Speech Jokes

Speech Jokes

Written by Bill Garvin (From MAD #139, December 1970)

My fellow citizens, it is an honor and a pleasure to be here today.  My
opponent has openly admitted he feels an affinity toward your city, but
I happen to like this area.  It might be a salubrious place to him, but
to me it is one of the nation's most delightful garden spots.

When I embarked upon this political campaign, I hoped that it could be
conducted on a high level and that my opponent would be willing to stick
to the issues.  Unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable instead -
to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of outright lies
in his speeches, and even to make repeated veracious statements about

At first I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities. 
Now I will do so no longer.  If my opponent wants a fight, he's going to
get one!

It might be instructive to start with his background.  My friends, have
you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what was
underneath?  Well, exploring my opponent's background is dissimilar. 
All the slime and filth and corruption you can possibly imagine, even in
your wildest dreams, are glaringly nonexistent in this man's life.  And
even in his childhood!

Let us take a very quick look at that childhood:  It is a known fact
that, on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain
playground.  It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to
masticate in their presence, but even urged him to do so.  Most
explicable of all, this man who poses as a paragon of virtue exacerbated
his own sister when they were both teenagers!

I ask you, my fellow Americans: is this the kind of person we want in
public office to set an example for our youth?

Of course, it's not surprising that he should have such a typically
pristine background - no, not when you consider the other members of his

His female relatives put on a constant pose of purity and innocence, and
claim they are inscrutable, yet every one of them has taken part in
hortatory activities.

The men in the family are likewise completely amenable to moral

My opponent's uncle was a flagrant heterosexual.

His sister, who has always been obsessed by sects, once worked as a
proselyte outside a church.

His father was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters of a
pecuniary nature.

His youngest brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being a
homo sapien.

His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease.

His nephew subscribes to a phonographic magazine.

His wife was a thespian before their marriage and even performed the act
in front of paying customers.

And his own mother had to resign from a women's organization in her
later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian.

Now what shall we say about the man himself?

I can tell you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis of
political radicalism, economic irresponsibility and personal depravity. 
His own record proves that he has frequently discountenanced
treasonable, un-American philosophies and has perpetrated many overt
acts as well.

He perambulated his infant on the street.

He practiced nepotism with his uncle and first cousin.

He attempted to interest a 13-year-old girl in philately.

He participated in a seance at a private residence where, among other
odd goings-on, there was incense.

He has declared himself in favor of more homogeneity on college

He has advocated social intercourse in mixed company - and has taken
part in such gatherings himself.

He has been deliberately averse to crime in our city streets.

He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develop more catholic

Last summer he committed a piscatorial act on a boat that was flying the
U.S. flag.

Finally, at a time when we must be on our guard against all foreign
isms, he has coolly announced his belief in altruism - and his fervent
hope that some day this entire nation will be altruistic!

I beg you, my friends, to oppose this man whose life and work and ideas
are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of life.  A
vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold

The facts are clear; the record speaks for itself.  Do your duty.

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