A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it." The new bride wanted to make sure she was doing everything properly. So she went to confession one Saturday and asked Father McCarthy, "Father, is it all right to have intercourse before communion?" "Certainly, my dear," the priest replied. "As long as we don't make too much noise." What's the best selling dirty magazine among the clergy? Repenthouse! Methodist preacher, discussing morals, tells his Southern Baptist preacher friend, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?" "I don't know, what was her maiden name?" How did the priest contract AIDS? He didn't clean his organ between hymns. What does a Christmas tree have in common with a priest? The balls are just for decoration. Did you hear the one about the woman who chased the young minister all through the church? She caught him by the organ. What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13. A pastor got this note addressed to him and his wife accompanying a box of goodies from an old lady in the parish: "Dear Pastor: Knowing that you do not eat sweets, I am sending candy to your wife...and nuts to you." A bishop discovered a tribe of Eskimos in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptising and confirming everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by. Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most. "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!" Two priests were going to the French Riviera on vacation and decided that they would make this a real adventure by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. That would be easy because the Riviera is clothing optional. So as soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really big, outrageous, snazzy sunglasses. The next morning, the priests went to the beach wearing only sun block, the sunglasses and a smile. They were sitting on beach chairs enjoying a drink, when a drop dead gorgeous blonde, obviously natural, came walking straight toward them with her breasts swinging like church bells. They couldn't help but stare and then she smiled and said, "Good morning Father, good morning Father," nodding and addressing each one of them individually, then passed on by. They were stunned -- how in the world did she recognise them as priests? The next day they went back to the store to buy huge outrageous hats to complete the disguise. Again they settled on the beach, in their chairs, drinks in hand, to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing only a sun hat this time, came walking toward them again. She approached them and greeted them individually, "Good morning, Father, good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?!" "Oh, Father, don't you recognise me? I'm Sister Angela." A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church." The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus." Most people will frankly admit that they felt great nervousness before making a speech. A well-known British Bishop once told his audience, "I feel rather like a swan." The audience laughed, but was a bit puzzled. The Bishop continued, "I look all calm and serene on the surface, but I'm paddling like the dickens underneath." There's been talk of a minister who kept his unpaid bills in a drawer marked, "Due Unto Others." The Jones family invited Minister Chubbs over for Sunday dinner. As they were about to dig in the minister said, "I'm now going to pray over the meal." Little Timmy jumped in and said, "Relax, Reverend. Mom's cooking isn't all that bad." Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?" Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." A priest, a rabbi and a Baptist minister went fishing. They rented a boat and set out. Around lunch, the rabbi says, "I'm hungry. I'm going to get a sandwich." He jumps out of the boat, walks on top of the water and gets his sandwich. He then returns. The priest is baffled but doesn't say anything. Later, the Baptist minister says, "I'm thirsty." He jumps out of the boat and runs across the top of the water. He returns the same way. The priest is now very puzzled. The priest then says, "We're almost out of bait, I'll go get some." He looks up in the sky then jumps out of the boat and sinks. The rabbi looks at the minister and says, "Maybe we should've told him where the rocks were!". A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed. The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13." One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," the boy informed him. A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said. He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the closet." "That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there." A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor. After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along. The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it. The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock. The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim." "A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice, "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000." There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?" The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas - that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation. His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit - to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over - the senior priest said, "Father John - your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members. And - Father John - it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day - for those who work "shift" work. However - Father John - that flashing neon sign that says - "TOOT and TELL or GO TO HELL" - has GOT TO GO!!! A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the priest. "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something." So the priest went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir." "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked. "Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing." That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!" A preacher and an attorney were talking one day about the mistakes they made in their respective professions, and how they dealt with them. The lawyer boasted that because he was a lawyer if he made a really big mistake he just shuffled a few papers and pulled a few legal maneuvers and covered it all up. If it was a small mistake he just ignored it and went on with life. The attorney turned to the preacher and asked "How do you do it, pastor?" The pastor said, "If it is a really large mistake I just turn to the Lord and ask forgiveness." The attorney interrupted him and asked, "But what about small mistakes, how do you handle them?" The preacher replied, "Well, just last Sunday in my sermon I was quoting Jesus from the gospel of John chapter 8 where he said, 'You are your father the devil, he was a LIAR from the beginning.' Instead I said, 'You are of your father the devil, he was LAWYER from the beginning.'" Upon hearing this the lawyer became indignant and retorted, "Well how did you handle it.?" The preacher replied, "It was such a small mistake that I just ignored it and went on." A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bike," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower, the preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pullin' on that string. It'll come back to ya'!" Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile." says the father "I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!" Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!" There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they could, were unable to produce children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest. "My children," the priest began, "God will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple. Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time - 15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit." And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought his counsel years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a dozen children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife. "My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!" "He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone. "Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest. She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, "TO BLOW OUT THAT DAMN CANDLE YOU LIT!" For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, "Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church." "Yes, yes, my child," replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you." "Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only..." "Only what, my child?" "Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!" "Well, now," said the priest, "Perhaps it's time to check out Father Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town." This is reported to be true story is about a pastor (who is not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from the church secretary. Secretary: Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice. Pastor: What?!?! (thinking: we've got mice in there????) Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls. Pastor: (incredulously:) Th..th...they did what?????? How in the world did they do that? Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something. Pastor: We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls... Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on 'em all the time. Pastor: What?????? (still thinking of the little fury real animals) Well...what can we do? Secretary: I guess we'll have to put 'em back on. Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!! Secretary: Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?! A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!" The neighbourhood's most notorious tippler making his way unsteadily homeward, encountered the parish priest, who inquired about the suspicious bulge in his coat pocket. "It's holy water, Father," the culprit protested piously. The priest removed the bottle, sniffed at it and announced that it contained whisky. "Glory be," cried the drunk. "A miracle!" The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school. "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. "But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer. "Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?" Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught." A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed." A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilisation. That is when God instils the spark of life into the fetus." "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin." "You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house." A Minister, Priest, and a Rabbi were discussing how donations were distributed. The minister said that when he gets the collection plate, he draws a circle on the ground and throws the plate up in the air. Whatever money lands outside the circle goes for the Lord's work, and whatever lands inside goes to his discretionary fund. The priest had a similar plan. He drew a line on the ground, threw the plate into the air, and whatever landed on the far side of the line, went to the Lord, and whatever landed on the near side went to his pay. The Rabbi said his was very similar. He takes all the donations, throws them as high as he can, and whatever God wants, He can keep! A huge flood occurs in the town the priest lived in, and he has to climb up on his roof to escape the water. As the water is rising almost to the roof, a canoe comes by and the man says, "come into the boat and I will save you!!" The priest says, "I will stay here, God will save me!" As the water is at his feet, a motorboat comes by, and the people say, "Come priest we will save you!" The priest says, "God will save me!" As the water is almost up to his chin, a helicopter comes overhead, and they say "climb into the plane," and the priest says again "No, God will save me!" At the point of almost drowning, the priest says, "God, I have been a good priest, and have always prayed to you. Why wont you save me?" Suddenly the voice of God answers, "What more could I do? I already sent you two boats and a helicopter!" Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole." Reasons Why A Minister Stopped Attending Sports Events: Every time I went, they asked me for money. The people with whom I had to sit didn't seem very friendly. The seats were too hard and not comfortable. The coach never came to call on me. The referee made a decision with which I could not agree. I was sitting with some hypocrites -- they came only to see what others were wearing. Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home. The band played some numbers that I had never heard before. The games are scheduled when I want to do other things. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up. Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches anyhow. I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best. I hate to wait in the traffic jam in the parking lot after the game. Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11 Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston Alabama plans to expand its death penalty to cover repeat child molestors... Supporters say this will also speed-up the execution process, since priests are able to give themselves last rites. Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read..."Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!" A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and barked, "Here Soap! Here Water!" A congregation honors their preist for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed. He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you." The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you." This little boy was sittin one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and he decided to talk to the little boy. The boy had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher seeing this said, "Son Holy water is the strongest liquid in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant womans belly she will pass a baby boy? The little boy thought about this one for a minute and said to the preacher. Oh no sir this is still the strongest. If you rub a little of this here stuff on a cats backside it will pass a motorcycle! A minister is driving down to New York for a radio show when he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The State trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!" A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank." At a mass where some young novices were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two local rabbis enter the church just before the service began. They insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. When it came time for the announcements, the bishop's curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become "Brides of Christ." The elder of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom." A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with , "Why when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog." In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the kindly, white haired, soft-spoken minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that crap out, I'd kick his butt to the moon." The mother said to her young son, "I'm going down to the cellar. If the butcher comes, let me know. I want to talk to him." A few minutes later the minister called. The boy, forgetting who his mother wanted to talk to, called downstairs, "Ma, that man's here now." The mother replied, "I can't come up yet. Give him a dollar out of my purse and tell him we didn't like his tongue last week... and if it's no better this week, we're going to change." Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets." Good News and Bad News For a Pastor Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied. Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the 'Gong Show,' 'Beavis and Butthead' and 'Texas Chain Saw Massacre.' Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation. Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war. Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. A rabbi, minister, and a priest were passengers aboard the Titanic. As the ship sank, the rabbi turned to the others and said, "You know, we should help the children." The minister said "Fuck the children!" The priest said, "But we don't have time for that." Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life. 'You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world,' she said. 'I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.' 'Excuse me, Mother,' one of the girls asked. 'You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?' 'Yes child, why do you ask?' 'Because the priests only give us candy!' During Lent, a Priest is so overwhelmed with religious fervor that he drops to his knees, puts his forehead to the ground and says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing." Not to look bad, the Deacon also puts gets down on his knees, puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing." Moved by their humility, a man in the fourth row steps into the aisle. He falls down on his knees, puts his forehead to the ground and says, "Before you Lord, I am nothing." The Deacon, noting the guy, elbows the Priest. "So," he whispers. "Look who thinks he's nothing." A man joined the preisthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words. The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 word were, "too cold". The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were, "bad food". The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were, "I quit". Good they said,"all you have done is complain." A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!" A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!" So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again." "Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink? The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much Pastor." replied the one lad. "We just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys! Boys! Boys!" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when was your age, I never even thought about sex at all." They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Pastor!" A young couple was expecting a visit from the pastor of their church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year old son was just getting the hang of potty training. He was at the stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, "I gotta pee," when he had to go to the bathroom. His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the minister came to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout that you've got to pee. Whisper!" That evening the pastor makes his visit. He's there a very long time and the two year old is on one foot and the other. Finally, the minister asks him, "What's the matter, son?" The child looks at his dad and says, "I've gotta whisper!" Pastor says, "It's all right, child. Whisper in my ear." A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!" A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest to discuss birth control, since they already had five children. The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable substitute in the eyes of the Church. The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted act and a sin; totally banned according to their faith. The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da game, you no make-a da rules." Charlie was a regular visitor at the race track. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and the horse won each time. So between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank to withdraw his life's savings, $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash on that horse, to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was far behind ... dead last! Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses which all became winners throughout the day. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Because of your failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life's savings." "That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest, "you never could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites." A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers. The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God's doorstep." The gang leader defiantly said, "F**k God." Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy laws and taking his name." The gang leader said, "F**k God's laws. You name one, I break it. I swear, I f**k , I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break every single f**king law the church has ever make." The priest said, "Do you really mean that?" The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law." "Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't committed." "Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it." Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide. So go kill yourself." A priest is walking around a fairgrounds one afternoon when a young lady walks up and says, "Excuse me sir, but are you aware you have your shirt on backwards". The priest replies, "No, you don't understand. I'm a father". The young lady says, "Well if you are a father you should set a good example and put your clothing on properly". The priest exclaims, "No, I'm afraid you still don't understand. I'm a father to thousands". "In that case", snapped the young lady, "Perhaps you should put your pants on backwards". One day this Priest decides to make some money for his church by going into thouroughbread horse racing. He goes to a horse auction with high hopes, but all he could afford was a racing donkey. The priest prays the night before the race and incredibly the donkey comes in 3rd. The newspaper headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS The priest enters the donkey in another race and as if by miracle the donkey wins 1st place. The newspaper headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The bishop was most annoyed by all this publicity and tells the priest to get rid of the donkey. The newspaper headlines read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS The priest decides to give the donkey to the head of a local convent. The newspapers read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop was extremely ticked off with all this bad publicity and demands that the nun get rid of the donkey. The newspapers read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR 10 BUCKS After reading the paper the bishop dies of a heart attack. The newspaper headlines read: TOO MUCH ASS KILLS BISHOP When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a nearby roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he spotted his old friend Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed at the bar. "What has happened to you, Frank?" asked the good reverend. "You used to be rich." Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that led to his downfall. "Go home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your finger on the page and there will be God's answer." Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank again. He was wearing a Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a Mercedes. "Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have really turned around for you." "Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank. "I opened my Bible as you said, put my finger down on the page and there was the answer -- Chapter 11!" On a scorching summer day, a young priest came to a deserted beach and did not resist a swim in the nude. As he was about to emerge, he saw a young lady coming closer. All he could do to be somehow decent was to grab his hat and cover the place where his underpants were missing. The young lady came to him; she knew that he was a priest, and asked him to bless her. The priest thought intensely for a while and then raised his hands to bless the young lady. So let us drink to the force that kept the hat in its place. There was this little boy who cussed all the time. One day, the preacher heard him and delivered a stern warning. He said that if he didn't stop, the Boogerman would get him. "Where is he?" the boy asked. "He's everywhere," the preacher said. "In Grandma's cellar?" "Yes." "I know that's a damn lie. Grandma ain't got no cellar!" A man was getting ready to jump off a building and become sidewalk pizza. A priest was called in to try and talk him out of it. Priest: Don't jump my son, think of all the things you have to live for. Man: I don't have anything to live for. Priest: Well, think of your Mother. Man: My Mother's dead. Priest: Well, think of your wife and kids. Man: I don't have a wife or kids. Priest: Well, think of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Man: The blessed what? Priest: Jump!, you Protestant bastard, jump! "You Might Be A Preacher If..." You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were You've ever wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you're preaching on Sunday A church picnic is no picnic You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny You wonder why the tax seminar leader didn't open with prayer Instead of getting "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit." You've ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion You'd rather talk to people with every head bowed and every eye closed You've ever wanted to "lay hands" on a deacon's neck A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated all our visibility." The passengers were numb with fear, except for one...a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray." Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray...except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked. "I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger. "Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister. The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering. The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in you might as well finish up." Two Irish men are working in a ditch across the street from a brothel. A Protestant minister comes walking along and quickly sneaks behind the door. The two men shake their heads and one says to the other, "What kind o' time do we live in when men of the cloth 'be visiting such places?" They muse over this for a while and are getting back to work when a rabbi makes a dash for the brothel. The two look at each other and the other says, "It's no wonder that the children of today are so confused, what with the example that the clergy are setting." They're mulling over this when a Catholic priest sneaks up to the house-of-ill-repute, glances to make sure that no one is looking, and ducks inside. The two men lean on their shovels, look at each other, and the one says, sympathetically, "Ah, what a shame...one of the poor lasses must be dying." An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper, but the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle I placed there by now." A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father." A young priest was just about to enter the church for mass when the old priest who usually conducted services came out, sweating and looking nervous. "What's wrong father?" the young priest asked. "I can't do it again. I just can't do it. You...you must conduct mass today young man." "But I've never done mass before. What's wrong, are you ill?" "No, no, it's not that. It's Sister Greene. She makes it impossible! I must go. Good luck young man." And with that the old priest rushed away. "Who is Sister Greene?" the young priest wondered. He entered the church and walked up to the pulpit and began to conduct mass to the best of his abilities, though he was clearly nervous. As he continued, he noticed one of the Sisters sitting in the front pew. She was smiling at him, coyly. He then noticed that she was slowly but surely pulling her habit up and up, revealing more and more skin. He started stammering and becoming forgetful. Finally, she pulled the garment all the way over her knees, and started slowly spreading her legs. Now the young priest was really having difficulties. Fortunately, there was a break in the service and while the congregation was in prayer, he leaned over to whisper to the alter boy standing next to him, "Excuse me, but is that Sister Greene?" The alter boy peered over at the Sister, who had not changed her provocative position and replied, "No, I think it's just the lighting in here, Father." This preacher was calling on people who hadn't been to church lately. Mrs. Jones came to the door and the preacher said, "I haven't seen you at church lately, so I thought I would stop and see if everything was alright." Mrs. Jones said, "Oh everything is just find Reverend. My husband says he likes for me to stay home on Sundays cause he works all week and it is the only time he can put his head here on my bosom and hear the angels sing." The preacher says, "Are you kidding me?" She says, "Why don't you try it and see." So the preacher puts his head on her bosom and says, "I don't hear the angels singing." Mrs. Jones says, "But reverend...you aren't plugged in yet." Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. *Ting-a-ling* "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves. The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* "Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness." The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits. "Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers." *Ting-a-ling* Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly pulled over by a Policeman who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?" The priests say "Don't worry my son. Jesus is with us" The Policeman says "In that case I have to book you. 3 people are not allowed to ride in a motorcycle" The local priest was strolling down the High Street late in the evening when suddenly a young lady of the night pops out of a shop doorway. "Hello Father", she says, "Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?". "My dear child", says the priest, "I've no idea what you mean. Please leave me alone." A little further on up the street and another woman appears out the darkness. "Hello Father", she says, "Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?". "My dear child", says the priest again, "I've no idea what you mean. Please leave me alone." He carries on up the street and is amazed when it happens again! "Hello Father. Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?" After this he decides that he will go and see the Mother Superior in the Convent and ask her if she can explain the women's strange request. "Mother Superior," he asks, "Tell me, what's a quicky?". "10 quid," she replies, "The same as in town!". December 15th..3 altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles....the have their penises in a snow bank. Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing...you're going to catch pneumonia...put your penises away!" The tallest alter boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing....Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work!" One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." |
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