Just a few stories from our Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction. TAOS, NM -A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects. La Grange, GA -Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing" The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there". - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. - A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have a child she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby. - A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it was recovered and in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance. - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch". - A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!" - A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. We're having a Butt-luck supper". (How embarrassing is that!) - An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!" - An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. - The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. - A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?" - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?" - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "I went to the bathroom & "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either." - One day a women walked in and told the doctors, "I gots a rats in my pussy." The doctors were obviously rather curious, and so they asked what she meant. The woman expounded, "I gots a rats in my pussy. Every time my boyfriend stick his dick in me, it bits him!" They took the woman in for surgery and found that a surgical needle had been left inside of her from a previous operation. Hence, "I gots a rats in my pussy!" - My brother's Psychology teacher did some time working in a hospital at night to help get his medical degree. (Yes, Psychiatrists have medical degrees too.) One night he walks in and sees a bunch of doctors crowding around a closed door, putting their ears to it. He walked up and asked them what they where doing. "Shhhh," one whispered, "listen to this." The guy put his ear to the door and heard a constant soft humming coming from inside. "What is that?" He asked. "Look." The doctor said, and he cracked the door a little bit. Inside was a man sitting on a birthing table with his legs spread like he was about to give birth. His wife was there with him, holding his hand and encouraging him. It almost looked like they had their roles reversed. The doctor closed the door and brought the teacher a little bit down the hall. "They where getting a little rowdy in their love-making earlier tonight," said the doctor, "and I guess the woman was using a vibrator on the guy. Well, somehow it slipped out of her hand and slid its way up his anus. But it was vibrating so much that it kept moving its way upward. It got up high enough that the sphincter valve closed behind it, thus blocking the man from just "forcing" it out naturally." They tried to get it out with forceps, but the vibrating made it impossible to get a firm grip on. So they just had to sit and wait for the batteries to wear out, then remove it with forceps. Medical researchers recording cases in which items were recovered from the rectums of patients reported 700 items from 200 patients: The items included: a live, shaved, declawed gerbil, a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an Ax handle, a 9-inch zucchini, a 14- inch vibrator with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2- inch water bottle, a Coke Bottle, a 3-1/2inch Japanese Float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-Watt light bulb, a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72 jewelers saws (all from the same patient, 29 at one time), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, a frozen pig's tail (which got stuck after it thawed), a 10-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle, a banana encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whisky bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a 6 by 5- inch tool box (weighing 22 ounces), a 6-inch stone weighing two- pounds, a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, a flashlight, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, several tumblers and glasses, a file, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-Bend of a sink, and a carborundum grindstone handle. Working in a hospital, I've seen and heard a few stories from the Emergency room. One time a 24 year ond came in with a pencil stuck up his dick. (must be painful). Needless to say he was not asked to sign any medical forms. |
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