College Jokes

# College Jokes

  Several colleges have started a pilot program that uses a simple group experiment with Legos as a replacement for the standard admissions test. The group must recreate a model of a robot in the next room, with only one team member allowed to view the robot at any one time. Since different schools have different admissions requirements, the test has been generalized to meet the requirements of various schools: ENGINEERING COLLEGE: Build a real, working robot out of Legos LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE: Pick your favorite color of Lego block CULINARY COLLEGE: Bake an Eggo that no one would want to lego FEMINIST COLLEGE: Cut the stubs off the Lego blocks and get them to stick together using only the holes. COMMUNITY COLLEGE: Ring this box of Legos up on a cash register FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY: Steal as many Legos as possible Even though I was an engineering student at the Univ of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society. When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes !" The professor of an economics class asked for an example of unremunerative outlay of capital. One student replied, "Taking one's sister out to dinner and the movies." There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade. A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work in. In due course he received it back with the professor's comments, "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!" GLOSSARY FOR RESEARCH PAPERS (Strictly Speaking) by C.D. Graham Jr. (1957) WHAT THEY WRITE WHAT THEY MEAN It has long been known that... I haven't bothered to look up the original reference ...of great theoretical and practical importance ...interesting to me While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions. The experiments didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it. The W-Pb system was chosen as especially suitable to show the predicted behavior... The fellow in the next lab had some already made up High purity...Very high purity...Extremely high purity... Super-purity...Spectroscopically pure... Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier A fiducial reference line... A scratch Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study... The results of the others didn't make sense and were ignored... ...handled with extreme care during the experiments ...not dropped on the floor Typical results are shown... The best results are shown... Although some detail has been lost in reproduction, it is clear from the original micrograph that... It is impossible to tell from the micrograph Presumably at longer times... I didn't take the time to find out The agreement with the predicted curve is excellent Fair Good Poor Satisfactory Doubtful Fair imaginary ...as good as could be expected non-existent These results will be reported at a later date I might get around to this sometime The most reliable values are those of Jones He was a student of mine It is suggested that...OR It is believed that...Or It may be that... I think... It is generally believed that... I have such a good objection to this answer that I shall now raise it. It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding... I don't understand it Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated Neither does anybody else Correct within an order of magnitude Wrong It is to be hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field This paper isn't very good but neither are any of the others on this miserable subject Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with the experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions. Glotz did the work and Doe explained what it meant. In a way, colleges & insane asylums are both mental institutions. The major difference being you have to show some improvement to "graduate" from an asylum. A student comes back to the dorm & finds his roommate near tears. "What's the matter pal ?" he asked. "I wrote home for my parents to send money so that I could buy a laptop, and they sent me the laptop." he moaned. The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whattya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning." At a college reunion I was sitting near the dance floor with some classmates. A woman approached and asked one of my friends to dance. He replied, "Well, I'm a little stiff from bowling." "I don't care where you're from," the persistent woman replied. "let's dance!" PSALM OF THE TWENTY-THIRD YEAR Dr. ( ) is my professor I shall not pass. He maketh me to exhibit mine ignorance before the whole class. He telleth me more than I can write. He lowreth mine grades. Yea, though I walk through the corridors of knowledge, I do not learn. He tryeth to teach me. He writeth equations before me in hopes that I will understand them. He bombardeth my head with integrations. My calculator freezeth up. Surely enthalpies and entropies shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the School of Engineering forever. You Finally Realize You're Not in College Anymore When... You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up. Your parents charge rent. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal. It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m. Three words: Student Loan Payments. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche. You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively. Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end. THEN: Discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey. NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m. Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks. The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol. The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News. Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable. You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while taking in college. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams. You empathize with the characters from 'Friends.' METABOLISM SLOWDOWN Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food. When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to.' Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games. You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.' Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly. You begin to wish you were in school again!! Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my$tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need,$o if you would like, you can ju$t$end me a card, a$I would love to hear from you. Love, Your$on. The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad Dean, to the physics department, "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." The graduate with a physics degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" How do college graduates say hello? "Welcome to McDonalds." The college faculty were in their annual meeting when, suddenly, an angel appears. Turning to the Dean, the creature said, "I will grant you one of three boons -- infinite wisdom, infinite wealth or infinite health." The Dean thought for a minute, then replied "Wisdom." "So be it." and the angel disappeared. In the silence that followed, the Dean sat thoughtfully, saying nothing and staring off into the distance. Finally, one of the other faculty members exclaimed, "Do you have anything to say? What words of wisdom can you provide us?". Quoth the Dean, "I should have taken the money." On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined$60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?". A male student bashfully moves forward and asks: "How much for a seasonal pass?" "How's your son doing? Is he one of the bright young men in this area that is going to college on a scholarship?" "No. He's going to college on a second mortgage." Dear Mom and Dad, It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay? Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I do not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engage, I do not have syphilis and there is no colored man in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and a "F" in science class and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective. Your loving daughter, Mary 3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty- Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass 'cello, I was scouted by the Mets, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. What are thirty art students standing around changing a light bulb? 20 credit points How to get your sorry ass through a term paper Graphs and charts and maps and maybe one more chart. Coffee sweetened with jelly beans. Bee Gees "Saturday Night Fever" soundtrack on CD repeat. Now would be a good time to practice your ESP skills. Somehow work in a quote from the Prince of Wales. Midnight conversion to Roman Catholic in hopes of completing the paper before dawn. Beg your dog to share his wisdom. Copy the bibliography you used for your "Street Vendors: Friend or Foe" paper. Paper clip a blank check made out to your professor on your summary page. Lie like a bastard. The Top 14 Tips for Surviving College Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour. Enjoy being a Sophomore, It will be the best three years of your life. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until someone loses their 'nads. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major. Boring lecture? Start a wave! College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner. "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges. Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people. Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing Biology." In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute on your breakfast cereal. The Differences Between College Seniors and Freshmen Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon. Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon. Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut. Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend. Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class. Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor." Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away. Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe... Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are. Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation. Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere. Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street. Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay. Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October...maybe. Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night Senior: Calls Domino's every other night Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional questions. Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex... Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society. Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, "Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." Responded the kid. So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time? Mum said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for$20, and the other for $1000" "That's$1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???" "Don't worry hon," Mum said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the$1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19. The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note, "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!" There once was a conservative college in the mid-west that had a standing rule, the heat was not to be turned on in the dormitories prior to a certain date. Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear its ugly head early. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done. After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message, "TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!" The heat was on within hours! What is the difference between a galley slave and a graduate student? They occasionally feed galley slaves. Another Day in the Life of a College Student Up too late the night before. Want to stay in bed some more. Searching for a matching sock In time to make my eight o'clock. Sprinting all the way to class. Slowly running out of gas. Walking in the pouring rain. A thunderstorm's inside my brain. Soaking wet, I make it in. Professor asks me where I've been. I try to think up some excuse. "It's chronic eight o'clock abuse!" Writing till my hand falls off. Don't have time to even cough. Can't get breakfast off my mind. Now I'm half-a-page behind! Man, this lecture's really boring. Is it me that I hear snoring? No, it's just the ocean breeze. I'm floating on a piece of cheese Sailing off to la-la land, While jamming to a reggae band. And as I lay me down to rest, Please let me dream I pass my test. And if I don't, for goodness sake, Just let me sleep till summer break! Differences Between High School and College In high school, you do homework. In college, you study. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide. In college, there are no tardy slips. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.) In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls. In college, weekends start on Thursday. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more time consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her." In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad. College guys are cuter than high school boys. College women are legal. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this. A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have." The dean replied, "Well then, he can hang out with the faculty." Going To College? Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells. After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices. "If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up forfifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant. A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree." The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!" The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my horse." "For your horse???" "Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation." "But . . . we can't give a degree to a horse!" "Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution." "Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees." A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep. One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree - - no matter HOW much money is involved." The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree." The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?" "Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse." WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WERE WRITTEN BY COLLEGE STUDENTS 'Blood of Christ' switched from red wine to keg beer. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold! Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food. Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes Paul's E-Mail To: abuse@romans.gov Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. April 18, 1994 Mr. John T. Mongan 123 Main Street Smalltown, California 94123-4567 Dear John: You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America. The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention! Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing. What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom. You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate. You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions May 5, 1994 Michael C. Behnke MIT Director of Admissions Office of Admissions, Room 3-108 Cambridge MA 02139-4307 Dear Michael: You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country. The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention! Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano. What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him. You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering. You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now? Sincerely, John Mongan I Am the Very Model of an Aero Doct'ral Candidate (with apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan) by Ken Powell I am the very model of an aero doct'ral candidate; I took each course three times so that my GPA I could inflate. I waited seven terms before I signed up to matriculate, So when I took the prelims I'd forgotten how to integrate. I do research two nights a week, From 6 PM till almost 8. I haven't got results yet but I should before I graduate. Of troubles, worries, cares and woes, I'd have to say I've not a one; In fact grad school in Aerospace is really quite a lot of fun. \item{}In fact grad school in Aerospace is really quite a lot of fun. In fact grad school in Aerospace is really quite a lot of fun. In fact grad school in Aerospace is really quite a lot, a lot of fun. I do just enough work that my advisor I won't aggravate, For then he'd drop me and my funding he would reappropriate. In short I'm quite expensive for the department to educate; I am the very model of an aero doct'ral candidate. How to Piss Off Your Professor Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins." If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!" Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutesinto class, release the hornets, scream, and run away. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...." Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?" Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring." Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you." Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down. 40 Ways to Piss Off People in a Computer Lab Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer \$2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. "DISK FIGHT!!!" Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & take it. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 

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