Oneliners Jokes

Oneliners Jokes

186,282 miles per second. It's not just a good idea, its the law.
A bird in hand is better then one overhead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.
A celebrity is someone who works hard to become famous, then
  wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A cold is both positive and negative.  Sometimes the eyes have it and
  sometimes the nose.
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A decision is what a man makes when he can't find anyone to serve on a
A diamond is just a lump of coal that made good under pressure.
A father is a banker provided by nature.
A fault recognized is half corrected.
A feature is a bug with seniority.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
A fool and his money are some party.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A girl is like a road. The more curves she has the more dangerous she is!
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A great idea needs landing gear, not just wings.
A hangover... the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A laugh is a smile that bursts.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
A mainframe:  The biggest PC peripheral available.
A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished 
  when he quits.
A man's house is his hassle.
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
A necessity is something you can get along without to buy something you
  simply must have.
A pen can be pushed but a pencil is better when it is lead.
A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.
A penny saved is just another damn thing for the cat to knock off of the
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
A pessimist is someone who breaks a mirror to make sure he lives another
  7 years.
A philosopher always knows what to do until it happens to him.
A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it will probably take 
  even longer to download...
A second class effort is a first class mistake.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
A small good deed is better then the grandest intention.
A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.
A sure-fire way to get your name in the paper is to walk across
  the street reading one.
A sure thing is something that cannot possibly lose....unless 
  you bet on it.
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A wink is an optical allusion
A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Access denied -- nah nah na nah nah!
Advice to worms:  Sleep late.
Advice for a happy marriage...never yell at each other unless
  the house is on fire.
After all is said and done, usually more is said then done.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
  than you did before.
Age isn't important unless you're a cheese.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
Alarm clock:  A machine that scares the daylights into you.
Alarm clock:  Something that makes people rise and whine.
ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY -- So what?  Who's in a hurry?
All computers wait at the same speed.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All people smile in the same language.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All things being equal, you lose.
All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare.
All wiyht.  Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
An archaeologist is a man whose career lies in ruins.
An authority knows lots of things you don't care about.
An egotist is someone who is always me-deep in conversation.
An error?  Impossible!  My modem is error correcting.
An expert has a great reason for guessing wrong.
An expert is one who has made every mistake possible, in a very narrow
An old axiom:  Do not argue with your wife while she is packing your
An optimist is someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going
  his way.
An optimist laughs to forget... a pessimist forgets to laugh.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
And above all, eschew obfuscation!
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have 
  nothing to play with.
Any atheist organization is sure to be non-prophet making.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is
  supposed to be doing.
Anything that can go wrong will.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Arguing with me just proves that I know more than you.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Assassins do it from behind.
Astronauts are out to launch.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Atheist... a man with no invisible means of support.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
  number of pens that person is carrying.
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
Avoid criticism -- say, do and be nothing.
A will is a dead giveaway.

Babies are god's opinion that the world should go on.
Baby philosophy:  If it stinks, change it.
Back Up My Hard Drive?  How do I Put it in Reverse?
Bad command.  Bad, bad command!  Sit!  Stay!  Staaay..
Bad Cop!  No donut!
Bad luck is being run over by the welcome wagon.
Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows.
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty is skin deep, but ugliness goes clear to the bone.
Beer bellies = great waist.
Behind every successful man -- a surprised mother-in-law.
Behind every successful woman -- herself.
Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Beware of dark rooms... they might be the morgue.
Beware of the light at the end of the tunnel.  It could be an oncoming
Blame St. Andreas -- it's his fault.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
Bore:  A person who has nothing to say and says it.
Boys will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted ... Cereal Port Not Responding
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Budget:  A method for going broke methodically.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Butterflies.  If you throw it.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
By the time a man finds greener pastures he's too old to climb the fence.

C:\> Bad command or file name!  Go stand in the corner.
Cache me if you can.
Can fat people go skinny dipping?
Can you remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
Cannot find REALITY.SYS.  Universe halted.
Cannot underestimate the power of fear.
Car service:  If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Careful planning will never replace dumb luck.
Careful!!... you may be the only bible some people ever read.
Carpenters are just plane folks.
Cats are Nature's way of telling you your furniture is too nice.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chicken -- the egg's way of making more eggs.
Children in backseats cause accidents -- accidents in backseats cause
Clones are people two.
Cluttered desk = cluttered mind / empty desk = empty ______?
Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
COFFEE.EXE Missing -- Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Cole's law -- thinly sliced cabbage.
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
Compassion is the basis of all morality.
Computer -- A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted:  Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
Conscience gets a lot of credit that belong to cold feet.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
Consciousness:  that annoying time between naps.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.
Cosmetics: A womans' means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Courage is fear that said its prayers.
Credit given if available...
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Cultivate happiness and it becomes a habit.
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
Curmudgeon's Law:  There is no virtue in consistency if you are
consistently wrong.
Cutting remarks don't cut any ice.

Dain bramaged.
Dangerous exercise -- jumping to conclusions.
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Death is nature's way of telling you that something's wrong.
Definition of an Upgrade:  Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Department of Redundancy Department
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Dictatorship (n):  a form of government under which everything which is
  not prohibited is compulsory.
Did you know diarrhea was hereditary? It runs in your jeans...
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
Difference between a house and a home -- a family.
Diplomacy -- the art of letting someone have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of giving others your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a rock.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Do unto others as though you were the other.
Do it today, tomorrow it will be bad for your health or illegal.
Do something unusual today.  Accomplish work on the computer.
Do unto others before they undo you.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Do your knees buckle, but not your belt?
Do you always hit the nail right on the thumb?
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when
  it's bad...
Does your back go out more than you do?
Doing nothing makes you tired 'cause you can't take a break.
Don't be a pain in the neck.  Someone may get a lower opinion of you.
Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be
Don't be mad about growing old, some aren't that lucky.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Don't bother hitting that key.  There is no escape.
Don't drink and drive -- smoke a spliff and fly.
Don't envy the boss.  Remember he's the one who has to get up early to
  see who comes in late.
Don't ever confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't get discouraged... no one is perfickt.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't let "Well Done" on your tombstone mean you were cremated.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't think you are on the right road just because it is a 
   well-beaten path.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Don't wait -- Postpone now!
Don't waste the whole day, laugh at least once.
Don't worry about getting old.  It's better to be over the hill than
  under it.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drive carefully, death is so permanent.
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
Duct tape is like the force -- there is a light and a dark side and 
  it holds the universe together
Dyslexics of the world untie!

E Pluribus Modem
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Early to bed -- makes you healthy, wealthy and boring.
Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
  happen to you the rest of the day.
Eat yogurt and get culture.
Electricians don't wear shorts.  They just fix them.
Eli Whitney's last words:  Keep your hands off my cotton pickin' gin.
"Elvis is my copilot."
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue ...
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Error:  Keyboard not attached.  Press F1 to continue.
Eschew Obfuscation
Ethernet (n):  something used to catch the etherbunny.
Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses 
  his head.
Even a clock that is not running is right twice a day.
Ever just seem to not be able to get around to procrastinating?
Ever notice how the toast of the town is usually the person with
  the most bread?
Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
Ever think about the fact that thorn bushes have roses?
Ever wish you had a copy of tomorrow's newspaper?
Every man has a scheme that absolutely won't work.
Every minute you are angry wastes 60 happy seconds.
Every problem can be solved, except maybe how to refold a road map.
Every time I get on a ferry it makes me cross.
Every time I hear the phone, it's ringing.
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Everything goes on sale... right after you buy it.
Everything going good?  You must have overlooked something.
Everything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors.
Everything hurts... and what doesn't don't work.
Everything coming your way?  You're in the wrong lane!
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Experience is recognizing a mistake the second time you make it.
Experience should be a guide post, but not a hitching post.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is not what happens to a man, it's what a man 
  does with what happens to him.
Expert -- knows tomorrow why today's prediction failed.
Expert -- anyone from out of town.
Extravagance is a word to describe how other people spend their

F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a drn!
Falling in love is awfully simple.  Falling out of love is simply awful.
Fact -- red lights always last longer then green ones.
Failure is never fatal and success is never final.
Fairy tales:  horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
Farmers are just plain folks.
Feel good?  Don't worry, you'll get over it.
Fellow with closed mind often has open mouth.
Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity
File not found.  Should I fake it? (Y/N)
First we make our habits and then our habits make us. 
Fish must be brain food, because they travel in schools!
Fish grow fastest between the time they're caught and the bar in port!
Fishing is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other!
Following the rules will not get the job done.  Getting the job done is
  no excuse for not following the rules.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For people who like peace and quiet:  a phoneless cord.
Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
Four years ago...  no, it was yesterday.
  Today I...  No, that wasn't me.
Freedom is doing what you like, happiness liking what you do.
Friction is a drag.
Friends are people you can be quiet with.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when You die, Your soul goes up on 
  the roof and gets stuck.
From Sharp minds come... pointed heads. 

Gambling is a great way of getting nothing for something.
George Orwell was an optimist.
Get even... with the people that have helped you.
Getting old has its advantages.  Your friends can come to your
   birthday party and warm themselves around the cake.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Given a fifty-fifty chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.
God did not create the world in 7 days.  He pulled an all-nighter 
  on the 6th.
God give us relatives, but let us choose our friends.
God is Alive!  Speak to Him!!  (It's cheaper after six!)
God made relatives -- thank God we can choose our friends.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness the poison.
Grass is nature's way of saying high.
Gravity brings you down.
Great beer bellies are made, not born.
Great minds discuss ideas; small ones, people.
Great minds like a think!

Handle yourself with your head, handle others with your heart.
Happiness isn't having what you want.  It's wanting what you have.
Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.
Have the courage to live -- anyone can die.
Have you tried on your smile today?
He was bred in Oklahoma, but around here he's nothing but a crumb.
He who buys a mobile home doesn't get a lot.
He who hesitates is last.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who knows all the answers never gets asked the questions.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He who slings mud, loses ground.
He who tells you how great he is usually isn't.
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  
  Now he's miserable and depressed."
Headline:  Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Hello, operator.  This is an emergency.  What's the number for 911?
Help!  I'm modeming ... and I can't hang up!!!
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Help Wanted:  Telepath.  You know where to apply.
Herblock's Law:  If it's good, they will stop making it.
Hidden DOS secret:  add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Home is the nicest place you will ever go.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Hooray for the songwriter who didn't stop at "Tea for One"!
Hot dogs are best when served with a ball game.
How can you avoid hurting someone's feelings without being a liar?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Humor is to life what shock absorbers are to an automobile.
Humorists... those who can talk sensibly about a controversy.

I always thought the light at the end of the tunnel was an oncoming train.
I am as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I am not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I am not flying fast, just orbiting low.
I am not hungry, I am not homeless, But-Will Work For Sex
I am off... to create madness and perpetuate mayhem!
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
I could tell that my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster 
  and a radio.
I don't care if I am a Lemming, I'm not going!
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't know the secret to success, but the key to failure 
  is to try to please everyone.
I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on disk somewhere...
I hear a ship carrying a cargo of yo-yos sank 142 times.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.  The people who live above me
  are furious!
I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.
I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back.  It was my
I need a new lawyer.  Mine got killed when an ambulance suddenly backed up.
I sat down to daydream yesterday but my mind kept wandering.
I think his/her gene pool is more of a puddle...
I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I vow to live forever or die trying.
I was engaged myself once.  To a contortionist.  But she broke it off.
I went to a general store and they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I worship the ground that awaits you.
I would explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I would sooner be notorious than unknown.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I wouldn't mind being poor if I had lots of money.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
Idealism increases in proportion to the distance from the problem.
If Alexander Graham Bell had had a daughter, he'd never have invented
   the telephone!
If anyone would like to raise Hell I'll be more than happy
  to put a prop under it.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If at first you don't succeed, deny you were even trying.
If at first you don't succeed, forget skydiving.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.  
If at first you don't succeed, try again.  Then quit.  No use being a
  fool about it.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get lots of advice.
If buffalos really had wings, I'd have to watch where I parked my car!
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.
If girls are made from sugar and spice, why do they smell like fish?
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given
  them teeth.
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have 
  had only 10 apostles.
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children. 
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If in doubt -- send money!!!!
If it is to be, it is up to me.
If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
If life deals you phlegm, make phlegmonade!
If nobody measures up, check your yardstick.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool 
  Who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are really
  good, you will get out of it.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?
If you can't judge a book by its cover, why are hardcover books more
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were
If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.
If you itch for it, scratch for it.
If you keep saying that things are going to be bad, you have a chance
  of being a prophet.
If you look like the photo on your driver's license, you aren't
  well enough to drive.
If you love life, it will love you back.
If you really look like your passport're 
  probably not well enough to go!
If you see an onion ring, answer it.
If you stand up to be counted....someone will take your seat.
If you think you have no faults, that makes one.
If you want to cheer up, cheer up someone.
If you've got part of it, flaunt that part.
If your teenage daughter wants to learn to drive don't stand in her way.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you were built upside down.
Ignorance:  When you don't know something and someone finds out.
I'm a clown.  That's my sole mechanism of defense.  Very few people 
  will go out of their way to punish a clown.
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
In case of fire... yell "fire!"
In Cyber-space, no one can hear you scream.
In some countries, "fundamentalist" is just a fancy name for a nutcake
  with explosives.
Individualists of the world unite.
Interchangeable parts... don't.
IRS:  We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is better to be wise then to be smart.
It is no longer correct to call people bald.  They are hairing impaired.
It is not the hours you put in, but what you put in the hours that counts.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how 
  he found out.
It isn't the whistle that moves the train.
It works better if you plug it in.
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
It's always dark if you don't open your eyes.
It's easier to do good than be good.
It's easy to suggest the solution when you don't know the problem.
It's hard to be humble when you are so perfect.
It's hard to be graceful getting off your high horse.
It's hard to fly with eagles when you work with turkeys.
It's not denial.  I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
It's not easy doing nothing.  You never know when you're done.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
It's not how deep you fish that matters.  It's how you wiggle your worm.
It's possible to have a mind so open that one's brains fall out.
It's sweet to be remembered, but cheaper to be forgotten.
It's trying not to appear poor that keeps a lot of folks broke.

Jealousy... all the fun you think they have.
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
John Doe was a nobody.
Judge people by what they are, not where they are.
Junk:  Something you need the day after you throw it away.
Jury:  Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Just because you're not paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Just do it -- all the other nonconformists are doing it.

Keep trying. Look at the man who put a hole in a Life Saver and made a mint!
Keep your FCC-ing hands off my computer.
Keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them.
Kin:  affliction of the blood.
Kindness is like a boomerang -- it always comes back.
Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.
Knapsack:  a sleeping bag.
Knowledge is knowing that you don't know.

Laetrile is the pits.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you.  Laugh at yourself, and they stare.
Laughter lubes life's engine.
Laughter... the no side effect tranquilizer.
Lawyers work in their briefs.
Leak proof seals... do.
Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control!
Lenin's tomb is a communist plot.
Let's go down the bar and be appreciative of women's bodies for them.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters.
Life's a bitch, then you die.
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
Life's like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less you
  notice the shit.
Life and liberty are safe only when congress is in recess.
Life is a horse, either you ride it or it rides you.
Life is like coin.  You can spend it anyway you wish, but 
  you can only spend it once.
Life is like a diaper -- short & loaded.
Life is only understood backward, but must be lived forward.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
Light at the end of the tunnel?  Look out for that train.
Live and learn, or you won't live long!
Living with a saint is much more gruelling than being one.
Loafer -- someone trying to make two weekends meet.
Loan someone a sympathetic ear.
Lobotomies for Democrats:  It's the law.
Look out for #1.  Don't step in #2.
Lose weight -- eat stuff you hate.
Lose weight -- put a scale in front of the 'frig.
Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.
Love is photogenic -- It needs darkness to develop.
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
LSD melts in your mind not in your hands.
Luck is my middle name...  mind you, my first name is Bad.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Mad at your neighbor?  Buy his kid a drum!
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
Maintenance-free:  When it breaks, it can't be fixed.
Make a living, but make room for life.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.
Many people have the gift of gab.  Some just don't know how to wrap it up.
May your liver never be mangled by a wild hippopotamus.
Maybe the grass is greener on the other side because there is more
  manure over there.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Men have many faults, women only two, all they say & all they do.
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Mental Block:  A street on which several psychiatrists live.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Minds are like parachutes... they only work when they're open.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money is like a promise, easier made then kept.
Money is the root of all evil, but man needs roots.
Money is the root of all wealth.
More hay, Trigger?  No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Most people raise their voice rather then reinforcing their point.
Mrs. Murphy's Law:  If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's
  out of town.
Musicians are just playin' folks.
My girlfriends dress is so tight and clingy, I can hardly breathe
My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.
My mother never breast fed me.  She told me that she only liked me as 
  a friend.
My opinions are those of my employer because I work for myself.
My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.
My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday.

Nature has given us two ears but only one mouth.
Nature will always side with a hidden flaw.  A $300 picture tube will
  blow to save a 10-cent fuse.
Never argue with a fool.  He may be doing the same thing.
Never argue with an idiot.  Someone watching might not be able to tell
  the difference.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a dinner hour.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 
Never hit a man with glasses... use your fist.
Never lie unless you have an awfully good memory.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never slap a child in the face -- there are plenty of places.
Never stay in a hotel with "vacant" painted on the side.
Never take life seriously.  Nobody gets out alive anyways.
NO CARRIER?  How about two frigates and a submarine?
No good deed goes unpunished.
No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
No matter how you slice it, it's still baloney.
No one can get ahead of you when they're kicking you in the rear.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
Nothing is all wrong.  Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows 
  what he's talking about.
Nothing is as hard to do as getting down off your high horse
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is sometimes the best thing to say.
Nothing makes a vacation seem better then hindsight.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning

Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Old age = you + 20 years.
Old age needs so little, but it needs that little so much.
Old frogs never die... but they do croak.
Old is needing a fire permit for your birthday cake.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old preachers never die.  They just lose their wind.
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One good way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
One lie or one peanut... one leads to another.
Only a ballplayer's errors are published every day.
Only adults have trouble with childproof bottles.
Only fools say it can't be done.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back & instead of bleeding, 
  he sings.
Opportunity only knocks, while temptation kicks the door in.
Over the hill ain't bad, if you can coast on the way down.

Parking lot:  A place where arguements start from scratch.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
PARTY ETIQUETTE: Never invite an arsonist to a "House Warming."
Pass the Word.  Eat a Bible.
Pedestrian:  Someone who found a place to park.
People should be measured in feats, not feet.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
People who live in glass houses...  don't have much of a sex life.
People who live in glass houses should get dressed in the basement.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't get stoned.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
People who spend too much time worrying about their station in
  life will often be told where to get off.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Pessimist:  An optimist with experience.
Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
Pilots are just plane folks.
Plastic packaged foods are very uncanny.
Please, Lord, let there be another oil boom.  I promise not to piss it
all away this time.
Plow a straight furrow and you're in a rut.
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Power does not corrupt fools, but fools corrupt power.
Practice makes perfect, but no one's perfect, so why practice?
Practiss makes perfict.
Pray for what you want but work for what you need.
Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
Press any key ... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Pride is what we have... vanity is what others have.
Procrastination -- the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Professional wrestling:  ballet for the common man
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Put your nose to the grindstone and you're a bloody fool.

Quoting one is plagiarism.  Quoting many is research.

Raise ducks for a quack profit.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Real joy comes from doing something worthwhile.
Reality is for people who can't handle fantasy!!!
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Reduce your I.O.U. to I.R.S with an I.R.A.
Remember:  Lefties are the only people in their right minds.
"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the
  one holding it"  -- Captain Combat
Remember one thing:  An optimist is never pleasantly surprised.
Remember the golden rule; those with the gold, make the rules.
Remember when the "gay nineties" had a totally different meaning?
Respect must be earned, not commanded.
Retirement certainly ruins Saturdays.
Roll up your sleeves... and you won't lose your shirt.
Rubber bands have snappy endings.

Say nothing & they think your stupid... talk & they know for sure.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Second chances aren't usually associated with first impressions.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Seen on a dump truck today:  "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
SENILE.COM found ... Out Of Memory ...
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  Yes is the answer.
Sex is the most wholesome, wonderful, beautiful thing that money can buy.
Shake any family tree and a few nuts will fall.
She's always late.  Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
She is just a bootlegger's daughter but I love her still.
She was just an electrician's daughter but she had all the right
She was just the coal miner's daughter but she had a mine of her own.
She was just the minister's daughter, but I wouldn't put anything past her.
She was just the quarry miner's daughter, but everyone took her for
She was only the chiropractor's daughter, but she was known in all the
She was only the coal miner's daughter, but she was nobody's fuel.
She was only the farmer's daughter but all the horse manure.
She was only the optician's daughter.  Two glasses and she made a
  spectacle of herself.
She was only the undertaker's daughter but anyone cadaver.
Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy?  Shell to DOS ...
Shin:  A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Short cut... the longest distance between two points.
Sign on baby's bib:  SPIT HAPPENS.
Sign seen in a veterinarian's office:  The doctor is in.  Sit.  Stay.
Silence cannot be misquoted.
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
Since blue and white are the international sign for handicapped, what 
 does that say about the Iowa license plates?(or Penn State, hehehe)
Sit in:  When you sit down to stand up for your rights.
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. 
Intelligence is not trying.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smile... things can always get worse.
Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to.
Snobbery is a shield put up by the mediocre to impress the
Solitude... a great place to visit, but a bad place to stay.
Some folks are not hard of hearing; they are hard of listening.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday.  I'd have
 preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. 
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
Some of us quit looking for work when we find a job.
Some people are educated beyond their intelligence.
Some people believe anything if you whisper it.
Some people aren't hard of hearing, but hard of listening.
Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.
Sometimes I wish that I was Jesus, but then I realize that if 
 I were, I'd be dead.
Sometimes let things happen but sometimes make things happen.
Sometimes my tongue gets caught in my eyeteeth and I can't see what 
  I'm saying.
Sometimes you get the elevator, sometimes you get the shaft.
Southern DOS:  Y'all reckon?  (Yep/Nope)
Stalin's grave was a communist plot.
Status seekers are people who buy big swimming pools, then can
 barely keep their heads above water.
Stepping on people's toes messes up their shine.
Strike a blow for justice -- punch an attorney.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Success has a thousand fathers, but failure is an orphan.
Success is not permanent, neither is failure.
Sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from Magic.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Sure fire diet, swallowing pride.
Swallow your pride, it is non fattening.

Tact -- changing the subject without changing the mind.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Tailgater -- one who makes ends meet.
Take an astronaut to launch.
Talk is cheap unless you hire a lawyer.
Tax forms should read "income owed us" and "in commode you."
Taxes:  a great topic for discussion at shooting matches.
Teachers have class.
Teaching a kid to stand on his own two feet does not obligate parents
to supply the shoes forever. 
Teamwork is vital... it gives you someone to blame.
Tell a child he got 1 right, not 99 wrong.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
The basis for optimism is sheer terror.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best device for clearing the driveway of snow is a kid 
  who wants to use the car.
The best thing about telling a clean joke is that there is a good chance
  that no one has heard it.
The best time to buy anything is last year.
The best vacations are spent near the budget.
The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right.
The bigger a man's head gets, the easier it is to fill his shoes.
The biggest thing wrong with the younger generation is that 
  a lot of us don't belong to it anymore.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it 
The cost of feathers is higher, that makes down up.
The darkest hour is only 60 minutes long. 
The difference between ideas and results is a good manager.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that 
  little extra.The early worm catches the fish.
The drawback of being the toast of the town is that all the
  people are trying to butter you up.
The first half of life consists of the capability to enjoy 
  without the risk, and the last half consists of the risk 
  without the capability.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The grass may be greener on the other side of the street, 
  but it still has to be mowed.
The greatest ability is dependability.
The greatest man in history was the poorest.
The greatest pleasure -- doing what they said couldn't be done.
The harder you work the luckier you get.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:  You can never be sure how many beers 
  you had last night.
The human race has got to be the slowest and most boring sporting event
  ever started.
The internet is full, go away.
The more you say, the less people remember.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
 everything that goes wrong.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
The length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom door you're
  standing on.
The less you have to do, the less time you find to do it in.
The likelihood of a letter getting lost in the mail is directly 
   proportional to its importance.
The longer you keep your temper the better it will get.
The market for toupees is thinning.
The maximum rate of promotion is achieved at a level of crises only 
  slightly less than that which will result in a dismissal
The more stupidity you put up with, the more stupidity you are going to get.
The more they're in a fog, the more people toot their horns.
The most solid stone is the lowest one in the foundation.
The name is Baud, James Baud.
The number of loopholes in any legal system is always greater than the 
  number of laws.
The number of theories that can explain any given phenomenon is infinite.
The only advantage of old age is that you can sing while you brush 
  your teeth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo.
The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings 
  to others.
The only short meetings are when no one shows up.
The only time to be positive is when you're positive you are wrong.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The only winner of the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
The optimist sees a doughnut.  The pessimist sees a hole.
The past always looks better than it was when it was here.
The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.
The past is not what it will be.
The past should be a mental springboard, not a hammock.
The perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home.
The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going
 to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday
The person who rows the boat generally doesn't have time to rock it.
The pessimist's answer to someone asking them how they are... "I'm fine
  but I'll get over it."
The picture of health requires a happy frame of mind.
The price of greatness is responsibility.
The price of liberty is eternal vigilance.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The required tool is probably out of stock.
The results of your IQ test were negative.
The reward for a good deed is to have done it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
The roar of the hotdogs, the smell of the crowd.
The rooster may crow but the hen delivers.
The rosier the news, the higher the rank of the official who announces it.
The sad thing is, people born with a silver spoon in their
   mouths seldom cause a stir.
The San Andreas fault is the most stable thing in California.
The secret of patience is doing something else in the meantime.
The secret to success is sincerity... and once you can fake it, you've
  got it made
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The shortest distance between two points is closed for construction.
The simplest explanation is that it just doesn't make sense.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most 
  amount of trouble is sex.
The trick is to stop thinking it is `your' money. - IRS auditor
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
The upper crust is a place where a lot of crumbs stick together.
The value of a technical article when first published is proportional to 
  the sum of the prestige of its authors but its ultimate value is 
  proportional to the sum of the subsequent references to it.
The way to get to the top is to get off your bottom.
The wise are pleased when they discover the truth; fools are pleased when 
  they discover falsehood.
The world is divided between victims and predators and you have to defend  
  yourself against both.
Theory is like mist on glasses - it obscures facts.
There are many ways to say "I love you," but fucking is the fastest.
There are more horses' asses in the world than there are horses.
There are more important things in life than having a little money, and one 
  of them is having a lot of money.
There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
There's nothing a fisherman can do if his worm ain't trying!
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
There is nothing wrong with chasing your might
  catch it.
There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
  boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
TIME FLIES...  When you're in a coma!
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
To get maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big mistake.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Today is the tomorrow we should have been planning for yesterday.
Too much celebrating has kept many people from becoming celebrated.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Unhappiness is in not knowing what we want and killing 
  ourselves to get it.

We have a dozen bingo halls in our town.  All the proceeds go to
 fight gambling.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
  reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
When I got home yesterday, my parents started throwing lettuces at me.
   And thats just the tip of the Iceberg.
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam.  I looked into the
  soul of the boy sitting next to me.
When in doubt, don't bother.
When in doubt, ignore it.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
  talking about themselves..
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When you soar like an eagle.  You attract hunters.
"Were you nervous about asking your father for a raise in your
  allowance?" "Nope. I was cool, calm and collected."
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Whether you think you can or you can't, you are right.
Wisdom has been defined as knowing the difference between pulling your
  weight and throwing it around.

Xerox does it again and again and again and...

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the 
  people some of the time, but you can't fool mom.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be
  misquoted, then used against you.
You'll never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the average 
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Your marriage may be in trouble if she addresses your birthday
    card to "Occupant."

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