Church Bulletins

Church Bulletins

Church Bulletin Bloopers and Church Signs

  Irving Jones and Jesse Brown were married on Oct. 24.  
So ends a friendship that began in school days.

Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form,
enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

November 11th: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Women's Luncheon:  Each member bring a sandwich.
Polly Phillips will give the medication.

Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their
daughter October 12th thru 17th.

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the
grounds around the church building and the rector.

Hymn:  "I Love Thee My Ford."

Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on
the table in the foyer.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.

The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared.

As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

Fifth Sinday is Lent.

Thank you, dead friends.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even
to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.

Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess

We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 

Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a 
nursery downstairs. 

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth 
of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Belzer. 

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north 
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 

Tuesday at 4PM there be an ice cream social. All ladies giving 
milk will please come early. 

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will 
sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 

Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. 
All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in 
his private study. 

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward 
and lay an egg on the alter. 

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies 
will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. 

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost 
of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the new 
carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and 
they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. 
Music will follow. 

At the evening service tonight, The sermon topic will be "What is 
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir. 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. 
Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of 
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys 
sinning to join the choir. 

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing 
for the girth of their first child. 

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, 
green beans, bread and desert will be served for a nominal feel. 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign 
slogan last Sunday. "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours". 

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.  Come tonight and hear Bertha 
Belch all the way from Africa.

PRAYER & FASTING CONFERENCE:  "The cost for attending the Fasting 
and Prayer conference includes meals".

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in 
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving 
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid 
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget 
your husbands".

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'.  
Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone
come for a fun time.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who 
doesn't care much about you.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled 
due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water".  
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus".

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all 
the help they can get.

The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with thanks.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on 
people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation 
would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday morning.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. 
The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved. The financial
secretary gave a grief report.

We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning 
during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom 
All Blessings Flow."

This blooper showed up on the main page of the Internet web site 
for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada:  "In a show of near
anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the
Anglican Church of Canada."

Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are 
suffering during our prayer time.

Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers
will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will 
turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.

Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and 
briefs to bear.

(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the 
children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week:
"There will be no Moms who care this week."

This one said during the congregational prayer when leading prayer 
for our unsaved loved ones: Father, we just want to pray for our 
unloved saved ones.

Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves
hurting people.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without 
musical accomplishment.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be 
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Among needed items for Vacation Bible School:  wooden bowels.

"Wise Up, 0 Men of God'

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights.
She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the
Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service
we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All 
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.
is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use the back door. 

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir 
will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special 
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole 
evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of 
Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. 
Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" 
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett 
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD.  Dr.Hargreaves is better.


Signs Found Outside Churches:

You are not too bad to come in; You are not too good to stay out.

Come in and have your faith lifted.

Come in and let us prepare you for your finals.

A miser is a rich pauper.

Ask about our pray-as-you-go plan.

We hold sit-in demonstrations every Sunday.

No matter how much you nurse a grudge it won't get better.

Start living to beat hell.

If some people lived up to their ideals they would be stooping.

Everything you always wanted to know about heaven and hell but 
were afraid to ask.

Pray up in advance.

Patience is the ability to stand something as long as it happens 
to the other fellow.

(at an Arizona church in August) You think it's hot HERE?

What on earth are you doing for heaven's sake?

Will it take six strong pall-bearers to bring you back?

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

I was going to waste, but Jesus recycled me.

Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children.

It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

K-mart is not the only saving place.

Running low on faith?  Stop in for a fill-up.

Parking is for Church patrons only.  Violators will be baptized.

Message too big for sign.  Come inside!

No God -- No Peace.
Know God -- Know Peace

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins

Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big 
sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church 
reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at 
a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor
fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before 
you know how strong they are.

God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.

Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!

When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.

Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.

Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.

How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?

Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and
the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal
fire insurance soon.

This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?   ---------> (U R)

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

In the dark?  Follow the Son.

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

Church sign: Jesus Saves!
Safeway sign across the street: Safeway saves you more!

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding
stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline 
that reads: "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets." 

If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. 


"God Speaks" Billboards, all signed "God,"

"What part of 'Thou Shalt Not' didn't you understand?"

"Loved the wedding. Now, invite me to the marriage."

"Let's meet at my house Sunday, before the game."

"That 'Love Thy Neighbour' thing ... I meant it."

"Big bang theory? You've got to be kidding!"

"Don't make me come down there."

"We need to talk."

"Need directions?"

"C'mon over and bring the kids."

"Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer."

"Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage."

"That 'Love Thy Neighbor' thing...I meant it."

"I love you and you and you and you and..."

"Will the road you're on get you to my place?"

"Follow me."

"Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding."

"My way is the highway."

"You think it's hot here?"

"Have you read my #1 best seller?  There will be a test."

"Do you have any idea where you're going?"

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