Headlines

Headlines



Really, Really Bad Headlines


Grandmas Head to Meet Elian

Methodists Clear 69 Ministers in Lesbian Wedding"

Coke Officially Names Daft CEO

Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit 
are women, up from almost none a year ago.

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee

March Planned For Next August 

Blind Bishop Appointed To See 

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip 

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide 
 
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through 

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. 

Diaper Market Bottoms Out 

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal" 

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest 

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped 

Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters 

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based 
 
Antique Stripper To Display Wares At Store 

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice 

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 

Fund Set Up For Beating Victim's Kin 
 
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man 

Nicaragua Sets Goal To Wipe Out Literacy 
 
Autos Killing 110 A Day--Let's Resolve To Do Better 
 
20-Year Friendship Ends At Altar 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While 

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 

Half Of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study For Graduation 

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
 
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out

Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs

Governor's Penis Busy [Should Be "Pen Is"]

Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son

Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands

Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position

Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal

Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow

Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax

Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free

Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders

Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming

Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters

Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again?  Absolutely!

Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty.
 
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

War Dims Hope For Peace

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

Farmer Bill Dies In House

Stud Tires Out

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
    
Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni

Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one.

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing.

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.

Milk drinkers are turning to powder.

NJ judge to rule on nude beach.




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