Sex In The News

Sex In The News



   From the LA Times. (no Foolin...it isn't April yet.) 
 "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was 
only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused 
doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.  
  Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had 
been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had 
gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and 
slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki 
shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to 
retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into 
the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." 
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what 
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and 
a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and 
severely burning his face.  It also set fire to the gerbil's fur 
and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further 
up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from 
the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second 
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

      The top ten scary things about this....  

10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ."   Ouch!!!

9)  "So I peered into the tube . . ."  Aaaaaahhhhhhh.  I'm sorry, 
    but that's like looking through a telescope into hell.  I'd 
    rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8)  That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) 
    being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel 
    on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7)  Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
    someone's anus.  I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said
    gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's
    "tunnel of love." 

6)  People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
    their rectums.

5)  People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
    doing when taken to the emergency room.  Sorry, but I think I 
    would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, 
    anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with 
    a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth.  Call me old 
    fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and 
    saying "Well doc, it's like this.  See we have this gerbil 
    named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."

4)  "First and second degree burns to the anus".  Wouldn't this 
    make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome 
    relief?  How does one ever take a healthy poop after something 
    like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top 
    five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3)  People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
    "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2)  What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1)  This happened in Salt Lake City.  What kind of people are those
    Mormons?  I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond 
    family.



  A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911.
She had no details before arriving except that someone was reporting
that his father was not breathing.
  Upon arrival, the officer found this man face down on the couch, 
naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start 
CPR if necessary she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After 
the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who was dead) the police
made a closer inspection of the couch and noticed that the man had 
made a hole between the cushions. After flipping the couch over they
discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man would put his 
penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between 2 ELECTRIC
SANDERS (with out the sand paper obviously). According to the story,
after he had his orgasm the, ahem, discharge shorted out the sander 
electrocuting him to death.



BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging 
in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on
his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. 
Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and 
testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a 
half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering
the dog and Christopher with perfume.
  Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to 
get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, 
Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis 
was in a styrofoam ice cooler.
  "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours
reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to
be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been
excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its
being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se
is minimal It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands
an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this."
  Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.



  LONG BRANCH, N.J. - A 51-year-old man seeking sexual 
gratification with a vacuum cleaner nearly bled to death when 
the machine cut off a half-inch of his penis, authorities said. 
The intoxicated man first told police that someone had stabbed 
him in the crotch as he slept, however, officers who responded 
to Monday's call for help instead realized the man had hoped to 
obtain sexual pleasure from the appliance's suction. What he 
didn't realize is that there's a blade in the vacuum cleaner 
right under where the hose attaches that pushes the dust into 
the collection bag. When the man, who was not identified by 
police, turned on the vacuum cleaner, the blade cut off part 
of his penis.  Doctors at Monmouth Medical Center were able to 
stop the bleeding but were unable to reattach the severed part. 

Editor's Note:  No word yet on whether he shouted out 'Eureka!'
                upon achieving fulfillment.



  Three clinical psychiatrists had a paper in the Canadian Journal 
of Psychiatry entitled "Unusual Side Effects of Clomipramine Associated
with Yawning," describing 4 patients who, while taking the the 
anti-depressant drug Clomipramine (brand name Anafranil) reported the 
unusual side effect of spontaneous orgasm every time they yawned. 
The first case of this was a female patient who had been depressed for 
3 months, but under treatment "Complete symptom remission occurred
within 10 days". She then asked how long she would be allowed to go on 
using the drug, since she had observed that every time she yawned she 
had an orgasm, and she was able to experience orgasm by deliberate 
yawning.  Apparently it can work for guys too. One male patient said 
that while he found the repeated climaxes "awkward and embarrassing", 
he elected to continue the medication because of the therapeutic benefit 
he obtained. The awkwardness and embarrassment were overcome by 
continuously wearing a condom."  Around five per cent of clomipramine 
users report the side effect, though for most people the drug inhibits 
the ability to reach orgasm. The New Scientist says that the drug's 
users have been comparing notes on the Internet and speculating on its 
unusual consequences: people who experience it would presumably seek 
out the most boring person they could find at parties.



  TERAMO, Italy - A truck driver who went to a brothel
and asked for a highly recommended hooker was greeted
by someone unexpected - his wife.
  The woman, a housewife by day, had been working as a
call girl without her husband knowing as recounted by 
a Turin newspaper.
  The story said a friend gave the 35-year-old truck driver
the address of an exclusive bordello in Teramo (in central 
Italy) and recommended he ask for a particular woman 
working there.



THE LONG AND THE SHORT:
   According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record
measures 13 inches.  The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches. Poor guy!! 
Completely erect and only 1 3/4 inches??!!  

HOTDOG HELPERS:
   The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the end of
their penises to elongate them--sometimes to such a degree that the
men literally have to knot them up--while the Mambas of New Hebrides
wrap theirs in yards and yards of cloth, making them look up to 17
inches long. I have only one thing to say here~ OUCH!

DOUBLE TROUBLE
   In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two
penises.  Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men
similarly endowed. Why not...ya got 2 hands...

SO LONG THE NIGHT:
   Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love 
an average of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, 
when the weekly average drops to a mere 14. That's it?!

FAST LANE:
   The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to
brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour. This gives new meaning to 
cries of "faster, faster!"

COITUS SEMI-INTERRUPTUS:
   A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars,
claiming their sex life is now dysfunctional because an employee 
mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night. People will do 
anything for money!

LES LIAISONS DANGEREUSES:
   At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to
lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful 
orgasm.  An Orgasm to die for I suppose.

NOBLESSE OBLIGE:
   England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special
table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse.
   It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth
century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible  so it could
be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon.
(a) who's pubic hair really grows that much?!  (b) bows and ribbons?!

In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were permitted
to display their genitals below a short tunic, while those not
impressively endowed could, if they chose, wear a leather falsie
called a braquette.
Is that what they call strap-ons in Europe?

MISSIONARIES TAKE NOTE:
   Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would
take the typical American couple more than four years to try every 
one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.
Hmm, hit the books because I can only think of about 15!

GALLIC WAY OF DEATH:
   French President Francois Faure expired in a bordello in 1899
during the act of copulation, which so terrified his lady of the
evening that her vagina constricted intractably, necessitating the
surgical removal of the dead man's member.
Both of those things just sound painful!

JUST SAY HOWDY:
   When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each other, 
they shake penises instead of hands. Just picture this!



PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a
popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast
and got pregnant anyway.
And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an
excellent chance of collecting! "The woman is a complete idiot,"
said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright
can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?
"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false
advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of
noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we
waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help
our public relations any."
A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked
and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she
has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the
spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because
they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste.
"I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why
can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "
but attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by
implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for
the hardship the woman will have to endure.
"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who
was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.
"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food
section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used
vaginally with a condom.
"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days -
especially when you're sexually aroused?
"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy
shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it
that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."
As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the
lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits,"
said another attorney.
"With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups,
the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal
action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."





  "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 
'Pumping'," a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told 
reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the 
cream of Thailand's manhood."
  He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai 
Puanmuangpak had been brought into the hospital's emergency 
department. 
  "Most Pumpers use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, 
"sticking the nozzle up their rectum and giving themselves a 
rush of air. Not only is that a sin against God, but it can be 
dangerous even for onlookers. Charnchai took it further still. 
He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't 
exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was 
going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. 
They dared him to do it. So, under cover of darkness, he sneaked 
in. Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the 
tube into his body, and placed a 1 baht coin in the slot. Of 
course, he died instantly, but passers-by are still in shock. 
One woman thought she was watching a twilight firework display 
and started clapping. We still haven't located all of him.
  "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to 
satan," he concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but hide 
your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."



  A woman arrested on prostitution charges spent 15 hours in
the men's jail in Denver and had sex with two prisoners before 
deputies realized she wasn't a guy.
  The officer who arrested Jimmie Joe McGee thought she was a man, 
and so did jail guards, said Sheriff's Capt. Carlos Jackson.
  "We've had very effeminate-looking males come into the jail... 
including transsexuals and transvestites," Jackson said.  "Those 
are things that contributed to the mistake."
  McGee, 38, said she willingly had sex with two prisoners, one of 
whom was a friend.  There was no indication that she charged them.
Her attitude toward being locked up with the men was "nonchalant," 
Jackson said, adding that no disciplinary action was planned.
  Wouldn't be surprised if the lights are turned off, though.  
The red lights, at least.



  PROSTITUTES CAST OFF FRENCH UNDIES:
  The trade association of legal prostitutes in Canberra,
Australia, announced in August that it would launch a boycott  
of French underwear, hosiery and cosmetics in order to punch  
France for  resuming nuclear-weapons testing in the South  
Pacific,  and prostitute  groups in Melbourne and Sydney may 
soon follow  suit.
  Also,  Australia's largest chain of adult sex shops and  
cinemas has taken all French products off its shelves.



  Residents of Bexley, Ohio, and affluent suburb of Columbus, 
dropped their campaign against a porno theater when they 
learned the alternative was a McDonald's.  The McDonald's 
is going in anyway.



  A mysterious ticking from a suitcase prompted an evacuation 
from the Springfield, Mass., train station.  The noise came 
from a vibrating sex toy.



  A Paris high-school philosophy teacher told his students that 
each time they stumped him with a riddle he would shed a piece 
of clothing.  They were a bit too good at the game -- he was 
left standing naked before his class.  School officials suspended 
him.



  To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria 
who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged 
in oral sex and then moved onto intercourse, but complained when 
they lit up post-coitus cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.



  Prostitutes in Zimbabwe have raised their rates by 67 percent 
and told housewives to give their husbands more money to spend 
on their services.



  A Springfield, Mo., cable company broadcast explicit sex scenes 
from the Playboy Channel over the Cartoon Network for several 
minutes -- while the audio played the voices of Fred Flintstone 
and Barney Rubble.






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