Mrs. Bronson's kitty isn't feeling well - a bad case of constipation. She takes it to the vet, who gives her a new kind of laxative. "Give her about six teaspoons of this, and she'll be better in no time." Mrs. Bronson does as she's told and returns a week later. The vet asks, "How's your calf?" "I don't have a calf. It was my cat who wasn't feeling well." "Well, how's your cat doing?" "I'm not sure. The last time I saw her, she was heading toward the north end of town with ten other cats. Five were digging, three were covering, and two were scouting for new territory." One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O. The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!" My roommate works at the local animal shelter. Since we live here in the progressive town of Chapel Hill, this animal shelter actually has an emergency rescue service for animals, replete with a special van outfitted with animal carriers as well as an around-the-clock hot line used to dispatch volunteers at any time of the day or night. Volunteers are typically assigned shifts of two or three day stretches -- such as weekends -- and carry a beeper and a mobile phone so that they can be easily reached. Anyway, recently my roommate was talking with another volunteer, whom I'll call "Hugh". Hugh related that he was on duty one weekend and got a call in the early evening from a woman saying that her dog had been hit by a car. Hugh hurriedly drove the van over there to see a small pooch cavorting happily around the lawn. Hugh stopped the animal long enough to give it a quick examination, and could discover no serious injuries -- broken bones, dislocations, signs of internal bleeding, stuff like that. The only thing he found was a small cut on the dog's lip. He released the dog, which went back to playing, and he told the woman that there didn't appear to be any serious injuries and that the dog looked fine. The woman had been somewhat distraught, so Hugh added, "If he starts acting strangely, just let us know and we'll come right back out." The woman thanked him and he left. Apparently, end of story. Not quite. Hugh goes to bed that night, gets awakened at 2 AM by a call. It's the woman. She's concerned about her dog. Hugh asks why. The woman answers, "He's acting sleepy." A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him. "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep." One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defence. "Sir...Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office??" A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?" "Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!" Customer service representatives answer straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, however some calls can be quite unconventional as follows: My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse? I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him? What should I feed a borderline collie? What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy? Is it normal for a dog to shed? How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush? My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions? How can I get the secret recipe for your special dog food? How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog? Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do? Do you know how to toilet train a cat? I have three cats. Is it true that a special brand of cat food makes the poop smell better? Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth? Where can I get a six-toed cat?" A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet. All day long Bob had been feeling guilty. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't forget. The guilt and sense of betrayal overwhelmed him. Every once in a while though he could hear a quiet inner voice reassuring him, "Bob, don't worry about it. You are not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you certainly won't be the last." Then, invariably though, another voice would bring him back to reality, "Bob, you are a veterinarian." Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but had to borrow the money from the bank to do so. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows too!" "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?". "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of tasted like peppermint." Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome." A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. Of course, the woman is very skeptical in believing this and goes home. A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, getting very frustrated, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles and, sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns from being out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it on her husband's testicles. Amazing, it also work on him. The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his testicles. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember what the heck happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we got first and second place." Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. "Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered. "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?" "Raise porcupines, Ma'am." A man riding out in the bush fell from his horse and broke his leg. He was a long way out, so the situation looked pretty grim. Then the horse grabbed the man's belt in his teeth and dragged him to the shade of a nearby tree. He made the man as comfortable as he could and then galloped off to get help. The man discussed the incident a few weeks later with a friend, who--very impressed--praised the horse's intelligence. "He's not so smart," said the animal's owner. "He came back with a vet." Has anyone had to take a cat to the Vet? On public transport? I did, and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my life except for when I had a spectacular bowel disorder. My cat had a Sheep Tick lodged on his head, that could not be removed, so I decided to take him to the vet. When I had bought the cat, I'd also bought a cat basket made from stout wicker for this very purpose. I went to the closet and took out the basket, but Cat saw it and gave me a cocky, head on one side, look that said, quite simply, "If you think I am going to humiliate myself by putting my fine, furry body in that, you can shove it up your arse, mate" So I put the basket on the table, and picked up the cat, cooing soft, gentle phrases that would have calmed down one of those dogs that are banned and owned by people with their names tattooed on their foreheads in mirror writing. Cat started to purr, albeit suspiciously. However, as soon as I got him near the door of the basket, his limbs shot so wide that he was clawing at both sides of the room simultaneously. There followed two minutes of what seemed like fighting with an angry furry octopus with more claws than Geronimo's necklace and the temper of Don King with his German helmet caught in his fly. "Come on, puss, go in" "Meow" "Please...ouch" "Hiss....snarl" "Get in you fat furry *!#%" "Meeoooow...growl..." etc..etc.. Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet and 200 pounds. But I had been scratched so much that I looked like I'd had Freddy Krueger round for tea and angered him with a comment about his mother's facial hair. So, I took him to the bus stop and waited in the queue. Cat sat with his paws folded with an expression of loathing disgust, planning his ultimate revenge.... We got on the bus and sat down. It was the usual group of afternoon, off-peak passengers; Old ladies because they could travel for free and spotty adolescents going to burgle houses. For the first few minutes, Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a little, and licking his bottom. Then it started. "meow..." "Meowwwww..." "M E E O W .... WOOOOOOO .... WOWOWOWO ..... MEEEEEEEOOOWW ... grrrrroowwwwlll" The old lady next to me was rather startled. I think she thought it was an Air-Raid siren, and she started mumbling "Old Fritz is at it again and my Arthur was never the same after they shot one of his balls off" But it soon became apparent to everyone on the bus that it was Cat who was making the racket. Spotty kid at the back took his Walkman headphones off. Then came the bombshell. It started as the faintest whiff - the merriest zephyr wafting up my nose. It's worth pondering for a moment what goes on in a cats devilish insides. Consider what goes in at the front end. Certain brands of cat food in the UK have recently been classified as "fit for human consumption". But if I came home after a hard day at the office and found a tin of that laid out for my dinner there would be a great deal of shouting and a trip to the lawyer's. Cat food is vile. There is a common bond that is shared across humanity - everyone in the whole world, when opening a tin of cat food before breakfast shouts profanities when they get a whiff of it. Even Arabs. So, considering the material a cat has to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs developed by Lucifer himself, you can understand why I was sitting on a bus surrounded by people looking like they were entrants in a Face Pulling camp; Pointing competition. And then came the urine. Yokshire, in North England (where I live) has recently suffered a drought. In an attempt to resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water Limited had to draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up the depleted reservoirs. They needn't have bothered. All they had to do was couple a pipeline to my cat's wang, erect a sizable distilling facility and provide gas masks to the local residents. I have never seen as much urine come from a living being. I've giggled at horses relieving temselves in fields, and I've seen an elephant taking an impressive leak in a TV program. But they are insignificant compared to the amount of fluid that a cat can hold when it's angry. Steven Hawking alone can contemplate the multi-dimensionality that allows my 16 pound cat to store gallons of water in its zeppelin of a bladder. Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically seal. So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers. My khaki, summer trousers. The crotch of my trousers. It was way before my stop, but I just had to get off the bus because people were starting to threaten me between retches. I walked down the aisle, dripping with wee, holding a caterwauling ball of furry anger in a basket. I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with people looking straight at the dark, damp patch that was my crotch. It was very difficult to retain my dignity. When I got to the Vet's, the man took one look at the cat, whipped out some tweezers and had the Tick removed in an instant. Presenting me with a bill that was large enough to buy food for a platoon of hungry soldiers with tapeworms, he said "You could have removed that at home - you needn't have made the effort to come all the way here". The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need for th...", followed by "Oh Jesus, my plums", and rounding off with "That bill has got to be paid -- it's no good wiping your crotch with it". Welcome to (Your Vet's) Automated Telephone System! To make an appointment please press 1. To tell us your life history as well as your pet's before making your appointment please press 2. To speak directly to a doctor press 3. If you feel your pet's condition warrants pulling a doctor away from the patient he/she is currently seeing or operating on press 4. For a listing of the doctor's home telephone # and beeper #, please press 5. To schedule emergency after hours surgery press 6. If your regular vet is on vacation press 7. If your pet's condition has persisted for 2-6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and he needs to be seen this evening (after 6 PM)... please press 8. For a toenail trim on your 100-lb aggressive dog... press 9. If it is before 7am or after 7pm, please press 10 for our treatment technician's home phone number. If you would like us to hold a check for you until the following month please press 11. If you would like us to post date a previously held post dated check press 12. If you would like us to mail back your post dated check so that you can send us one for less money, or to make other payment arrangements...please press 13 for our office manager. Also, press 13 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and bloody diarrhea and you have $10 in your pocket. If you have been on hold for 10 minutes press 14. If you have been on hold for 20 minutes press 15. If you have been on hold for 30 minutes press 16 for the receptionist or e-mail her at [email protected]. If you are under stress and need to project your anger at someone, press 17 for a receptionist. To determine if your pet's condition (i.e. hit by car, grand mal seizures, or unconscious) is serious and it needs to be seen today, press 18. Our team of experts are standing by waiting to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes. If your animal has not eaten in 10 days press 19. If you have accidentally taken your animal's flea control pill or heartworm medicine press 20. If your reptile (snake, Savannah monitor, iguana, chameleon, etc.) has been living in a dark, 30 degree room and has not eaten in 60 days press 21. If you have a 200+ lb.. pot-bellied pig or other large farm animal please press 22 for drive through surgery service. If you live in a rural area and your "rock walder gots the mange" press 23. If your initials are sq. or you just want to talk press 24 and our receptionist will set up a private home appointment for you with a vet. If your mouse was eaten by your snake, your snake killed by your cat, your cat attacked by your dog, and your dog was kicked by your goat please press 25. None of these numbers will give you a real person, but they'll take your mind off your problems for awhile. Our automated telephone service allows us to serve your pet's needs 24 hours a day 7 days a week! |
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