A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it?? A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet(sort of) A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. A kibble is one thousand nibbles. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. All generalizations are false. All men are idiots, and I married their King. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. Any given program costs more and takes longer. Any given program, when running, it is obsolete. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid. Avoid reality at all costs. Be fruit fly and multiple. Be good; if you can't be good, forget it! Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Being good at being stupid doesn't count. Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking. Born free...Taxed to death. Cautious: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Change a life; make someone feel important. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Clever is getting out alive. Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Conserve water - Shower with a friend Consider yourself hugged. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Cute and interesting are two different things. Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. Death is the consequence of being alive. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. Do unto others before they do unto you. Do we know that life has a cause? Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own. Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it. Don't drink and park - accidents cause people. Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. Don't let schooling get in the way of your education. Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it. Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent. Don't take me literally. Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. Don't use force; use a bigger hammer. Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway. Drive defensively, buy a tank. Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route. Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun. Everything is possible; just not too probable. Everything is unimportant in some way. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. Everything takes longer than you think. Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island. Excellent time to become a missing person. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way. Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it'll just take a moment to fix. Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded. Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy. For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Fun is just a point of view. Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Get out of my reality! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. Gravity always gets me down. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified. Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Have a nice day...somewhere else. Having a good time can be deadly. He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice. He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got. He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, (H-to-O) He who laughs last thinks slowest. Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Honk if you like peace and quiet. Horn broken. Watch for finger. How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing? How can I love you, if you won't lie down?" How can I miss you if you won't go away? Hugs don't feel as good on the computer. I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean. I brake for no apparent reason. I can handle pain until it hurts. I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane. I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. I just love nonverbal communication! I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know. I like quality, not quantity. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them. I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week somet I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying. i souport publik edekashun. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure I am. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way. I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble. I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic. I'm objective; I object to everything. I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick. I'm prepared for all emergencies. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life I'm serious; it was a joke. I'm surrounded by idiots! I've given up trying to escape from reality; they've changed the locks If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then. If all else fails, throw up. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. If it's not nailed down, it's fair game. If life's a trip, then where's my ticket? If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it? If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give? If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in. If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it. If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. If you can't be weird, why be? If you can't go first class, charge it. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored. If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week! If you understand something today, it must be obsolete. If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously. If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively. If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears. If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire. If I can't fix it, it ain't broken. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners. Imagination is the foundation of reality. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. In theory, everything works. In God we trust; all others must pay cash. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. It doesn't matter how hard you've studied; the material won't be on the exam It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow. It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. It's all a pigment of your hallucination. It's an IBM; it's got an excuse. It's bad luck to be superstitious. It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal? It's been Monday all week. It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. It's not just reality that matters. It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it. It's not when you get up, but when you get down. It's only a game until you lose. It's only hopeless if you walk away. It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be. IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you. Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way. Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers. Just take a cold shower and sleep it off. Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo. Keep that sense of humor; it's critical. Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans. Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Laugh at your problems, everyone else does. Laughter is the closest distance between two people. Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken. Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way Life is a terminal disease. Life is just one of those things. Life is recursive. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Life isn't weird; it's the people in it. Life without bears would be unbearable. Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful. Life's a beach, and then you drown. Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated. Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch. Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks. Little rivers which run into the Nile? Juveniles. Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind. Live teddy bears are best. Look out! Behind you! Looking to God for answers is premature. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Love isn't love until you give it away. LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer! Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime. Monday is an awful was to spend 1/7 of your life. Montana -- At least our cows are sane! Mother Nature is a bitch. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. My rules apply only to other people, not myself. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that. Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. Never eat more than you can lift. Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him. Never go into a hug off balance. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying) Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Never trust a nun with a gun. New with a K in front is a Canoe. Nice guys don't finish nice. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. No matter where you go; you're there. No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others. No radio - Already stolen. Nothing ever goes away. Nothing is as easy as it looks. Nothing is ever 100% Nothing is illegal until you get caught. Now that I've finally got my act together, I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it. Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake? Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy. Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? Paul Revere was a tattle-tail. People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do. Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns. Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Push something hard enough and it will fall. Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Reality is a figment of your imagination. Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. Reality is all a point of view. Reality is only fantasy gone stale. Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? Rehab is for quitters. Repetition is always better the second time. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. Save the whales, collect the whole set. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis ropinquus ades" Translation: If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated and much too close. Since when is talking a sign of thinking? Smile...tomorrow will be worse. Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Speak softly, but carry an M16. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! Support Cannibalism-EAT ME! Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates. Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones. The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. The more things change, the more they stay insane. The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. The pants were very sad, they were depressed. The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away. The shortest distance between two points is under construction. The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. The ultimate reason is "because." The unexamined life is not worth living. The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others. The world is coming to an end. Please log off. The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it. The 100% American is 99% an idiot. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes. There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes. They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a train They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid. Things get worse under pressure. Things will get worse before they get better. This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy. Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day. Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. Too much of a good thing is wonderful. Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Was today really necessary? We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? What you don't do is always more important than what you do do. Whatever it is -- I didn't do it! When all else fails, lower your standards. When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said `Not a bit.` When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well, last year I think it was Tuesday When in doubt, use brute force. When it rains, it pours. When things just can't get any worse, they will. When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Who said things would get better? Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G? Whoever has the gold makes the rules. Why be normal? Why should I grow up? This is more fun! Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems? Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining. You always find something in the last place you look. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. You can't be late until you show up. You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams come true. You can't fall off the floor. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. You know it's a bad day when... ... the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. ... the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. ... the sun comes up in the west. ... you jump out of bed and miss the floor. ... you put both contact lenses in the same eye. ... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. ... your income tax refund check bounces. ... your pet rock snaps at you. ... Suicide Prevention puts you on hold. ... when you jump out of bed and miss the floor. You're being followed; cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person. You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. You've gotta' die in creative ways. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. Your lucky color has faded. Your lucky number has been disconnected. Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere. Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type. 90% of everything is crud. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. |
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