"What Were They Thinking?"
(taken from resumes submitted to various employers)
1881-1995; spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science.
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
I am a great team player I am.
I am anxious to spread my wings in new directions and soar to new heights.
I am writing to you, as I have written to all fortune 1000 companies
every year for the past three years, so solicit employment.
I'm a lean, mean, marketing machine.
I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
I never take anything for granite,
Overlooked all areas to ensure an overwhelming success.
Received a plague for 'Salesperson of the Year'
Shot at the local gun club.
Terminated after saying, 'It would be a blessing to be fired.'
Very experienced with out-house computers
Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions.
Qualifications: "I have a current passport."
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one
and absolutely nothing.
My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
Marital status: Often. Children: various.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Finished eighth in my class of ten.
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let
them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity,
and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come
cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and
lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.'
I have never quit a job."
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require
prescription drugs."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
Reasons for leaving last job:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches."
Job Responsibilities:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of
responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
Special Requests & Job Objectives:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job."
Physical Disibilities:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and
my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer
science, curses in accounting."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising
and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously,
they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of
RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional
bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job
applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness,
efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed
down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for
another opportunity."
(No problem...)
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are
usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)
"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)
"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)
"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)
"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)
"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
(So you're willing to travel?)
"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)
"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's
girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)
Resume for the Unemployed
OBJECTIVE:
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for
eight hours, occasionally looking attentive
when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION:
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
EMPLOYMENT:
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs
to watch. Duties included changing channels,
avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after
those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99)
Using various tools such as credit cards and
borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups
of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that
goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99)
Assisted all students with chemical intake from
purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS:
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
*On/Off Repair Method
HONOURS AND AWARDS:
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive
responses, please pose all questions as though you're
considering me as a law school applicant.
How to Interpret a Resume
By Edith Rudy
I used to claim that I didn't write fiction. Then I started helping
people with their resumes. So this is for anyone in HR who has to
read the darned things.
Term:
What it really means:
Bright
Wears lots of yellow and red (usually together)
Intelligent
Got a gold star for spelling in first grade
Computer-literate
Knows the difference between a mouse and a terminal
Great communicator
Fired from his last job for telling the boss exactly
what he thought of him
Detail-oriented
Will spend eight hours perfecting a 2-minute job
Sees the big picture
Hasn't got a clue about how to do the work required
to get to the big picture
Prompt
First one out the door at quitting time
Hard working
For at least at ten minutes a day
Conscientious
Knows EXACTLY how much sick time and holiday time he has left
Friendly
Watch out for attractive members of your staff
Honest
Gossips
My friend asked me for help. She had not found any work after
months of looking. I thought I'd punch up her resume. Her work
record was excellent, as were her college credits. But I think I
found her problem.
Under "When Available" she had typed neatly "Usually after
the bar closes."
Building a Resume
Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets
for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition,
get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones,
plus bonus.
THE NAME:
Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit.
Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that
might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards"
O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS:
Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying
you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace
in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER:
Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000 to 1. If
they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere
in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put
your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some
interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.
THE AMBITION STATEMENT:
Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean: "Seeking
a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a
high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things
for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're
NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight
years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other
night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the
smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a
lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40%
of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical,
low-paying, dead-end, back-office position."
EDUCATION:
Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where
you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the
safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech
program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're
not lying if you list under your education credits:
"BA in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993 ...
and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation
Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."
EXPERIENCE:
Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience.
But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational
database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system...
Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience:
high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc.
So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies.
Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience
you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant,
make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code
inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for
graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much
Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed
continuous-availability multimedia environment."
Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV.
THE CLOSE:
"References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-close
is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation:
Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll
remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way,
I know where you live."
RESUME NO-NOs
I can't vouch for racist, sexist, or otherwised biased employers,
but most people would rather hire someone with a good resume as
opposed to those with one that belongs under a diarrhetic parakeet.
So, to help all you eager job-hunters out there, I've compiled a
list of the most hideous no-nos you could imagine.
1. Don't always mention your volunteer work. If it involves
something you did while wearing prison stripes, it might not
put you in a good light.
2. Never quote Shakespeare on a resume, especially if you refer
to him as that dead English dude. (Note: there is no evidence
that this comes from painful personal experience.)
3. You can list your address, your phone number, your e-mail
and even your website, but do not tell them where the UFOs come
out to pick you up.
4. Housepets and/or plants do not make good references.
5. Your extensive Hee-Haw-watching experience does not qualify
as work-related, even in Tenessee.
6. Computer skills do not include "looking for porn".
7. Details are important, but not every employer wants to know
your underwear size. But I could list a few that would, so it's
best to go with the flow on that one.
8. Contrary to popular belief, Drug Stores are not looking for
drug pushers.
9. Be careful with your impressive terminology: if misspelled,
"Curriculum Vitae" may give the impression that you enjoy
drinking V-8 daily. It could happen, you know.
10. Pyrotechnics only qualify as good experience if no man, woman,
child or small animal were hurt in the explosion. In other words,
setting the neighbour's cat on fire DOES NOT count.
11. Chores around the house help, but only sometimes. If doing
the cooking once a week has sent your family to get their stomachs
pumped every seven days, it may be best to leave it out.
12. Even the most clever of crimes make bad listings for
employment experience.
13. Your education does not include that time your older brother
brought home an issue of Playboy.
14. Many employers like to see hobbies listed on a resum�, and
I agree that it's a good idea, but please refrain from mentioning
the following leisure activities:
- extortion
- cow-tipping
- the use of women's underwear as colourful hats
- blowin' things up (but see #10 - pyrotechnics)
- watching the paint dry
15. If you're applying for a position with the likes of Greenpeace,
it's better to hand them a blank resum� than one that includes your
many years clubbing seals, working in the circus, and dealing in
ivory. (I grasped this concept thanks to the Simpsons.)
16. Cash experience is not attained by bumming money off your friends.
17. Many people think that "dressing-up" a position title will help,
but to most employers, bovine sanitation engineer still means that
you spent last summer shovelling bullshit.
18. I know that many people strive to present themselves a certain
way for certain jobs. For instance, a wannabe waiter might want
to seem artsy. Just keep in mind the following tips:
- sailors do not talk like Popeye
- chefs do not cap off every sentence with Momma-mia!
- police cadets look nothing like the guys in the Police
Academy movies
- carpenters don't eat sawdust
- mailmen do not always carry loaded weapons
19. And lastly, in order to give the impression that you're of
sound mind and body, don't mention that you read "mm_ca: a
dedication to nonsense".
Of course, these are only guidelines, you don't have to take
my advice. But when you're out on the street, and no body'll be
your friend, don't come crawling to me. I mean that, Winnipeg
potholes are really hard on the knees.
What if famous people needed to submit resumes?
"Famous People Next Job Interviews"
Julius Caesar - My last job involved a lot of
office politics and back stabbing. I'd like
to get away from all that.
Jesse James - I can list among my experience
and skills: leadership, extensive travel,
logistical organization, intimate understanding
of firearms, and a knowledge of security
measures at numerous banks.
Lucretia Borgia - My greatest accomplishment?
after I took over the department, our competition
just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.
Pandora - I can bring a lot to your company. I
like discovering new things.
Genghis Khan - My primary talent is downsizing.
On my last job, I downsized my staff, my
organization, and the populations of several
countries.
MacBeth - Would I go after my boss's job?
Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock
off his boss for a promotion?
Lady Godiva - What do mean this isn't
business casual?
Elvis - My last boss and I... say, are you
going to eat those fries?
YOU SHOULD NEVER HIRE ANYONE
Whose resume is printed in crayon.
Who asks to be addressed as "Frenchy," "Swifty", or
"Your Grace."
Who makes observations such as, "Torquemada, now there was
a motivational wizard."
Who hisses at your questions.
Whose "interview suit" is red-and-white checked.
Who prefers to work while sitting in a washtub filled with
Roosevelt dimes.
Who carries a $200 attach� case with a SEE ROCK CITY bumper
sticker on it.
Who thinks your corporate logo should be redesigned
by Hanna Barbera.
Who has an extensive background as a: (a) religious fanatic,
(b) paid informant, (c) harbor buoy, (d) human fly, or
(e) UFO captive.
Who quotes Leon Trotsky more than four times, Abbie Hoffman
more than twice, or Morris the Cat at all.
Who was once discharged for booby-trapping their Rolodex.
Who breaks into racking sobs when asked to name a
personal reference.
Whose resume is self-incriminating.
Who demands repeated assurances that your firm hires
"only the undead."
Who says, "For sure," more times than you can keep count of.
Who wears a Walkman -- or carries a cassette player the
size of a life raft.
Whose resume includes extensive dialogue.
Who took their MBA at Ernie's University in Reno, Nevada,
or from any institute of higher learning whose address
is a post office box.
Who applies for employment while wearing: (a) a ski mask,
(b) polyester chaps, (c) too much jewelry to stand upright,
(d) camouflage clothing and makeup, (e) a sheet,
(f) a toupee with a small alligator-logo on it.
Who presumes that the Ayatollah Khomeini's birthday
is a paid holiday.
Whose resume rhymes.
Whose hair is crew-cut in the shape of a swastika.
Who occasionally lapses into pig Latin.
Who is accompanied by his (or her): (a) slave, (b) attorney
with a tape recorder, (c) bodyguard, (d) teddy bear,
(e) police escort, (f) mother.
Who smells like a campfire.
Who brags about being "smarter than any three of the jerks
I've worked for."
Whose resume runs longer than 40 pages.
Who uses the phrase, "Laundry is my life."
Who remarks that he (or she) has always felt a deep spiritual
kinship to the ostrich (or shark, buzzard, leech, or slug).
Whose resume is pasted together out of old newspaper
headline fragments.
Who expresses an obsessive interest in the location of all
the workplace fire exits.
Whose notions of "no-holds-barred marketing" would violate
the Geneva Conventions.
Who had anything instrumental to do with: (a) Chrysler
before Iacocca, (b) Three-Mile Island, (c) the Iranian
rescue mission, (d) the Nehru jacket, (e) gold at $750
an ounce.
Whose resume was printed in North Korea.
Who is unable to decide what their hair and eye colors are.
Who names, under To Be Notified in Case of Emergency, anyone
in the Manson Family.
Who has gone on public record challenging Muammar Khaddafi
to a nude wrestling match, "winner take Libya."
Whose primary working requirement is "a window office with
a nice wide ledge overlooking a busy sidewalk -- hopefully
above the tenth floor."
Whose resume is printed on gag stationery.
whose Social Security number has less than five digits.
Whose idea of a "top-notch" executive perk is immunity
from prosecution.
Who talks more rapidly than the man in the Federal Express
commercials.
Who is, by court order, on permanent intravenous sedation.
Whose resume begins, Call me Ishmael.
Who tries to impress you with his (or her) repertoire of
"knock-knock" jokes.
Who, under Salary Requirements, scrawls "I want it all now!"
Who sings their resume to the tune of "Louie Louie."
Who offers to show you his (or her): (a) baseball card
collection, (b) appendectomy scar, (c) diary, (d) chicken
suit, (e) (bleep).
Because they remind you of yourself.
Things Not To Put In A Resume Cover Letter
1. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
2. My turn-ons include...
3. I'm really keen to work for you - I hear the drugs are good.
4. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every
company I have worked for has since closed down.
5. I'll kill myself if I don't get this job.
6. I know where you live.
7. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
8. Happy faces.
9. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
10. I'm confident that I'll get this job. God told me.
Resume Rejection Reply Form Letter
The following is a great "Dead Letter" received from
Gengying Gao (via NutWorks). This will be particularly
useful for those of you that will be submitting job
applications to college departments. With a little
creative editing, we are sure you'll have no problem
replying to your resume reject letters as well...
[your name]
[address]
[phone #]
15 April 1997
Prof. ________
Chairman, Personnel Committee
Department of Computer Science
[rest of address]
Dear Prof. ________:
I have received your letter of 10 April. If the members of
the Personnel Committee were impressed with my credentials,
why did they not at least invite me for an interview, even
if someone of my unusual interests and admittedly limited
experience is not precisely the sort of person they had in
mind? The fact is that you are telling a damned lie. I had
much rather you had written back that the Committee had a
good laugh over my application, and quoted one member to the
effect that "there's no f---ing way we'd hire a turkey like
that." Lies and hypocrisy disgust me and will put you at
risk for eternal damnation.
Furthermore, I resent your attempt to raise false hope
in me by suggesting that additional positions might become
available and that therefore I still have a slight chance
of being hired by your adequate but highly-overrated
Department. I am well aware of the financial difficulties
of the state government in ___, and we both know that you
are lucky to be hiring anyone at all.
That even one more position should open up is exceedingly
unlikely, and that you would even contemplate hiring me to
fill it is ludicrous. Rest assured, however, that I will
refuse any future offers. I do not wish to be associated
with persons of such low moral character and vicious behavior.
Wishing you all a slow and painful death followed by an
eternity in Hell, I remain,
Cordially yours,
[signature in green ink]
Markian M. Gooley
(Ph. D., University of Illinois at Urbana,
a far better school than any of you scumbags
got a degree from)
The Ideal Resume
This is an actual job application someone submitted for
a fast-food establishment.
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's
not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday,
and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would
I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question
here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in
Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like
to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO
THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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