The new preacher, at his first service had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone. After the service someone asked an elderly church member, "How did you like the new pastor?" "Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water." The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up." Nobody stood up. "Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up." One demure little woman stood up. "Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed. "I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife." One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain. The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious. "We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said. "But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe." "Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?" The minister told the story of a lady and her five-year old son. The lady wanted her son to attend Sunday morning service, but she couldn't sit with him because she sang in the choir. So, she asked the boy's grandfather to accompany him. Realizing that older gent always nodded off during services, the lady offered her son fifty cents to keep him awake. Half way through the sermon the lady glanced from the choir loft and saw/heard her snoring relative. Upon questioning the boy after Church as to why he didn't do his "paid" job of keeping grandfather awake, the boy said that grandfather offered him a dollar to let him sleep. In church this past sunday, we celebrated Communion. During the "children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about. "The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?" I turned to the guy next to me, and said, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?" After church, a woman shook the pastor's hand at the door and went on and on in her praise. "That sermon," she exclaimed, "was one of the most wonderful I've ever heard!" The humble pastor couldn't accept such a great compliment. "Oh, it really wasn't me," he said, "It was all the Lord." "Oh, no," she quickly assured him, "it wasn't THAT good." Every Sunday the pastor would observe Sam Campbell and his wife Sara, holding hands. And they held hands all through the service. It made him happy to see two such loving old folks. One Sunday, greeting the congregation as they filed out the door, the pastor said to Sam and Sara, "It sure does my heart good to see two such loving people as you, Mr. and Mrs. Campbell. It's quite an inspiration." Sara looked up at him and grinned, saying, "That ain't love, Pastor. It's the only way I can keep him from cracking his knuckles during the service." On Ash Wednesday, congregants at Kilbourne (Ohio) United Methodist Church were coming forward for the imposition of ashes on their foreheads. Two-year-old Brenna Wagoner, upset that her mother was not taking her to the altar, was overheard exclaiming, "But I want to get a tattoo just like Daddy's!" My wife and I were in a church service. There was an older gentleman in the audience near the front who would periodically interject a "Praise God" or "Amen, brother". During the sermon, the pastor began speaking about Solomon and mentioned his 700 wives and concubines when the old man said "Lord have mercy". Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To this the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!" A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches...and for the spirit in which they were given!" Surviving Boring Sermons Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts. Put stray dogs in the coat closets! Untune the piano! Ten minutes before the mass starts, give a dollar to a kid in the front row and tell the youngster to ask the minister, "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?" Eat dry Cap'n Crunch or Count Chocula throughout the entire mass. Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say, "Oh shit, this isn't the wedding!" Run out of the church. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face. Hand out condoms. Ask where the nearest ashtray is. Drool in the collection plate. Pee in the holy water. Position several bottle rockets on the floor, and light 'em! Do "the wave", like at a Reds game. Walk up and down the aisle selling peanuts and beer, yelling, "Get your ice cold beer here!" Fart! Have a friend shout, "Hark! An angel has spoken!" Fake a possession. Blow huge bubbles with bubble gum that pop and stick in your hair. Get somebody else to blow a bubble with bubble gum, and shoot straw paper at the bubble. Spit out your gum in the grape juice that everyone drinks out of. For the part of the mass when you shake hands, be sure you have either a buzzer or a booger in your hand. Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out. Do cool things with the lighting. When the choir sings, roll your eyes and whine, "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?" Make up your own lyrics to the songs. Replace the organist's sheet music with "Stayin' Alive". Go through all the hymnals and mark song 666. Write on the bathroom wall, "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!" Inflate balloons and send 'em off! When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number. Put a piece of poop wrapped in toilet paper in the collection plate. Have the stained-glass windows replaced overnight with new ones depicting pornographic or ridiculous images. Send the bill to the pastor. If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother, "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!" Wear a clown costume to Easter mass! Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen. For a church supper, bring a casserole with a piece of a wristwatch or a pubic hair embedded inside. Mark places in the Bibles or hymnals with religious-themed "Far Side" cartoons or copies of The Last Word. Open up a Bible to the Ten Commandments. Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned. During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, say, "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago." Pierce the body of a small dead animal with stainless-steel wire, and wear it in your ear like an earring. Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if he turns the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest/preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church notice sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory. Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. Practice smiling insincerely. The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I could not stop talking!" A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on that afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God. We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there." "Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. "It has come to my attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise." Not a woman stirred. "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly," the priest intoned. "But it is necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to rise." And still not a woman stirred. Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? I ask you in the name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!" And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully. The preacher stared with astonishment at her. "Young woman, I have asked for virgins to stand." "Father," the young lady answered indignantly, "do you really expect this six-month-old child to stand by herself?" A popular preacher was admonishing a class of divinity students on the importance of making their facial expressions harmonize with their speech in delivering sermons. "When you speak of heaven," he said, "let your face light up and be irradiated with a heavenly gleam. Let your eyes shine with reflected glory. And when you speak of hell...well, then your everyday face will do." A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed in a costume of the devil. On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church where a revival meeting was in progress. At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter through the doors and windows. One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a member of this church for 20 years, but I've really been on your side all the time." One Sunday morning the congregation of a ritzy church (with vaulted ceilings, handcarved oak pews, stained glass windows and deep plush carpet) had a stir. A man came in just minutes before the service was to begin and he was dressed horribly, was stinking, had on old boots, torn overalls, a dirty flannel shirt, and a dusty cowboy hat. The congregation was aghast! Many quickly sent notes to the minister about this concern. At the end of the services the minister greeted the humbly dressed man and asked him if he enjoyed the service. The man exclaimed that he enjoyed it very much. The minister asked the man to consider possibly dressing differently, and taking a shower, and told him to pray to Jesus about how he would have him dress if he should return again. The next week the man returned. He was dressed the same and once again the congregation was disturbed. At the end of the service the minister greeted the man again and asked him what he had been told by Jesus concerning his how to dress for church. The man exclaimed. "I spoke with Jesus about this but Jesus said he didn't know how I should dress for "this church" because He has never been here. After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him!" A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety. Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it. 2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me". 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!" 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word and anyone who could think of a hymn that involved that word, just start singing and we will all join in. He called out WOOD...and in just a second 10 people started singing The Old Rugged Cross. He called out LOVE, and a little 6 year old started singing Jesus Loves me. He then called out SEX. Not a sound. Again he called out SEX. A little old lady in the back row suddenly stood up and started singing, Precious Memories The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! A minister was preparing a sermon on sex. His wife said, "Dear, I'm not sure you should discuss that subject. Speak about something else. Sex is so private." "You're probably right, dear. I think I'll talk about sailing." That night the minister's wife became ill. She was still in bed that Sunday morning. Her absence freed him to discuss sex. After church was out, two of the women of the congregation visited the wife. They talked about the minister's sermon. He had spoken with such gusto and vigor. The minister's wife said, "How could he sound so smart? He only did it twice...once in the harbor and once just past the breakwater. And both times he threw up!" A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." A preacher always got into his sermon about noon. At that time, the train would go through the town and blow its whistle. Several members of the congregation went to the train company and begged them to change the schedule. The darn whistle was waking everybody up! A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. One Sunday, the wife decided to do something about it, so she picked up a long hat pin and took it with her to church. While sitting in church, the wife noticed that her husband was once again falling asleep, and as the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days?", she poked her husband who jumped from the pew and shouted, "Good god all mighty!" The minister looked at the man and said, "That's right, that's right...", and he continued with the sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. Later on, once again the man began to doze off, and just as the minister reached "...and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?", the wife again poked her husband, and he leaped from the pew and shouted "Jesus Christ!" The minister again looked at the man and said, "That's right, that's right...", and went on with the sermon. The man sat back down, and gave his wife an angry look. Even so, the man was tired and ten minutes later he was feeling incredibly sleepy, so he closed his eyes and leaned his head back. His wife noticed that he was about to fall asleep again, so she pulled out the hat pin, and just as the minister said, "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?", she poked him as hard as she could. The man sprang from the pew and shouted, "If you stick me with that damn thing again I'm going to break it in two!" A church burned down and the people had no place to hold there Sunday morning service. There was a bar right across the street, so the minister arranged to hold the service there since the bar was normally closed on Sunday morning. The minister is only concerned that the parrot who lives on a perch in the bar will use foul language. The owner of the bar assures the minister that the parrot never uses bad language since it's really a Baptist parrot. So, Sunday rolls around. The minister walks in and the parrot looks up and says, "Hey, look at that. A new bartender!" A few minutes later, the deacons walk in and the parrot says, "Hey, look at that. New waiters!" Several minutes later, all the parishoners walk in. The parrot looks up and says, "Oh, well, same old customers..." A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." For a special family day mass. I invited my parents to join me at my church. Unlike theirs, mine uses a overhead projector for the words to new hymns to appear on a screen for the whole congregation to see. All through the singing, and even after, I could see my dad beaming. When I asked him how he liked the service, he answered, "It was wonderful, but my favorite part was the karaoke!" "I think we need to change the morning hymn," said the minister to his song leader. "My topic this morning is `gossip.' I don't think `I Love to Tell the Story' would be the best song." Fr. McGillicudy couldn't get any money from his congregations, so he took a course in hypnotism. At Sunday Mass McGillicudy waved his little watch from the pulpit, back and forth, back and forth. He asked the congregation to put five bucks in the basket and they all did. He thought this was great. The following Sunday he did the same thing only this time he asked for ten bucks and they all put ten bucks in the basket. He thought this was really turning into something. So the next Sunday he was swinging his watch back and forth, back and forth and he accidently dropped it. "Oh shit", he said and they did and it cost him $2,000 dollars to clean the church. Two elderly excited women who were sitting together in the front pew of church with a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs... AMEN... BROTHER! When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again... PREACH IT REVEREND! And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying...they jumped to their feet and screamed. RIGHT ON BROTHER...TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN! But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got quiet and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'." A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of human experiences could be found there. After the sermon, he was approached by a woman who told the preacher, "I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would find it for her. The following week, after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends, I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends ...that you were a wizard under the sheets." Things You Never Hear in Church 1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. 2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. 5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. 6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. 7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! 8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early. 9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. 10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign! After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way out. The minister recognized the young man as one whom he had married a couple of months before. As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?" "Certainly not," replied the preacher. "Well...in that case...could I have the $50 back that I gave you for marrying me?" A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'." You don't know your way... The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven." "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office." One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried." Her husband looked over at her & said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, & give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired ?" "Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them." Every Sunday Ol' Jeb would go to sleep half way through the sermon, sometimes to the point of snoring. The Preacher decided to have some fun with Jeb, so the following Sunday, he began his sermon as usual. Soon he noticed Jeb was drifting off to sleep, so he began to talk softly. "Now friends", he said to the congregation, "I'm sure that each one of you here is a God-fearing Christian, and wants to go to heaven", and the congregation all nodded agreement. The Preacher continued softly "Well, if there's anyone here that doesn't want to go to heaven, and wants to go to Hell, then..." and the preacher takes a deep breath and shouts "STAND UP!" Well, Jeb is startled awake with the shouting and instantly jumps to his feet! The Preacher looks over his pulpit at Jed and asks "Jed, are you really sure you want to be standing up?" Jeb looks around and replies, "Well, Preacher, you're the only other one a-standin', but I'm with you all the way!" A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6-year-old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week. "Oh, he's a very busy man," the father replied. "He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor...And then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know." The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't easy, either." At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes... and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning." The father commented, "The sermon was too long." Their 7-yr. old daughter added: "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dime." A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. He started out with a quote, "Behold I cometh..." but he couldn't remember the rest of it. In the seminary, they had told him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him. So, he said again, "Behold I cometh....' but he still couldn't remember. So he reared back and shouted again, "BEHOLD I COMETH..." but this time, he tripped over the pulpit and fell onto a little woman sitting in the first row. He was embarrassed and started apologizing. "It ain't your fault," the woman said. "You told me you was coming three times, and I never did move!" Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well. About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!" A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those who want to go to heaven, put up your hands!" Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands...everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the door post at the back of the room. All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and said, "Preacher, that was too easy. How d'ya know if these folks are serious? I c'n gar-an-tee to prove who really means it an' who don't!" Bemused and not a little frightenened the preacher said, "Ok, stranger, go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test. Ask them anything you want." At that the cowpoke pulled his twin six-shooters, turned to the audience and said, "Alright...who wants to go heaven...raise your hands!" During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' " One beautiful Sunday morning, a Minister announced to his congregation, "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $1,000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver." A woman whose husband kept falling asleep in church during the sermon went to the minister to see if he had any suggestions. The minister talked with her awhile and counseled against hitting him or sticking him with a pin, and suggested she put some limburgher cheese in a jar and when the husband fell asleep to put it under his nose and open it to get his attention. Sure enough, during next Sunday's sermon, the husband fell asleep, so the wife put the bottle under his nose and cracked the top and took it away. The husband roused slightly and went back to sleep. Then the wife took the bottle and opened it under is nose and he brushed it away with his hand, still sleeping. Finally she jammed it under his nose and he sat straight up yelling "Jeezus Martha, get your damned feet off the pillow." A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has a higher place. He says to Saint Peter, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." Saint Peter says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep." Saint Peter says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed." One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him ALL the hay." The minister made the following statement to his congregation, "I don't mind if any of you take a nap during my sermon. I'd rather have a dozing attendant, than a wide-awake absentee." A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where the Star Spangled Banner was sung before the start of the game. Then the father and the son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang that song, and after everyone sat down, the boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL" In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases. They might help initiate football fans into the complexities of church life. Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation. Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship. Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime". Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member. Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service. Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer. Blocking - Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting. Draft Choice - The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent. End Zone - The pews. Extra Point - What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short. Illegal Motion - Leaving before the benediction. Interference - Talking during the organ prelude. The suggestion has been made that preachers could get more husbands to church if they'd have beautiful ushers, as pretty as airline hostesses. Obviously, the wives would then go along for security's sake. The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." A six year old boy was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at church service. "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us." A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..." Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well...," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus... but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" One day the Devil appeared in a small town church just as services were concluded. The preacher and his flock wasted no time to get the hell out of there upon seeing the Devil. All except for one old man. He just sat there looking half asleep. The Devil walked up to the old man and asked, "Do you know who I am?" "Sure. You`re Satan." "And you`re not afraid of me?" "Afraid of you? Why should I be afraid of you? I`ve been married to your sister for 50 years." On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied, "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." The church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and announced "who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up". A gay man stood up and said "I did". The preacher told him "since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymes." Excitedly, the gay guy said, "well I'll take him and him and him." One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor", replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?" A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." The minister addressed his congregation. "There is a certain man among us today who is flirting with another man's wife. Unless he puts ten dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit." When the collection plate came in, there were 19 ten-dollar bills, and a five-dollar bill with this note attached: "Another five on payday." After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" Well, I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen." A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, `And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'" Mr. Perkins, a church member, raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that." The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men on five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy gent, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?" "I sure could," replied Mr. Perkins. "How would you do it?" "With all the food left over from last Sunday!" Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady. "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "Well what is it, Mary?" "Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father." "Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?" "Well, yes he did father," replied Mary. "What did he ask, Mary?" Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'" A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church." A man came home and saw his children along with a group of the neighbourhood children gathered around the front steps. He asked what it was they were doing. "We're playing church." one said. The puzzled Father inquired further and was told, "Well, we've already sung, prayed and listened to the sermon. Now, we're all outside smoking." A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper, "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket. After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate." The Reverend looks stunned, and says, "NO SHIT?" After a church service, a little boy told the Pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very nice of you," he smiled, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had." Every Sunday, in church, our minister has a brief "Children's Time" where all of the children sit in a circle, he says a few inspirational words and they go off to Sunday school. One time in December, he called up the children and was talking about advent. "So, before we light this candle," he said, "can anyone tell me why we are lighting it?" A child raised her hand and said, "Because it's the last day of advent?" "No, that's not it," the minister said, "Does anyone else know?" All the children were quiet for a moment, then one boy blurted out, "Because it's Chanukah!" Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!" Looking out into the congregation, the young minister noted that the bishop was in attendance. After the service was over, the minister was shaking hands as the bishop exited. "How did you like my sermon, Bishop," the young man asked. "Young man, it was like the peace and mercy of God," replied the bishop. "It was like his peace in that it passed all understanding and like his mercy in that I thought it would endure forever." A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the priest went to see him and found him in excellent health, The priest asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, padre," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!" The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?" "Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts." "Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!" "Of course not reverend." she said. "You're not plugged in yet." The crumbling, old church building needed remodelling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister. He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?" My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat." A pastor was addressing the children during the Christmas service. "Who is the mother of Jesus?" he asked them. Without hesitation, dozens of tiny voices chorused back "Mary." "That's right. Now who can tell me who is the father of Jesus?" There was quiet and fidgeting. After all, no one told them there was going to be a quiz. Then a young girl spoke up. With assurance, she boldly announced, "I know! It's Virg." After two more seconds of silence the entire community erupted in laughter. The young girl blushed but nevertheless continued, "Of course!... We all know it was Virg 'n Mary. "I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." An elderly woman, who lived just a block from the church, never missed a Sunday service for most of her life. Each week, as she greeted the pastor after church, she would always say, "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. THEY really needed that!" One cold winter day, after a heavy snowfall with most of the town buried in deep drifts, she was the only one who showed up for church. The pastor decided that he would take advantage of the situation by preaching a sermon on the evils of being self-righteous and hypocritical. As she left the church, the woman greeted the pastor as usual and exclaimed, "Reverend, that was one of the best sermons you ever preached. It was really great. If THEY had been here, THEY really would have needed that!" Word was quickly spreading throughout town regarding the new priest at St. Mathew's Church. Rumor had it that this man could really deliver an old fashioned "fire and brimstone" sermon. I decided to attend a service to see for myself what all the excitement was about. Here is what I witnessed: This man is impressive. He captivates his audience and delivers a great spiel, the highlight being when he threw his arms up towards the heavens and in a beautiful baritone voice exclaimed, "And fire came from heaven", Incredibly enough, small flames could be seen twirling down from the heights of the ceiling. The congregation became mesmerized, but I, in my usual skepticism, peered towards the ceiling looking for the means this priest was using to thrust the treachery upon us. I did not see anything unusual. The next Sunday I felt compelled to return to St. Mathew's for mass. Once again the priest put on an incredible show for all to witness, then suddenly threw his arms towards the heavens and exclaimed, "And fire came from heaven" Nothing happened, and he spoke louder this time, "And Fire Came From Heaven" Still nothing, the priest now looking embarrassed and impatient screamed, "AND FIRE ... CAME FROM HEAVEN" Suddenly a parrot, (I believe) stuck his head through a small hole and yelled into the church, "Sorry, cat pissed on the matches!" |
|