THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK CARD
(but sometimes you wish you could)
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by...
I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas,
I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."
"I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday,
so we're having you put to sleep."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out,
but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
You look great for your age...
"Congratulations on getting Married!
It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
"Sex with you is like using drugs.
Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time,
what say we call it quits."
"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you.
And miss you very much."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"
(available only in Arkansas)