Rich Jeni - On going to war over religion:
"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better
imaginary friend."
I'm on the lookout for an Agnostic church.
Unfortunately, nobody I ask is sure if one exists
Thank God for atheism.
Prayers are always answered.
Unfortunately, the answer is usually no.
When my brother said, "Amen" after grace one night, one of his
children asked what "amen" meant. Before he or his wife could
answer, their five-year-old responded, "It means "send."
My mom still has an old "Baptist Hymnal" used by many Southern Baptist
Churches. Hymn number 69 is "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing".
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me ONE with everything.
How do you make holy water?
Take regular old tap water and boil the Hell out of it.
How do you play religious roulette?
You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
struck by lightning first.
How is the Virgin Mary like a camel?
God gave them both a hump.
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?
Someone who come to *your* door and tells *you* to fuck off!
What do you call an atheist at his/her funeral?
All dressed up and no place to go.
How many born again Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Look, it's a matter of faith, either you see the light or you don't.
How many Fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs!
How many Greek gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the bulb, the other to rotate the planet.
The minister's new secretary, a former worker in the Pengagon,
was busily reorganizing her new boss's filing system. She
labeled one drawer "Sacred" and the other "Top Sacred."
I wanted to be an altar-boy when I was a kid but I'd be buggered
if I'd be one now.
What's the definition of "sin of omission"?
It's a sin that you forget to commit.
What is the worst thing about working for the Christian Science Church?
The health plan sucks.
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really only one.
Hear about the new deli for Christians?
"Goys 'R Us"
What is red and full of feathers?
A fallen angel.
What's the difference between 2 Jehovah's witnesses and a Yugo?
You can shut the door on 2 Jehovah's witnesses.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says,
"What is this, some kind of joke?"
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of
Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please
make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
Religion is for people who believe in Hell. Spirituality is for people
who have been there.
What is the best way to get to Paradise?
Turn right and go straight.
Always drive slower than your guardian angel can fly.
Buffalo wings: Standard issue for overweight angels.
Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. -- G. K. Chesterton
How can you tell if you're in a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions!
What is the worst thing about being an atheist?
You have no one to talk to when you smash your finger with a hammer...
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?
Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no particular reason.
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.
If you`re going fishing with a Mormon, why should you always make
sure there are 2 Mormons on the trip.
If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go
back on.
The town madam wanted to make a big contribution to the local
church. The debate as to whether or not to accept the money was
hot and furious.
Finally, one of the elders said, "Let's take the money.
It's ours anyway!"
A Sunday School teacher asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you believe
in the devil?"
"No," said the little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus. I think
it's my daddy."
A heavy snow storm closed the schools in one town. When the children
returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her
students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied.
"I prayed for more snow."
Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were a little boy?"
Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
Son: "Thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."
A priest and a rabbi are driving around. They pass a school yard with
a bunch of little kids out side playing.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Hey, lets go get one of them little
boys and fuck him"
The rabbi lookks at the priest and says "out of what"?
The virgin Mary was sleeping one night when she heard a lot of noise.
She turned to her husband Joseph and said, "What's that noise out there?"
Joseph looked out the window and said, "Hail, Mary."
Good morning Moses. This is a picture of the Israeli people who
are being held captive in the land of the Pharaohs.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to free the Israeli
people and bring them into the promised land.
This bush will self-destruct in 10 seconds.
"And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of
the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords"
Alan Wilson Watts
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
John Vance Cheney
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending,
and they should be as close together as possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.
A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac: one who lies awake at night
wondering if there really is a dog...
Photons have mass!!?? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless
by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
On an atheist's tombstone: Here lies an atheist; all dressed up and
no place to go.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of
things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young
father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you
prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers
and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and
cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you
prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a
case of whiskey."
The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop
in his hands.
"Where did you get it?" his mother asked.
"I bought it with the nickel you gave me."
"The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School."
"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at
the door and got me in free."
SPEED DEMON DEMOLITION DERBY
They went chasing after holy grace
in a deadly high-speed auto race
Indignant moralists and irate motorists
in a speed demon demolition derby
Revving up the Reverends
Racing the engines of the angels
into an irrational religious road rage
trapped in traffic, in the metal containers
like animals in their cages
The answers to the mysteries you see
are not to be found in theology
They are the puzzles of warped psychology
Acrid smoke of Akron
Smoke-and-mirror religion
Holy rollers in high gear
Inflated blimp of Goodyear
Fundies hot air holy books
Funds to steal for sneaky crooks
Tires from Firestone
Fire and brimstone
Things are not as they seem
just an overheated engine
billowing steam
Catholics in Cadillacs, driving like maniacs
Baptists in bumper cars
with witch doctor medicine jars
Holy ghosts profane
With gas high-octane
Driving you insane
Was it the sound of a squealing wheel?
Or the screech of a faulty brake?
Was it the splintering glass of an auto crash?
Or the scream of a klutz who tripped over a rake?
Was it the sound of a cackling hyena?
or some kind of hideous cry for help?
Was it a fingernail scraped on a blackboard?
Or just the hatred from Reverend Fred Phelps?
With the cosmic issues he grappled
But he should not have eaten
those forbidden, rotten road apples
Angry Gospel singers
were flipping each other the finger
The faithless they did scorn
So they just kept leaning on their horns
like the horns of a devil
of a dishonest auto dealer
with a soul to save
and a lemon to sell
Hot Bibles burning rubber
on the Highway to Hell
An elderly gentleman passed his granddaughter's room one night and
overheard her repeating the alphabet in an oddly reverent way.
"What on earth are you up to?" he asked.
"I'm saying my prayers," explained the little girl. "But I can't
think of exactly the right words tonight, so I'm just saying all the
letters. God will put them together for me, because He knows what
I'm thinking."
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection
plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with
curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week
in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and
what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week"
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra
for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "there are more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in
every shape, color and material imaginable. "Actually," she continued,
"even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of
bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic
type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. And the Baptist
type make mountains out of molehills."
Theology you can chew on
In the Beginning,
God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said,
"Let there be light"
And there was light.
And God said,
"Let the earth bring forth grass,
The herb yielding seed,
And the fruit tree yielding fruit,"
And God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said,
"There goes the neighborhood."
And God said,
"Let us make Man in our image,
After our likeness,
And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea,
And over the fowl of the air
And over the cattle,
And over all the Earth,
And over every creeping thing that crept upon the
Earth."
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said,
"I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth
With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth
The 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"
And Man said,
"Super size them."
And Man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt,
That woman might keep her figure
That man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said,
"I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil
To change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said,
"You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin
And sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink
Twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And God created the life giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man,
'Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said,
"Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
east of the marriage counselor.
And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth
And took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight-watchers.
It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments.
And man brought forth his Visa.
And the exercise machine went to dwell
In the closet of Nod east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time,
Woman received the exercise machine from Man
In the property settlement.
It didn't help her, either.
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH:
10. Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went
overtime 25 minutes.
8. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I
used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High
Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our
pastor so s/he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the
Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like our annual stewardship campaign!
Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled.
One day, Mike bursts in on the pastor in his rectory and says,
"Father, Father, ye wouldn't believe what just happened to
Paddy in the Church!"
"Well, then tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church?"
"Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches. He
reached into the holy water font, rubbed holy water all over his
right leg, and threw away his right crutch. And Paddy is a
cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks the priest.
"Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his
other crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know."
"Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell
me what happened next!"
"Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass! He's a cripple,
ye know."
A little girl was softly saying her night prayers kneeling down,
and her mother was beside her. "Say your prayers louder, darling,
I can't hear you," Said the mother.
"But I'm not talking to you" was the instant reply.
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine
old pipe organ from it to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate
task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded, "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
As the storm raged, the captain realised his ship was sinking fast.
He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on
our life jackets - we're one short."
Baseball as a Religion
Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Natives circle the bases.
Hindus go around the bases many, many times before reaching home.
Materialists think the diamond is forever.
Anglicans gave the Catholics a reign check.
Quakers won't swing.
Orthodox Christians always have a no-hitter: They turn the other cheek.
Unitarians can catch anything.
Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
Fundamentalists balk.
Mormon teams sign on all their relatives.
Baha'is think everyone should play.
Communists are out in left field.
Buddhists don't believe anyone is keeping score.
Taoists think the rules are restrictive.
When Catholics steal a base, they have to go to confession after the game.
The Lions couldn't touch Daniel leaving the Jews up one.
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
Sabeans are stuck on first base.
Baptists want to play hardball.
Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of
eternal darkness.
Catholics make a shortstop in purgatory before sliding into home.
The Pope claims never to have committed an error.
One player refused to shave (Sikh) and he was fined.
The Sufi base umpire was relieved because he was deep in thought and
missed a call.
Jews in general are waiting for wholesale tickets.
Law and Order crowd believes three strikes and you're in.
The Church of Apathy
Join our Church of Apathy when you get good and ready, or around to it.
This is the official church for those that don't wish to identify with a
specific religion. For those that feel that atheism and agnosticism are
just too much work. Others who believe that their religion solves all
their problems, need not apply.
We are a relatively New Religion with new attitudes. We are Apathists.
We seek no converts. We distribute no pamphlets. We ring no door bells.
The Church of Apathy was thought about by its Founders for several years,
before they decided to organize on December 26th, 1968. They decided not
to become tax exempt, nor claim any guidance from any divine source.
In 1979 they decided to look around for a suitable church site, but that
effort proved to be too much trouble, and besides they really didn't care
where they met anyway. The founders thought they should have a clergy
person, but so far all that applied were rejected. They asked stupid
questions about our not having a prayer book with writing in it. Some
complained that we didn't have a Symbol or a Logo identifying our
religion. Some wanted us to light candles, bless wine, chant, sway,
kneel, pray or in general "carry on " like mainstream religions. All of
these candidates for the clergy person were rejected.
We soon will be celebrating the 30th year of our founding. We Apathists
encourage those that share our deeply rooted apathy to think about
joining our church as nonactive members. We seek no donations nor
offerings; you keep your money and we'll keep ours. As we have no mother
church, postal address, telephone number, or website, we are sometimes
difficult to locate. However if you have faith and are not in any big
rush to join our Church of Apathy, you are the type of person that could
benefit by being an Apathist.
We are happy to say that in almost 30 years, not one of our members has
been called "a dirty Apathist" to their face, they have demanded and
received "apple fritters" as their religious rights, in prisons and
university cafeterias and our Religion is not part of any college course
on "Comparative Religions". As far as we know, none of our faithful have
been healed, saved, or converted. Some have rented from Avis but we
consider that as free will. Someday we would like to sponsor our own TV
ministry, but we haven't figured out as yet what to preach about. We
strongly believe that one should not take YES for an answer, but if they
do, they do.
We do have a motto: Don't Bother Us...and We Won't Bother You.
Church Awards
As part of our church's confirmation program, I assign mock
elections to each student. For example, "The St. Luke Award",
given to the student most likely to be a doctor. Here are some
awards that never quite made it into the church service.
"The Virgin Mary Award"- To the student most likely to get
pregnant, and have no idea how it happened.
"The Joseph Award"- To the student most likely to have his first
child born in a barn.
"The Stephen Award"- To the student most likely to end up lying
around in the streets -- stoned.
"The Noah Award"- To the student most likely to float around, with
absolutely no idea where in the world he was going to end up.
"The Balaam Award"- To the student most likely to let his ass do
the talking.
"The Moses Award"- To the student most likely to shatter the
Ten Commandments.
"The John the Baptist Award"- To the student most likely to be
homeless and eating bugs.
"The Adam Award"- to the student most likely to get caught naked
in public.
"The Eve Award"- to the student most likely to marry the world's
biggest moron.
"The Adam and Eve Award"- to the students most likely to raise a
little Cain, if they're Abel.
Why We Oppose Men's Ordination
1. Because man's place is in the army.
2. Because no really manly man wants to settle disputes otherwise
than by fighting about it.
3. Women would not respect men dressed in skirts.
4. Because men are too emotional to be priests. Their conduct at
football matches, in the army, at political conventions shows
this, while their innate tendency to appeal to force and violence
renders them unfit to represent Jesus.
5. Because some men are so handsome they will distract women worshipers.
6. If the Church is the Bride of Christ, and bishops are as husbands
to the Church, all priests should be female.
Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church.
When I married my wife, I converted to her church, which at that time
was called the Lutheran Church in America. In order to do so, I had
to attend classes.
At one of the first sessions, the minister conducting the class
said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?"
I replied, perhaps too quickly..."Sin?"
There was this businessman who was afraid of flying. He would drive
his car, take a train, a bus or anything to avoid flying. This worked
just fine until there came a big transaction where he stood to make a
quick fortune but it would require that he fly in order to be there
in time to close the deal.
So he buys a ticket and gets on the plane. The plane takes off and
flys through the sky smooth as a dream. The businessman finally takes
his hands down from his eyes to see that there was no danger. He
thought to himself, "This isn't too bad". He looks out the window on
his right just in time to see the engine explode into a mass of flames
and starts spittering and sputtering. He looks out the left of the
plane and sees the left engine explode and fire is all over the wing.
Our businessman resorts to the only deity at hand and says, "Lord,
if you will only get me out of this I will give half of everything I
own to the church".
About that moment the plane levels out, slows down and lands straight
ahead. The businessman gets off the plane, gets down on his knees and
kisses the ground. As he is doing that he feels a tap on his shoulder
and he turns around. It's a Southern Baptist Preacher and he says,
"Young man, I heard what you said back there on the plane, You said
that if the Lord would get you down safe you would give half of
everything you own to the church and I know you're going to start
right now".
(Holds out hands...)
The businessman says, "Naw Man, I made a better deal".
The Peachier says, "A better deal? What do you mean a Better Deal?".
He says, "Yeah, if I ever get back on another of the damn things,
he can have it all".
It seems that the Church was dissatisfied with their collections in
the twelfth century so they did a bit of primitive sampling. Some of
the target audience heard priests banging on a raucous drum, shouting
about sin and threatening pits of eternal flames. Some heard balladeers
singing sweet hymns of praise of the Absolute. Some heard both the
drums and the balladeers. But the testing was inconclusive.
The only thing everyone agreed on was that the pre-minstral sin drum
was the absolute pits.
On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van
past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children
that it was St. Francis' Church.
"It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got
one of those in our town too."
Bouncing out of her first day in nursery school at Mount Moriah
Presbyterian Church in Port Henry, New York, a three-year-old girl
gleefully informed her mother: "We had juice and Billy Graham crackers!"
Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church,
Washington, Pennsylvania, spent a week at the Synod school with his
two children. The school's theme focused on Moses and the Exodus. When
they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her
mother: "Guess what, Mommy. We made unleaded bread!"
A reporter at the Pope's Mass for Youth at the Sea of Galilee likened
the kids who camped out the night before to a 'spiritual Woodstock'.
Of course, that brought to mind a voice saying, "Attention: avoid the
purple sacramental wafers...."
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being
considered for a pastorate.
Adam:
Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how
his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah:
Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to
unrealistic building projects.
Abraham:
Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show
he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own
wife with another man.
Joseph:
A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting,
and has a prison record.
Moses:
A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at
times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left
an earlier church over a murder charge.
David:
The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair
he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon:
Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah:
Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha:
Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea:
A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his
wife's occupation.
Deborah:
Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah:
Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things,
reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank
of a foreign river.
Isaiah:
On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble
with his language.
Jonah:
Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by
getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos:
Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might
have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in
better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek:
Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy
come from? No information on his resume about former work records.
Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a
birth date. (This aside from Les: Ancient Jewish tradition has it
that Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the life span
of Shem in the Bible, it seems to be true!)
John:
Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has
slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes
denominational leaders.
Peter:
Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse.
Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose
cannon.
Paul:
Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short
on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known
to preach all night.
James & John:
Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found
out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and
seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also
known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy:
Too young!
Methuselah:
Too old...WAY too old!
Jesus:
Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed
to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve
people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's
single.
Judas:
His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to
preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their
Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who
had the most important role.
Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister,
"Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be
a virgin than it is to be an angel!"
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent
you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me
there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder
everyone is so grouchy!"
There was a guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for
about two weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary.
Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the
doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the
nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees a horse. He goes
back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your
horse and have it brought back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about
this horse. You have to say, 'Thank God' to make it go and,
'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, OK." So he gets
on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking.
Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank
God, thank God, thank God," and the horse just takes off.
Pretty soon he sees a cliff coming up and in his panic, he's doing
everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!" The horse stops four inches from the
cliff.
The man leans back in the saddle, wipes his brow, and says,
"Thank God."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At
bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers
when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs,
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR
A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
The Rev. Dr. Jordan was anxious about his son's college examination
and requested him to telegraph the results. The boy sent the following
telegram, "Hymn 342, fifth verse, last two lines."
Looking it up, the father found the words, "Sorrow vanquished,
labour ended, Jordan passed."
Young Spinster's Prayer:
Oh Lord, I ask nothing for myself,
but would you please send my dear
mother a son-in-law?
Spinster's Advice:
Dear girls. Be wary of Cupid
And hark to the lines of this verse
To let a fool kiss you is stupid
To let a kiss fool you is worse.
Old Spinster's Prayer:
And now I lay me down to sleep
I wish I had a man to keep
If there's a man beneath the bed
I hope he heard each word I said.
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday School.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told how God sent Moses behind enemy lines
on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got
the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all
the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio
headquarters to call in an airstrike. They sent in bombers to blow
up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother
asked.
"Well no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it."
A child came back from Sunday School, and told his mother that
he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.
It took his mother awhile before she realized that the hymn was
really, "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."
When my daughter Kelli was 3, she and my son Cody would say their
nightly prayers together. As most children do we have to bless every
family member, every friend, and every animal current and past. For
several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
say, "And all girls".
As this soon became part of her nightly routine to include this at
the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli,
why do you always add the part about all girls?".
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying All
Men!"
How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?
Whaddaya mean CHANGE??? That light bulb was given in memory of my
Grandmother! My father installed it with his bare hands! He donated
his time AND the use of his ladder to do it, too! My family's been
members of this church for four generations! And if you think you're
gonna come in here and make a bunch of changes all of a sudden,
Pastor, you've got another think coming!
Joyful, joyful we ignore Thee, God we're busy, God we're tired.
We have fishing, we have bowling, visit friends, in hobbies mired.
TV football, earn a living, raise the kids and mow the lawn.
When it comes to Sunday morning, all our energy is gone.
We speak at the local school board, when our taxes are misused.
At the Lions' lunch we read minutes, when the clerk has been excused.
At the game we hand out programs, in the shower we love to sing.
When it comes to Sunday morning, we can't seem to do a thing.
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.
He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time
like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and
harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't
you know there is no God?"
But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries.
As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation
and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. AS USUAL, the atheist
heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph...I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries,
took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang
the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to
praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin'
everywhere!
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You
ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those
groceries!"
Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting
and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what
her problem was...She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with
some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay
for them!"
There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South.
One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping
cart with items. This man was so distinctive in that he could have
been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in
black, very tall, and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy
wears.
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked
to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections, the
clerk could hardly contain himself.
"Are you a Quaker?" he asked as he was trying to ring up the
merchandise.
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
"No joke?" asked the clerk. "You're really a real Quaker?"
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real
Quaker."
"Wow!" the young clerk said. "I never seen a real Quaker before.
"Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?"
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise
to be tallied up. As the clerk finished ringing up the sale, he
said, "Please, mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy.
The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.
The man said, "Screw Thee, Asshole."
The believer, an atheist, was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. What
majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
he said to himself.
As he walked along side the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. When he turned to look, he saw a 7 foot
grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the
path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear closing in
on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were
coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the
bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he
tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top
of him, raising his paw to kill him.
At that instant he cried out, "Oh my God!"
Just then, time stopped...the bear froze; the forest was silent;
the river even stopped flowing. A bright light shone upon the man,
and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You denied my existence
all of these years; taught others I don't exist; even credited
my creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It
would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all
these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. As the light went out, the river
ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear put his paw
down. The bear then brought both paws together...bowed his head
and said, "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to
receive."
How different religions view the
"HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS"
philosophy of life:
7th Day Adventist
- He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Agnosticism
- It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
difference.
Amish
- Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Anglican
- They were our toys first.
Apathy
- Toys? What do I need toys for?
Atheism
- There is no toy maker.
B'Hai
- All toys are just fine with us.
Baptist
- Once played, always played.
Branch Davidians
- He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Capitalism
- He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism
- He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Church of Christ
- He whose toys make music, loses.
Church of Christ, Scientist
- We are the toys.
Communism
- Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight
to hell if we catch you selling yours.
Confucianism
- Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Evolutionism
- The toys made themselves.
Existentialism
- Toys are a figment of your imagination.
First American Church
- We play Only with cowboy toys.
First Kinky Church
- You bet your ass we got Toys.
Greek Orthodox
- No, they were OURS first.
Hari Krishna
- He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Hedonism
- To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Hinduism
- He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
Humanism
- Let's discuss the toy problem.
Jehovah's Witnesses
- He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Judaism
- He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Methodists
- Toys-R-Us
Mormonism
- Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Muslim
- He who plays only with soldier toys, wins.
Non-denomination
- just play with them.
Pentecostalism
- He whose toys can talk, wins.
Polytheism
- There are many toy makers.
Satanism
- He who plays with fire, wins.
Scientist
- We are the toys.
Taoism
- The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Voodoo
- Let me borrow that doll for a second.
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.
But did you know that:
660 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
6, uh...what was that number again?
- Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
In my Intro to Psych course, the instructor was attempting to
illustrate the weakness of surveys as devices for gathering
information for correlational purposes.
"Let's say you take a survey of prostitutes in a small city,"
says she. "Of those prostitutes, a remarkable 48% of those listing
religions have listed 'Episcopalian.' Can you then justifiably make
any kind of correlation such as, 'Episcopalians are more likely to
become prostitutes'?"
There was a class-wide murmur of, "No."
My instructor nodded. "Right. Why not? What are the problems with
that statement?"
A few hands crept tentatively upward, but before my instructor could
select one of the volunteers, a woman behind me audibly muttered,
"They're confusing Episcopalians and Baptists."
The church congregation decided to build a new church. They asked
the deacons to look into the cost of materials and land. After the
deacons got price quotes, they realized they wouldn't have enough
funds to cover all the expenses without getting a loan. The interest
rate was very high, so that was out of the question. After some
deliberations they presented their findings to the congregation.
1. Because the cost of land was the highest, they decided to use
the land the church was already on.
2. Because materials would have to be ordered special, they would
use the materials from the existing building.
3. Until the new building was finished, in order to have services
during the construction of it, they would use the old building.
Now THAT is a committee at work!!!
DURING A RECENT ECUMENICAL GATHERING, A SECRETARY RUSHED
IN SHOUTING, "THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE!"
The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed.
The BAPTISTS cried, "where is the water?"
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The CATHOLICS passed the plate to cover the damage.
The JEWS posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The FUNDAMENTALISTS proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out.
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS concluded that there was no fire.
The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a
committee to look into the matter and submit a written report as to
whether the fire was predestined to ignite.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while
he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and
then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not
misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny.
"I asked Him to help you put up with me."
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear
when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are
flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our
visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired
minister..."Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said. "Let's all bow our
heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except one
fellow near the back. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?"
the minister asked.
"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning
passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...
Hoping to develop his son's character, a father once gave his son
a dime and a half-dollar coin as he was leaving for Sunday school.
"Now Bob, you put whichever one you want in the offering plate,"
he said.
When the boy returned, his father asked which coin he had given.
Bob answered, "Well, just before they sent around the plate the
preacher said, `The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,' and I knew I could
give the dime a lot more cheerfully than I could give the half-dollar,
so I gave the dime."
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch
the drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside
all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd
throw up."
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference
between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I
were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his
money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts
out, "You'd be his wife!"
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine
old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary.
It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded, "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began
to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother
asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have
bowls of it."
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm
Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you
Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mom says I'm not."
SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE IN A TEXAS CHURCH:
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The call to worship is "Ya'll come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering" and five guys stand up.
5. The restrooms are outside and out back.
6. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck becuase,
"I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of
"two calves".
9. Never in its 100-year history has any of its preachers had to buy
any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody is smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship
service.
12. A singing group is known as the "OK Chorale".
13. The church directory doesn't have last names.
14. The preacher wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family sit together every Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is in the
summer, and that's only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag
of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
19. There is a special fund-raiser for the new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship service one Sunday morning, and by 2 pm that same
day you have received a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.
22. High notes on the organ set the dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the fish were bass
or catfish?
24. People think "RAPTURE" is what happens when you lift something that
was too heavy.
25. The cemetery is in such barren land that people are buried with a
sack of fertilizer to help them rise on Judgement Day.
26. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
27. The final words of the benediction are "Ya'll come on back now,
ya hear!"
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was
usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him
that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had
explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to
go fishing,
To which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough
bait for both of us.
On his way out of church, Hilliard stopped at the door to speak to
the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit
from the mistakes of another?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.
"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider
returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me
last July."
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents
knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were
probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful
in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the
mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy
set to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the
question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made
no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and
shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it".
A missionary, who had spent several years showing a tribe of natives
how to farm and build, and become self- sufficient, gets word that he
is to return home.
The missionary realises that the one thing he never taught the natives
was how to speak the English language. And so, he takes the chief for a
walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is
a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Missionary is
pleased with his response.
A little further down the trail, the missionary points to a rock and
says, "This is a rock."
The chief is a quick learner. He looks and grunts, "Rock."
Suddenly, they hear rustling in the bushes. As the missionary peeks
between the foliage, he sees a couple engaged in heavy, romantic activity.
Flustered, the missionary explains to the chief, "Riding a bike."
The chief peeks at the couple and goes into a rage. He fires his blow
gun and kills the couple in cold blood.
The missionary exclaims, "I've just spent several years teaching your
tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other! How could you do such
a thing!"
The chief explained, "My bike."
A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
"Yes, it is still one of our beliefs" replied the Rabbi.
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
The Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to the
temptation and tasted pork."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father,
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot
better than pork, isn't it?"
Father Murphy asked an artist to touch up a large mural in the church.
The church committee refused to pay the bill unless the artist specified
the details of the work he had done, which he did like this:
I corrected the ten commandments and embellished Pontius Pilate.
I put new ribbons on his bonnet and straightened his nose. Then I
resprayed and guilded the left wing of the Guardian Angel. I renewed
Heaven, adjusted the stars and cleaned up the moon. Then I touched
up Purgatory and restored the lost souls. I brightened up the flames
of Hell, put a new tail on the devil and did several odd jobs for the
damned.
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following
an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more
and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's
nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have
17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
I remember some years ago, the Lutheran Church reworded the
Marriage Ceremony & among other things, removed the word "obey"
from the Bride's vows. Mrs Jim Jr, like a lot of women, was
happy to see that promise deleted.
Well...I was OK with it, but only after I'd found out for
sure that they weren't gonna make it retroactive.
A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the
phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her son had some down with
a high fever and would she come and take him home?
The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school
and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there
was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school.
When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged
her to take him to the doctor. Seeing her son like that - his face
flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration - frayed
her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was
frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the
examining room, which he was doing now, walking toward her with
a slip of paper in his hand.
"Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription,
"and start him on this right away."
By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again
for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and
frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.
At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and
rushed back to the car...which was locked.
Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked
inside the car. She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called
home.
When her son finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the
keys inside the car!"
The boy was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered,
"Get a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in with that."
The phone went dead.
She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger - which turned
out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there
in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing
through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just
enough to use wire hangers. Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed
herself a smile of relief. As she was about to step off the curb,
she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger.
"I don't know what to do with this!"
Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of
the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed,
"Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is
in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't
know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who
does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord.
Amen."
She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the
curb and stopped in front of her. A young man, twentyish-looking,
in a t-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed
about him was the long, stringy hair, and then the beard that hid
everything south of his nose. He was coming her way. When he drew
near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger.
"Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car
with one of these?"
He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her
hand. "Where's the car."
Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it
- it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick
look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger
and bam! Just like that, the door was open.
When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him.
"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You
must be a Christian."
He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and
I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."
She jumped at him and she hugged him again - fiercely.
"Bless God!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"
Several years ago there was an Anglican minister from Korea named
Kim Rhee. He had a wonderful singing voice. His strong point was
that he could trill. His superiors decided to send him to Africa
to convert the heathen.
After his arrival, Rhee asked the townspeople why they didn't
attend church. They said the local shaman told them not to go or
they would suffer in ways unknown to so-called civilized people.
The minister laughed and told them to come to church on Sunday
and he would sing for them.
That Sunday, while Rhee held the audience spellbound with his
famous trill, the shaman entered the church. Rhee told the people
to ignore the old man. The shaman produced a small doll, very
much in appearance like the minister, and placed it feet-first
in a pot of evil-looking, foul-smelling, boiling liquid.
Immediately, the minister fell to the ground and commenced to
howl. He tore off his shoes and those in attendance witnessed
eruptions of small pustules and blemishes on the soles on the
poor man's lower extremities.
The townspeople knew that the shaman's power had won out.
And, from that day forward, they committed to village lore
"The trill of Vicar Rhee and the acne of the feet."
I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well
and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising
campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother
sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him
a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say
my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the
check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was
an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this vein for a time, he concluded with, "But,
compared to his brother, he was a saint."
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a
moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a
real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him
a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Funny how a $10 bill looks so big when you take it to church, but
so small when you take it to the market.
Funny how long it takes to serve God for an hour, but how quickly
a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
Funny how long are a couple of hours spent at church, but how short
they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't
have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we get thrilled when a baseball game goes into extra innings,
but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it
is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how people want to get a front seat at any game or concert,
but scramble to get a back seat at church services.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a church event
into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule for other events at
the last minute.
Funny how much difficulty some people have learning a simple gospel
well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people
to understand and repeat gossip about someone.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the
Bible says.
Funny, how everyone wants to go to heaven, provided they don't have
to believe, or to think, or to say, or to do anything.
Funny, isn't it? It's all in how you look at it.
AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher
than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly,
since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!
JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges
with good basketball teams.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
Edna Seamon's husband had passed on. She was so distraught she
sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was fine
and he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.
"Is there anything he needs?" Edna asked.
The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,
"He says, `I'd love a package of cigarettes'."
"I'll send them immediately," Edna said joyfully. "But did he
give an address?"
"No. But he didn't ask for matches."
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her
mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't
even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us,
we'll show him how wrong he is."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was
very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a
small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their
clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided
to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were
crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies
from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest
covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they all
ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on,
the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face
rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation,
it's my face they would recognize."
One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I
speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said,
"I'm sorry, who?"
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the
trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may
refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that
you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving
$100,000 to the building fund..."
To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think
the big fat pig just walked in!"
The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone
which formed the step up to the front door had become two worn by
its years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately,
there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then
someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be
postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over.
They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the
door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in
no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message
and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,
bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it,
and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced
back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their
foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would
teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you
do that again you need to move your cat."
McDONALDS PRAYER
Our Ronald, who art on television,
Hallowed be your name.
Your Big Mac come,
Your Fries be done,
On earth, as it is in McHappyland.
Give us today our daily cheeseburger,
And give us our Thickshakes,
As we give you those who are against you.
For thine be McHappyland's McFeasts and glory
Forever and ever
Amen.
The Y2K Quote of the Day award goes to Rev. Peter Draper of Blackpool,
England, for his millennium plans for a 24-foot-high electronic flashing
Jesus, his arms outstretched over a flashing globe, with a star falling
toward the globe and making the globe glow as the flashing Jesus rises
up and the year "2000" flashes.
"It will not be something tacky."
Good. Had me worried for a minute there.
The custodian of a church quit and the pastor of the church asked
the young church organist if she would be able to also do the job of
cleaning the church sanctuary.
The organist thought for awhile before she answered, "Do you mean
that I now have to mind my keys and pews?"
Favorite Hymns ...
The dentist's hymn:... "Crown Him with Many Crowns."
The weatherman's hymn:... "There Shall Be Showers of Blessings."
The contractor's hymn:... "The Church's One Foundation."
The taylor's hymn:... "Holy, Holy, Holy."
The golfer's hymn:... "There Is a Green Hill Far Away."
The politician's hymn:... "Standing on the Promises."
The optometrist's hymn:... "Open My Eyes That I May See."
The IRS agent's hymn:... "I Surrender All."
The gossip's hymn:... "Pass It On."
The electrician's hymn:... "Send Out Thy Light."
The shopper's hymn:... "Sweet By and By."
For those of you who drive, if you must speed on the highway, please
sing these:
45MPH.........."God Will Take Care of You."
55MPH.........."Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah."
65MPH.........."Nearer My God to Thee."
75MPH.........."Nearer Still Nearer."
85MPH.........."This World Is Not My Home."
95MPH.........."Lord, I'm Coming Home."
Over 100MPH...."Precious Memories."
Here are the Hymns for those in their golden years:
"It is well with my Soul (but my back aches a lot)"
"Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing"
"Amazing Grace (considering my age)"
"Just A Slower Walk with Thee"
"Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One"
"Go Tell It on the Mountain--and speak up!"
"Give Me That Old Time Religion"
"Blessed Insurance"
"Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah (I've forgotten where I parked)"
"Nearer My God to Thee"
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up.
He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's
wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you
drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong
principles against it."
"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every
night...always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do
you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on
too tight."
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for
that. In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed.
From then on I'm probably going to need a LOT of help.
Amen.
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able
to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No
problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were
you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied,
"The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on
the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were
you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not
able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and
dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took
advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in
our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore
either."
Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills, picking hickory
nuts along the way. They soon filled their small pails, and started
to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts,
they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery.
One of the boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest,
and divide out the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak
tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets, dumping all of the nuts
in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested
near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
As they were doing this, a passer-by happened to hear them. He looked
into the cemetery but could not see the boys, as they were obscured by
the tree. He hesitated a moment, and then ran back to town.
"Father, father," he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery!
Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road, and stopped when they
reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road, and all
fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was
wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered.
Both people listened intently, and heard the Scouts, "One for me,
one for you, one for me, one for you."
The boy then blurted out, "The Devil and the Lord are dividing
up the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments later,
as the Scouts completed dividing up the nuts, and one Scout said to
the other, "Now as soon as we get those two nuts by the road, we'll
have them all."
I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom
used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but
our clergyman offered to give it a try.
Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes
heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened
the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith,
he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."
When my friend Phil, a clergyman, visited Disney World, he rented
a wheelchair for his aunt, who has difficulty walking. One unforeseen
benefit was that Phil's whole family was ushered to the front of the
lines.
At the end of the day, Phil wheeled his aunt back toward the parking
lot. Unable to find a ramp down from the sidewalk, he stopped to
consider an alternative. At that point, his impatient aunt stood up,
stepped off the curb and began to walk.
Embarrassed by the looks from departing park visitors, many of whom
had watched his family bypass the long lines, "Phil stepped back from
the wheel-chair, raised his hands and said, "It's a miracle!"
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like
to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on
earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
You Might Not Be A PC Christian If...
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if
people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or
ethnic minority here) friend"
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb
the sons of bitches."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you
watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you
accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You use any of these terms to describe your wife:
Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in
Western values."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever
attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end
of racism in America.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while
attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductible.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the "liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates..."
You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of
pornographers.
You think all artists are gay.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash
can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
There's a fellow who lives in a small neighbor and doesn't trust
anyone. He's so suspicious he made them have a lifeguard on duty
when he was baptized.
What does Oral Roberts say when he walks his dog? -"Heal! Heal!"
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.
The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies
was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was
unable to attend. He asked the main speaker if he would oblige,
and the man agreed.
He began, "There being no clergyman present, let us thank God."
A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
I've always wondered why Presbyterians do not say "Forgive us
our trespasses." Can you imagine how difficult it must be for
all our bankers to say "Forgive us our DEBTS..."
"Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the
church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages."
How did Moses part the Red Sea?
With a sea saw.
What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a
Jehovah's Witness?
Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and
tells YOU to fuck off!
THE TALIBAN CAN
Who can take the Koran?
chorus: Who can take the Koran?
Ignore Mohammed's truth?
chorus: Ignore Mohammed's truth?
Justify with violence "A tooth for a tooth!"
The Taliban can.
chorus: The Taliban can.
The Taliban can 'cause they mix up all the truth
And let the hate shine through.
chorus: The hate shine through.
The Taliban make,
Everyone they take,
Paranoid and suspicious.
The imam is not but vicious,
You can't even trust in riches.
Who can fight the Russians?
chorus: Who can fight the Russians?
Blow them up for fun?
chorus: Blow them up for fun?
Make a new republic that's totalitarian.
The Taliban can.
chorus: The Taliban can.
The Taliban can 'cause they mix up all the truth
And let the hate shine through.
chorus: The hate shine through.
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