You Might Be a Redneck If...

You Might Be a Redneck If...



You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a 
different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and 
nobody noticed.

You can get dog hair from your belly button.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

  your wife has a spit cup on the ironing board.

  you wake up with red man in your hair.

  you think a good time is a bug zapper and a six pack.

  your wife has ever come out of the bathroom and said "ya'll come 
look at this 'for I flush it.

  your house has wheels and you car doesn't.

  directions to your house say "turn off the paved road.

  everyday someone comes to your house thinking you are having a
yard sale.

  the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

  you have ever been on national TV 3 or more times describing
what the tornado sounded like.

  people ask to hunt in your front yard.

  your wife weighs more than your pickup truck.

  you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

  the most common phrase heard in your house is "Some one go
jiggle the handle".

  you've been divorced and re-married 3 times and you still have
the same in-laws.

  you have a house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.

  you sell the wheels off your house to buy a keg of beer.

  remodeling your bathroom means digging a new hole in the
backyard.

  your new recliner has more features than your new car.

  your wife's dress is strapless and her bra isn't.

  you have more than one major appliance on your front porch.

  you refer to the fifth grade as "My Senior Year!"

  you've ever taken a beer to a job interview.

  you smoked during your wedding.

  your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

  your high school annual is now a mug book for the police
department.

  your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
telling the cop to kiss her ass.

  your truck has curtains, but your house doesn't.

  your Christmas tree has beef jerky ornaments.

  your senior prom had a day care center!

  blowing a tire means a new flower pot for the front yard.

  you need a power generator to run you KC lights on your truck.

  you would rather walk the excess length off your jeans rather
than hem them.

  Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

  your two year old has more teeth than you do.

  you get a passport to visit another state.

  your school mascot is an armadillo.

  your wedding song was "99 bottles of beer".

  you've ever eaten road-kill.

  your pickup truck is prettier than your wife.

  you think your beer belly is "sexy".

  you spend almost as much on lottery tickets as on cigarettes.   

  you've ever responded to how are you with fair to middlen.

  your land houses more than two mobile homes.

  you keep a can of Crisco in the bedroom.

  you own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.

  your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

  the primary color of your car is bondo.

  you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

  you stand under the mistletoe waiting for Granny or Cousin 
Sue Ellen to walk by.

  your idea of foreplay is slipping off her saddle.

  you can't marry your sweetheart because there are laws 
against it.

  the ASPCA raids your kitchen.

  you refer to wife and mother-in-law as dual airbags!

  you think the nutcracker is something you did off the high dive!

  your favorite TV shows were the Dukes of Hazard and Hee-Haw.

  you've ever used a weed eater in the house.

  your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

  you've ever cooked Spam on the grill.

  You have more than two brothers named Bubba     .

  you have to carry a bucket of paint to the top of a water tower
to defend your sisters honor!

  you don't know the words to the national anthem but can sing all
the words to the Beverly Hill-billies and Gilligans Island by heart.

  Sheets are not just for yur bed.

  When yall see the moon you hetch up yur pants.

  Yall say yur a Christian but have kids by four women and 
alimony to none.

  Yall hate Rush Limbaugh because he expects white people to work 
as hard as everyone else.

  Yall like Rush Limbaugh because he wants to rid the US of 
illegal furriners.

  at least one meal per week at your house consists of meat
from a can.

  your philosophy on road kill is, "why waste good meat."

  you rescheduled your wedding because it conflicted with
the first day of hunting season.

  you think the gene pool is something made by Levi Strauss.

  all your "kin" live within "shotgun distance" of each other.

  you have ever witnessed an alien spaceship and been
interviewed about it on TV.

  your main source of income involves aluminum cans, bottles,
and the side of the road.

  you have ever given/received auto parts as a Christmas gift.

  You are a redneck if you park your car between your refrigerator 
and your washing machine...

  You have indoor-outdoor carpetting in your living room...

  you get cited for operating a used-car lot in your front yard.

  You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

  You see a family reunion as a great place to meet girls.

  You can distinguish between the taste of 'possum and groundhog,
blindfolded.

  You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.

  You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.

  You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time

  You have a Jack Daniel's poster in your living room.

  You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna

  You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.

  You have more appliances in your backyard than in your house

  You have to wash your hands Before you go to the bathroom.

  You know your daddy's CB handle, but not his real name.

  You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.

  You own a monogrammed minnow bucket.

  You own a Waffle House credit card.

  You rip a loud one and blame your date.

  You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.

  You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen,
start your engines!".

  You thought Ned Beatty was sexy in "Deliverance".

  You've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.

  You trim your beard and find a French fry.

  You use a piece of bread as a napkin.

  You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.

  You wear tube socks with a dress.

  Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat".

  Your car alarm eats dog food.

  Your car burns more oil than gas.

  Your cigarette lighter is your stove.

  Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.

  Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

  Your horse can count higher than you.

  Your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard.

  Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.

  Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.

  Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.

  Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

  Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.

  Your veterinarian is also a taxidermist.

  Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

  You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.

  You owe a taxidermist more than your annual income.

  You have the local taxidermist's telephone number on your 
speed dialer.

  You've shot a deer from within your house.

  You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

  You view duct tape as a long-term investment.

  Your Brother-inlaw is also your uncle

  Your Aunt is also your sister.

  Your mother is also your cousin.

  You grow corn in your front yard.

  Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

  You've ever been fired from a construction job due to 
your appearance.

  You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

  You think heaven looks alot like Daytona Beach.

  You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

  You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned.

  You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
 
 You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they 
don't want it.

  Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.

  The Orkin man tells you "Give up you've lost".

  Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

  You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

  You bought a VCR to record Wrestling while you are at work.

  Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

  You have every hit a jukebox with a cue stick.

  You've ever stolen a bulldozer.

  You fully execute the "Pull my finger" trick.

  All of your four-letter words are two syllables.

  You cut your toenails in front of company.

  You've ever been too drunk to fish.

  You think women are turned on by Animal sounds.

  You think women are turned on by Tongue gestures.

  You have a stuffed 'possum mounted in your home.

  A man lights your cigarette and you show him your bra.

  The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

  The crack in your windshield is as long as your arm.

  You have to dress the kids up to go to KMART.

  You have a hefty bag for a passenger-Side window.

  You've ever yelled "ROCK THE HOUSE BUBBA" during a piano recital.

  Thanksgiving was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.

  Your mother gets in fist fights at high school sports events.

  Your watch band is wider then any book you have ever read.

  You have to Push start your car.

  You have to crank your car at every light.

  You have ever hit anyone in a V.D. Clinic.

  Less than half the cars you own run.

  You grow a beard because it looks good on your sister.

  Your mounted deer head sports a ball cap and sunglasses.

  You have Coors on tap in your bathroom.

  Your Pocketknife doubles as a tooth pick.

  You own a denim leisure suit.

  Your bicycle has a gun rack.

  You think Potted meat on a Saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.

  You've ever spray painted your lady's name on an overpass.

  You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.

  You know how many bales of hay your car can hold.

  You go to stock car race and don't need a program.

  You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a "bigot"

  You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.

  You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.

  Hail hits your house so you take it in for an estimate

  Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

  If you voted for Jack Daniels, for president in 1992.

  You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and its spelled wrong.

  Your family tree does not branch out.

  Everyone can tell what kind of underwear you are wearing.

  You have a rag for a gas cap.

  You had a toothpick in your mouth during your wedding pictures.

  You think God looks alot like Hank Williams, Jr.

  Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

  Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

  You ever hear sheep bleat and you have romantic thoughts.

  What ever side of the tracks you live on its still the wrong side.

  You can spit with out opening your mouth.

  You consider OUTDOOR LIFE deep reading.

  You call your boss dude.

  You think Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

  You believe Ted Nugent Rules.

  You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

  You grease under your toenails.

  You think your License plate is customized because you made it.

  You've ever driven a Camero into the top of a tree.

  You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

  You think Beef Jerky is the only major food group.

  You are allowed to bring the dog to work.

  You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

  You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.

  You get an estimate before you get your hair cut.

  You wear knee-High stockings with a skirt.

  Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriends tattoo.

  Your satellite dish payments delays buying back-to-school 
clothes for the kids.

  You've ever had Sex in a satellite dish.

  If your sisters child looks just like you.

  Every outlet in your home breaks the fire code.

  You used a street sign to sight a rifle.

  You secretly get firewood from your neighbor's yard.

  You swapped a set of tires for your wife's wedding ring.

  You have ever given away rat traps as a gift?

  You have ever hitchhiked naked?

  You thing the traffic sign "MERGE" is a personal challenge.

  You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

  You think a subdivision is a math problem.

  Birds are attracted to your beard.

  Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive-in theater?

  You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen?

  You think the stock market has a fence around it?

  Your grandmother been asked to leave a bingo game because of 
her language?

  Your mother ever been involved in a "cuss fight" with the 
school principal?

  You have ever attended a dance at a bus station?

  You have ever been arrested for loitering?

  You have ever bought a used cap?

  You have ever cut grass and found a car?

  People are scared to touch your bathrobe.

  People hear your car for a long time before they see it.

  You have ever been kicked out of the zoo?

  Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit on his lap.

  The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice.

  You have ever financed a tattoo?

  You have ever raked leaves in your kitchen?

  You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

  You clean your fingernails with a stick.

  You fainted when you saw Slim Whitman.

  You give your dad a large bottle of antacid for his birthday.

  You have ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow?

  One of the tail-light covers on your car is made of tape.

  You have ever stolen toilet paper?

  You have ever used a laundromat as a mailing address?

  You have ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame?

  In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite.

  Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

  The dog catcher calls for a back-up unit when visiting your house.

  The flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.

  The highlight of your party is when you remove your false teeth.

  The hood and one door is a different color than the rest of your car.

  There are empty McDonald's bags on the floor of your car.

  There is a wasp nest in your living room.

  Your Christmas tree is still up in February?

  Any of your children were conceived in a car wash?

  When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick."

  You always answer your door with a baseball bat in your hand.

  You and your dog use the same tree at the end of the street.

  You burn your front lawn rather than mow it?

  You hammer bottle caps into your front door frame to make 
it look nice.

  You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.

  Your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.

  Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes 
and a flashlight.

  You can take your bra off while driving.

  You have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.

  You can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells".

  You give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.

  You have to mow your driveway.

  You have used your fishing license as a form of I.D.

  You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

  You know someone who is a rodeo clown.

  You list a parole officer as a reference.

  You own a flannel suit.

  You own a homemade fur coat?

  You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as 
"the day my ship came in."

  You watch "Little House on the Prairie" for home decorating tips.

  You watch cartoons long after your kids are bored.

  You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.

  You're considered an expert on worm beds.

  You're turned on by a woman that can dress a deer.

  You've been involved in a custody fight over a dog.

  You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a 
"Freak of Nature."

  You've never paid for a haircut.

  Your baby's first words are "attention K-mart shoppers."

  Your back porch is bigger than your house.

  Your best shoes have steel toes.

  Your boat hasn't left the driveway in 15 years?

  Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

  Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

  Your favorite t-shirt is considered offensive.

  Your job or your wife's job requires an orange vest?

  Your kids take a siphon hose to "show and tell."

  Your masseuse uses lard.

  Your most recent business improvement was to repaint your 
"garage sale" sign.

  Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas wish list.

  Your school song was "dueling banjos."

  Your screen door has no screen.

  Your stomach is bigger than any shirt you own.

  Your wife as ever said, "Come move this transmission so 
I can take a bath."

  Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

  Bikers back down from your mama opening a beer bottle.

  After removing the empty beer cans from your car you find you 
get 15 more miles to the gallon.

  You paint your house with house paint.

  You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.

  You come back from the dump with more than you took.

  Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.

  Your talent in the local beauty pageant was making noises 
with your armpit.

  The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

  You actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute 
for toilet paper.

  Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has a 
opening on the lube rack.

  The neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.

  You've ever vacationed in a rest area.

  You broke your hand while they were reaching for the last 
piece of chicken.

  You hold a frog and it worries you about getting warts.

  You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

  You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.

  You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree 
at the corner.

  Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

  More than one living relative is named after a southern Civil 
War general.

  Your home has more miles on it than your car.

  There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

  You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em 
in the shade.

  Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy 
size bottle of ketchup.

  The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as 
the front ones.

  The diploma hanging in your den contains the words 
"Trucking Institute".

  You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention 
of all-time.

  You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

  You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at 
the House of Tattoos.

  You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

  You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
South will rise again.

  You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

  You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

  You consider a three piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt, and thermal underwear.

  You own at least 20 baseball hats.

  You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a 
baseball hat.

  You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

  Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The 
one that hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

  Your "huntin' dawg" cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

  Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

  You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

  You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

  There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

  You think that John Deere green, Ford blue, and primer gray are 
the primary colors.

  The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

  When a sign that says "Say No To Crack" reminds you to pull up 
your jeans.

  Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in 
your home town.

  Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank 
of gas in the truck.

  You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

  You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

  Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

  Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take
the wheels off.

  The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

  You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the 
Bandit was snubbed for best motion picture.

  You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at
Graceland.

  You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace.

  You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.

  You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you
beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.

  You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed
to"Free Bird."

  You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.

  You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.

  You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.

  You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.

  You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup
trucks than cars.

  Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."

  You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."

  Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

  You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly
Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."

  Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.

  Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy 
Griffith Show."

  You might be a redneck if... An expired license plate means 
another decoration for your living room wall. 

  Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the 
Kennedy Center.

  Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. 

  You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change
so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.

  "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the 
parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you
and your wife/girl make love.

  "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies 
Night" at the local bar.

  After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit 
road signs with empty beer bottles.

  Before the November election a polster asked you, "What do 
you think of the issues?"  And you replied,  "Well, I liked 
'em all, but Miss May had the best bazooms."

  You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife
stay up with a sick kid

  You think if given the chance, YOU'D be able to pick off 
that damn Energizer Bunny.

  Your idea of a real sport is the tractor pull. 

  Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to
the restroom was flooded.

  A family feud arises sunday morning between family members
who want to watch Jimmy Swaggart and those who want to watch WWF.

  Your secret chick pick-up spot is hanging around the 36-D
cup rack at Victoria's Secret in the mall. 

  Your sister's education goal is to get out of highschool
before she gets pregnant.

  Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if
they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

  You have to honk the horn to get the chickens out of the
driveway when you come home.

  You have to curl the sides of your hat so your wife can 
ride in the truck with you.

  When Sears eliminated their catalog you were forced to 
start buying toilet paper

  You have scavenged car parts off of other cars parked by 
the side of the road (abandoned or not).

  You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb 
stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece 
of fried chicken.

  You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck 
and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

  You can't tell the difference between the trash pile and 
the good parts pile in your yard.

  You can't remember the last time you shaved.  You can't 
remember the last time your wife shaved, either.

  The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is 
"What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

  Any family discussion of chicken and dumplings turns to 
Aunt Edna's cooking and ends with a few moments of 
respectful silence.

  Someone asks to see your marriage license, and you have 
to dig through the floorboard of your GTO.

  You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference 
between squirrel and rabbit stew.

  You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of 
bridge clearance restrictions.

  Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off
the rack when you slammed the door.

  When you go christmas shopping for your mom, sister and  
girlfriend, you only need to buy two gifts.

  You think re-booting your machine refers to kicking the 
truck tires the second time it won't start.

  You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton 
singing "I Will Always Love You".

  Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had 
to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

  A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the
drive thru window at hardee's.

  You have started a petition to change the National Anthem 
to "Georgia on My Mind".

  The Health Inspector visits your mothers restaurant and 
asks to see the body fluid clean up kit and she points 
at the dog.

  The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas it has in it.

  The first words out of your mouth every time you see
friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!"or "How Y'all Doin?"  (If 
they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)

  The only tailored items in your wardrobe are your bowling 
ball and your bedsheet

  The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway
Twitty record collection 

  When you leave your house, you are followed by federal 
agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms
and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose
them or not.

  If driver's education classes are only on Mondays, 
Wednesdays, and Fridays because on Tuesday and Thursday 
the sex-ed class has it.

  Someone asks, "where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, 
"she's at home with the kids."

  A man asks your wife to dance and she takes off her clothes 
and dances on the table.

  After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

  All the back pockets in your pants have circular holes.

  Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.

  Anything outside the lower 48 is "overseas."

  Bikers tell your wife to watch her language.

  Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without 
any rips in it.

  During your senior year you and your mother had 
homeroom together.

  During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your 
John Deere hat fell off.

  Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

  For you, "taking a dip" has absolutely nothing to do 
with water.

  Going to get a shine means coming back with a jug.

  Grandma taught you the proper way to flip your cigarette butt.

  Have had lovemaking interrupted by a cow sticking it's head 
in the car window.

  In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".

  It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

  Just before impact you are heard someone saying "Hey
y'all watch this"..

  On sunday's people stop by to ask if you're having a yard
sale and you're not.

  On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the 
keys to the tractor.

  On your honeymoon you let Greyhound do the driving.

  On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as 
possible".

  One or more gears in your car don't work.

  People accuse you of lying through your tooth.

  Stealing road signs is a family outing.

  Stealing signs is a family pastime.

  Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

  The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll 
wear to the 4-H Fair.

  The clock in your kitchen reads the time backwards.

  The cockroaches left you a note saying, "clean this place up!"

  The family business needs a lookout.

  The highlight at your last family reunion was your sister
dancing nude.

  The house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the
last fly dies.

  The only work your dad did was supervised by a man 
holding a shotgun.

  The pigs try to keep up wind of you.

  The plastic flamingoes in your yard weren't put there
as a joke.

  The NRA won't even set foot in your yard.

  The Roto Rooter man visits your house and asks, "What's
that smell?"

  There are two or more unfilled warrants for your arrest.

  There have been multiple attempts to repossess various 
appliances.

  There have been two or more failed repossession attempts
on your car.

  There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack 
hanging in your truck.

  There's more than 20 pending lawsuits against your dog.

  Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

  When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

  Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...
on her house.

  You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight 
with Alan Jackson.

  You always answer "What have you been up to lately?" with
"Partying!"

  You and your wife have matching His & Hers tobacco pouches.

  You are known for your homemade squash wine.

  You buy a case or more of oil a month.

  You buy oil by the case because you have to.

  You can belch and say your name at the same time.

  You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.

  You can relate the time and date of every bullet hole in
your pickup.

  You cash your checks at the local liquor store.

  You celebrate groundhog day ('cause you believe in it!!)

  You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

  You driver's license has been revoked more than once for DUI.

  You ever drove a truck into the creek just to see if 
it would float.

  You ever made change in the offering plate.

  You ever named a child after a dog.

  You fondly call your son, "A notch off the timing mark."

  You get mud on your tires when you visit your mom.

  You go to a bowling alley that has valet parking.

  You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

  You grow Vidalia onions rather than considering them a 
gourmet item.

  You have a "Brahma Bull" sticker or horse hood ornament.

  You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

  You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

  You have more tattoos than teeth.

  You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

  Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

  You need a ladder to climb into your four wheel drive.

  You painted racing flames on the John Deere. 

  You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest
contest".

  You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome".

  You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

  You routinely buy beer for less than $2 a six-pack.

  You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.

  You sincerely believe mud wrestling should be a sanctioned
Olympic sport.

  You think "No Nonsense Panty Hose" means they're crotchless.

  You think "Old Yeller" is about your wife's remaining tooth.

  You think safe sex means doing it with your spouse.

  You think that "toilet water" is actually toilet water.

  You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

  You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.

  You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just
"Misunderstood".

  You use a Purina Bag as a Windsock..

  You use an abandoned car as a guest house.

  You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

  You were ever fired from McDonald's for having a short 
attention span.

  You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.

  You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can
in the car.

  You wouldn't be caught dead driving a "Grumman Yankee"..

  You wrote in Richard Petty's name on a presidential ballot.

  You'd rather catch bass than get some.

  You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when
it gets light.

  You're afraid to wash your car because it may stop running.

  You've ever had to bum chewing tobacco from your wife.

  You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

  You've painted a car with house paint.

  Your best pick up line is written on your ball cap.

  Your car has been towed more than twice as an abandoned vehicle.

  Your cross-country flight plan uses Flea Markets as check points..

  Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

  Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

  Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

  Your grandma knows how to apply the "sleeper hold."

  Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway
to take a leak.

  Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

  Your idea of dressing up is putting on your other hat.

  Your truck can pass over a Toyota without touching it.

  Your truck stalled on the expressway.  And you never went 
back for it.

  On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

  You ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.

  The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

  Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the
Governor to spare a loved one.



You might be a "high tech" Redneck if...

1.Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."

2.You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."

3.If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer 
  is a laptop."

4.Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith 
  and Wesson."

5.You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing 
  a cellular phone.

6.Your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT."

7.Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

8.Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and 
  you still don't miss her.

9.You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.

10.You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

11.Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, 
   tractor, or farm animal.

12.You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all."






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