How Universities Grade Their Final Exams
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and
turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade
that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
- Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should
receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student
has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else
the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor
play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A. ( I wish I was here)
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately
known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it
past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry
and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before
finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to
go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did
this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything,
they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until
early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did
was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they
missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they
had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't
get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk
thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on
the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each
of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy."
They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared,
however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said, (95 points) Which tire?
City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Final Exam
Name: _____________ Alias: _____________ Gang: _____________
1) Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out
of ten shots and shoots 13 rounds at every drive-by shooting, how
many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
What is the maximum number of people he can hit?
2) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Ricky for
$320, and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. How many ounces does
he have left? What is the street value of the remaining coke?
3) Rufus is pimping three girls. If his cut is $65 per trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his
$800 per day crack habit?
4) Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more
profit. How many ounces will he need?
5) Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100
for a 4 x 4 If he has stolen 2 BMW's and three 4 x 4's, how many
Chevys will he have to steal to make $1000?
6) Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He was paid
$10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per
month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison (with
time off for good behavior/overcrowding) and how many years will he
get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7) If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average
letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray if he
steals 3 full cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?
8) Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There are 28 girls
in the gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?
9) Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night.
She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month
rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up
with her expenses?
10) Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at
$25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how
much money will he lose by jumping bail?
11) Tom is out torching winos. If it takes 1 pint of gasoline to
torch one wino, and Tom's gas can holds 2 1/2 gallons, how many
winos can Tom torch, before refueling?
12) Eddie is hustling pool at $250 per game. How many games will
Eddie have to win to pay his emergency room visit after the guys
find out he's a pool shark?
Bonus Questions:
Using the information is question #6, how many actual days will
Paul serve using the Early Prison Release Formula?
Using the information in question #11, assuming gasoline costs
$1.29 per gallon, how much would it cost to torch 5 winos?
I once heard tell that on one occasion on the Oxford (University)
entrance exam there was this question: "Is this a question?"
The guy who did best on the exam is supposed to have answered:
"If this is an answer."
Is Hell Endo or exothermic?
A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a
graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored
with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humour, he set
a single question on the sheet:
Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof.
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results,
but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a
reasonable and consistant reply to his querry. One A was awarded.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have
some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.
So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are
souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls
entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in
the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant. There are two possible conditions. One, if hell is
expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell,
then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially
until all hell breaks loose. Conversely, if hell is expanding at a
rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature
and pressure will drop until hell freezes over, condition two.
We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the
girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since
I have still not been sucessful in obtaining sexual relations with
her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be
concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.
The student got an A.
(Sung to the tune "Yesterday")
Yesterday,
all my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.
Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.
I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come to-
morrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...
Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.
What I
have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb..
... there goes my "A"...
Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
oh, how I long for Yesterday.
A blonde reports for his University final examination that consists
of Y/N type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his
wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.
Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class
is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately
throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going
to have time to finish rechecking my answers!"
Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam?)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work.
Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use
the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a
jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at
max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.
Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers
into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.
Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one,
make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to
let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage
of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)
Qualifying Examination
Instructions: Read each question carefully.
Answer all questions.
Begin immediately.
Time Limit: 4 hours.
1. History
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social,
political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe,
Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
2. Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your
work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
3. Public Speaking
2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them.
You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
4. Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if
this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with
special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary
system. Prove your thesis.
5. Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and
drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
6. Psychology
Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations
of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II,
Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations
from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not
necessary to translate.
7. Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of
the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
8. Management Science
Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create
a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions.
Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to
activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all
necessary control programs.
9. Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a
box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed
in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to
the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared
to justify your decision.
10. Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the
possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the
Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for
preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible
points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as
demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
11. Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.
Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
12. Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
13. Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of
the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
14. Modern Physics
Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to
prove your position.
15. Philosophy
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance.
Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
16. Foreign Affairs
It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that
only a foreign war can restore America's lost national consensus.
Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the
conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the
aggressor in the situation. Discuss the pros and cons.
17. Art
Explain Mona Lisa's smile.
18. Juris Prudence
In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the leader of the
populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a
successful coup d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers". In light
of the present populist mood in the United States, assess the utility
and any potential impact of such a policy today.
19. Religion
Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam
and Eve, and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your position
fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Anglican
bishop will moderate this debate.
20. General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Extra Credit
Define the Universe. Give three examples.
Alternate SATs For Athletes
College Entrance Exam - Time Limit 3 Weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
*You must answer 3 or more questions correctly to qualify for admission.
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at
the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out
new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination
was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor
was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his
desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would
fail.
One half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said,
as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and
began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students
filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued
writing.
A half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who
was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to
put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air
of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of
superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.
During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept
looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This
went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other
choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit.
"Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting
written on your palm?"
"Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."
The rules at a particular university were if the professor was not
present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was
considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave with no
penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped"
ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. Also, these clocks
were not of the most sophisticated construction. A few enterprising
students discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard
erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take
target practice at the clock (since a particular professor was not
the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-
minded"). A few well aimed erasers, causing 15 minutes to pass, and
class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told the students,
"You have 1 hour to complete."
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the
room, and gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully
"jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected
the exam papers.
Life does teach some lessons the hard way.
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