DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
11. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
12. Aunts in My Pants
13. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
14. The Grinch's Ten Inches
The Dr. Suess Purity Test
Answer these and count your "No�s",
Pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we ask thee,
Score times two is your purity.
1) Have you done it on a boat?
2) Have you done it with a goat?
3) Have you done it in a bed?
4) Have you done it with the dead?
5) Have you done it in the ass?
6) Have you done it, high on grass?
7) Have you done it in the car?
8) Have you simply gone too far?
9) Have you done it on a beach?
10) Have you done it with the teach?
11) Have you done it on your back?
12) Have you done it strapped to a rack?
13) Have you done it in a box?
14) Have you done it with a fox?
15) Have you done it in a tree?
16) Have you done it with more than three?
17) Have you done it in the rain?
18) Have you done it til� you feel pain?
19) Have you done it �tween the tits?
20) Have you done it wearing oven mitts?
21) Have you done it wearing rubber?
22) Have you done it undercover?
23) Have you done it on a perch?
24) Have you done it while in church?
25) Have you done it with a virgin?
26) Have you done it with a sturgeon?
27) Have you done it with ropes and chains?
28) Have you done it with the insane?
29) Have you done it on a stage?
30) Have you done it underage?
31) Have you done it with all your friends?
32) Have you done it in both ends?
33) Have you done it with a dog?
34) Have you done it on a log?
35) Have you done it using clamps?
36) Have you done it til you get cramps?
37) Have you done it doggy style?
38) Have you done it on the bathroom tile?
39) Have you done it for all to see?
40) Were you diagnosed with VD?
41) Have you done it on Mother�s couch?
42) Have you done it with your mouth?
43) Have you done it on video tape?
44) Do you love to masturbate?
45) Have you done it on live TV?
46) Have you done it whilst you pee?
47) Have you done it at the gym?
48) Have you done it on a whim?
49) Have you done it on a dare?
50) Have you ever had an affair?
Green Eggs & Hamlet
I ask to be, or not to be.
That is the question, I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.
Would I, could I take my life?
Could I, should I, end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself before a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try self immoloition?
To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it end my angst and wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
I could drop a toaster in my tub.
Would all be glad, if I were dead?
Could I perhaps kill them instead?
This line of thought takes consideration
For I'm the king of procrastination.
The Heavan's Gate Nursery Rhyme
(my apologies to the late Dr. Suess...)
Written by: Jeffrey D. Warren
There was a cult named Heavan's Gate.
Those 39 they could not wait.
After Hale-Bopp it was too late.
That zany Mr. Applegate!
The UFO they said they'd find,
Trailed Hale-Bopp not far behind.
A crazier notion I've yet to find.
At what point did they lose their mind?
They did not die there in the hall.
They did not die against the wall.
It seemed that no one tried to stall,
Communal phenobarbitol.
It took no time to close their peepers.
The cops just thought they were deep sleepers.
My favorite part? Their new black sneakers!
Will Nike market them as "Air Grim Reapers"?
Now this is the part I really hate:
The testicles they did castrate.
I guess they made no plans to mate.
They could not even masturbate!
I guess when you figure death cannot wait,
There is no time to masturbate.
What?! No time to masturbate?!
Why would ANYONE join Heavan's Gate?!
This one belief they did all share:
For life on earth they did not care.
Their families thought it wasn't fair.
Hey, what was their f**ked up hair?
The media cannot help debate,
What caused them to direct their fate.
Was it Mr. Applegate?
Who cares? They were nuts! I think it's great.
I toast them with every vodka sip.
Now, who else wants that mothership?
One comes to mind - as I purse my lip.
I think Tim McVeigh earned a free one-way trip!
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