Kennedy Family Jokes

Kennedy Family Jokes



Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are made of fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And last but not least,
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.



   JFK and Bobby walk into a bar and the bartender says, 
"What'll it be?"
   JFK says, "Give us a couple of shooters."


 
How many Kennedys does it take to rape a woman?
Two, one to do it, and one to swear it never happened.



Hear the new Kennedy campaign slogan?
"A blonde in every pond."



What's the difference between Amy Fischer and Teddy Kennedy?
Teddy killed his Mary Jo.



What's the difference between Jeffry Dahmer and Ted Kennedy?
Dahmer kills his partners, then has sex with them.



Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger?
They're trying to make a bulletproof Kennedy.



Just think how plugged up the courts would be with all those rape
and drunk driving cases if all the Kennedys were still alive.



What do they call road kill in Dallas?
"Mr. President."



Clarence Thomas is alleged to have said:
Being called unethical by Ted Kennedy is like being called slimy 
by a snail. 



What's the difference between Ted Kennedy and the Iraqi Army?
The Iraqi Army never killed anyone. 



What is Ted Kennedy's favorite pick-up line?
"Let's go back to my place & I'll show you my Fillie Buster." 



Why did God create booze?
So Ted Kennedy would never be president.



What was Ted Kennedy's wedding present to his new wife?
A life preserver.



What did Bobby Kennedy get when Jack broke up with Marilyn Monroe?
Sloppy seconds.



How did Jackie Kennedy learn about politics?
By picking her husband's brain.



They finally figured out what dented the hull of the Queen 
 Elizabeth II last month...
It was one of Ted Kennedy's old submerged cars.



Why do the Catholics have female priests now?
So Ted Kennedy will start going back to church.



What did the citizens of Dallas tell Kennedy?
"Hit the road, Jack!"



Did you know Jackie Onassis is joining a new group?
The Dead Kennedys.



Did you know that Michael Jordan and Lee Harvey Oswald are going
 to make a commercial for McDonald's?
"Out the window, over the grassy knoll, through the governer,
nothing but neck."



  It appears that William Kennedy Smith is facing assault charges 
stemming from a barroom brawl.  If the case makes it to court, 
Smith's defense plans to claim that the plaintiff consented to 
being beaten; as proof they will show that the man was wearing 
boxer shorts at the time "of the alleged assault.



Define: gentlemanly.
The way the Kennedys treat a woman before they rape her. 



What did Teddy Kennedy say when asked if he would consider
 running for President?
He said he'd have to drive off that bridge when he got to it.



Where does Teddy Kennedy go for vacation?
A different bar.



What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
An optimist...
Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front
 of him as half empty?
Teddy Kennedy



Why does Teddy Kennedy keep all those empty liquor bottles 
 around the campaign office?
In case any non-drinkers drop by.



What does the Teddy Kennedy office staff do when they
 need to refill the petty cash drawer?
Turn in all of Teddy's empties.



What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assasination?
A1: Now John has brains on the outside of his pants too.
A2: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!



What was Gary Hart's biggest mistake?
Not letting Teddy Kennedy drive Donna Rice home.



  A reporter asked Clinton if meeting the Pope was as exciting for
him as his much bally-hooyed meeting with JFK. Clinton replied
"Well when I met the Pope it was only his ring I had to kiss to
stay in his good favor..."



Why does his staff call Teddy Kennedy "Mr. Bookmark"?
He can most often be found wedged between two pages.



What was the last thing on JFK's mind?
Jackie's dress.



Why didn't Carolyn Kennedy want to be seen Saturday morning?
She felt like she was retaining water.



Why were the editors of George dismayed by the crash?
They'd lost half of their subscribers



Why has NASA put so many telescopes into orbit?
To keep an eye on the Kennedys.



Wanted: girlfriends for scions of internationally-famous, 
politically  active, Irish-American family based in Massachusetts.
Candidates must be highly attractive, tolerant of heavy media 
exposure, and sexually permissive.  Based on experience with past
applicants, SWIMMING ABILTY IS REQUIRED.  Call 1-800-KENNEDY for 
more information.



The universe has a twisted sense of humor. The only Kennedy that's
able to survive, despite all his own efforts to the contrary, is Ted.



Upon hearing of of John Kennedy Jr.'s plane accident, Presidential 
hopeful Dan Quayle suggested that if Kennedy indeed died, New York 
should name an airport after him.



  If you don't think that the JFK Jr. story is important, 
answer me this:
  When was the last time the news led off with the deaths of a 
publicist, an investment banker, and a lawyer, and you actually 
felt sad about it?


 

  There has already been a lot of speculation as to what may have 
caused JFK, Jr.'s plane to crash. Some have even suggested that he
may have run into a bird. Others have questioned how many and what
type of bird would be enough to bring down an airplane under these
circumstances.
  I myself subscribe to the single pullet theory...



  It was announced today that they finally found JFK Jr's body in
the waters off Martha's Vineyard after being lost at sea for four
days. The Kennedy family announced that JFK Jr. will be buried at 
sea. It's part of the new catch and release program...



  If I remember my schoolboy German lessons correctly ein Berliner
is some sort of biscuit/cake (cookie for our American friends)
What I believe he should have said was Ich Bin Berliner.
A Berliner is a type of jelly doughnut (short for Pfannkuchen 
Berliner). The ein makes his statement meant that he is that 
doughnut.  Without the 'ein', it makes sense as Kennedy wished 
it to.



What did JFK jr. say to Ted Kennedy before departing for Martha's Vineyard?
"You feed the dog and I'll feed the fish"



  rd.  Others have questioned how many and what type of bird
would be enough to bring down an airplane under these circumstances.
I myself subscribe to the single pullet theory...
I'm sure the gull able press will let us know in tern.
And if I tell you it was Lee Harvey Ostrich?
I'm sure it was Jack Ruby-throated Hummingbird.
It was Sir-hen Sir-hen again!
I suggest we Cessna desist with the JFK puns...



  Well, maybe they'll stop calling him a man-licker, now.  The CIA
supports a theory of fowl play, though one of their investigators 
was heard to exclaim, "I can't believe it's not flutter!"
  Actually, 95% of all light-plane "crashes" have the same cause, 
but, being a Kennedy, he thought they said, "Don't run out of ass."



Did you hear about the new Marilyn Monroe stamp?
When you lick it, you feel like one of the Kennedy's



One-fifth of the people are against everything all the time.
(Robert Kennedy)



I should like to love my country and still love justice.
(Robert Kennedy)


Some men see things as they are and ask, "Why !" I dream of
things that could be and ask, "Why Not ?"
(Robert Kennedy)



Why didn't JFK, Jr. take a shower before he left for the Vineyard?
He said he'd wash up on shore!



How are the Kennedy's like oil?
They don't mix well with water.



What will it take to bring the Kennedy family back together?
one more mishap!

 

What is the difference between JFK Jr. & Ted Kennedy?
Ted can swim.



Why aren't there more JFK Jr. jokes out there?
They haven't surfaced yet!



What will they name the movie about JFK, Jr.?
Three funerals and a wedding.



What's the Kennedy's flying motto?
Your luggage will arrive before you do!



What do Kennedies miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
The runway.



What will it take to bring the first family back together?
One more bullet!



Why did John John plunge his plane into the sea?
He thought he'd left his gym shorts in Davey Jones Locker.



What was JFK Jr's final thrill?
Going down on Gay Head.



Why was JFK, Jr. flying to the Vineyard?
He wanted to crash his cousin's wedding.



What do you call JFK, Jr's piloting.
A fly by night operation.



"Picking up the Pace" Department:
Used to be that Kennedies drowned their women one at a time!



Why are they having trouble finding JFK Jr's plane?
Because his flight actions constitute wreckless behavior.



We hear JFK, Jr. has changed his name to "Bob"



That JFK Jr. was a plane down to earth kinda guy.



  I understand that JFK Jr. was about to be named the offical 
spokesman for a beverage company?
I guess Ocean Spray will have to look elsewhere now.



What is JFK Jr. going to be for Halloween?
Bug food.



What were JFK, Jr.'s last words?
"Listen, honey, I am only letting you fly the plane for a little
while, ok?"



How did JFK Jr. learn how to fly a plane?
Crash course



What was the last thing through JFK Jr.'s mind before the crash?
The prop.



Why is it a tragedy that JFK Jr. died?
Because he didn't have Uncle Ted with him.



What did the coroner discover when they pulled him from the water?
He had crabs.



What were Caroline Kennedy's last words?
Hey, I wonder what THIS lever does?



Did JFK Jr. really crash the plane...
Or did he and the others drown after his uncle Ted swam for help?



What were Lauren Bessette's final thoughts before they crashed?
Why can't John stop looking at my chest and start looking where he's going?



JFK Jr.'s plane crashed into the ocean.
What better way for the Kennedys to celebrate the 30th anniversary 
of Chappaquiddick.



What did St. Peter first say to JFK Jr.?
Just because your name was on an airport doesn't mean you could fly!




JFK Jr Parody of The Devil Went Down to Georgia

John Jr. went under water
(to be sung to the tune of 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia'
- copywrited by The Charlie Daniels Band)

John junior went under water,
he didn't quite know how to steer.
He was flying blind
Nobody seemed to mind
He was joking and drinking a beer.

When he tried to skim cross the water,
like you try to do when you skipping a rock,
an air pocket dumped
him over, perhaps spelling
the end of Camelot.

I guess he didn't know it
but Uncle Teddy'd been there too
when Chappaquiddic went down,
he mortified a town,
but never got his due.

Now that piper's a pretty good plane, m'boy,
above the Lear, its true,
but even a plane made of gold
can't save the soul
of a single one of you.

Then god said 'Aren't you Johny's
little bratty kid?'
Well you best start prayin,
cuz there's alot to be sayin
if St. Peter's gonna let you in.

When the Navy seals first saw his face
go floating past his toe
That bile tasted like potato chips
as the chunks began to blow.

So the media began to wrap
they'd milked the story dry
the island of Martha let out its breath
and wiped the mud from its eye.



When the morticians finish, Teddy's bound
to say something real dumb,
so lets sit down in our chairs
and wait to hear from the drunken bum!


Another Kennedy is gone
Now John John's in the compound with his dad and mom,
Stinkin up the graveyard, fuselage door
squashing his skull, like a Halloween gourde.



Bill Clinton bowed his head
because he still ain't getting meat.
so he laid a dozen roses
at a dozen interns' feet.

Willie said, "JFK Jr,
what a tragedy this is"
Then he grabbed his wife and slapped the bitch,
cuz he's the fuckin president.


Another Kennedy is gone.
Now John John's in the compound with his dad and mom,
Stinkin up the graveyard, fuselage door
squashing his skull, like a Halloween gourde.




 Twelve days of kennedy

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
A lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee

On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
The Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
       :
       :
       :
       :
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
12 space invaders
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 Postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporate interests
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee





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