What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choir performance? The tennis final has more men. How does a young man become a member of a high school choir? On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom. What is the difference between a world war and a high school choir performance? The performance causes more suffering. Why do high school choirs travel so often? Keeps assassins guessing. What is the difference between a high school choir director and a chimpanzee? It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Four--one to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her. What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman? Stage makeup. What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? About 10 pounds. How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat? Some people actually like sewer rats. What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? You can negotiate with the PLO. The choir soloist was practicing in the church by the open window. After an hour or so of singing, she stepped outside for a breath of fresh air and noticed the gardener doing some weeding in the bed of roses nearby. "How did you like my execution?" the soloist asked. The gardener replied, "I'm in favor of it." THE WORST SINGER The glory of the human voice has never had fuller expression than in the career of Florence Foster Jenkins. La Jenkins was not apologetically low key in her badness; she was defiantly and gloriously dreadful. No one, before or since, has succeeded in liberating themselves quite so completely from the shackles of musical notation. Opera was her medium and she squawked heroically through the best known arias with a refreshing abandon. From her birth in Pennsylvania in 1864 to her debut 40 years later, it is fair to say that neither her parents nor her husband gave the slightest encouragement to her musical ambitions. Then papa left her his fortune and, with this new-found wealth and freedom, she launched her assault upon the musical world. Her flair for dress design fully equaled her singing gift and, in any concert, thrilled audiences were treated to a minimum of three costume changes. One minute she would appear sporting an immense pair of wings to render 'Ave Maria.' The next she would emerge in the garb of a senorita, with a rose between her teeth and a basket full of flowers to unload her Spanish show stopper, 'Cavelitos.' In this song she would punctuate each verse by hurling rosebuds into the audience. Once she hurled the basket as well. The audience could always tell when she was going to grant an encore. She would dispatch her overworked accompanist Cosme McMoon out into the auditorium to collect up the flowers so that she might repeat her triumph. On 26 October 1944, she hired and filled to capacity the Carnegie Hall in New York for her farewell appearance. She started disappointingly with three correct notes, but her admirers need not have feared. Before long she abandoned pitch, stave, and key and was as out of tune as it is possible to be without coming back in tune again. |
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