From the LA Times. (no Foolin...it isn't April yet.) "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. The top ten scary things about this.... 10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!! 9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun. 8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle. 7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love." 6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums. 5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ." 4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth. 3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts." 2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this? 1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family. A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911. She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found this man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who was dead) the police made a closer inspection of the couch and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. After flipping the couch over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man would put his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between 2 ELECTRIC SANDERS (with out the sand paper obviously). According to the story, after he had his orgasm the, ahem, discharge shorted out the sander electrocuting him to death. BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy. LONG BRANCH, N.J. - A 51-year-old man seeking sexual gratification with a vacuum cleaner nearly bled to death when the machine cut off a half-inch of his penis, authorities said. The intoxicated man first told police that someone had stabbed him in the crotch as he slept, however, officers who responded to Monday's call for help instead realized the man had hoped to obtain sexual pleasure from the appliance's suction. What he didn't realize is that there's a blade in the vacuum cleaner right under where the hose attaches that pushes the dust into the collection bag. When the man, who was not identified by police, turned on the vacuum cleaner, the blade cut off part of his penis. Doctors at Monmouth Medical Center were able to stop the bleeding but were unable to reattach the severed part. Editor's Note: No word yet on whether he shouted out 'Eureka!' upon achieving fulfillment. Three clinical psychiatrists had a paper in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry entitled "Unusual Side Effects of Clomipramine Associated with Yawning," describing 4 patients who, while taking the the anti-depressant drug Clomipramine (brand name Anafranil) reported the unusual side effect of spontaneous orgasm every time they yawned. The first case of this was a female patient who had been depressed for 3 months, but under treatment "Complete symptom remission occurred within 10 days". She then asked how long she would be allowed to go on using the drug, since she had observed that every time she yawned she had an orgasm, and she was able to experience orgasm by deliberate yawning. Apparently it can work for guys too. One male patient said that while he found the repeated climaxes "awkward and embarrassing", he elected to continue the medication because of the therapeutic benefit he obtained. The awkwardness and embarrassment were overcome by continuously wearing a condom." Around five per cent of clomipramine users report the side effect, though for most people the drug inhibits the ability to reach orgasm. The New Scientist says that the drug's users have been comparing notes on the Internet and speculating on its unusual consequences: people who experience it would presumably seek out the most boring person they could find at parties. TERAMO, Italy - A truck driver who went to a brothel and asked for a highly recommended hooker was greeted by someone unexpected - his wife. The woman, a housewife by day, had been working as a call girl without her husband knowing as recounted by a Turin newspaper. The story said a friend gave the 35-year-old truck driver the address of an exclusive bordello in Teramo (in central Italy) and recommended he ask for a particular woman working there. THE LONG AND THE SHORT: According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches. Poor guy!! Completely erect and only 1 3/4 inches??!! HOTDOG HELPERS: The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the end of their penises to elongate them--sometimes to such a degree that the men literally have to knot them up--while the Mambas of New Hebrides wrap theirs in yards and yards of cloth, making them look up to 17 inches long. I have only one thing to say here~ OUCH! DOUBLE TROUBLE In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed. Why not...ya got 2 hands... SO LONG THE NIGHT: Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an average of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14. That's it?! FAST LANE: The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour. This gives new meaning to cries of "faster, faster!" COITUS SEMI-INTERRUPTUS: A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunctional because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night. People will do anything for money! LES LIAISONS DANGEREUSES: At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful orgasm. An Orgasm to die for I suppose. NOBLESSE OBLIGE: England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse. It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it could be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon. (a) who's pubic hair really grows that much?! (b) bows and ribbons?! In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic, while those not impressively endowed could, if they chose, wear a leather falsie called a braquette. Is that what they call strap-ons in Europe? MISSIONARIES TAKE NOTE: Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra. Hmm, hit the books because I can only think of about 15! GALLIC WAY OF DEATH: French President Francois Faure expired in a bordello in 1899 during the act of copulation, which so terrified his lady of the evening that her vagina constricted intractably, necessitating the surgical removal of the dead man's member. Both of those things just sound painful! JUST SAY HOWDY: When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each other, they shake penises instead of hands. Just picture this! PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway. And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting! "The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception? "But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any." A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste. "I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' " but attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure. "It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team. "And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom. "But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused? "The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant." As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another attorney. "With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this." "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'," a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been brought into the hospital's emergency department. "Most Pumpers use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "sticking the nozzle up their rectum and giving themselves a rush of air. Not only is that a sin against God, but it can be dangerous even for onlookers. Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it. So, under cover of darkness, he sneaked in. Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube into his body, and placed a 1 baht coin in the slot. Of course, he died instantly, but passers-by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight firework display and started clapping. We still haven't located all of him. "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to satan," he concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you." A woman arrested on prostitution charges spent 15 hours in the men's jail in Denver and had sex with two prisoners before deputies realized she wasn't a guy. The officer who arrested Jimmie Joe McGee thought she was a man, and so did jail guards, said Sheriff's Capt. Carlos Jackson. "We've had very effeminate-looking males come into the jail... including transsexuals and transvestites," Jackson said. "Those are things that contributed to the mistake." McGee, 38, said she willingly had sex with two prisoners, one of whom was a friend. There was no indication that she charged them. Her attitude toward being locked up with the men was "nonchalant," Jackson said, adding that no disciplinary action was planned. Wouldn't be surprised if the lights are turned off, though. The red lights, at least. PROSTITUTES CAST OFF FRENCH UNDIES: The trade association of legal prostitutes in Canberra, Australia, announced in August that it would launch a boycott of French underwear, hosiery and cosmetics in order to punch France for resuming nuclear-weapons testing in the South Pacific, and prostitute groups in Melbourne and Sydney may soon follow suit. Also, Australia's largest chain of adult sex shops and cinemas has taken all French products off its shelves. Residents of Bexley, Ohio, and affluent suburb of Columbus, dropped their campaign against a porno theater when they learned the alternative was a McDonald's. The McDonald's is going in anyway. A mysterious ticking from a suitcase prompted an evacuation from the Springfield, Mass., train station. The noise came from a vibrating sex toy. A Paris high-school philosophy teacher told his students that each time they stumped him with a riddle he would shed a piece of clothing. They were a bit too good at the game -- he was left standing naked before his class. School officials suspended him. To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up post-coitus cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment. Prostitutes in Zimbabwe have raised their rates by 67 percent and told housewives to give their husbands more money to spend on their services. A Springfield, Mo., cable company broadcast explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel over the Cartoon Network for several minutes -- while the audio played the voices of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble. |
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