Jesus Jokes

Jesus Jokes



  Jesus was at a disco and having trouble dancing, so he says,
"Help! I've risen and I can't get down!"



  Jesus Christ walks into an inn.  He hands the innkeeper 3 nails and 
asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"



If Jesus got killed with an axe, would the christians run around 
with axes around their neck?



What did God say to Jesus?
"I don't care if you are my son, drop that cross one more time, 
and you're out of the parade." 



No one knows what the "H" in "JESUS H. Christ" stood for.
Haploid.


Jesus Saves!... But Gretzky gets the rebound. He Shoots. He SCOOORES!!!



Why didn't Jesus get into college?
He got hung up on his boards.



Let Jesus be your anchor!  So when Satan rocks your boat, 
throw Jesus overboard!



What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.



Why was Jesus born in a stable?
Because Joseph belonged to an HMO.



What did Jesus say before he fell on his face?
Get away from here you damn beavers!



What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
You only need one nail to hold up a painting.



  Jesus Christ scurried into the carpenters shop and asked, 
"Father, did you call me?"
  Joseph replied, "No. I just hit my thumb with a hammer."



  The three wise men approached the manger where the newborn messiah 
rested. One of them tripped as he neared the infant, and in great pain 
yelled, "Jesus Christ!"
  Mary responded, "That'll be a great name for the baby."



"Jesus is coming -- grab a towel."

"Jesus is coming.  Quick, look busy!"

"Jesus is coming--and boy, is he pissed!"

"Jesus is coming...but I'm not swallowing"



"Jesus loves you, but personally I think you are an asshole."



Jesus, save me from your followers



Jesus saves...and redeems your souls for valuable cash prizes!



If Jesus really was a Jew, what's up with the Latino name?



Jesus was supposed to be a carpenter and a miracle-worker...
why couldn't he do anything with those last three nails?



What did Jesus do between teaching at the temple at age 13 and getting
crucified at age 33? (Hmm... anyone hear "sealed juvie record?")



 How many times did young Jesus scream at Joseph, "Yeah, well, you're 
not my real dad!" ?



Do you know why God created the world with his left hand?
Jesus was sitting on his right hand.



  The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the
manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped 
his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
  "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
  Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"



  A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar.
A stranger comes by and asks if he's O.K.
  The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?"
  The stranger says "No. Who are you?"
  The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ...and I can 
prove it! Come with me!"
  They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells
"Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"



  Jesus saw a crowd chasing a woman to stone her and approached 
them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
  "This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we
should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
  "Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first 
stone."
  Suddenly, a stone came from out of the sky, and knocked the 
woman out cold.
  "Aw, c'mon, Dad," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"



  One day, Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem and decided he really 
needed a new robe. After looking around, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein,
the Tailor."  He went in and Finkelstein prepared a new robe for him 
which was a perfect fit.
  When Jesus asked how much he owed, Finkelstein brushed him off.
  "No, no, there's no charge. But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe 
whenever you give a sermon you could mention a little something about 
how your nice robe was prepared by Finkelstein the Tailor.
  Jesus readily agreed and, as promised, plugged Finkelstein's robes 
every time he preached.
  Some months later, Jesus was wandering through Jerusalem and happened
by Finkelstein's shop.  He was amazed to see a huge line of people 
waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd 
to speak to Finkelstein himself.
  "Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushed 
Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"
  "Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
  "Uh, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus"
  The two of them argued for some time about the name. Finally, they 
came to a compromise decision. "Lord & Taylor"


 
  A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took 
Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
  A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
 
 

  A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in 
a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking 
back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.
  Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and 
began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.
  "Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother.
  "Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water 
won't work," he replied.



  A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and 
Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first 
pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 
  "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother 
have the first cake. I can wait."
  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be 
Jesus!"


 
  A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in 
a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking 
back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.
  Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and 
began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.
  "Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother.
  "Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water 
won't work," he replied.



  The DJs (on radio station broadcast, late 1997) were talking
about how the vatican had its own website and what it would offer.
The conversation proceeded roughly as follows...
  Net News:  The vatican has now gone on line with its own 
interactive website.  The site is said to offer many great 
new features, including a downloadable picture of Jesus Christ
which will bounce around your screen after a preset length of
time.  It has been christened the 'screen saviour'.



  It was "sharing time" in a kindergarten full of bright children. 
The teacher was presiding over a discussion about the children's 
fathers and mothers.
  One child said, "Well, my mother's a Catholic and my father's
a Jew."
  "Oh, wow!" said another. "So what do you believe?"
  "I believe in EVERYTHING!" said the first child.
  "What do you mean, everything?" asked another child.
  "Well, you know," said the first child, "Jesus Christ, Moses,
Snow White...everything."



  A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon 
down by the river. 
  He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the 
Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, 
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
  The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
  The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls 
him right back up.  "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
  "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
  The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, 
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
  "Noooo, I did not Reverend."
  The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 
30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in 
a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
  The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... 
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"



  A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the 
cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of
them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't 
figure it out, so he asked the clerk.
  The clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, 
and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but 
rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
  The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn sure 
Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps." 



  Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles 
and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug 
consumption problem all over the earth.
  After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that 
in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try 
the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to 
proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of 
some of the members return to earth to get the different types 
of drugs.
  The secret operation is effected and two days later the
commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.  Jesus, 
waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
  "Who is it?"
  "It's Paul"
  Jesus opens the door.
  "What did you bring Paul?"
  "Hashish from Morocco"
  "Very well son, come in."
  "Who is it?"
  "It's Mark"
  Jesus opens the door.
  "What did you bring Mark?"
  "Marijuana from Colombia"
  "Very well son, come in."
  "Who is it?"
  "It's Matthew"
  Jesus opens the door.
  "What did you bring Matthew ?"
  "Cocaine from Bolivia"
  "Very well son, come in."
  "Who is it?"
  "It's John"
  Jesus opens the door.
  "What did you bring John ?"
  "Crack from New York"
  "Very well son, come in."
  "Who is it?"
  It's Luke"
  Jesus opens the door.
  "What did you bring Luke ?"
  "Speed from Amsterdam"
  "Very well son, come in."
  "Who is it?"
  "It's Judas"
  Jesus opens the door.
  "What did you bring Judas ?"
  "The FBI, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!  EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"



  Four-year-old Tucker Jones attended the vacation Bible school 
at our church. The theme was "Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth."
  His mother, Trish Jones, asked Tucker what he had learned. 
He immediately told her all bout "Jesus and the 12 recycles."



  The other day I went into the local religious book store, where 
I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and
put it on the back bumper of my car - and I'm really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed!!
  I was stopped at a light in a busy intersection, just lost in
thoughts of the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. That bumper sticker really worked!! I found lots of
people who love Jesus.
  The guy behind be started to honk like crazy. He must really love
the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled
"Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game
with him shouting - "Go Jesus Christ !!! GO!"
  Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out of my window
and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have
been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a "sunny beach", and I saw him waving in
a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked 
my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, 
giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sight 
- so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
  Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his 
car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it
sounded like "Mother Trucker", or mothers from there. Maybe he
was from Florida too - He must really love the Lord.
  A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet
they wanted to pray - but just then I noticed the light had
changed to yellow and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I
did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. 
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, 
gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as 
I drove away.
  Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!



  A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are discussing how each celebrates
Christmas.
  The priest says, "We have a 12 o'clock high mass, then we go home 
and gather around the Christmas tree and sing 'Ave Maria' ".
  The Minister says, "Our traditions are very similar. We have an 
11 o'clock candlelight service, then gather around the Christmas 
Tree and sing 'O Come all Ye Faithful'".
  The rabbi says, "Well, we close the stores early, gather around 
cash register, and sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus.



Consultants
                                           Jerusalem, 26544
Jesus, Son of Joseph
Woodcrafters Carpenter Shop
Nazareth 25922

Dear Sir:

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked
for management positions in your new organization.  All of them have 
now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results 
through our computer, but have also arranged personal interviews for 
each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

The profiles of all the tests are included, and you will want to study
each of them carefully.

As part of our service and for your guidance, we make some general
comments much as an auditor will include some general statements.  
This is given as a result of staff consultation and comes without 
any additional fee.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in
background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of 
enterprise you are undertaking.  They do not have the team concept.  
We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of 
experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper.  
Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.  The two brothers, 
James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above 
company loyalty.  Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that 
would tend to undermine morale.  We feel that it is our duty to tell 
you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better 
Business Bureau. James, son of Alpheus, and Thaddaeus definitely have 
radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic-
depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential.  He is a man 
of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business 
mind and has contacts in high places.  He is highly motivated, 
ambitious, and responsible.  We recommend Judas Iscariot as your 
controller and right-hand man.  All of the other profiles are self- 
explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

  Sincerely yours,

  Jordan Management Consultants
  Jordan Management 




  A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately 
swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and 
says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. 
Welcome to Heaven!"
  "You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you 
are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything 
you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"
  "Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the 
Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."
  St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should 
approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!
  The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I 
have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything 
I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have 
studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed 
that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I 
have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you 
please tell me?"
  "Honestly?" with a little pained grimace on her face. "Well, I was 
really hoping for a girl."

 

  A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him 
to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
  The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to 
go out there. It's dark."
  The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be 
afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look 
after you and protect you."
  The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure 
he's out there?"
  "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you 
when you need him," she said.
  The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the 
back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he 
called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"



  After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, 
the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live. He immediately
called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to
stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.
  After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me
to do?"
  "Nothing. Just stand there."
  A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?"
  "Nothing. Just stand there."
  As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man 
weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer
again asked, "Why are we standing here?"
  "Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I 
thought I'd do the same!



  A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of
the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
  He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus 
occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his 
class, "Where is Jesus today?"
  Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
  Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
  Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know!  
I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
  The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and 
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for 
a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked 
Little Johnny how he knew this.
  Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, 
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you 
still in there?'!"
 


  A pastor was addressing the children during the Christmas service.
  "Who is the mother of Jesus?" he asked them.
  Without hesitation, dozens of tiny voices chorused back "Mary."
  "That's right.  Now who can tell me who is the father of Jesus?"
  There was quiet and fidgeting.  After all, no one told them there
was going to be a quiz.
  Then a young girl spoke up.  With assurance, she boldly announced,
"I know! It's Virg."
  After two more seconds of silence the entire community erupted in 
laughter.
  The young girl blushed but nevertheless continued, "Of course!...
We all know it was Virg 'n Mary.



  Jesus Christ? Hmmm...name rings a bell.  Wasn't he the guy who 
never married, never even dated, as far we know, although he was 
over 30? And didn't he spend all his time hanging out with a
dozen other *guys*, one of whom he called "Beloved" in public?
  A-a-actually.... As I remember from assorted independent studies, 
it's been worked out that the wedding when JC turned the water into 
wine was his, and he was marrying Mary Magdalene - a hooker. So, 
really, JC was a boozer who married a hooker; and his best friends
were fishermen and such.
  Jesus was a biker!



  So Jesus is being cruified, and he's hanging on the cross, when a 
small child runs out from the crowd, clambers up the cross and pulls
the nail from Jesus' hand.
  "Thank you my child," Jesus says, "You will be rewarded in Heaven".
  A second child in the crowd hears this, and thinking he would also
like some heavenly reward, he climbs the other side of the cross and
pulls the nail from Jesus' other hand.
  "You bastard!" says Jesus as he slowly begins to fall forwards.


 
  A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father
said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study
your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"
  A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they
could discuss his use of the car.
  His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your 
grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get 
hair cut!"
  The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
  His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"



  Jesus is walking through the village when he sees a bunch of people
about to stone a woman for prostitution. He crouches down and starts 
to draw in the sand with a stick, then he says to the crowd, let he 
among you who is without sin cast the first stone.
  The villagers all start to drop their stones and walk away.
Suddenly a great big rock comes flying through the air and smacks the
woman on the side of the head killing her on the spot.
  Jesus throws his stick down and says, "Mother, sometimes you really
piss me off.

 

  Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
  Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
  "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
  The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he 
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the
cage was a parrot.
  He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
  "Yes", said the parrot.
   The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot,
"What's your name?"
  "Clarence," said the bird.
  "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot 
named you Clarence?"
  The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

 

  The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly man came 
in. With great difficulty, the old man hoisted his bad leg over 
the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of 
whiskey.
  He looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
  The bartender nodded, so the old man told him to give Jesus a 
whiskey too.
  The next patron to come in was ailing with a hunched back, who 
moved very slow.  He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a 
glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that 
was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.  The bartender nodded, 
so he said to give Jesus a glass of Chianti, too.
  The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered
into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!  Hey,
is that God's Boy down there?"
  The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a 
cold one, too.
  As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the old man and
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
  The old man felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got 
up and danced a jig out the door. 
  Jesus then touched the second man and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed!"
  The man felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above 
his head and did a flip out the door.
  Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back 
and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

 
 

Jesus' Report card from grade school ...

SUBJECT        GRADE       TEACHERS COMMENT

Religion       D           To the question "Who made the world?"
                           persisted in answering 'My dad'. Claims bible
                           originated from the same source.

English        D+          Tends to speak and write in archaic forms and
                           uses outmoded figures of speech.

History        A           Excellent pupil of ancient and Religious
                           History.

Geography      C-          Assignment on 'Hot, dry lands' was excellent,
                           but shows little interest in the rest. In
                           geology, keeps talking about the Rock of Ages
                           instead of the ages of Rock.

Social         B+          Shows keen interest in social issues.
Studies

Mathematics    E           Lacks basics.  Keeps muttering about
                           'Three in one' and 'I and the father are
                           one'.

General        D           Lacks discipline - e.g., when asked to repeat
Science                    the experiment for making hydrogen, claims
                           he knew a better way.

Graphic        D           Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand
Communication              to pencil and paper.

Consumer       C+          Interesting ideas about alternative life
Education                  style: Something about living like sparrows
                           and lilies of the fields...too impractical.

Art Craft      B           Obviously has imagination and creativity,
                           a good potter - likes working with dirt
                           and water.

Material       A           Excellent in woodwork section. Obviously
Studies                    receives help and stimulation at home.

Music/         B+          A keen member of the school choir. On
Drama                      occasions can be frighteningly dramatic.

Community      A           Keen and interested in all aspects of
Living                     community.

Physical       D-          A trouble maker e.g. during the learn-to-swim
Education                  campaign insisted on trying to walk across
                           the pool.

Health         A           Shows a remarkable aptitude for first aid
Classes                    and knowledge of the body.


CLASS TEACHERS COMMENT: This boy has a very unhealthy tendency to form
gangs.  He has organized twelve of his friends into a gang and is seen
constantly in the company of the children of publicans and sinners.  He
needs to be more selective in his choice of friends.  Also, he should
learn to keep his hair at a tidy length and not wear sandals with the
school uniform.




  Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better 
on his computer.
  They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing
all of the bickering.  Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set
up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better
job."
  So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away.  They
moused around.  They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.  They sent
faxes. They sent e-mail.  They  sent e-mail with attachments.  They
downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They
authored their own web sites and uploaded them to the server. They
did every known task.
  About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, 
the electricity went off.
  Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld.  Jesus just sighed.  The electricity finally 
flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan
started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! 
I lost everything when the power went out!"
  Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
the past two hours.
  Satan observed this and became very irate, "Wait! He must have 
cheated. How did he do that?"
  God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."



Things that would be different if the Twelve Disciples were Gay:

Less "Sermons on the Mount", more "Musicals".

Jesus wouldn't wear a white robe after Labor Day.

Priests would not get married... wait a minute...

Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.

Virgin Mary's hair would be flawless.

Would not have chased money changers out of the temple-
-they would have redecorated.

Turn water into dry martinis with just a splash of curacao for color.

Triumphant Entry just screams for a Drag number.

Replace the Beatitudes with "Fabulous are they..."

Instead of the Last Supper, it would have been the Last Brunch 
with a cabaret.




  One day, while Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine
Chapel, he grew terribly bored. Suddenly, in walks an older Italian 
women who kneels down to pray. Michelangelo decides to mess with her. 
From the scaffolding high above where the woman could not see him, 
Michelangelo said, "This is Jesus Christ!" 
  But the woman ignored him and continued to pray. Michelangelo 
repeated a little louder, "This is Jesus Christ!"
  But the woman continued to pray.
  "I said, this is Jesus Christ!", Michelangelo now screamed.
  To this the woman replied, "Shut up you. I'ma talkin' to your Mama." 



  One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike. His mother
said, "At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you
want, don't you?"
  "Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas."
  His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and 
ask him."
  Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter:

Dear Jesus,
  I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike.
                 Your Friend,
                 Johnny

He thought about this and decided to start a new letter.

Dear Jesus,
  Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.

He thought about this and decided to write another letter.

Dear Jesus,
  I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.

  He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one 
either. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by 
a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked 
up the statue and hurried home. He put the statue under the bed 
and started his new letter.

Dear Jesus,
  If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike!
                   Your Friend,
                   Johnny


 
  Christ is on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary 
Magdalene when he hears in a faint voice, "Peter...Peter..."
  Peter said to Mary, "I must go and help my Savior." And he went up 
the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman 
centurions guarding the cross.  But soon he hears, "Peter...Peter" 
in even fainter tones, and he cannot ignore the call.  Peter limps 
up the hill leans a ladder against the cross, and is halfway up when 
the Centurions knock over the ladder, beat him brutally, and toss 
him back down the hill.
  Again he hears, "Peter...Peter..." ever fainter, and he cannot sit 
idle.  He staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and 
finally gets even with Christ's face.
  Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Christ says, 
"Peter...Peter...I can see your house from here."



  As a child, Jesus asked his mother, "Who" am I?"
  "The angel of the Lord came down and laid his hand upon me. You're 
the Son of God," was Mary's reply.
  Overhearing this, Joseph intoned, "He damn well better be."



  I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I 
noticed that it had a bumper sticker that read "Honk if you love 
Jesus."  So I thought about it a bit and since I loved Jesus, I 
honked my horn.  I was very surprised when the driver of the car 
got out and yelled, "The light is still red you asshole!!!," got 
back in the car and drove off through the light which had just 
turned green.



  Jesus and two of his disciples are out fishing in a boat.  Jesus 
says, "Oh, I forgot my fishing pole.  I'll be right back."
  As Jesus goes to step off the boat the disciples start becoming 
excited because they are going to see their Lord walk on water.  
You can imagine their surprise when Jesus steps off the boat and 
starts to sink!
  The disciples quickly grab him from the water and ask, "Lord! 
What happened?"
  Jesus replied, "Damn.  I should have known better.  The last time 
I tried that I didn't have these holes in my feet..."



  Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of 
Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a 
heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
1 - He went into his father's business
2 - He lived at home until the age of 33
3 - He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
1 - He never got married
2 - He never held a steady job
3 - His last request was a drink

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1 - He talked with his hands
2 - He had wine with every meal
3 - He worked in the builidng trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN
1 - He never cut his hair
2 - He walked around barefoot
3 - He invented a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST
   DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work
   for him to do.



  After having revived, Jesus began his trip around the world again.
But this time, No one knew that he was Jesus who had once died on the
cross.
  One day, Jesus saw an very old gatekeeper while he was passing by 
a big luxurious house.  The gatekeeper seemed to be very tired and 
sad, so Jesus accosted him.
  "Hello mister, you look so tired. Isn't it hard to keep going on 
working at your age", asked jesus?"
  "No, This is much easier than the one I used to do when I was young.",
the old gatekeeper replied with a sigh.
  "Oh, then what was your job before?", Jesus asked the poor man again.
  "Young man,  I was a carpenter before..."
  The old gatekeeper's reply reminded Jesus of his human father Joseph.
  "You were a carpenter?"
  "Yes, youngman, and so is my son."
  "Oh, you have a son? but Why doesn't your son serve his old father?
Does he still let you work like this?   You look so week and tired."
  "No young man, my son is not living with me now.  He was a carpenter
like me, and a good boy, but he used to spend most of his time
traveling around many places.  Long time ago, he left home for his
trip, and not returned yet.  I'm still waiting for him now."
  Suddenly Jesus got an Idea that the old gatekeeper might be his 
human father Joseph. So he kept asking; "But, mister, are you sure 
that your son is still alive?"
  "Well, young man, I don't know.  People tell me that he is dead long
time ago, and some guys even told me that they had seen my son's
death, but I'd like to believe that he is still alive.  He was a very
unique child."
  Jesus couldn't stop tears dropping from his eyes while listening the
old gatekeeper's story. He wanted to call the oldman 'father!" but To
make sure he gaved the old gatekeeper the last question.
  "But mister, Long time has passed.  Though your son is still alive
How can you recognize your son.  He must be much changed now."
  "Don't worry young man, I can recognize him. He must still have big
Nail-marks on his palms.
  At the moment, Jesus burst into tears and gave the old gatekeeper a
big hug in strong emotion, and say out loud, "OH, father, your son is 
still alive! This is him!  I'm your son!!!"
  Then, the old man was very surprised and said, "OH my God!!!  
Are you really my son? Oh my son, PINOCCHIO!! "



  This old lady was in church as she has been for years without
missing a single day. With the age and her sickness and the
abandonment of her family, her current life was nothing but misery 
and she was having doubts about her faith as she talks to Jesus 
up on the cross. 
  "Jesus why do I have to doubt? All what it's happening to me is
bad. I am poor, I am sick and my family does not love me. My life 
is a mess. Why do I have to believe in you? I need proof, then I 
would be a believer for the rest of my life. If you are real why 
don't you say something to me or at least why don't you move so I 
can see that you are real."
  The old lady goes on and on and kept asking to Jesus for proof. 
Finally when she is about to go and continue with her miserable
life Jesus decided to give her the desired proof of his tangible
existence and decided to talk to the old lady and says,	"Oh my 
dear I know you are in anguish and that you suffer but yes here 
is the proof that I am real." 
  Jesus talked to her! The old lady almost faint and said to Jesus,
"Thank you Jesus, now I believe in you and would believe forever", 
and proceeds to leave the church.
  Next day the old lady start all over again and she looks at Jesus 
and asked him, "Jesus why do I have to doubt? Why don't you give me 
a real proof that you are real. Yesterday when you talked to me I 
could not believe it because now day with the advances in technology 
I suspect that the priest was the one that play a trick on me and 
talked on a hidden microphone pretending it was you. I need real 
proof."
  The old lady kept on and on and when she was about to leave Jesus 
decided to give the poor old lady her proof and right in front of her 
eyes he moved his head and told her, "Oh my dear, I don't blame you 
for being suspicious. I also don't trust the priest."
  The old lady goes home happy as ever, convinced that Jesus had
talked to her and very much a believer decided to tell everyone her
story. Of course nobody paid much attention to her and everyone told
her that she had been taken and probably the priest was the one behind
the trick.
  Next day there was the lady again and with more emphasis she
started to demand a real proof from Jesus. She kept going and going
and when she was about to leave completely discouraged, Jesus decided
to give her another show of his mighty powers.
  "Oh my dear, I don't blame you for doubting but this has been
twice I have given you proof that I am real, what else I can do to
prove myself to you?"
  The lady started examining him very suspicious of anything she
sees and hears and tells him, "Jesus if you are real and powerful  
why don't you take the nails from one hand and move your arm? That 
way I will be sure that this is not another trick from the priest." 
  The lady goes on and on saying that would be proof enough for her 
and she would believe forever and ever until Jesus says to her, "Well 
dear, I'll do what you asked and more for I cannot loose you as a 
believer, and proceeds to blow with his mouth on his right hand 
making the nails to disappear and he moved his arm.
  "See my dear I am real and now are you  going to believe in me?"
  The old lady says to Jesus after a long time examining him over 
and over. "Why don't you do that with your other hand and then
move it, then I would believe in you for sure."
  Jesus looked at her and said, "Well my dear, only for you, and 
started to blow his breath from his mouth and the nails came off 
and he moves his arm and let go a loud exclamation,  "FUUUUUCK!
I'M FALLING!"



Modernised Birth Of Jesus (or "If Jesus were born this year")
 
  And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his 
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth 
a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a 
manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the 
angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring 
you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Saviour, which 
is Christ the Lord."
  "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who 
happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels 
are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was 
on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land 
or even hover.
  "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very 
much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, 
too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of 
reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to 
avoid sectarian strife.
  "That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as 
well as anyone that whenever a saviour appeared, judges usually 
liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or 
woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in 
a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said.
"No court can resist that."
  Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"
  "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before 
it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the 
crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary 
complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in 
the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the 
plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in
winter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was 
just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter.
  Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to 
Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other 
scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more 
attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single 
mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single 
mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third
woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child
abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.
  With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot 
infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the 
edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how 
many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had 
to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate 
religious character.
  An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had 
been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and 
whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the 
crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports 
mascot.
  "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that 
the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity 
scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He 
passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions
of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned 
environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. 
He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.
  Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring 
to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on 
Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, 
old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to 
attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe 
to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman 
oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal 
religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"
  "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you 
that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. 
The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" 
"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many 
of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly 
formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and 
lame of Bethlehem.
  A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and 
your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. 
She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke 
again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, 
but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? 
For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis 
Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"
  Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the
message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman.
"Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he 
doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in 
nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have 
big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."
  "Let me get back to you," Mary said.




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