What did Abel say to Adam and Eve??
It kills me how you're raising Caine.
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said,
"Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where
would man be today if it were not for woman?"
From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden
of Eden, eating strawberries."
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have
a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,
cheat, and be vain and glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining,
I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your
advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our
little secret...You know, woman to woman."
None of this is true! God was very tired when he created Eve otherwise
he would have created the same perfection that Adam represents.
Just ask any man!
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the
garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate
and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf
when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or
haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage
on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be
able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he
left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when
God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain
struck out Abel and the prodigal son came in last.
How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
They were definitely put out.
What is one of the first things Adam and Eve did after they were
kicked out?
They raised a little Cain.
What did God say after creating Adam?
I must be able to do better than that!
What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice make perfect."
Adam to Eve: "I'll wear the plants in this family!"
What did Adam say to Eve?
You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
AMEN
Seems that the Bible got creation all wrong ... it was actually Eve
that God created first. After three weeks in the garden, God came to
visit.
"How's it going, Eve?" he asked. "It is all so beautiful God - the
sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the grandeur ...
just so wonderful, but I have these three breasts of mine. The middle
one pushes out the other two and I am constantly catching them on
branches and it is basically a nuisance!" reported Eve.
God replied, "Well, that's a good point, but hey, it was my first
shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just
figured half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right
away!"
So God reached down and ripped that middle breast right out of
there and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, how is my favourite creation?" he asked. "Just fantastic!"
she replied. "But for one small oversight on your part. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, and the cow has her
bull, all the animals have a mate except for me, and I feel very alone
here."
"Oh my! You're so right! How could I have overlooked this! You do
Need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!
"Now, let's see...Where did I leave that useless tit?"
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have
a problem!"
What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy
snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a
man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly.
All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger & faster
and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and
kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not
altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick.
But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so
God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said, "I was going to give you a companion and it would be a
woman. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will
always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache,
and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.
Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost me??"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib???"
And now you know...the rest of the story.
One day the Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good
news and some bad news" said the Lord.
Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, the Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is
called the brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new
things and have intelligent coversations with Eve. The other organ I have
for you is a called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your own
intelligent new lifeform and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy
that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed "these are great gifts you have given me.
What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "the bad news is
that when I created you I only gave you enough blood to operate one of
these organs at a time."
It has been said that Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. That was
because he didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married;
and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked!"
Months pass after God created Eve for Adam. During one of his morning
strolls, God joins him. God asks Adam, "How is your woman?"
Adam replies back, "God, she's wonderful....except..."
God looks puzzled and replies, "Except what??"
Adam says, "Why did you make her so stupid and ignorant?"
God replies back to Adam, "So she would love you."
Well Adam and Eve had just consumated their relationship for the first
time and Adam was sitting against a tree smoking a cigerette. About this
time God comes through the bushes and sees Adam's smug smile. Now God's
being all knowing says "Adam, I see you and Eve have experienced the
pleasures of the flesh as I had planned. Very good indeed. By the way,
where is Eve?"
Adam replies, "Lord, she's down at the river washing up."
God rushes toward the river screaming, "Now I'll never get that smell
out of those fish!"
One day (after being thrust out of the garden), Adam and Abel are
walking past the Garden of Eden.
Abel: "So, Dad, you and Mom used to live in there, huh?"
Adam: "Yes, son, it was lovely."
Abel: "Why did you leave?"
Adam: "Your mother ate us out of house and home."
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit
Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he
had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy
thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple
tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd
love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should
do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd
be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals,
I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me
who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that
if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort
of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam
were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and
Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are certainly
Russian."
Why God Created Animals
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday.
Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for
me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as
you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a
good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be
with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named
all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new
animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to
be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my
own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam
was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens
like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who
will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will
remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always
worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey
Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was
not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.
Bill Cosby
The First Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?", Adam and Eve asked, jumping
up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after
making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was
very angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why DID you do it?", God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their
own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a
reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried
to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard
on yourself. If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you
think it should be a piece of cake for you?
There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and
immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their
files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you
in, you have to answer a question."
So he asked the first nun, "What was the name of the first man that God
created?"
"Adam," she replied. The lights started flashing, music started playing,
the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun
her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.
Then St.Peter asked the second nun, "What was the name of the first
woman that God created?"
"Eve," the nun said. The lights started and two angels came out and gave
the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.
Then St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve
said to Adam?"
The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied,
"Gee, that's a hard one." The lights started flashing, the music started
playing...
I'll betcha didn't know that the car was first mentioned in the bible.
In Genesis to be exact.
I quoteth, "And God in HIS FURY, drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden
of Eden"
I know somewhere else in the New Testament it says something about the
disciples leaving in their own ACCORD, but I'm not sure where.
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said,
"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth,
so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand
and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, Now, I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind
the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that
was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "Now, I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve
behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
"The nerve endings, said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals", inquired
St. Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
"Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra
pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman", said The Lord.
"Yes, O Great Lord", said St. Peter.
"No, wait.", said The Lord. "give her ten thousand, I want her to
scream out my name!..."
Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with
the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING
ANOTHER WOMAN"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth", and
went to sleep.
Later that night Adam woke up. filling a tickle in his chest and saw it
was Eve.
"What the heck are you doing?", he asked.
"I'm counting your ribs", she responded.
A doctor is talking to his car mechanic, "Do you realize that your
hourly rate is over twice what we get paid for medical care?"
"Yeah, but think of it this way, doc. You only have two models that
haven't changed since Adam and Eve. But every month we need to learn
the latest systems!"
Adam and Eve
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
It was anniversary time, a zillion years since heaven had been placed
in the sky. To celebrate, Saint Peter wanted to have a big party, with
the honored guests being Adam and Eve. Unfortunately, because of the
heavy traffic over the eons, Saint Peter had lost track of Adam and Eve.
One angel volunteered to find them. He returned in two minutes with
Eden's former residents.
Saint Peter asked, "How did you find them?"
The angel said, "I looked for a couple without bellybuttons!"
Three nuns died in a bad accident. Each one was to answer a question
correctly in order to be admitted through the gates directly, else they
would have to search pergatory for the back door to Heaven.
The first nun said, "St. Peter, please ask me my question."
Peter replies with, "What was the first assignment God gave to Adam?"
The first nun said, "To name all the animals."
The buzzer buzzes, the bells ring, and the pearly gates open, and the
first nun walks right in.
The gates close behind her and St. Peter turns to the second nun.
The second nun said, "St. Peter, please ask me my question."
St. Peter responded with "What was the most important assignment God
gave to Adam and Eve?"
The second nun mulled this over in her mind a bit, and finally she
said, "To stay away from the Tree of Life."
The buzzer buzzes, the bells ring, and the pearly gates open, and the
second nun walks right in. The gates close behind her and St. Peter turns
to the third nun.
The third nun decided to resort to full begging in an attempt to get an
easy question. "St. Peter, most benevolent keeper of the Gates of Heaven,
answering only to God Himself, please ask me your kind question."
Of course, this didn't work with St. Peter.
He replied to her with, "What was the first thing Adam said to Eve when
they were sent from the Garden of Edan?"
This panicked the poor nun. She wracked her brains and could think of
nothing.
"May I use my bible?" she asked.
"Yes, of course" said St. Peter.
The third nun flipped through the pages over and over and over again,
each time getting more and more frustrated. Finally, realizing she had
taken way too long to answer the question, she says to her self under
her breath "Oh, shit."
Then the buzzer buzzes, the bells ring...
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten
class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was
created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though
he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think
I'm going to have a wife."
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was facinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw
was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think
it's Adam's suit!"
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