Funny Signs

Funny Signs

In a Westlands jewelry store
  Ears pierced while you wait.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer
  Do not activate with wet hands.
In a Hindu temple.
  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
  dressed as a man.
In a certain African hotel you may choose between:
  A Room With A View On The Sea Or The Backside Of The Country

A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read:
  Come Inside And Have A Fit

  An advertisement for the National canine Defence League contains 
this: "So if you want to know more about neutering and why it's
best for you and your dog, give us a call."

Albert's Family Restaurant in Edmonton.
"We apologise that our restaurant is not wheel-chair accessible.
However, we are proud that our other locations in Edmonton are.  
For details, please inquire inside."

In a classified ad: 
  "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it." 
In a classified ad: 
  "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts." 
In the window of a skin-diving equipment store:
  "We carry a complete line of under ware"

  "The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will
be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not
been altered the fee will be $1.50."
Appliance Store:
  If you have hang-ups, you need one of our dryers.

Auto Repair Shop:
  We specialize in Lemon-Aid.

Cabinet Maker:
  The best Counter-Fitter in town.

Maternity Shop:
  We provide the accessories after the fact.

Travel Agency:
  Let us show you our bag of treks.

Water Bed Store:
  Your vinyl resting place.

Wine Shop:
  Come in and sip into something more comfortable.

Lately I've noticed several nicely painted panel-vans driving 
around Seattle emblazoned with, in large type:
Northwest Center For The Retarded
         Pick-Up Service
followed by a phone number and -- if this wasn't enough to 
get you wondering -- in a yellow square below:
         Frequent Stops
Well, Seattle's just that kind of town...

In the men's bathroom in Oxford Books, Peachtree Battle Shopping
Center, Atlanta, Georgia, written on the paper towel dispenser, 
are the following words:

  As ye sew, so shall ye rip.

  Chock Full O Mutts.

  Let me help you out or in.

  Come in, pick out a drum, then beat it.

  We'll never give your feat a rest.

  Our fish come from the best schools.

  We till it like it is.

  There's a fungus among us - let us spray.

  In financial deep water?  Loans made while you wade.

  Inn mates wanted.

  We discovered our roll in life.

  Customs inspectors know their duties.

Near Ooty in India.
"Swimming, bathing, washing of clothes in these 
crocodile-infested waters is forbidden.  
Survivors will be prosecuted."

  Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes
  when the light goes out.
  Bargain Basement Upstairs
  Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly
  bring it back or further steps will be taken.
  After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and 
  stand upside down on the draining board.
  This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. 
  (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please
  use side entrance)
  We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc.
  Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
  Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned.
  By order of the District Council.
  Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days 
  will be disposed of.
  Closed due to illness.
  Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
  For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
  there is a day care on the first floor.
  The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
  but the bull charges.
  If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to
  get lessons.
  We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door
  - the bell doesn't work)
  Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
  "Help!" We need inn-experienced people

Butcher's Window:
  Pleased to meat you

Auto Body Shop:
  May we have the next dents?

Sign in an office:
  We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left

At the Electric Company:
  "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.  
  However, if you don't, you will be"

Beauty Shop:
  Dye now!

Garbage Truck:
  We've got what it takes to take what you've got

Computer Store:
  "Out for a quick byte"

Restaurant Window:
  Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up

Bowling Alley:
  Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop

  Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
  Socks can eat any place they want

Music Library:
  Bach in a minuet

Funeral Home:
  Drive carefully, we'll wait
A Sign at a Towing Company:
  "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

  "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a plumbing company Pennsylvania:
  "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber!!"

At a Tire shop in Milwaukee:
  "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
  Hello, can we pick your nose?

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
  Don't call us, We'll call you.

At A Laundry shop:
  How about we refund your money, send you a new one 
at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?
'Signed Customer Service'

Billboard on the side of the road:
  "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs"
Sign on a travel agency:
  "Just go away."

Sign on a gate at a cemetary:
  "No exit."
Advertisement for a Cemetery:
  "People are dying to get in!"

Advertisement for the musical guest at a male strip club:
  "Arthur Ross & his swinging organ."

Seen on a Holiday Inn in Hyannis Mass-
  "Sleep with someone you know"

Seen on barn in Hooper, Utah.
  "Is there life after death? Trespass here will find out."

At a home cookin' restaurant in Oklahoma:
  "The best piece of chicken you'll ever get without 
  being a rooster"

A sign at a hospital for people with Hemroides, reads, 
  "All deliveries made in rear

Free wood for sale. 

On the I-5 North freeway in San Diego, the California 
Department of Transportation has kindly erected a sign 
for  the nautically challenged: 
  "Cruise Ships Use Airport Exit"

Department of Human Services

In this building you can smoke every other day. 
Today you can't smoke.

Seen on the side of a tow truck:
We're on our tows.

On a Diner's billboard:
  Eat here or we'll both starve.
In a restaurant window:
  Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
In a dry cleaner's emporium
  "Drop your pants here."

In a veterinarian's waiting room,
  "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!  Stay!"

Painted on the side of a truck used to clean septic tanks
  A Flush Beats a Full House.

On a Septic Tank Service
  "Your shit is our bread and butter"

At a photoshop
  Some day my prints will come

Sign in wallpaper and paint store:
  "Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives."

Sign in a self-service elevator:
  Eighth Floor Button Out of Order.
  Please Push Three and Five Instead.

Found on a freshman's registration card:
  Name of parents:  Mamma and Papa.

Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.

The town hall is closed until opening. 
It will remain closed after being opened. 
Open tomorrow.

Out to lunch:
  if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we 
must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do 
their best to keep them in order.

Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not 
be worth much but our petrol is.
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has 
just left.

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 
  "No Jumping From The Lift. Survivors Will Be Prosecuted.' 

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. 
Handprinted sign nearby: WINDOW FRIGHTENED. 

Guys: No Shirt, No Service 
Girls: No Shirt, No Charge 

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek): 
  "Caution: Road Slippery From Grapejuice"

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: 
   Let's See Who Can Go Downhill The Fastest 

Sign in King's Canyon in California. 
   "Slow Parking Ahead' 

Seen on a restaurant menu in Honolulu: 
  "Thank you for coming at the New Tokyo Restaurant" 

Sign On An Electrician's Truck:
  Let Us Remove Your Shorts

Maternity Clothes Shop:
  We Are Open On Labor Day

Non-Smoking Area:
  If We See You Smoking We Will Assume You Are On Fire And Take 
Appropriate Action

On Maternity Room Door:
  "Push, Push, Push" 

On A Front Door:
  Everyone On The Premises Is A Vegetarian Except The Dog

Optometrist's Office:
  If You Don't See What You're Looking For, 
You've Come To The Right Place

Scientist's Door:
  Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window:
  We Really Know Our Stuff

Podiatrist's Window:
  Time Wounds All Heels

Butcher's Window:
  Let Me Meat Your Needs

Used Car Lot:
  Second Hand Cars In First Crash Condition

Sign On Fence:
  "Salesmen Welcome.  Dog Food Is Expensive"

Car Dealership:
  The Best Way To Get Back On Your Feet - Miss A Car Payment

Muffler Shop:
  No Appointment Necessary.  We'll Hear You Coming

At A Santa Fe Gas Station:
  "We Will Sell Gasoline To Anyone In A Glass Container."

In A New York Restaurant:
  "Customers Who Consider Our Waitresses Uncivil 
  Ought To See The Manager."

On The Wall Of A Baltimore Estate:
 "Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted To The Full Extent Of The Law.
  Sisters Of Mercy"

On A Long-Established New Mexico Dry Cleaners:
  "38 Years On The Same Spot."

In A Los Angeles Dance Hall:
  "Good Clean Dancing Every Night But Sunday."

In A Florida Maternity Ward:
  "No Children Allowed."

In A New York Drugstore:
  "We Dispense With Accuracy."

In The Offices Of A Loan Company:
  "Ask About Our Plans For Owning Your Home."

In A New York Medical Building:
  "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On A New York Convalescent Home:
  "For The Sick And Tired Of The Episcopal Church."

On A Maine Shop:
  "Our Motto Is To Give Our Customers The Lowest Possible 
Prices And Workmanship."

At A Number Of Military Bases:
  "Restricted To Unauthorized Personnel."

On A Display Of "I Love You Only" Valentine Cards:
  "Now Available In Multi-Packs."

In The Window Of A Kentucky Appliance Store:
  "Don't Kill Your Wife. Let Our Washing Machine Do The Dirty Work."

In A Funeral Parlor:
  "Ask About Our Layaway Plan."

In A Clothing Store:
  "Wonderful Bargains For Men With 16 And 17 Necks."

In A Tacoma, Washington Men's Clothing Store:
  "15 Men's Wool Suits, $10. They Won't Last An Hour!"

On A Shopping Mall Marquee:
  "Archery Tournament -- Ears Pierced"

Outside A Country Shop:
  "We Buy Junk And Sell Antiques."

In The Window Of An Oregon Store:
  "Why Go Elsewhere And Be Cheated When You Can Come Here?"

In A Maine Restaurant:
  "Open 7 Days A Week And Weekends."

On A Radiator Repair Garage:
  "Best Place To Take A Leak."

In The Vestry Of A New England Church:
  "Will The Last Person To Leave Please See That The Perpetual 
Light Is Extinguished."

In A Pennsylvania Cemetery:
  "Persons Are Prohibited From Picking Flowers From Any 
But Their own Graves."

On A Roller Coaster:
  "Watch Your Head."

On The Grounds Of A Public School:
  "No Trespassing Without Permission."

On A Tennessee Highway:
  "When This Sign Is Under Water, This Road Is Impassable."

Posted On A Church (Near The Door Where People Pull Up To Drop 
People Off):
  No Parking. Cars Parked Here Will Be 
  Sold And The Money Used For Missions

On A Rural Virginia Property:
Trespassers Will Be Shot. Survivors Will Be Shot Again.

In A Local Fish Supply Store:
Shoplifters Will Be Killed And Eaten.
Unatended Children Will Be Fed To The Fish.

Some Shops That Carry This Sign:
  This Week's Special Offer -
  A Free Ride In A Police Car To Anyone Caught Shoplifting

On A Shopping Mall With A Fence Running Adjacent To A 
Bordering Highway. A Large Sign On That Fence Declares,
"Absolutely No Signs On This Fence!"

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