In a Westlands jewelry store
Ears pierced while you wait.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer
Do not activate with wet hands.
In a Hindu temple.
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.
In a certain African hotel you may choose between:
A Room With A View On The Sea Or The Backside Of The Country
A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read:
Come Inside And Have A Fit
An advertisement for the National canine Defence League contains
this: "So if you want to know more about neutering and why it's
best for you and your dog, give us a call."
Albert's Family Restaurant in Edmonton.
"We apologise that our restaurant is not wheel-chair accessible.
However, we are proud that our other locations in Edmonton are.
For details, please inquire inside."
In a classified ad:
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
In a classified ad:
"Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."
In the window of a skin-diving equipment store:
"We carry a complete line of under ware"
"The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will
be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not
been altered the fee will be $1.50."
Appliance Store:
If you have hang-ups, you need one of our dryers.
Auto Repair Shop:
We specialize in Lemon-Aid.
Cabinet Maker:
The best Counter-Fitter in town.
Maternity Shop:
We provide the accessories after the fact.
Travel Agency:
Let us show you our bag of treks.
Water Bed Store:
Your vinyl resting place.
Wine Shop:
Come in and sip into something more comfortable.
Lately I've noticed several nicely painted panel-vans driving
around Seattle emblazoned with, in large type:
Northwest Center For The Retarded
Pick-Up Service
followed by a phone number and -- if this wasn't enough to
get you wondering -- in a yellow square below:
Frequent Stops
Well, Seattle's just that kind of town...
In the men's bathroom in Oxford Books, Peachtree Battle Shopping
Center, Atlanta, Georgia, written on the paper towel dispenser,
are the following words:
ANCIENT FOREST DISPENSER
TAILOR SHOP:
As ye sew, so shall ye rip.
DOG KENNEL:
Chock Full O Mutts.
LOCKSMITH:
Let me help you out or in.
MUSIC STORE:
Come in, pick out a drum, then beat it.
PUBLIC RELATIONS FIRM:
We'll never give your feat a rest.
SEA FOOD CAFE:
Our fish come from the best schools.
AGRICULTURAL SCHOOL:
We till it like it is.
GARDEN SHOP:
There's a fungus among us - let us spray.
FINANCE COMPANY:
In financial deep water? Loans made while you wade.
MOTEL:
Inn mates wanted.
BAKERY:
We discovered our roll in life.
CUSTOMS OFFICE:
Customs inspectors know their duties.
Near Ooty in India.
"Swimming, bathing, washing of clothes in these
crocodile-infested waters is forbidden.
Survivors will be prosecuted."
IN A LAUNDROMAT:
Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes
when the light goes out.
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly
bring it back or further steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE:
After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and
stand upside down on the draining board.
ON A CHURCH DOOR:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please
use side entrance)
OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
QUICKSAND WARNING:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council.
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days
will be disposed of.
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
Closed due to illness.
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
there is a day care on the first floor.
NOTICE IN A FIELD:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to
get lessons.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR:
We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door
- the bell doesn't work)
SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Hotel:
"Help!" We need inn-experienced people
Butcher's Window:
Pleased to meat you
Auto Body Shop:
May we have the next dents?
Sign in an office:
We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be"
Beauty Shop:
Dye now!
Garbage Truck:
We've got what it takes to take what you've got
Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte"
Restaurant Window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up
Bowling Alley:
Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop
Cafeteria:
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want
Music Library:
Bach in a minuet
Funeral Home:
Drive carefully, we'll wait
A Sign at a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Plummer:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a plumbing company Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber!!"
At a Tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
Hello, can we pick your nose?
Sign at the psychic's hotline:
Don't call us, We'll call you.
At A Laundry shop:
How about we refund your money, send you a new one
at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?
'Signed Customer Service'
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs"
Sign on a travel agency:
"Just go away."
Sign on a gate at a cemetary:
"No exit."
Advertisement for a Cemetery:
"People are dying to get in!"
Advertisement for the musical guest at a male strip club:
"Arthur Ross & his swinging organ."
Seen on a Holiday Inn in Hyannis Mass-
"Sleep with someone you know"
Seen on barn in Hooper, Utah.
"Is there life after death? Trespass here will find out."
At a home cookin' restaurant in Oklahoma:
"The best piece of chicken you'll ever get without
being a rooster"
A sign at a hospital for people with Hemroides, reads,
"All deliveries made in rear
Free wood for sale.
On the I-5 North freeway in San Diego, the California
Department of Transportation has kindly erected a sign
for the nautically challenged:
"Cruise Ships Use Airport Exit"
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA SPAY/NEUTER CLINIC
Department of Human Services
In this building you can smoke every other day.
Today you can't smoke.
Seen on the side of a tow truck:
We're on our tows.
On a Diner's billboard:
Eat here or we'll both starve.
In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
In a dry cleaner's emporium
"Drop your pants here."
In a veterinarian's waiting room,
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Painted on the side of a truck used to clean septic tanks
A Flush Beats a Full House.
On a Septic Tank Service
"Your shit is our bread and butter"
At a photoshop
Some day my prints will come
Sign in wallpaper and paint store:
"Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives."
Sign in a self-service elevator:
Eighth Floor Button Out of Order.
Please Push Three and Five Instead.
Found on a freshman's registration card:
Name of parents: Mamma and Papa.
Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.
The town hall is closed until opening.
It will remain closed after being opened.
Open tomorrow.
Out to lunch:
if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we
must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do
their best to keep them in order.
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not
be worth much but our petrol is.
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has
just left.
On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
"No Jumping From The Lift. Survivors Will Be Prosecuted.'
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby: WINDOW FRIGHTENED.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Girls: No Shirt, No Charge
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek):
"Caution: Road Slippery From Grapejuice"
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race:
Let's See Who Can Go Downhill The Fastest
Sign in King's Canyon in California.
"Slow Parking Ahead'
Seen on a restaurant menu in Honolulu:
"Thank you for coming at the New Tokyo Restaurant"
Sign On An Electrician's Truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
Maternity Clothes Shop:
We Are Open On Labor Day
Non-Smoking Area:
If We See You Smoking We Will Assume You Are On Fire And Take
Appropriate Action
On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push"
On A Front Door:
Everyone On The Premises Is A Vegetarian Except The Dog
Optometrist's Office:
If You Don't See What You're Looking For,
You've Come To The Right Place
Scientist's Door:
Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window:
We Really Know Our Stuff
Podiatrist's Window:
Time Wounds All Heels
Butcher's Window:
Let Me Meat Your Needs
Used Car Lot:
Second Hand Cars In First Crash Condition
Sign On Fence:
"Salesmen Welcome. Dog Food Is Expensive"
Car Dealership:
The Best Way To Get Back On Your Feet - Miss A Car Payment
Muffler Shop:
No Appointment Necessary. We'll Hear You Coming
At A Santa Fe Gas Station:
"We Will Sell Gasoline To Anyone In A Glass Container."
In A New York Restaurant:
"Customers Who Consider Our Waitresses Uncivil
Ought To See The Manager."
On The Wall Of A Baltimore Estate:
"Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted To The Full Extent Of The Law.
Sisters Of Mercy"
On A Long-Established New Mexico Dry Cleaners:
"38 Years On The Same Spot."
In A Los Angeles Dance Hall:
"Good Clean Dancing Every Night But Sunday."
In A Florida Maternity Ward:
"No Children Allowed."
In A New York Drugstore:
"We Dispense With Accuracy."
In The Offices Of A Loan Company:
"Ask About Our Plans For Owning Your Home."
In A New York Medical Building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On A New York Convalescent Home:
"For The Sick And Tired Of The Episcopal Church."
On A Maine Shop:
"Our Motto Is To Give Our Customers The Lowest Possible
Prices And Workmanship."
At A Number Of Military Bases:
"Restricted To Unauthorized Personnel."
On A Display Of "I Love You Only" Valentine Cards:
"Now Available In Multi-Packs."
In The Window Of A Kentucky Appliance Store:
"Don't Kill Your Wife. Let Our Washing Machine Do The Dirty Work."
In A Funeral Parlor:
"Ask About Our Layaway Plan."
In A Clothing Store:
"Wonderful Bargains For Men With 16 And 17 Necks."
In A Tacoma, Washington Men's Clothing Store:
"15 Men's Wool Suits, $10. They Won't Last An Hour!"
On A Shopping Mall Marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears Pierced"
Outside A Country Shop:
"We Buy Junk And Sell Antiques."
In The Window Of An Oregon Store:
"Why Go Elsewhere And Be Cheated When You Can Come Here?"
In A Maine Restaurant:
"Open 7 Days A Week And Weekends."
On A Radiator Repair Garage:
"Best Place To Take A Leak."
In The Vestry Of A New England Church:
"Will The Last Person To Leave Please See That The Perpetual
Light Is Extinguished."
In A Pennsylvania Cemetery:
"Persons Are Prohibited From Picking Flowers From Any
But Their own Graves."
On A Roller Coaster:
"Watch Your Head."
On The Grounds Of A Public School:
"No Trespassing Without Permission."
On A Tennessee Highway:
"When This Sign Is Under Water, This Road Is Impassable."
Posted On A Church (Near The Door Where People Pull Up To Drop
People Off):
No Parking. Cars Parked Here Will Be
Sold And The Money Used For Missions
On A Rural Virginia Property:
Trespassers Will Be Shot. Survivors Will Be Shot Again.
In A Local Fish Supply Store:
Shoplifters Will Be Killed And Eaten.
And
Unatended Children Will Be Fed To The Fish.
Some Shops That Carry This Sign:
This Week's Special Offer -
A Free Ride In A Police Car To Anyone Caught Shoplifting
On A Shopping Mall With A Fence Running Adjacent To A
Bordering Highway. A Large Sign On That Fence Declares,
"Absolutely No Signs On This Fence!"
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