but a 
tentative course outline being considered is group sex (sex with two 
men and one women and two women and one man.  Sex with multiple 
partners) How to have sex with an audience in attendance.

  A course in refereeing is also available for Olympic judges.  Course
outline being considered is scoring in such areas as initial contact,
foreplay, penetration, stamina, multiple orgasms, how to tell a fake
orgasm, oral sex, sexual positions (mandatory and free style), physical
attributes of athletes, inventiveness and acrobatics.  How to rate sex
toys and other novelties will also be covered as will recipes of body 
oils used for stimulation and lubricants used in free style events 
using various body orifices.

  For more information please contact Kathleen.  All material will be
sent under plain brown wrapper for a fee of $50 (fifty dollars) in
Canadian funds.  This fee can be used toward the first of your lessons.

  Course rules are as follows.  All students regardless of experience
must take course 101. Applications for level jumping will be considered
after this introduction course.  All instructions from the instructor 
must be followed to the letter except in the Olympic Athlete Class 
course where initiative and inventiveness is encouraged. All applicants
for the judges course must successfully pass level 102. 




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