You are probably acquainted with the Ten Commandments. These ten
rules of conduct are now something like three thousand years old.
They were certainly appropriate for the time when they were given,
but this is the Age of Information, and there is need for something
more up-to-date.
Determining exactly what we need will of course require much
discussion; to provide a starting point I include my own list of
rules. These may of course be of no use to you, but I don't claim
to be a prophet.
My Personal Philosophy
1. Thou shalt not bore thy neighbors by expounding thy personal
philosophy to them.
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THE NEW & IMPROVED 10 COMMANDMENTS!
10. Thou shalt register thine weapon so that in the event thou dost
kill, thou shalt be easily found and reminded of the original
"Thou shalt not kill" commandment. And also, it provides ample
time to knit thou a lovely gun cosy for Xmas.
9. Thou shalt still honour the Sabbath, but in the event thou art
scheduled to work, thou mayest swap Sabbaths with someone of a
differing religion which has it's Sabbath on thine day off. And
also, thou can play cards, drink, and generally be sinful, as
long as thou promise to swap penance with someone who's built
up a glut of "Heaven Things."
8. Thou shalt honour thy legal guardians, unless of course thine
therapist suggests they're too dysfunctional to be worth the
bother. Also, thou can put them away in a home any old time
thou feels like it, but thou should at least try to visit once
in a while. OK, how 'bout a phone call? No? Thou art a jerk.
7. Thou shalt not covet thine neighbour's spouse, nor their lover
that they've taken for the Summer, nor their relatives, nor
them either. Thou should buyest a magazine.
6. Thou shalt not steal...unless it's antiperspirant.
In that case, please dost.
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's baked goods, nor their
gardening supplies, nor their camper, nor their rotten children,
nor that expensive bottle of scotch thou gavest them for Xmas,
nor anything that belongs to them. Thou mayest, however, "borrow"
any of these items and then conveniently "forget" to take it back
- unless it's a perishable food item like coleslaw.
4. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain, with the following
exceptions:
a) Thou hast inadvertently made an appointment with whomever did
Tori Spelling's last hairdo.
b) Thou hast been saddled with co-workers who useth "action"
as a verb.
c) It's the second coming and the Lord has returned, but only if
the Lord seems confused and has wandered aimlessly onto your
estate and they don't look like they're about to do any yardwork.
3. Thou shalt not be tiresome in thine conversation, nor in thine
choice of clothing, nor in thine work habits. Thou may, however,
go jump in the lake.
2. Thou shalt not pay a lot for this muffler.
1. I am the new improved "Lemon Fresh God" and thou shalt have no Gods
before me, not a "Potpourri God" nor a "Meadow Fresh God" nor even
a "Double Action Blammo Dirt To Hell God."
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments
in any order.
She wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
And Moses came down from the mountain saying "I have good news
and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10. The bad
news is that adultery is still in."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six-year olds. After explaining the commandment to
"honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Didn't God break the 10th commandment with Mary?
Didn't Mary break the 7th commandment with God?
God comes down to Earth in order to give humanity the commandments.
First he comes to France.
- I would like to give to you my commandments.
- Commandments, what do you mean?
- For instance "Thou shalt not commit adultery"
- Hm, sorry, I do not think that is for us.
So God goes to Italy.
- I would like to give to you my commandments.
- What kind of commandments? Can you give an example?
- E.g. "Thou shalt not commit adultery"
- Hmm, not here. Try some other place.
So God walks off again and after a long walk he comes to Sinai, where
he finds Moses sitting on a mountain. So God approaches Moses.
- I would like to give to you my commandments.
- Commandments? Well, how much do they cost?
- Nothing, I give them away for free.
- Well, in that case I take ten.
The Ten Commandments of Love
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of they Squeeze in vain, nor
badmouth me behind my back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
embarrassed to be seen with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about
it if thou knowest what's good for thee.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy
bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls
from my telephone.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's
house.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or
daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.
The Ten Commandments (In Ebonics)
1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don'
dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.
Top Ten Worst Commandments
10. Love thy neighbor, but relentlessly persecute that fucking
heathen down the block
9. Thou shalt not kill, except in the name of God.
8. Thou shalt not have sex.
7. Thou shalt not think of sex.
6. Thou shalt not even *LIKE* sex
5. (But) If you don't have sex, thou damnst well better not jerk off.
4. Do not what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law
3. Thou shalt not use mind expanding agents, for thou couldst see
the truth
2. 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 1 and don't even question it!
1. Thou shalt not BLASPHEME the Lord!
The Ten Commandments and what they really mean.
1. You shall have no other gods before me (except for money which is
what religion is all about anyway. Just ask Jim Bakker, Pat Robertson
or Jerry Falwell. Praise the Lord and pass the collection plate.)
2. You shall not make for yourself an idol (except for inflatable latex
dolls that are anatomically correct) in the form of anything in heaven
above (no rubber chickens) or beneath the earth (no rubber gophers) or
in the waters below (no rubber squid). You shall not bow down to them
or worship them (but it is permissible to possess carnal knowledge of
them if you like that kind of thing) for I the Lord your god (also
know as the Federal Reserve Board) am a jealous god, punishing the
children for the sins of the father (don't fuck with me or I will put
the IRS on your ASS and you won't know whether to shit or play polo.)
to the 3rd and 4th generation of those that hate me, but showing love
to a 1000 generations of those that love me (and offer me kickbacks
and bribes) and keep my commandments.
3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your god (understand
me you god damn mother fucking son of a bitch?!).
4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. Six days shall you
labor and do all your work (of course it is permissible to work on
the seventh day if one is paid triple time).
5. Honor thy Father and your Mother so you may live long in the land
the lord your god is giving you. (which will be repossessed if you
don't keep up those payments)
6. You shall not murder (except in the name of god, country or for
the appropriate remuneration).
7. You shall not commit adultery (unless you like that kind of thing).
8. You shall not steal (see exceptions to number 6).
9. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor (unless
there is a profit to be made. Then lie your head off.)
10 You shall not covet thy neighbors house (unless it is nicer than
yours). You shall not covet thy neighbors wife (unless she has big
tits and fucks like a mink) or his manservant or his maidservant (see
previous exception but include a large whanger for the manservant--if
you like that kind of thing) his ox (if you like that kind of thing)
his donkey (naw, they kick too hard) or anything that belongs to your
neighbor (unless you can justify in your own mind that it truly should
be yours).
Excerpted from David M. Bader's "How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew"
(Avon Books, 1994)
... It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into
the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh
Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely
Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at
all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated
when he delivered them.
The Ten Suggestions
1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods
besides me.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a
shop class.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy God in vain without the
express written consent of Adonai thy God. The name "Adonai thy God"
is the sole property of Adonai thy God. Any use of the name of Adonai
thy God without the express written consent of Adonai thy God is
unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy God.
4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.
5. Honor thy single parent.
6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.
8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing
before Judge Judy.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks,
or his power tools.
A Conversation Between Moses and God...
"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, they are
important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of
course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you
didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"Well, My Son always saves, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.
I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he
change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh
and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people
pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was
scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that
stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a
computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think
he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I
lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just
go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out
and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward
the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who
knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours.
By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman
told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one
of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to
be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and
'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone
tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"
I am the LORD thy God and I give you these Ten Commandments:
1 I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall
not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are "cool,"
"nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods before Me, and
claiming that they are better architects, which is a sore spot and,
hence, right out.
2 You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vein. Drugs are
fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.
3 You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day, Victoria
Day for the Canadians and My Kid's birthday. Make sure to look for the
bargains for this last one, though, but don't let it stop you from
spending. Remember: The more thou spendest, the holier thou art.
4 Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father molests thee. For
abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy affliction...
naneenaneebooboo.
5 You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, My Kid or the Pope
or any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to
hunt commies or sissies.
6 You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women.
Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must
be stopped. I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill
My quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use
them just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me.
Why this is, I don't know, but I don't need to, being God.
7 Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or
government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work
it in to the state or national charter.
8 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy
neighbor is a commie or heathen, which I despiseth, or unless thou art
a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so long as
thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).
9 Go ahead and covet.
10 Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning,
which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion
and kill anyone who questions thou.
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