Poems

Pete, The Piddling Pup

A farmer's dog came into town,
His christian name was Pete.
A noble pedigree he had,
To see him was a treat.
And as he trotted down the street
'Twas beautiful to see
His work on every corner,
His work on every tree.

He watered every gateway, too,
And never missed a post,
For piddling was his specialty
And piddling was his boast.
The city curs looked on, amazed,
With deep and jealous rage
To see a simple country dog
The piddler of the age!

Then all the dogs from everywhere
Were summoned with a yell
To sniff the country stranger o'er
And judge him by the smell.
Some thought that he a king might be,
Beneath his tail, a rose.
So every dog drew near to him
And sniffed him by the nose.

They smelled him over one by one,
They smelled him two by two;
But noble Pete, in high disdain,
Stood still till they were through.
Then, just to show the whole shebang
He didn't give a damn
He trotted in a grocer's shop
And piddled on a ham.

He piddled in a mackerel keg.
He piddled on the floor,
And when the grocer kicked him out
He piddled through the door.
Behind him all the city dogs
Lined up with instinct true
To start a piddling carnival
And see the stranger through.

They showed him every piddling post
They had in all the town,
And started in, with many a wink,
To pee the stranger down.
They sent for champion piddlers
Who were always on the go
And who sometimes gave a piddling stunt
Or gave a piddling show.

They sprung these on him suddenly
When midway through the town.
Pete only smiled, and piddled off
The ablest, white or brown.
For he was with them, every trick,
With vigour and with vim.
A thousand piddles, more or less,
Were all the same to him.

So he was wetting merrily
With hind leg kicking high
When most were hoisting legs in bluff
And piddling mighty dry.
On and on, Pete sought new grounds
By piles of scrap and rust
Till every city dog ran dry
And only piddled dust.

Still on and on went noble Pete
As wet as any rill
When all the champion city dogs
Had come to a standstill.
Then Pete did free-hand piddling
With fancy flirts and flips
Like the 'double dip' and the 'gimlet twist'
And all the latest hits.

And all the time the country dog
Did never wink or grin
But blithely piddled out of town
As he had piddled in.
The city dogs a convention held
To ask, "What did defeat us?"
But no one ever put them wise
That Pete had diabetes!




Birdie birdie 
In the sky 
Why did you poopoo 
In my eye? 
I didn't sigh 
And I didn't cry 
Just thank God 
That cows don't fly




Little Willie, mad as hell,
pushed his sister down a well
mother said while drawing water
"It's so hard to raise a daughter!"



Willie looking in the gun
Pulls the trigger just for fun.
Mother says in tones so pained,
"Willie is so scatter-brained"



Little Willie took a rocket,
Put it in his father's pocket.
Then he said to cousin Dan,
"Daddy is a traveling man."



Little Willie found a mirror,
Went and sucked the mercury off,
Thinking in his childish error,
It would cure his whooping cough.
At the funeral, Willie's mother
Sadly said to Mrs. Brown,
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie
When the mercury went down."



Little Willie, home from school,
Where he'd learned the Golden Rule,
Said, "If I eat all this cake,
Sis won't get a stomach ache."



Little Willie,
Brand new skates
Hole in ice
Pearly gates



Willie bashed open baby's head
To see if brains are gray or red
What a naughty boy is he
He shall have no jam for tea.



Little Willie at a passing gent
Threw a batch of fresh cement.
Then he said, "Wait until you dry!
Then you'll be a real hard guy!"



Little Willie on his bike
Through the village took a hike.
Mrs. Thompson blocked the walk;
She will live, but still can't talk.



Willie fell down the elevator,
Wasn't found 'till six days later.
Then the neighbors sniffed, "Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is!"



Willie in the cauldron fell;
See the grief on mother's brow!
Mother loved her Darling well,
Willie's quite hard-boiled by now.



Willie's cute as cute can be.
Beneath his brother, only three,
He lit a stick of dynamite.
Now brother's simply out of sight.



Willie, I regret to state,
Cut his sister up for bait.
We miss her when it's time to dine,
But Willie's fish taste simply fine.



Willie's on the railroad track
The engine gave a squeal.
The engineer just took a spade,
And scraped him off the wheel.



In the family drinking well
Willie pushed his sister Nell
She's there yet, because it kilt her
Now we have to buy a filter.



Willie with a thirst for gore
Nailed his sister to the door
Mother said, with humor quaint
Now careful dear, don't scratch the paint!



Little Willie with a roar
Nailed the baby to the floor.
Little Willie with a shout
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out,
Jumped on them to make them pop,
Momma said, "Now Willie, stop!"



Little Willie in the best of sashes,
Fell in the fire, and was burned to ashes.
After while the room grew chilly,
But no one wanted to poke poor Willie.



Little Willie's filled with glee
Put Radium in Grandma's tea
Now he finds it quite a lark
To see Grandma glow in the dark

 

Willie saw some dynamite
Couldn't understand it -- quite.
Curiosity never pays ...
It rained Willie seven days.

or

Willie found some dynamite,
Cut the fuse off, lit the wick.
Curiosity never pays.
It rained Willie several days.


 
Alas poor little Willie,
Little Willie is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4



Little Johny found life a bore, 
so he drank some H2SO4.
But his father, and MD, 
filled him up with CaCO3.
Nows he's neutralised, its true,
But he's completely full of CO2



"Little Willie from the mirror
Licked the mercury off.
Thinking in his childish error
It would cure his whooping cough.
   
At the funeral, Willie's mother
Smartly said to Mrs. Brown
"Twas a chilly day for Willie
When the mercury went down."



Willie poisoned Daddy's tea
Daddy died in agony.
Mummy came and looked quite vexed.
"Really, Will," she said, "what next?"

Willy smiled and kissed his Mum
Told her not to be so glum.
You never really liked him much
And a lawyer would have cost us such.

This way you are free of him
And you can marry Uncle Tim.
Your face tells me that I am right
To guess where you both were last night.

So, quiet Mum, don't start to fret
There is no test invented yet
Can tell this from a simple stroke
Caused by the brand he used to smoke.

So get Tim on the phone and tell
Him to bring wine and chocs as well
But don't wait up for I shall be
Talking to a drug company.




Mary Mary
Quite Contrary
Trim that pussy
It's too damn harry



I kissed the friendly brown-eyed cow
Who gives me milk and cheese.
I'm lying in my nursery now
With hoof and mouth disease.



Little Boy Blue 
come blow your horn
The sheep's in the meadow
The cow's in the corn.
And where's the little boy 
who looks after the sheep?
He's after the sheep, the dirty creep.
Shall I get him?
Nosiree!  
Better the lousy 
sheep than me.




A yellow bird,
With a yellow bill,
Sat upon
My window sill!

I lured him in,
With a piece of bread,
And then I smashed,
his little head!

I scooped him up,
In a dixie cup,
and then I drank,
That Fucker up!

The moral of,
This story goes,
to get some head,
You need some bread!




As I awoke one morning,
When all sweet things are born,
A robin perched upon my sill,
To welcome the coming morn.

He whistled a song so sweetly,
And so softly did he sing,
That thoughts of joy and happiness
To my heart did he bring.

As he cocked his little head,
And paused for a moments lull,
I quickly closed the window,
And crushed his fucking skull.




A songbird came and perched itself
upon my window sill.
It sang to me a song so sweet
in a soft little trill.

I thought to myself, how wonderful
this world of ours must be,
if God could send this little bird
to sing its' song for me.

A world of peace, a world of love,
of beauty and of joy.
A happy little haven
for every girl and boy.

And as I bent down to listen to
his gentle little lull,
I quickly slammed the window down
and crushed its' fucking skull!




Oh I'll tell you a story of a burglarman,
Who went to rob a house.
Crept in at the window,
As quitely as a Mouse.

Thinking of all the money that he would find
As under the bed he lay
He certainly saw a fright that night
That made his hair turn grey!

Along about nine an Old Maid came in
"I'm so tired" she said.
Thinking that everything would be alright
She forgot to look under the bed.

She took out her teeth, her old glass eye
The hair came off of her head.
The burglar man had 19 fits
As he crawled from under the bed.

She took out a pistol from the drawer 
And to the burglarman said,
"Young man if you don't marry me
I'll blow off the top of your head!"

He looked at her teeth, her old glass eye
He had to where for to scoot.
He turned to the Old Maid standing by
And said "Lady, for the Lord's sake shoot!"




(sung to  "Pop Goes the Weasel")
Long and thin Goes too far in
And doesn't please the ladies!
Short and thick Does the trick
And brings out proper babies!



She offered her honor,
He honored her offer,
and all night long,
He was on her and off her.




The Ballad of Big-Ass Lil and Yukon Pete
By John Valby

Grab a glass and get your seat,
And I'll tell you about Big Ass Lil and Yukon Pete.

Lil was a village queen,
The fuckingest whore you've ever seen.
While some girls fucked with grace and ease,
Lil blew dick like the summer breeze.
But when she fucked, she fucked for keeps,
She piled her victims up in heaps.

There was a rumor around that town,
That no man could put Lil's ass down.
But way up north, where Twin Rivers meet,
Lived a one-balled halfbreed named Yukon Pete.

Pete was a dirty motherless soul,
Who fucked bears, sheep and woodchuck holes.
He got a whiff of Big Ass Lil,
Packed his rubbers and came down the hill.
He strode into town in size 32 feet,
Draggin' 16 yards of that red hot meat.

Well the scene was set at Windy Mill,
By the brick shit-house, high on the hill.
All of the ladies came for a ringside seat,
Just to watch that halfbreed sic his meat.

Well they fucked, and they fucked, and they fucked for hours,
Uprooting trees, shrubs and flowers.
Lil did front flips, back flips, stunts
All unknown to most common cunts.

But Pete caught on to every trick,
And kept on pumping in more dick.
Then Lil gave Pete a whorehouse squeeze,
That dropped that halfbreed to his knees.

But Pete came back, with a Yukon grunt,
That popped out her eyes and split her cunt.
Then Lil rolled over, cut two farts and sighed,
"Boys, I've been fucked.", cut one more and died.

When they asked that halfbreed of his amazing feat,
He said, "Boys, I'm going back to the Yukon and beat my meat."




I am my Own Grandpa! 
by Guy Lombardo

Many many years ago 
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow 
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!