Government Jokes

Government Jokes


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Diapers and government need to be changed frequently for much the
same reason.


  Many folks have asked me, 'Pundit, what's wrong with our 
government?' Well, many things really but since you don't want to 
read 300-400 pages I'll summarize it here for you. Governments are 
ruling bodies appointed to govern the laws of the land via general 
elections. (at least in democracies) The Government is run by 
Politicians.  
  Ah yes, there is the root of the problem you say. We could stop 
right there but lets look a little deeper because that in itself is 
no where near humourous enough to qualify for the joke of the day. 
The word 'Politician' is derived from the word 'Politics'.  Let's 
break down the word 'Politics' to find its true meaning. 
'Poli' comes from the Greek word 'Poly' which means 'many'. 
'Tics' is another way of spelling 'Ticks' which generally means 
'Blood Sucking Parasitic Insects'. Put the two together and you 
get PolyTicks (Politics) or 'Many Blood Sucking  Parasitic Insects' 
Now you know what is wrong with our Government.
Congratulations...you have just passed Pundit's School of Political 
Science... won't your Mamma be proud!



What's the biggest difference between death and taxes?
Death doesn't get worse every time Parliament convenes.


How can you tell if someone is perfect for Politics?
They've got the gift of grab.


What is the difference between a baseball player and a politician? 
A baseball player has to get to first base BEFORE he can steal. 



Little Red Riding Hood
A Politically Correct Fairy Tale
by Jim Garner

  There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived
with her mother on the edge of a large woods. One day her mother 
asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to 
her grandmother's house -- not because this was woman's work, 
mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender 
a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not 
sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was 
fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
  So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through
the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was 
a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red 
Riding Hood, however, was confident in her own budding sexuality 
that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
  On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by 
a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some
healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of 
taking care of herself as a mature adult."
  The Wolf said, "You now, my dear, it isn't safe for a little
girl to walk through these woods alone."
  Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in
the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional 
status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused 
you to develop your own, entirely valid world view. Now, if you'll 
excuse, me I must be on my way."
  Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his 
status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to
linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route 
to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an 
entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. 
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was 
masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and 
crawled into bed.
  Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have 
brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in 
your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."
  From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so
that I might see you."
  Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically
challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
  "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
  "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of
course, and certainly attractive in its own way."
  "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
  "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
  The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and
leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, 
intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of 
alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, 
but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
  Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or
log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he 
burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. 
But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both 
stopped.
  "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
  The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no 
words came to him.
  "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to
do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How 
dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own 
problems without a man's help!"
  When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out
of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut 
his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and 
the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided 
to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and 
cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever 
after.
 


  An elderly gentleman wanted to go into town for voting day. As 
his car was in the shop, he had to hitchhike the five miles into 
town. Sticking out his thumb, he was picked up by a young man.
  "Where ya goin', Gramps?" the man asked cheerfully.
  "I'm going in town to vote."
  "Great! How're ya votin'?"
  "I'm voting Democrat," the elder answered.
  The young man immediately pulled over to the curb, and kicked 
out the man. Sticking out his thumb, he was picked up by an older 
fellow like himself.
  "Going into town to vote, are you? Which way are you voting?"
  "Well, I'm voting Democrat..."
  Once again, he was driven to the curb and kicked out.
  He stuck out his thumb again and this time was picked up by a
voluptuous woman in a sports car. She was delighted to hear that 
he was going into town to vote. She asked him his political choice.
  "Well, I'm going to vote... Republican. Yeah, Republican!"
  "Wonderful!" she said, "I'm glad to hear that!"
  As they drove, he couldn't help but notice that her skirt was 
riding up her leg, exposing her various charms. He stared for a 
while, then burst into laughter.
  "What's so funny?" the woman asked?
  "Well, I've only been a Republican for five minutes and already 
I feel like screwing someone!!"



The Politician's Credo

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas.
Tax his notes, Tax his cash
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.



Politics Made Simple
                      
Do you have trouble understanding politics?  If so, the following 
primer should clear it up for you. No bull.

 FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
 
 PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and
 puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take
 care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
 
 BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes
 them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are
 cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
 chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The
 government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the
 regulations say you should need.
 
 FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you
 to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
 
 PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take
 care of them, and you all share the milk.
 
 RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them 
 but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk 
 as you can and sell it on the black market.

 PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but 
 the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can 
 and sell it on the "free" market.

 CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and 
 shoots you. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both 
 and shoots you.
 
 SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines
 you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
 
 MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and
 drafts you.
 
 PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who
 gets the milk.
 
 REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
 someone to tell you who gets the milk.
 
 AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows
 if you vote for it. After the election, the president is
 impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the
 affair "Cowgate".
 
 BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps'
 brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
 
 BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government
 regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them.
 Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both,
 shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
 Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the
 missing cows..
 
 ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
 price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
 
 CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows.  The bank will not lend 
 you money to buy cows because you don't have any  cows to put 
 up as collateral.
 
 HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them
 to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit
 opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a
 debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get
 all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. 
 The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian
 intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the
 majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows'
 milk back to the listed company.  The annual report says that
 the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. 
 Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
 
 ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you
 from milking or killing them.
 
 FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal
 calf.
 
 TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them
 and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
 
 COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man.
 You got to have some of this milk.
 
 SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you
 to take harmonica lessons.
 
 LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the
 constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas
 about government.  The cow runs for office, and while most
 people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except
 the other cow votes for her because they think it would be
 "throwing their vote away."

 NAZISM: The government shoots you and takes the cows.

 NEW DEALISM: The government shoots one cow, milks the other,
 and pours the milk down the sink.

 ANARCHISM: Keep the cows.  Steal another one. Shoot the government.

 CONSERVATISM: Freeze the milk.  Embalm the cows.

 LIBERALISM: Give away one cow.  Get the government to give you a 
 new cow.  Now give them both away.

 DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and 
 drafts you.



  Like a lot of County Councils, ours here in Howard County is 
filled with rivalries. At one meeting, the old time Republican 
(Charlie) and the liberal Democrat (Vernon) couldn't agree on 
anything at all.
  The County Executive suggested a cooling off period and a 
working dinner. Once cocktails were served, Charlie lifted 
his glass and said, "Vernon, here's wishing to you what you're 
wishing for me.
  Vernon stood up, knocking his chair over in the progress, 
and shouted, "See everybody, he's starting in again already!"



Canadian Politician: A guy who shakes your hand before an
 election, and your confidence afterwards.


What is the difference between Republicans and Fascists?
Not all Fascists are Republicans.


What is the definition of a stupid idiot?
A poor Republican.


What do you call an enviornmentally minded Republican?
A liar.



A Modern Noah's Ark

  And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going 
to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and 
all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good 
people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet.
I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord.
  And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications 
for an Ark.
  "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the 
blueprints.
  "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd
better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very 
long time."
  And six months passed.
  The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord 
saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there 
was no Ark.
  "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
  "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But 
there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit 
for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet 
Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then 
I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a 
fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was 
violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I 
had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then 
I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because 
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I 
had to convince U.S. Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood 
to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.
So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. 
Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
  "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an 
animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each 
kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I 
couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact 
statement on your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to the 
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme 
Being.The the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed
new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
  "Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the 
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians 
I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming 
I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I 
just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.
  "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another
five years," Noah wailed.
  The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky.
  Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy
the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
  "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe 
has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with 
something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."
  "What's that?" asked Noah.
  There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his Last Word,
"Government."



SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school.  Can I 
     ask you a question?"
DAD: "Sure Son, what's the question?"
SON: "What is politics?"
DAD: "Well, let's take our home for an example.  I am the wage 
     earner, so lets call me "Capitalism".  Your mother is the 
     administrator of the money so we'll call her "Government".
     We take care of you and your needs, so lets call you "the 
     people".  We'll call the maid "the working class" and your 
     baby brother "the future".  Do you understand, Son?"
SON: "I'm not really sure, Dad.  I'll have to think about it."
  That night, awakened by his baby brother crying, the boy went 
to see what was wrong.  Discovering that the baby had seriously 
soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found 
his mother sound asleep.  He then went to the maid's room and 
saw his father in bed with the maid.  The boy's knocking went 
totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned 
to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported 
to his father.
SON: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."
DAD: "Good, Son.  Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
SON: "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class and 
     the Government is sound asleep, the People are being 
     completely ignored and the Future is full of shit!"



What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and Parliament?
There's only one dirt bag in a vacuum!


Death and taxes go hand in hand.  
Taxes are murder and murder is taxing.


  Christopher Columbus was the best politician in history. He 
started out not knowing where he was going, and when he got 
there, he didn't know where he was. He returned not knowing 
where he had been, and did it all on a big cash advance, and 
he got a repeat order. 


How do you know when it is time to set your clock back?
The current Supreme Court goes back into session. 


Definition: Moral Majority, 
a group that follows the straight and narrow-minded way.


The Lincoln Bedroom is now also known as
Motel Four-Score-and-Seven.
Of course, the current president's ambition was
to three-score-and-nine in the White House.


No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature 
is in session.


What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and local government?
The Boy Scouts have adult leadership.


What do you call a liberal who's been mugged?
A conservative!


Why does Uncle Sam wear red-white-and-blue suspenders?
Federal belt control regulations.


Why won't there be a female president this year?
We already have enough boobs in the White House.


How can you spot Republicans at a Chinese restaurant?
They're the ones that aren't sharing.



  From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20 years ago as printed 
in Ann Landers, Sunday, April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):
  Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of
  Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of
  church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the
  U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.
  The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing
  the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.



NEED HELP VOTING?

We've put together an easy voting guide to help you vote in 
future elections.

ISSUE           | DEMOCRATS             | REPUBLICANS
----------------------------------------------------------------
criminals       | Give them a second    | Give them the swift
                | chance                | sword of death
----------------------------------------------------------------
the poor        | Give them some food   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
----------------------------------------------------------------
endangered      | give them protection  | Give them the swift
species         |                       | sword of death
----------------------------------------------------------------
dictators       | give them a way out   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
----------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured   | Give them universal   | Given them the swift
                | health care           | sword of death
----------------------------------------------------------------
the cost        | $9,000,000,000,       | $29.95
                |    000,000,000        | (cost of one sword)
               ___________________________




PUT THINGS IN PROSPECTIVE
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.



  Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the 
path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
  "Give me your money," he demanded.
  Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this- 
I'm a U.S. Congressman!"
  "In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"



Richard Bond, Chairman of the Republican National Convention, 
on "Face the Nation", said this of Ross Perot:
 "He's had four positions on taxes in the last 30 days:
 1) Let's cut 'em,
 2) let's study 'em,
 3) let's raise 'em,  and
 4) I never said that."
 Which of course puts him two postions ahead of George Bush.
 But, Bill Clinton, knows at least 34 positions.
So thats: missionary...
  "Make that 35 positions"



Why is the Republican party like like the wizard of oz?
Buchanan needs a heart, Bush needs courage, and Quayle needs a brain.


What do George Bush, David Duke and Sigorny Weaver have in common?
None of them like aliens.


How many beaurocrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, one to screw it in and one to screw it up.


Politics make strange bedsores


Ecology Watch:
  The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has nominated the 5-inch 
bog turtle to the endangered species list. "Approval is expected 
to move very slowly, but steadily, through Congress." 
(Jerry Perisho)



  Did you hear about the Gal that called the cops to report 
there was a Liberal playing with himself on her front lawn? 
  The cop asked, How do you know it's a Liberal?
  The Gal replied, If it was a Conservative he would be 
screwing someone!



  Concerned about his son's future, a man decided to test the   
youngster. He would put the lad in a room with only a Bible, 
an apple, and a five dollar gold piece. If the boy sat down 
and read the Bible, a career in the ministry would be indicated. 
The boy would become a farmer if he ate the apple. A banking 
career would be suggested if the boy toyed with the money.  
The boy was brought in. Sitting on the Bible, he chewed on 
the apple. After mulling it over, he put the coin in his pocket.
  The man smiled. His son would be a politician!



The cheapest way to have your family tree traced 
        is to run for a public office.



The Democrat's Psalm for Today

The government is my shepherd 
Therefore I need not work.
It alloweth me to lie down on a good job.
It leadeth me in the path of still factories;
It destroyeth my initiative.
It leadeth me in the path of the parasite
For politics' sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of laziness
  and deficit spending
I will fear no evil,
For the government is with me.
It prepareth an economic utopia for me
By appropriating the earnings of my grandchildren.
It fillith my head with false security.
My inefficiency runneth over.
Surely the government shall care for me all the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in a fool's paradise forever.



 Many years ago the following letter was sent to the Secretary
of Agriculture:

Dear Mr. Secretary:
  My friend Bordereaux received a $1,000 check from the government
for not raising hogs, and so I am going into the not-raising-hogs
business.
  What I want to know is, what is the best kind of land not to
raise hogs on and what is the best kind of hogs not to raise?   
I would prefer not to raise razorback, but if this is not the 
best kind not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise Durocs 
or Poland Chinas.
  The hardest part of this business is going to be keeping an
individual record on each of the hogs I do not raise.
  My friend Bordereaux has been raising hogs for more than 20
years and the most he ever made was $400 in 1918, until this 
year when he received $1,000 for not raising hogs.
  Now, if I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, I will get 
$2,000 for not raising 100 hogs, etc.
  I plan to start off on a small scale, holding myself down to 
not raising 4,000 hogs for which I will, of course, receive 
$80,000.
  Now these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of
corn.  I understand you pay farmers for not raising corn.  Will 
you pay me for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn, which I will 
not feed to the hogs which I am not raising?
  I want to get started as soon as possible, as this looks like 
a good time of year for not raising hogs.

                     Yours very truly,
                     October Brussard



Considering government decisions over the years that are so
lacking in intelligence perhaps the city of Ottawa should be
renamed 'Iotawa'.
(Libertarian Policy)



The White House is an Evil place...	
You are always hearing about:
"The White House said this" or
"The White House said that"...
It's like the Poltergeist meets the
Amnityville Horror when buildings start talking.



The Top 15 Changes in England Under a Non-Conservative Parliament  

15> New head of British Intelligence?  Austin Powers, 
    International Man of Mystery.  
  
14> Scandal-plagued Windsors removed from throne, replaced by 
    scandal-plagued Kennedys.  
  
13> Emma Thompson forced to return to her natural hair color.  
  
12> Driving on either side of the street now okay, if you know 
    what I mean.  
  
11> Judges allowed to exchange wimpy white wigs for Dennis Rodman model.  
  
10> Steak & Kidney Pie replaced by Summer Vegetables & Kidney Pie.
  
 9> Beer will now be served cold, like God intended.  
  
 8> Raisins added to gruel in school lunches.  
  
 7> Maggie Thatcher "Swimsuit" Edition shower-curtains finally
    removed from Parliament locker-rooms.  
  
 6> Secret plan to assassinate Spice Girls gets postponed indefinitely.  
  
 5> Time to do a little downsizing on Prince Charles' ears.  
  
 4> Government loan to Ringo to head off slide into Psychic 
    Hotline commercials.  
  
 3> Musicians union forced to admit Linda McCartney.  
  
 2> Major cutbacks to their *BIIIG* SCAAARY ARMY!!!  
  
 1> Massive infrastructure project begun on citizens' teeth.  
  
by Chris White and Ziff Davis



  A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
  "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes 
the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm 
against it. 
  But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield 
against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds 
into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then 
I'm for it.
  This is my position, and I will not compromise."



Why is it nicer to work for the Pope than to work for a senator?
With the Pope, you only have to kiss his ring.


What did James Brady think of the attempt on Reagan's life?
It blew his mind.


How can you tell George Washington's mistresses?
They all had splinters in their tits.


Hear about the Democrat that stole so much money
 that he became a Republican?


What's fuzzy, smokes, and comes in cubes?
Fidel Castro.


Abraham Lincoln was Jewish?!
Well, his name was Abraham, and he was shot in 
the temple.


When a bull is mated with a cow, the cow is said to be 
"SERVICED".  Now you know what the government means when 
it says "we are here only to service you".


Where are we going to house all the crooks in this country,
the prisons and our legislatures are already full. 


Anyone who loves sausage and respects the law should 
never watch either one being made.


The 'do-nothing' congress finally passed something. 
5000 bum checks. 


Why are Republican voters so good at oral sex?
They'll swallow anything. 


Hear that the Department of Transportation is going 
to be laying off most of the workers from road crews?
Seems someone invented a shovel that will stand up by
 itself.


Why do Democrats have more kids than Republicans?
Ever hear of someone wanting a piece of elephant?


How can you spot a perverted politician?
His campaign slogan is, "A chicken in every bed".


What happened to the prostitute that worked in D.C.?
She was subjected to several Congressional probes.


Why do politicians believe in free speech?
Because that's all that theirs is worth.


CONSERVATIVE, n.  A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, 
as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them 
with others.


A politician leads an active life.  When he isn't straddling an 
 issue, he is dodging one.


Overheard in a restaurant -- one girl to another: "What I am 
looking for is a man who will treat me as if I was a voter 
and he was a candidate."


  Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, 
one of them jumped up & yelled at the other, "What about the
powerful interest that controls you?"
  The other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this."


  A politician who had changed his views rather radically was
congratualated by a colleague.
  "I'm glad you've seen the light," he said.
  "I didn't see the light," came the terse reply. "I felt the heat."



If you're in a room with Saddam Hussein, Kadaffi, and Pat Buchanan, 
and you've got a gun with only 2 bullets, what do you do?
Shoot Buchanan twice. 



What prevented Gary Hart from throwing his hat into the ring?
Throwing his clothes over a chair.






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