While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign.
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.
"Caution: Do not step on exhaust.
What goes "Clippity-Clop, Clippity-Clop, Clippity-Clop,
Bang! Bang! Bang!"?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
What's an Amish woman's favourite sexual fantasy?
Two Mennonite.
Why don't the Amish water ski?
Because the horses would drown.
What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy
when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you
a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that
one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls.
I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your
husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her
encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?"
"I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake..."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers on them above the walls light up. They continued
to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls
opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Top Amish Spring Break Activities
Drink molasses 'til you heave
Wet bonnet contest
Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
Buttermilk keggar
Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale
Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
Sleep 'til 6 AM
Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite ass
Churn butter naked
Top Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.
In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard
ain't listening."
Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of
cottage cheese."
He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
PRESS RELEASE: 10 December 1997
LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA: The Research for Amish Technological
Systems (RATS) has announced today an exciting new breakthrough.
Having worked feverishly to attempt to break into the internet
without using electricity, RATS has developed the steam-powered CPU.
"We heard that there were people out there making fun of our ways,"
said Jebediah Holtzenmeiermann, CEO of RATS. "Now we can connect
to this internet thing and find out what they are saying about us."
The CPU, roughly the size of a barn, uses coal fire and steam to
power it. It is connected to a monitor, which is ingeniously powered
by thousands of candles, each lighting a single pixel on the six-foot
high by eight-foot wide screen.
Holtzenmeiermann was asked how they intended to connect to the
internet, since access requires a phone line. He cursed under his
breath and declined further comment.
Amish Computer Scandal Shocks Community.
BIRD-IN-HAND, PENNSYLVANIA: In a recent sting operation, the Amish
Bureau of Internal Affairs seized literally hundreds of dollars of
unauthorized electronic equipment from the backwoods tool shed of
Jeremiah and Ezekiel Holzmann. The brothers were in the process of
downloading email when the raid took place. Most of the computer
equipment taken was apparently purchased at Pagan Electronic swap
meets, using fake identification and false mustaches to hide their
Amishness.
The chief investigator said that they were aware of rumors that the
Holzmann brothers were secretly supplying information about the Amish
to outsiders, who were then using the information for an Amish web
page.
The incident shocked the people who knew the Holzmanns. "They were
such good people," said Anna Zimmerman, the next door neighbor. "They
are leaders in our little church even. But now this" Her husband,
Jake, mentioned that the Holzmanns always seemed to be carrying boxes
wrapped in brown paper from their wagon to the tool shed. "Whenever I
would ask them what they had in the box, they always told me that it
was spare parts for their butter churn. It breaks down a lot."
The equipment consisted mainly of older model computers, such as old
TRS-80s and MacIntosh computers. The brothers claimed that since they
were using obsolete technology, they should not be punished.
"These are not real computers," claimed Ezekiel Holzmann. "We never
even touched a 486, let alone a Pentium. We are using 9600 baud
modems, and we powered them by hooking up a generator to the butter
churn."
Their story collapsed when investigators uncovered an invoice proving
that they had ordered a Pentium Pro 233mHz from an undisclosed
computer company in South Dakota. When confronted with the invoice,
Jeremiah Holzmann fell to his knees, crying for forgiveness.
"I told Ezekiel that it would escalate. It started with a desire to
get an electric alarm clock so we could get up on time to milk the
cows, but then we found a C64 at a barn sale. Soon, we kept wanting
more and more equipment, until finally we were reduced to this!"
They were sentenced to three years in an Amish Re-education Clinic,
where Jeremiah plans to write a book about his shameful addiction to
technology. When he mentioned the possibility of an interactive CD-ROM
of the book, he was then sentenced to six years.
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