As they left the auditorium after a two-hour lecture on nineteenth-century English poets, the wife exclaimed, "Didn't it make your mind soar?" "Yes," her husband agreed grimly, "and my backside, too!" What one question will you never hear in Parochial School? "What are you wearing tomorrow?" An Aggie was put in charge of the hiring of a new math teacher. There were three applicants for the job, a Del Mar Graduate, a Texas A&M Graduate, and a Harvard graduate. The Del Mar applicant had the first interview. "If you want to be a math teacher," the aggie asked, "you need to be able to prove that you know math. Tell me something mathematical." "UH..okay," replied the applicant. "One plus one equals two." "Very impressive," said the aggie. "I have to interview the other 2 applicants, but I think you'll get the job." So the Del Mar applicant leaves. The A&M graduate is interviewed next. He is asked the same question. "Uh...three times three is nine," answeres the applicant. "Wow," says the aggie. "That was even better than the last applicant. I have one more person to interview, but I think you have the best chance of getting this job." So the A&M applicant leaves. The Harvard applicant, having overheard the two previous interviews, knows he is smarter than both the Del Mar and A&M graduates. "I have to think of something really smart and the job is surely mine!", he says to himself. So finally it is his turn to be interviewed. He too is asked for something mathematical. "Pi-R-Squared," he answered confidentely. "Uh..I'm sorry," says the aggie. "but you are not qualified for this job." "What do you mean?!?!?," exclaimed the applicant. The aggie replies, "Everyone knows that pies are round." The Best and Worst Course Comments Received "This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith." "Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor." "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree." "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame." "Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it." "Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term." "In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it." "Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot." "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him." "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room." "In class the syllabus is more important than you are." "I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class." "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!" "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material." "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever." "He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure." "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree." "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high." "This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays." "Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in." "Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted." "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon." "TA steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up." "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it." "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the text." "What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality paper.'" This assignment was actually turned in by two English students: Rebecca and Gary English 44A SMU - Creative Writing - Prof Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The story begins ... At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question. Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to eostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterward, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities toward the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!" This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. You total $*&. Stupid %$! Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not taught was that she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used by Gallop and others. It started when she asked a group of colonists what they thought of the flag she had made. This was the origin of ... the flag poll. The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at M.I.T.. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day. There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!" At a PTA Meeting it was explained to the parents how the sex education classes would proceed and what the overall content would be. The Principal advised the parents to closely follow-up with their children, especially to see if they had any questions. That night, one parent decided to put it into action. He called his older son into the study and requested that he instruct his younger brother about the "birds and the bees" talk he gave to his son two years ago; thinking to spare himself the ordeal all over again. The boy agreed and rushed off to talk with his younger brother. "Hey Herman," he said, "Want to know something ?" "What?" the younger lad asked. "You know how a man and a woman get together when they want to have kids?" "Yeah?" "Well... Father wants me to tell you that birds and flowers do the same thing." When Stan Kegel was in college, for a class project in genetics, he wanted to develop a turkey that had bigger drumsticks. Failure after failure resulted, until he finally crossed a turkey with an ostrich. Its drumsticks were large enuff, but the bird kept hiding its head in the yams. A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day there was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The upperclassman responded, "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions." The Georgian then replied, "Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole?" A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper would be an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. These were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom raised his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As expected, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand. A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details. To emphasize his point, Sir Osler announced: "This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers." He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case." The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown. Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying: "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!" A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class. Students were quick to comment on the professor's genetics. Well, one day a student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the prof was writing notes on the chalkboard. The professor caught the student out of the corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the rumours of his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded, "What do you think you're doing?". Being a science student, one naturally thinks quickly, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the back to get a better look at the board". The prof smiled. Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (& attend!). On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK", and signed the card. It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars return to class." A Pharmacy Sophomore was taking a course in dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as "Take with food" and "Take with water." At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels. Days later she noticed that a classmate had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read, "Caution: may cause drowsiness." An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk. The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of the building. Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studing for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!" "Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit." Pavlov's Birds - A True Story There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated. A university professor is giving a long and particularly boring lecture, and one of the students in the front row, of course, falls asleep. The professor says to the student next to him, "young man, would you be kind enough to wake up the fellow next to you?" The kid replies, "Why should I? You put him to sleep!" A student, needing some knowledge, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of learning pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill, swallows it, and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow." On abnormal psychology In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. She posed this question to her students: "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A coach?" For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university. He knocked on the first door and a man answered. "Sir, what is your name?" asked the student "John." "Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in bath," Came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again. "Sir, what is your name?" "Jeff!" , "Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?" "Watching bubbles in bath," was the answer. Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in bath". He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey. At the first house, he knocks and an attractive colleg girl opens the door. Our surveyor starts agins - "What is your name?" "Bubbles !" A professor at a local university has just received a large grant to study the effectiveness of kevlar army helmets against bullet impact. I hear he's looking for more grad students... "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" "Elation." "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy up"..... Any student who ever sat or slept trough a mathematics course knows that certain words and phrases occur very frequently. This glossary might eliminate some confusion. When the instructor says He really means ------------------------ --------------- trivial The student might be able to do it in three hours or so. simple An "A" student can do it in a week or so. easy This topic would make a good master's thesis. clear The instructor can do it (he thinks). obvious The instructor is sure it is in his notes somewhere. certainly The instructor saw one of his instructors do it, but has completely forgotten how it was done. left as an exercise The instructor lost his notes. for the student is well known The instructor heard that someone once did it. can be shown The instructor thinks it might be true, but has no idea how to prove it. the diligent student It is an unsolved problem - can show probably harder than Fermat's Last Theorem. Texas A & M University officials are conducting a survey to see if they should continue the bonfire tradition... So far, they've only poled 12 students. While we are waiting for the official word on the best selling toy this holiday season, it seems that the worst selling licences this holiday season in Aggietown were the Texas A&M special edition Lincon Logs and Texas A&M Jenga set. Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time... "Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things.... What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother." A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles university was quizzing a group of students on Red Cross life saving and water safety techniques. They answered all of her questions easily until she posed this one: "Which article of clothing would you remove last if you were catapulted from a boat or dock fully clothed?" Everyone mentioned something different. It was evident that no one knew the correct answer, so the instructor helped out. "The blouse," she said, "because the air gets under the blouse and acts like a buoy!" The subsequent uproar ended the class. Dear Mr. Cameron: As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently wrote your 15 year old daughter in response to a query we received from her. Dear Ms. Cameron. Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your father's old high school is still standing and our library was able to find yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a few teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a moment. In answer to your first question: In every picture extant of your father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth shoes" back then. Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow generally lasting from December until March--hardly the entire school year. Thus his descriptions of the conditions under which he "struggled" to school in the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit exaggerated. In fact, our bus logs are (remarkably) still intact, revealing that not only was your father a registered passenger, but that his parents paid the extra ten dollars a month for door-to-door delivery. I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed," as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell bottom blue jeans with white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal rents in the knees, and no belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a message easily communicated with hand gestures. His hair hangs past his shoulders and looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind - perhaps he rode the school bus with the window open. As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember the times: the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of your father's elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship", "Ecology", and one which apparently was called "Relevance". We have no record of what, if anything, was taught in these classes. What records we do have show that your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he claims. In fact, he took it his sophomore year, repeated it his junior year and repeated the course again his senior year - Geometry was required for graduation. Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems of Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the claim that your father always had his homework done early, he merely wants to point out that no matter when it was done, it was always handed in late. In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind as having the most outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including having to evacuate his home because it was infected with the China Syndrome. Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council. Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called "The Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat in the hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive girl strode past. Your father was assistant vice president of the club, and, to our knowledge, is the only past member not currently serving time in a federal penitentiary. One thing IS completely verifiable: your father's name is, indeed, carved above the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we have noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at a cost of approximately three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it if your father would agree to pay for the damage without having to engage lawyers. The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door, it hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as to whether his name is upon it. Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins. When the model asked the teacher to increase her grade from a D, what did she get? The clap. "Eight long years of college." moaned the budding Yuppette. "And just who has it gotten me ?" What is the difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test... In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson. How To Do Homework (The Proper Way). . . 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. . You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-- I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 10. Listen to the other side. 11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large. 13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche. c) Star Trek 16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it. 24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs. 26. Leap up and write the paper. 27. Type the paper. 28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper. A friend of mine studying medicine once told me this story. Apparently one day, there was a lab where all the students were learning how to identify various cells. As samples they were using tissue scraped from the inside of their mouth. One girl was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell she was seeing under her microscope - eventually she called over the teaching assistant to identify it. He came over, smirked, and exclaimed, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!" She was somewhat more careful after that experience... One day our German class was unusually talkative despite repeated warnings, and our teacher was becoming rather exasperated. After what must have been the sixth or eighth warning, he raised his voice to declare, "All right! The next person who talks is going to be severely castigated." The class was then very quiet for a few seconds, at least until a girl in the front row asked the teacher, "Mr. T--, how are you going to do that to a girl?" A science teacher set up a simple experiment to show her class the danger of alcohol. She set up 2 glasses, one containing water, the other containing gin. Into each she dropped a worm. The worm in the water swam merrily around. The worm in the gin quickly died. "What does this experiment prove?" she asked. Little Johnny from the back row piped up: "It proves that if you drink gin you won't have worms" Words of wisdom.... Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered for high school and college graduates a list of eleven things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how the feel good, politically-correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it. Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. You know, my dad always wanted to be an astronaut. So he went to college and took up space. APPLICATION FOR ENTRY TO HILLSDALE COLLEGE, HILLSDALE, MICHIGAN Name:_________________________________ Nickname: ___Muffy ___Buffy ___Biff ___Chip Address:_________________________________ Residence Type: ___Condo ___Wft? __Estate ___Compound City of Origin:____________________________, State: _____ High School: ______________________________ or ___Home School Mummy's Name:__________________________ Sorority:_____________________ Mayflower? ___Yes ___No DAR? ___Yes ___No Daddy's Name:__________________________ Fraternity:___________________ Member Organizations (check all that apply): ___Country Club _____________________ ___Local Christian Church _____________________ ___NRA ___Moral Majority ___Christian Coalition ___700 Club ___Other ______________________________________ Type of Money: ___Old ___New ___California Equity Reason for Application: ___Money ___Power ___Social Status ___Spite ___Segregationist ____Family's wishes Planned Major: ___Finance ___Accounting ___Political Science ___Mergers and Acquisitions ___Insider Trading ___MRS Degree Vehicle Information: ___Beemer ___Rolls ___Benz ___Don't Know - After all, "that's the chauffer's job!" Favorite Recreation (check all that apply): ___Tax Dodging ___Gun Collecting ___Conspicuous Consumpution ___Listening to Rush ___Reading the "National Review" ___Attacking Affirmative Action Programs ___Watching the "700 Club" on the Family Channel ___Giving lip service to "family values" ___Fornication (and plenty of it!) ___Adultery ___Other _________________________________________________________________ Amount on Dad's Macys Card: ___<10G ___10-30G ___30-50G ___Call his accountant Political Ambition: ___Republican ___Republican ___Republican Favorite Color: ___Plain White ___Off White ___Eggshell White ___Aryan White Familar Household Tools: ___Corkscrew ___DVD Remote ___Croissant Wrench Preferred Beverage: ___Latte ___Cappucino ___Espresso ___Chateau Lafitte '69 Personal Relationships (Which of the following gets you hot?): ___ "Honey, your American Express Gold Card came today." ___ "The Dow is up another 60 points!" ___ "Ronnie is running for office again." ___ "Sleeping with my in-laws" ___ "Sleeping with anyone!" Self Image/Self Esteem. Would you describe yourself as: ___ A Snob ___ Shallow and impersonal ___ Materialistic and uncaring ___ Narcissistic and callous ___ Family values hypocrite ___ All of the above, and damn proud of it! What does your teacher call if you run your sentences together and never use periods or commas? Illegal use of ands. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. After registering for his high-school classes, my son burst into the house, filled with excitement. "Dad," he announced in one breath, "I got all the classes I wanted. But I have to have my school supplies by tomorrow. I need a protractor and a compass for geometry, a dictionary for English, a dissecting kit for biology -- and a car for driver's ed." -- The elderly man went to the high school graduation of his pretty granddaughter. After the ceremonies were over, he joined a group of parents who were chatting about the events of the evening. Someone asked the man what he thought of the way the teenagers dressed today. His reply, "Those mini-skirts are somethin' I'll tell ya. When we were high school kids, the only way to tell if a girl was knock-kneed was to listen." Even now, so many parents are concerned about sex education in the schools. What they're not considering though is that if the kids learn it the way they learn all the other subjects, they still won't know how to "do it" anyway. What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook, while the other hates his book. What's black and yellow and full of little Crispy Critters? A burnt school bus. According to the U.S. government student loan program's "Exit Counseling Guide for Borrowers," I am required by the Federal government to notify my school if I graduate. The School for the Deaf had just graduated it's newest class of 21 year-olds. As a celebration, they all went out to a bar for drinks. They all sat down at the bar and began to sign their orders to the bartender, who was looking at them puzzled. He looked at the teacher and said, "I don't know sign language! What are they askin' for?" The teacher replied, "Just give em what you think is good. Don't give em too much, because this is the first time they've ever been drinking. Just use your judgement." The teacher got a drink and went downstairs to the other teachers, leaving the students at the bar. An hour later, the teachers come upstairs, running to the screams of the bartender. He was backed against the wall pointing at the students and screaming. The students were moaning loudly and waving their arms all over the place. "What the hell are they doing now???" the bartender asked. The teacher observed for a moment. "Ach! I told you not to give them too much!! You got them drunk, and now they're singing!" An old man decides to go to his highschool's 50 year reunion. He hasn't seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old highschool sweetheart. They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years. "How have you been?" he says. "just fine, just fine" She replies. "Although I do have some good news and bad news for you." "Bad news first please" "Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back." "Oh, that's terrible" He says "What's the good news?" "She says "The doctor found your old high school ring you thought lost." While I was a junior in high school, I took chemistry under our department chairman, Peter Quackenbush McKee. Mr. McKee was sharp, except for a tendency to do experiments that get out of hand. His most notable exploit (?) occurred during a demonstration of the thermite reaction. This was done in a ceramic "cup" which sat in a sandbox on a lab bench covered with asbestos paper. In order to give a better idea of how hot it gets, Mr. McKee put a couple of nails and a couple of brass screws in the bottom of the cup before filling it with thermite. Well, actually he filled the cup about half-way with thermite, paused, then said "Well, let's go all the way" or words to that effect, THEN filled the cup. This immediately got our attention, since we had seen him in action before. He then put a little starter mixture on the top, and stuck a magnesium strip into it. In order that we might see the proceedings more clearly, he turned out the lights. As he was lighting the magnesium strip, he advised us, "This may spit a little, so why don't the guys in the front row move back a little?" This was enough to cause the entire class to move to the back wall. He shrugged, then lit the strip. The magnesium strip burned brightly until it reached the starter mixture, which sputtered a little, then the thermite caught. It did indeed spit a little, but as soon as the reaction zone moved below the surface it all became rather tame. After, say, 15 or 20 seconds, he remarked that we had gotten excited for nothing. Then the reaction zone reached the bottom of the cup. Now, thermite is hot enough that the byproducts are molten aluminum oxide floating in molten iron. This does nothing to iron nails, but it is hot enough to vaporize brass. In the darkened classroom, it looked for all the world like a Bessemer converter firing off in a steel mill. Blobs of molten iron were scattered across the floor like incandescent blobs of mercury as everyone tried simultaneously to levitate. Smoke rose from the benchtop, where puddles of iron had eaten through the asbestos paper, and from the baseboards where they had caught fire. It was all very impressive and no one was hurt. What more can one ask from a science experiment? The sex ed teacher opened the class with, "I guess y'all are wondering why we waited until you were seniors before conducting this class in sex education." "Sure !" said Bryan. "So we can find out what we've been doing wrong the past 4 years." Why Sex Is Better Than School Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After scchool you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition. Atleast you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!! Ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?" Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK." Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again." When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!" Deny the existence of chemicals. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings. History of Mathematical Education 1940: A farmer sells 1 sack of potatoes for 2 dollars... 2 sacks for 4 dollars 3 for 6 4 x 2 = 8 5 x 2 = 10 ... How much would the farmer receive for 9 sacks? (show all arithmetic work) How much would the farmer receive for 3.5 sacks at 2.75 dollars per sack? How much would the farmer receive for 4.2 sacks at 3.02 dollars per sack? How much would the farmer receive for 7.67 sacks at 5.98 dollars per sack? 1950: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for $2.00. The cost of producing it is 4/5 of the price. What is the profit? 1960: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes for $2.00. The cost of producing it is $1.60. Please figure out the profit. 1970: A farmer sells a set of potatoes (A) for a set of money (B). B is the set of all parts of B for which is: B is a dime. In the dash-set, you have to for the set of B, do (////////////////////) twenty small dashes, one for each dime. The set of the cost of producing (C) is sixteen (////////////////) small dashes. Draw the set of C as a part set of the set B and give the resulting set (D) which gives the answer for the question: What size has the profit set. 1980: A farmperson sells a sack of potatoes for $2.00. The cost of producing is 4/5 thereof, which is $1.60. The profit is 1/5, equal to $0.40. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss it with your math study group. 1990: A farmer can produce a sack of potatoes at a cost of $2.00. These potatoes can not be exported due to foreign trade barriers and New World Order global policy. But, the US Government will buy them for $1.60 at taxpayers expense and ship them to any country that is at war with itself and/or its neighbor. How many potatoes will this farmer have to fry at MacDonalds in order to qualify this as a career move after retraining at the government's expense? Multiple choice: a). is that a LARGE fries? b). this answer will be considered a correct answer by all who have been deprived of the background experiences necessary to know the difference between growing potatoes and frying potatoes. c). would ye lik somthin to drink with that? d). there are insufficient facts to derive more than a theoretical exegesis of the presently evolving social structure. e). is that fer here or ta go? 2000: A US farmer can produce a sack of potatoes at a cost of 2000 yen... A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right." Reasons Why Studying Is Better Than Sex You can usually find someone to do it with. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it. A little coffee and you can do it all night. If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser". You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time. You don't get embarassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle. You don't have to put your beer down to do it. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help! FALL EDUCATION COURSES SELF IMPROVEMENT HOME ECONOMICS SI101 Creative Suffering HE401 How to Convert Your Kirby Vacuum to a Fully Automatic SI102 Overcoming Peace of Mind Rifle SI103 You and Your Birthmark HE402 How to Convert Your Family Room to a Garage SI104 Guilt Without Sex HE403 Cultivation of Viruses in SI105 The Primal Shrug Your Refrigerator SI106 Ego Gratification Through HE404 Burglar proof Your Home With Violence Concrete SI107 Molding Your Child's HE405 Sinus Drainage at Home Behavior Through Guilt And Fear HE406 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy SI108 Dealing with Post - HE407 1001 Uses for Your Vacuum Realization Depression HE408 Repair and Maintenance of SI109 Whine Your Way to Your Virginity Alienation HE409 How to Convert a Wheelchair SI110 How to Overcome Self - to a Dune Buggy Doubt Through Pretense And Ostentation HE410 Christianity and the Art of RV Maintenance BUSINESS AND CAREER HE411 Cat Hair Macrame BC201 How I Made $100 in Real HE412 What to Do With Your Estate Conversation Pit BC202 Money Can Make You Rich HEALTH AND HYGIENE BC203 Packaging and Selling HH501 Creative Tooth Decay Your Child HH502 Exorcisms and Acne BC204 Career Opportunities In EL Salvador HH503 The Joys of Hypochondria BC205 How to Profit from Your HH504 High Fiber Sex Own Body HH505 Suicide and Your Health BC206 The Underachievers' Guide to Very Small HH506 Biofeedback - How to Stop It Business Opportunities HH507 Skate Yourself to Regularity BC207 Looter's Guide to American Cities HH508 Understanding Nudity BC208 Mortgage Reduction HH509 Tap Dance Your Way to Through Arson Social Ridicule ARTS AND CRAFTS HH510 Optional Body Functions AC301 Self-Actualization HH511 Aerobics for Low Fliers Through Macrame HH512 Dressing Right, Dressing AC302 Needlecraft for Junkies Left - How to Change Your Appearance AC303 Cuticle Crafts HH513 Braille System of the AC304 Gifts for the Senile Female Body AC305 Bonsai Your Pet AC306 How to Draw Genitalia --------------------------------------------------------------------- NAME _________________________________________ SSN (___)_(__)_(____) ADDRESS ___________________________________ PHONE (___)-(___)-(____) COURSE NUMBER(S) ______ _____ ______ ______ ______ College Courses Home courses on Advanced Sexual Techniques 101 now available. Our instructors even make bed er I mean house calls. A certificate of fitness from your doctor is necessary before taking the course. The course curriculum is as follows: 1) Eye Contact (looky that babe over there - wink wink nudge nudge) 2) Initial Greeting (haven't I seen you somewhere before?) 3) Conversation (your place or mine) 4) Decision Making (your place) 5) Warming Up (whispering sweet nothings) 6) Decision Making Second Level (the couch or the bed) 7) Foreplay (you rub mine and I'll rub yours) 8) Advanced Foreplay - Oral Sex 9) Oral Problems (Male) - what to do if you cum and how to say you are sorry and actually sound like you mean it when you really don't 10) Oral Problems (Female) - (spit or swallow) 11) Initial Sexual Contact - The Entry Maneuver (this won't hurt a bit) 12) Advanced Sexual Contact - Stamina, Penetration and Motion 13) Advanced Sexual Contact - Simultaneous Orgasm 14) Problems - What to do if she cums first or last 15) Relaxation Techniques - what to do between sessions 16) The Second Round - Resuming and Maintaining Arousal 17) The Third Round - (advanced course certificate required) 18) Cuddling and Soothing (why you should not fall asleep right away) 19) The Next Morning - (restart at step 5 for advanced sexual athletes) 20) Parting is such sweet sorrow - how to say good-bye and thanks for the fun Advanced Sexual Techniques 102 covers such subjects as the 6 basic sexual positions, sex toys, bondage and how to enjoy mild S&M for increased sexual enjoyment. Advanced oral arousal is also covered in detail. Anatomical diagrams of male and female sex organs will be supplied. Anal sex will also be covered. A side course dealing with acceptable lubricants will be covered. Advanced Course for Olympic Class Sexual Athletes is being prepared and will be posted if there are any survivors oops!! I mean graduates of course level 102. Course content is unknown at this time but a tentative course outline being considered is group sex (sex with two men and one women and two women and one man. Sex with multiple partners) How to have sex with an audience in attendance. A course in refereeing is also available for Olympic judges. Course outline being considered is scoring in such areas as initial contact, foreplay, penetration, stamina, multiple orgasms, how to tell a fake orgasm, oral sex, sexual positions (mandatory and free style), physical attributes of athletes, inventiveness and acrobatics. How to rate sex toys and other novelties will also be covered as will recipes of body oils used for stimulation and lubricants used in free style events using various body orifices. For more information please contact Kathleen. All material will be sent under plain brown wrapper for a fee of $50 (fifty dollars) in Canadian funds. This fee can be used toward the first of your lessons. Course rules are as follows. All students regardless of experience must take course 101. Applications for level jumping will be considered after this introduction course. All instructions from the instructor must be followed to the letter except in the Olympic Athlete Class course where initiative and inventiveness is encouraged. All applicants for the judges course must successfully pass level 102. |
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