Medical Stories

Medical Stories

Just a few stories from our Emergency Rooms to prove  
that fact is stranger than fiction.

  TAOS, NM -A woman went to a poison control center after eating three
birth-control vaginal inserts.  Her English was so bad she had to draw
a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself.
  A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' 
suspicions.  Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of
candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third
one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began 
to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center,
only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from
her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

  La Grange, GA -Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum.
  "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must
have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against
the dog and sat down right on the thing"
  The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the 
cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion.
  "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis 
Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying 
himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time,
he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the
time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine 
in there".

 - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after 
an attempted suicide.  The man had swallowed several
nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka.  When asked
about the bruises about his head and chest he said
that they were from him ramming himself into the wall 
in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

 - A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a
complaint of mild abdominal pain.  During a pelvic
exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a
whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then
safety-pinned her labia shut.  Unable to have a child
she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a

  - A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on
himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER.
The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans
genitalia if it was recovered and in good condition.  
The police were dispatched to the man's house and the 
search was on.  During the search one of the officers 
heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that 
was sitting in the corner.  After a brief fight the 
officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from 
the dog's mouth.  After inspection of the parts by 
the urologist it was decided that the man would need 
to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what 
I mean)  The officer was given a commendation from 
his precinct for medical assistance.

  - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed 
approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a 
tarp by six firemen.  While trying to undress the 
lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds
under her arm.  After an X-ray showed a round mass
on the left side of her chest her massive left breast
was lifted to find a shiny new dime.  And last but not
least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was
discovered in one of the folds of her crotch.  She
became known as "The Human Couch".

  - A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to 
a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in
the process of giving birth.  Wanting to tell the woman
to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this
the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
had to be restrained.  What the doctor should have
been saying was "Puja!" (Push!)  Instead he was
saying,  "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

  - A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with
some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his 
rectum.  Unable to get it out on his own he showed up 
at the ER for some assistance.  All he was given was 
some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he 
would eventually poop it out.  On his way out one of 
the  nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. We're
having a Butt-luck supper". (How embarrassing is that!)

  - An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the
ER with cocaine induced seizures.  As a nurse pulled
back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed
through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly
folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin 
fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, 
the nurse gave him  back his belongings and told 
him where she had found the money.
His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

  - An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I
got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting).  A
pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six
inch vine growing out of her vagina.  Further
inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal
vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like 
a potato.  It was, indeed, a potato.  The patient said 
that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a 
potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
 - The most nonemergent ER visit:  A male adolescent
came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

  - A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal 
pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied 
being sexually active.  The doctor gave her a pregnancy 
test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went 
back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came
back positive.  Are you sure you're not sexually
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"

  - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest 
at home and was rushed to the hospital.  After about
thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts
the old lady was pronounced dead.  The doctor went to 
tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother
didn't make it. "Didn't make it?  Where could they be?  
She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

   - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with 
his mother sitting next to him.  The boy was coming 
down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with needles he had been
sharing with his friends.  Concerned about this the
doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS.  The
boy thought for a while then said questioningly,
"I've been fucking the dog?"

  - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the
ER.  She said that she and her boyfriend were having
sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to
retrieve it with her fingers. "I went to the bathroom &
"gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

 - One day a women walked in and told the doctors, "I gots
a rats in my pussy."  The doctors were obviously rather 
curious, and so they asked what she meant. The woman 
expounded, "I gots a rats in my pussy. Every time my
boyfriend stick his dick in me, it bits him!" They took 
the woman in for surgery and found that a surgical needle
had been left inside of her from a previous operation. 
Hence, "I gots a rats in my pussy!"

 - My brother's Psychology teacher did some time working in 
a hospital at night to help get his medical degree. (Yes, 
Psychiatrists have medical degrees too.) One night he walks 
in and sees a bunch of doctors crowding around a closed door, 
putting their ears to it. He walked up and asked them what 
they where doing.
  "Shhhh," one whispered, "listen to this." 
  The guy put his ear to the door and heard a constant soft 
humming coming from inside.
  "What is that?" He asked.
  "Look." The doctor said, and he cracked the door a little bit. 
Inside was a man sitting on a birthing table with his legs spread 
like he was about to give birth. His wife was there with him, 
holding his hand and encouraging him. It almost looked like they 
had their roles reversed. The doctor closed the door and brought 
the teacher a little bit down the hall.
  "They where getting a little rowdy in their love-making earlier 
tonight," said the doctor, "and I guess the woman was using a 
vibrator on the guy. Well, somehow it slipped out of her hand and 
slid its way up his anus. But it was vibrating so much that it kept 
moving its way upward. It got up high enough that the sphincter 
valve closed behind it, thus blocking the man from just "forcing" 
it out naturally."
  They tried to get it out with forceps, but the vibrating made it 
impossible to get a firm grip on. So they just had to sit and wait 
for the batteries to wear out, then remove it with forceps.

  Medical researchers recording cases in which items were recovered 
from the rectums of patients reported 700 items from 200 patients:  
The items included: a live, shaved, declawed gerbil, a bottle of 
Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an Ax handle, a 9-inch zucchini, a 14-
inch vibrator with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2-
inch water bottle, a Coke Bottle, a 3-1/2inch Japanese Float ball, 
an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-Watt light bulb, a 
screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72 jewelers saws (all from the same 
patient, 29 at one time), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a 
plastic toothbrush package, a frozen pig's tail (which got stuck 
after it thawed), a 10-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch 
umbrella handle, a banana encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, 
a whisky bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a 6 by 5-
inch tool box (weighing 22 ounces), a 6-inch stone weighing two-
pounds, a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut 
butter jar, a flashlight, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled 
egg, several tumblers and glasses, a file, a polyethylene waste trap 
from the U-Bend of a sink, and a carborundum grindstone handle.

Working in a hospital, I've seen and heard a few stories from the
Emergency room. One time a 24 year ond came in with a pencil stuck 
up his dick. (must be painful). Needless to say he was not asked to 
sign any medical forms.

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