A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious man prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!" Dear God So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm going to need a lot more help. AMEN God is amazing. Ancient man had no idea we'd need glasses... And yet, look where God put our ears for wearing them. Why did God create woman after man? Because He couldn't allow Earth to be more enjoyable than Heaven. Why did God create a man first? So he could have time to enjoy the Garden of Eden before a woman could come along to show him how to make things better. Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. Children's letters to God Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. What does it mean you are a jealous God? Don't you have everything? Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother and me. Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? Who draws the lines around the countries? Went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him in anyway. Your Friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am) Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they? If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Relax...If we weren't meant to keep starting over would GOD have granted us Monday?? "I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability." Oscar Wilde. "The most basic reason why God could not do it is because the concept of God requires humans to exist." "If God were a liberal, he would have given Moses the Ten Suggestions." "If only God would give me a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." Woody Allen. "In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light'. And there was still nothing. But, you could see it." "God must love stupid people... He made so MANY of them !" "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." Woody Allen. "If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." Ring ring... God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief? Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith. God: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a catholic Minister? Sinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a conformation, so it must have been a priest. God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services(c)? Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there. God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith? Sinner: Not that I can think of.. God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies (c)*(Microsoft) or Street Retoric (Internet). Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting? Sinner: Well I did listed to a bum on the street that said that God was asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of hell. God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox. Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system? God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible(TM) and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini (c). you can also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith. Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again? God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose, Lotus Devout(TM), Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and Netscape Hereafter Browser(TM). If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting sources, you should be fine. Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out allot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time. God: Go in Peace(TM) my son. Ring ring... God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief? Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish(TM)... The 7th day Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth group I'm putting next to them." A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there." A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?" "Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray." She on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?" "Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. However, his pride was quickly turned to humility... "Then which does God believe?" WHAT IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this... Thank you for calling The Lord's House. Please select from the following options: Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS Press 2 for THANKSGIVING Press 3 for COMPLAINTS Press 4 for HEALING Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS Press 6 for RAIN or No RAIN Press 7 for MIRACLES Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY "HI" Press 0 to hear this menu again What if God used the familiar excuse... "I'm sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millenium. Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer: If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11. For Michael, press 22. For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33. If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55. Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear. To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, the press the pound (#) key, enter their date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah's Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFO's, please wait until you arrive here, answers can only be understood from a "heavenly perspective". To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. PLEASE be careful, your receiver may become warm. Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time). To order any religious material Enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date. For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE. Creation... On the first day of creation, God created the dog. On the second day, God created man to serve the dog. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog. On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog. A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?" A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here." "Who is it?" "It's the Lord" "Can you help me?" "Yes, I can help." "Help me!" "Let go." Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!" "Let go. I will catch you." "Uh... Is there anybody else up there CREATION 101 God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot.You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth." Angel: "What are you going to do now?" God: "Call it a day." "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - John Wing A grandmother who took her little grandson to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea. She fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson, -- that's all I ask! PLEASE!!!" A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet. She checked him over to make sure that he was okay. He was fine. But still she looked up to the heavens angrily and said, "When we came he had a hat!" My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D." "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?" There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore. Finally, one of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed... So the scientist says to God : "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you." God nods understandingly and says: " I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What d'ya think?" The scientist says: "Sure I'm all for it. What kind of contest?" God: "A man-making contest." The scientist: "Sure! No problem" The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!" And God says, "No, no. You go get your own dirt." "When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike. But then I realised that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed: "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..." One day in heaven, the Lord decided he would visit the Earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, the Lord encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man...he could see, and he was happy. As the Lord walked further, he met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him, he was able to walk, and he was happy. Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said, "Lord, I work for the Government." The Lord sat down and cried with him. A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrahs." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrahs. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number...21. The voice says, "Fuck." When God passed out brains, I thought he said trains, and I missed mine. When God passed out looks, I thought He said books, and I didn't want any. When God passed out ears, I thought He said beers, and I asked for two long ones. When God passed out legs, I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones. When God passed out noses, I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one. When God passed out heads, I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big soft one. When God passed out hips, I thought He said lips, and I asked for two large round ones. God am I a mess. Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "And did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For the next few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately." Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites." "Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it." A Republican pollster dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the door, St. Peter greets him enthusiastically with "Good to see you, we've all been waiting for you, especially because we'd love to have some valid statistical data on all sorts of stuff up here!" So the pollster says "okay, get me a list of stuff you want me to find out about, gather everybody together, and we can get this underway". St. Peter convenes a meeting of everyone in Heaven, gives the newly arrived pollster a list of questions to get everyones' opinions on, and the pollster starts in. "First question: do you believe that Jesus Christ and God are one and the same? If so, raise your right hand!" Nobody raises their hand. "Okay, second question: do you believe that Jesus Christ has succumbed to temptation, even just once? If so, raise your right hand!" A very small number of people nervously look around, tentatively raise their right hand, though some quickly lower them. "Third question: do you believe God is our Lord in Heaven and Jesus Christ is his Son? If so, raise your right hand!" Everyone but God raises their right hand, which surprises the pollster. "God, I normally don't do this during a poll, but...I noticed that, while everyone, including Jesus Christ, raised his right hand, you did not!" God, "That's true, I did not." Pollster, "But aren't you our Lord in Heaven?" God, "Oh, yes, I am." Pollster, "And isn't Jesus Christ, who you yourself indicated, by not raising your right hand, has never *once* succumbed to temptation, your Son?" God, "Yes, he is." Pollster, "Then why, when I asked whether you were our Lord in Heaven and Jesus Christ was your Son, did you not raise your right hand?" God, "Because my Son, Jesus Christ, is *sitting* on it!!" A little boy got up late one Sunday morning and had to hurry to get dressed to go to church. Leaving the house and on the way to church he kept repeating to himself, "Please, God, don't make me late, Please, God don't make me late." When he arrived at the church he rushed up the steps and fell, he made a huge sigh and looked up at heaven and said "Jesus Christ, you didn't have to push me." An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" A teacher was drilling his young students on the Westminster Confession of Faith. The first question in the catechism is "What is the chief end of man?" The answer being "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever." One youngster seemed quite sure of himself as he anxiously waved his hand for recognition. When the teacher called his name he proudly blurted out "The chief end of man is to glorify God and annoy Him forever!" He was possibly more right than we'd care to admit! A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute." A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called her over to the car and asked, "What are you doing?" The child answered, "God just keeps taking pictures of me." Why God Never Received Tenure from Any University 1. He had only one major publication 2. It was in Hebrew 3. It had no references 4. It wasn't published in a referenced journal 5. Some doubt He wrote it Himself 6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since? 7. The scientific community can't replicate His results 8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects 9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects 10. He rarely came to class and just told students "Read the Book" 11. Some say He had His son teach the class 12. He expelled His first two students 13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop. 14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed As Denny was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted. There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?" From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry, I didn't recoginize you" In the beginning there was nothing, and God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. There was still nothing, but now you could see it! What's another reason God created the orgasm? Because he couldn't wait for the second coming. To You I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal opposition. As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree." Probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. If God had wanted man to go around nude, He would have given him bigger hands. A man was praying to God, "God, does time mean anything to you?" God replied, "No son, a minute to me is like a million years." The man thought about this and asked, "God, does money mean anything to you?" God replied, "No son, one dollar is like a million dollars to me." The man thought some more and asked "God, if money means nothing to you, will you give me a million dollars?" God replied, "Yes, I will give you a million dollars, just a minute." GOD'S FINAL MESSAGE I have been supporting users in various contexts for over a year and a half now, and the heavens have finally opened up and the angels have revealed their secrets unto me. Douglas Adams, in Life, the Universe and Everything wrote that God's last message to mankind was "Sorry for the inconvenience." Adams was, quite clearly, full of shit. The angels never revealed their secrets unto him. Wither thou arth beworthy of Hiseth message verily, heed thine words I cometh to speak unto thee. O for tuna. The truth is obviouth. I have glimpsed Heaven and gazed across the great populated wasteland of hell, where God's final words, in vastly huge landscape-scathing and sinner-scorching letters, taunts all who suffer to see. God's final message emblazoned across eternity is: Y O U S H O U L D H A V E R E A D T H E F U C K I N G M A N U A L ! A man called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins. Jacob goes back to the synagogue..."God please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck! Back to the synagogue..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask for your help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the booming voice of God himself who admonishes him, "Damnit Jacob, meet me half way on this one, buy a ticket!" God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!" The Lord gets up one day and decides it's time to make human sexuality. He calls his assistant and asks him to bring a large bowl over to the ingredient workbench. He then begins the recipe. In goes a healthy portion of lust, some friendship, understanding, and a little bit of loneliness. Finally, he adds love and the mixture is ready for the final touches. God tells his assistant, "Go into the back room and bring me five of the most sensitive nerve endings we have." His aide's eyes open wide in astonishment and with obvious fear and respect stutters, "Ah, sir. You know that I never question anything you do. After all, you are the Lord. But are you sure that human beings can handle that much sensitivity? Remember, we only put two sensitive nerves in the fingers, and only three under the arms." The Lord looks down at his little helper and replies, "I know what I'm doing. In fact, make it ten. I think I'd like to hear my name said out loud once in a while." The Gospel - According to "The Internet' Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumoured to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah in Iraq was to divert attention away from a scandal involving possible impeachment and whether the give-away of a parcel of public land in Promised Country to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. Some important theological questions can best be answered by thinking of God as a computer programmer: Q: Did God really create the world in seven days? A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him. Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait until tomorrow. Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended? A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we're in the maintenance phase. Q: Who is Satan? A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God thinks he's irritating but irrelevant. Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs. Q: How can I protect myself from evil? A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday. Q: If I pray to God, will he listen? A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program. Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true? A: They are much more likely to receive email. Questionnaire from God Your God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Paul Iannone) __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death __ Wanted to tee off parents __ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Scatological material was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it. 5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Mick Jagger __ Cthulhu __ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Bill Gates __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Ra __ Beelzebub __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ Elvis __ Cindy Crawford __ The Moon __ A burning shrubbery __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Human Sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (circle one) a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following: (1-3 unsatisfactory, 5-3 excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 AOL b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 1st you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^9 , depending on number of beings entered). |
|