To: All Personnel Subject: Absenteeism It has become necessary for us to review some of our policies, due to frequent absenteeism of our production employees (Programmers, Analysts, and President). The following changes are in effect as of today: Sickness: NO EXCUSE....We will no longer accept your Doctor's statement of proof, and we believe that if you are able to go to the Doctor, you are able to come to work. Death: (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN)...This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else with a lesser position can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence. Leave of Absence: (FOR AN OPERATION)...We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation, as we believe as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Death: (YOUR OWN)...This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like a two weeks notice. We feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. Also, entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15, "B" will go from 8:15 to 8:30, and so on. If you are unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. |
INTEROFFICE MEMO TO: All Office Personnel FROM: Management SUBJECT: Streaking IN VIEW OF NUMEROUS INQUIRIES DEPARTMENT HEADS HAVE HAD AS TO COMPANY POSITION ON "STREAKING" THE MANAGEMENT HAS ADOPTED THE FOLLOWING REGULATIONS: Streaking will be permitted ONLY as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days - males on even days. On payday, all employees may streak, subject to the following: Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies, such as "sock if to me" or "what you see is what you get" will not be permitted to streak, due to inspection regulations. Men with tattoos, such as "let it all hang out" will not be permitted to streak. Also, men with tattoos of butterflies, roses, or elves will streak with females. Junior executives may carry their brief cases while streaking; however, the usual rule applies -- Junior executives may never carry any business papers, but may carry the usual, such as Kleenex, lunch, wife's shopping list, and Playboy magazines. Girls with bust size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in file area, or around any xerox machines. Girls smaller than 36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra. If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear two hair nets. These will be available in the vending machine by the cafeteria. In the event your physical make-up is such your sex cannot be determined, such as flat chest for girls, or long hair on boys, you must wear a tag stating "I am a boy" or "I am a girl". Tags will be attached on girls with hair pin or paper clip; on boys with rubber band. Please return paper clips and rubber bands to stationary supplies after you finish streaking. Girls may wear jewelry while streaking, but in no event should they bend over to retrieve it should it fall (Due to insurance regulations). No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy, or those wishing to become pregnant, may streak. No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks. |
MANUFACTURING INFORMATION ACCESS SOFTWARE SYSTEM (MIASS) This memo is to announce the development of a new company-wide software system. We are currently building a database that will contain all company manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" or MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Last week a secretary, when asked to enter some information into the program, said to me "I am a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required before entering MIASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS." This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and ISO audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Mgr proudly stated, "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS." |
MEMO:
It has been brought to management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with other employees.
Due to complaints received from some employees who are more
easily offended, this type of language will no longer be
tolerated.
However we do realize the critical importance of
individuals being able to properly express their feelings when
communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code
phrase replacements has been compiled so proper exchange of
ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without
risk of offending our more sensitive co-workers.
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
------------------------------ ---------------------------------
No fucking way! I'm certain that's not feasible.
You've got to be shitting me! Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck! Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck! Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my fucking problem! I wasn't involved with that project
What the fuck? Interesting.
Fuck it, it won't work! I'm not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn't you tell I'll try to schedule that.
me that sooner?
When the fuck do you expect Perhaps I can work late.
me to do this?
Who the fuck cares? Are you sure this is a problem?
He's got his head up his ass! He's not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit! You don't say?
Eat shit and die! Excuse me?
Eat shit and die motherfucker! Excuse me, sir?
What the fuck do they want They weren't happy with it?
from my life?
Kiss my ass! So you'd like my help with it?
Fuck it, I'm on salary! I don't think you understand.
Shove it up your ass! I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made You want me to take care of this?
you the boss?
Blow me! I see.
Blow yourself! Do you see?
Another fucking meeting? Yes, we really should discuss this.
I really don't give a shit! I don't think it will be a problem.
He's a fucking prick! He's somewhat insensitive.
She's a ball-breaking bitch! She's an aggressive go-getter.
You don't know what the I think you could use more training.
fuck you're doing!
This place is all fucked up! We're a little disorganized.
|
ADMINISTRATION SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirthy-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toliet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions. |
Memo SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) |
RE: Best Cost Travel Solutions Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official company business. These policies are effective immediately. TRANSPORTATION: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strongly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus transportation will be used whenever possible. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained for traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. LODGING: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites. Bridges may provide shelter in the periods of inclement weather. MEALS: Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as General Nutrition Centers and Piggly Wiggly stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective to employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at you leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating of other costly preparations. ENTERTAINMENT: Entertainment while on travel is strongly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contacts, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab." Such action will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about spending money on providing a good product, not on useless frivolities. The hospitality extended to our customers who visit our facility shall also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot near the dumpster and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshments can be provided to our guests. MISCELLANEOUS: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. On enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits. |
To: General Consumption
From: The Bureaucracy
Effective: Immediately
RE: Proper Procedure to Scratch a Nose
The following steps should be conducted in the purposeful
abrasion, or otherwise rapid repetitive fondling, of a nasal
orifice attached to any employee of the company. Any deviation
from stated procedures may result in disciplinary action for
the involved employees. It should be noted that the company�s
intention is not to deprive any employee of his/her right to
nasal appreciation or satisfaction. Rather, this action is
seen as a preemptive strike with which to gain marketplace
dominance by significantly reducing the chances of any company
employee being seen in a pose which could be construed by a
potential customer as �foolish� (i.e. with your finger up
your nose). Also, larger companies are all the rave in
the �90s.
So in order to enlarge our company, it is seen as advantageous
to have a massively obvious bureaucracy to effectively administer
this and other forthcoming regulations which are crucial to the
survival of the company.
Proper Procedure for Nasal Fondling
1. Notice and confirm that a nasal orifice is in need of
fondling. This should be obvious by either a 'tickling'
sensation in or around the nostrils. If the sensation is
not your own, but rather belonging to a co-worker, please
confirm the actual existence of the sensation by asking
in a polite manner before proceding further.
2. Aquire a 'Nasal Fondling Request Form' from your supervisor.
This is easily recognizeable as a multi-part, multi-colored form
with the designation (SF109tm-94/A2). If the form is not locally
available, please send a "Request Nasal Fondling Request Form',
designation (SF109tm-94/A3), to Administration. Remember that
an improperly filled out form could be subject to immediate
refusal.
3. Enter all requested information in the form carefully,
including the name of the person to whom the nasal orifice
is attached, your department number, your employee
identification number, your social security number, the
exact date and time the form was filled out, the names
and ages of your children, and the phase of the moon as
seen on the same day of the prior month of the year after
the year you were born. It is crucial that all this
information be accurately filled in so that Administration
will be able to process your request swiftly.
4. Have your supervisor, your manager, and your department
director sign the request form. Note that all signatures
must be present in order for Administration to even take
your request under serious consideration.
5a. Remove the yellow page of the form, between the blue
and pink pages, and put it in a safe place in your office.
5b. Place the completed form in your department�s tray
marked 'To Administration'. The contents of this tray are
delivered to Administration every second Friday. Please be
patient while your request is being processed. Do NOT
attempt to hand deliver the form to Administration.
First of all, you couldn�t find our office. Secondly,
we don�t have a door.
6. Within four to six weeks of your request, you should
receive a 'Nasal Fondling Request Reply Form', designation
(SF109tm-94/A4), with your reply.
If you do not receive a reply within the alloted time,
fill out and send a 'Request Nasal Fondling Request Status
Form', designation (SF109tm-94/A5), to Administration in
order to receive a reply as to the status of your request.
7. If your reply is in the affirmative, take the offending
nose immediately to your department�s 'Nasal Fondling Facility'.
This is typically known as the nearest bathroom with the proper
gender designation posted on the door.
8. Once in the facility, place yourself and the offending
nose inside an unoccupied stall, then close and lock the
stall�s door. Carefully take whatever action is necessary
to achieve the level of nostril gratification which is
sought after, preferably in a dignified manner. Note
that Administration does not currently have any regulations
regarding the manner in which this gratification can be
achieved, so please be responsible with your actions.
9. If your reply is in the negative, you have
three alternatives:
9.a File a 'Nasal Fondling Request Appeal Form',
designation (SF109tm-94/A6), with Administration.
9.2 Achieve the desired level of nostril gratification
using personal time.
9.c Suffer.
We in Administration are proud to serve the needs of
the company�s employees, and hope that you will continue
to enjoy working for the company in the future under our
gentle dictatorship
|
Interdepartmental Correspondence TO: All Employees FROM: Management RE: Revised Retirement Plan As a result of constant pressure to control costs, we are forced to reduce our current number of employees. As a part of R.R.P., older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting retention of our younger people who represent the company's future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, is being initiated immediately. This program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who have been placed on the potential R.A.P.E. list can request a review of their employment records before the actual R.A.P.E. occurs. This phase of the new policy is called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers). Any employee who is scheduled for R.A.P.E., whether or not they have requested a S.C.R.E.W., may request a review of their case by upper management. This phase is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority For Termination) Under the terms of the new policy, an employee can be S.C.R.E.W.'d twice (with or without request), S.H.A.F.T.'d as many times as the company deems necessary, but only R.A.P.E.'d once. If an employee follows the above procedure, he\she will be entitled to receive H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) and C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payments) following their R.A.P.E. unless he/she already has A.I.D.S (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse.) Since H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit programs any employee who receives H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. as a result of their R.A.P.E. will no longer be eligible to be S.C.R.E.W.'d or S.H.A.F.T.'d. Management wishes to assure those younger employees who are not eligible for R.A.P.E., S.C.R.E.W., or S.H.A.F.T., that the company has not forgotten them. To ensure the motivation and morale of our younger employees, the company has also instituted a new program called S.H.I.T. (Special High Intensity Training). The company takes great pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees will receive. We are committed to giving more S.H.I.T. to our employees than any other company in the area. If an employee finds he/she is not receiving enough S.H.I.T. on the job, he/she should contact their Supervisor immediately. All Supervisors are trained to make sure every employee receives all the S.H.I.T. they can handle. |
Dear Employees, It has been brought to the attention of the management of this company that many employees have been dying while on duty for no good reason. Furthermore, it also appears that some employees are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which are not provided for under our employee benefit program. Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued! On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he/she has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation. This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor). When it can be proven that the employee is being held up by a desk, typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which is the property of the company, a one (1) day period of grace will be granted. In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be strictly adhered to: 1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, the department head will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some employees and because of the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking the employee if he/she is asleep (which is, of course, permitted under present union contracts). 2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the employee, a pay check will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic clutching may occur even after death; do not be misled by this manifestation. 3. In the event that an employee fails to abandon whatever he/she is doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is necessary as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in. Best Regards, -The Management |
Letter of Recommendation -
While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration
be sent away as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Branch Manager
A second note following the report:
XXXXX WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED
TO YOU TODAY.
KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATIVE LINES 1,3,5,7,...
FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
REGARDS,
Sd/-
Branch Manager
|
MEMORANDUM
From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This
is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all
directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the
Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If
it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium
to see a film about the comet.
MEMORANDUM
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30,
Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel
the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where
we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday,
Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over
the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order,
something which occurs only every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the
auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years.
If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and
order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.
MEMORANDUM
From: Section Chief
To: All EA's
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the
phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work
and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill
Halley and his Comets.
|
|