God Jokes

God Jokes

  A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While 
the religious man prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on 
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked 
twice at a church.  However, the atheist's life was good, he had a 
well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy 
and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his 
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids 
wouldn't give him the time of the day.
  So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards 
heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice 
for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, 
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems 
blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an 
indignity.  Why is this?" 
  And a great voice was heard from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER 

Dear God
  So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't 
lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or 
overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, 
God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm going to 
need a lot more help.

God is amazing.  Ancient man had no idea we'd need glasses...
And yet, look where God put our ears for wearing them.

Why did God create woman after man?
Because He couldn't allow Earth to be more enjoyable than Heaven.

Why did God create a man first?
So he could have time to enjoy the Garden of Eden before a woman
could come along to show him how to make things better.

Whenever your kids are out of control,  you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend
to God's kids.

Children's letters to God

Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Why is Sunday school on Sunday?  I thought it was supposed to be our
day of rest.

What does it mean you are a jealous God?  Don't you have everything?

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had 
their own rooms.  It works with my brother and me.

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why 
don't you just keep the ones you have now?    

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.  Is that okay?

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!  He said 
some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but 
I hope you will not hurt him in anyway. Your Friend (but I am 
not going to tell you who I am)
Please send me a pony.  I never asked for anything before.  
You can look it up.

If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer 
Horton, because I hate her.

I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so 
much hair all over.

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.

I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. 
There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.

Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.

My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. 
They are just kidding, aren't they?

If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. 

We read Thomas Edison made light.  But in Sunday School, we learned 
that you  did it.  So I bet he stole your idea.

I do not think anybody could be a better God.  Well I just want you 
to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.      

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you 
made on Tuesday.  That was cool!

Relax...If we weren't meant to keep starting over
would GOD have granted us Monday??

"I think that God, in creating man, 
somewhat overestimated his ability." 
 Oscar Wilde.

"The most basic reason why God could not do it is 
because the concept of God requires humans to exist."

"If God were a liberal, 
he would have given Moses the Ten Suggestions."

"If only God would give me a clear sign! 
Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."    
 Woody Allen.

"In the beginning, there was nothing.
And God said, 'Let there be Light'.
And there was still nothing. 
But, you could see it."

"God must love stupid people... He made so MANY of them !"

"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
 Woody Allen.

"If you talk to God, you are praying; 
if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." 

 Ring ring...
 God:  Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
 Sinner:  I seem to have lost my faith.
 God:  Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a catholic
 Sinner:  Ummm...  lets see, I have a conformation, so it must have 
been a priest.
 God:  And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly 
 Sinner:  Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at
Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.
 God:  Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have
corrupted your faith?
 Sinner:  Not that I can think of..
 God:  Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from
Simple Lies (c)*(Microsoft) or Street Retoric (Internet).  Have your
Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?
 Sinner:  Well I did listed to a bum on the street that said that God
was asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires
of hell.
 God:  What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith,
you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you
Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without
God there is no hell, thus the paradox.
 Sinner:  And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?
 God:  Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible(TM)
and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the
passages about Judas.ini (c).   you can also find some help in the
Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used
with a complete lack of Faith.
 Sinner:  And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted
 God:  Well there are several products out there just for that purpose,
Lotus Devout(TM), Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and Netscape Hereafter
Browser(TM).  If you use these products and not download data from know
corrupting sources, you should be fine.
 Sinner:  Well thank you very much God, This should help out allot, I
should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.
 God:  Go in Peace(TM) my son.
 Ring ring...
 God:  Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
 Sinner:  Hello, I am now Jewish(TM)...

The 7th day

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six 
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the 
seventh day. 
  He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
  God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
  Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
  "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to 
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
  "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
  God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will 
be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and
over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing 
to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while
this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
  The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land 
mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
  "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. 
There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite 
coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent 
and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll 
be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will 
be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm 
also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players 
who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
  Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What 
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
  God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth group I'm
putting next to them."

  A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time
on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God.  They were to bring
back their letter the following Sunday.  One little boy wrote:
"Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have 
been there."

  A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before 
him at family meals.  Then he would ask the blessing.
  One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little 
girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
  "Why, of course," he replied.  "He hears us every time we pray."
  She on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say 
the rest of the time?"
  "Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had 
inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.  
However, his pride was quickly turned to humility...
  "Then which does God believe?"


  We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part 
of modern life.  But you may have wondered: what if God decided 
to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this...

  Thank you for calling The Lord's House.  Please select from the
following options:



Press 3 for COMPLAINTS

Press 4 for HEALING


Press 6 for RAIN or No RAIN

Press 7 for MIRACLES



Press 0 to hear this menu again

What if God used the familiar excuse...

  "I'm sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS right now.  
Please stay on the line.  Your call is important to us and will be 
answered in this millenium.

Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God 
in prayer:

If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.

For Michael, press 22.

For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are 
holding, please press 55.  Then wait for the beep and enter the 
number of the Psalm you wish to hear.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62.
Enter his or her social security number, the press the pound (#) key,
enter their date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth,

where Noah's Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFO's,
please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood
from a "heavenly perspective".

To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically
transferred.  PLEASE be careful, your receiver may become warm.

Our computers show that you have already called once today. 
Please hang up and try tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday,
after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).

To order any religious material Enter catalog number, quantity, and
a major credit card number plus expiration date.

For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE.


On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially
the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for
the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or
might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog
healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog. 


  A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when 
he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall.
In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree
hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his 
situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet
from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd
plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!"
  But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.
  Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"
  A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
  "Who is it?"
  "It's the Lord"
  "Can you help me?"
  "Yes, I can help."
  "Help me!"
  "Let go."
  Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
  "Let go. I will catch you."
  "Uh... Is there anybody else up there


  God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work 
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. 
You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
  The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much.  
Please, give me no more than 20."
  And it was so.
  Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest
companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
  The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too 
much. Please, no more than 10 years."
  And it was so.
  God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall 
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot.You will be funny, and you
shall live for 20 years."
  The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
  And it was so.
  Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have 
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and 
live for 20 years."
  The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.  
Please, Lord; give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the 
dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
  And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 
30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. 
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his 
house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in 
his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to 
amuse his grandchildren.

  God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and
darkness of Earth."
  Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
  God: "Call it a day."

  "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything 
on me.  And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on 
Satan.'" - John Wing

 A grandmother who took her little grandson to the beach. 
 They were having a good time until a huge wave came in 
 and swept the boy out to sea. She fell down on her knees 
 and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson,
  -- that's all I ask!  PLEASE!!!"
  A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the
 ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet. 
 She checked him over to make sure that he was okay. He was 
 fine. But still she looked up to the heavens angrily and 
 said, "When we came he had a hat!"

  My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic
letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly
displayed for all to see.
  One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into 
the room with his arms outstretched.  In his hands were three magnetic
letters:  "G"-"O"-"D."
  "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.
  "That's wonderful!" I praised him.  "Now go put them on the fridge so 
Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is 
certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
  Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom?  How do you 
spell 'zilla?"

  There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around 
discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him 
that they didn't need him anymore. Finally, one of the scientists 
volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed...
  So the scientist says to God : "God, you know, a bunch of us have 
been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need 
you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and 
ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans.
So as you can see, we really don't need you."
  God nods understandingly and says: " I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go let's have a contest. What d'ya think?"
  The scientist says: "Sure I'm all for it. What kind of contest?"
  God: "A man-making contest."
  The scientist: "Sure! No problem"
  The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says,
"Okay, I'm ready!"
  And God says, "No, no. You go get your own dirt."

  "When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike.  But then I 
realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed 
for forgiveness."

  A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important
deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to
a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
  The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other
man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
  The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed: "And now, Lord,
that I have your undivided attention..."

  One day in heaven, the Lord decided he would visit the Earth and 
take a stroll. Walking down the road, the Lord encountered a man who
was crying.
  The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"
  The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord 
touched the man...he could see, and he was happy.
  As the Lord walked further, he met another man crying and asked, "Why 
are you crying, my son?" 
  The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord 
touched him, he was able to walk, and he was happy.
  Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and
asked,  "Why are you crying, my son?"
  The man said, "Lord, I work for the Government."
  The Lord sat down and cried with him.


  A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice.  The voice 
tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to 
  The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.
The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The
voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go
to Vegas."
  Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the
event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he
gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money,
go to Vegas."
  Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. 
Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure.  He does quit 
his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
  The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him,
"Go to Harrahs."
  So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrahs. As soon as he sets 
foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."  
  The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the 
voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."
  Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them
all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette
wheel. Around and around the ball caroms.  The man anxiously watches 
the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into 
   The voice says, "Fuck."

When God passed out brains,
I thought he said trains, 
and I missed mine.

When God passed out looks,
I thought He said books, 
and I didn't want any.

When God passed out ears,
I thought He said beers, 
and I asked for two long ones.

When God passed out legs,
I thought He said kegs, 
and I asked for two fat ones.

When God passed out noses,
I thought He said roses, 
and I asked for a big red one.

When God passed out heads,
I thought He said beds, 
and I asked for a big soft one.

When God passed out hips,
I thought He said lips, 
and I asked for two large round ones.

God am I a mess.

  Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, 
"Did God made you, Grandpa?"
  "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.  A few minutes 
later, the little girl asked him, "And did God make me too?"
  "Yes, He did," the older man answered.
  For the next few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying
her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror. 
  "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

  Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 
  "Well, mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines
on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got 
to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the
people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio 
headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge
and saved the Israelites." 
  "Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother
  "Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never 
believe it."

  A Republican pollster dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at 
the door, St. Peter greets him enthusiastically with "Good to see 
you, we've all been waiting for you, especially because we'd love 
to have some valid statistical data on all sorts of stuff up here!"
  So the pollster says "okay, get me a list of stuff you want me to
find out about, gather everybody together, and we can get this 
  St. Peter convenes a meeting of everyone in Heaven, gives the
newly arrived pollster a list of questions to get everyones'
opinions on, and the pollster starts in.
  "First question: do you believe that Jesus Christ and God are one
and the same? If so, raise your right hand!"
  Nobody raises their hand.
  "Okay, second question: do you believe that Jesus Christ has 
succumbed to temptation, even just once? If so, raise your right hand!"
  A very small number of people nervously look around, tentatively
raise their right hand, though some quickly lower them.
  "Third question: do you believe God is our Lord in Heaven and Jesus
Christ is his Son? If so, raise your right hand!"
  Everyone but God raises their right hand, which surprises the pollster.
  "God, I normally don't do this during a poll, but...I noticed that,
while everyone, including Jesus Christ, raised his right hand, you
did not!"
  God, "That's true, I did not."
  Pollster, "But aren't you our Lord in Heaven?"
  God, "Oh, yes, I am."
  Pollster, "And isn't Jesus Christ, who you yourself indicated, by
not raising your right hand, has never *once* succumbed to temptation,
your Son?"
  God, "Yes, he is."
  Pollster, "Then why, when I asked whether you were our Lord in Heaven
and Jesus Christ was your Son, did you not raise your right hand?"
  God, "Because my Son, Jesus Christ, is *sitting* on it!!"

  A little boy got up late one Sunday morning and had to hurry to get
dressed to go to church. Leaving the house and on the way to church he
kept repeating to himself, "Please, God, don't make me late, Please, 
God don't make me late."
  When he arrived at the church he rushed up the steps and fell, he 
made a huge sigh and looked up at heaven and said "Jesus Christ, you 
didn't have to push me."

  An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat 
was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast 
tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth 
to swallow both.
  As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! 
Help me!"
  At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the 
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds,
"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
  "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago
I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

  A teacher was drilling his young students on the Westminster
Confession of Faith.
  The first question in the catechism is "What is the chief end of man?"
  The answer being "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever."
  One youngster seemed quite sure of himself as he anxiously waved 
his hand for recognition.  When the teacher called his name he proudly 
blurted out "The chief end of man is to glorify God and annoy Him 
  He was possibly more right than we'd care to admit!

  A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each 
child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working 
diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
  The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
  The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
  Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl 
replied, "They will in a minute."

  A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather 
that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her 
daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, 
the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother
of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be 
frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared 
that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar
of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the
sky. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and drove along 
the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little
girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would
stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly,
each with the little girl stopping, looking at the streak of light 
and smiling. Finally, the mother called her over to the car and 
asked, "What are you doing?"
  The child answered, "God just keeps taking pictures of me."

Why God Never Received Tenure from Any University

1. He had only one major publication

2. It was in Hebrew

3. It had no references

4. It wasn't published in a referenced journal

5. Some doubt He wrote it Himself

6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since?

7. The scientific community can't replicate His results

8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects

9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning
   the subjects

10. He rarely came to class and just told students "Read the Book"

11. Some say He had His son teach the class

12. He expelled His first two students

13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop.

14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed

  As Denny was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only
was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot 
belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date,
and she all but laughed at him.  That does it, he decided.  I'm going to
start a whole new regimen.  He began attending aerobics classes.  He
started working out with weights.  He changed his diet.  And he got an
expensive hair transplant.  In six months, he was a different man.  
Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.
  There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever 
had.  He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of 
lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet.  As he lay there dying, 
he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now?
After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"
  From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry, I didn't recoginize you"

  In the beginning there was nothing, and God said, "Let there be light" 
and there was light.  There was still nothing, but now you could see it!

What's another reason God created the orgasm?
Because he couldn't wait for the second coming.

To You I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal opposition.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree."  Probably because it's 
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If God had wanted man to go around nude, He would have given him 
bigger hands.

  A man was praying to God, "God, does time mean anything to you?" 
  God replied, "No son, a minute to me is like a million years."  
  The man thought about this and asked, "God, does money mean anything 
to you?"
  God replied, "No son, one dollar is like a million dollars to me." 
  The man thought some more and asked "God, if money means nothing to 
you, will you give me a million dollars?"
  God replied, "Yes, I will give you a million dollars, just a minute."


  I have been supporting users in various contexts for over a year and 
a half now, and the heavens have finally opened up and the angels have
revealed their secrets unto me. Douglas Adams, in Life, the Universe 
and Everything wrote that God's last message to mankind was "Sorry for 
the inconvenience."  Adams was, quite clearly, full of shit. The angels 
never revealed their secrets unto him. Wither thou arth beworthy of 
Hiseth message verily, heed thine words I cometh to speak unto thee.  
O for tuna.  The truth is obviouth. I have glimpsed Heaven and gazed 
across the great populated wasteland of hell, where God's final words, 
in vastly huge landscape-scathing and sinner-scorching letters, taunts 
all who suffer to see.  God's final message emblazoned across eternity is:

                    Y O U   S H O U L D   H A V E
           R E A D   T H E   F U C K I N G   M A N U A L !

  A man called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble.  His business has
gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.  He's so desperate that 
he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to 
pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get 
some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the 
  Lotto night comes and somebody else wins.
  Jacob goes back to the synagogue..."God please let me win the lotto.
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!
  Back to the synagogue..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost
my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask for your help and I have always been a good servant to
you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can
get my life back in order?"
  Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and 
Jacob is confronted by the booming voice of God himself who admonishes 
him, "Damnit Jacob, meet me half way on this one, buy a ticket!"

  God is tired, worn out.  So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need 
a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"
  St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter?  
It's nice and warm there this time of the year."
  God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know 
how that hurts my back."
  "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"
  "No way!" God about screams.  "It's way too hot for me there!"
  "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going 
Down to Earth for your vacation?"
  Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I 
went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL 
talking about it!"

  The Lord gets up one day and decides it's time to make human
sexuality.  He calls his assistant and asks him to bring a large
bowl over to the ingredient workbench. He then begins the recipe.
In goes a healthy portion of lust, some friendship, understanding, 
and a little bit of loneliness.  Finally, he adds love and the 
mixture is ready for the final touches.  
  God tells his assistant, "Go into the back room and bring me five
of the most sensitive nerve endings we have."
  His aide's eyes open wide in astonishment and with obvious fear 
and respect stutters, "Ah, sir. You know that I never question 
anything you do. After all, you are the Lord. But are you sure that
human beings can handle that much sensitivity?  Remember, we only 
put two sensitive nerves in the fingers, and only three under the arms."
  The Lord looks down at his little helper and replies, "I know what 
I'm doing.  In fact, make it ten.  I think I'd like to hear my name 
said out loud once in a while."

The Gospel - According to "The Internet' 

  Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had
had an affair with a former worshipper.  The scandal was begun when a 
21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth
to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.  
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time",
that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and 
that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
  In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, 
saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of 
this story will come out in time, verily".
  Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with
the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions 
of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had 
illegally funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through 
three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men".
  Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumoured to
have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that
these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was
originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale 
flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
  In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded
to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims 
that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah in Iraq was to
divert attention away from a scandal involving possible impeachment and
whether the give-away of a parcel of public land in Promised Country to
a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political 
  If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter 
moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
  Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of 
a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress 
in a bill by Rep. Moses.
  Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for
the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning 
to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional 
restriction on free speech.

  Some important theological questions can best be answered by thinking 
of God as a computer programmer:

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. 
   On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left 

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he
   logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait  
   until tomorrow.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project.  Now we're in the
   maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he 
   actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God 
   thinks he's irritating but irrelevant.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common
   word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get 
   off his back and let him program.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive email.

Questionnaire from God

 Your God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. 
In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few 
moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely 
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address 
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Yahweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. 
Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Paul Iannone)
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? 
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to tee off parents
__ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Scatological material was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it.

5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before?  If so, which false god 
were you fooled by?  Please check all that apply.
__ Mick Jagger
__ Cthulhu
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Bill Gates
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ Elvis
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The Moon
__ A burning shrubbery
__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other:_____________________
__ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.  Which would you prefer?
(circle one)
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and 
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following:
(1-3 unsatisfactory, 5-3 excellent):

a. Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5  flood
1 2 3 4 5  famine 
1 2 3 4 5  earthquake 
1 2 3 4 5  war 
1 2 3 4 5  pestilence 
1 2 3 4 5  plague 
1 2 3 4 5  SPAM 
1 2 3 4 5  AOL 
b. Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5  rescues 
1 2 3 4 5  spontaneous remissions 
1 2 3 4 5  stars hovering over jerkwater towns 
1 2 3 4 5  crying statues 
1 2 3 4 5  water changing to wine 
1 2 3 4 5  walking on water 
1 2 3 4 5  VCRs that set their own clocks 
1 2 3 4 5  Saddam Hussein still alive 
1 2 3 4 5  getting any sex whatsoever 

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving 
the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one 
of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 1st you will 
be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances 
of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^9 , depending on 
number of beings entered).

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