Nursery Rhymes

Nursery Rhymes

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candlestick.
Alas, he didn't clear the flame,
And now he's known as Mary-Jane.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candlestick,
Jack wasn't so nimble, Jack wasn't so quick,
Jack ended up in the hospital with a French fried dick.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candle-stick.
Silly boy, you should have jumped higher.
Good grief! Great BALLS of fire!!

Jack may be nimble
Jack may be quick
but Jill still prefers
the candlestick.

Mary had a little loan
Got fleeced in three-card monty
The loan sharks got her so mixed-up
She fled to Carlo Monte

Twinkle, Twinkle S.U.V.
Please switch lanes so I can see
Up above the street so high
Like a spaceship in the sky
If you hit me I will die
S.U.V. speeding home to bed
Don't you see that curve ahead?
Rolling, Rolling S.U.V.
Too high center of gravity

Georgie, Porgie, Goodman & Fry
Sued 4M and made them cry
The two sides settled for 1M
And that's how they became 3M

Georgy Porgy pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too `cause he was gay

Georgy Porgey, pudding and pie,
Jerked off in his girlfriends eye,
When her eye was dried and shut,
Georgy fucked that one eyed slut.

CEO Jack Horner
Had an office on the corner
With windows that were vast
Still the Chairman's suite was bigger
And it was Jack who pulled the trigger
Nice guys finish last!

Little Jack Horner,
Sat in a corner,
Eating his Christmas Pie.
Stuck in his thumb,
Pulled out a bulldozer,
And said: "bloody hell, I could have choked on that!"

Little Jack Horner,
Sat in a corner,
Eating his Christmas Pie.
Stuck in his thumb,
Pulled out a plum,
And said, "Ouch! This is bloody hot!"

Hickory, Dickory, Dock
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
and the other two got away with minor injuries.

Hackery dackery duck
The stupid mouse is stuck
It can't pick
And it can't click
Hackery dackery duck

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the King's horses,
And All the King's men,
Said, "Scramble him, he's only an egg!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the King's horses,
And All the King's men,
Had omlettes for sixty-two weeks.

Little Miss Muffet, Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider, Who sat down beside her
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair,
Fuzzy Wuzzy was arrested for indecent exposure 
and is now serving time in the state pen.

There was an old woman,
Who lived in a shoe;
She had so many children,
She didn't know what to do.

She collected allimony,
And even child support;
When granted a divorce,
At the municiple court.

Momma went to the County,
And said, "It ain't enough!
I need some more money,
`Cause, times are real tough!"

Now she's on welfare,
The kids now have fruit;
And the family is now moving,
To a patent leather boot.

The kids no longer wonder,
If times will be bad;
They just thank Uncle Sam,
Who they think is their dad.

  The nursery rhymes we teach our children are so archaic as to 
appear to be nonsense. The references to animals like sheep and 
pigs and the obsolete professions like pipers and kings fail to 
inform modern muchers and muchettes  about the one thing they 
need in order to live full productive lives:

Peter Peter pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her
He put her in a pumpkin shell
And then he watched some television

Jack be nimble, 
Jack be quick,
Jack jump over,
The cable decoder

Murray had a big TV
With colors bright as life
And every time he turned it on
He forgot about his wife.

Are you beeping?  Are you beeping?
Brother Jack?  Brother Jack?
Get your pocket pager.  Get your pocket pager.
Call them back.  Call them back.

Peas porridge hot
Peas porridge cold
Peas porridge from the 
microwave oven

Mary had a cool boombox
The loudest in the town
And everywhere that Mary went
They said to turn it down

Mister Cole has remote control
And remote control has he
He gets CNN
He gets HBO
And he gets his MTV

Skipping through the dial
All night from dusk to dawn
Grazing four and eighty channels
And still there's nothing on

Verbose Mother Goose

What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities toward 
verbosity and prolixity?

Jack becomes dexterous,
Jack becomes able to attain high velocity,
Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus of
   ozocitereous structure.

Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries,
It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic
   pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline
And to each point in space that Mary would venture to,
The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high degree of

Diminutive Jack Horner
Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces,
Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry.
He inserted his opposable digit,
And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus,
And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"

Lilliputian Damsel Muffet
Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus,
Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession.
At this point arrived an arachnid
Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden,
And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response,
 arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency so as
 to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.

Three rodents with defective visual perception,
 three rodents with defective visual perception.
Visualize how they perambulate,
 Visualize how they perambulate.
They all perambulated after the agriculturist's spouse,
 she severed their spinal columns with a kitchen utensil.
Have you ever seen such a spectacle in your existence,
 as three rodents with defective visual perception?
 as three rodents with defective visual perception?

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