Guitar Jokes

Guitar Jokes

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.

How do you make him stop playing?
Put notes on it!

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?

What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
Would you like fries with that?

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they suck.

What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Pick on someone your own size!

What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both
 sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could
do it better.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn
 his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

What's the best thing to play on a guitar?

Hear about the famous guitarist who also made great preserves?
He loved jam sessions.

  An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a 
guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site 
he where he would make his collections.
  At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began 
to hear drums.
  "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he 
was in cannibal country.
  The guide turned to him and said "No worry.  Drums OK, but 
very bad when they stop.
  "They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. 
The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his 
  "Do as I do!  Very important!" intoned the guide with great 
  "Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.
  "Drums stop!  Next come guitar solo!"

Reasons to Buy That Guitar

But I don't have that *color* yet.

No one else will have *two* in that color.

Only 344 more to go and I own the whole production run.

I want to try .010s'.

I don't have one yet.

But it's a Collectors' Item.

No one else in this area owns one.

Think of what it will do for my playing.

It'll sound just great through that brown Deluxe I wanted.

We really didn't need to fix the car that badly.

So we'll buy food *next* week.

Look it at! Someone just traded it in and it needs a good
home...Somewhere where it won't be abused.

It is just like the one I wanted when I was 13 but didn't
have the money for.

It has different pickups than the one I have got.

I "connected" with it.

I came up with one hundred new songs in the 10 minutes I played it.

Colin Raye plays one!

It's got a paisley pick guard!

The salesman said it sounded great on me!

Leo would have wanted me to have it!

The scratches on the back exactly match my huge belt buckle, 
its a sign.

Its the LAST ONE I'll buy, I promise.

The owner said someone else was going to look at it, I
didn't think I'd have time to ask you...

Its an investment.

It'll go with my Crate and case of wine coolers, perfectly!

But it's got SPEED KNOBS!!!!!

No, the one I have at home was made in Kalamazoo. THIS one wasn't!

Oh, come on! This is WINTER! They don't shut off people's
heat in winter!

Look! This one has a "5-way" switch.

If you don't let me buy this one, I'm gonna start doing my
"gay" routine right here in the store!

Honey! Dogs can go without food for DAYS!!!

What phone shut-off?

I'm sorry, babe, I was all wrapped up in this guitar. 
What were you saying?

But it's got wide frets!

It matches that outfit you like.

But it comes with the strings!

Yeah, so I'll have to buy a new amp for it.  So what?

But it goes with your eyes, honey.


1) You will need: A guitar (electric) (and if you can manage
it you will need to learn how to play it.) Also, a place to 
go on Friday where the local talent hangs around (More on this
later).  All the malarky associated with guitars.

OPTIONAL EXTRAS: A semi-famous group, a large metal flight case.

2) Unlike computer programming etc. guitars are socially accepted, 
e.g.: "Hello ladies, I am a computer programmer and I spend all 
day typing incomprehensible things into my keyboard, such as 
MOVE X,234,45." The likely response from the ladies is: "Oh, 
really? Piss off." HOWEVER, Take up the guitar and success with 
women/men/both is guaranteed.

3) Conceal about your person the following: 3 or 4 Plectrums/Picks.
(Very important, when paying for drinks etc. make sure the 
plectrum/picks is mixed in with your change.) a small piece of 
paper with meaningless scrawlings written on it such as: 
A#, Bsus4(#6), D7, D#dim6. For extra authenticity, carve immense 
grooves into your fingertips, this really hurts, but with any luck 
they'll soon be put to a much more enjoyable task.
  If you want to push it then carry around some guitar strings in
your pocket and if you want a guaranteed second look then take your 
guitar everywhere you go in a large metal flight case with old 
concert tickets or preferably back stage passes stuck on it.

4) This action will prompt either of these responses: "What's that?" 
to which your answer will obviously be: "Oh, it's a plectrum/pick, 
for a guitar." or "Oh, a pick, do you play guitar/are you in a band."
to which your answer will be: "Yes, I do, I'll show you some time/Yes 
I am, "Afflicted Child", you might have heard of us, we played at SMU
last week."
  This process is guaranteed to get the woman/man interested because 
people are suckers for fame and glory and if you think about it, the 
guitar is a bit phallic, isn't it?

5) So, you now know how to do the basics, let me now give you
some advanced tuition.
  No good musician would be without an ego the size of Detroit.
It's what your whole life should revolve around. If possible you 
should be very pretentious when in a peer group. Women should see 
you as a misunderstood genius and at all times you should be DEEP, 
and I mean deep, like whale shit, and that's the bottom of the 
ocean.  Give one word answers and continually look as if you're 
writing a heart felt poem.
  An ego the size of mine will take a good few years to nurture.
Plenty of practice is needed so don't be disheartened, you'll
probably never be as good as me. (SEE!)

6) Now a few words to the wise. Your local swapping party won't
be a hot bed of talent so try to get out more, here are a few
places not to use and a few to use.

PUB: Good place to begin, chances are that you won't find too
many people who actually understand what you're talking about
try to chat up a fellow musician unless you really are a
musician, you may have to start saying the right things when
he/she asks you about Robert Cray, John Lee Hooker or the
specifications of your guitar. (Besides, any musician you try
to chat up is probably wise to your tricks already having
spent many a long year doing what you're doing now.)

Blues Gig: EXCELLENT, but only if you know what you're doing,
tread carefully and only go in if you are experienced or you
love the blues.

New-Kids Concert: No, no no nonononono NO!  And besides, what
are you doing there any way?  And don't say that it's your
sister who likes them.  Go on home...

Local gig. GOOD!  Esp. if it's your group who are playing, if
you are the drummer in the group; try to be seen as much as you
can, always stay close to the lead singer if you can because
him and the lead guitarist always get the attention.

(If you've been practising being pretentious then now is the
time to try your talent out, dedicate one of the best songs to
whoever it is you're trying to get.)

SOURCE MATERIAL: Just to prove that this REALLY DOES WORK, I am
now going to give you some of the real life experiences that
I've had over the past few months:

DEBBIE'S PARTY: A great success on the old flattery chart this
one: As it was Debbie's birthday and I wrote a song for her as a
present. The song was so good that it turned me into an instant
fanny magnet.

END OF TERM SCHOOL PARTY: Not the biggest hot-bed of talent that
we've ever seen but lets face it, if you can give the girls
soggy saddle-bags whilst the headmaster is watching you must be

SUPPLEMENTARY: Pointers to looking good on stage: A must is the
hair over the eyes and the legs akimbo with the guitar so low
that it scrapes the ground (see Slash, Guns n Roses etc.) Also
good is the casual saunter across the stage to whoever it is is
playing the solo. If you are the bass player: GET OFF THE STAGE

GENERAL HINTS: A large and illegal looking rolly ciggy looks
dead good.

Always try not to be in fashion, wear dark clothes and obscure

The better you are at playing the guitar, the easier it gets.


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