Newt Gingrich Jokes

Newt Gingrich Jokes

The Gingrinch That Stole Congress
(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)
by Mike Corso, CNI Telecom

Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
Except for the Gingrinch, who simply did NOT!
He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!

The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.
He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,
He hated the people who'd tax millionaires!
He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,
Like equal protection for gays and nonwhites.

He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"
And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"
And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
But he hated the people on welfare much more;
He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR!

He hated the way they had no jobs at all,
This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL!
They also lacked training and day care. So what?
The Gingrinch announced he'd come up with a plot:
"Get off of Welfare! Get off today!
Or we will take all of your children AWAY!"

Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:
It could be because he had a small weenie.
It could be because he had Donahue hair,
Or maybe because not much lurked under there.
But probably what most explained the man's life
Was the fact he abandoned his children and wife.

Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead
Sickened with cancer, in a hospital bed.
He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)
And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce!"
He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal
And got down to work on his alimony deal.
And while she was whimp'ring he said, "By the way,
I'm leaving for somebody younger--hooray!"

The Gingrinch's heart shrank two sizes that night.
And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.
Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
>From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."
Tax-slashers! That's what those "Normal" folks love!
He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov!

He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
A doberman pinscher who once killed a vet.
George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
Boy!" said the Gingrinch, "We're gonna whip tush!"

They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad "bums,"
Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
They flew to a basketball game late at night
And shooed the kids out, to the dealers' delight.

They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car!"
Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
What joy! What yuks! What great TV!

The next day the Gingrinch sat high above view
And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.

He waited and waited and waited some more;
He waited to hear them cry "Newt! Take the floor!"
He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etcet,
He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.

The people weren't happy, not happy at all!
They ringed 'round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad!
We want all those costly old programs we had!
Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!"

And the Gingrinch sat simply quite stunned at the sight
Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.

They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
They wanted full coverage for medical fees,
They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
They wanted it all--they just didn't want to pay!

And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.
The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
"Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo!"
They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.

The Gingrinch and Clintons now shared the same plight
Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.
"Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.
But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
We'll work as a team, yes! That's my advice!
We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!"
The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge...

And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.

                "Twas the Newt Before Christmas"
                       By Dean Bakopoulus

 'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House
 Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.
 The Secret Service men were guarding the premises with care,
 for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

 Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed
 after locking out Mr. Kennedy and the dirty thoughts in his head.
 And Bill in his sportcoat;  a heavy grey tweed,
 had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

 When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
 all drunken and rowdy:  'twas Gingrich and the boys!
 Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
 "It's a raid boys!"  he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!"

 The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow
 gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.
 When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear,
 but a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer,

 with a big old leader, all lively and fat;
 He knew it was Newt, "Proponent of GATT!"
 As vicious as vipers, the Republicans came,
 and Bill recognized them and called them by name.

 "Hey Helms!  Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch!
 Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!"
 A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
 "Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!"

 Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer,
 "Screw Health Care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!"
 When from the chimney, came a blinding black cloud of soot,
 and Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.

 He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand
 and when all was silent, he did a keg stand.
 And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer,
 and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.

 As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
 the rest of the crooks outlined their Hidden Agenda of Doom:
 "We'll pray in schools, we'll shove it down their throats!"
 "More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!"

 And they drank, hugged and danced, they crossed party lines,
 and they cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!"
 So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap
 and took turns sitting on the president's lap.

 And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,
 and awoke in the morning without their pants on.
 And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear,
 while Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.

 Then the party-goers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
 President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.
 Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
 "A Merry Clinton to all, and to all a good NEWT!"

By Rick Namey 

Every wonk down in DC
liked Congress a lot.
But the GinGrinch from Georgia,
most certainly, did not.

"I hate big Government!
"And this whole liberal scene!"
The GinGrinch would bellow.
And he sounded real mean.

But while the GinGrinch derided
the government at large,
he wanted the Congress,
to put him in charge.

An election was coming
throughout the land.
The voters were angry
and they needed a plan.

So the GinGrinch decided
in a bold master stroke,
to make some big promises.
to get some big votes!

"Please vote Republican!'
he said with a grin.
"Look what we'll do,
if you'll just put us in."

"We'll rebuild the army.
"We'll crack down on crime!
"We'll build some more prisons.
"It won't cost a dime!"

"We'll balance the budget,
"in the first hundred days.
"We'll lower your taxes.
"You'll each get a raise!"

"My plan is a wise one.
"It can't be denied.
"It's all in my contract
"in your TV Guide!"

Then the old GinGrinch
said with a snarl,
"We'll get rid of welfare
"For once and for all."

"When we win this election
"with a conservative rout,
"we'll tell welfare mothers
"it's three tykes, you're out!"

And so the election
came one fall night.
The Republicans won it,
as he thought they might.

The GinGrinch was happy!
"Even Foley is gone!
"First I kicked out Jim Wright,
"Then, I got rid of Tom!"

"And now. I'm in power!"
The GinGrinch did shout.
"I'll turn on Whitewater,
and wash Clinton out!"

But the GinGrinch's contract
had one little flaw.
just one little problem
that no one foresaw.

That "Contract With America"
had promised a bill,
to limit the terms of those
fools on the hill.

"This contract's not fair!"
The old GinGrinch bemoaned.
"I just got this job,
now it's time to go home!"

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