Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. or A moving target is harder to hit What is the difference between onions and bagpipes? Nobody cries when they slice up bagpipes. What Do You Call Ten Bagpipes At The Bottom Of The Ocean? A Good Start. What Is The Difference Between A Dead Bagpiper In The Road And A Dead Country Singer In The Road? The Country Singer May Have Been On The Way To A Recording Session. What Is The Difference Between A Dead Snake In The Road And Dead Bagpiper In The Road? Skid Marks In Front Of The Snake. What Is The Difference Between A Lawn Mower And A Bagpipe? You Can Tune The Lawn Mower. What Is The Difference Between A Bagpipe And A Trampoline? You Take Off Your Shoes When You Jump On A Trampoline. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? Add vibrato. What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't. What's the range of a bagpipe? Twenty yards if you have a good arm. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? Someone is blowing into it. If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end -- it would be a good idea. What's the definition of "optimism" A bagpiper with a beeper. Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat? He rushed back as soon as he realised it, but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car! How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison? Shoot one. A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The bartender says to him, "You can't bring that in here!" The guy says "Why not? He's a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument in here." The bartender says "okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it." The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune. The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet and says, "I bet another drink he can't play this." The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it. By now the bartender is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already. Then he remembers he has an old set of bagpipes in the back. He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one more drink he can't play something else I have," and throws out the bagpipes. The octopus takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all over it, pulling on the pipes and squeezing the bag. The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win." The guy says, "just give him a minute. As soon as he realizes he can't screw it... he'll play it." Origin of Bagpipes Long ago, the Scots devised a fearsome battle tactic. As the Scots neared their enemies, they would take cats, swing them round and round above their heads. Then the cats would be sent sailing through the air and land, clawing and biting, among the Scot's foes. This was very effective. Word got out of this fearsome stratagem, and soon just the sound of the cats, howling and screaming as they were whirled over the heads of the Scotsmen, was enough to send even battle-hardened foes into full retreat. But the Scots began to run out of cats. So they invented the Scottish bagpipe as a substitute. And now you know... ...the rest of the story. There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. "I'm fine," Angus said. "But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time." "Well, ma laddie," says his mother, "I suggest you don't associate with people like that." "Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes." |
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