Exam Jokes

Exam Jokes

How Universities Grade Their Final Exams

- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. 

- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and 
turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade 
that comes to mind. 

- All students get the same grade they got last year. 

- Grade is determined by God. 

- What is a grade? 

- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should 
receive an A. 

- Grades are variable. 

- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student
has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else 
the student will not receive an A. 

- Random number generator determines grade. 

- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor
play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). 

- Everybody gets an A. ( I wish I was here) 

  Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion 
years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately 
known as "Bonkistry."  He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it 
past him to come up with something like this.
  Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry 
and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two 
friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before 
finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to 
go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.  So they did 
this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything,
they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until 
early Monday morning.  Rather than taking the final then, what they did 
was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they 
missed the final.  They told him that they went up to UVa for the 
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they 
had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't 
get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk 
thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on 
the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved.
  So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that 
Bonk had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed each 
of them a test booklet and told them to begin.  They looked at the first
problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy."
  They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, 
however, for what they saw on the next page. 
  It said, (95 points) Which tire?

City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Final Exam

Name: _____________   Alias: _____________   Gang: _____________

1)  Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip.  If he misses 6 out 
of ten shots and shoots 13 rounds at every drive-by shooting, how 
many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?  
What is the maximum number of people he can hit?

2)  Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Ricky for 
$320, and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram.  How many ounces does 
he have left?  What is the street value of the remaining coke?

3)  Rufus is pimping three girls.  If his cut is $65 per trick, how 
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his 
$800 per day crack habit?

4)  Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more 
profit.  How many ounces will he need?

5)  Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 
for a 4 x 4 If he has stolen 2 BMW's and three 4 x 4's, how many 
Chevys will he have to steal to make $1000?

6)  Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder.  He was paid 
$10,000 for the hit.  If his common law wife is spending $100 per 
month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison (with 
time off for good behavior/overcrowding) and how many years will he 
get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7)  If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average 
letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray if he 
steals 3 full cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?

8)  Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang.  There are 28 girls 
in the gang.  What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?

9)  Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night.  
She gets $234 a month welfare for each child.  If her $325 per month 
rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up 
with her expenses?

10) Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at 
$25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how 
much money will he lose by jumping bail?

11) Tom is out torching winos.  If it takes 1 pint of gasoline to 
torch one wino, and Tom's gas can holds 2 1/2 gallons, how many 
winos can Tom torch, before refueling?

12)  Eddie is hustling pool at $250 per game. How many games will 
Eddie have to win to pay his emergency room visit after the guys 
find out he's a pool shark?

Bonus Questions:
Using the information is question #6, how many actual days will 
Paul serve using the Early Prison Release Formula?

Using the information in question #11,  assuming gasoline costs 
$1.29 per gallon, how much would it cost to torch 5 winos?

  I once heard tell that on one occasion on the Oxford (University) 
entrance exam there was this question: "Is this a question?"
  The guy who did best on the exam is supposed to have answered: 
"If this is an answer."

Is Hell Endo or exothermic?

  A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a
graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored
with it all, and with a well kept and wry sense of humour, he set 
a single question on the sheet:
Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof.
  He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, 
but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a 
reasonable and consistant reply to his querry.  One A was awarded.
  Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's 
Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:
  First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have 
some mass.  If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.  
So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are 
souls leaving? 
  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, 
it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls 
entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in 
the world today.
  Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their 
religion, you will go to hell.  Since there are more than one of these 
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can 
project that all people and all souls go to hell.
  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number 
of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
  Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law 
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay 
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay 
constant. There are two possible conditions.  One, if hell is 
expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, 
then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially 
until all hell breaks loose.  Conversely, if hell is expanding at a 
rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature 
and pressure will drop until hell freezes over, condition two.
  We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the 
girl who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since 
I have still not been sucessful in obtaining sexual relations with 
her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be 
concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.
  The student got an A.

(Sung to the tune "Yesterday")

all my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.

I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.

I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come to-
morrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...

This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.

What I
have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb..
... there goes my "A"...

Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
oh, how I long for Yesterday.


  A blonde reports for his University final examination that consists
of Y/N type questions.
  He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question 
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his 
wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking 
the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.
  Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class 
is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately
throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
  The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
  I finished the exam in half an hour.  But," he says, "I'm not going 
to have time to finish rechecking my answers!"

  Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam?)

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. 
Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use 
the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a 
jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at 
max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. 
Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers 
into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. 
Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, 
make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to 
let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage
of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)

Qualifying Examination

Instructions: Read each question carefully.
              Answer all questions.
              Begin immediately.

Time Limit:   4 hours.

1.  History

Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social,
political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe,
Asia, America, and Africa.  Be brief, concise, and specific.

2.  Medicine

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your
work has been inspected.  You have fifteen minutes.

3.  Public Speaking

2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.  Calm them. 
You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4.  Biology

Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if
this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with
special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary
system.  Prove your thesis.

5.  Music

Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate and perform it with flute and
drum.  You will find a piano under your seat.

6.  Psychology

Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations
of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II,
Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi.  Support your evaluations with quotations
from each man's work, making appropriate references.  It is not
necessary to translate.

7.  Sociology

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of
the world.  Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8.  Management Science

Define Management.  Define Science.  How do they relate?  Why?  Create
a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. 
Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to
activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all
necessary control programs.

9.  Engineering

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a
box on your desk.  You will also find an instruction manual, printed
in Swahili.  In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to
the room.  Take whatever action you feel is appropriate.  Be prepared
to justify your decision.

10.  Economics

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.  Trace the
possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the
Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.  Outline a method for
preventing these effects.  Criticize this method from all possible
points of view.  Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as
demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

11.  Political Science

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.  Start World War III. 
Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

12.  Epistemology

Take a position for or against truth.  Prove the validity of your position.

13.  Physics

Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer an evaluation of
the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

14.  Modern Physics

Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Construct an experiment to
prove your position.

15.  Philosophy

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. 
Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

16.  Foreign Affairs

It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that
only a foreign war can restore America's lost national consensus. 
Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the
conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the
aggressor in the situation.  Discuss the pros and cons.

17.  Art

Explain Mona Lisa's smile.

18.  Juris Prudence

In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the leader of the
populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a
successful coup d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers".  In light
of the present populist mood in the United States, assess the utility
and any potential impact of such a policy today.

19.  Religion

Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam
and Eve, and the eating of the forbidden fruit.  Explain your position
fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments.  An Anglican
bishop will moderate this debate.

20.  General Knowledge

Describe in detail.  Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit

Define the Universe.  Give three examples.


Alternate SATs For Athletes

College Entrance Exam - Time Limit 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions 
-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand 
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being 
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium 
-OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

*You must answer 3 or more questions correctly to qualify for admission.


  It was the final examination for an introductory English course at 
the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out 
new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination 
was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor 
was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his 
desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would
  One half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the 
professor for an exam booklet.
  "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, 
as he handed the student a booklet.
  "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and 
began writing.
  After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students 
filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued
  A half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who 
was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to 
put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
  "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
  The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
  "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air 
of sarcasm in his voice.
  "Do you know who I am?" the student asked again.
  "No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of 
  "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of 
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.


  During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept 
looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test.  This 
went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other 
choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit.  
  "Mr. Walters," the professor began.  "Is there something interesting 
written on your palm?"
  "Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."

  The rules at a particular university were if the professor was not 
present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was 
considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave with no
penalties for missing a class.  
  The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which "jumped" 
ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion.  Also, these clocks 
were not of the most sophisticated construction.  A few enterprising 
students discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard 
erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
  So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take 
target practice at the clock (since a particular professor was not 
the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-
minded").  A few well aimed erasers, causing 15 minutes to pass, and 
class dismissed itself.
  Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor 
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told the students, 
"You have 1 hour to complete."
  The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the 
room, and gleefully took aim at the clock.  When he had successfully 
"jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected 
the exam papers.
  Life does teach some lessons the hard way.

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