Elementary School Jokes

Elementary School Jokes


  The Mayor had been invited to speak to the students of the local 
elementary school on the subject of Americanism.  He began his talk 
by saying, "It's wonderful to live in America.  I remember when I 
was a boy in grade school...those were the happiest days of my life.
And, I can tell by looking at your faces that you, too, are happy.  
Why are you so happy today?"
  Although he asked the question merely to make a point, one little 
fellow did raise his hand.
  The Mayor called on him, asking, "Why are you so happy today?"
  "Well, you see," said the boy, "if you keep talking for another 
ten minutes, we won't have time for our history lesson and we'll 
go straight to recess."



  A young girl came home from school and was heard by her mother
reciting her homework, "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; 
four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the 
son of a bitch--"
   "Judy!" shouted her mother.  "Watch your language!  You're not
allowed to use swearwords like son of a bitch"
  "But, Mom," replied Judy, "that's what the teacher taught us, 
and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
   Next day Judy's mother went to school with her daughter and 
right into the classroom to complain.
  "Oh, heavens!" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them.  
They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'"



  A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's
the problem, Carol?  I hope it's not homework again."
   "Well, uh, yes, it is."  replied Carol.  "I was stupid and made
my homework paper into a paper airplane."
   "Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do,"
said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper 
and hand it in."
   "Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder.
"You see, the plane was hijacked."



  A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the
older girls starting to use lipstick.  When applying it in the bathroom
they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
  Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it.  He
gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he 
wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 
2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
  The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the 
custodian to clean the mirror every night.  He said he felt the ladies 
did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted
them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
  The custodian then demonstrated.  He took a long brush on a handle out
of a box.  He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the 
mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
  That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.



  A honest seven-year-old Little Mary admitted calmly to her parents 
that Little Johnny had kissed her after class.
  "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
  "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped 
me catch him."



  A sixth grade girl was assigned homework to write about her family.
Either she didn't know much about football, or knew an awful lot about 
her brother.  She wrote: "I have a 16 year old brother.  He plays on 
the school's football team.  He's an offensive throwback."



  That is like the little Jewish boy in Kindergadern and the teacher 
asks him "What is two plus two?"
..and he replies..."Well Miss .....am I buying or selling?"



  The first grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not 
decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy
will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, 
his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out 
his act.
  Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
rapturous applause...
  Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the 
delight of the audience.
  Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...
  "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit
him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some
of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first...
'JOHNNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"



  A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden
their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety
of sweets and said, "Children, I would like you to close your eyes 
and taste these."
  The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint,
but when the teacher gave them honey-flavoured lifesavers, all of 
the kids were stumped.
  "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy
and mommy probably call each other all of the time."
  Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
"Spit'em out, guys, they're assholes!"



  A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so 
she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper
so he used his hands.
  When he got back to class his teacher asked, "What do you have in 
your hand."
  The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
scared away."
  He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked 
him, "What do you have in your hand."
  So the little boy said, "a little leprechaun and if I open my hands 
he'll get scared away."
  He was sent home and his mom asked him "What do you have in your hand."
  So the little boy said, "a little leprechaun and if I open my hands 
he'll get scared away."
  He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, "What do you 
have in your hand."
  So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my 
hands he get scared away."
  Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
  And the little boy said, "Look Dad you scared the crap out of him."



  Jewish boy in grade school was listening to his Hebrew teacher 
quoting Scripture. "The Lord our God, the Lord is One," the teacher 
declared.
  The youngster asked, "When will He be two?"



Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

 

   A lovely little girl is entering class for the first time when 
a friendly little boy approaches her.
  "My name's Ted," he says, "What's yours?"
  "Happy Butt," the little girl replies.
  "I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!" the boy shouts.  
  He goes to the teacher and says that the little girl has lied to
him about her name. "What is your name?" asks the teacher.  
  "Happy Butt," says the little girl.
  "No, no," the teacher says.  "What is your real name?" 
  "Happy Butt," the little girl insists.  
  "Shame on you for lying," says the teacher. "You go straight to 
the principal's office right this minute!"
  "Why are you here?" the principal asks.  
  "They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt," 
the little girl says.  
  "Your name can't be Happy Butt," the principal says. 
  "I'm going to call your mother and straighten this out. You 
mustn't lie to us about your name."
  The principal calls the mother and says, "We have your little 
girl here and she keeps telling us her name is 'Happy Butt'."
  "Oh," says the mother, "that must be Gladys."
  "Little girl," the principal says, "your mother says your name 
is Gladys."
  The little girl asks, "Happy Butt, Glad Ass, what's the difference?"  



Father
  "Son, I'm very worried about you being at the bottom of your class."
Son:
  "Don't fret Dad.  They teach the same stuff to both ends."



  Johnnie's teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education
with her fourth grade class, because she realizes Little Johnnie's
propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnnie remained attentive and
quiet throughout the entire lesson.
  Finally, toward the end of the lesson, the teacher asked for
examples of sex education from the class.
  One little boy raises his hand and when called on said, "I saw a 
bird in her nest with some eggs."
  "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
  "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
  "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
  Finally, Little Johnnie raised his hand. With much fear and
trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
  "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was
surrounded by a bunch of cattle rustlers and they all attacked him
at one time. He killed every one of them with just his two guns."
  The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have 
to do with sex education, Johnnie?" "It'll teach those rustlers 
not to screw with the Lone Ranger!"



  A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed 
the Declaration of Independence?"
  He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know."
  She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go 
home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
  Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the 
room to observe, as the teacher requested.  She started back in on 
her quiz and finally got back to the boy.
  "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of 
Independence?"
  "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
  The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his 
son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well 
better own up to it!"



  The most outrageous excuse I have received was this past year 
when I wrote to a mother to express my concern over her son's 
lack of attentiveness and failure to follow directions or complete 
any assignments that day.  What I hoped for was support from home 
in the way of an admonition to the child of the importance of 
paying attention, completing assignments, etc.  Instead I received 
a note stating the mother was sorry Danny had had a bad day, but
that he just wasn't in the mood for school that day!!
  And we wonder why children don't take us seriously...
I teach the second grade.  --Anonymous



  Several years ago I worked at a middle school that required students
to make up missed P.E. classes by doing an hour of exercise or sports 
at home for each hour of P.E. missed.  Parents would verify this 
activity by sending a note to the P.E. teacher stating what exercise 
the student did.  One Monday a boy came to P.E. with two notes.  One 
stated:  "Carl swam for an hour in the canal to make up for the hour 
of P.E. he missed last week."  The second note read "Please excuse 
Carl from P.E.  He cut his foot while swimming in the canal this 
weekend."  --Anonymous



  Note from a parent:  Dear Mr. ----- Please excuse Jenny.  
She was away with the German missiles.



  Little Johnnie was sitting in class one day when the teacher said,
"Class, today I am going to teach you about Custer's Last Stand. For 
your homework tonight I want you to depict with a drawing the lesson 
I am about to give."
  So the teacher goes on to relate the story of Custer's Last Stand.
  That evening at home, Little Johnnie is stumped by his assignment.
But all of a sudden, a light goes off in his head and he begins to 
draw his assignment. He is so inspired that he is convinced that he 
will get an "A" for the project.
  The next day Little Johnnie hands in his assignment and the teacher
looks at it. Little Johnnie had drawn a picture of a cow its head
surrounded by a halo standing there praying and around the cow there 
were lots of Indian couples having sex.
  The teacher was mortified. "Little Johnnie! What is this!? I never 
talked about any of this yesterday!"
  Little Johnnie then said "But weren't Custer's last words "Holy shit!
Look at all those fucking Indians!"

 

  A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they 
experimented with their desk computers.  One boy sat staring at the
screen, unsure how to get the computer going.  The teacher walked over
and read what was on his screen.
  In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know 
what your name is." Then she went on to help the next student.
  The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is Ted."



  Education is very like the Wizard of Oz - munchkins all over the 
place and happiness "somewhere over the rainbow". 



  Little Jimmy's father always used to tell him bedtime stories. 
Being the quick-witted fellow that he was, he always embelished 
on them adding little jokes here and there. 
  One day in Little Jimmy's kindergarten class, his teacher was 
telling them the strory of the three little pigs. Jimmy knew this 
story because his father always told him this before he went to 
bed. They were at the part when the first pig needed to build his 
house.
  "Then," the teacher said, "the first little pig needed straw to 
build his house. Along the road he saw a farmer carrying a bail of 
straw. So the little pig walked up to the farmer and asked him if 
he could borrow his straw to build a house. Then class, do you 
know what the farmer said?"
  Little Jimmy immedeatly raised his hand, knowing the answer.
  "Yes Jimmy," replied the teacher.
  "WOW!! A TALKING PIG!!!"
 


Amy: Can people predict the future with cards? 
Joan: My mother can.
Amy: Really?
Joan: Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me 
      what will happen when my father gets home.
 
 

  The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 
and 44?"
  Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon network!


 
  A heavy snow storm closed the schools in one town.  When the children 
returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her 
students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
  "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. 
"I prayed for more snow."


 
  A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?"
One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible !"



  A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children fell to discussing
the dog's duties.
  "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
  "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
  A third child brought the argument to a close.
  "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."



  At a parent-teacher conference, a mother told the teacher, "My son
Paul is a very sensitive boy."
   "Yes," said the teacher, "I've noticed that.  Is there anything we
should do about it?"
   "Well,"  said the mother, "If Paul misbehaves, please spank the boy
next to him."



  The teacher said to Flanagan, "Where was Ann Boleyn beheaded?".
  Flanaghan said, "Below the chin."



  The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual 
event that happened during the past week.  Little Johnny got up and 
read his essay. 
  It began: "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
  "My goodness!" the teaher exclaimed.  "Is he all right?"
  "He must be," said the boy.  "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."



  A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. 
The teacher asks, "Johnny!  What is your problem?"
  Johnny says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in 
the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in 
the third grade!"
  The teacher had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
  While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to 
the principal what the situation was.  The principal told the teacher 
she would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his 
own questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The 
teacher agreed. Johnny is brought in the room. The principal tells 
Johnny and he agrees.
  Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
  Johnny: "9"
  Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
  Johnny: "36"
  Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
  Johnny: "81"
  And so it went with every question the principal thought a third 
grader should know. She looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think 
Johnny can go to the third grade."
  The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" 
The principal and Johnny both agree.
  The teacher asks, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"
  Johnny: "Legs."
  Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
  The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnny's 
expected answer, Johnny says "Pockets."
  The principal breathes a sigh of relief and tells the teacher,
"Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions."



  "Your Ethics Puzzle reminds me of the small boy arraigned before 
his teacher who accused him of submitting an essay entitled "My Dog" 
which was in every respect identical to his brother's opus. 
  The young lady was quick-witted enough to offer the explanation 
that this was because it was the same dog."



  The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying 
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
  "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, 
he's a doctor.'" 
  A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the 
teacher...she's dead."



  It was near the end of the school year.  The teacher had turned in
her grades. There is really nothing to do.  All the kids were bored
and restless since it is near the end of the day.
  The teacher said, "Whoever is first to correctly answer the
questions I ask, can leave early today."  Lil' Johnny thought to
himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer
the question."
  The teacher asked, "Who said, 'For Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
  Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
  "That's right Susie," the teacher said, "You can go." Johnny was
MAD that Susie answered first.
  The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
  Before Lil' Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther
King."
  The teacher said, "That's right Mary.  You can go".  Johnny was
even MADDER than before because Mary answered first.
  The teacher asked, "Who said, 'Ask not, what your country can do
for you'?"
  Nancy said, "John Kennedy," before Johnny could open his mouth.
  "That's right Nancy," the teacher said, "You can go."  Lil' Johnny
was BOILING MAD; Nancy answered first.
  Then the teacher turned her back, and Lil' Johnny muttered, "I wish
these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
  The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
  Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON! CAN I GO NOW?" 



  The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I 
ain't got no crayons."
  "Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, 'I don't have any crayons.' 
You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't 
have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
  "Not really," Willie said, "what happened to all them crayons?"

 

  Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
  "Why?" asks the father.
  The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
  But that's right!"
  Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
  "What's the fucking difference?"
  That's what I said!



Art: Ann, I think my teacher loves me. 
Ann: Why's that? 
Art: She keeps putting "X"s next to my work! 
 
 

What A Student

  When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school. 
Her dad told her to go sit down and tell him all about it. 
  She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in
spelling!

 

  A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children 
while they drew.  She would occasionally walk around to see each 
child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working 
diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
  The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
  The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
  Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl 
replied, "They will in a minute."
 


  A third grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each 
kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to 
come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't...run around naked

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the...bug is close.

It's always darkest before...daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of...termites.

You can lead a horse to water but ...how?

Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

No news is...impossible.

A miss is as good as a...Mr.

You can't teach an old dog...math.

If you lie down with dogs, you...will stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than...the pigs.

An idle mind is...the best way to relax.

Happy is the bride who...gets all the presents.

A penny saved is...not much.

Two is company, three's...The Musketeers.

None are so blind as...Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.

You get out of something what you...see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind...get out of the way.

As you shall make your bed so shall you....mess it up.

Where there's smoke, there's....pollution.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...
 you have to blow your nose.

The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

A rolling stone plays the guitar.

The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

A bird in the hand is a real mess.

No news is no newspaper.

It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

You have nothing to fear but homework.

If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

We have nothing to fear but our principal.

To err is human.  To eat a muskrat is not.

I think, therefore I get a headache.

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

There is nothing new under the bed.

Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

Love All, Trust... Me

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.



  The new school year started  and the grade school teacher wanted
some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several 
students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. The 
teacher asked Alice to tell a story.
  "We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. 
"We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, 
it was fun."
  The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly 
raised their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call 
on little Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom. The 
teacher chose Fred to tell a story.
  "My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We 
stopped at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the 
biggest trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the 
trout, it was great!" Fred reported.
  "That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". 
  Several students were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry 
for Little Johnny and wanted to give him another chance.
  "My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point
buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole," 
Little Johnny said.
  The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum." she said.
  "Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."



  A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered 
around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she 
gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they might have 
some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there. She 
heard a little girl say very softly "damn!"
  The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in
school." The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very 
big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

 

  The following is [supposedly] a partial list of actual written 
excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system 
by parents of students:

Dear School:

 Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 
and also 33.

Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed 
with gramps.

Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. 
Please execute him.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hit in the growing part.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this
weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off 
a tree and misplaced her hip.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore 
throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going
around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed
out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and 
his boots leak. 
       
Sally win't be in school a week from Friday. 
We have to attend her funeral. 
       


  Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please 
sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
  So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door. First, Johnny, I want you to take off 
my blouse...so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. Ok, now take 
off my skirt...and he takes off her skirt.  Now take off my bra...
which he does.  Now Johnny, please take off my panties and when Johnny
finishes removing those she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my
clothes to school any more!"
  


  Teacher asked her class "If 4 birds were sitting on the fence and a
hunter shot 1, how many would be left?"
  Little Johnny answered "None."
  The teacher said "No. 3 would be left. 4 Minus 1 equals 3."
  Little Johnny said "1 would be killed and the other 3 would be
frightened away by the sound of the gun."
  The teacher replied "That's not the answer I was looking for but I 
like the way you think."
  At that Johnny asked the teacher "If 3 women were sitting on a park
bench, each eating an ice cream cone with one biting, one licking and
one sucking, which one is married?"
  The teacher thought for a moment knowing where Johnny was going with
this, but decided she was already in too far to turn back.
  She replied "The one sucking."
  Johnny replied, "No.  The one with the ring on, but I like the way 
you think!"



  The teacher asked each member of her sixth-grade class to write 
the names of nine outstanding Americans.  Ten minutes later, the 
teacher saw that everyone but Earl had finished writing.
  "What's the matter, Earl?" the teacher asked.  "Can't you think 
of nine great Americans?"
  "I have eight," Earl said.  "But I still need a second baseman."



  A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had 
to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. 
  A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom 
says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."



  A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and 
we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." 
  The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word `fascinate.`"
  Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia
Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
  The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word `fascinate.`" 
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was
noted for his bad language. She finally decidedthere was no way he 
could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
  Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs 
are so big she can only fasten 8."



  Little Johnnie was late for class, and when he saw that the door was
already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. 
He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to
get the teacher after him.
  This upset the teacher, who said him, "Johnnie, is this how your
father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat?  Go out 
and try it again, and get it right this time!"
  So, Little Johnnie left the room and shut the door behind him quietly,
as he'd come in.  Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a
clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling
from his lips.  He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out
on the carpet with his foot and said, "So Honey, didn't expect ME, 
did ya?"



Student : Teacher, do you think it's fair to get blamed for
         something you didn't do?
Teacher : No.
Student : Good, because I didn't do my home work.



  The teacher asked the class on the first day of school what had 
happened to them over the summer.  Little Johnny stood up and gave 
the following story:
  "My dad was driving his tractor, and got in an accident, and he
ended up getting a piece of wood stuck up his ass!"
  After the class quieted down, the teacher admonished Johnny, "In 
this class, we user proper terms for everything. You should have said
'rectum'"
  To this, Little Jpohnny replied "Rectum?  Damn near killed him!" 



  A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, 
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
  The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
  "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and
add 'e' and 's'."



  Little Kate came home from school one day and announced that she 
had learned a new song - "God Bless America."
To demonstrate, she sang a few bars:
 "God blessAmerica, Land that I love;
  Stand beside her and guide her,
  Through the night with a light
  from a bulb."



PENDLETON, Ind. (AP) -- Officials are considering changing the name of
Pendleton Middle School or at least removing its initials from 
athletic uniforms to avoid embarrassment for its girls' teams.

  

  One evening Johnny sat down at the kitchen table doing his homework
while his mother watched television.  Upon hearing the evening news,
his mother let out a shriek. "Johnny! Johnny! China has just launched
a nuclear missile toward the United States."
  Johnny looked up from his book with a confused expression on his face.
  "Do you understand what this means?" his mother implored.
  All excited, Johnny quickly replied, "No school tomorrow."


  Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was
eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by
herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids
enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
  Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. 
  The girl said she was.
  A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the 
same spot, still by herself.
  Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your
friend?"
  The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman 
suspiciously.
  Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you
standing here all alone?"
  "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"



  When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
  "Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded.
  "Yes," Chris said.  "She's come to visit us for Christmas." 
  "How nice," I said.  "Where does she live?"
  "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go 
out there and get her."



  A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class
one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on
the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in
the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
  "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
  "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for 
three days."
  The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of 
the chalkboard.  Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another
male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
  "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
  Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"  This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
  Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an
burst of laughter from another male student.  She quickly turns to see
Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
  "Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
  "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."



  A boy wanted to go to the bathroom, so he asked his teacher if he 
could go to the bathroom.
  His teacher said first say the ABC's.
  So the boy said A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z.
  The teacher said where did the P go?
  The boy said running down my leg!



  A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
  Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles 
and Mum said it was contagious."
  "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
  Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,"My grandma says 
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
  "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
  Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is 
painting her house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will 
take the contagious"



  The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew 
up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room. A football player,
a doctor, an astronaut, the president, a fireman a teacher, a race car 
driver.  Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was 
sitting there quiet and still.
  So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
  "Possible" Tommy replied. 
  "Possible?" asked the teacher. 
  "Yes," Tommy said. "Mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when 
I get to be big, I want to be possible."



  For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher
about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One
day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn
child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. 
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
  The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" 
  Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

 

  Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.
Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.  However, her
teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, 
but she has one fault.  She talks too much in school.  I have an idea 
I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
  Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like 
to try it out on her mother."


 
  It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, 
Miss Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair 
of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could 
go to lunch.
  The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. 
Miss Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they 
were a bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the 
battle. To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face 
and announced, "Teacher, these boots aren't mine."
  In a hurry, but wanting to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with 
grim gentleness removed the boots and straightened her aching back.
  Whereupon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's, but 
Mommy said I could wear them to school today."


 
  During a performance for the high school drama class at the local
theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor.   Subsequent acts
managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling
bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.  
  He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness.
  But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted, "Don't worry,
Freddy!  It's just a stage you're going through!"

 

  Geometry teacher to class: "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, 
five-sided ones are called pentagons."
  "What about two sided ones?" asked a student.
  "They don't exist." said the teacher.
  "I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."



  John had just enjoyed a successful year of kindergarten and was excited
to start first grade.  He was a good kindergarten student and loved his
1/2 day sessions in the morning.  On the first day of school in the
first grade, he listened attentively and participated in all the morning
activities.  When the bell rang at 11:30, he put his coat on and
gathered his bag of books and pencils.  The teacher asked John where he
was going.  He said that school was done now and he was going home.  The
teacher said that first graders have to stay the whole day.
  John threw his bag to the floor and exclaimed, "Who in the hell signed
me up for this?"



  On the first day on class during the first few minutes, the new 
teacher teaches her second grade class her name. So she says, "Now 
class, my name is Ms. Prussy. Can you repeat that after me?"
  So the class in unison repeats "Ms. Prussy".
  She says "Fantastic! But I want to make sure you know what it is 
so we don't have to discuss it again after today."
  So she turns around and writes on the chalkboard "M.S. P.R.U.S.S.Y"
  "Now say it again after me, Ms. Prussy."
  So again, the class mutters "Ms. Prussy".
  "Phenomenal, now lets start our lesson for today."
  The next day the class returns to school and the teacher wanted to
make sure once and for all that the kids knew her name, so she asks,
"Now class, do you remember what my name is?"
  The kids look around with hesitation, and are reluctant to answer. 
Then one brave soul decides to answer and raises his hand. The teacher
responds "Yes, Johnny?"
  And little Johnny replies "Is it Ms. Crunt?"



  The assignment from the teacher was to say a sentence using the word
definitely.
  Little Suzy stood up and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
  "Not so," replies the teacher,"it can also be orange and red."
  Little Timmy stands up and says, "The trees are definitely green."
  "Not so," replies the teacher, "they can be many different colors 
in autumn."
  Then little Johnny stands up and says, "I have a question first.
Are farts wet?"
  The horrified teacher replies "No, of course not Johnny."
  Johnny  says,"Okay, I'm ready for my sentence now. I DEFINITLY 
shit my pants!!!"



  A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. There were 
various answers, Fireman, Mailman, Policeman, Doctor, etc, etc.
  When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
  "Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
  "He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed 
on the floor."



  A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
  "Here is the situation," she said.  "A man is standing up in a 
boat in the middle of a river, fishing.  He loses his balance, 
falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.  His wife 
hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the 
bank.  Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
  A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

 

   Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in 
fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realised that 
he desparately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy raised his 
hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher 
said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
  Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and 
embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.
  The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where 
he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.  Billy 
looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way.
  Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and said to 
the teacher, "I can't find it".
  Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the 
school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
  So Tommy and Billy went together and five minutes later they both 
returned and sat down in their seats.
  The teacher asked Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"  
  Tommy is quick with his reply. "Oh sure, he just had his boxer 
shorts on backwards"



TEACHING MATH

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than
set "M". What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What
do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question? How did the forest
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There
are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1997:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock
price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the
CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital
gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1998:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and
when demand for their product is down the logging work force can
easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company
earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement
plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an
hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1999:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its
Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its
US workers. (the higher-paid half) It clear-cuts 95% of the forest,
leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its
remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is
responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress
for an exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead
exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the
return on investment of the lobbying.



FOURTH GRADE BIOLOGY EXPERIMENT

Teacher: Mr. Pemberton

Student: S. Myron Heine

Procedure:  Students will write a report on an experiment over the
           weekend.  The results will be read to the entire class.

Labrotorie report on my exprimunt.

Plan.  I will get my sistur to asist me and we will do an
experimunt on whoopee (my daddy says whoopee is a secret. i think
it is nawty too but sciense is sposed to be lerning about many
diffirent stuff) My sisturs name is katy. she is 6 years old. I
will study karefully our whoopees, for the purpuss of gaining
scientifik knolledge.

PART ONE: First I took off all my clothes and katys too.  we
examind our whoopees very karefully.  KATYS WHOOPPEE IS DIFFRUNT
FROM MY WHOOPPEE!  i think this is a importunt scintifik diocovry.
Next I need to find out where katys whoopee went..  katy sayd that
she didn't know and she was sorry.  i told her it was OK and that
we would scientifiklly find out.

PART TWO:  Next I experimunted on Katys missing whooppee.  Katy
layed down and I looked but i could not find her whooppee and then
i membered mommy dos not have a whoopee too!!  WHERE ARE THE
MISSING WHOOPIEES????  I WANT TO KNOW!!  Something is fishy in
Denmark, that is four sur!

PART 3:  Soon Katy got hungry and we had 3.4 ownces of Lucky Charms
cereal which we ate without no clothes.  (mommy and daddy were
raking "those dam leaves" agan.)  Next i tried to weiy my whoopee
on our bathroom scayle.  katy sat on the scaile to help me hold it
and i wayed it.  It ways 46.8 pounds but i think some thing is
wrong and then I mesurd it with mommys yardstik and it is 34.9
inches long or 1.1 inches long I dont know which.

PART FOR:  Next katy and i took scientifik pikturs of our whoopees
with daddys tv camera.  I think we akcidentaly erased our vakashun
pictures from disneywerld.  Aunt Mary and Unkle Bob are coming over
tomorow to see them.  Boy will everywon be surprizd to see our
experimunt!

PART 5:  What i Learnt from this scientifuk experimunt.  I learnt
very importunt things about science and whoopee.  I leanrt that
katy and mommy are missing whoopees and that lucky charms taste the
same without pajamas on. I lerned that scienze is really kool and
that I want to be a biologie teachr like Mr. Pemberton.  I hope I
get an A becawse my labrotory experimunt has been very scintifik.
Thank you.

the end of my report

S. Myron Heine
4th grade




TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. 
GEORGE: Here it is! 
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? 
CLASS: George! 

 
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we 
 didn't have ten years ago. 
WILLY: Me! 

  
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? 
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are. 

  
TEACHER: Why are you late? 
WEBSTER: Because of the sign. 
TEACHER: What sign? 
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." 



  The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word
"dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the 
class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."
  Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie'flower!"
 
 

  Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me 
that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not 
be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect 
him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and 
excitement.
  "Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will 
remain a lesson to me, "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
 


  A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him into 
a private school. All the sudden in the private school his grades 
skyrocket up to A's.
  Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask, "Why were 
you doing so bad in a public school, and when we switched you to 
a private school you did good?"
  The kid responds, "Because I knew they were serious about school.
The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed to a plus sign."



  Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental 
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed 
to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt 
enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part.
  "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." 
  "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know 
it they'll be giving you a speaking part." 



 The teacher asked Mary, "What sound does a cat make?" 
 Mary said, "A cat says meow, meow." 
 Then the teacher asked Billy, "What sound does a cow make?" 
 Billy said, "A cow goes mooo, mooo." 
 Then the teacher asks Johnny, "What sound does a pig make?" 
 Johnny says, "A pig says, 'Freeze, get your hands up against the wall!'" 



  "Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you
mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
  "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I 
really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like 
because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
  "It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling
teacher.


 
  You know little Johnny, he is that kid all the teachers hate and 
the one we all want to be our friend in school.
  Little Johnny was on summer break.  He had just finished 2nd grade 
and was enjoying his summer.  Enjoyment for him ment that he was 
driving his mother absolutley crazy around the house.  So one day 
when Johnny was driving her crazy she told him to go to the house 
next door that they were building so that he might learn something.
  A couple of hours later Johnny shows up at home.  His mother asked 
him if he had learned anything.  He informed her that he had.  She 
asked him 'So what did you learn?'
  Johnny replied 'I learned how to hang a fucking door, tear the 
cocksucker out because it wasn't fucking hung right and plumbers
don't know shit.'
  Johnnies mother was horrified.  She yelled at Johnny, "You go up 
to your bedroom right now and wait for your father to get home!"
  Johnny obediently went up to his room.  His father arrived home 
several hours later.  Johnnies mother informed his father of what 
had happened.  His father came into his room and asked him what he 
had told his mother.
  Johnny replied, "Dad, she asked me if I had learned anything next 
door where they were building the house. I told her that I had learned 
how to hang a fucking door, tear the cocksucker out because it wasn't 
fucking hung write and plumbers don't know shit."
  His father was immediatley outraged.  He screamed at his son, 
"Johnny you go outside and get me a switch off of the tree."
  Johnny replied, "Fuck you thats the electricians job!"



  Little Johnny was in 3rd grade. The teacher decided to have a feel 
and tell instead of a show and tell. She asked for her first volunteer.
Johnny and several other children immediatly raised their hands. She 
promptly informed Johnny that he had too dirty a mind to play this 
game then choose Amy to be the first contestent.
  Amy got up from her seat and went to the front of the class and 
covered her eyes with her left hand and stuck her right hand in the 
brown paper bag.
  She said, 'Well teacher, it's round, it's hard, I think that it is 
an apple.'
  The teacher said, 'No Amy your wrong it's an orange, but I like the 
way you're thinking.'
  She again asked for volunteers, and again Johnny raised his hand.  
The teacher informed him again that he had too dirty of a mind to play.
She then picked Jennifer to play feel and tell.  Jennifer walked up in 
front of the class, stuck her hand in the bag and said, 'Well it's round
and long, I think it's a bannana.'
  The teacher said, 'No Jennifer your wrong it's a cucumber, but I like 
the way you are thinking.'
  Johnny immediatly raised his hand without any prompting from the
teacher.
  She said, 'Johnny you can't play, I am all out of objects.' 
  Johnny said, 'That's all right teacher, I will stick my hand in my
pocket and describe what I feel and you tell me what it is.' Johnny 
leaned back, stuck his right hand into his pants pocket and said,
'Teacher it's round and it's hard and it has a head on it.'
  The teacher was shocked.  She said, 'Johnny I told you you couldn't 
play this game because you have too dirty a mind!'  
  A smile crept over Johnnies face and he said, 'No teacher no you're 
wrong, it's a quarter, but I like the way you are thinking!'



  Little Johnny's teacher gave the class and assignment to write a poem
that ended with the phrase "round and round".
  The next day the teacher called upon Little Mary to recite her poem.
Mary stood and said, "The cars tires sit on the ground, when the engine
runs the tires go round and round". 
  The next kid was "Little Johnny". Johnny slid out of his desk and
smiled and began to recite his poem, "Tomcat sitting on a fence post.
Pussycat sitting on the ground. Tomcat made a pass, at the Pussycat's
ass, and they both went round and round"...



  There was a little blonde girl in school. She cried, so the teacher 
asked her what was the matter. She sobbed, "I can't find my boots."
  The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots, 
"Are these yours?"
  "No, they're not mine," replied the blonde girl.
  The teacher and the girl searched all over the classroom for her 
boots. Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are 
not yours?"
  "I'm sure," the girl sobbed, "mine had snow on them." 




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