Memo Jokes

Memo Jokes



To:       All Personnel
Subject:  Absenteeism

  It has become necessary for us to review some of our policies, due
to frequent absenteeism of our production employees (Programmers,
Analysts, and President).

  The following changes are in effect as of today:

  Sickness: NO EXCUSE....We will no longer accept your Doctor's statement
of proof, and we believe that if you are able to go to  the Doctor, you 
are able to come to work.

  Death: (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN)...This is no excuse. There is nothing you
can do for them, and we are sure that someone else with a lesser position
can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in 
the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, 
provided that your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job 
going in your absence.

  Leave  of  Absence: (FOR AN OPERATION)...We are no longer allowing 
this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an 
operation, as we believe as long as you are an employee here, you will 
need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything 
removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would 
certainly make you less than we bargained for.

  Death: (YOUR OWN)...This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would
like a two weeks notice. We feel it is your duty to teach someone else
your job.

  Also, entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those  whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15,
"B" will go from 8:15 to 8:30, and so on. If you are unable to go at
your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your
turn comes again.






INTEROFFICE MEMO

TO:  All Office Personnel
FROM:  Management
SUBJECT:  Streaking

IN VIEW OF NUMEROUS INQUIRIES DEPARTMENT HEADS HAVE HAD AS TO COMPANY 
POSITION ON "STREAKING" THE MANAGEMENT HAS ADOPTED THE FOLLOWING 
REGULATIONS:

Streaking will be permitted ONLY as follows:

Female employees will streak on odd days - males on even days.  
On payday, all employees may streak, subject to the following:

  Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies, such 
as "sock if to me" or "what you see is what you get" will not be 
permitted to streak, due to inspection regulations.

Men with tattoos, such as "let it all hang out" will not be
permitted to streak.  Also, men with tattoos of butterflies,
roses, or elves will streak with females.

Junior executives may carry their brief cases while streaking; 
however, the usual rule applies -- Junior executives may never 
carry any business papers, but may carry the usual, such as 
Kleenex, lunch, wife's shopping list, and Playboy magazines.

Girls with bust size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in 
file area, or around any xerox machines.  Girls smaller than
36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra.

If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear 
two hair nets.  These will be available in the vending machine 
by the cafeteria.

In the event your physical make-up is such your sex cannot be
determined, such as flat chest for girls, or long hair on boys, 
you must wear a tag stating "I am a boy" or "I am a girl". Tags 
will be attached on girls with hair pin or paper clip; on boys 
with rubber band.  Please return paper clips and rubber bands 
to stationary supplies after you finish streaking.

Girls may wear jewelry while streaking, but in no event should 
they bend over to retrieve it should it fall (Due to insurance
regulations).

No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy, or those wishing 
to become pregnant, may streak.

No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks.






   MANUFACTURING INFORMATION ACCESS SOFTWARE SYSTEM (MIASS)

  This memo is to announce the development of a new company-wide 
software system.  We are currently building a database that will 
contain all company manufacturing data.  The program is referred 
to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" or 
MIASS.
  We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month 
so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good 
look at MIASS.
  As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have 
not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person 
can be in MIASS at a time.  This should change as MIASS expands.  
Several people are using the program already and have come to 
depend on it.  Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's 
office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried 
in MIASS.  I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel 
are somewhat afraid of MIASS.
  Last week a secretary, when asked to enter some information into 
the program, said to me "I am a little nervous, I've never put 
anything in MIASS before."  I volunteered to help her through her 
first time and when we were through she admitted that it was 
relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing 
it again.  She went so far as to say that after using  SAP and 
Oracle,  she was ready to kiss MIASS.
  I  know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS 
upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has 
been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS.  In the future, 
however, protection will be required before entering  MIASS.
  We planned this database to encompass all information associated  
with the business.  So as you begin using the program, feel free 
to put anything you want into MIASS.  As MIASS grows larger, we 
envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office 
and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick 
this in MIASS."
  This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the 
company during recent OSHA and ISO audits.  After requesting 
certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed 
at how quickly we provided the information.  When asked how the 
numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Mgr 
proudly stated, "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS."






MEMO:

  It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course  of normal conversation with other employees.
Due to complaints received  from some employees who are more
easily offended, this type of language  will no longer be
tolerated.
   However we do realize the critical importance of
individuals being able to properly express their feelings when
communicating with fellow  employees. Therefore, a list of code
phrase replacements has been  compiled so proper exchange of
ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without
risk of offending our more sensitive  co-workers.

     OLD PHRASE                       NEW PHRASE
------------------------------  ---------------------------------

No fucking way!                 I'm certain that's not feasible.

You've got to be shitting me!   Really?

Tell someone who gives a fuck!  Perhaps you should check with...

Ask me if I give a fuck!        Of course I'm concerned.

It's not my fucking problem!    I wasn't involved with that project

What the fuck?                  Interesting.

Fuck it, it won't work!         I'm not sure I can implement this.

Why the fuck didn't you tell    I'll try to schedule that.
 me that sooner?

When the fuck do you expect     Perhaps I can work late.
 me to do this?

Who the fuck cares?             Are you sure this is a problem?

He's got his head up his ass!   He's not familiar with the problem.

Eat shit!                       You don't say?

Eat shit and die!               Excuse me?

Eat shit and die motherfucker!  Excuse me, sir?

What the fuck do they want      They weren't happy with it?
from my life?

Kiss my ass!                    So you'd like my help with it?

Fuck it, I'm on salary!         I don't think you understand.

Shove it up your ass!           I love a challenge.

Who the hell died and made      You want me to take care of this?
 you the boss?

Blow me!                        I see.

Blow yourself!                  Do you see?

Another fucking meeting?        Yes, we really should discuss this.

I really don't give a shit!     I don't think it will be a problem.

He's a fucking prick!           He's somewhat insensitive.

She's a ball-breaking bitch!    She's an aggressive go-getter.

You don't know what the         I think you could use more training.
fuck you're doing!

This place is all fucked up!    We're a little disorganized.






ADMINISTRATION
SUBJECT:  Restroom Use Policy

  In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the 
restroom under informal guidelines.  Effective immediately, 
a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more 
consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom 
time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
  
  Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established 
for each employee.  The first day of each month, employees 
will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits.  These credits 
may be accumulated.

  Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms 
are being equipped with personal identification stations and 
computer-linked voice print recognition devices.  Before the 
end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice 
prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources 
Department.  The voice print recognition station will be 
operational but not restrictive during the entire month.  
Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations 
during that period.

  If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, 
the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's 
voice until the first of the next month.  In addition, all 
restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll 
retractors.  If the stall is occupied for more than three 
minutes, an alarm will sound.  Thirthy-seconds after the
alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, 
the toliet will flush, and the stall door will open.  If 
the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken.

  The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board 
located in the Employee Relations Office.  Anyone's picture 
showing up three times will immediately be terminated.  If 
you have any questions about this policy, please ask your 
supervisor.  They have all received advanced instructions.






Memo

SUBJECT:   SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

  In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and 
productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep 
all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL 
HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).  We are trying to give 
employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

  If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. 
on the job, please see your manager.  You will be immediately 
placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are 
especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. 
you can handle.

  Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in 
DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).  
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have 
to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.).  Since 
our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they 
don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. 
already.

  If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a 
job training others.  We can add your name to our BASIC 
UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).  Those who 
are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, 
and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY 
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

  If you have further questions, please direct them to our 
HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. 
S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)






RE: Best Cost Travel Solutions

  Due to budget constraints, the following corporate 
policies are announced regarding employees traveling 
on official company business.
  These policies are effective immediately.

TRANSPORTATION:
  Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strongly 
encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all 
employees prior to their departure on company business trips. 
Bus transportation will be used whenever possible. Airline 
tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme 
circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for
example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower 
fare can be obtained for traveling to Detroit, then travel 
to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

LODGING:
  All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives 
or friends while on company business. If weather permits, 
public areas such as parks and parking lots should be 
used for temporary lodging sites. Bridges may provide 
shelter in the periods of inclement weather.

MEALS:
  Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute 
minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, 
such as General Nutrition Centers and Piggly Wiggly stores 
often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire 
meals can often be obtained in this manner. Travelers 
should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries
and other protein sources available at their destination. 
  If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should seek 
establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This 
will be especially cost effective to employees traveling 
together, as a single plate can be used to feed the entire 
group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own 
food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam 
and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at you leisure, 
without the unnecessary bother of heating of other costly 
preparations.

ENTERTAINMENT:
  Entertainment while on travel is strongly discouraged. 
If such extravagances are required on customer contacts, 
the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab." 
Such action will save the company money and also convince 
the customer that we are concerned about spending money 
on providing a good product, not on useless frivolities.
  The hospitality extended to our customers who visit our 
facility shall also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In 
lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be placed 
in the parking lot near the dumpster and a garden hose 
will be made available so that liquid refreshments can be
provided to our guests.

MISCELLANEOUS:
  All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques 
in our team effort to save corporate dollars. On enterprising 
individual has already suggested that money could be raised 
during airport layover periods which could be used to defray 
travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be 
issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may 
earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage
during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made 
available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.






To:   General Consumption
From: The Bureaucracy
Effective:  Immediately

RE:      Proper Procedure to Scratch a Nose

  The following steps should be conducted in the purposeful 
abrasion, or otherwise rapid repetitive fondling, of a nasal 
orifice attached to any employee of the company.  Any deviation 
from stated procedures may result in disciplinary action for 
the involved employees.  It should be noted that the companyıs 
intention is not to deprive any employee of his/her right to
nasal appreciation or satisfaction.  Rather, this action is 
seen as a preemptive strike with which to gain marketplace 
dominance by significantly reducing the chances of any company 
employee being seen in a pose which could be construed by a 
potential customer as ³foolish² (i.e. with your finger up 
your nose).  Also, larger companies are all the rave in 
the ı90s. 
  So in order to enlarge our company, it is seen as advantageous 
to have a massively obvious bureaucracy to effectively administer 
this and other forthcoming regulations which are crucial to the 
survival of the company.

Proper Procedure for Nasal Fondling

  1. Notice and confirm that a nasal orifice is in need of 
fondling.  This should be obvious by either a 'tickling' 
sensation in or around the nostrils.  If the sensation is 
not your own, but rather belonging to a co-worker, please 
confirm the actual existence of the sensation by asking
in a polite manner before proceding further.

  2. Aquire a 'Nasal Fondling Request Form' from your supervisor.  
This is easily recognizeable as a multi-part, multi-colored form 
with the designation (SF109tm-94/A2).  If the form is not locally 
available, please send a "Request Nasal Fondling Request Form', 
designation (SF109tm-94/A3), to Administration.  Remember that 
an improperly filled out form could be subject to immediate 
refusal.

  3. Enter all requested information in the form carefully, 
including the name of the person to whom the nasal orifice 
is attached, your department number, your employee 
identification number, your social security number, the 
exact date and time the form was filled out, the names 
and ages of your children, and the phase of the moon as 
seen on the same day of the prior month of the year after 
the year you were born.  It is crucial that all this 
information be accurately filled in so that Administration 
will be able to process your request swiftly.

  4. Have your supervisor, your manager, and your department 
director sign the request form.  Note that all signatures 
must be present in order for Administration to even take 
your request under serious consideration.

  5a.   Remove the yellow page of the form, between the blue 
and pink pages, and put it in a safe place in your office.

  5b.   Place the completed form in your departmentıs tray 
marked 'To Administration'.  The contents of this tray are 
delivered to Administration every second Friday.  Please be 
patient while your request is being processed.  Do NOT 
attempt to hand deliver the form to Administration. 
First of all, you couldnıt find our office.  Secondly, 
we donıt have a door.

  6. Within four to six weeks of your request, you should 
receive a 'Nasal Fondling Request Reply Form', designation 
(SF109tm-94/A4), with your reply. 
  If you do not receive a reply within the alloted time, 
fill out and send a 'Request Nasal Fondling Request Status 
Form', designation (SF109tm-94/A5), to Administration in 
order to receive a reply as to the status of your request.

  7. If your reply is in the affirmative, take the offending 
nose immediately to your departmentıs 'Nasal Fondling Facility'.
This is typically known as the nearest bathroom with the proper 
gender designation posted on the door.

  8. Once in the facility, place yourself and the offending 
nose inside an unoccupied stall, then close and lock the 
stallıs door.  Carefully take whatever action is necessary 
to achieve the level of nostril gratification which is 
sought  after, preferably in a dignified manner.  Note 
that Administration does not currently have any regulations 
regarding the manner in which this gratification can be 
achieved, so please be responsible with your actions.

  9. If your reply is in the negative, you have 
     three alternatives:

  9.a   File a 'Nasal Fondling Request Appeal Form',
     designation (SF109tm-94/A6), with Administration.

  9.2   Achieve the desired level of nostril gratification 
     using personal time.

  9.c   Suffer.

  We in Administration are proud to serve the needs of 
the companyıs employees, and hope that you will continue 
to enjoy working for the company in the future under our 
gentle dictatorship






Interdepartmental Correspondence

 TO: All Employees
 FROM: Management
 RE: Revised Retirement Plan

  As a result of constant pressure to control costs, we are 
forced to reduce our current number of employees. As a part 
of R.R.P., older employees will be asked to go on early 
retirement, thus permitting  retention of our younger people 
who represent the company's future.
  Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the 
end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, is being 
initiated immediately. This program will be known as R.A.P.E. 
(Retire Aged Personnel Early).
  Employees who have been placed on the potential R.A.P.E. 
list can request a review of their employment records before 
the actual R.A.P.E. occurs. This phase of the new policy is 
called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey Capabilities of Retiring Early 
Workers).
  Any employee who is scheduled for R.A.P.E., whether or not 
they have requested a S.C.R.E.W., may request a review of 
their case by upper management. This phase is called S.H.A.F.T. 
(Study by Higher Authority For Termination) Under the terms of 
the new policy, an employee can be S.C.R.E.W.'d twice (with or 
without request), S.H.A.F.T.'d as many times as the company 
deems necessary, but only R.A.P.E.'d once.
  If an employee follows the above procedure, he\she will be 
entitled to receive H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired 
Personnel's Early Severance) and C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump-sum 
Assistance Payments) following their R.A.P.E. unless he/she 
already has A.I.D.S (Additional Income from Dependent or 
Spouse.) Since H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered 
benefit programs any employee who receives H.E.R.P.E.S. or
C.L.A.P. as a result of their R.A.P.E. will no longer be 
eligible to be S.C.R.E.W.'d or S.H.A.F.T.'d.
  Management wishes to assure those younger employees who 
are not eligible for R.A.P.E., S.C.R.E.W., or S.H.A.F.T., 
that the company has not forgotten them. To ensure the 
motivation and morale of our younger employees, the company 
has also instituted a new program called S.H.I.T. (Special 
High Intensity Training). The company takes great pride in 
the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees will receive. We are 
committed to giving more S.H.I.T. to our employees than any 
other company in the area. If an employee finds he/she is 
not receiving enough S.H.I.T. on the job, he/she should 
contact their Supervisor immediately. All Supervisors are 
trained to make sure every employee receives all the S.H.I.T. 
they can handle.






Dear Employees,

  It has been brought to the attention of the management of this
company that many employees have been dying while on duty for 
no good reason. Furthermore, it also appears that some employees 
are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some 
cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which are not 
provided for under our employee benefit program.

  Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued!

  On and after today, any employee found sitting up after 
he/she has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, 
without further investigation. This action is covered by 
Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor).

  When it can be proven that the employee is being held up 
by a desk, typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any 
other means of support which is the property of the company, 
a one (1) day period of grace will be granted.

  In the event of apparent death, the following procedures 
will be strictly adhered to:

  1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee 
has not moved or opened at least one eye, the department 
head will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive 
nature and/or origin of some employees and because of the 
close resemblance between death and their normal working 
attitude, the investigation will be made quietly so as to 
avoid waking the employee if he/she is asleep (which is, 
of course, permitted under present union contracts).

  2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of 
the employee, a pay check will be used as the final test. If 
the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable 
to assume that death has occurred. Note that in some cases 
the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic clutching 
may occur even after death; do not be misled by this 
manifestation.

  3. In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever 
he/she is doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is 
necessary as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has 
already set in.

Best Regards,
-The Management






Letter of Recommendation -
 
  While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or 
gossiping with colleagues in the office.  He seldom
wastes his time on useless things.  Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time.  He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen.  He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field.  I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with.  I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration 
be sent away as soon as possible.
 
 Sd/-

     Branch Manager

 
      A second note following the report:
 
  XXXXX WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED 
TO YOU TODAY.
  KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATIVE LINES 1,3,5,7,...  
FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
 
      REGARDS,
 
      Sd/-
 
      Branch Manager





                               MEMORANDUM

From:  Headquarters - New York

To:  General Managers

Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This
is an event which occurs only once every 75 years.  Notify all
directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the
Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon.  If
it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium
to see a film about the comet.

                               MEMORANDUM

From:  General Manager

To:  Managers

By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30,
Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn.  If it rains, cancel
the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where 
we will show films:  a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

                               MEMORANDUM

From:  Manager

To:  All Department Chiefs

By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday,
Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium.  In case of rain over 
the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order,
something which occurs only every 75 years.


                               MEMORANDUM

From:  Department Chief

To:  Section Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the
auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years.
If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and
order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.


                               MEMORANDUM

From:  Section Chief

To:  All EA's

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the
phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work
and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill
Halley and his Comets.





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