Election Jokes

Election Jokes



My campaign theme song for my upcoming run for
President of the United States of America.
Lie My Way (to Lenny Kravitz's 'Fly Away') I wish that I could lie Into the sky Some votes I'd buy Just like Bill Clinton lied Lie anytime I please Like when I need, some perjury Up to the Nth degree Oh, I want the presidency I'm gonna lie my way (Yeah yeah yeah) I want the presidency I'm gonna lie my way (Yeah yeah yeah) Promise away the stars Fat tax refunds or even wars Because the cash ain't ours Give me some campaign funds need'em by the tons Don't give me ones Only real huge sums Oh, oh, oh yeah!! I want the presidency I'm gonna lie my way (Yeah yeah yeah) I want the presidency I'm gonna lie my way (Yeah yeah yeah) (spoken) I've gotta lie my way Yeah I've gotta get my way Oh, oh, oh yeah I want the presidency I'm gonna lie my way (Yeah to you yeah) Oh yeah I want the presidency I'm gonna lie my way (Yeah to you yeah) I gotta lie my way I want the presidency I want the presidency I want the presidency I want the presidency Yeah I want the presidency I'm gonna lie my way (Yeah to you yeah) Oh I want the presidency I want the presidency I want the presidency I want the presidency I want the presidency Yeah I want the presidency I'm gonna lie my way (Yeah to you yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah (by Pundit Gainsay) "LOS ANGELES LEADS THE UNITED STATES IN RUNNING COMEDIANS FOR OFFICE" A report from Dana A. Snow Here is the speech James Tripp gave at The Free Expression Night at Creativity Bookstore, on Pier Avenue (just off Main Street) in Santa Monica: People want to know where James Tripp stands on the issues. We've adopted a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. You have to draw the line. Taking a stand on issues is where I draw the line! This has led some people to say that James Tripp doesn't want to take a stand on the issues. That's an interesting point, but not one *I'm* interested in! I can't tell you where *I* stand on the issues until I know where YOU stand! The things you believe in are the things I believe in! The GOOD things! The RIGHT things! The things that makes us all PROUD to be Americans! You want someone like YOU to run for Mayor. You want someone like James Tripp. Who is James Tripp? Well, to answer that question, you have to ask yourself "Who --- are YOU?" When you know who YOU are, you'll KNOW who James Tripp is. I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. Goo goo ga joob!! James Tripp knows what you want! You want James Tripp! Some men see things that ARE and ask "Why?" I see things that never were and say "Stop asking so many questions!!" Question authority, but do not question me. We've got to do what it takes to do what it is that we must do. Some question why someone who ran for President would WANT to run for Mayor. Let me ASSURE you, it has NOTHING to do with my 11.5 million dollar campaign debt. You know where James Tripp stands! He stands WITH YOU! You don't WANT subways through your front lawn! So if James Tripp is elected Mayor, you won't HAVE subways through your front lawn! I make no such claim for your BACK lawn. You don't WANT aliens from another planet appointed to the M.T.A. board, so if James Tripp is elected Mayor, you won't HAVE aliens from another planet appointed to the M.T.A. board. You MAY have some on the PLANNING Commission. A lot of people want to know what James Tripp will do about crime. If I'm elected Mayor, I won't COMMIT any crimes! A lot of people say you can't drink the water from the tap in Los Angeles and that the NEXT Mayor ought to DO something about that. But what about the people who work in the bottled water industry? I don't think it's the business of the Mayor of Los Angeles to put people in the fresh, clean Alps of France out of work! There are SOME people that question my sani - , I mean, candidacy. Some people say I can't WIN an election. Well, I'm reminded of the story of "The Little Engine that Thought He Could." I'm REMINDED of it. I can't REMEMBER the whole thing. The time will come when we must come to a time - and that time is now!! So remember when you go to the polls, write in James Tripp! Mayor of Los Angeles! GOD BLESS OUR FAIR CITY!! Will Rogers once called himself an amateur comedian compared to those in Congress. Many comedians have run for President, the most famous being Pat Paulsen in 1968. This was a spin-off from the comic editorials he did on The Smother Brothers Show on CBS. Regarding censorship he said on January 7, 1968, "We are allowed to say Ronald Reagan is a lousy actor, but we're not allowed to say he's a lousy Governor, which is ridiculous! We KNOW he's a good actor!... And you can't say ANYTHING bad about President Johnson (sic), because you shouldn't insult The President, but if you COMPLIMENT him, who would believe it?" Gracie Allen ran on the Surprise Party ticket. When asked (on the March 12, 1940 Fibber McGee & Molly Show) about her campaign, she said it tickled her nose. Eddie Cantor ran for President at least for one radio show. Someone said "I wouldn't vote for you if you were Saint Peter himself!" to which he replied "If I were Saint Peter, you wouldn't be in my district!" There's a book called "W. C. Fields for President," written by Fields and later turned into a record by Rich Little. The Firesign Theatre have run the mythical George Papoon, the mythical George Leroy Tirebiter, the mythical President Woppler and the semi-mythical Daffy Duck for President. Recently L.A.'s Beth Lapides of Luna Park's Un-Cabaret ran for First Lady. Comic actors such as Fred "Love Boat" Grandy, Sheila "Dobie Gillis" James and Sonny Bono have waged serious and effective campaigns. Another serious contender from the comedy community is current candidate for Charter Commissioner, Denise Munro Robb. As Charter Commissioner, she hopes to rewrite the charter to develop local councils, create more City Council positions to represent the growth in population and replace certain appointed positions with elections. Ms. Robb has alternated between comedy (including Lifetime's "Girls' Night Out") and political activism --- as Executive Director of Americans for Democratic Action and founder of a volunteer Neighborhood Crime Patrol. As a comedienne, she has said "There's a lot of crime in my neighborhood so I formed a Neighborhood Watch Program and we all wear the letter 'N' so we'll know each other. We're just having trouble getting criminals to wear the letter C." James Tripp may be the first ADMITTED comedian to run for Mayor. Saying he forgot to file as a candidate, he hopes to get in as a write-in, always assuming his followers can write. Tripp certainly can write as witness his brilliant speeches that include satire of meaningless promises and poll-watching that have been a constant in politics as long as I can remember, except when unintentional satirist Ross Perot forced two candidates to actually answer any questions. Tripp is no stranger to politics. He waged a campaign for President against Bill Clinton and, um, his opposition, whoever it was. (Someone call Research!) In a speech from THAT campaign, he said: A lot of people say you'd be throwing away your vote to vote for James Tripp. A lot of people say "Au revoir, mes cher enfants," but those people live in France, so why listen to them? I wouldn't vote for me, but that's no reason why you shouldn't. Let us look to the future. Let us move forward. Let us look to the South, then look to the North. Let us take two steps diagonally and half a step to the side. Let us veer left when we come to a yellow mailbox. Let us then drive TOGETHER for half a mile and then stop --- and smell the roses. So when you go to the polls tomorrow, cast your vote for you. Cast your vote for James Tripp for President! The American people did not vote for James Tripp in significant enough numbers on that occasion, but in Los Angeles, they will have another chance in April. In his concession speech, his remarks included these: "While most of the other candidates conceded defeat almost a week ago, we at the James Tripp for President Campaign have waited, pending a recount of the official results which were announced only moments ago. Now it's official. Out of all the votes cast across this great land, James Tripp received a resounding two... Two votes. If I had voted for myself, it would have been three... but I wasn't about to throw my vote away... Those two votes were cast in Venice, California. And to those who say that the bells of freedom no longer ring in America, I say 'Let them come to Venice! Ich bin ein Venison!'" But what about me? (Dana Snow) I turned down the Presidential nomination. They wouldn't pay me under the table so I could still collect Welfare... I considered the Presidency, because I was HOPING for a sex scandal! I'm an expert on politics. I'm writing a book called "Voting Republican for Dummies." In that book, I explain why Republicans won so many elections. It's because voting machines can't detect sarcasm! Here's a bit of Republican trivia: The original Bush- Quayle campaign slogan was "I'm with Stupid!" Some people say I shouldn't talk about Bush and Quayle because they're old news. I don't care. Heck, I think NIXON hasn't suffered enough! I think we should dig him up and rebury him in jail! There's a chapter on Newt Gingrich. It's called "Good Government and How to Avoid It." I will admit one thing. He's more open-minded than I thought! He believes in UFOs. He believes that creatures of SUPERIOR intelligence are coming here from all over the universe - - to live off welfare. I don't like him. I liked him MUCH better when he was in England doing comedy under the name Benny Hill.


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