There was a young man from Hong Kong,
Who had a trifurcated prong,
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a *honey* for beating a gong.
Said a pretty young lady from Croft,
Whilst amusing herself in the loft,
"Salami or wurst,
Is what I choose first,
But with baloney I know I've been boffed."
There was a young fellow named Simon,
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl,
Had relinquished her pearl,
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do,
So she sat on the stairs,
And counted cunt hairs;
Four thousand, three hundred and two!
There was a young lady from Brewster,
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her.
But her panties were thin,
And my finger slipped in,
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
On the internet they found romance,
That put both in a hot sexual trance.
But each had a gripe,
About having to type,
With their hand stuck down into their pants.
There was a young fellow from Florida,
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed,
He cried, "God strike me dead,
This isn't a cunt, it's a corridor!"
A strange young fellow from Leeds,
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass,
Sprouted out of his ass,
And his balls were covered with weeds.
Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans.
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
There was a young lady of Worcester,
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream,
A lump in the mattress had goosed her.
Here was an old witch named Mean Molly,
Who thought swooping dogs was real jolly.
Her broom broke. Kersplat!
And she lost her black hat,
Now Molly is riding the trolley.
I wonder what Christmas will be,
No merriment, good cheer or glee.
Now that Santa's arrested,
Because someone protested,
That he laid some doll under their tree.
A scientist from Russia named Adam,
Took a pot shot at splitting the atom.
He blew off his penis,
And now, just between us,
Is known in the Kremlin as Madam.
No bananas she said, with a sigh,
And a tear trickled down from her eye.
No cukes, no zucchinis,
No Oscar Meyer weenies,
"I'll have to go find me a guy."
To Charlotte while sleeping, it seems,
She runs from nude dudes in her dreams.
Each night they pursue,
They catch her and screw,
She awakes it's untrue so she screams.
There once was a young man named Jack,
For a trip to Sweden he did pack,
To see the Sex Surgeon,
And become a new virgin,
With different equipment attached.
We Are Off To Good Old Natal
Where The Women Are Built Rather Well
And The Fish Like To Bite
In The Morn And At Night
And They All Enjoy A Good Swell
When The Race For The Moon Runs Its Course,
And Women Are Sent There By Force,
Will The Men They Embrace,
In The World's Outer Space,
Start To Call Making Love, 'Outercourse'?
Whenever The Women's Lib Molls,
Throw Parties, They Tear Down The Walls.
They Sing And They Dance,
In Their Bell-Bottom Pants,
But You Can't Say They Really Have Balls.
While, As For The Women, Their Modes,
As Judged By Some Strange Episodes,
Of Avoiding Repression
By Means Of Regression,
Are Such That Their Warden Explodes.
You Women's Lib Gals Won't Agree,
But Dependent On Men You Must Be.
You'll Need A Him,
With A Rod Firm And Trim,
To Puggle You Water-Drains Free!
There was a lady from Cape Cod,
Who thought all things were gifts from God.
But it wasn't the Allmighty,
Who lifted her nighty,
Twas Roger the lodger by God.
There Were Two Women, It's True,
Who Were Bored With Nothing To Do.
Their Dulcimers They Played,
Met Two Men And Got Laid.
I Think They're Pretty Lucky, Don't You?
There's A Man In The Bible Portrayed
As One Deeply Engrossed In His Trade.
He Became Quite Elated
Over Things He Created,
Especially The Women He Made.
There's A Matron In Old Montreal
With No Inhibitions At All
They Say She's Fresher
Than Women Of Cheshire,
But Admit That The Difference Is Small.
There's A Village Called, 'Come To The Good',
Where The People Don't Do As The Should.
Every Lad And His Dad,
Has Gone To The Bad--
And The Women Would Too, If They Could.
There Was A Young Man On The Internet;
There Were Few Girls He Hadn't Tried Yet.
He Figured He'd Laid,
(Not Counting An Aide),
Half Of All Of The Women He'd Met.
There Was A Young Man Who Gave Chase,
To Loose Women. A Pitiful Case,
Made More Sordid By Wine,
Till At Seventy-Nine,
He Died With An Evil Grimace.
There Was An Effete, Lazy Fop
Who Preferred All His Women On Top
He Said, ''I'm No Jerk,
Let Them Do The Work
But If I Get Pregnant, I'll Stop.''
"If you dream", said the eminent Freud,
"Your id is in doubt, or annoyed,
By neuroses complex
From suppression of sex,
So passions are best enjoyed."
"If you're aristocratic", said Nietzsche,
"It's thumbs up, you're O.K., pleased to meet ye.
If you're working-class bores,
It's thumbs down and up yours!
If you don't know your place, then I'll teach ye."
Othello said, "One thing for sure:
If my writing skills weren't quite so poor.
I would do me a schtick
On a call from St. Nick."
(But Othello was no Clement Moor.)
Thus faithful Tonto spoke:
"Mac beth must make-um joke
When him speak good
Of Birnham Wood --
Much better burn-um coke."
Though the world relied on the horse,
Names of cars filled Shakespeare's discourse:
There's Romeo for one
(Alfa's better than none),
Mistress Ford and Portia, of course.
Shakespeare's character lists were rife
With names that were drawn from real life.
Could you tell me, perchance,
How he missed the great chance
To let Duncan's fief be Fife?
As Prospero greeted the men,
"It's distressing!" he muttered again.
"My reception's not good
On this island -- I should
Maybe check on my aerial again."
King Lear said, "Cordelia, those two
Are bad news: they're wicked clear through;
But believe me, my censure
Of serpentine denture
Will never apply to you."
There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
To temptation I'm quick to submit,
I regret many sins, I admit.
Yet this is no boast:
I regret the most,
Those sins that I failed to commit!
Two fairies were flitting one day,
In the meadow where they liked to play.
When the male made a pass,
At the other (a lass),
Showing not quite all fairies are gay.
A deep-throated virgin named Netty
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
She said, "It tastes nice,
Much better than rice,
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
Hey Diddle Diddle, my penis is little,
and shriveled and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
It'll blow up just like a balloon.
There once was a man from Bombay,
Who ate gallons of beans every day.
He farted so loud,
He attracted a crowd,
But the smell made them all run away.
A Certain Sweet Girl From Key West,
Was Uncommonly Large In The Chest.
Any Man's Close Attention,
To Her Outside Dimension,
Brought His Own Measurement To Its Best.
Here's a Hell I hope Spammers endure:
Eternally swim in manure.
While bombarded with e-mail,
That tells in great detail,
Of joys they can never procure.
There is a certain young woman named Janet
Who's the sexiest dish on the planet
From her toe to her palm
She's a nuclear bomb
And no one, thank god, wants to ban it.
A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
She said, "Count me in!
As soon as the service is through!"
There was a pretty young waitress named Mary
Whose huge boobs were a virtual dairy
Served coffee and cream
by spritzing a stream
From either - it was arbitrary.
There was a young lady named Erin,
Who asked, "Why are all the men starin'?"
Her mother said, "Honey,
It's 'cause you look funny,
And there's a distinct lack of clothes that you're wearin'!"
"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold,
And given to me,
So that you can be free,
To live out those years they call gold."
"Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do it my way,
'Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickel or dime will you get!"
Jack and Jill Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
And now two of his front teeth are missing.
There was a young Scot in Madrid,
Who got fifty-five lays for a quid,
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
A well-partied co-ed named Dawn,
When asked what conclusion she'd drawn,
Said, "I was having a ball...
But I just can't recall,
This tattoo... or where all my pubic hair's gone!!"
Even though he's endowed like a pinky,
He always has dates, Willee Winkie...
If you ask any miss,
"Well, where did he kiss?"
They'll just blush and say "Somewhere that's stinky."
Maury's testicles groaned and said, "Ouch!",
As he fondled young Jane on the couch.
Said the left, "I feel blue",
Said the right one, "Me too",
As they jiggled around in their pouch.
My doctor has cut out my fags
(The ones that you smoke, you crude dags)
To hide the effects
I've taken up sex
So lets have some hot sweaty shags!
In my town they make a fine stew,
A cultural dish, yes, it is true...
They cook up roadkill
With a sprinkling of dill...
It's Chili con Carnage to you.
There once was a girl named Irene,
Who lived on distilled kerosene,
But she started absorbin',
A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzine.
One line to get your lim mind-set
Two will soon give you a couplet
Three's not a tercet
But four makes a verselet
And five makes a jolly rude quintet.
Woe is me, I'm virginal -- true.
I've no disease worries. Do you?
For if you don't use it
You never will loose it
And my bits are all like brand-new.
When your get-up has got-up and went
You will treasure the time you have spent
In a loving embrace
And find hard to face
What you lost when you wouldn't relent
A Limerick Is Best When It's Lewd,
Gross, Titillating And Crude.
But This One Is Clean
Unless You Are Seen
Reading It Aloud In The Nude.
A Limerick Of Classic Proportion
Should Have Meter And Rhyme And Proportion
Of Humor Quite Lewd
And Frightfully Crude
Impossible Sexual Contortion.
The Limerick Form Is Complex
Its Contents Run Chiefly To Sex.
It Burgeons With Virgins
And Masculine Urgeons,
And Swarms With Erotic F/X.
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
There once was a man from Montrass,
Who had balls that were made of fine brass.
In stormy weather,
They both clanged together,
And sparks flew out of his ass!
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
A decent young fellow named Herm
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm:
The size wasn't much
But its volume was such
That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.
I see by the size of your member
You're as hot as a blazing coal ember!
So slicken that mast -
And hon, make it fast -
This girl's not been poked since December!
I know that you'll think me quite dotty,
But please, no caffeine in the latte!
One simple espresso -
I put on a dress, oh,
And really start acting quite naughty!
Were you a more elegant chap,
I'd ask to sit down on your lap
Cross-legg'd, like a swami
For 'hide the salami',
But it seems that you're ill with the clap!
A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
There once was a Vulcan named Spock
Who tried stroking his monstrous cock
With lust went berserk
And beseeched Captain Kirk,
"Bend over, this shuttle must dock!"
"For Christmas", she said with a tingle
"I'd love a gift cunnilingual!"
Twas with joy and surprise
She found twixt her thighs
The tongue of jolly Kris Kringle!
There was an old Man from Peru
Who lived upon pox scabs and spew
When these palled to his taste
He tried some turd paste
And said, "you know, that's quite tasty, too!"
A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane
(paraDichloroDiphenylTrichloroethane
is the the full name for DDT)
There was a young fellow called Baker,
Who seduced a vivacious young Quaker:
And when he had done it,
She straightened her bonnet,
nd said: 'I give thanks to my Maker.'
Said Old Father William: 'I'm humble,
And getting too old for a tumble,
But produce me a blonde,
And I'm still not beyond
An attempt at an interesting fumble.'
There Was A Young Fellow Named Locke,
Who Was Born With A Two-Headed Cock.
When He'd Fondle The Thing,
It Would Rise Up And Sing
An Antiphonal Chorus By Bach.
But Whether These Two Ever Met
Has Not Been Recorded As Yet.
Still It Would Be Diverting
To See Him Inserting
His Whang While It Sang A Duet.
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
Or for those who have trouble with the poem:
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
My trouser-snake stands up and cheers
When confronted by boobs in brassieres
But, in charming my cobra
The bosom with no bra
Can practically move it to tears
There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee.
A man in a punt
Put his hand on her cunt,
And God! how I wish it was me.
A comely young widow named Ransom
Was ravished three times in a hansom:
When she cried out for more,
A voice from the floor
Cried: 'Lady, I'm Simpson, not Samson!'
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work with play:
She shells C shells by the seashore.
From the world, his discovery brought cheers;
From his wife, it drew nothing but tears.
"For you see," said Ms. Halley,
He used to come daily;
Now it's once every 76 years!"
An astronomiss happily sang,
"I've been screwed by the telescope gang,
They all had a bit o' me,
For I'm the epitome
Of the grandly impressive Big Bang."
There was a young couple named Bright
Whose fucking was faster than light
They went at it one day
In a relative way
And came on the previous night.
A burleycue dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
and died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.
'Tis a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.
There once was a young man from Kent
Whose prick was exceedingly bent
To avoid any trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went!
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It could do either sex
But, oh, what a bitch 'twas to clean...
Two fussy old queers from Algiers
Were flustered and almost in tears,
For the buggers had spent
What they needed for rent,
And their landlord had said, "No arrears!"
Once a young woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock,
(with the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
There once was a woman named Ann
Who was said to be quite like a man.
When nature did call,
She ran down the hall,
And went to the gentleman's can.
There was a young girl from Annista
Who dated a lecherous mister,
He fondled her titty,
Got one finger shitty,
Talked her out of her pants but just kissed 'er.
There once was a woman from Arden
Who was seen sucking a man in the garden
Her mother said, "Flo,
Where does it all go??
And she said, "Gulp, Beg your pardon?"
A young lady born under Aries,
Consults the stars each time she marries
Although she gets hope,
From each horoscope
Her husbands turn out to be fairies.
I lost my arm in the army,
I lost my leg in the navy,
I lost my balls
Over the Niagara falls,
And I lost my cock in a lady.
I have traveled the whole world around,
And I've heard many questions profound,
But in old Bucharest,
This question was best:
"Would you like to start fooling around?"
The limerick's form's astronomical
To fit so much into space so economical.
But the ones that I've seen
Are so seldom clean
And the clean ones are so seldom comical.
There was a young man of Australia,
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
Two mice and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
A young bride and groom of Australia
Remarked as they joined genitalia:
"Though the system seems odd,
We are thankful that God
Developed the genius Mammalia."
A soldier known only as Sarge
Had sex with a hooker named Marge
Though only a grunt
He assaulted her cunt
And gave her a honorable discharge.
A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh dear, I am wearing away!
The inside of my thighs
Look just like mince pies,
For my husband won't shave every day."
The chief charm of a whore in Shalott
Was the absence of hair on her twat.
She kept it smooth looking
Not by shaving or plucking,
But by all the fucking she got.
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
Had achieved some renown
For her tone going down -
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
A notorious roundheels named Shore
Would allow horny sailors to score,
But employed every means
Of avoiding Marines-
She was rotten, they claimed, to the Corps.
A thrifty young fellow of Shoreham
Made brown paper trousers and woreham.
He looked nice and neat
Till he bent in the street
To pick up a dime, then he toreham.
There was a young man from Siam
Who said, "I go in with a wham,
But I soon lose my starch
Like the mad month of March,
And the lion comes out like a lamb."
There was a young monk in Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior.
He jumped on a nun,
Which he shouldn't have done;
And now she's a Mother Superior.
There once was a girl from Sidney
Who could take it right up to her kidney
But a guy from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a long one, now didn't he.
A young redneck lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
But the kid was so tight,
And it was deep night --
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
Her sidesaddle progress was slow;
No track tout would rate her a pro.
Said Godiva, "I rode
While the townspeople oh'd
Not to win or to place -- but to show!"
A contrary little troll they call Ed
Found himself way out over his head
He couldn't swim any more,
So he struck out for the shore,
And ended up on an island instead.
There once was a lad from Beirut
Who had seven warts on this root.
He poured acid on these
And now when he pees
He must grasp himself like a flute.
There once was a sailor from Brighton,
That told his lover she had a tight one,
She said, "Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole,
There's plenty of room in the right one!"
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor
"Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"
There was a young man from Tucker,
Who met a young lady named Smucker.
A hotel room they rented,
The arrangements contented,
But after reading a flyer on sexually
transmitted diseases they took in a
movie instead.
Back in the days of old Adam
The grass served as mattress for madam,
And they spent the whole day
On the sex that today
They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"
While the bill was debated, Miss Snyder
Had a Senator thrusting inside her....
To a knock at the door,
She replied from the floor,
"Go away - I'm attached to a rider!"
A widow, who fancied a man some,
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more,
Her young man became sore,
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
My back aches, my pussy is sore,
I simply can't fuck any more,
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
I once took my girl to Southend,
Intending a loving weekend.
But imagine the fuss;
In the room next to us,
Was my wife with a gentleman friend.
There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train.
There was a young porter
Saw more than he orter,
And asked her to do it again.
Here are neatly turned odes of small span,
Much concerned with our bodily plan,
And the intercorporeal
Highly sensorial
Love-life of woman and man.
Girls give Jim's stiff penis a spasm
Whenever he sees 'em or has em.
He likes them so well,
He needs only to smell
Them to have a spontaneous orgasm
A little adultery spices
Our lives, but just look at those prices!
If they charge all that dough,
Men can't buy it, you know,
And there'll be a frustrational crises.
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen
Where people all thought her a virgin
Till they found her in bed
With her quim very red
And the head of a kid just emerging
There once was a young man named Springer
Who got his testicles caught in the wringer.
He hollered with pain,
As they rolled down the drain,
"There goes my career as a singer."
When I die, I just hope my main squeeze
Stores my body in very deep freeze.
Then when I thaw out,
My nurses will shout,
And it'll astound the MD's.
A young Juliet of St. Louis
On a balcony stood, acting screwy.
Her Romeo climbed,
But he wasn't well timed,
And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
There once was a man from St. Pauls
Who used to perform in the halls.
His favorite trick
Was to stand on his prick
And roll off the stage on his balls.
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by pious relation
Making love in a ditch
To -- I won't say a bitch --
But a woman of *no* reputation.
The bribe that young streetwalker Stover
Employs as a sexual rover
Is-to hand-job police.
As she gives one release,
She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"
That fan wouldn't move; it stayed straight.
It must have been made in Kuwait.
Please take the fan back,
As the things out of whack.
All the fans that I know ovulate.
A milkmaid there was, with a stutter
Who was lonely and wanted a flutter.
She had nowhere to turn,
So she diddled a churn
And managed to come with the butter.
There was a young lady named Sue
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw.
But one leads to another,
And now she's a mother;
Let this be a lesson to you.
There's a sports-minded coed named Sue
Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
In the shell, Sue is great,
But her boyfriend's irate
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
A sailor who slept in the sun
Woke to find his fly-buttons undone.
He remarked with a smile,
"Jesus Christ, a sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one."
There once was a man in Bombay
Who was making explosives one day
He droped his cigar
in the gunpowder jar
there once WAS a man from Bombay
A cautious young chemist named Mound
Was surprised (but not hurt) when he found
That A mixed with B
In the presence of C
Made a hole (ringed with dirt) in the ground.
There was a young lady from Exeter,
And all the young men threw their sex at her,
Just to be rude,
She would lie about nude,
While her parrot, a pervert, took pecks at her.
There once was a man from Boston
Who drove a baby Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost em!
A plumber whose name was Ten Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And Ten Brink petered out
With his pipe wrench all limber and pink.
A certain young chap named Bill Beebee
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe
"But," he said, "I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee."
Said a gentle old man, "I suppose,
I ought not to wear my best clothes,
But what can I do?
I have only two,
And these are no better than those."
There once was a man from Sutter,
Who used to jerk off in the gutter,
Till the tropical sun,
Played hell on his gun,
And turned all his cream into butter.
There was a young lady named Sutton
Who said as she carved up the mutton.
"My father preferred
The last sheep in the herd;
This is one of his children I'm cutting."
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
There was a young girl, very sweet,
Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
When she sat on their lap,
She unbuttoned their flap
And always had plenty to eat.
A gigantic young crewman named Tate
Has a pecker whose weight is so great
That his dates fear to screw.
What's a stroke oar to do?
He's reduced to just pulling his weight.
Said a Spanish Main pirate named Tate:
"There are eight senioritas I date;
And I'm having a ball,
Since I'm banging them all --
Tearing off all those pieces of eight!"
There once was a man named Ted
Who had pot growing out of his head
The cause of those weeds
Was from smoking the seeds
Or so I have heard it said.
There once was a man named Paul
Who had a hexagonal ball
It's size plus its weight
Times their square root plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call!
To be brief, the great action was done
There was artfully planted a son
Through a bodkin that filled her,
And wonderfully thrilled her
More fun than a son of a gun.
To care for those stricken with gout:
To soothe the fear and the doubt
'Twas her ambition, she
Always wanted to be
A nurse, but it didn't pan out.
To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Is your east tit the least bit
The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?"
To the builder, the younger King Tut
The loan institutions were shut
"To build pyramids
Takes quids upon quids
And those rocks are a pain in the butt."
To roosters were bragging away,
Of their talent for waking the day.
As they stood there aghast,
Dawn sneaked quietly past,
And was announced by a donkey's loud bray.
Tom Doane, an elderly jockey,
Hung up his spurs and felt cocky.
"I've got saddle galls
On both of my balls."
But the doctor wrote down, "Gonococci."
Two school-kids around Aberystwyth
Made love with the lips that they kissed with
But as they got older
They also grew bolder
Making love with the things that they pissed with
Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground.
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
Two starry eyed, reckless young beaux
Were held up and robbed of their cleaux.
While the weather is hot
They won't mess them a lot_
But what will they do when it sneaux?
Two elephants Harry and Faye--
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way,
So they boarded a plane,
They're now kissing in Maine,
'Cause their trunks got sent on to L.A.
Under the speading chestnut tree
The village smith he sat,
Amusing himself
By abusing himself
And catching the load in his hat.
Undressing a maiden called Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true
That a nipple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"
They had come to the fugue to the stretto
When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
Slipped forward and grabbed
Her tresses and stabbed
Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
They say that ex-president Taft
When hit by a golf ball, once laughed
And said, "I'm not sore,
But although he called "Fore'
The place where he hit me was aft."
This little throne we call our own
And we try to keep it neat;
So please be kind
With your behind
And don't shit on the seat.
Though treated in every known way
His spirochetes grow day by day,
He's developed paresis,
Converses with Jesus,
And thinks he's the Queen of the May.
Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
Was to do what man normally does,
She declared, "I'm a Soul
Not a sexual goal!"
So he shrugged and called someone who was.
Thus she thought of synthetic conception
Which at first seemed like basest deception
But her c*nt was so sore
From Fyfe's trying to bore
That she gave the thought better reception.
Thus endeth my lim'ricks, part two.
What next, you may ask, will I do?
Perhaps something bawdy,
obscene, or just nawdy.
Who knows? If I don't, how can you?
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
Till a Spanish grandee,
Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two balls and he had 'em.
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
Display for selection
Three kinds of erection --
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
Let 'V' be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let 'P' be a constant persuasion;
"Let 'V' over 'P' be inverted
With the square root of 'Mu' inserted
'N' times into 'V' ...
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau
"Just look at me Joe
I think I've discovered one more way."
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her hole with a terrier.
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling.
There was never a sound
For miles around,
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
There once was a young fellow named Perkin
Who always was jerkin his gherkin
Says the wife to young Perkin
"Quit jerkin' yer gherkin,
Yer shirkin' yer ferkin' ya bastard!"
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
There was an old man of Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose,
And his fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
There once was a hooker named Gail,
Who one day got locked up in jail.
But then the sheriff got hot,
to be lodged in her twat,
so Gail made the bail with her tail!!
Joe is an old farming "dude"
who's not in a real good mood.
The rabbits got in,
where his veggies had been.
And he can't stand hare in his food.
There once was a tailor named Fred,
who always got knots in his thread.
Said the frustrated tailor,
"I should be a sailor...
The knots they tie get them ahead."
There was a young mouse named Gracian.
As a lifeguard he was a sensation.
All the lady mice raved,
and screamed to be saved,
by his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!
An insufferable writer named Wise,
was finally cut down to size.
When his peers had enough,
and were sick of his guff,
they gave him the "Phew"litzer prize.
There once was a handsome young actor;
while filming he fell off a tractor.
Though not in his script,
he went to Egypt,
to visit the Cairo-practor.
A rooster became quite dismayed,
with an orange in a nest, well displayed.
He called to his chicks,
"Mom's up to her tricks!
Look at the orange `marma-laid'."
There was a young gambler named Brock,
who ordered a bundle of stock.
The stockbroker fumbled;
the stock market tumbled,
And now Mr. Brock is in hock.
There was a bus driver named Peter,
who could not have looked any neater.
But his mustache looked funny,
when he combed it with honey,
thus making his kisses much sweeter.
Said the gray-haired lady, Miss Wood,
"I'd color my hair if I could.
But I've heard it said,
when I've shown my head,
that only the young dye good."
There once was a lady named Gail,
who decided to have a yard sale.
She sold all her wares,
including the chairs.
Now she's one upstanding female.
I know Richard and Dorothy Mott,
neighbors who liked to fox-trot.
When Dorothy took chances,
with fast-stepping dances,
her pet name became "polka Dot".
There was a young lady named Kinter,
who married a man in the winter.
The man's name was Wood,
and now as they should,
The Woods have a cute little "splinter".
I knew an old lady from Ghent,
who worried about money she spent.
One day in a tizzy,
she bought a tin lizzie,
with bumpers all battered and bent.
There was a homemaker named Pat,
who couldn't sew, knit or tat.
She baked bread for the fair,
won a blue ribbon there,
and said, "Thank you, I kneaded that!"
There was a curious beagle,
who found the nest of an eagle.
The mother was there,
to pluck out his hair.
He said, "Ouch! I think that's ill-eagle!"
The thesaurus editor's goal,
was consummate diet control.
At lunch he said,
"Please, I am somewhat obese,
So I'll just have a synonym roll.
There once was a Greek named Theopolis,
who lived quite near the Acropolis.
But he soon moved away,
to the U.S. of A.,
and settled in Min-ne-op-olis.
There once was a farmer from Algiers,
who planted some corn in his ears.
When the temperature rose,
he leapt to his toes.
Now popping is all that he hears.
There once was a witch from St. Rose,
who hated the wart on her nose.
"I think you will find,
that true love is blind."
said her date, a gnome with three toes.
There once lived a youth in Duluth,
who aspired to life as a sleuth.
But he soon changed his mind,
for it shocked him to find,
the truth is so often uncouth.
We were painting the church steeple gray,
when the wind blew our brushes away.
We said to the pastor,
"What a disaster!"
He calmly replied, "Let us spray."
There once was a man from St. Paul,
who moaned about being so tall.
At night in his bed,
was his body and head.
His feet had to sleep in the hall.
Dutch artists named Vincent and Joe,
bought vans that cost lots of dough.
A street race was held,
as onlookers yelled,
"Just look at that Vincent van go!"
A braunschweiger eater named Kurst,
thought that his stomach would burst.
But his doctor said,
"Nay! Your stomach's okay;
I'd say that your liver is wurst."
Van Gogh found a whore who would lay,
And accept a small painting as pay.
"Vive l`Art!" cried Van Gogh,
"But it`s too F***ing slow
I wish I could paint ten a day!"
We thought we were going to die
When the minister raised his arms high
The benediction to say
But it wasn't his day
He'd forgotten to zip up his fly!
We've heard of that fellow named Blight,
And his trip on that fabulous night,
But his increasing mass
Would have soon proved so vast
He'd have been a most *singular* sight!
Well, one year the poor woman struck
And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
"Oh, where has it gotten us
This goddamn monotonous
F*ck after f*ck after f*ck?"
When the Duchess of Bagliofuente
Took her fourteenth cavaliere servente
The Duke said "Old chappy,
I'll keep that c*nt happy
If I have to hire nineteen or twenty."
When our deficit descended to zero
Our minister was considered a hero.
He ascended the chancel
But decided to cancel
The sermon, and dance a Bolero.
When the judge, with his wife having sport,
Proved suddenly two inches short,
The good woman declined,
And the judge had her fined
By proving contempt of the court.
When asked by the Duchess at tea
If an eggplant I ever did see,
I said "Yes," rather bored;
She said, "Sir, you've explored
Up a hen's ass much further than me."
When out on the warpath the Siouxs,
March single file never by tiouxs,
And by 'blazing' the trees,
Can return at their ease,
And their way through the forest ne'er liouxs.
While Titian was mixing rose madder
His model ascended the ladder
Her position to titian
Suggested coition
So he mounted the ladder and had her
There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His farts to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine sereneda.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, Boom, er-tum, tootle, dum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass,
Bach's B-minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz,
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profunda with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the March Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft,
He suddenly coughed ...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His asshole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
There was a young royal marine,
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
When he reached the soprano
Out came only guano
And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
There was a young fellow named Fyfe
who married the pride of his life,
But imagine his pain
When he struggld in vain
And just couldn't get into his wife.
Now the trouble was not with our hero,
Who, though no match for Holmes or Nero
Had a good little dong
That was eight inches long
And as stiff as a parsnip at zero.
But his efforts to poke her, assiduous
Met a dense growth of hair most prodigious
Well, he though he might dint her
By waiting till winter
But he found that she wasn't deciduous
Now here was this fellow named Fyfe
Unable to diddle his wife
Which fact, sad, but true
Left him nothing to do
But bugger the girl all his life.
For diversion this might have been funny,
And, of course it did save him some money
But it angered our Fifey
To think that his wifey
Was hoarding her deep nest of honey
He went whoring to find satisfaction
But with whores, though accomplished in action
He never could capture
That fine fucking rapture
For the thought of his wife was distraction.
So here was our fellow named Fyfe
With a truly impervious wife
She was not worth a damn
Being closed as a clam --
Why, he couldn't get in with a knife!
The problem that harassed his soul
was: What kept him out of her hole?
Was her hymen too tough ?
Was she stuffed up with fluff?
Was her coosie the home of a mole?
This was just what poor Fyfe couldn't tell,
For her prow was as sound as a bell.
He'd have needed a gimlet
To get into her quimlet
And it made the poor guy mad as hell.
Fyfe searched for that chap from New York
Who had punctured the hymen like cork
But *he* was quite coy
For he now loved a boy
And refused to help Fyfe with the stork.
Fyfe asked Durand how much he'd charge
(The fellow who's cock could contract and enlarge)
To drill his way in
With his prick like a pin
And there make it slowly enlarge.
But Durand -- though he'd fuck with no urgin --
Warned "Apart from the risk that she'll burgeon,
Your pride must be low
If you'll meekly forego
A crack at a genuine virgin."
In the meantime, Fyfe's wife, who had wed
With *some* thought to the pleasures of bed
Was becoming depressed
In fact damn near obsessed
With her terribly tough maidenhead.
She remarked, "When all joking is done,
What I honestly want is a son.
I would like impregnation
If not copulation
But to wed and have neither's no fun!"
Thus she thought of synthetic conception
Which at first seemed like basest deception
But her cunt was so sore
From Fyfe's trying to bore
That she gave the thought better reception.
And indeed, thought it's sad to relate it,
Her first fuck was so sadly belated
That a poke with a pin
Though ever so thin
Was a prospect that made her elated.
To be brief, the great action was done
There was artfully planted a son
Through a bodkin that filled her,
And wonderfully thrilled her
More fun than a son of a gun.
This syringe, which was long but quite thin
Left a hole that Fyfe couldn't get in,
But he kept right on busting
And jousting and thrusting
On account of his excess of vim.
While she mused on this synthetic screw,
The sperm got well planted and grew
And the great day approached
When her breach would be broached
But Fyfe, the poor wretch, never knew.
One night, while in sheer desperation
He prodded and poked like tarnation
His wife groaned with pain
She gave way!! Would he gain
The goal of three year's contemplation?
The head of his dingus went in!
He felt sure he was going to win
He thrust like a demon
He split all his semen
And scraped off a square inch of skin
But despite all his trying he found
He was loosing, not gaining, his ground
Though he clung to her thighs
While he tried for the prize
Each push in caused a greater rebound.
The harder the poor fellow tried
The more her hold filled from inside
Till he fell back quite spent
His prick battered and bent
And a few minutes later he died
As he passed, a new life was begun
And his tomb tells how he was undone
"Shed a tear for poor Fyfe
His imperforate wife
Did him in with the aid of their son."
There was an old sarge of Dorchester
Who invented a mechanical whore-tester.
With an electrical eye,
His tool, and a die,
He observed each sore pimple and fester.
There's a man in the city of Dublin
Whose prick is always him troubling,
And it's now come to this,
That he can't go to piss,
But the spunk with the piddle comes bubbling.
There was a young monk of Dundee
Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
He said, "Pax vobiscum,
Now why won't the piss come?
I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
There was a young girl name of Dale
Who put her ass up for sale.
For a twenty buck ante,
You could feel her fanny,
And a fifty would get you a real tail.
Each night father fills me with dread
As he sits in the dark at the foot of my bed.
It's not that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks
It's the seventeen years he's been dead!
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
There was a young man from Dubarre
Who made love to a maid on the stair.
On the 21st stroke
The bannister broke
So he polished her off in mid-air.
There was a young coporal named Kildare
Who was fondling a girl in a chair
On the forty third stroke
The furniture broke
And his gun went off in the air.
There was a young lady from Madras
Who had such a beautiful ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
But grey, had long ears, and ate grass
A man with a fever so dire,
Had testes which burned like a pyre.
He was heard to exclaim,
As they put out the flame,
Good gracious me, great balls of fire.
Said the chemist: ``I'll take some dimethyloximidomesoralamide
And I'll add just a dash of dimethylamidoazobensaldehyde;
But if these won't mix.
I'll just have to fix
Up a big dose of trisodiumpholoroglucintricarboxycide.''
A Magdalen Dean of Divinity
Had a daughter who kept her virginity,
The Fellows of Magdalen
They must have been dawdling
'Twould never have happened at Trinity.
There was a young fellow of Trinity
Who ruined his sister's virginity
He rogered his brother
Had twins by his mother --
And now he's a Dean of Divinity!
There once was a guy named Dave
And to all the girls he did wave
While pleading for pleasure
His dick did they measure
And the finger was all that they gave.
There was a young lady of Durbar
Who swore that no man could curb'er,
But a man from Khartoum
Knocked the top off her womb
With a fifteen inch kidney disturber!
There was a young girl of Dumfries
Who said to her boyfriend 'Oh, please,
It will give me great bliss
If you play more with THIS
And give less attention to THESE.'
There was an old maid of Duluth
Who wept when she thought of her youth,
And the glorious chances
She`s missed at school dances,
And once in a telephone booth.
There once was a Senator from Mass
Who wanted a strange piece of ass
He lucked up and found it
But fucked up and drowned it
And now his future is past
There was a young woman of Sydney
Who could take it clear up to the kidney
But the thrust of Alphonse
Barely reached to her mons
So he left her unsatisfied didn't he?
There was an old man
From Peru, whose lim'ricks all
Look'd like haiku. He
Said with a laugh "I
cut them in half, the pay is
much better for two."
There was an old whore from Castile,
Whose favors were thought quite a deal.
But the men that she screws,
All start singing the blues
When their pricks start to blister and peel.
A naked hang glider named Cass,
Was practicing landings on grass.
But she sailed past the lawn
And landed upon
The sidewalk and scratched up her fundament.
There once was a lass from Wilts
She came walking into Scotland upon stilts
They said "Madam it's shocking
you reveal so much stocking"
She said "Yea, well how about those kilts?"
There was an old girl in Havana
Who slipped on the skin of a banana,
Whoops! Went her feet,
And she fell on her seat,
In a most unladylike manner.
Another old lady named Hannah,
Slipped on that same derned banana,
As she lay on her side,
More stars she spied
Than there are in the Star-Spangled Banner.
There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It's just as I feared;
Two owls and a hen
Three larks and a wren,
Have all built their nest in my beard!"
I sat next to the old lady at tea;
It was just as I feared it would be!
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply abominable
And everyone thought it was me!
There was an old man named Peach,
Who mislaid his pearly false teeth.
Laid 'em down in a chair,
Plumb forgot they were there,
Then sat down and got bit from beneath!
There once was a man from St. Paul
who's prick was incredible small
he got down on the rug
and screwed a bug
but the bug didn't feel it at all!!
There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies,
Under hot western skies,
The Puma had no sense of huma!
There was a young man named Sweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.
There once was a Barmaid from Saille
On her back tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind, for the sake of the blind
was precisely the same but in braille.
There once was a lady from Reno
Who lost all her cash playing keno
So she laid on her back
Opened her crack
And now she owns the casino!
There once was a man from Australia
Who had extra-large genitalia
He said to his bride,
Don't try to hide
'Cause wherever you go I can nail ya'
There was a young man who's dong
Was prodigiously, massively long
Down the sides of his whang,
two testes did hang
Which attracted a curious throng.
Said a diffident lady named Drood
the first time she saw a man nude,
"I'm glad I'm the sex
that's concave not convex
for I don't fancy things that protrude."
There was a hooker from Honchu
Who on peckers and penises did chew.
Said a friend, "Why don't you
Have them stick it to you,
Then you could enjoy the sex too".
There was a man from Havana,
Who thought he could play the piana
His fingers slipped,
his zipper unzipped.
And out came a hairy banana!
There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
There once was a man from Pompei
Who fashioned a snatch out of clay
The heat from his prick,
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away!!
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you'd guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
"Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you."
A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
"The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson."
Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night."
There once was a man named Mort,
Whose dick was incredibly short.
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said,
"That's not a dick it's a wart!"
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They screwed eighty ways -
Imagine such damn devotion!
There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
She was missing a tit.
She smelled like shit.
But think of the money he saved!
The sea captain's tender young bride
fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
that some of the eels
had discovered a dark place to hide.
Nick the prick had a forty foot dick,
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four foot four.
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."
There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!
There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."
There was a young vampire called mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.
There was a young man from Pitlocherie,
making love to his girl in the rockery,
she said look you've cum,
all over my bum,
This isn't a shag it's a mockery.
There was a young lassie from Morton,
who had one long tit and one short 'en,
on top of all that,
a great hairy twat,
and a fart like a six fifty Norton.
We all know that tampons are spongey
And oftentimes get rather grungy
But why they have strings
Among other things
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.
"You, choirboy!" ordered the pastor
"Bend over the pew for your Master!"
He said with a moan
As he slipped him a bone.
"Now just wag your tail a bit faster!"
Said the Abbot, "I'm not pleased one bit,
Brother Ambrose; that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe -
I just won't accept that sheep chit."
Goldilocks has lots of guys
Pinnochio's one, I'm advised!
She sits on the puppet
And sticks his nose right up it
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!
A hard-headed cabby named Peter
Was asked by a fare if he'd eat her.
He said, "It's not free.
I will only agree
To go down while I'm running the meter."
There was a young lady from china,
who had an enormous vagina.
and when she was dead
they painted it red
and used it for docking a liner.
There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Llama's are numero uno!"
There once was pervert named Manny
who stuck his long prick up his fanny.
Oh! What's this shouting about?
Seems he can't get it out.
He can't shit, he can't piss. It's uncanny!
There once was a man from Peru
Who was desperately hanging out for a screw.
He picked up a moll
And rammed home his pole
Then said, "Jesus, that was Long overdue."
To Stan, Ginger whined and then sighed
Her vibrator battery died
She got off instead
With ten minutes of head,
Then she gave Stan's old willie a ride!
There was a bleached blond named Dolores
Who had an unusual clitoris
It's location remote
Was deep in her throat
Where she douched with a touch of Lavoris!
Ginger from County of Dade
Said, "I think it's time I got laid."
"My vibrator can tingle"
"But it's not cunnilingual"
"And that's how orgasms are made."
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
Till he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
I don't mean to tarnish your cheer
But old Santa Claus is a big queer!
He fondles the elves,
Who pleasure themselves
With a bugger up old Santa's rear!
Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine
Now they call him the old cowpoke!
There once was this girl from Sri Lanka,
A dusky-skinned maid named Bianca.
Each day she would sit
And play with her clit.
She was an incredible wanker!
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire
She said: "It's a sin
But now that it's in
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke with a hand full of goo!
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
There once was a mohel from Minsk
Who saved all his customers' skinsk
Tho they looked odd in a jar
He was kinder by far
Than his zeyde, who made from them, a blintzk.
There once was a Jew from Peru
who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife screamed "oy vey,
if you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you"
Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
Hickory Dickory Dock
The tongue ran up the cock.
The man did smile.
It had been quite a while.
And his cock was as hard as a rock!
A bugger who buggered some sheep
Tried to bugger a ewe in her sleep.
She awoke with a start
And she ripped a great fart.
Now he's covered in shit three feet deep.
There was a man from Ka-bot
That lived on his boogers and snot
When he couldn't have these
He lived on the cheese,
That grew on his grungy old cock!
I heard that she would never say no
To oral sex. Just 10 bucks for a blow.
But when down on her knees
I said "Oh baby please
Move up, you're too low, that's my toe!"
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
The was a man named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
There was a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm.
"I think I can feel it---almost!"
Meat-rationing did not terrify Miss Davey,
She got married to a sailor in the Navy,
For she knew between his legs
He had ham and he had eggs,
A big weenie, and oodles of white gravy.
There was a young Scotchman named Jock
Who had a most horrible shock:
He once took a shit
In a leaf-covered pit,
And the crap sprung a trap on his cock.
There was a young lady from Natches
Who chanced to be born with two snatches
And she often said "shit
why I'd give my left tit
For a man with equipment that matches"
There were three young ladies of Birmingham
And this is the scandal concerning "em
They lifted the frock
And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming "em
Now the Bishop was nobody's fool
He'd been to a good public school
So he took down their britches
And buggered those bitches
With his ten inch Episcopal tool
Then spoke up the lady from Kew
And she said as the Bishop withdrew
The Vicker is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you
A worried young man from Stamboul,
Found red spots on the end of his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic:
"Get out of my clinic,
"And wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
A promiscuous man from South France,
Got green rings surrounding his lance.
Said the doctor, "Some screw!"
"There's nothing to do,"
except watch it rot into your pants!"
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