Why did they kick Liberace out of heaven?
He kept blowing all the prophets.
I cannot tell you how sorry I was to hear that your husband has
gone to heaven. We were great friends and it is sad to think that
we will never meet again.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
What do promiscuous angels get?
Harpies
What's heavenly, white, and falls from above?
Kingdom come.
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are
well or you are sick.
If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but
if you are sick there are only two things to worry about:
either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But
if you die there are only two things to worry about: either
you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands
with friends you won't have time to worry
Hell is a very small town in Michigan (just off of M-36,
near Pinckney in Livingston county) that has it's own
combination post-office and general store. The zip code
there is 48169.
Driving directions from Detroit, MI:
1- I-96 West to US-23 South
2- Right on Whitmore Lake Road
3- Left on Spicer Road (which becomes M-36 East)
4- Turn right on Hamburg Road (stay on M-36 East)
5- Left on S. Peaceful Valley Drive.
So, you're now able to provide _exact_ directions when
telling someone to "go to Hell".
According to the Torah, all non-Jews will go to Hell.
According to the Bible, all non-Christians will go to Hell.
According to the Koran, all non-Muslims will go to Hell.
Hell will be a pretty crowded place, if you believe in that
kind of stuff!
While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk
at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand,
and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.
The checker looked distressed, so I the woman said, "That's
Okay, it's in coupon heaven now."
"Coupon heaven?", the checker said.
"Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."
"Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.
St. Peter was taking care of the Pearly Gates one day. As he
looked down the pathway, he saw Tommy (an All-star High School
Football Player) coming up the path.
He told Tommy, "There's got to be some mistake, I wasn't
expecting you so soon. You're supposed to go to college, and
play in either the Rose Bowl or Cotton Bowl as the M.V.P."
"From there you would go into the pro's as a number one draft
choice, what happened?"
"Graduation gift and my girlfriend," said Tommy.
"I don't think I understand said St. Peter."
"Well Tina, my girlfriend and I were driving around in my new
Trans Am, that I received for graduation. That's when she said,
'Tommy, be an angel and let me drive.' and like an idiot, I let her!"
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and arrives at the Pearly
Gate, where he is met by St. Peter, himself. The gate is closed, and
Forest approaches the gate keeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.
We've heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is
filling up fast, so we've been administering an entrance exam to
everyone. The tests are short, but you must pass before you can
enter Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is nice to be here, St. Peter. I been
lookin' forward to this. Nobody tole me about any exams. Shore do
hope the test ain't hard; life were a big enough test."
St. Peter explains,"Yes, I know Forest; but, the test I have for
you is only three questions. First, What days of the week begin with
the letter T? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third,
what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think about the questions. He returns the next
day and approaches St. Peter to answer the questions. St. Peter asks,
"Now that you have had a chance to think about the questions, tell me
your answers."
Forest replies, "Well, that first one, how many days of the week
begin with the letter T; shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today
and Tomorrow!"
St. Peters's surprise shows, and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not
what I was thinking, but ...you do have a point, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for your answer. How about the next one?
How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that there one's harder," says Forest, "But, I thunk and thunk
about it, and I guess the only answer is twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Forest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve; January second,
February second, March second..."
"Hold it", interrupts St. Peter, "I see where you're going with
this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what
I had in mind, I'll give you credit for that one, also. Let's get
to the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well, shore, that's easy, I know God's first name.
Everybodys gotta know it. It is Howard."
"Howard?, asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?"
Forest answers, "Why, it's in the prayer."
St. Peter asks, "What prayer?"
"The Lord's prayer. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be
thy name!"
A man dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly
Gates and says, "I'm sorry sir, but you can't come in."
The man with a puzzled look upon his face asks why.
St. Peter replies, "Because you've said the Lord's name in vain
one million six times."
The man says, "ONE MILLION SIX?! JESUS CHRIST!"
This old geezer lived near the Ohio River, and in the recent floods,
he was washed away and his friends and family feared that he'd drowned.
Miraculously, though, a state trooper pulled him out and his life was
saved.
The old geezer lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept
telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they
were bored to tears.
Finally the old geezer died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met
him at the Pearly Gates and said, "Welcome to Heaven! We'd like you
to be eternally happy, so if there's anything you'd like to do,
anything at all, just tell me and we'll fix it up for you."
"Thanks," said the old geezer. "I'd sure like to tell a bunch of
folks about how I survived the Ohio River floods."
"No problem," said St. Peter. "I'll make the arrangements and get
back to you."
A few days later, St. Peter contacted the old geezer and took him
to the lecture hall where he was to give his talk. They both waited
backstage while the audience got settled, and the geezer was pleased
to see that it was rather a large crowd.
The St. Peter grabbed the old geezer's arm. "Now, I don't want to
make you nervous, but I've just spotted Noah in the crowd."
Two lifelong friends had a running argument. The black friend would
argue that God was black, and the white friend would disagree and say
that God was white.
One day, they decided to go fishing. On the way back, they were still
arguing about whether or not God was black or white. Before they knew
it, they where in an accident, and they found themselves in heaven.
When they got there, St. Peter met them at the Pearly gates. Again,
the question was was brought up, "Is God black or white?"
St. Peter told them to have a seat in the waiting room and God would
come out and talk to them about it.
While they were waiting, they continued to argue whether God was
black or white. Then they heard some footsteps coming. They turned
around as the door swung open and in stepped in God in His grandest
toga.
They looked to Him expectantly, waiting for His answer to their long
running argument.
"Hola, muchachos!"
One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a
terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates,
they met St. Peter.
He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here,
don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone.
If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the
ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."
The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her
laughter stepped back almost falling over.
"QUACK!"
She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest
person in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly
torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second
teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second
ugliest person in Heaven.
The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to
these people for eternity.
The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the
most gorgeous guy they had ever seen.
She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said,
"He stepped on a duck."
David Duke, former leader of the white supremacist organization
the Ku Klux Klan, died and was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"David," said St. Peter, "I've got some good news and I've got some
bad news. Which news do you want first?"
David Duke replied, "Give me the bad news."
"The bad news is that God disagrees with your racist opinions.
Heaven is completely integrated; we have Jews, Catholics, blacks
and all different kinds of people living up here."
"Okay. What's the good news?"
"The good news," St. Peter smiled, "is that you won't have to worry
about that where you're going."
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved
because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able
to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be
able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't
take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to
God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The
angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow
him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his
largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it
beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven
to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on,
you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and
asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter
checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one
carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting
it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that
the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You
brought some paving tiles?!!!"
This rich person was very faithful about going to church. His time
came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by
St. Peter, he was made to wait.
The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful
about going to church. I was an important person on earth."
St. Peter said, "We're readying your residence."
Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous
mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person
in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more
beautiful that the last.
Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours."
The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I
get this?"
St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich on earth, this was
the best we could do with the money YOU donated to us."
There was this man that was always dirty, he never shave was always
smelly, didn't cut his hair...etc.
One day he encountered the devil,the devil told him if you don't cut
your hair and take a bath in the next week I'm gonna take you with me,
then the devil disappeared.
The man said, "Stupid devil he's not gonna take me".
It was getting close to the end of the week and the man was getting
scared so he had a bath and cut all his hair off, so he was bald.
At the end of the week the devil came back,he was looking for the
hairy and smelly guy. The bald guy passed by the devil but the devil
didn't recognise him.
The man said, "I sure fooled that sucker."
Then the devil gives up and says, "Since I didn't find him, I'll
take this bald headed one instead.
Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused
to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around
sucking blood & killing.
"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God.
"I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be
reincarnated into any other living things of your choice. So, what
would you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a living thing
with wings and sucks blood, heh, heh, heh."
"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a vampire bat.
So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals
until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to
meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish (and a little batty).
"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again.
BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"
Still adamant, Dracula said, "I still want to be a living thing with
wings and sucks blood!"
God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want",
and turned Dracula into a mosquito.
So back to earth again he went, flying around and sucking blood until
one day, splat, he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to
meet God, feeling stupid (and rather bugged).
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. but, this time you
cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a non-living
thing of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okay...then turn me into a non-living
thing with wings and sucks blood!! heh...heh...
"No problem," said God and He turned Dracula into a 'Sanitary Towel'.
A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met
him at the door. "You can't come in," he said.
The Pagan asked why.
"You're Pagan, sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there
and they say it's cool."
So he goes to hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with
people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white comes to
him and presents himself as Satan. "Wow!" thinks the pagan, "Hell
ain't so bad!"
Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground.
A screaming flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a
crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to
normal.
"What was that?" the pagan asks Satan.
Satan replies "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have hell any
other way.."
So, there's this lawyer who dies and goes to Hell. The lawyer sits
in the waiting room for hours, then Satan finally gets to him.
"Welcome to Hell," Satan says. "Have you decided what your Hell
is going to be yet?"
The lawyer, confused, says, "Well, no. What do you mean?"
Satan replies, "Well, we have different types of hell based on your
life experiences. You were a lawyer, right? Well, you need to choose
between Door A and Door B. Go ahead and think about it. I'll be back
in awhile to hear your decision."
Well, the lawyer gets up and opens Door A. Inside is a courtroom
where the judge is yelling, slamming his gavel, and ruling against
every case the poor lawyers inside present. The clients are wailing,
the lawyers are crying; it's just terrible!
"Hmm," the lawyer thinks, "That certainly doesn't look too good.
I wonder what Door B has?"
Inside Door B the lawyer sees client after client passing lawyers
by for other, unknown counsel. No matter how hard they try, no
matter how many ambulances they chase, they can't secure a client.
It doesn't take long for the lawyers to turn on each other, maiming
and wounding one another in an effort to be the most attractive to
the clients.
"Well, I certainly don't want to spend my eternity in this room of
desperation and greed," the lawyer thinks.
So what to do? Off to the side of the two doors, the lawyer sees
another unmarked door. Curious, he sneaks a peek inside that room.
Inside is a beautiful office filled with spectacular furnishings,
state-of-the-art equipment, piles of money, and the most gorgeous
legal secretaries you can imagine. The lawyers inside sit back and
count their money while these wonderful assistants do all the work
for them, and in no time at all!! If a lawyer complains of a
headache, one of the beautiful secretaries massages his temple. If
a lawyer wants something to eat or drink, the secretary fetches it
immediately. If a lawyer complains of sore feet, the secretary rubs
his feet.
"Now THAT'S more like it!!" the lawyer says to himself.
When Satan returns awhile later, he asks the lawyer which door,
A or B -- he wants to spend eternity in.
The lawyer says, "Well, neither, Satan, but I did see this other
door over here that looks pretty good. THAT'S where I want to spend
eternity."
Satan says, "No, that's not an option."
The lawyer questions, "Why not? I was a lawyer, after all, and
that room was filled with lawyer-type stuff."
Satan chuckles. "No, you don't understand. You have to pick the
hell for lawyers...that door is hell for legal secretaries."
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers.
The first boasted that his dad owned a farm.
The second said his dad owned a factory.
The third boy, a pastors son, replied, "That's nothin'.
My dad owns hell."
"No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?"
"Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told
my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him
lastnight."
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the
Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said,
"Hello, and welcome."
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute,"
she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."
He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me,
please."
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which
went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked
for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward.
Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of
her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and
making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in
wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a
small group of people a short way away from the edge of the
Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers,
but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping
piteously.
The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"
St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a
bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry
on like that all day."
"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really
have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being
told what He thinks."
Some man dies and goes to hell. He is not very happy about this,
so he goes to see the devil himself, to ask him if it is possible
to go upstairs instead.
Well, The devil replies, you are scheduled to leave here in
1,000,000 years, but I have a special offer this week. If you can go
to bed with my mother-in-law and keep her happy for 24 hours straight,
you'll get out in 100,000 years.
If you can keep her happy for 48 hours straight, you'll get out in
1000 years. If you last 72 hours, you are free to go.
The man thinks about this, and decides that it is worth a shot.
He follows the devil until he comes to a room. Inside he sees the
devil's mother-in-law, who is the most sickening sight he ever saw.
He can hardly see where her warts end and she begins. Fighting back
nausea, he begins on his mission.
The devil himself keeps watch at the door. After 24 hours the man
is still going strong, after 48 hours still no sight of him, The
minute the 72 hours has elapsed the door opens and the man falls
out, totally exhausted. Before the devil can say or do anything, the
man rises, grabs the devil by the collar, and says
-Why you.. You.. You ... This is unfair. While I was busy humping
your mother-in-law, I noticed a hole in the wall. When I looked
through it, I saw my worst enemy in bed with the most beautiful
woman I ever saw. Why on earth is he getting special treatment?
The devil looks at the man and says - I am fair, there are also
women who want to get out of hell.
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other
in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you
doing here?"
The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole
to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a
faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son," the Irishman replied.
TIRED OF FOLLOWING THE RULES!
Are you sick of your dead-end job, working for an incompetent boss?
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your entire life to an obscure facet of everyday living.
From our video library: Richard Nixon on 'Deny, Deny, Deny'.
A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter
tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated
on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be
to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy
it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity
in heaven.
So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks
along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman.
When he asks what's going on, Steve replies, "I cheated on my income
taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money."
They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they
might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now David,
Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own
business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Martin
up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous supermodel/centrefold.
Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover it is their
friend Martin.
They ask him how it is he's with this unbelievable goddess, while
they're stuck with these god-awful women.
Martin replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five
years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There
is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish
having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes!'"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to
go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."
A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond.
As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was
bare with no greenery.
He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this
looks just like Texas."
The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter...
and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret.
There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and
Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back.
"Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's
an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!"
"Of course, Sister,"he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning
he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver
and heard,"Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former
husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter
Smiths. Give us a little clue."
The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said
that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."
Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"
Three men go to the gates of heaven after they die and they speak
to God. God tells the three men that they will need transportation
around Heaven.
The type of transportation you have depends on how faithful you
were to your spouse. So the first man walks up to God, and God asks
the first man, "were you faithful to your wife?"
The first man replied, "Yes, well, I may have cheated on her once."
God asked the man, "Exactly how many times did you cheat on her?"
And the man says, "OK, I cheated on her 11 times."
So God gave the man a Buick Skylark.
Then God asked the second man the same question,and the second man
answered, "I cheated on my wife 5 times."
So God gave the man a Honda Accord.
Then God asked the third man the same question.
The third man replied, " I have never cheated on my wife. I have
always been completely faithful to her. " So God gave this man a
beautiful convertible Mercedes, and he was the envy of the other men
in his beautiful sports car.
All the other men were jealous, but they knew that they got what
they deserved. One day while on the road, the first two men saw the
third man driving in his Mercedes looking very upset so they pulled
up next to him and the first man asked, "What's wrong? You have a
gorgeous car! You should be having the best time of all three of us."
The third man just looked down the road with his mouth wide open
and said, "I just passed my wife on roller skates."
St. Peter greeted two newcomers at the Pearly Gates. One was a
priest, the other was a lawyer. He ushered the priest to a small
shack and settled him in to his austere quarters; then led the
lawyer to a huge, luxuriously appointed mansion.
"I don't understand," the lawyer puzzled. "That man was a priest,
and you gave him a shack. And yet, you've said I am to live in this
luxurious, huge mansion. Why?"
"Sir," said St. Peter. "We've had lots and lots of priests, here.
But, you, sir, are our very FIRST lawyer."
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane
crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to
the pearly gates together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think
we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that
happen.
St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters
just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you
back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete.
Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't
expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you
could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe
you one."
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT...Two days later...
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope asshole is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving
everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough fucking money to buy
air conditioning."
<< TOP 21 GOOD THINGS ABOUT HELL
21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.
20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use
low- fat canola oil.
19. Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year.
18. Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.
17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.
16. Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly
entertaining.
15. No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole's election chances.
14. Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.
13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!
12. The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show."
11. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy
Davis, Jr.
10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.
9. Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!
8. Big step up from Bakersfield.
7. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular
results.
6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made
back in early 80's).
5. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that
date with Cindy Crawford.
4. 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey!
3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad
the Impaler, and Hitler.
2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy
Kerrigan's knee.
1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." T-shirts.
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know
how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and
his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think
I ought to aggravate anybody."
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at
the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make
it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I
give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how
good it was. When you reach 100 points, you can get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years
and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and
supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a
shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate, the only way I get
into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was
waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to
let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground.
Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay
man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight
to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."
After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay
man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before,
but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so
he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control
jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to
hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine
inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire,
no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of
blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.
A man died and went to hell. When he got there, he was led to a room
that turned out to be a parochial school classroom. The meanest battle
axe of a nun then came to the front of the room and ordered the man to
sit up straight and listen. From time the man would slouch in his seat
or doze off, and every such time the nun would rap the man's knuckles.
Also, from time to time the nun would interrupt her lecture and order
the man to repeat what he had heard. If he forgot anything, she would
rap his knuckles and berate him.
After several days of this, the man got up, left the room, and
demanded to see the devil in charge.
"How long does this have to go on?" he demanded.
"Forever."
"Can't I be thrown in a fiery pit instead?" he asked.
"No."
"I thought hell was fire and brimstone -- not Catholic school."
"For some people, but not you."
"But why me?"
Finally the devil explained. "You have to go back to that room and
stay there forever for that nun. You see, she's in heaven."
During the Religious Education class, Sister Mary asked the
4th Graders, "All right class, what part of your body do you think
goes to heaven first?
Little Johnny is the 1st one with his hand up! "Doris", says Sister
Mary," why don't you tell us what YOU think is the first part of your
body that goes to Heaven!"
"Well Sister Mary, I think that it is your hands because when we pray,
all hands are pointing to heaven"
"A very nice answer -- Thank You Doris", says Sister Mary.
"Who wants to go next?" says Sister Mary.
Little Johnny has his hand up first again!
Then Sister Mary says, "Michael -- tell the class what part of your
body goes to Heaven first".
"Sister Mary, I think that it is our eyes, when we pray we look at
heaven -- so it must be the eyes!"
"That's another nice answer -- Thank You Michael", Sister Mary
comments.
Okay children, we only have time for one more answer. By now Little
Johnny is half standing up and waving his hand high in the air.
"All right Johnny, why don't you tell us what body part YOU feel goes
to Heaven first.
"It's definitely your feet Sister. There's no doubt about it!"
"Your feet Johnny? I'm afraid that you are going to have to explain
THAT one! remarks Sister Mary.
"Well Sister, when I walked by my Parent's bedroom, their door was
open and I could see in the room real good. My Mother was laying on
her back. Her feet were HIGH in the air. They were higher than her
eyes and they were higher than her hands. And she was yelling "Lord
I'm a 'comin!! And she would have too, if my Dad wasn't holding
her down!"
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive
woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up
in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do
with you."
No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but
I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in
Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want
to spend an eternity in." Actually, I think I've made up my mind...
I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive
in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found
herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were
all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and
cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they
talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at
night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and
lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy
and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time
to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on
the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found
St. Peter.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and
St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now
you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think
I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to
Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing
in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her
friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting
it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you.
Today you're staff."
This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line,
she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs
her somewhat, so she tracks down St Peter to find out what is
going on.
"Oh that" he says, "that's just the woman in front of you.
They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings."
The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her
position, when the screaming starts again. This time it is
louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls St Peter
over again to find out what is happening to the woman now.
"Oh that" he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head
to attach the halo."
The woman decides that she wants out and tells St Peter that
she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell.
"Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible
place, you'll end up getting sodomised and raped and even worse!"
"That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that."
A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the
subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just
won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed
that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to
end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to
Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying
anything. And they looked at her and said, "You're such a nice
lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
She says, "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me
a ticket straight to Hell!"
They were shocked and asked, "Why??"
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you?"
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long
line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were
allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others,
though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire,
Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity
got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was
doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for
judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those
people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the
others?"
"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle,
they're too wet to burn."
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from
New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple
at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most
virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and
said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
God looks over the millions of people and says, "Welcome to Heaven.
The women are to go with Saint Peter, and the men are then to form two
lines. Make one line of the men that dominated their women on earth,
and the other of men who were dominated by their women."
With much movement the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by women is 100 miles long but
the line of men who dominated women has only one man.
God gets angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud and
prepare to learn from him!"
God turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How you managed
to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die
on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks the
Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven.
He replies, "I've been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue
every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes."
"And what is your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Penny," the man replies.
"Penny?!!" shouts St. Peter. "You Jews are all alike. Money, money,
money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get
out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!"
Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven.
"I've been a devout Catholic throughout my life, attended church
every Sunday, and always gave generously to the collection plate."
"And what's your wife's name?" St. Peter asks.
"Brandy," the Irishman replies.
"Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink. You even
married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight!
You are damned to Hell!"
With that, the Greek guy turns to his wife and says, "Fanny, I think
we have a problem..."
A bus driver and a minister were standing in line to get into heaven.
The bus driver approached the gate and St. Peter said, "Welcome! I
understand you were a bus driver - since I am in-charge of housing, I
believe I have found the perfect place for you. Do you see that mansion
over there? It's yours!".
The minister heard this and began to stand a little taller. He said
to himself, if a bus driver gets a place like that, just think what I
am going to get!
The minister approached the gate and St. Peter said: "Welcome! I
understand you were a MINISTER. Do you see that shack in the valley?"
The minister protested. "I was a MINISTER! I preached the gospel!
I helped to teach people about GOD! Why does that bus driver get a
mansion and I get a shack?"
St.Peter replied, "Unfortunately, it seems that when you preached,
people SLEPT. But when the bus driver drove, people PRAYED!"
A young couple is killed in a car crash on the way to their wedding.
They approach St. Peter and ask about the possibility of getting
married.
St. Peter says, "Kids, you're in Heaven now. This is eternity.
Don't rush in to things - wait 50 years and see if you two still want
to get married."
The young couple agrees. They return to St. Peter after 50 years.
Again St. Peter says, "You're rushing into this. Wait another 50
years."
Again the young couple waits, and returns. "St. Peter - we've waited
100 years and we still want to get married. Please don't put us off
any longer. We really want to get married now."
St. Peter replies, "OK, OK, just wait another 50 years. I promise,
if we don't have a clergyman up here by then, I'll do it myself!"
A man dies, and finds himself in heaven. St. Peter offers to give
him the tour. They walk around a little, and the man sees Samoans
worshiping God in a Samoan way, and Zoroastrians worshiping in a
Zoroastrian way, and Eskimos worshiping in an Eskimo way, and so
on...on and on, till at one point they come to an enormous fortress
made of stone, completely sealed off, with no windows or doors.
Dimly, from within, they can hear the sound of wild partying.
"Shhh," says St. Peter. "Be very quiet."
The two tiptoe past the fortress in utter silence, and when they
have left it a way behind, the man turns to St. Peter and says,
"Why did we have to be so quiet back there? What's in the fortress?"
St. Peter answers, "Oh, those are the Fundamentalists. They don't
know anyone else is here."
The three stooges all came to a sudden demise at the same instant.
At the Pearly Gates they found St. Peter who said, "Here's how it
works. I ask you a Biblical question and if you answer it correctly,
you get to go into heaven."
Larry stepped up first and St. Peter asked, "Larry, who was the
first man on earth?"
Larry, very relieved, exclaimed, "ADAM !"
Bells rang, birds chirped, the gates flew open and he walked into
heaven.
Curley stepped up next, very worried, and St. Peter asked, "Curley,
who was the first woman on earth?"
Curley answered, "Eve."
Bells rang, birds chirped, the gates flew open and he walked into
heaven.
Moe stepped up last, very worried, and St. Peter said, "You know,
Moe, I normally only have two questions ready so I'll have to make
up the question for you. Moe, what were the first words ever spoken
by Eve to Adam?"
Moe was puzzled and mumbled, "Gee, that's a hard one."
Bells rang, birds chirped, the gates flew open and he walked into
heaven.
Three guys found themselves in Hell, Bob, Dave, and an Apeman. A little
confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in
the wall (which they hadn't noticed before) open, and behind the door was
perhaps the Ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and
you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Bob, you have sinned!!! You are
condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to
his doom. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both
jumped when a second door opened, and lo! an even more disgusting example
of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7', covered in thick black hair,
and flies circled her.
The Voice of the Devil was heard, "Dave, you have sinned!!! You are
condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!!!"
And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.
Da Apeman, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst
when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to
see the figure of...Cindy Crawford!! Delighted, an Apeman jumped on the
spot, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed barely in a
metallic bikini, when he heard the voice of the Devil say, "Cindy, you
have sinned!!"
One day a man arrives at the gate of hell. Of course the pour sool gets
to meet mister Devil himself. Having had a life full of sin, he gets the
choice of spending eternity in either one of three rooms. The Devil leads
him to the first room. As the door opens the man sees a freezing cold
chamber. A group of people stands shivering in the middle of the room,
desperately trying to deny that the temperature is way below zero.
"Let's go to the next room", the man says, "I like eternity to be a
little warmer."
The Devil takes him to the next room. In there everything is burning.
Even standing outside the man feels the steaming heat. "Naaaah", he says,
"I don't want eternity to be that hot, let's go to the last room,
Mr Diabolo!".
The third room looks a lot more interesting. Standing in dogshit to
their knees a group of people is drinking coffee.
"Now that's nice", the man exclaims, "Eternity should be nice drinking
coffee. I think I'll get used to the stink. So Mr. Devil, I'd like to stay
here for the next three million years!".
As said, it is done. The devil leaves with his well-known sardonic smile
and the man drinks coffee standing in the shit. "Not too bad", he thinks.
But after a wile a buzzer begins to buzz. A voice speaks through a speaker,
"Coffee-break is over. Go stand on your head again!"
A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really
think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to
pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to
Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates
for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while
you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any
newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the
woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful
angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the
gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset
when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here?
Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia.
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter
is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good
in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you
can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time
when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker
Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what
was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing
this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my
trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with
a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle
around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over
the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of
them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick,
deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about ten minutes ago."
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was
faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental
impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project,
but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly
project in the first place.
He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let
there be light."
Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made.
Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.
God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that
no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a
building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out
half the time.
God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness
"Night."
Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such and many seed."
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life;
and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department
of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project
in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days
to review the application and the environmental impact statement.
After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be
10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets
the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and
if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable,
please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived
with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more." And, a wonderful fluffy
pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and
go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord to great them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We've had to
run from cats, dogs and even folks with brooms. Running...running...
running...we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller
skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more." And, each mouse is fitted with beautiful
new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him
snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him,
"How are things since you've been here?"
The cat stretches, yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here...better
than I could have ever imagined. And, those 'Meals On Wheels' you've
been sending are theeeeeeeee best!!!"
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint
Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave
another homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming
this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do
with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies
and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've
been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and
introduces him to God.
Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your
invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes,
and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson,
"but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention
than yours."
Jesus is walking around Heaven one day and is stopped by a very old man.
"Young fellow," he says, "I wonder if you can help me? Many years ago,
I was a carpenter in the old country. I was poor then, as I am poor now;
but then at least my son, my only child was with me. But then he left home
to make his way in the world. I understand he had great adventures, and
finally underwent a miraculous transformation. They tell me that to this
day people still tell his story. Can you help me find him?"
Jesus's eyes fill with tears. "Father!", he cries.
"Pinocchio?"
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter
tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple
question.
The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in
November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the
other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and
asks her the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the
pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to
join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do
YOU know what Easter is"?
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the
eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to
the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be
crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown
of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands
and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by
a large boulder."
St Peter smiled broadly with delight.
The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved
aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there
will be six more weeks of winter."
Dan and Lorne were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Dan's
arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Lorne?" Dan asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Lorne was not as fortunate as you he went
in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Dan was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Lorne one more
time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Dan and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked
down. There was Lorne, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde
in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Lorne seems to have it pretty nice
down there in Hell," says Dan.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg
has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."
Ned had a dream about his friend Luke. Ned dreamed that Luke died
and went to heaven. But in the dream the way to heaven was to climb
a ladder. And as anyone climbed the ladder, he was supposed to take
a piece of chalk and make a mark on each rung for each sin he had
committed.
As Ned looked into his dream, he saw Luke coming down the ladder.
Ned asked him what he was doing?
Luke said that he was coming down for more chalk.
Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The police are English
The government is run by the Swiss
Hell is a place where:
The lovers are Swiss
The cooks are English
The mechanics are French
The police are German
The government is run by the Italians
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a
fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's
Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered
if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed
up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months...
and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven,
what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we
also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
A man passed away and went to heaven. Arriving at the pearly gates,
St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here."
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There
were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every
corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock
warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, "St. Peter, what's the
deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?"
St. Peter replied, "The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is
one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie,
his clock moves one minute." "For instance, this clock is for Sam, the
used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move."
"Click." The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. "Click."
It moved another minute. "Sam must be into closing a customer right now,"
said St. Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day."
The man and St. Peter continued walking. Soon, they came to a clock
with cobwebs on the minute hand.
"Whos clock is this?" asked the man.
"That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God
fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two."
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching
the clocks of all his friends.
When the tour was finished, the man said, "I've seen everyone's clock
but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?"
Saint Peter smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan."
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged
to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing
before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this
must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what
we see here is the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven."
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord
himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this
humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants
devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and
Seymour again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below
Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy,
and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a
reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to
eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't
understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it
pay to cook?"
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was
determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally
figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to
fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to
the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when
he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the
attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me
put the money in the basement."
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves
at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told
that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from
the family's Christmas tree.
He is let in.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were
opened earlier in that night.
So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of black panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"
To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."
By coincidence, Pope John Paul and Bill Clinton happen to die at the
same time, but the pope finds himself in hell, while Clinton winds up
in heaven.
The pope, of courese is irate. He calls up God and says, "God, what's
happening? I've been your pope for decades on earth and I'm in hell,
while that adultering, pot-smoking, draft-dodging Clinton is in heaven.
What's going on?"
God says to him, "John Paul, there must have been some mix-up. I'll
speak to Peter, call me back tomorrow, we'll see what we can do."
The pope calls God back the next day, and is told, "We're very sorry
about the mix-up. Near where the phone is you'll see a door. Behind
the door are some stairs. Follow the stairs and you'll get to heaven."
So, John Paul packs his things and climbs the stairs. Half-way up
he runs into Clinton, going down the stairs.
"There, you see?" he says. "You are going where you belong, while
I'll get to hobnob with God, the saints, Jesus, the holy virgin Mary..."
Clinton cuts him off there, saying, "Oh, about that 'virgin' thing..."
3 girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering
the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this
simple question."
Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still
virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl...the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh,quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was
not after I got married."
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl...the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy
I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime".
"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl...my room key."
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up
to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay
dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached
the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.
"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"'Tis I, your lordship-President Bill Clinton".
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had
extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I
didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit
perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's
the deal. We'll send you some place where it is very hot, but we won't
call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but
we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon
entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up
by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether
to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society
by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also
created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see
if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see
heaven!"
"Fine", said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to
a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and
tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago!
I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place,
with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water??"
"That was the DEMO," replied God
A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are
in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears to speak with
them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.
The doctor said, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and
have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people."
St. Peter said, "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what
about you?"
The nurse answered, "I have supported the Doctor and his patients my
entire life as an adult, etc..."
St. Peter remarked, "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor.
And what about you?"
The HMO Executive stated, "I was the president of a very large Health
Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of
millions of people all over the country."
St. Peter told him, "Oh, I see. Please go on in...but you can only
stay 2 nights!
Mom and Dad tried to console their young son. "You know, Jeffrey,
it's not your fault the dog died".
Little Jeffrey would have none of it.
Dad said, "He's probably up in Heaven right now with God."
Jeffrey asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon
entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and
asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car
was on display.
Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again
he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In
fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get
put on display."
Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet
- the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit.
At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter
- Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean
to tell me he has just died?!?
"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it
on weekends."
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in heaven.
During this orientation, they are all asked, "When you are in your
casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like
to hear them say about you".
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great
doctor of my time and a great family man.".
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children
of tomorrow.".
The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING".
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding
in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three
men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore
St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If
anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer,
then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with
me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded
it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher
disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula
you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and
reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician
disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a
very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out
from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to
Heaven.
Process-Oriented God
If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something
like this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was
without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully
balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic
status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of
self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.
And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement."
And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God
called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.
And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and
engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic
differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third
day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought
the process was constructive.
And evening and morning were the third day.
And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can
envision functional organization and engage in planning by objectives."
The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential
alternatives to program directions, and God saw that this was good.
And God thought that it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts
that he had to supply.
And so ended the fourth day.
And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range
planning and strategy." The committee considered guidelines and
linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and
implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic.
And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional
renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.
On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory
assessment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned.
He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon
off to create day and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and
stars and trees and seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish
and animals and human beings.
On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its
recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were
nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee
passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the
guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should
have been created in the committee's image.
And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee...
Two lovers who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation vowed
that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the
partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck
would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit
world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do
you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most
of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.
"Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and
there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and
then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again
until we fall asleep about 11 PM."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out
and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years
mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath
suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter
how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that
the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday
and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great
golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the
old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old
man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get
sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his
hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both
tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man
looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't
for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before
St. Peter to find out if they will be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of
them gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should
go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They are
the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to
be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and
asks Diana the same.
Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her
purse, shakes it up and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you
two of God's creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and
she gets and I don't!"
"Sorry, Dolly but a royal flush beats a great pair any day."
Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates
by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that
I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to
St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back
to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men
in 7 days'!"
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing
in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all
we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab...
we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out.
If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...you're
already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.
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