The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an
older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes,
go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying 'No kiddin'?!? What happened next?'"
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to
feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return
it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep
it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence.
When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen
his Christmas turkey.
This girl kneels down in the confessional and says, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze
at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turns, takes a good look at the girl and says,
"My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin. It's simply a mistake."
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you
know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son
of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to
deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the
priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.
"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."
"Well, now, that's a little more serious."
"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car
garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more
serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."
"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the
blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said,
"I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me
go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."
Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and
everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would
see our clothes and know we were priests."
Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in
town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll
dress just like anyone else."
In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out
that night and partied like professionals. When they got back
home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of
something," he said. "We have to confess this."
Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this
all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the
confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess,
and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in
and confess, and I'll absolve you."
Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in
later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have
sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night
we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge
of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music."
Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall
I be. Do 5 'Our Father's' and 5 'Hail Mary's' and you will be
absolved of your sin."
A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and
confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and
Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call
yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail
Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church,
and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for
God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution,
but I make no guarantees."
"WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??"
Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but
I take my job seriously."
A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as
far as Cleveland when he realized he was getting terribly horny.
To satisfy his urge he looked up a house of ill repute and took
care of the problem.
Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to
confession. As penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's.
He went on driving and praying. By the time he'd finished
the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching San Francisco and...
terribly horny again. Once again, he looked up a house of ill
repute, and had an orgy. Again there was a severe guilt reaction,
so he went to confession. Upon hearing his confession, an old
Irish priest said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's".
The man exclaimed, "What? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000
Hail Mary's for the same thing!"
The old priest replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they
know about fucking in Cleveland?"
Two Irish lads had been out with shacking up with their girl friends.
One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.
He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have
sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."
The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."
The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant
him forgiveness unless he did. "Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you
find forgiveness."
"No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed
to confess, so went to his priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refuge in
my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his
parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit,
he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until
the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new
priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very
concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When
people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest
shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're
laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean 'almost'?"
The man says "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it
in. You're not to go near that woman again. now say five Hail Marys
and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then
starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and you
just told me that's the same as putting it in!!"
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl
named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way
to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in
show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a
Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always
attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized
her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was
an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said
she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father
Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits,
handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide
eyes, and one said to the other. "Will you just look at the
penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without
me bloomers on!"
The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession and was
considering the man's penitence.
"Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin?"
"Yes Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man. "I
hereby resolve to double my efforts."
"And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son ?" the Priest
went on.
"Yes Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall
both worship and confess every week."
"And how about your debts and those you have cheated?" inquired
the Priest.
"Now just a minute Father." said the man. "Now you're talking
business and not religion."
At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.
One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found
it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him
that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.
Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.
The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not
take any of the offering. So the priest said "get in the
confessional" which Joe did.
Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering again
and this time he said, "I can't hear you".
Again the priest asked, "Joe did you take any of the offering?"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you".
This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you".
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out
of the confessional and said, "Joe trade places with me and you can
ask me a question."
So they traded places and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife
are having an affair, is that true?"
To which the priest answered, "By Golly you can't hear in here".
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a
beloved old Irish priest.
At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he
had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game.
"I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin',"
the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across
the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.
"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other
team's players in the in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks
on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these
awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest
that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret
is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit.
"The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five
Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way
to the altar.
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church, sits down in the
confession box and says nothing. After a few minutes the priest
coughs to attract the man's attention, but still the man says
nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in an
attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate, there's no
paper in this one either".
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon
entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I
have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest
about confession. "I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't you
sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for
yourself? No one will ever know.
A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have
sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the
offering box."
Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the
offering box."
Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the next
confession?"
The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go ahead. It's
easy."
So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have
sinned."
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"
"I cheated on my husband."
"How many times?"
The woman said, "Twice."
Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5
dollars today.
There's a priest in confessional, and he's doing the regular thing.
A girl comes in and says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
The priest asks her what she has done, and she says, "I let my
boyfriend put his fingers in me."
The priest looked down the list (you know they have one!) and said,
"All right, that'll be two Hail Marys and an our father."
The girl leaves, and a little while later, another girl enters.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
He asks this girl what she's done, and she says, "I allowed my
boyfriend to perform oral sex on me."
The priest again looks down the list, sees female oral sex, and
read it off, "Three hail maries and two our fathers."
The girl then leaves. A little while later, the priest is getting
restless - he had some chili for lunch, and it's coming back to haunt
him. Finanlly, he goes out, grabs a janitor, and says, "Al, you gotta
man the booth for me, I'm about to shit my pants!"
The janitor looks dazes, and says, "I can't do that!"
The priest says, "Sure you can. Just ask 'em what they've done,
and read the punishment off the list."
The janitor reluctantly gets in the booth.
A few minutes later, a girl comes into the booth and says, "Forgive
me father, for I have sinned."
The janitor says, "Uh, whatcha do?"
The girl says, "I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."
The janitor looks down the list... Shit! He thinks to himself,
There's nothing here for blowjob. He runs out of the booth and looks
for someone who might know. He grabs a choirboy and asks, "Hey kid,
what does the priest usually give for a blowjob?"
The choirboy replied, "Usually a Snickers bar and a pat on the head."
A 92 year old man goes to confession. The moment he's settled in,
he blurts out, "Father, I had sex with a pair of nineteen year olds!"
The priest says, "Wait a minute. I don't recognize your voice.
Are you a member of this parish?"
The old man says, "No I'm not."
"But you are Roman Catholic, aren't you?"
"No I'm not."
"Well, why are you telling me about it?"
The old man says, "Hell, I'm telling everyone about it!"
Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed
lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and
confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to
the confession area and spoke to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful. "
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been
3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I
visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were
alone and I slept with her. "
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody
was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her,
nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father?..Father?"
suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father,
he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began
searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the
table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there's nobody around here except me."
Elmer goes into the confessional. He says to the priest, "Father,
a girl asked me yesterday if she could kiss me and I said no."
The priest says, "Very good, my son. You did right. You'll get your
reward in heaven."
The next week Elmer comes in and says, "Father, a girl asked me last
night if she could make love with me and I told her no."
The priest says, "Well, you did right, my son. You're going to get
your reward in heaven".
Elmer says, "Father, what's my reward going to be?"
The priest says, "A bale of hay, you horse's ass".
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